Is this the sound of a hat hitting a wall or sounds of me being stabbed

By Lord Tyler Sikov

  • Buh-duh
  • Whooo-to
  • Oh no, stop stabbing me, ah, can someone hear me, please stop, help, I don’t like being stabbed
  • How rude
  • I appreciate your honesty
  • Luke I am your father
  • The sun is a soup
  • Welcome to Jurassic Park
  • Party Rockers in the house tonight
  • Party Rock is in the house tonight
  • Hi, my name is Tyler
  • I’m Batman, with a knife
  • Bond, James Bond, with a knife
  • Jason Derulo
  • Hi, my name is Tyler, would you like a knife

Answers found here

The University’s 2022 Operating and Capital Budgets (Updated to contain information we’ve obtained by following the instructions of the magic conch)

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pitttttttttttiful Pew Research Coalition) Edits made in bold: original email

PsBattle: A drone carrying a pug : photoshopbattles

Dear Pitt Community Members and anybody that we decide this is relevant to because we just wanna be in everyone’s business:

Earlier today, members of our Bored of Trusting—acting through the Board’s Executing Committee—convened and approved the University of Pittsburgh’s operating and capital punishment for Rechnungsjahr Year 2022.

It is important to recognize that these budgets follow an exceptionally disruptive year due to the students being little shits as usual and fucking up our plans for that big staff party. Our strategies, enacted over the last budget cycle to mitigate the financial repercussions of these disruptions, have included:

  • Holding tuition and room and board and my dick flat.
  • Freezing faculty and staff brains cryogenically to force them to work for us forever.
  • Offering an un-voluntary early retirement option to faculty and staff.
  • Curtailing all nonessential hiring and travel and beings.
  • Switching to renewable horny-frat-boy energy instead of natural gas harvested from the WPU Taco Bell.
  • Cutting the position of Lothrop Hall Clown.
  • Pausing all construction projects, except for the ones that make you, personally, late for class.
  • Enacting one-time unit-level budget cuts of 5%, which generated an extra $44 million in savings to cover COVID-19 costs related to testing, PPE acquisition, safely populating and depopulating campus, and fancy technology that professors have no idea how to use.
  • Receiving significant federal COVID-19 relief, while still complaining about minimum wage workers getting “government handouts”.

Despite these historic disruptions, Pitt’s operating and capital budgets for Fisting Year 2022 represent our institution’s first steps toward a new, post-pandemic normal and a return to in-person instruction this fall. The approved budgets balance our efforts to move on from last year’s budget disruption and begin to engage in a fuller recovery.

Some key highlights:

  • Our operating budget is set at $2.6 billion, up 20376175449% from last year’s operating budget of $12 and 76 cents.
     
  • Our capital budget is set at $420 million, 150% larger than last year’s COVID-19-reduced total of $140 million.
     
  • Our projected research base is $908 million, in line with last year’s research base. This is the first time in Pitt’s history that our projected research base budget exceeds $900 million. We need the extra $8 million to research whether we are spending enough on research.
     
  • Our operating budget includes a modest swimming pool which will decrease the salaries of all faculty and staff whose names are not signed at the bottom of this email. A forthcoming email, sent to employees from Chief Aquatic Officer Hairy Sastry and Senior Vice Lifeguard Dave DeVito, will include further information on these decreases.
     
  • Tuition will increase for the 2021-2022 academic year. On our Pittsburgh campus, tuition will increase by 2.5% for in-state undergraduate and all graduate students and basically all students and while we’re at it 4.5% for out-of-state undergraduates and maybe for the staff too because fuck it, this is MY HOUSE. Two exceptions:
    • All in-state and out-of-state undergraduate engineering students will be kept at the base rates rise of 2.5%. It’s kinda all we have going for us in terms of reputation plus we kinda work them really fucking hard because it’s funny so we’ll cut them a little slack.
    • All undergraduates in the School of Hacking and Information Technology (SHIT) will see rates rise by an additional 2%, as the oracle has told us. We really don’t control how the tuition rises, it’s just whatever amount we must sacrifice for the Galligods. Resulting in increases of 4.5% for in-state and 6.5% for out-of-state students.
  • On our regional campuses, tuition will increase by 1.5% for both on-planet and off-planet students. As in recent years, we devote much of this increase to hunting the poorer students for sport. Room and board costs will increase. Dining costs will rise across all campuses by approximately 3% as sustainable options for ethically-sourced human meat becomes more expensive to acquire. On-campus housing costs will increase by approximately 5% on our Pittsburgh campus and between 2% to 4% on our regional campuses, to give select students the experience of sleeping outside under campus benches.
     
  • To balance our operating budget, we have adopted a permanent 1% budget reduction, effective across the University. No more Christmas decorations in Cathy or the O’Hara Student Center. No more Christmas.

Both budgets—as always—are the product of many pretty easy decisions and relatively quick conversations with myself in the mirror. I am extremely grateful for our leaders in Pyeongyang, who once again voted to support Pennsylvania’s students, families and future by passing our annual cultural appropriation bill. I also want to thank the University Planning and Budgeting Committee for tackling the journalists about to expose my many charges of public indecency. There weren’t many difficult decisions associated with these budgets, and I remain incredibly proud of Pitt students, faculty and staff for not just paying my salary but going deeper into debt for my personal yacht during these challenging times. 

I am a little too excited for the new academic year, the new opportunities it will bring and the chance to see students from a respectful and un-horny distance, as per my restraining order, and to see faculty and staff continue advancing our university’s mission—creating and leveraging dog drones for the 1 percent’s gain—together.

Respect me fully,

Patrick “Galligator” Gallagher

A secret message to my Non-Binary readers

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Code: they/them 0/1

they them they them they them them them / they them them they they them they them / they them them they them them they they / they them them they they they them them / they them them they them them them them / they them them they them them they them / they them them they they them they them / they they them they they they they they / they them them them they them they they / they them them they them them them them / they they them they they they they they / they them them them they them they they / they them them they them they they they / they them them they they them they them / they they them they they they they they / they them them they they they them them / they them them them they them they them / they them them they them them they they / they them them them they them they they / they they them they them them them they

How the Pittiful News writes a Group Article

By The writers of The Pittiful News

 

  1. Learn how to write
  2. Acquire a group

    1. it is fine if you have to kidnap people
    2. groups can be made up of:

      1. Stuffed animals

      2. Real animals

  • Imaginary friends

  1. Manifestations of your exponentially increasing loneliness

  2. People! (Minus babies. Abolish babies)

    1. agreed
  3. Make sure the other group members know how to write
  4. (Very hard) Come up with an idea for a group article.

    • For example: an article about how to write a group article
  5. Always find a way to incorporate a dick joke. They just elevate
    the entire thing.
  6. Overshare about your long and hard life story
  7. Cry a little bit.
  8. Control + Shift + 7
  9. Make sure your glasses are clean. You need to be able to see the
    group article!
  10. Make sure the camera on your laptop is clean. The group article
    needs to be able to see you!
  11. Question your entire worth and ability to be funny. Have a crisis
    about the fact that you will be unemployed after college because you decided to
    major in English. You stupid piece of shit. Your sister goes to Johns Hopkins
    for chemical engineering. You’re paying thousands of dollars to analyze the
    green light in Great Gatsby. Who is gonna hire you for that? Nobody, you idiot.
  12. Cry a little bit more.
  13. Buy graph paper, you will need this later
  14. Make a bunch of matching shirts for you and your group to
    establish to onlookers that you are all a part of the same group who is writing
    an article together.
  15. Check twitter 13 times for inspiration
  16. Challenge other members of your group to a joust and see who comes
    out victorious, this is how the Pittiful News does elections
  17. Watch the entirety of the Bill and Ted’s Excellent Cinematic
    Universe to put yourself in the mood to write some jokes.
  18. Drunk call someone you’re secretly in love with just to feel
    It’s great for inspiration.
  19. Sleep with at least two people in said group to create some drama.

    • Write about said drama.
  1. This is a real occurrence, it happened 3 years ago
  1. Read some of your favorite articles to remind yourself that you will never create anything as good and you will amount to nothing.
  2. Eat lunch
  3. Eat breakfast
  4. Eat dinner

    • Please follow steps 21-23 in that exact order, otherwise there may
      be ill effects
  5. Get baptized
  6. Get circumsized
  7. Get bar mitzvahed
  8. Meet a nice Jewish boy, or nice Jewish girl, or nice Jewish enby.
  9. Dump their ass
  10. Leave town. Buy a new passport with a fake name from a man in a
    dark alleyway. Pack nothing but a cigarette and a pack of gum. Move to a remote
    island somewhere in vague Europe. You’re a new person now. Start over. Create a
    Fall in love with the store owner across the street but never reveal
    who you really are until it’s been 50 years and you’re on your deathbed. Make
    sure to take notes on what you observe during this to use for your article!
    Send the notes to your group. Die.
  11. Buy a ticket for Israel, 2 bottles of water for the way, and you
    sure do have some sweet company oh were leaving next week what do you say, when
    we’re gone when we’re gone, your gonna miss us when we’re gone, you’re gonna
    miss us by our smiles you’re gonna every mile oh your gonna miss us when we’re
    gone
  12. One hop this time, 2 hop this time, hands on ya knees hand on ya
    knees etc. https://www.wikihow.com/Do-the-Electric-Slide
  13. Cry for the last time before you actually start writing something.
  14. Actually start writing the group article.

Good Smells

By Tyler Sikov and Sonya Acharya

  1. Babies
  2. Discovery
  3. An Abercrombie and Fitch shirt after you wash it with Gain the first time
  4. Teen spirit
  5. Forrest
  6. Lavender
  7. Good smelling cologne
  8. Coffee
  9. The specific coffee beans that they give you at Yankee Candle to cleanse your nasal palate after you smell a nasty peppermint candle that makes your nose feel like it was just assaulted by Jack Frost
  10. That tree stump
  11. Freshly mown grass, new parchment & spearmint toothpaste
  12. Fergalicious it’s delicious
  13. Cats
  14. Rotting plants
  15. Vanilla extract before you taste it
  16. A brand new deck of cards
  17. Falling in love
  18. The rose you were going to give to your prom date but she stood you up so now you must console yourself by inhaling inhumane amounts of pollen from this flower to put yourself into an allergy coma so you can wake up from it a week later feeling better
  19. The helmets of Mongol invaders (in museums)
  20. Bath and Body Works in the off-season after you have dropped an anvil on your foot

Heck (Hell but more Inconvenient)

By Tyler Sikov

Before I tell you about my experience in Heck, I should probably tell you how I died. I was running around in one of those revolving doors, forcing people to go through the much less fun normal door, I was then decapitated while trying to leave the door, the door was spinning so fast that my head was just gone. I appear inside a room and an attendant puts lotion of my hands and feet. I am then told that I must go to the reception area for processing. This was immediately a difficult task as to do that I needed to open a door, and I could not stop sliding around the room. The lotion smelled really nice so I decided to lick my fingers which gave me a great idea, I could open the door with my mouth. I put my mouth around the handle and the door immediately flies open sending me sledding across the floor. The man in the doorway tells me to follow him. I follow him down many twisting and turning halls with him talking at a volume I could hear but not quite make out everything he said. At many points I lost him only to find myself walking down the wrong hallway and falling down a random pit. I must then climb the long stair case where each step is a different height, this really killed my ankles, get it because I am dead, eh. You living folks will get it when you are dead.

Finally, I find him and am escorted into a reception room. This room is filled with many buttons. None of the buttons have labels so I begin pressing random buttons. The buttons I pressed did these to me: had a group of people run out and lightly brush my face with feathers, had someone play twinkle twinkle little star on my teeth, someone come to give me a hug but it lasted a few seconds too long and he was really sweaty, someone walked near me with a chinchilla and every time I tried to pet it they would pull it slightly farther away. Finally, I pressed a button that brought out a lady who introduced herself as the receptionist. I asked where I was and she said Heck, an eternity of small inconveniences. I thought of myself as a good person but I guess I inconvenienced a lot of people in my life. She tells me that I am all checked in and that I am free to leave the reception room and go find lunch.

I leave the room and after getting lost for a mildly inconvenient amount of time I find the elevators. I was expecting them to be empty but when one arrived it was almost full, there was one spot left. I get in and as the elevator is descending, I realize that everyone else in here has not showered in months. I turn and talk to one of the people to ask them why they are all in here and why they smell bad, yes I am a blunt person, all of the people in the elevator say in unison “We never leave, we never clean ourselves, we make all elevator rides inconvenient”. The elevator then got stuck for 30 minutes. The elevator does not have numbers on their buttons so you would press random floors just hoping it took you where you were looking to go. Once I get to the floor I was searching for, I go and get myself a burrito bowl from Chipotle but they are always out of a random ingredient, so just normal Chipotle. I order what I ordered while I was alive, but when I go to pay, the credit card machine is broken so I pay in cash, I have just enough to pay for it and tip 10% in my pocket.  I eat the food but I find a hair in it, I go up to the customer service desk to complain about this.

I get to the desk and the woman at the desk screams at me for wasting her time. She then starts to talk about how she knows corporate and demands to speak to my manager. I finally get a word in and complain about there being hair in my food and this woman smacks me in the face and then punches herself in the stomach and starts screaming that I hit her, so I decide that this is a lost cause, I ate a lot of cat hair in my life so eating a bit of mystery hair in my afterlife is not the biggest of deals. As I am walking away from the desk someone hits me on the back of the head with an empty wrapping paper tube. I ask why, and this guy replies, “Whenever your sibling thinks of you someone will come up behind you and hit you on the head with an empty wrapping paper tube, as I have just done”. Right once he finishes saying this, I get hit on the head again, I have 20 siblings, lucky for me it does not hurt that much it is just more a mild annoyance, just like having a sibling.

Right then I stumble into an alley that is full of people asking me to sign their petitions, I start signing some of them and on one of them I write the date wrong, I go to erase it but the eraser bits stick to the paper and you can tell that I wrote I wrong the first time because it does not erase fully. I then get a notification on my phone that my job has been changed and will be changed every day. I question this because in life I never had a real job, I would just go to a business for a week, reorganize their computer systems and cabinets, then leave without telling anyone where they can find their stuff in the new systems and cabinets. It tells me that today I get to mow a lawn, I am allergic to mown grass so I will be sneezing for a week after today. The map on my phone shows me that I am a 20-minute walk away from the lawn I am meant to mown, and I need to be there in 15 minutes. Right then the path I must take to get to my job is filled with people, not enough to stop me from getting there, just enough that it will be harder for me to get there on time.

When I get to my job, 35 minutes late, I go to shake my boss’s hand and he begins to do the worm. Once he notices that I am attempting to shake his hand he gets up and asks if the culture changed again, I ask what he means and he says that every few months the culturally accepted greetings and other culturally accepted practices are changed, and no one will tell you what they have been changed to, so sometimes you come off looking rude. He then tells me to mow the lawn. Once I am done mowing, I decide to go to a rooftop pool. I get into a swimsuit and jump in. quickly I realize that parts of the pool are salt water and parts are chlorine, I am very confused as to how this works but more bothered by the fact that different parts of the pool are wildly different temperatures.

Once I am done, I get directions to my apartment. It takes me an hour to get there. Once I get there I reach into my pocket and find a ring of keys, and the 15th key I try opens the door. Right as the door opens, some cats jump into my arms. Right when I think that this may be a nice place to be, the cats jump off of me leaving my entire body coated with hair. I walk in and find that I have a dryer full of clothes, I take the clothes out and as I am walking back to my bed to fold the clothes, I drop a sock onto the dirty floor. I pick it up and decide that I should wash it again so I put it into a different basket. I notice that this sock has a hole in it, I look through my other socks and I notice that all of them have holes in different places, many of them will cause some of my toes to be out of my sock. I knew that this could be a bit annoying because I have to walk up hill everywhere I go. Right then I get a message telling me that tomorrow my job is stapling individual pieces of very sticky paper.

I change into my pajamas, freshly clean and folded and go to brush my teeth, while I am brushing my teeth water is constantly dripping down my arms, because of this I wash my hands. I pull up my sleeves so they do not get wet but the second I turn on the water my sleeves fall back down and get soaked. There is a knock on the door, I open it and get hit on the head by an empty wrapping paper tube, again. I go back inside and decide I should watch some Netflix. I go to search for a show I like but every key I press types a different letter or symbol, it takes me a long time to find the show I want to watch. After a bit of buffering because the wifi is slow I watch an episode. The next episode starts after a bit of buffering but it is not the next episode in the show, it is a random episode of the show. I try to find a way to watch the episodes in order but all shows autoplay their episodes in a random order. I look at the clock and see that it is getting pretty late so I decide to go to bed. The bed is part box spring, part memory foam, part air mattress and part water bed. It is going to be hard to fall asleep but soon enough I will and then I will wake up and live in this world of small inconveniences. This is my own personal Heck.

 

Cats Smell Nice

By Tyler Sikov (and his cat Peanut butter)

Cats smell nice just out of a bath

Cats smell nice when they help you with math

Cats smell nice when they lick themselves clean

Cats smell nice when their eyes really gleam

Cats smell nice when they hit you on the head

Cats smell nice when they raise the dead

Cats smell nice when they perform a blood sacrifice

Cats smell nice when they hit around a cube of ice

Cats smell nice when they take a drink

Cats smell nice when they wear all pink

Cats smell nice when they greet you at the door

Cats smell nice when they play outside in a downpour

Cats smell nice when they eat your eyes

Cats smell nice when they plan a surprise

Cats smell nice when they hold your hand

Cats smell nice when they do something unplanned

Cats smell nice when they kiss your face

Cats smell nice when they attend jury duty in your place

Cats smell nice when they eat their dinner

Cats smell nice when they behead a sinner

Cats smell nice when they shed their fur

Cats smell nice when they lay there and purr

Pitt Opens Fashion Department for Students Who Kinda Wanna Do Fashion but Told Their Parents They Were Gonna Get a CS Degree

By Savannah Teman

5 Top UK Fashion Schools for International Students ...

Something many students (about 5) have voiced their frustrations about is the lack of fashion and clothing design related courses at the school. Finally, Pitt has picked up on this cry for change and decided to add more fashion-related courses.

Initially, Pitt only had costume design courses, which usually appealed only to theater students that didn’t know how to act but didn’t want to let go of the only personality trait they had in high school. Recently, the school has opened a class on the history of European fashions, noting that if they want students to learn something, they have to start from the literal beginning. The class focuses on the usage of rags in early cavemen days to cover their privates from wild animals in their sleep. Then in the second section of this class, the focus shifts to corset wearing, and why it should be brought back. One of the main projects of the class is to make students wear corsets for a full two weeks to physically feel the effects of a corset on your vital organs. The third and final section of this class brings the topic to a more modern trend: Crocs, or more so, the attempts to erase Crocs from our culture. In Europe, Crocs are not nearly as popular as in America, but Pitt strongly stands by the belief that Crocs are diseased pieces of rubbish that look like jazzed up tires for your feet.

The next class Pitt hopes to add is a basic class on the techniques of sewing and designing clothing. This class will focus on making Edwardian Era fashion because that is as close to modern times that any Pitt department’s material is allowed to get.

Stay tuned for more information about Pitt’s up and coming fashion department here.

 

A Day in the Life of a Pittiful News Writer: Quarantine edition

By Tyler Sikov

7 AM, the usual morning lineup
Start on the chores and sweep ’til the floor’s all clean
Polish and wax, do laundry and mop and shine up
Sweep again and by then it’s like 7:15

And so I’ll read a book
Or maybe two or three
I’ll add a few new paintings
To my gallery

I’ll play guitar and knit
And cook and basically
Just wonder when will my life begin?

Then, after lunch, it’s puzzles and darts and baking
Paper mache, a bit of ballet and chess
Pottery and ventriloquy, candle making
Then I’ll stretch, maybe sketch, take a climb, sew a dress

And I’ll reread the books
If I have time to spare
I’ll paint the walls some more
I’m sure there’s room somewhere

And then I’ll brush and brush
And brush and brush my hair
Stuck in the same place I’ve always been

And I’ll keep wanderin’ and wanderin’
And wanderin’ and wonderin’
When will my life begin?

And tomorrow night, the lights will appear
Just like they do on my birthday each year
What is it like out there where they glow?
Now that I’m older, mother might just let me go

An Incomplete List of Things to add to your Cereal

By Tyler Sikov and Sonya Acharya

 

  1. Water
  2. Orange juice
  3. Straight vodka
  4. The concept of time
  5. Every banger on the soundtrack of Shrek (2001)
  6. Your dog
  7. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH (a loud scream)
  8. Sap
  9. Pasta water
  10. The Cranberries
  11. A flight of craft beers from your nearest and most hipsterest craft brewery
  12. My dog
  13. Pepsi (Coke is Not OK)
  14. Bone hurting juice
  15. Blood
  16. A quad espresso and a large Red Bull
  17. The bible
  18. Maple syrup
  19. Candy corn
  20. Gasoline
  21. My friend Terri
  22. Almond milk, coconut milk, cashew milk, macadamia milk, and other nut milks
  23. Whole strawberries, like they do on the front of the box
    1. Wait this doesn’t taste good, who thought of this
  24. Barber Shop 2
  25. A collection of small toy soldiers who you are almost certain are planning an uprising against you
  26. Your Mom, cause she’s a snack
  27. A 3-D printed Save symbol, a.k.a. A floppy disc
    1. Wait, do kids still remember those?
      1. No, no they do not.
  28. Little tiny knives, to make breakfast more exciting
  29. A horcrux
  30. Salsa