What we did to celebrate the win against Clemson

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Clemsoniful News, Pitt got us in the divorce)

• Cured our hangovers by drinking more
• Made it just in time for Saturday night Mass
• Reconnected with Josh, the cute guy I met at the game 
• Made out with ROC
  • And disrespected The Tiger
• Made out with Kenny Pickett
  • And disrespected the Panther
• Pregamed on the drive to the frats after (it’s okay, I don’t drive stick) 
• Locked a band guy in the portapotty, stole his uniform, played the tuba, got to be close to SCOTTY
  • This sounds suspiciously like a sex thing.
• Bought a $20 hot dog from the concession stand
• Played Madden to relive the experience 
• Streaked the field, but with my clothes on and I was also walking
• Scheduled a rapid covid test
• Asked for extensions on all assignments, citing Kenny Pickett hysteria as the reason
• Put blue Mio in the frat juice so everyone would be puking pitt colors
• Murdered anybody I saw wearing orange
  • Forgive me, crossing guard
• Created our own victory lights by taking all the string lights from all the dorms 
• Streaked on Forbes Avenue  
• Got our flu shots!!
• Checked my polling place information for the November 2 election
• Burned down my high school (their colors were black and ORANGE)
• Rammed through all of the traffic cones in the parking lot…and then realized that the cones were just people in Clemson jerseys
• Told the shuttle driver to have a really nice night and apologized for the noisy ride back to Pitt
• Started pregaming for the next game against Miami 
• Wore the head pieces of fursuits of random college football mascots that have beat Clemson, out of sheer spite  
• Jumping into the air and shouting “Yipeeeeeeeee!”  
• Got into an “Okay?” “Okay.” loop with a young teen at the game.
• Drowned my orange tabby cat
  • THIS IS SO DARK OMG
• Tried to drown my goldfish, didn’t work
• Got irrationally angry at a Garfield comic 
• Pissed my pants
• Did something a bit gay.  
• Took down my MAGA flag – Trump’s spray tan teeters on Clemson colors and that is where I draw the line 
• Ate Frosted Flakes and spit them out because Tony the Tiger can suck my dick.  
• Perfected my liquid eyeliner skills because I’m a girlboss.  
• Joined the Cathedral Club so we could bathe our naked bodies in the glow of the Victory Lights 
• Shared skin care tips with my homies because we all deserve to look glowy <3   
• Raw Tigered the Tiger (similar to raw dogging but with a tiger)  
• Did laundry  
• Lost my virginity 
• Changed my tinder to guys and gals
• Upped my body count by so many
  • So many, guys, i have so many more bodies now 
• Bought blue and gold birds because that seemed like a celebratory thing to do at the time. 
  • Please help me i have too many birds i dont know what to do with them
• Mugged the guy who won the 50/50 raffle 
• Buttered my toast bottom side up  
  • Bottoms-up toast hits so good though
• Left my mom on read, now a SWAT team has kicked down my door killed my wife and I still have not told my mom I am ok 
• Got a bible verse tattoo to show my thanks to God
• Snuggled with my cat a bit more 
• Licked a few random hot dudes  
• Did the ice bucket challenge  
• Got ALS  
• Read my favorite book, the Cheesecake Factory menu
• Double homicide 
• Double Homie-cide  
• Double Tequila 
• Double Suicide
• Double 1-800-273-8255 
• Double-decker cheeseburger 
• Double-decker Bus 
• Ate a pizza
• Got hit by a Port Authority bus 
• Port Authority bus got hit by me 
  • Physics 
    • Yeah, Newton’s Third Law, I’m smart too
• Watched Ratatouille
• Found my virginity: it was in my dirty laundry  
  • It’s always in the last place you look!  
• Got drafted :(

Tips for Midterm Success

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Platitudes)

• If you leave your entire test blank, you will get no answers wrong, and the professor is legally required to give you a 100%
• Make space for other students by sitting as close as possible to the only other person studying on floor 4 of Hillman at 3am 
• Shit your pants in the middle of the exam to either go to the bathroom and look up answers or distract others with your scent so there’s a higher curve
• The therapy dogs are there to steal the knowledge from your mind. Do not trust them.
• If the test isn’t going well, shout “I have COVID!” and take off your mask in the lecture hall. Everybody will leave and the test will be cancelled.   
• Remember, every exam is BYOB: build your own bomb
• Take copious amounts of ExLax chocolate tablets to shit out the stupid
• If you don’t like the score you get back, murder your professor
• Raise your hand during the test. The professor is required to eliminate 2 of the answer choices.
• Chew the same flavor gum when you study and when you take the test to remind yourself that you’re an idiot and you will never make it in Hollywood
• If a parent writes you a note you can be excused from the exam
• When writing a paper, it is important never to cite your sources – never let “the man” know where you’re getting your anarchist ideas
• Phrase all your short answer responses as questions, like in Jeopardy
• Tell your professor how much you are enjoying your reading of the Anarchist Cookbook: keep them on their toes and scared of you
• Never eat before an exam, or drink water for that matter. It takes up space in the body that should be reserved for knowledge.
• Keep your in-test flatulence silent
• Bring binoculars with you so you can cheat off your neighbor easier
• Clap for your fellow students whenever they finish a question
• Ask the person sitting next to you to walk on your back during the exam if you get tense
• If you sleep with your teacher you will get an A
  • Unless you suck at sucking 
• Keep in mind, there are worse things than getting an F, such as disappointing your entire ancestral line due to low academic performance
  • Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow
• Bring in cut and dried grass, legumes, or other herbaceous plants to feed your professor – remember: no hay, no A!
• You might be allowed to nibble on your exam a little bit, as a treat
• Write all the answers on the back of a white t-shirt, then give said t-shirt to the person in front of you as an early (or late) birthday gift
• Bring a drink
  • Water is best but vodka can look like water in a pinch 
• In the last five minutes of the exam, look around and find your classmate closest to crying. Follow them after the exam is over and harvest their tears for the tear god.
• Smear feces on your ScanTron to throw off the machine
• Clear the room with a toot and look at everybody’s papers
• Most professors accept bribes, success varies on how much you initially slide across the table nonchalantly
• Make snacks the night before, you might get hungry throughout the day!
• Kill a guy
• Wear your shortest skirt to distract the boys so they will fail and bring down the curve
• Pepper spray your neighbor and look at their answers
• Don’t forget to eat a balanced breakfast on the morning of your exam.  Have both a No. 2 pencil and a pen in your bag.  Read all answer choices carefully and make sure to pace yourself.  Get a great night of sleep and skip the stress by studying gradually beforehand instead of cramming one or two days before.  
• Sacrifice an animal on your ScanTron to throw off the machine
• Play video games until an hour before your test and then stare at each page, you can read faster with your unconscious mind than with your conscious one 
• If you plan on cheating write down someone else’s PittID number
• Get thee to a nunnery
• It’s ok to cry a little bit as long as your tears don’t get on your scantron
• Pray to your deity of choice
• Use a giant magnet to steal the answers off of your professor’s computer 
• Use a giant magnet to steal an even gianter magnet
• Mimic the dial up internet sound to distract everyone while you google the answers 
• Think of Danny Devito, he might help you  
  • Pray to Danny Devito, he might help you
• Set your ringtone to the lyrical version of W.A.P. or maybe the acoustic version of my neck my back (lick it) and then have someone call you so you have a good excuse to leave
• Get on an episode of wife swap and swap your wife with the teacher’s wife, then have your wife do recon and find the answer key to give to you
• Clip your toenails on your ScanTron to throw off the machine
• Repel in from the ceiling Catch that Kid style
• If all else fails, just add mayonnaise 

What goods and/or services are we selling for money?

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Feetiful Newds pittifulnews OnlyFans) 

• Oar services
• Ore services 
• My lust for Oscar the Grouch
• A respectful slap on the ass 
• Turtles
  • The animals or the dessert?
    • Both.   
• Apples from Amish Country
• Improvised roasts for when you feel too sexy
• The classic two-person snore
  • person 1: SNORK
  • person 2: mimimimimi
• A thick envelope of cash
• O’er s’ervices 
• A very boozy Long Island Iced Tea
• A very tea-y Short Island Iced Booze
• A side of fries
• Accurate horoscopes and palm readings
• Bads
  • What are these?
    • Oh I get it, we sell the bads, not the goods :)
• A very luxurious fake mustache
• Zebra muscles
• Kangaroo muscles
  • They’re so muscley
• Oral services (you brush em, we flush em!)
• The entire Cathedral of Learning
• My veins
• A mask that says “Booty Shorts” on it
  • Booty shorts that say “My eyes are up here” on them
• Antique furniture restoration
• The comments section of an AITA Reddit post
• Tyler
  • Please somebody take him
• Deez nuts 
• Deez brains
• Our bodies
• Brony merch
• NFT versions of our articles
• Severed feet
  • (They aren’t ours)
    • (Probably)
      • Well they are feet, and we do own them, they were grown on a body that we do own, so these are our feet
• Dining Dollars 
• Our organs 
• $1.23 in Amazon credit
  • Sold for $20
• Rubber ducks
• Scale models of Tenochtitlan
• Ytterbium
• Unused Pitiful News pitches  
• The extra vowels that France discarded 
  • Which ones? They use all the vowels
  • Whæte coeauld youe peaussiblie bee taulkynge abeaute?
• Our innocence
  • And also our youth
• Counterfeit money
• Avocado toast 
• Sore crevices (you ream em, we clean em!)
• Jokes that don’t hurt your feelings
• Our sanity 
• Lard
• Boar services (you hear em, we spear em!)
• Bitcoin
• Bildungsromans
• The least comfortable chairs in that one nationality room
• Solving captchas for our robot overlords 
• The Gospel of Judas
• The Jospel of Gudas
• Boar crevices (you… what?)
• A picture of a campus squirrel eating a waffle fry
  • nature is healing we are the virus
• Jeff Goldblum impersonators for hire 
• Cats (2019) fursuit rental
  • They didn’t wear fursuits because they had CGI, actually
  • They didn’t wear CGI because they had fursuits, actually
    • That is what the Biden Crime Family wants you to think
• Maybelline products
  • Maybe 
• Maybe some drugs, idk 
  • s  u  r  g  e
• LuLaRoe
• “Toothpick holders”
• 4 small shrimps, with the rice they fried
• ~Little baby boys~
• Fake OSHA compliance documents
• Original stickers
• Pics of people killed by snake bites
• Pics of snakes killed by people bites 
• OChem professor blackmail and extortion
• Fake medical certificates 
• Feet pics (check our only fans @pitifulnews)
• Hand pics
• Face??? Pics???
• Bougie tacos
• A night with the super secret Pitiful News Bimbos 
• Tickets to our next rager
• $2 premium hugs 
  • We find someone with a “Free Hugs” sign and stand next to them 
    • The free market strikes again… 
  • 😳 🥺
• A used car, but it runs like new, we promise… 
• Pitiful News Premium+ Ultra Platinum Signature Deluxe subscription
• Tyler’s feudal demesne and the accompanying moat 
• A 12-month subscription to Quibi
• Your favorite childhood stuffed animal
• Death
• Death with Ads

We spent a night locked in Cathy here is what happened

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Bootiful News) 

• Scheduled my first colonoscopy along with Dean Bonner for emotional support.
• Befriended the falcons :)
  • Ate a peregrine falcon as a midnight snack
• I met Matthew.
• Felt like the the empty void of Cathy’s hallways matched my true emotional state of mind
• Tried to make a penis shape with the victory lights but accidentally made a shape that resembles Gilbert Gottfried
• Called 911 and they laughed at me.
• Pretended I was a cashier at Lowes.
• Became a father in a sense.
• Ran a lemonade stand, made $13.
  • Didn’t make enough to pay taxes, though. I am safe from the IRS for another year.
    • Launder the money thru roblox robux
• Got up to some devious licks.
• Tried on every bra in the Lost and Found section.
• Met the Secret Mole People Society in the basement.
  • They were having a GBM and they were super nice.
• Went to bed with a striped gown, lit candle, and slept making the noise “snork… mi mi mi mi mi”.
• Burnt unsold Certified Lover Boy albums for warmth.
• Performed a very intimate maneuver on the vending machines to get my dinner (it didn’t work, I’m so hungry).
  • Broke the vending machines on the ground floor.
• Heard someone yell behind me to scan my Pitt card, but when I turned around, no one was there.
• I wandered from floor to floor looking for the Cathy Club. I keep posting on r/pitt asking how to join and if someone wants to go to a meeting with me, but nobody answered so I had to take matters into my own hands. The closest thing I found was a dead cicada in Room 349. 
• Nutted in every nationality room.
  • I, um, joined the Cathy Club, with the ghost from the Early American Room.  
• Did my standup comedy routine. It was the most people I’ve ever performed for! 
• Stood in the Italian Room and wondered how these guys figured out how to make pizza.
• Kept the bathroom stall door open while I peed.
• Unlocked the walk thru walls glitch on the 34th floor mens’ bathroom
• Found the Pitiful News meeting on Floor 3 (they somehow got trapped as well?)
  • Wait… who wrote this? — Ed.
• I screamed.
  • It echoed and it was super spooky. I got scared. 
• Used the Big Girl Potty aka the urinal.
  • Do you guys eat the urinal cake?
    • This is how I got HPV.
  • Yes my fave is red velvet. They have them on the 3rd floor. 
  • I like blue raspberry.
• Looked out the window and thought “Damn, I am high up”.
  • I was on floor 2, I am scared of heights.
  • I went to floor 5 to feel true fear and I passed out for a couple of hours.
  • I went to floor 420 and thought “Damn, I am high.”
• Whittled a miniature version of Chancellor Gallagher’s lizard dick.
• Turned on the lights in every classroom.
• Turned off the lights in every classroom to save energy. 
• Broke my femur by rolling down Stairwell F on Chancellor Gallagher’s chair.
• Realized I was in the WPU, but kept exploring because my mom said to try new things in college.
• Circumcised myself in the Jewish room.
  • (ow)
• Got cozy and went to bed. I always keep a snuggie in my backpack just in case. 
• I met the Zodiac Killer (Rafael “Ted” Cruz) in the basement 
• Programmed the Victory Lights so they flash to the tune of “Never Gonna Give You Up”.
• Programmed the lights to flash in Morse Code. 
  • No, I didn’t write “SOS”, I wrote “boobs”.
• Committed genocide in the Native American room (that’s why there isn’t one anymore).
• Jumped out a window and instantly respawned inside.  
• I met this guy, he told me I was a star, he held the door, held my hand in the dark, yeah he is perfect on paper but he is lying to my face, does he think that I’m the kind of girl who needs to be saved. There is one more boy he’s from my past, we fell in love but it didn’t last. 
  • I inducted him to the Cathy Club <3
• Swapped out all the chairs for giant hacky sacks.
  • Those are called bean bags?
• Played Cookie Clicker on every computer in the Computer Lab.
• Used all my printing quota money to photocopy pictures of my ass.
• Learned the secret code to get to the top floor is 80085.
• Received a wire transfer for $5,000 in the Nigerian Room.
• Got my clothes stolen in the Indian Room.
  • Security guard lady ran away when she saw me naked (bruh).
• Was really really loud (during quiet hours!!!!!)
• Doordashed myself food and locked the dasher in the 8th floor bathroom.
• Performed a sad one-man puppet show with my own socks.
• Kissed a security guard on the mouth.
• Licked some devious guys.
• Chained myself upside down from the ceiling of the Commons Room.
• I discovered an ancient Native American graveyard underneath the building, this explains why the rulers of your university are evil, they have been cursed.
  • … your? University?
• Swiped right on anybody with a mushroom emoji in their Tinder bio.
  • Mushrooms ARE tasty!
• Had to fight Voldemort at 3 AM (he got hands).
• Used the last 2 percent of my phone battery to listen to Double Dutch Bus by Frankie Smith (plz listen nobody listens when I ask them to listen). 
• Learned how to make accurate bird noises.
• I took a self-paced course on Gothic architecture. 
• Did the “pee in my own mouth” challenge.
• Generally did fun and funky things.
• Tried to get through a Pitt News article. I fell asleep 2 lines in. 
• Niddled a widdle piddle.
• Got falcon punched in the balls. 
  • (ouch)
• Punched a falcon in the balls.
  • (caw)
• Only cried for 3 hours watching the Cory in the House anime ending.
• Found the secret underground passage that leads to the Pitt Druids headquarters. 
• Jumped off the roof.

Holidays happening around now

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittttttttttttttttttttiful newwwwwwwwwwwwwwwws)

• Sukkot (Jewish Tent Day)
• Singing Taylor Swift’s “Red” to Celebrate Fall Day
• Career day for Engineers
• A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
• Kyrgyz Independence Day
• Trent’s Birthday 
• Local Pickle Day
• International “Let’s Kill Tyler” Day
  • No… wait…. don’t ki
• A lot of people’s first exams 
• October Fool’s Day
• Turkmen Independence Day
• Time To Eat Candy Corn
• Pennsylvania wet and unsatisfying high-five day
• It’s October 3rd (Mean Girls Day)
  • That’s so fetch 
• Mesothelioma Awareness Day 
  • Have you or a loved one been affected?
• National Novel Writing Day, when you write a novel  
• Uzbek Independence Day
• National Pitt Homecoming Day
• Holiday When You Wear Crocs
• National Chocolate Milk Day
• Punxsutawney Phil’s Last Day
• The 5th of November 
• National Daughters Day
• Tajik Independence Day
• Halloween >:)
• National Sex Offender Day (National Strawberry Milk Day)
• National Ben Stiller parasocial relationship day
  • He was so good in Night at the Museum though 
• National dress up as the Branch Davidians and reenact Waco day
• Not April 25th “The Perfect Date” Day
• Shemini Atzeret (Jewish Rain Dance Day)
• Holiday Where You Convert Someone to Veganism Day
• National Attend Your Grandchild’s Birthday Day
• National Atheists Going Up to Random People and Inviting Them to a Repentance Circle Day
• Ask a Stupid Question Day
  • What’s that?
• National “Tell Sonya You Think She’s Funny” Day
  • <3 -Sonya
  • You suck – The LORD
• Kazakh Independence Day
• International Raccoon Appreciation Day