Sochi Referee Totally Blanks on Curling Rules

Freezing up just when he was needed most, Winter Olympics official, Charles Reese fell apart during the final moments of the Sochi men’s curling qualifiers today. Evidently, Reese forgot to give out a yellow card or something when one of the um… the guy that slides off to the side at the end? That guy did something and the ref was like not doing something right or something? Anyway, this morning, Reese casts both his home country of the United States and, frankly, the whole world under a great and terrible shame.

Norwegian curling legend and well-known rock-slider position guy, Flemming Davanger, explained, “This referee has insulted the entire curling community with such brazen stupidity. He blew his whistle and neglected to call the um… that penalty when the guy… um you know the guy on the side who does the stuff with those broom things? Well, he was totally… uh… well I can tell you, as a curling professional, I didn’t like the way that the referee forgot to call a penalty on that at all.”

Referee Charles Reese certainly had to account for his mistake appearing before the Sochi Olympic Board who reprimanded him severely. Board President, Arnold Blistz, rebuked Reese exclaiming “How could you, Mr. Reese? You know the rules! The ice has to be erm… swept properly… or something. You can’t just let them – I mean – them, like those guys or um, guy in the middle. He’s just. You’ve gotta call that, right?”

Charles Reese apologized to the players, their families, and the greater Olympic community for having been so disgraceful on the ice. In a press release edited by Reese’s long-time friend and agent, Dr. Boris Gladwell, Reese pleads, “I’m sorry, everybody. There’s no excuse for my actions when I forgot to blow my whistle when the one guy on the side moved that rock thing in the way that’s not good – like when it’s spinning kinda maybe or when it’s too far or something like that? It was never my intention to let the game continue under such circumstance and I express my deepest gratitude to the Olympic Committee for having ever let me step forth on whatever we call the curling ice rink. ‘The Broom Dome?’ I don’t know. That’s what I’ve been calling it.”

Laziness Recognized as Mental Illness

Benjamin Zorich, recently hospitalized with a bout of laziness, has been suffering from the disorder his entire life.

Laziness has achieved the status of a legitimate mental illness. The National Institute of Mental Health committee that reviewed copious research studies announced this conclusion at a recent conference of the American Psychiatric Association.

“Laziness has always been perceived as a character flaw worthy of shame and punishment,” said Aaron Lipsnik, a historian of medicine and a member of the committee, adding that such attitude was a product of ignorance and equating it to the once-held belief that failure to pray causes typhoid fever. “With the aid of modern medicine we can finally help those afflicted by the illness to lead productive lives and achieve everything they want to.”

“We now know that laziness is a flaw in chemistry, not character,” said Dr. Jalal Mahavesh, the principal investigator. “Numerous studies of people with laziness have shown abnormal levels of melanocortin,” a neurotransmitter that allows signals in the brain to travel from neuron to neuron. “We can now safely say that laziness is as legitimate an illness as diabetes or cancer, and also very dangerous, as it can shatter dreams and ruin lives.”

As the disorder goes grossly underdiagnosed, with the recognition of its legitimacy comes the promise of help. The pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly, besides having incidentally funded all major studies on laziness, has already developed an anti-laziness drug called Promaxus.

“Just as people with diabetes need insulin, those suffering from laziness need Promaxus,” said the company’s spokesperson Peter Bromsky. He added that there is no shame or stigma in using the drug, “since you can’t cure diabetes with self-discipline, and laziness is no different. It is the direct result of a chemical imbalance in the brain that Promaxus fixes.” Two-day trials have shown that the drug has no side effects and is not addictive, and neglecting to treat laziness with Promaxus will lead to “severe and debilitating consequences,” he added.

The legitimization of laziness as a mental illness has already sparked a wave of changes in numerous government policies regarding disability benefits, education, and other related areas. Thus, the Social Security Administration released a statement saying that it will work on providing disability benefits to patients with laziness, since “those afflicted with the brain disorder are often unable to hold a job or seek employment.”

According to the official statement released on its website, the Department of Education is in the process of making laziness officially on par with other brain disorders like autism and cerebral palsy. “Students diagnosed with laziness ought to be entitled to special accommodations such as reduced academic workload, longer breaks, and additional time on exams and assignments,” the statement said.

Vegetarians Fight for Right to Eat Meat

Numerous protests broke out on Pitt’s campus in the first week of the spring semester as a part of the Meat for Me movement. Indignant vegetarians, fed up with people telling them what they can or cannot do, are determined to reclaim their constitutional right.

“Just because I’m a vegetarian doesn’t mean that I can’t eat meat,” said Nancy Barometer, a Pitt junior and one of the organizers of the protests. “I’m sick of hearing people tell me I can’t do this or do that just because I belong to a minority group. This grave social injustice has to stop, and it has to stop now.”

The sentiment is not new. May protesters said that they had been suffering from discrimination for quite some time. The upcoming Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday might have inspired the public outrage, but it was Christmas break that drove them to the edge.

“The scenario is familiar to all of us,” said Ashton McPenzeldon, a sophomore history major at Pitt. “It’s Christmas dinner with all the hams and turkeys but you’re told that you can’t have those because you’re different. I can’t help but think of the segregation a century ago—you know, all the white-only bathrooms, cafes, bus stops, and all because those people were different. It’s high time to recognize that vegetarians have the right to eat meat, folks. It’s a human rights issue.”

“Their claim may sound paradoxical or illogical, but it is valid nonetheless,” commented Stanly Mencey, a Ninth Amendment scholar at Harvard. He called the claim fully constitutional, adding that the Constitution says nothing about logic. Nobody should be denied a right solely because of his or her beliefs, he said, “and failure to grant the protesters their rights in a timely manner will cast modern democracy in a bad light.”

Although the protests were local, they received some national attention. Such early signs of success have already inspired some movements, such as the Digital Amish and Atheists for God, to take their indignation to the streets, all unified under a slogan “Yes, we can!”

But, for Barometer, their fight has just begun. Their next planned move is to eat meat at diners and restaurants, dressed in clothes with vegetarian insignia and Meat for Me emblems. “It’ll take a long time to drive the message home,” Barometer said. “But it’s worth it.”

Higgs Boson Missing

Higgs boson, the elusive elementary particle that took almost five decades to be found, was reported missing on the morning of January 1st. 

“It took me most of my life to find my little darling,” said Peter Higgs, the British theoretical physicist who initiated the search. “I’ve been losing sleep looking for her. I gave her my last name. We finally met one lovely evening at the Big Hadron Collider a year ago. I took her home and was happy.”

However, he said, things turned sour when he received the 2013 Nobel Prize in Physics for the discovery. “She thought I did it only for the medal and money, my silly little Boson. She doubted my feelings.” 

In an effort to make it up to her, Higgs said he took the boson to Times Square for the New Year’s Eve. They came back to the party in his apartment together, but when Higgs woke up the following morning, she was gone. 

“I was despondent,” he said. “I looked everywhere but couldn’t find her. Boson, darling, if you’re reading this, please come back to Papa.”

Higgs has issued his Nobel prize money as a reward for any information that would lead to the boson’s discovery. 

CBS Launches ‘Relatable’ New Sitcom

By Hannah Lynn

At a brainstorming meeting last week, CBS executive John Whiteface pitched an idea for a new television show, which he described as “full of potential.” The show, which Whiteface pitched with the working title “The Sitcom,” revolves around four twenty-something men, who are all roommates.

“It’s got some really great characters. You know, there’s the neurotic guy looking for love, the one with the big ego, the nerd, and the smooth guy who’s always coaching the others,” he explained

When asked what made this sitcom stand out, Whiteface cited its relatability. “They’re just four guys living their lives in the city. Everyone can get that,” he said. Dave Johnson, another executive at the meeting, asked Whiteface about what role diversity played in the show. “I just want to make sure we fill our quota,” he said. “Oh and being inclusive whatnot,” he quickly added. Whiteface assured him that one of the guys could definitely be black.


Linda Stevens, a woman in the room, asked Whiteface whether there would be any women in the show. He assured her that there would be, as the guys would frequently be in bars trying to pick up girls and there might even be an occasional girlfriend. “Not every show has to be about women, you know. I mean you guys have that new ‘Sex and the City’ thing plus that one about cougars,” he said. “Men still need their TV too.”

The meeting proved a success as CBS decided to pick the show up and start casting immediately. The network decided to keep the name “The Sitcom” because it’s “straightforward and you know what you’re getting.”

“The Sitcom” will air starting next week on Tuesdays at 8. Reruns will play all other days of the week.

Local Boy Being Raised by Wolves Has Excellent Parent-Teacher Conference

Local fifth-grader and otherwise stand-up boy, Matthew Blake, breathed a sigh of relief today as his wolf-parents, Balto and Groin-Gnasher, found the teacher to be very polite to and complimentary about him. In an exclusive interview, Matt explained “Mom and Dad said my teacher, Mr. Rowanowsky, seemed tasty- er tastefully engaged with me and my studies. Mr. Rowanowsky didn’t even bring up the time I peed on all the other kids’ backpacks and then rubbed my armpit glands on the biggest kid in class to mark my new territory. Mom and Dad were worried that the humans wouldn’t like that but despite all the detentions he gave me, it seems like Mr. R is on my side!”


In an effort to contribute all perspectives, Matt’s teacher met with “The Pittiful News” to discuss his reactions to Matt. Mr. Rowanowsky gushed, “Matt is such a bright, well-protected student from a clearly wonderful parentage. The way his parents licked their lips and growled when I spilt vinaigrette dressing from my salad onto my arm told me that Matt must come from a very expressive and affectionate home. After being playfully mounted and gnawed on by Greta Nash – oh, what’s that? Groin-Gnasher? Wait.” Mr. Rowanowsky grew visibly pale before our staff’s eyes, dry-heaved, and then continued. “She was great,” Mr. Rowanowsky quivered. “What a – um… smile. Every tooth was certainly there and in the right place. Good God her name was Groin-Gnasher?!”

Mr. Rowanowsky abandoned the interview mumbling something about rabies vaccinations despite Matt’s assurance after the conference that, quote, “She bites because you’re friends now.”

Desperate Student Resorts to Dissecting Himself during Anatomy Midterm

"The Pittiful News" Oscar Picks!

Best Picture

Spaghetti and Meatpucks
A down-on-his-luck pizzeria owner discovers he’s got a 100mph slap-shot… but only if he hits a sliced slab of frozen salami! Join Vincenzo the pizza guy in his quest to join the New York Islanders with the help of his trusty three foot leg of salami, Sasha the Salami, (voiced by James Earl Jones). An up-and-down zany dramedy with all the twist and turns of a fresh rotini noodle. Three cheers for Spaghetti and Meatpucks!

Spaghetti and Meatpucks 2: Unlimited Soup, Salad, and Deadsticks
The director’s cut of Spaghetti and Meatpucks featuring one love scene where the actor playing Vincenzo is still in the zombie makeup he had to wear for a ‘Walking Dead’ audition earlier that day.

Last Train to Dinosaur Peninsula
Originally titled “Last Boat to Dinosaur Island”, this Michael Bay epic following Shia LaBeouf’s romance with a stegosaurus ran out of money after three days shooting in Fiji. Michael Bay had to shoot the rest outside an AmTrak station near Tallahassee.

Happy Movie that Gets Sadder
I didn’t know what to expect going into this film but was certainly taken on quite the roller coaster ride. Happy Movie that Gets Sadder starts out as a happy movie with happy people, but events occur and then the movie gets sadder. It ends up being pretty sad.

Палачинка (Bulgarian Pancake)
Originally debuting at Tribeca by mistake, this Bulgarian flapjack cooking instructional DVD was not intended to screen until a studio intern accidentally switched in its reel. Due to its foreign language content, the Academy deemed it worthwhile and deep.

Our Prediction
Spaghetti and Meatpucks director, George Allan, will accept the award regardless of whether or not his movie wins. Most likely, Allan will then lick all the envelopes so the presenters are grossed out and no other films can claim victory that night. He always pulls that kind of stuff and that’s why we love him.


Best Actor

Daniel Night Lewis in The Devil Wears Trendy Oven Mitts
Cap’n Parcy Hamlet of the notorious Black Ship Pirate League, played by Daniel Day Lewis’s evil twin, Daniel Night Lewis, has always wanted one thing: to be a hand model for the Macy’s kitchenwear catalog. However, after a tragic trout-grinding accident, Cap’n Hamlet is left with hooks for hands and hollow shells for dreams! Plotting a map to opportunity and setting the course for realization, Cap’n Hamlet replaces his hooks with two mozzarella slicers. Macy’s modeling agency is impressed but will he keep his crew’s respect with cheese graters for arms?

Johnny Depp in What’s Gilbert Grape Eating?
Johnny Depp captivates the audience as a young Gilbert Grape. At first, Depp consumes a seemingly-myriad eighty-seven combination pepperoni-cheese pizza bagels, but then with a change of heart and a little bit of encouragement from his little brother (Leo DiCaprio), Depp tries the Ritz cracker and onion dip as well.

Harrison Ford in Star Wars VIII: Blasty Blasty Boom Boom Lasers Blam
Sporting some of the greatest FX advancements in pew-pew laser zingies, Harrison Ford’s ability to fire his light-up thingie gun is pure movie magic.

Jeff Daniels in Newsy Lewis and the Hues
Taking the lead role in Aaron Sorkin’s experimental newsroom drama, Newsy Lewis and the Hues, brought along a great burden of expectation for Jeff Daniels. Not only did Jeff have to deliver believable news stories regarding fiscal crises to the tune of Huey Lewis’s hit “The Heart of Rock & Roll”, he had to do it while wearing a brightly-hued colorful vest. What a fantastic premise!

Santa Claus in Twilight Rider
Wow, blown away! Santa did an excellent job playing a brusque, but sensitive brothel owner during the nineteenth century San Francisco gold rush. The way his shaved beard revealed a chiseled jaw of Arctic gruffness, the way he coolly placed a Christmas ribbon on Sheriff Ned’s skull before blowing his brains out into the dry gulch, the way silver bells jingled in Santa’s pocket whenever he bumped uglies with his mistress, Sandy Dunes. Santa not only deserves an Oscar, but he deserves lifetime recognition for delivering such a masterful performance that simultaneously evokes the jolliness of his marshmallow personality and the blood of the Wild West.


Best Actress

Meryl Streep in National Geographic’s Closer Look: The Mating Habits of Emperor Penguins
Commitment – surely there is no other term to describe Meryl Streep’s choice to don an extra-large penguin costume, slowly integrate herself into a penguin flock, and court several male penguins all so National Geographic could learn more about the sexual habits of the Antarctic emperor. With the help of Meryl, a grotesque yet poignant half-penguin half-man (or “peng-man”) is formed and quickly shot by the director in order to preserve God’s natural decency. But above all, Meryl and these flightless bird soar on film.

Jennifer Lawrence in The Chronicles of Twitzel
Once Jennifer Lawrence staples her face to the headdress of Queen Yeti of the Sesame Trolls, I think we all knew where this film was going. That classic story of boy meets girl, girl exorcises Sasquatch carcass was definitely elevated to new dramatic heights with Jennifer Lawrence’s tried-and-true performance as a single mom of sixteen troll kinsmen from the future Hansok Dynasty. By the time J-Law utters her final battle cry ushering in the reign of the asthmatic dwarf legion known as the Lil’ Gaspies, the audience feels the film’s callback to that age-old Hollywood simplicity we all remember. An ultimately forgettable film but a memorable feeling indeed.

Natalie Portman in Alley Oopz
Basketball-playing alley cats with attitude? Sign me up! Natalie Portman plays the b-ball coach of a ragtag bunch of CGI feral tabbies who set their hearts on winning the state championship only to realize that they are not enrolled in high school. Portman quickly figures out these cats need to be schooled in the classroom before they school on the court, yo. Can Portman teach these crazy cats to talk, hold pencil, read, write, maintain streams of conscious thought, adapt to the circadian rhythm of human society, keep up a 2.0 academically viable GPA , use sporks in the cafeteria, understand algebra, comprehend the fundamentals of American civics so they can pass proficiency exams, walk on two legs so as not to stir suspicion when they enter examination areas, shave themselves so that they may appear humanoid during mandatory physical examinations prior to the basketball season, AND sink a jump shot? We’ll never know because the only existing reel of this film cuts off after twenty minutes.

Rachel McAdams in Madison’s Queef
Enter Madison, a sensible girl-next-door prepared to open up and explore every exciting nook and alluring cranny the world presents her. Madison has a timid smile with a glowing presence that reminds the moviegoer that love and beauty aren’t so much the dazzle of a bright dress, but the twinkle of a bright-eyed hello. All this would seem immaculate if it wasn’t for Madison’s only problem: she queefs whenever she sneezes. Rachel McAdams’s performance as a young woman with a pollen allergy living in the upper Midwest’s orchard country maintains the pacing and familiarity of a country romance but gains propulsion through a constant airstream of nasal irritation and vaginal burps daisy field after daisy field. Enjoy the movie while it lasts!


Best Wall-E Bloopers
Wall-E
The one where Wall-E touches a magnet and explodes.

Wall-E Special Edition
The one where Wall-E touches water and explodes.

Lee Daniels’ The Butler
The one where Oprah touches a magnet and explodes.

Wall-É, Spanish Language Cut
The one where Wall-E touches Jarritos and explodes.


Honorary Oscar

Satchel Smitz, legendary camera operator and caterer, has worked on many acclaimed films including The Muppets Take Siberia, Banana-y the Detective Monkey Who Frequently Holds Bananas As Monkeys Are Wont to Do, 8 Mile: Rick Ross’s Harrowing Journey to Complete a 13K Red Cross Fun Run, and Sewer Bees 2: Stinky Sting. His drive to see a project through to completion and tendency to spill hot coffee on himself have entertained directors and burn wards alike.

Movies to look out for in 2014

By Hannah Lynn

Noah: If there’s one thing this world does not need, it’s Darren Aronofsky telling the classic biblical tale of Noah and his ark. What’s next, Quentin Tarantino directs “Moses?”

Muppets Most Wanted: How about least wanted? There was maybe one person who requested a sequel to the Muppet movie.

The Amazing Spiderman 2: Didn’t this movie come out already?

Fifty Shades of Grey: I’m fifty shades of DONE with this book. I’m pretty sure the movie already exists; it’s called porn. Google it, idiots. If they make the whole trilogy I’m going to sue Stephenie Meyer for creating a monster. 


The Hobbit 3: Speaking of trilogies, what about this crock of shit? It’s almost impressive that they took a 300 page book and turned it into a three part series, but not impressive enough to make me want to see it. I’m through with that dildo fella.  

The Grand Budapest Hotel: Oh look, a Wes Anderson movie. I wonder if it will be like all the other Wes Anderson movies that have ever been made.

Dolphin Tale 2: Finally a movie I can sincerely get behind. I mean when I saw Harry Connick Jr. in the first dolphin tale, I was blown away! I can’t wait to see what these crazy sea creatures are up to next. How is Winter the dolphin’s prosthetic tale holding up? Will Kris Kristofferson return for his guest role? September 19th can’t get here fast enough!