Why Orange Man Leader?

By Hannah Lynn

I caveman. Resurfaced from ice block in place named Alaska. Look at newspaper. Impressed by use of paper, not stone carving. But who orange man? So much power. Such orange man. Never seen man like he.

He want build wall. He not know much difficult to build wall. Must gather and stack stones. Much work. Hard. Orange man, small hands. How can lift stones? Who build wall.

Orange man look at pale child like me look at Ugga. Ugga me wife. Even caveman think gross and caveman eat live squirrel.

Orange man not respect men not orange or pale like him and daughterwife. Leader comrades bad like sabertooth. Want kill men women even child because not pale. Want kill men who lay with men, but this normal for cavemen. In winter, must always keep warm. Also, it feel good in butt.

Why man make orange man leader? Mean small hands face scary like rabid bear. Lacks political experience. Me want go back to ice block but leader make ice melt.

Trump Appoints Kid Rock as Secretary of Awesome!

By Megan Klein

President-elect Donald Trump has officially announced he plans to appoint Kid-Rock to the cabinet position of Secretary of Awesome! He decided this was a good move considering Kid was “once married to Pamela Anderson, and no one is hotter than her except for my daughter, Ivanka.” He also credits the inspiration of his choice from listening to “Grit Sandwiches for Breakfast”, Kid Rock’s first album.

Kid Rock released a statement on Twitter declaring how honored he is for this opportunity, “I think the music I make is the kind of music you feel. And then buy.”  

This move by Trump comes as no surprise given Kid’s staunch conservative views and chart topping hits. If you look closely at his lyrics, this was a long time coming. “And we were trying different things/we were smoking funny things/making love out by the lake to our favorite song,” clearly predicts Trump’s entire campaign and Kid’s inevitable cabinet appointment. Kid Rock is his own Nostradamus.

Campus Chipotle to Offer New Express Checkout Line Where They Just Stab You

By Riley Weber 

Forbes Avenue seems to change as often as the seasons these days. Not to be outdone by the opening of a new, hole-less Qdoba, the campus Chipotle has announced an entirely new concept to be introduced in their restaurant. “It’s pretty simple,” franchise manager Sir Henry Rated explained. “It’s similar to one of our normal restaurants, except that right after you pay for your burrito the cashier stabs you with a 12 inch hunting knife.”

So far, the innovative idea has got the student population stirring. One of those intrigued was Pitt junior Savannah Crossley. “I’m eager to try it. I eat Chipotle probably once or twice a week and I’m almost getting tired of it. Something new would be very welcome.” The new system seems to appeal to many who seek stability in their daily life. “It really takes the guesswork out of getting killed. Instead of getting stabbed on my walk home at night, or say, in the McDonald’s bathroom, I can just purchase a burrito bowl and get stabbed right then and there. Easy,” Crossley explained.

Trump Hires Professional Nanny for Himself

By Michael Calhoun

In an altogether unprecedented moment of self-awareness, president-elect Trump has announced his placement as Carol Brukensting as his first white house staff member, as the president’s own personal nanny. “I know my limitations. I’ve been focusing so much time and energy on this campaign that my body has begun to forget how to properly function on a basic level, so I hired Carol.”

Miss Brukensting has been a nanny for 30 years, but considers this to be her most presidential role yet. “I’ve never nannied for anyone above 13 years-old before, and I have to say I was nervous. But after meeting with the man and interviewing him, following him around to see what he needs, it turns out that he basically functions exactly the same as a 6 month old child on a physical level. I change his diapers, burp him when he gets cranky, put him in his bouncy chair when he gets too upset. The hardest part is cleaning up his face after he spreads his mac and cheese all over it. He thrashes around so violently he nearly falls over in his high chair.”

Area Man Gives Up Drinking Dirty Pond Water

By Phil Forrence

John Tenneson struggles with addiction. “It’s a disease. A life-ruining disease that eventually takes over.” The twenty-two year is ready to turn the ship around, “I want to begin the next chapter of my life,” he proclaims, “and the first step is giving up drinking dirty, filthy pond water.”
“I started drinking from puddles and brooks at the age of 15,” Tenneson recalls, “and graduated to full blown ponds only two years later.”