On Saturday, September 17th, Nordenberg Hall experienced its third fire-related evacuation of the semester. The hall, mainly inhabited by freshman students and misfortunate Resident Assistants (RA’s), was surrounded by flashing lights and sirens Saturday night as students filed down the stairs and out the front door.
According to Floor 8 North RA Jane Smith, the fire alarm was set off by a group of students on Floor 7, who had “accidentally” misplaced their chemistry textbooks in the microwave, inducing a small fire. “Floor 8 residents would never do something like that,” says Smith. “Men are the worst,” she continues, referring to the fact that the 8th floor houses exclusively female residents. Smith also claims that there was an unrelated issue happening simultaneously in which a student got stuck in an elevator, and promptly fell to their death as the firefighters finally managed to pry open the elevator doors. The identity of this student is still unknown, but the situation is being monitored.
Despite the flurry of attacks on the pseudonymous social media site YikYak directed toward Nordenberg Hall residents, the evacuation frenzy seemed to have died down by Sunday morning. Until, that is, another fire was reported–this time with no particular cause. Allegedly, Nordenberg Hall retaliated–due to the aggressive and disrespectful nature in which its residents treat the building–by lighting a student–who has requested to stay anonymous at this time– on fire. The student survived but remains in critical condition at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center. Despite residents calling for more decisive action, Panther Central has continued installing fire extinguishers and fire blankets in every dorm without any further action.
The Pitiful News members levitate, raising chalices of blood, chortling, guffawing, busting guts, and kikiing with their friends. It’s dark outside, and no one is going anywhere. Ever. The door is locked. Everyone is looking for a way out, feigning interest in the Pitiful News overlords, terrified to contribute to a shared Google document for the cult’s first meeting of the semester. They know that whatever words uttered in this room might be their last. The only bit of hope they can cling to is the guest appearance from the Emmy Award Winning fly™.
The third floor of the Cathedral of Learning, where the Pitiful News hosts its meetings, was ominously lit by candlelight. They were not practicing safe fire practices. The stairwell smelt of burnt hair and a decaying Roc fursuit was found in the corner of what remained of room 349. The walls began to bleed as the meeting began with an inhuman chanting, followed by several hours of compulsory silence. The EYES of Dr. TJ Eckleberg on the wall searched for those who were truly dedicated to the art of satire, finally closing when all those who were unworthy were raptured.
“I’ve never been more scared in my life,” said a new member, who requested to remain anonymous out of fear. “I was looking for the a cappella club, but someone grabbed me and pulled me into the room. It was the most scared I’d ever been. I shuddered as the door shut behind me and the EYES rose upon the classroom’s only chalkboard. Do not come to this club, lest you be consumed by Hellfire in Satan’s Pitt. I was forced to come up with that as a so-called ‘satirical tweet,’ but please, for the love of god get me out. This is a cry for help. THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP!” Despite not planning on returning for any more meetings, this anonymous student has already listed ‘Senior Satire Writer’ on their resume.
Some members felt terror in different ways: “When I told a joke the room went completely silent. The EYES stared at me for a long time. They looked into my soul and found my ‘Was it so funny you forgot to laugh’ quip wanting. YOUR BLOOD IS NOT EVEN WORTHY OF SACRIFICE. They locked the door. I want to get back in,” said a student found crying next to room 349.
One student shuffles nervously when asked about the proceedings of the meeting, “They cut my neck and asked for a blood sacrifice, holding my head over a gilded chalice. Then everyone took a sip. It reminded me of my First Communion.” When asked, an attendee commented on the taste, saying the blood was “lacking in iron.” There will be an “official” tutorial on how to properly swirl the chalice by a wine steward following the next meeting.
Another student was more positive about their experiences when interviewed. “Oh yeah, I’ve been in a number of cults. I’ve made more money leading, but I’ve always had more fun following. I think we really get too much of a bad rep. When it comes down to it, what is a cult but a close-knit community?” When asked about rumors of blood sacrifices conducted by the club, the student refused to comment further.
The “president” of the “club”, “Evan Rafferty”, took a different track, choosing to affirm all of these alleged practices. “Pitt administration will probably do nothing”, he added, gleefully.
Ben Adams, the “vice president” of the “Pitiful News”, began to reference obscure chess matches that the rest of the members rejected from the discourse. He remained silent for the rest of the meeting.
Ella Mizera, the “business” manager, was alleged to have ascended during the initial meeting and was never seen again. Mizera remains unavailable for comment.
Another student was quite surprised to find out that the club was satirical and did not actually document real-world events. “My world was shattered”, the student stammered. “Were the South-O slip and slides ever real?” The student was also devastated to hear that the movement to repeal the Third Amendment was also a farce. “All I’m saying is he made some good arguments!”
The new members’ EYES were glued open, Clockwork Orange style, as they were forced to watch pornography as a group. They were practicing their “edging” skills, as said by a “club” “representative”. The head of adult material, Dexter Grafenburg, said that “the viewing of pornography is essential for the development of new satirical material.” Patrick Gallagher also made a surprise appearance, but quickly left after a FaceTime call request from his wife.
Also present was a CW Network representative who was looking for inspiration for the impending renewal of “(s)hit” show Riverdale. The representative was not allowed to make a statement due to the signing of a nondisclosure agreement, but we can only assume the ominous atmosphere surrounding the club will be essential to the Jughead-Betty-Archie love triangle in Season 5(?).
Resident priest John Smithsonian attempted a quick exorcism and consecration session but to no avail. “That club is messed up,” Smithsonian stated. “I don’t get paid enough for this.” Pitiful News presidents attempted to convert Smithsonian to the demonic faith. After throwing a bit of holy water, Smithsonian fled the meeting. “Coward? Me? Would a coward be named John Smithsonian? I don’t think so,” Smithsonian exclaimed in his final statements to us.
Bafflingly, we’ve received more testimonials about the club than actual people who went. The only members we know were actually there were the ones in the photo (see above). If you find anyone who actually went to this club, please contact Pitt News staff immediately. Five dining dollars will be given.
After this series of events, this club is now contained by the SCP Foundation. All of the “members’ ” “bodies” and “records” of this “club” have been burned as a containment measure.
The Pitiful News 