The Best Things To Do While Sheltering in Place

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Most Famous Tik Tok account, The Pittiful News)

• Put yourself into a dryer
  • With shelter in place, we are all missing the classic thrills of city life and friendship. But do not fret! Excitement can be found even in the grody basement of your dorm building. Load yourself into a campus dryer and have a friend start the cycle. At the cost of just one Panther Buck, enjoy all the dips and dives of a regular roller coaster, right from where you live!
• Fervently email Dean Kenyon Bonner
  • He is the only one who can save us. He holds the key to the golden gates of salvation. Please, Kenyon. 
• Play hide and seek with your roommate!
  • I haven’t seen him in days. Please, if anybody knows where he is, you need to tell me right away. I’ve called the police and they can’t find him either. Who knows where he could be. All he left behind was an intergalactic map hidden in an R2D2 droid. (My roommate is Luke Skywalker).
• Apply for Jobs
  • The best jobs are the ones you are never going to do, like being a strike breaker at a Kellogs factory, or the under Secretary of State.  
• Create an alternate personality
  • Feeling tired of being you? Would you describe your state of being as agonizing or full of terror? Well, you freak, our doctors can simulate the symptoms of split personality disorder through a chain reaction of electric shocks and slam poetry memorization. Choose your buzzwords, and you can start fresh out of the womb once again!
•  Be in place, but do not shelter
  • Just stand outside as the snow falls around you. It will be cold. That is ok. It is supposed to be cold. Let the numbness overtake you. Eventually, as the light fades, the Snow Demons will come for you. They will take you to a better place.
• Tell the maintenance people you’ve locked yourself out
  • Let’s face it, Shelter in Place can be very isolating. Sometimes, you just need a friend! Hide your room key in a drawer, walk outside and close the door. Give a call to Panther Central! Have a quick talk as the nice man unlocks your door. With one door closed, the door to two friendships have opened! 
• Fall in love
  • There are 2 options for this idea, the first is to fall in love with yourself. The second is to find someone you are sheltering in place with and pretend you are on Love island and progress your relationship from meeting to marriage in 3 weeks. 
• Hunger
  • Hunger
• Thirst
  • Thirst
• Repent
  • Repent
• Start a blog
  • Trick yourself into believing in your own self-importance and try thinking that someone cares about any of the nonsense you have to say! You could maybe start a podcast instead, but it’s not like you have any friends to co host. 
• Make some Music
  • Use anything you own to make loud noises all hours of the day and the night. Your neighbors may not like you very much but what are they going to do, they are not allowed to leave their room. Worst comes to worst you could tell them you have covid and then lick them, that should occupy a good amount of their time.
• Binge watch the Marvel cinematic universe
  • It’s not like you have anything else to do.
    • Wait I am just being told you have classes and homework, well, sucks to suck I guess  
• Vote!
  • Participate in the democratic process. It means something. It… it has to. 
• Read that thing
  • You know, the really depressing story you wrote for one class and now see it kinda like a goodbye letter to life itself. Read it and reflect on how far you have come, and then write another story at this point in your life similar to the one you read but more positive so that when the next pandemic inevitably makes us shelter in place again you can read that story and reflect once again on your own personal growth.
• Spend time with your cat
  • The university may try to tell you that you can not have pets in on campus housing but I assure you that you can. There is nothing better than a nice warm cat at the end of a long day, also cats smell nice.
• Join a cult
  • Squares may tell you that the pandemic has had a negative impact on cults but they would be wrong. During these trying times cults have adapted just like any other group to have virtual meetings. This makes 11 articles, only 655 more articles about cults until I hit the number of the beast – The Lord  

Pitt doubles down on mitigation efforts, vaccines as Omigod surges (updated to contain information we got from a guy claiming to be a time traveler)

By The Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pitt doubles down on mitigation efforts, vaccines as Omicron surges-iful news) original article (edits made in Bold)

Joy Cao | Senior Staff Photographer For The Pitt News | Stolen by Lord Tyler | Senior Staff Plagiarist of The Pitiful News

A Pitt student does not wear a mask. Ceci n’est pas une pipe.

JANUARY 11, 2022

Despite other mitigation measures, University officials said COVID-19 vaccines, including a booster seat, are the key component of campus safety plans amid the pandemic.

“Getting zooted and getting scooted are the number one things people can do to protect themselves and others,” a University spokesperson said.

According to the spokesperson, since the vaccination rate was high when the University initially implemented its mandate at the end of the fall semester, they “do not expect too many casualties, or at least not as many as Dean Bonner can eat in one semester”.

“Measures like universal masking, good handjobs and improvements to HVAC systems remain important tools,” the spokesperson said. “Also wrenches. Wrenches are very important tools, I can’t believe I forgot about wrenches,” said the unnamed spokesperson, tears rolling down his cheeks. “No additional changes are planned at this time, unless we feel like it. And there are no changes planned for the indoor mask requirement. Probably.”

Pitt implemented COVID-19 last semester, as classes returned in person for the first time in close to 18 months, that’s 2 babies (ish). Along with a mandatory mask policy in all University buildings, students and staff were also required to swipe their V card to enter. 

In order to access University buildings, unvaccinated students, Roc, faculty and staff had to kiss each other on the lips weekly, and those who were vaccinated needed to kiss with tongue. Ceci n’est pas une pipe.

The COVID-69 situation has changed in the United States as the highly contagious Omicron variant is spreading across the country like butter on a biscuit. As of Tuesday, the Allegheny County Department of Feral Animals reported a seven-day moving average of 3,198 infections and a 36.7% PRC (People’s Republic of China) test positivity rate.

With the variant’s rapid spread, the University spokesperson noted that the spring semester will begin kind of not exactly very well, like not so good. 

In a Dec. 32 email, Pitt’s COVID-19 Unit of Medicine (CUM), previously named the COVID-19 Medical Unit (it had to be renamed because CMU (Carnegie Mellon University) sued), released details regarding a University-wide shelter-in-place and phased arrival. University residence halls will begin to reopen on Jan. 8, with Pittsburgh students returning in a phased, cohort-based style. Don’t know what cohort means? Google it, dummy! All students living or dead in University housing will also be required to submit a COVID-19 test or slip Dean Bonner a $20 after their arrival. 

During the shelter-in-place, dining services are also yeet-and-skeet, indoor campus recreation facilities are closed and no guests are allowed in the residence halls, except for pre-approved conjugal visits that are allowed to be applied for in either 1 45 minute time slot, or 2 20 minute “quickies” per week of shelter-in-place. Provost Ann Cudd said in a telegram containing war plans that classes will switch to fully remote for the semester’s first two and a half weeks before returning to in-person instruction on Jan. 37.

Besides remote classes, the spring will be the first full semester with a national ping-pong championship. That’s unrelated to COVID, but this is the only way to tell anyone without it seeming like we endorse ping-pong, because we definitely don’t.

Under the mandate, students and employees and Roc have access to an exemption, if a religious, moral, metaphysical, spiritual, grammatical, chemical, biological, rubber duck or medical reason is provided. According to the University spokesperson, the Office for Equity, Diversity and Inclusion working with the Office Monitoring Individuals in Contact with Rather Odd Ne’er-do-wells (OMICRON for short) is approving cases on a case-by-case-by-covid case basis, with religious, not including Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (those folks are universally exempt from vaccines and diseases alike), and moral exemptions requiring a bribe of $20, a flexible moral backbone, a notarized attestation and medical exemptions needing a doctor’s signature: dentists, Doctors of Orthopedics, ornithologists, oncologists, cardiothoracic surgeons, Dr. Rand Paul, Dr. Sean Conley, Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Dre do not count for this exemption. 

While exemption requests were due last semester, the University spokesperson recently said that, like my ex-boyfriend, Pitt is still working on bringing individuals to climax. The spokesperson said Pitt will release updated exemption numbers later this month, and noted that as of Nov. 19, the University approved way too many exemptions, with an additional four still under consideration. (Please publicly shame them.)

For students, faculty, Roc, and staff who have approved exemptions, the University said they are still required to test negative weekly to maintain building access. Pitt will continue to test “students with exemptions, students who may be losers or punk-bitches and any faculty and staff member who requests one.”

According to the mandate, students, faculty, Roc, and staff who did not get vaccinated or submit a proof of vaccination faced disenrollment from life, loss of key bodily functions, and the inability to enter the kingdom of God. Pitt spokesperson and de facto archdeacon David Seldin said Tuesday that individuals who have been disenrolled and do not wish to become compliant will receive nothing. “They just don’t deserve it.” 

Employees who do not become compliant might also be subjected to additional disciplinary measures, Seldin said, cracking a BDSM whip he had hidden behind his back for the earlier portion of the interview.

Seldin added that individuals who are not yet in compliance still have an opportunity to do so, but Seldin is watching them like a hawk. 

“We continue to work with those who are trying to come into compliance, including those who have lost access to buildings (by having their ID deactivated) or select IT resources. It is to note that any student who had to miss even a single class due to our improper deactivation of their card will be put on immediate academic suspension and the expulsion procedure will be begun, and teachers who are not able to keep up their commitment to teaching or researching because they can not access any physical or virtual resources, should seek employment elsewhere after the 12 year non-compete clause post-leaving has ended.” Seldin said. “So that they are permitted to regain access to the world of the living with minimal disruption to their Pitt experience.”

Seldin said the current vaccination rate among students, faculty, Roc, and staff across all Pitt campuses is 96.9696969696942069%.

Editor’s note: For more information visit.

Our Predictions for Euphoria the day after we watched the episodes

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly/Currently Teenagers, a concept the writers of this show are unfamiliar with)

• There is a lot of kissing 
• Someone exits, pursued by a bear 
• They enter the wardrobe and meet the requisite Lion and Witch 
• A crossover scene with the BAU from Criminal Minds when Zendaya’s character gets temporarily murdered by the Zodiac Killer (Ted Cruz) 
• There is a scene from the director’s sex tape inserted secretly but only if you play it backwards at precisely midnight
• Jughead decides to get a perm, abandoning his signature beanie
• The Gang Commits A War Crime 
  • (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background) 
• Nate and McKay go to Overeaters Anonymous to help the mental aspect of their pageant careers, but hijinx ensue when they start murdering people 
• Homer and Marge finally divhorse. Wait, no– they divorse. What’s– what’s going on why can’t I spell the word–
  • *gunshot* -Lord Tyler Sikov
• Archie gets PTSD 
  • Archie (from Glee) gets PTSD (unrelated) 
• Darth Vader was Luke’s father the whole time
  • NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 
• The cast sings Seasons of Love to honor their classmate Finn
• Someone gets pulled out of a room by an old timey cane 
• The Beatles break up
• Mike and Sully join Oozma Kappa 
• The murderous psychiatrist who eats people? Yeah, his name rhymes with Cannibal.
• Nate tries to learn the Supalonely TikTok dance and chokes out his neighbor when he isn’t able to get the moves down. Kid’s got some anger issues.
• It was his sled 
• The Gang Gets Involved In A Game Of Strip Sorry Sliders
  • (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background, slightly warped) 
• Your favorite ship discovers that they are aroused by fire and turn into serial arsonists 
• Joseph R. Biden becomes the 46th President of the United States of America 
• Joe sets fire to the house while Taylor Swift plays in the background. He cuts off his toe to sweeten the deal and puts it into a pie. He flees to Paris to find his lover, leaving his Love behind. 
• Lexi and Fes talk all night and we find out that Fes’ grandma was sexy once upon a time
• We call to ask about your car’s extended warranty. Again. 
• Mulan was a woman the whole time
• Dr. Grey dies and donates her skeleton to an anatomy teacher
  • Dr. Greysanatomy? Noooooooo  
• The Gang Steals The Declaration Of Independence Or Whatever (I Love Nic Cage)
  • (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background but it sounds suspiciously like “Party In The U.S.A.” by Bruce Springsteen) 
• A thirty year old man takes an American History exam; fails
• They do a whole lotta drugs. Where the hell do they get all of the drugs? 
  • Do you know how much drugs cost? 
• An entire episode is devoted to what you are meant to do with your body when you kiss 
  • Where do I put my hands?
  • I have a long tongue, is this a problem?
  • Whenever a girl kisses me I faint, is this normal? 
  • What am I meant to do with the clown nose?
  • After kissing, this shining bearded guy surrounded by clouds comes down to give me a fist bump, who’s man’s is this?
• Zendaya
• That weird dude from the Kissing Booth kills his dad
• Hype House crossover episode
• The execs at HBO order the director to have more scenes of high schoolers in sexually explicit situations. Nothing wrong with that.
• One of the characters says “I am become Euphoria”
• One of the characters says “I am feeling Euphoria Streaming Now on HBO Max”
• One of the characters says “I’ve had it with all of this Eu on my Phoria.”
  • One of the characters says “I am going to buy HBO Max”
• Kat goes to a poetry club to listen to slam poetry versions of Pitiful News articles 
• Fez goes to a poetry club to sell drugs
• Kylo Ren was daddy the whole time 
• One of the characters gets COVID and they take a two week break from drama
• Noah Centineo is cast as “DominantDaddy2”
• One of the characters gets popular on YouTube and joins the Dream SMP 
• One of the characters is revealed to be Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior
• Rue is sad
• These high schoolers throw a bigger party than you or I have ever seen
• Corpsehusband gets arrested for sleeping with highschool students during many raves
• HBO recasts some of the characters to make them teens like the characters they play and so there will be even less wrong with showing them fully naked and in sexually explicit situations. 
• HOBO makes a full episode inside of a homeless shelter where the main conflict is over the worth of homeless people, they end up killing 45 of them  
• At the end of the series finale, instead of doing a jump freeze frame, the entire cast does the Radio Rebel Debby Ryan face

What Horse divorce I am planning on serving at my next gala

By Lord Tyler Sikov

·        Bruschetta

·        Onion rings

·        Spicy vegan wings

·        Garlic knots

·        Jalapeno poppers

·        Galapagos poppers

·        Mister Popper’s penguins (they are guests, they come with built in tuxedos)

·        Nachos

·        Mozzarella sticks

·        Samosas

·        Pakoras

·        Papadum

·        Divorce papers for my soon to be ex-wife Jessica (That non-cloven-hoofed she devil)

·        Potato wedges

Our plans for the January 6th Insurrection 2: Election Steal-a-roo: The Squeakuel

By the Writers of the Pitiful News(Formerly the PitBossiful News)

• Seize the Means of Production  
• Seize the Means of Reproduction  
• Seize the Means of Breast Reduction  
• Feather boa the Lincoln memorial (it’s like TP-ing but with feather boas)
• LARP Among Us tournament with the boys in the capitol
• Book every greyhound bus seat into DC for the 5th and 6th so that no 2021-style insurrectionists can reach the capitol, leaving room for our yass
• Go rogue and start giving counter-protesters booster shots because despite our differences in political leanings, we still care about their health and wellbeing (with a few exceptions)
• Play those edited videos of Donald Trump talking that put words together so he is singing Let it Go from Frozen or similar songs of childhood whimsy
• Demand that Jen Psaki come out for a quick game of zip zap zop–if we win the voting rights bill automatically passes and the filibuster is no more
• Hide small Bluetooth speakers all around the chamber and play funny sounds
  • Fart noises
  • Party Rock Anthem
  • WAP
  • My Neck, My back (Lick it) Acoustic version 
  • etc.
• Piss n’ Shit 
• Trojan horse Bernie into the Oval Office
• Release Wolves
• On January 5th, enter the capitol building and hide in the vents overnight so we can pop out and give Congress members heart attacks 
• Big Commie Cuddle Pile (demsoc also included, didn’t have the same ring to it)
• Mommy made me mash my M&M’s 
  • And skittles
• Put our phone flashlights on and sway to the armed forces medley  
• Switch our phones to light mode 
• Ask Joe Biden if he is #army, offer him commander in chief position if he says yes
• Release a fleet of hamsters in balls to storm the Whitehouse, they can squeeze under the fence 
• Did you know, most cells in prisons are electronically locked? Did you also know that we have some elite hackers in this organization?  Well, we are going to hack into a number of prisons and release all of the inmates, causing havoc. Since the released people will then be indebted to us they will storm the capitol, and they will be more vicious because they have nothing to lose, if they get caught they are just going right back into prison, where they could be broken out again to rinse and repeat   
• Break into the District Attorney of The United States’s office and release all of the files from the Ghislaine Maxwell trial  
• Flarpy Blunderguff with AOC, with lots of peanut butter, nutella, blueberry preserves, and dark chocolate almond butter  
• Educate the Congress memberts (they have no idea who they are) about what the real Holocaust was like with the informational powerpoint I made in 4th grade when I started learning in depth the horrors of what happened  
• Bring a piano on wheels that I have retrofitted a motor to so it can drive it self and avoid my capture while I play various songs 
  • Making my way downtown (A Thousand Miles)
  • Life is a Highway (From the Movie Cars)
  • Piano Man
  • Any song from the Sim’s albums
• Book every college acapella group to perform in the houses of congress  
• Slow dance with my cat as a method of Filibustering