Catholic Church Declares Bankruptcy, Pope Begins Selling Blood for Profit

By Michael Calhoun

The advertisement begins with a shot on the face of a smiling priest. “Do you want to be closer to God the almighty? Has your priest told you that your blood is ‘infected by the presence of the unholy one?’ Or have you just felt tired recently? If you’ve experienced any of these problems, then you need a big ol’ bag of Pope Blood!” That’s right folks, in a move Bill Gates calls “enlightened,” the Catholic Church is officially selling the blood of Pope Francis in order to keep the holy order afloat.

With the decline of religion across Europe and North America, there simply wasn’t enough income flowing into donation baskets to fund the Church’s endeavors, so the Cardinals had a brainstorming session. “We already have Holy Water and that shot off like a goddam rocket, so why not Holy Blood?” noted Cardinal Bardinal. “People have been chomping at the bit to get some of that savory pope blood for decades, and we figured we might as well capitalize on it.”

The blood has a remarkable range of uses, and a list from the Vatican’s website cites that you can “Drink it, bathe in it, inject it into your body, scare your friends with a funny prank, and more!” Pittsburgh resident Jessup Gwit remarked “I like how when I drink the blood it makes me feel like my sins don’t matter anymore. Not that I’m forgiven, but that I’m above Church law. It’s pretty great.”

Man Banned from Local Playground for Eye Skin Size

By Rachel Boward

Herman McLaegerstem, 42, was ejected from a local playground  early Saturday afternoon after playground-goers complained to the police that his “suspiciously large eye skin” was disrupting their otherwise pleasant day.

“It was just so disturbing! So large, and suspicious. It was like his eyes were being eaten by the skin around them,” Clara Ribberclibson complained after the traumatic event.

McLaegerstem claims this isn’t the first time he’s had this happen to him.

“I come from a family of large eye skin. We actually lost my father to his eye skin a few years back. It just consumed him whole. You know how weird it is to see a man consumed by a human sized lump of eye skin? I still have nightmares about it to this day,” McLaegerstem mumbles to me from behind his quickly expanding eye skin.

Ribberclibson also claims that McLaegerstem sets an unrealistic eye skin standard for people everywhere.

Help, I Ate Too Much Kale and Now I’m Immortal

By Riley Weber

After being told by friends and family to eat healthier, I finally caved and decided to make some lifestyle changes. I cut out junk food and began to eat plenty of veggies. I had heard good things about Kale and its health benefits. I began to put it in salads, sandwiches and smoothies, I couldn’t get enough of it. Then, one day, while cutting up some soybeans, I sliced open my finger. I went for a band-aid, but by the time I unwrapped the bandage, I noticed my finger had healed. I decided to cut my palm to see what would happen. Again, it healed within seconds. I realized then that I had likely become immortal.

I wasn’t too surprised at first–I had heard of things like this happening. In fact, I’m pretty sure the same thing happened to Jennifer Aniston. I mean, they don’t call it a superfood for nothing. With my new immortality, I decided to live my life to the fullest. I travelled the world, learning languages and meeting people. I swam the Amazon River, went skydiving, and even climbed Mount Everest. I could do anything without fear or worry. It was then that I met a woman. Esmerelda, was her name. I loved her more than anything in the world. We did everything together, and I finally felt complete. But to my despair, she never had a taste for kale. No matter how much I begged and pleaded, she wouldn’t eat it. She began to age, slowly, but noticeably. Time had stood still for me, I remained young as she slowly aged and withered and finally, died.

One Night

By Dan Smith

The air is soft. I open my eyes to see the endless black that is the night sky. I am laying in a field. The grass is wet. I hear a noise in the distance, and I sit up. It is dark. I can barely see. But the noise is getting louder. I stand up and stumble through the darkness, toward the sound. I realize I am barefoot. Aw man, the bottom of my jeans are gonna be so wet. It’s getting louder. I can begin to hear words, but I can’t make them out. There is a rhythm and melody. There’s a patch of woods ahead. It must be coming from in there. It’s getting colder. I make my way through the trees – ow, I stepped on a stick. There’s a clearing ahead. A bright light. It gets brighter as I get closer, blinding me. I can hear it now.

It’s Lil Yachty.

Quiz: Cookie Fortunes or Die Hard Quotes?

By Shannon Kelly

If you’ve ever opened a fortune cookie, then you know the fortunes that give them their name are eerily similar to quotes from the critically acclaimed film Die Hard. Test your film and fortune knowledge with this tricky quiz!

1. Today it’s up to you to create the peacefulness you long for.
2. Next time you have a chance to kill someone, don’t hesitate.
3. A dream you have will come true.
4. Oh God! Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! Drop the gun!
5. Enjoy the good luck a companion brings you.
6. I shot a kid. He was 13 years old. Ohhh, it was dark, I couldn’t see him. He had a ray gun, looked real enough. You know, when you’re a rookie, they can teach you everything about bein’ a cop except how to live with a mistake. Anyway, I just couldn’t bring myself to draw my gun on anybody again.
7. You will become great if you believe in yourself.
8. When they touch down, we’ll blow the roof, they’ll spend a month sifting through rubble, and by the time they figure out what went wrong, we’ll be sitting on a beach, earning twenty percent.
9. Never give up.

Guy Taking Up Two Desks in Class Probably Voted for Trump

By Hannah Lynn

If you frequent college classrooms either as a student, professor, or bum, you might have noticed a male student occupying two desks and chairs, for the sole luxury of the student putting his feet up or resting his backpack off the ground.

While some don’t have a problem with the extra desk usage or haven’t even noticed, others, like senior Melissa Gerald, see it as unfair. “I mean everyone can’t take up a second desk! It’s just common courtesy,” she said. Gerald also believes this behavior is indicative of political beliefs. “Like, duh people who do this voted for Trump. That man’s whole life is taking up extra desks.”

This French Politician is Fighting for the Right to Glue Your Bones to the Outside of your Body

By Riley Weber

French politician Gerard de Pomme broke new ground this year by becoming the first French presidential candidate to campaign on giving people the right to surgically remove their bones and glue them to the outside of their bodies. De Pomme rises from the newly formed Bonealist party, which contains a wide variety of skeleton-associated platforms. De Pomme claims to be a moderate within the party, wishing to shy away from the “extreme boneists,” who believe that the human body should be composed of all bone, and no flesh whatsoever. The newly formed party has yet to agree on all of its doctrines, such as whether bones should be epoxied to the skin, or if some form of staple should be used.

Jeremiah Got a Crowbar and Everyone are Pissed

By Michael Calhoun

Local pariah Jeremiah Von Blooshickel is up to his old antics. Ever since his infamous loss of his position as the Mayor of Pittsburgh due to his proposal to abolish Tuesdays, he has slowly descended into the pits of madness. He spends his days gallavanting about Oakland, raising hullabaloo left and right, and now he has a new tool at his disposal: a crowbar.

Mann Ganderson, a resident of Bellefield avenue expressed his frustration. “Every day we see him, beating the stop sign outside our house while screaming ‘I’m the mayor! I’m the mayor!’ or ‘Its the worst day of the week!’ for hours. We’ve called the police on him several times but somehow he always escapes,” Ganderson said.