Grammar Nazi Spooky Story

Credit: dinyctis.deviantart.com

Grammar Nazis have seized control of the country. They run everything and show no mercy to the grammatically deficient, seeking to purify the Grammaryan race. Your neighbors are shredded bones and rotting guts, your classmates are festering in camps.

You are seven years old, you read little and speak even less. Your family has been detained on the false charge of a dangling modifier.

“Once we are released,” your father whispers to you, “our friends will sneak us out of the country.” He hands you a letter to carry to the guards.

“Its not our fault,” the letter begins.

Native American Tribal Alliance Reluctant to Sign Treaty to Rename Redskins

Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder thought this whole name brouhaha would have blown over by now. “My original plan was to sit down at my computer, type up a treaty promising to adhere to their demands, get them to sign it, and then BAM, I wouldn’t have to do anything at all,” he said.

Snyder was mistaken. “We don’t really do the treaty thing anymore,” said Linda Edwards, spokesperson for the Native American Tribal Alliance. “We’re kind of past that whole phase.”

“Powerful white guys have never cared about the natives. That’s just how it is,” said Snyder, adding that it would be “really embarrassing” to be the very first white guy in American history to give the Native Americans what they ask for.

But Snyder, who is concerned about the negative publicity his team is receiving, is running out of ideas for what to do next. “Think Daniel, think!” he said to himself. “There’s got to be a way to make this whole mess go away. Native Americans have been easily screwed over in the past. What did George Custer and Andrew Jackson know that I don’t?” Snyder even tried coughing into a blanket and mailing it to Edwards’ office, a move she did not appreciate.

When asked how she and her organization would celebrate a possible victory, a dreamy look crept over Edwards’ face. “Oh gosh, I can’t even comprehend such a thing,” she said giddily. “In my tribe’s language there is no word for ‘getting what you want. But there are 22 different words all meaning ‘to be fucked over by the white man.’”

Local Woman Prefers Charities That Benefit Her Too

“I could just write a check to the organization, but what good does that do for me?” pondered Erin Ingram, proud benefit concert attendee, bake sale chef and rubber bracelet wearer. The self-described “do-gooder” explained her philanthropic inspiration while snacking on a pink yogurt sponsored by Susan G. Komen. “It works out perfectly because I get to make a difference and I get to buy the pink one,” said Ingham. “I prefer charities where you get a pink thing.”

“I didn’t want to do the ice bucket challenge until my air conditioner broke,” Ingram added. “Then I thought oh wow I’m really hot, then I thought hmm I wish someone would dump a bucket of ice water on my head, and that was when I realized I should do something to help children with Steven Hawking disease.” Posting the video to her facebook page also gave Ingram a chance to show off her new toned post-walk-a-thon season body.

Ingram’s son Alex shared her sentiments regarding charity. “I like wearing my ‘I love Boobies’ shirt because I get to express my love of boobies while helping cure boobie cancer,” said the 17 year-old.

Alex cited this as the reason why he chose not to participate in his high school Habitat for Humanity club, “I was like they get a house, so where’s the part where I get something? That’s like having a blood drive with no free cookies.”

Local White Guy Would Gladly Trade Power and Privilege for His Own Ethnic Food Festival

Tucker Paulson sat at a corner of the annual Indian American Festival feeling hungry, bored and alone. The aloo gobi was too spicy to even take a bite and there was no hope of dancing, as he could hardly keep up with the fast-paced bhangra beat. When the hot September sun had turned his rosy cheeks and uncomfortable shade of fuscia, Paulson decided he had had enough. “Just for once I’d like to see a festival celebrating my culture,” he moaned on his way to the parking lot.

But alas, his google search for “White Anglo-Saxon Protestant heritage celebration” yielded slim results. “The closest thing I could find was this one rally in Alabama, but that looked a little suspicious,” he said. “I mean sure, it’s nice that I never have to worry about police brutality and I like that I got to grow up in the suburbs. But when festival season rolls around I just feel really left out. I start to question whether being white is really all it’s cracked up to be.”

Paulson added that he would settle for a slightly more ethnic white ethnicity like Italian, Jewish or maybe even Irish American. “It would be fun just for once to be able to say something like, ‘that is deeply offensive to my people’ or ‘is it because I’m [insert ethnic minority here].’”

Conflict Kitchen Owner Hopes the Next Country We Invade Has Some Decent Food

“I mean Venezuelan food is okay. But we already did that one once,” says Cindy Greenspan, owner and head chef of the Conflict Kitchen, a local restaurant serving cuisine from various countries in conflict with the United States. Conflict kitchen has featured dishes from Cuba, Iran, Afghanistan, North Korea and now Venezuela for a second time. But now Greenspan is running out of ideas for 

the next country.

“The obvious choice is somewhere in the greater Middle Eastern area, the conflict capital of the world,” says Greenspan. “But there’s only so much you can do with chick peas and lamb.”

Everyday Greenspan opens her newspaper hoping for a war with Belgium, Italy or maybe even India. “Come on Obama, give me something to work with here!” says the culinary war hawk.

Greenspan added that a French-Vietnamese Fusion war would be ideal, but that she’d also like to see us bomb Japan a third time, since tempura is so scrumptious.

“Because I Like Mine the Best,” an Open Letter From a Professor Who Requires Students To Buy the Textbook He Wrote

Dear Students,

I am delighted to announce that you will all be required to read Foundations of Social Psychology by Professor Jeffery Ward (that’s me!) this semester. After carefully evaluating a number of textbooks, I have come to the conclusion that the book most suited to our studies just so happens to be the one I wrote. What a coincidence!

You may be wondering whether any sort of bias influenced my decision. It didn’t! Teaching from a book authored by one of my peers would mean I would have to evaluate and consider opinions that aren’t my own. Why bother with that when I already know that I agree with myself 100% of the time?

You may also be wondering whether I will make any of the copies my publisher gave me available. I won’t! In my years of teaching I’ve found that spending $200 on the required course material is most conducive to student’s learning. This has nothing to do with the considerable profit I’ll be making off of the 200 students in my lecture, all of whom will need the latest edition of my book. I myself have concluded that students who spend half a month’s rent money on a required text are most likely to take the course seriously. And don’t you even think about trying to buy any used pervious edition for cheaper. It’s true that I only changed about three paragraphs from the previous edition to make the newest one. But I jumbled up the page numbers and chapter sequence, so good luck following along with the rest of the class, ya cheapskates!

             

Sincerely,

Professor Jeffery Ward

Patrick Stewart is the Ripper

The legendary Jack the Ripper has finally been identified.  Driven by curiosity, amateur investigator Russell Edwards analyzed DNA samples from the shawl of one of the victims, and mitochondrial DNA led to the connection of the crime with suspect Aaron Kosminski.  Doubting Edwards’ claims, a University of Pittsburgh team conducted their own analysis and discovered a shocking new suspect in the crime – acclaimed actor Sir Patrick Stewart.  

Further analysis was performed on the DNA samples available, and in an even more bizarre turn of events, the victim was also found to be Stewart.  Dr. Notta Fohnii, head of the investigation team, describes a radical new theory – Stewart is not just one person.  “It was already common knowledge that Stewart isimmortal,” she told The Pittiful News, “but finding that he is in more than one body was a major shock.”  Fohnii explains that Stewart seems to be able to split his consciousness and not just inhabit but become more than one body.  While each body is not an exact clone, they all share a specific DNA sequence not found in other humans.  Those people live out very different lives, but all can be identified as Stewart.

Some members of the investigation team, upon arriving at this conclusion, retired from their field of work to form a religious sect dubbed the Patrick’s Gate Cult.  “We believe that we are all servants of The One True Stewart,”said researcher Norman Mivi.  “He blesses the just among us with His many, many legs so that we may join Him in His eternal paradise of weekend Star Trek marathons.”  The members of Patrick’s Gate believe that those who possess his DNA are the true servants of Stewart and will go on to live in happiness after death.  Dr. Fohnii, however, has denounced the cult as “a sham and a disgrace to the man,” stating “to believe there are any higher beings than Stewart himself is blasphemy.”  DNA samples of such celebrities as George W. Bush, Katy Perry, and our own Chancellor Gallagher have been taken; however, due to the time it takes for these tests to provide results, everyone will likely forget about the whole thing again before the results are in.

Women of Color Fight to Gain Equal Representation on BuzzFeed Lists

BuzzFeed’s 25 Things All Basic White Girls Do During The Fall list has sparked controversy from many civil rights activists who believe that all people should be able to enjoy scented candles, Ugg boots and instagram filters regardless of race, creed or color. “These lists are yet another reminder that even in 2014 race in America is still an issue,” says Natasha Jeffers, who holds a PhD in sociology. Jeffers also noted that she is perfectly capable of understanding items 1-28 on BuzzFeed’s 28 Things Only Teenage White Girls Will Understand, despite her ethnic background.

“The whites took every thing from our people. Now they want to claim the pumpkin spice latte too,” says Sarah Sitting-Bull of the Lakota tribe.

Local white guy, Tucker McMillan, had a different take on the matter: “Now that demographics are shifting and white people are set to become a minority in the coming decades we’ve got to start thinking about the kind of image we want to have. Do we want to be seen as math geniuses, terrorists, or people who are loud in movie theaters? This is a PR issue that we, as a race, have to consider.”

But Jeffers believes these BuzzFeed lists are yet another example of white privilege. “White people can’t just stereotype themselves as Starbucks-loving, mall-dwelling, autumn enthusiasts. They don’t understand that stereotypes have to come from decades of ignorance and persecution.”

Suburban Studies Program Fails Again

While more and more Pitt students flock to London, Florence, and Buenos Aires for their summer study abroad experiences, one destination continues to reign supreme: home.

Marking the end of the spring semester, thousands of students annually disperse from Pittsburgh to wherever they begrudgingly call home. And even though programs do exist for the geographical minority from cities and rural areas, none are nearly as well attended as the one for kids from the in between.

Offered by the department of Suburban Studies, this study abroad opportunity places students in the homes of real suburban families (their own) to absorb the local culture and cultivate new perspectives on the world. But despite the many student participants, the program has not been well received.

“Everyone always says that study abroad is easier than real college, but this was not the case with Suburban Studies,” said Pitt junior Sarah Filiaria. “It was so much harder to smoke weed at home. I’d rather pick up a second major than have to trek into the woods again just to get stoned.”

The immersive 16-week program includes classes like Intro to Performance: Acting Sober in Front of Your Parents, Public Relations at Awkward Family Gatherings, and Long Story out of Context: Your High School Friends are Boring Now. Additionally, the Suburban Studies department guarantees an internship for most students at whatever demeaning, minimum-wage job they worked before going to college.  

“It all seemed so foreign,” said sophomore Freddy Schmidt. “I know I used to live there, but I didn’t realize how terrible it was until I had to go back. Mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters, making small talk with my parents’ friends. It was like I had no responsibilities but I was constantly busy with the most agonizing tasks. I thought I’d like the time away from school but holy shit it sucked.”

Despite his forthright contempt for the study abroad location, Mohr plans to return to the Suburban Studies program next year.

“I don’t want do it again, but I don’t have the money to go somewhere cool,” he said. “I’ll probably even return for my graduate program in Being Unemployed.”

The Suburban Studies department may not have designed the perfect abroad opportunity, but at least they’ve succeeded in giving new meaning to the word “homesickness.”

Pitt gets a new mascot

By Hannah Lynn

University of Pittsburgh’s mascot has long been in question: whether it’s representative of our school, does it make sense to have a panther named “Roc,” and especially whether it’s right to have it when the Penn State mascot is so similar.

For the past 10 years, a secret committee of Pitt faculty, alumni, and mascot experts have been holding clandestine meetings in the dungeon below the Cathedral of Learning to discuss such matters. According to a source close to The Pittiful News, some of the replacement options included an eagle, a jackalope, and a bridge with a face named “Bridget.” When asked his opinion on the matter, Pitt sophomore Josh Evans said “What?”

After years of heated debates, the council finally announced Pitt’s new mascot: A craggy old man smoking a cigarette on a stoop. Don’t ask him about his past.

Several artists are currently working on a design for the mascot so he can be put on t-shirts, flags, and bumper stickers. After the current statue of the Panther is torn down, the University is considering employing someone to actually be the craggy old man smoking a cigarette on a stoop. However, it is unclear if the University has enough funds to build a stoop in the middle of a sidewalk.