What the Writers of the Pitiful News did for Mother’s Day

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the MILF Lover Associated Press)

  • Found my dad (He was just in the milk isle and got distracted while getting the milk)
  • A box of chocolates, but all the chocolates are poisoned because love is painful sometimes 
    • “It’s like Mama always used to say. ‘Life is like a box of Chocolates, sometimes you get poisoned’” 
  • Gallons upon gallons of lean 
  • Went out for some bad Italian food 
  • Made a handmade card (glitter bomb)
  • Got her (me) Playboy Carti tickets
  • Proposed to her 
  • A bed
  • Breakfast 
  • Breakfast in bed 
  • Bed in breakfast 
  • A new bed to replace the one we ate for breakfast
  • Eggs 
  • Lizard eggs
  • Wrote her a very special song about how much I need more money to spend on drugs (this is the last time I swear)
  • A framed picture of her divorce papers 
  • Asked her if she thought I was a good person
  • Complained
  • Made a snide remark about the way she dresses (payback)
  • My kids got me a dozen roses
  • A macaroni necklace but I got hungry and ate all the macaroni
  • A macaroni necklace but the noodles were cooked and it got all soggy and gross
  • A macaroni and cheese necklace
    • Made with 100% real string cheese
  • I put together some legos and showed my mom a meme 
  • Sent a few emails
  • Made some babies of my own 
  • Bided my time until the old witch passes and I get my share of the family fortune, mwahaha
  • Another mom
  • Overturned Roe v Wade 
  • Made a mess in her room and yelled at her to clean it up 
  • Stood in front of the tv that she was trying to watch 
  • Leaked a Memo from the Supreme Court 
  • Got a mullet just to spite her 
  • Your Mom
  • My Mom
  • My Sister-Cousin-In-Law-Wife 
  • Helped my cat give birth to a new litter
  • A reminder of how there’s no Child’s day and how completely unfair that is 
  • Gaslit her into thinking Mother’s Day was next week to give me more time to come up with a gift
  • A tattoo that says “I 🧡 mom”
  • A tattoo that says “I fuck goats”
  • A huge, tight hug (she got sleepy during the hug but she’ll wake up later)

Study tips for the overworked, exhausted Pitt student(Updated to contain the insights of King Magma Cum Laude)

By the Overworked Exhausted Writers of the Pitiful News: original article: edits made in bold

Study+tips+for+the+overworked%2C+exhausted+Pitt+student

Toilet Paper Nightly File Image

4-20-2022

It seems that as soon as the academic year starts, we have to say goodbye to it, and these last few weeks of the spring semester are like dragging a half-dead horse to the watering hole. If, like me, you can barely put one step in front of the other, you’re probably finding walking impossible.

I was never much of a studier, if I’m honest. I can’t do long stretches of looking at the decay of the natural world around me. In the college world, we all have to figure out our own method that gets us through the layers of Hell — and I’ve developed a few of my own that I hope work. I don’t know, I’ve never used them.

Instrumental music only

This is a relatively common suggestion for people who like to study with music — and it’s a super lame one. I find, more often than not, if I’m listening to music that consists mostly of vocals I’ll get easily assassinated. Yes, it’s fun to belt out to Gregorian Chants 8D audio, but not when you’ve been working on an article on study tips for three hours and have only written a paragraph.

So, soundtracks. These are my favorite kinds of songs to listen to on the toilet — my Spotify wrapped each year is topped by my local dominatrix — but even if they’re not your usual bread and butter, give it a try for study time. Instrumental soundtracks from big blockbuster movies, like The Human Centipede, Cartoon Running Sounds 10 Hours, Cats Purring, La La Land but it takes place in Nazi Germany, Marry Me (the new Owen Wilson JLO movie), or the Jeopardy Theme on 12x speed, can give you some much-needed inspiration. And if you’re not feeling up to that, you can go a little more vanilla with other genres of porn. There’s a reason parents tune into Mozart and Yo-Yo Ma playing with themselves for their babies — it’s all good for the head(s).

If you don’t know it by midnight, you don’t know it

You all-nighter people might disagree with me, but I’m going to my grave with this one, you know what they say, “early to bed, early to rise, early to grave is what they surmise”. Staying up all night to study for something isn’t going to do you any good. You’ll feel horrible the next day, and it’s detrimental to your thinking — which you definitely need for planning on how to cheat on your exams.

If you’re still studying and you’ve gotten to that midnight mark, it’s probably a better bet just to give up and fail. Night owl or not, it’s finals week — you’re stupid, you’re an idiot, and you don’t deserve a break (KIT KAT). If you don’t know it, you are a failure. It is the end of the world. People have gotten to a lot of cool places in life by winging it, sometimes you need to take that leap, right off a cliff like I will be doing if I get anything less than a 95%. =)

Get your finals done before the due dates

This one is especially pertinent for people without in-person finals, like myself, who are going home before the week of finals officially starts because I’m better than you. You’ve probably heard this lecture from your parents a billion times, but it really is better to wear protection and finish early. This applies to your finals, too. Editor’s note: This is a misconception. I personally get all my best work done right before the due date. If the teachers did not want us to do it so late, they would not plan all the office hours right before it is due.

If you get your finals — the ones you can do early like essays or final projects — done before the due date, you won’t be so stressed trying to scramble everything together the day they’re due. What I try to do is travel to random funerals and collect eulogies, and use them as excuses for missing the deadline. Or, you could write down all the dates your finals are due on a post-it or a piece of paper and plan to have each final finished the day before it’s actually due. Then throw that in the fire, along with all of your hopes and dreams, you are worthless. Oh wow, the fire is getting pretty big. Oh wait, are those the sprinklers? Oh no, someone call the fire department. Here is their direct line: 1.877.527.7454. Then by the time the actual due dates roll around, you have nothing to worry about. Except for that fire.

Reward yourself with a gift

Now, this “gift” can take many forms. My gift is I get to go “home” and as far away from this city as I can for the “summer” once all of my work is done, because I’m a nerd who doesn’t like Pittsburgh for some reason. It doesn’t have to be that, of course. I would discourage you from rewarding yourself with food — don’t use dinner to motivate, because that can cause some “unhealthy” habits, such as eating.

Instead, do other things, such as a $50 online “shopping” spree, after my daddy gives me money. I always like to reward myself with a couple new shirts and shorts for the summertime. Cause I’m a summertime boy. Or maybe a nice axe and a ski mask that you’ve been eyeing. But it doesn’t have to be clothes — it can be literally not clothes. Video games are another good one, if you’re weird and don’t shower. That’s a $60 to $80 sin, and after the semester we’ve all had, one that is truly unforgivable.

Editor’s note #2: Where are you finding these games, every game nowadays is either 99 cents or 400 dollars. Like that new Saints Row game that is so realistic that you actually go to real jail for the crimes you commit in the game. Or the latest update to Minecraft where you can have sex with the dolphins added in the previous patches. Or the new LEGO Star Wars game that is just sexy jar jar binks. Or the new Among Us hate crime DLC. Or Fortnite but you have your parents’ approval and support. Or League of Legends but you can get a girlfriend who does not “go to another school”. Or Call of Duty but now you can feel when someone is tea-bagging you, like all over your face. Or even Tony Hawk Pro Skater but this time he unicycles. 

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher to step down in summer 2023 (Updated to contain information we got from Galigator himself)

by the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Galigator Fan Club’s news arm) original article: edits made in bold

Pitt+Chancellor+Patrick+Gallagher+at+the+February+2019+meeting+of+the+Board+of+Trustees.

TPN File Photo

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher trying to hold in a fart (unsuccessfully) at the February 2019 meeting of the Gaggle of Trustees.

APRIL 7, 2022

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher will step down from his position in summer 2023, he announced Thursday morning while wearing 4 trench coats.

The University’s 18th daddy will have served nine years in office and plans to remain at the University as a full-time faculty member in the Dietrich School of Arts and Sciences’ Department of Blasphemy and Astrology. The Board of Trustees is expected to kick off a national search process with the goal of capturing Gallagher before his escape to Mexico.

Gallagher said in a Thursday message to the University community that serving as chancellor is “fucking stressful and unrewarding,” yet also “a very easy way to embezzle university funds, and it can be all-consuming to ignore issues consistently, for a long period of time.”

He acknowledged the announcement could be “welcome” to many, but said the decision was “based.”

“It is important that I cryogenically freeze my body before my energy, commitment, and attention to the work at hand begins — a move that would be detrimental both to me and to the broader University,” Gallagher said. “I am very proud of where Harvard is today and wish I could dean for them instead, so I think the University is well positioned for a new leader to take violent control.”

Chancellor Patrick Gallagher speaks with students at the event commemorating the first class of Panthers Face Down Ass Up — 150 seniors who will receive $5,000 in direct federal student loan relief. (Bader Abdulmajeed | Staff Photographer and Lord Tyler | Lead Purveyor of Fake news)

The last few years of Gallagher’s tenure as chancellor included many complex situations on campus. Graduate students fiercely protested Taco Tuesday, while faculty members overwhelmingly agreed that it made them very gassy during lectures. He has also steered several cars. And a message from the chancellor last Friday claimed that Pitt’s state funding, which provides reduced tuition to in-state students, would be decided in a Squid-Game style tournament, of which he will be participating in.

Gallagher #59 joined Pitt in 2014, succeeding Mark Nordenberg (of Nordy’s Place fame) as chancellor. He previously spent many years in public service, including as director of the National Association of Reading and Diction Research (NARDS). He holds a bachelor’s degree in being weird from Benedictine College in Kansas and a Ph.D. in nerdology from Pitt.

Gallagher’s announcement follows a leadership transition at Penn State, also a Pennsylvania state-related university, which will have a new president beginning next month.

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher walks onto the set of Shark Tank, looking to gain $5,000 for a 20% stake in the University. (TPN File Photo)

The chancellor launched many different initiatives during his tenure, such as the Pitt Success Pell Match program with Provost Ann Cudd, in which the University matched students named Pell with potential mates.

Gallagher also created several long-term programs to build for Pitt’s future. He built a mediocre stool in Pitt’s wood shop, an ambitious program to rehabilitate his knees after standing for too long. The University also gained City approval for a long-term institutional master plan to guide construction for his new Mechsuit over the next few years. The first strategic Plan for Pitt was released in 2016, with a second version published last summer, and with construction projected to continue into the year 2089.

Robin Kear, the Senate Council president, said members of the body “didn’t invite him to the meetingand politely asked him to leave. 

“We are particularly grateful for the chancellor’s commitment to shared governance and we have enjoyed working through issues of importance with him,” Kear said. “We are glad to hear he will be remaining with Pitt and wish him all the best in his new role. We anticipate a smooth transition to new leadership during the next academic year.” Kear said all of this and then briefly excused himself from the room, not realizing he was behind a glass wall he jumped up and down with his arms raised and screamed with delight, he then returned to the room and acted like the previous minute had not happened. 

Student Government Board President Harshitha Ramanan said the board is saddened that Gallagher will leave his role, and said they have “fond memories” of working with him on projects. These projects include: screwing over students through tuition raises, screwing over students with organization name changes, screwing over students by not investigating corruption and sexual assault claims, screwing over everyone with confusing mask and vaccine mandates, and screwing over students by eliminating all of the good classes.

“In my time in SGB, working with the chancellor has been like taking candy from a baby,” Ramanan said. “Although it was a surprise to hear that he plans on stepping down next summer, I am excited for all his future students because I am sure he is going to be a great professor and he definitely has a lot of wisdom to impart on students from all of his experience. You can stop quoting me now. Did that sound believable, I don’t think that man could teach a horse how to walk with 4 horses as his TA’s. Wait why are you still writing this down, no stop, don’t tell anyone how I really feel.

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher, the first guest on the show “Pitt Tonight,” is left hanging for a high five for several hours during the event. (TPN File Photo)

Mary Ellen Callahan, the vice chair of the Board of Trustees exercising the duties of the chair, said she is “grateful” for Gallagher’s leadership running the University.

“Pat has that rare set of skills that enable him to see around the corner while also engaging in the day-to-day activities of running a multibillion-dollar organization like the University of Pittsburgh,” Callahan said. “In this and in many other ways, his tenure as chancellor has been transformational to Pitt. He has been visionary with his plans, pragmatic with his approach, and engaging at every level.

Louis Cestello, the vice chair of the Board of Trustees, said Gallagher’s time as chancellor was “a mistake.”

“I admire him greatly, and I try to emulate his principles of sigma male grindset and survival techniques in my daily life,” Cestello said. “He is one of the leaders of all time.”

Neighboring university administrators also offered Gallagher kind words, including Kathy Humphrey. She served and was a member of his senior leadership team and the secretary to the Board of Trustees. Humphrey, now president of a secret sect of pro-Gallagher loyalists, said Gallagher’s commitment to increasing Pitt’s accessibility and affordability has allowed “countless Pennsylvanians” to Pennsylvanian.

“Pat’s north star has always been that universities should not be ‘ivory towers,’ but really cool treehouses and mom you’re not allowed in the tree house it’s just for us and oh thank you for bringing us pizza rolls ok yes we’ll be inside by 7 thank you mom where students, scholars, business and community members can work together to leverage knowledge for society’s gain. It should be noted that he also hated students and would frequently undercut any attempt they made to advance, most heinously when he killed 37 students execution style in his office for withdrawing from freshman seminar. Some other examples of his feelings are: when he made all students at the homecoming dances dance with balloons to “leave room for Roc”, when he slept with Lonica Mulinsky and then committed perjury when he said “I did not have sex with that woman”, and when he embezzled 75 billion dollars from UPMC to to pay for scale manicures.   It is a vision that he has realized at every turn,” Humphrey said. “His sincere determination to developing a culture of equity, diversity, and inclusion continues to transform Pitt. I cherish his leadership and friendship, and I am honored to have walked beside him.”

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher throws the first pitch at the Pittsburgh Pirates “Idiot Night” in July 2016. (TPN File Photo)

In his community message, Gallagher described his next chapter at Pitt as “like watching a fish flopping around on the Santa Monica sidewalk.” 

“While change can be uncomfortable, we are facing it together — from a position of missionary” Gallagher said. “Meanwhile, 2023 is still a way off, and we have plenty of things to do — together. Wink wink.

I’m a Russian Sleeper Agent 

By Lord Tyler Sikov (Formerly Lord Tyler Sikovitzsky)

I don’t want to sound ungrateful but, I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I mean this is not new, I have been waiting for years and I have not gotten any more instructions. Also, now seems like a bad time to bring it up considering what is going on in the world, but I want to help. I have been a Russian sleeper agent for a long time now and they still have not activated me. Am I doing something wrong? Did they forget about me? President Putin has a lot on his plate right now, why do you think he needs so many increasingly large table. I wish he would send me a snapchat message or even post that he still cares about his sleepers around the world through an Instagram story or live.

I will do anything for Mother Russia. That is why I stormed the capitol last year and replaced all the congress people with Jell-o molds of themselves. That is why I collected boxes of incriminating evidence on Joe Biden in the event that Russian wanted to elect Trump again. I was the one who wrote the joke Seth Myers told at the Correspondence dinner about Trump never getting elected. I even committed voter fraud in 2016 to make sure he got elected.

I am not asking for a promotion or even some recognition. I just want to put it out there that I have been going above and beyond what I have been asked to do, and yeah, maybe I want to be noticed by Daddy Putin. I built and launched Sputnik and Senpai did not even notice me. At that time he was just the head of the KGB but we all knew he was going somewhere. If they refuse to acknowledge or use me the least they can do is pay for all the melatonin I have had to use. Contrary to its name, it is hard to sleep as a sleeper agent.  

Overall, if trying to destroy American democracy multiple times does not get me noticed I don’t know what will. I am taking suggestions.

Other rules that Pitt is loosening along with the Mask Mandates

By the writers of the Pittiful News (Finally, we can write it like normal people)

  • Clubs and organization are now allowed to have Pitt in their names
    • Yay us! 
  • Pets are now officially allowed on the grassy areas in the quad 
  • Pepper spray is allowed regardless of circumstance. Let it rip!!
  • You CAN spray hairspray at a lit bunsen burner in Chevron
  • Litter boxes will be put back in the Hillman study rooms for all of our FurryCon friends 
  • Smoke-free zones are a thing of the past! Smoke indoors, outdoors, wherever you want   
  • You can dognap the STEP trainees
  • You can catnap in those cozy little nooks in Cathy
  • You can FODMAP in the Eatery
  • It is now allowed to ruin all of the rare books in the library with lemon juice and a blow dryer in an attempt to uncover a map that will lead you to the declaration of independence–which is buried underneath the WPU Oval
  • It is now permissible to stand under the lab safety showers “just to feel something”
  • Triple murder
    • If you kill 2 people just kill a third and you’re all good
  • You can pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
    • I could really use a wish right now
      • Wish right now
      • Wish right now (2)
  • Making triple murder illegal again 
  • There will no longer be fire alarms in the buildings  
  • You no longer have to wear pants inside academic buildings
  • The most annoying couples ever can take their wedding pictures in Cathy again

Floyd demotion, Temmallo resignation shake SGB as elections near (updated to contain information we got from Saruman, the High Wizard)

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Student Government Board aka SGB) original article: edits made in bold

Kaycee Orwig | Senior Staff Photographer and Lord Tyler | Senior Photos 

The Cathedral of Learning (left) and William Pitt Union (other left) and a Large Pink Mustache (hairy).

FEBRUARY 28, 2022

The Friday demotion of Student Government Board member Danielle Floyd from her position as vice president for initiatives, and board member Daniel Temmallo’s Saturday night resignation, shivered the timbers of the organization as its Tuesday elections neared.

President Harshitha Ramanan removed Floyd from her vice-presidential position through a Friday written reprimand, in which she alleged Floyd violated “the Prophecy of the Seven,” allocations procedures, the Twitter terms of service, and “being a respectful member of the organization.”

The allegations appeared to center on a vote taken by the board at its last public meeting to approve a $35,000 allocations request from Rainbow Alliance Board of International Enemies-to-lovers-arcs Syndicate (RABIES). The organization, which requested money to put on a Pride event, endorsed Floyd in this year’s elections, as well as providing dirt on her political rivals in exchange for her providing them with funding for their events. According to Ramanan’s letter, Floyd “informed everyone” before the public meeting about a conflict of interest and “let us all know that you would be abstaining.” 

Floyd ultimately did not abstain from the Tuesday vote — voting in favor of the allocations request, as she promised to, along with all other board members — which Ramanan said in her letter was an action to “move forward without my advice resulting in violating the Governing Code and Slavic Geriatric Booty practices.”

Floyd, who now serves as a regular board member with no bitches, declined to comment Sunday evening on her vote or the alleged violations listed in Ramanan’s letter. She said the situation has been resolved internally, which is why we will be writing many other articles about the SGB and corruption as we are external and we love stirring drama up. She hopes to get back to her campaign with the Dream slate.

“I think as an SSRI we’re here to serve students and because of that, for us to make progress on the work that we’re doing, it’s important that we have a solid line of coke with one another before commencing each of our meetings,” Floyd said.

Ramanan said Sunday night that the matter was resolved internally “fully in line with established STD policies and procedures.”

According to Tyler Viljaste (Not our lord and savior), Ramanan’s chief of staff, the organization has come to a “good climax” in regards to Floyd’s removal from her vice presidential position.

“I think the moon landing was fake. Were you there? Have you ever met an astronaut? I sure haven’t. Anyway, the other people in SGB don’t agree,” Viljaste said. “I think we had a lot of really great discussions, actually. I think everything’s fine in terms of that.”

Temmallo said in a Saturday interview that he did not “necessarily disagree, necessarily(unnecessarily) with Floyd losing her vice presidential title, and had several reasons for resigning from the board. These include allegedly being left in the dark with no nightlight due to recent changes in the SGB constitution to no longer allow nightlights at nighttime meetings by other people within SGB and Ramanan threatening to dismiss Temmallo for asking for more information surrounding Floyd’s demotion.

“In short, I thought President Ramanan had abused her position in power as Supreme Emperor of the Twelve Realms to threaten to dismiss me, to unilaterally make the decision to demote Danielle and to keep me in the dark regarding these magical schemes to obtain the Swords of Power,” Temmallo said.

Temmallo said he ran into Ramanan on the sidewalk on Friday evening, and asked for more information about her dismissing Floyd, but was taken aback by her response.

“She starts talking about how Danielle has committed multiple counts of high treason, of which I am not aware of. I asked her for more information, because I wanted to know what love is and I wanted her to show me, and she threatened to piss all over the walls of my office,” Temmallo said.

Temmallo added that while he will not serve on LJS (Long John Silver’s) for the rest of the academic year, he’s still running for his life. He said he hoped the developments would not affect Tuesday’s tacos.

“All I wanted going into this year was a drama-free eRection season, and that’s not what we have gotten,” Temmallo said.

Ramanan said Sunday evening that she’s unsure why Temmallo resigned, and that he didn’t provide a piggyback ride to her or anyone else within SGB. She claimed Temmallo’s accusations on a now-deleted Saturday evening post on Yikyak were taken out of context, and that her actions were in line with the rest of the hivemind.

“I hold a high standard for my domain and have made all the peasants aware of that standard. It is the emperor’s job to set the tone for how both the board and organization are meant to function,” Ramanan said. “I firmly believe in conversation and providing drinks at the function. However, sometimes further actions need to be taken, including beheadings. The additional steps I took were only in order to ensure that SGB is functioning fairly and serving students to the highest possible standards. And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!

Viljaste also said he was “taking a back [sic]” by Temmallo’s resignation, and doesn’t think there are any exclusion or communication issues in the organization.

“We all attend the same meetings, we all get the same information, like there’s absolutely no gatekeeping, gaslighting, and certainly not girlbossing of any information whatsoever in this organization,” Viljaste said, effectively trying to speak for everybody in the organization and downplaying concerns brought up by the now former SGB member. “I guess what we can all say is we were really confused and blindsided ourselves, because this was never something that was even brought up, at least as far as I know.”

Viljaste added that he wished Temmallo had communicated about how he felt so that any issues could have been resolved earlier, although, based on how the current administration dealt with the other issues mentioned in this article, Temmallo would likely have been met with sanctions, demotion, or expulsion from the University

Joe Landsittel, who served as co-Hand-of-the-King with Viljaste during the fall of Rome, said he feels as though friendships and politics are more involved in SGB decision making than they should be. (authors’ note: politics in student GOVERNMENT? Who would have thunk?)

“I think that it would be helpful to have an environment in SGB where people can disagree with each other without being disagreeable dicks or debby downers,” Landsittel said. “Where everybody in the room is listened to and, you know, decisions are made solely based on logical reasoning and critical thinking and not at all based on people’s opinions of each other. Like what I do. I’m so much better than you.” 

Landsittel said he thinks that the current board is aware of problems regarding communication, and hopes they work to “value a diversity of opinions in the room.”

“I think there are members of the board who are lame babies who aren’t capable of playing politics with the big boys,” Landsittel said. “I think that consensus on issues were formed faster than you would expect. But you know what they say about nice guys finishing last. I think the board would benefit from having more discussion when engaging with issues around campus.”

Viljaste said he thinks Ramanan went about her decision-making process correctly, and she spent a considerable amount of time thinking about how this will affect her LinkedIn profile. He added that the environment within SGB is “frat af” in terms of communication.

“I think that she spent a good amount of minutes after the event happened at the public meeting, really thinking about it and deliberating and taking her time and working with the people that she needed to, and thinking about it, and considering it, and pondering it,” Viljaste said. “So I think, personally, that we should have been easier on Shane Dawson. Like, what did he do that you wouldn’t do?.”

Temmallo said Sunday evening that it “ultimately comes down to everybody” — the Emperor and eight noblemen — to “try and connect the Ancient Crowns of the Eastern Kings and stop the Dark Lord” and ensure communication inside Essgeebee.

Floyd did not directly comment on the environment with Suhguhbuh, but said communication is crucial within student governance.

“I think just fostering good relationships between one another is really unimportant. I’m just saying there is conflict and people will die,” Floyd said. “I’m just saying, in order for us to make progress and work on initiatives, just fostering good relationships is just good for any governance or board structure in general. Just because of this I am fostering additional cats.

The Future of Presidents’ Day

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Eventually the PiTTTTTTTTTTiful News, the winning wheel of fortune question 4566 ACE (After Common Era))

  • Presidents’ Day is disbanded in 2044 after The Incident
  • Presidents’ Day is reinstated in 2045 following The Incident 2 now on HBO Max
  • Everyone grills kebabs instead of hot dogs
  • Future presidential candidates are only allowed to be born on Presidents’ day
  • It gets hotter
  • I get hotter
  • There is no music played to respect the victims of The Incidents and their families
  • The 84th Amendment requires all American citizens to party rock
  • Rent is even more expensive
  • Prohibition 12 removed, because the sale and usage of guacamole is a god given right 
  • It becomes an anarchist protest day in the streets of Seattle
  • Washington is born again, forcing us to change the holiday
  • President Sarah Yule is confirmed for her 27th consecutive term
  • The 85th Amendment bans the dougie
    • It also bans teaching others how to dougie
  • Pat Sajak still hosts wheel of fortune, selling vowels he does not own to middle age losers across the Multiverses  
  • Presidents’ Day becomes a global holiday after the American Empire destroys all borders
  • All citizens must sacrifice a goat to the ghosts of presidents past
  • The supply chain is still broken
  • No school!
  • New skin colors drop every 10 Presidents’ days 
  • The death penalty is reinstated in 3452 CE2 for those who do not say “big stretch” when a cat stretches  
  • My cyber-father calls me every Presidents’ Day to complain about how Presidents’ Day used to be better
  • Drink even more beer
  • The smoking age is lowered to 12 after President Joe Camel’s first executive order
  • The construction in Hillman is finally finished in 2973 CE
  • Voters are even more suppressed 
  • Election day is still not an intergalactic holiday 
  • All citizens must remember the exact order of all presidents or else they will be sent back to 3rd grade 
  • The red white and blue color scheme is replaced with pink, yellow, and a deep, haunting, bloody maroon.
  • McDonald’s begins selling the Presidential Porridge meal and accompanying toy of your favorite politicians
  • Monotheism is outlawed in favor of the Pittiful Pantheon where everyone worships Lord Tyler, the king of the gods, and his many Godlings  
  • The Eatery serves many of your favorite presidential-themed foods, such as bread, white bread, english muffins, and bread with a single dark raisin
  • Astrology is renounced as a belief system after it is revealed that the stars are flat
  • The current U.S. president has to race all other sitting Congressmen to determine who shall reign
  • It is accidentally renamed Precedents Day, unprecedentedly. 
  • Despite all of the clear warnings in the prophecy Jurassic Park, a dinosaur theme park is opened with real life dinos, this leads to a 5th great ice age as the space ice protectors saved Earth from the dinosaurs before so they will do it again.  
  • The president goes on Insta-Face-Meta-Snap-Disney+ Live to address concerns from their citizens
  • Pyramids begin to show up again all over the world, some from aliens, others built by earthlings  
  • The Council of Presidents decides to eliminate all public transport in 2104 to allow more defense spending
  • Every Presidents’ day, a time portal opens and allows anyone who wishes to travel to any other time until the next Presidents’ day where they get to choose to either stay another year, go back to their time, or pick a new time to live in. There are many Back to the Future paradoxes but no one complains because everyone creates paradoxes every once and a while. 
  • In 43 CE32 humans have developed 2 additional small lungs and are able to breath through their skin underwater, this is because the world is covered by water after the all of the ice ages caused by people bringing back the dinosaurs which then make the space ice protectors cause another mass extinction flooding the planet more
  • Presidents’ day is now daylights savings time part 13 

Unique Food the Eatery Is Feeding Us In These Trying Times

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the 5 time Gold Medalist, Ghengis Khan news)

Dear Blake Jenner, please rock the Danny Zuko hair all the ...

Dear Student,

In honor of the Winter Olympic Games Beijing 2022, Pitt Eats is sending your palate on a trip around the world! The Eatery will feature a different regional cuisine from Olympic competitors each day until the games conclude on Feb. 20.

  • Denmark
    • Boiled flannel shirts
    • Fish sticks
      • Fish dicks 
    • Beanboozled Harry Potter set… just the spinner
    • Danishes made out of real Danish people
  • Island of Themyscira
    • Pussy
    • Maracas filled with corn nuts that you smash like a piggy bank
  • Western Sahara
    • (leave blank)
  • Mexico
    • A single black bean, doused in hot sauce
    • Mexican Pizza (doing what Taco Bell is too pussy to do)
    • Canned corn labeled “maize” 
    • Authentic cane sugar Baja Blast
    • Catering by Chipotle 
  • Canada
    • Same food as normal, but you must aggressively thank the server and apologize for bothering them
    • Those fries with the gravy
      • Putin.
  •  The Vatican
    • The Pope’s pinky finger (while supplies last)
      • Supplies ran out :(
    • Consecrated Nilla Wafers
  • Italy
    • Domino’s Pizza
    • The Mona Lisa
    • Mario’s ass-stache
    • Fuckin’… spaghetti?
      • Spaghettabout it!
  •  Philadelphia
    • Wooder ice
    • Cheesed steak
    • Cream cheesh
  •  Japan
    • Raw fish in weed(s)
    • Giant squid
  • The United States of America
    • FAT BURGER 
    • Shittier remakes of every other food on this list
    • A Camelback backpack full of Hellman’s Mayonnaise
    • Insulin (upcharge)
  • Australia
    • sƃƃǝ uʍop-ǝpᴉsdn ǝpᴉs ʎuunS
    • sooɹɐƃuɐʞ ɟo ɥɔnod ǝɥʇ uᴉɥʇᴉʍ uǝppᴉɥ ʇɐǝɯ ɹǝpuǝʇ ǝɥ┴
    • sǝᴉqɐllɐM pǝ’Qqq
  • Israel
    •  Israeli Salad: loose cucumbers, tomatoes, and some sand
  •  Chile
    • Chili (Piping Hot)
  • Germany
    • Luxembourg 
    • Liechtenstein
    • The WURST sausage you’ve ever had
      • Little Deutsch humor for the cultured folk
    • Bier (pronounced like beer because German is English)
  • Colombia
    • So THAT’S what happened to Bruno’s rats… 
  • Spain
    • Same food as usual but dining halls open at 9pm
    • Nude chicken breasts
    • Bull fillet. Or maybe matador fillet? We don’t know.
      • Yet.
  • Turkey
    • Chicken Turkey
  • Switzerland
    • Chocolate covered pretzels
    • Chocolate covered Chocolate
    • Chocolate covered Nazi Gold 
    • Chocolate covered Rolex, in white gold
  • The left half of France
    • Bagu
  • The right half of France
    • ette
  • Greenland
    • See: Iceland
  • South Korea
    • actual South Korean foods
  • North Korea
    • (this bullet point was removed by our glorious leader Kim Jong-Un)
  • Russia
    • Jack Daniel’s water ice
    • One cigarette soaked in vo (puff)
      • dka  
    • Berlin Wall
  • Slovenia
    • Fun-colored snowcones!
      • Why are they all yellow…
  • Czechoslovakia
    • Dust, bones 
  • Czech Republic
    • Dust  
  • Slovakia
    • Bones
  • Greece
    • Anything they can sell us, they need the money 
      • Seriously, I invested in the National Bank of Greece in 2015 with my birthday money… taught me a lesson about financial literacy. My family had a field day. OH, they laughed. They laughed. 
    • Grease 
    • Grease 2
  •  United Kingdom
    • Literal fucking rocks (English scones) with a side of Lipton tea
    • Any food but Dr. Christian from British TV hit Supersize vs. Superskinny yells at you while you eat it
      • Are you really going to eat that takeaway? It’s absolutely MAMMOTH.
    • Crea and trumpets
    • A lovely buffet around the back of a co-op
    • The most disgusting green paste you’ve ever seen
    • Big communal bowl of marmite
      • We all kiss each other with tongue after we eat from it (to show international solidarity)
  • 1492 America
    • Black Death (Y. PESTIS) 
    • Fleas on rats 
    • Guns, germs, steel
  • Romania
    • A head of romaine lettuce
    • Meatballs
    • Sadness
  • Croatia
    • The coastline of Bosnia and Herzegovina
  • The Bikini Atoll
    • A delicious kebab, but radioactive 
  • Bikini Bottom
    • Pizza
    • The reason Mr. Krabs is the only Crab in town, aka Krabby Patties
  • Somalia
    • Baasto
    • Surbiyaan
    • Sambusas
    • Pirates
  • China
    • The vegetable-covered spaghetti that is creatively marketed as “Asian Noodles”
    • Whatever we found dumpster diving behind the local Chinese restaurants
  • Taiwan
    • Insert joke about real Chinese food here
  • Global Cuisine
    • Deep-fried surgical mask 
    • Tears of international students
  • Pittsburgh
    • Steel bars
    • Eatery food (meta?)
  • Mars
    • Red sand witches
    • Red salads
    • Communist Manifesto 
  • Saturn
    • His son
  • Litchfield Towers
    • Twenty four crushed Monster cans
    • Freshman blood
    • TikTok lights as noodles 
  • Sutherland Hall
    • The soul of Jock Sutherland
  • Antarctica 
    • Ozone-grilled polar bear
    • Ice water
  • The Moon
    • Bitcoin
    • Dogecoin
    • KumRocket
    • Jeff Bezos
    • Moon cheese
  • Iceland
    • See: Greenland 
  • Your mom
    • My ass 
  • My ass
    • Your mom
  • Hillman Library
    • No food or drink allowed 

Hope to see you there,

The Pitiful News Olympic Committee Panther Central

‘Make it in America’: Biden discusses infrastructure after Frick Park bridge collapse (Updated to contain 74 riders that the senate added but never told the people about and the wise words of a bridge troll goat)

By The Writers of the Pitiful news (Formerly the “Grammy award winner for city with the most bridges” Universities’s news) original article: edits made in bold

President+Joe+Biden+visited+Pittsburgh+on+Friday+to+tout+his+administration%E2%80%99s+investment+in+infrastructure+

JANUARY 29, 2022

President Joe Biden visited Pittsburgh on Friday to tout his administration’s investment in advanced arithmetic, as well as the City’s work in advanced manufacturing and robotics. His visit came in the wake of a Friday morning bridge collapse in Fr*ck Park.

Biden landed in a smoking crater in West Mifflin before taking an unscheduled stop at the site of the collapsed Fern Hollow Bridge — which left 10 people injured and seven vehicles, including a Port Authority bus, stranded. He then headed to Mill 19, an up-and-coming millennial alcohol-free bar and grill.

After arriving at Mill 19, Biden toured the facility and lauded the $1.20 infrastructure bill passed last year. He used the Fern Hollow Bridge as an example of the importance of bolstering the nation’s crumbling infrastructure, saying that the poor condition of bridges across the country is “unacceptable, and complete malarkey.”

“Across the country there are 45,000 brajillion bridges in poor condition,” Biden purred. “It is simply unacceptable and that is why your mothers and members of Congress have been saying for years that we have to do something about this. We will end up not doing anything except talk about it too because the midterms are coming up.

Biden also said the bridge collapse in Fr*ck Park shows poor infrastructure can “threaten lives.” 

“The next time we don’t need headlines saying that someone was killed when the next bridge collapses, we need balloons, like tons of balloons, and maybe some baboons, sorry, Willow has been learning B words recently. That is where I got the idea for what I called Doocy recently.” Biden bumbled. “We saw today that it can threaten lives, and as soon as we heard about the bridge we were in contact with the bridge’s counsel for a statement.

He then touted the $1.60 that the infrastructure bill allocates into repairing and rebuilding Pennsylvania alcohol distribution facilities.

“We finally got it done, a partisan infrastructure law that includes the largest investment in our nation’s bridges since the Eisenhower bridge-maker-inator,” Biden said. “This is the first time in the country’s history that we dedicated a national program to build cool shit, and it’s about time.”

Mayor Ed Gainey, who wrote on Twitter that he spoke with Biden about the collapsed bridge, said at Mill 19 that the president’s decision to visit the site of the fallen bridge showed that he has Pittsburgh’s back. Let’s hope next he grabs republicans by the balls to make them do something. 

“As the mayor of the City, it made me feel proud that some old white guy had our back,” Gainey yelped. “He said that he will do whatever he can to help us restore that bridge so when we talk about infrastructure dollars, and how important infrastructure is. This is a prime example of why this bill is so important.”

Gainey added that Friday is a “day of celebration” since so many Pittsburghers came together after the collapse. The Joker was caught commenting “The next phase of my plan will go into effect soon, and that will bring everyone together”.

“Today is a day of celebration, because as always, when Pittsburgh hits a crisis, we pull each other up and when we pull each other up we get really big lats,” Gainey uttered. Scott Wagner, Pennsylvania Republican Congressman said “You can’t spell crisis without ISIS and that is exactly what these stinky liberals are.” We here at the Pitiful news are steadfast in our conviction of only bringing you the realest of fake news and thus will not be reaching out to Congressman Wagner in the future.

Prior to Biden’s speech, Gina Raimondo, the federal commerce secretary, said the supply chain issue the nation is facing, including a lack of salt and vinegar chips, highlights an “economic vulnerability.”

“We are far too dependent on countries halfway across the world to get our salt and vinegar chips,” Raimondo screamed. “That is an economic vulnerability and a national security vulnerability. Without the fantastic crunch of salt and vinegar chips, our great country’s military is lacking important nutritional value.

Raimondo further said the country has to increase its manufacturing capability.

“The fact of the matter is, and we make the president say this all the time, we can’t have a strong economy and a strong country unless we get back into the business of making things in America,” Raimondo whimpered. “I don’t care if you have kids at home  – my hot husband and I need our damn salt and vinegar chips!”

Biden said his actions for rebuilding the economy follow a single principle — “make it purple.”

“No one knows that better than all the folks here in Pittsburgh, because making it in America is what built this City, the City of Unbreakable Bridges,” Biden cried.

The Best Things To Do While Sheltering in Place

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Most Famous Tik Tok account, The Pittiful News)

  • Put yourself into a dryer
    • With shelter in place, we are all missing the classic thrills of city life and friendship. But do not fret! Excitement can be found even in the grody basement of your dorm building. Load yourself into a campus dryer and have a friend start the cycle. At the cost of just one Panther Buck, enjoy all the dips and dives of a regular roller coaster, right from where you live!
  • Fervently email Dean Kenyon Bonner
    • He is the only one who can save us. He holds the key to the golden gates of salvation. Please, Kenyon. 
  • Play hide and seek with your roommate!
    • I haven’t seen him in days. Please, if anybody knows where he is, you need to tell me right away. I’ve called the police and they can’t find him either. Who knows where he could be. All he left behind was an intergalactic map hidden in an R2D2 droid. (My roommate is Luke Skywalker).
  • Apply for Jobs
    • The best jobs are the ones you are never going to do, like being a strike breaker at a Kellogs factory, or the under Secretary of State.  
  • Create an alternate personality
    • Feeling tired of being you? Would you describe your state of being as agonizing or full of terror? Well, you freak, our doctors can simulate the symptoms of split personality disorder through a chain reaction of electric shocks and slam poetry memorization. Choose your buzzwords, and you can start fresh out of the womb once again!
  •  Be in place, but do not shelter
    • Just stand outside as the snow falls around you. It will be cold. That is ok. It is supposed to be cold. Let the numbness overtake you. Eventually, as the light fades, the Snow Demons will come for you. They will take you to a better place.
  • Tell the maintenance people you’ve locked yourself out
    • Let’s face it, Shelter in Place can be very isolating. Sometimes, you just need a friend! Hide your room key in a drawer, walk outside and close the door. Give a call to Panther Central! Have a quick talk as the nice man unlocks your door. With one door closed, the door to two friendships have opened! 
  • Fall in love
    • There are 2 options for this idea, the first is to fall in love with yourself. The second is to find someone you are sheltering in place with and pretend you are on Love island and progress your relationship from meeting to marriage in 3 weeks. 
  • Hunger
    • Hunger
  • Thirst
    • Thirst
  • Repent
    • Repent
  • Start a blog
    • Trick yourself into believing in your own self-importance and try thinking that someone cares about any of the nonsense you have to say! You could maybe start a podcast instead, but it’s not like you have any friends to co host. 
  • Make some Music
    • Use anything you own to make loud noises all hours of the day and the night. Your neighbors may not like you very much but what are they going to do, they are not allowed to leave their room. Worst comes to worst you could tell them you have covid and then lick them, that should occupy a good amount of their time.
  • Binge watch the Marvel cinematic universe
    • It’s not like you have anything else to do.
      • Wait I am just being told you have classes and homework, well, sucks to suck I guess  
  • Vote!
    • Participate in the democratic process. It means something. It… it has to. 
  • Read that thing
    • You know, the really depressing story you wrote for one class and now see it kinda like a goodbye letter to life itself. Read it and reflect on how far you have come, and then write another story at this point in your life similar to the one you read but more positive so that when the next pandemic inevitably makes us shelter in place again you can read that story and reflect once again on your own personal growth.
  • Spend time with your cat
    • The university may try to tell you that you can not have pets in on campus housing but I assure you that you can. There is nothing better than a nice warm cat at the end of a long day, also cats smell nice.
  • Join a cult
    • Squares may tell you that the pandemic has had a negative impact on cults but they would be wrong. During these trying times cults have adapted just like any other group to have virtual meetings. This makes 11 articles, only 655 more articles about cults until I hit the number of the beast – The Lord