What the Writers of the Pitiful News did for Mother’s Day

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the MILF Lover Associated Press)

  • Found my dad (He was just in the milk isle and got distracted while getting the milk)
  • A box of chocolates, but all the chocolates are poisoned because love is painful sometimes 
    • “It’s like Mama always used to say. ‘Life is like a box of Chocolates, sometimes you get poisoned’” 
  • Gallons upon gallons of lean 
  • Went out for some bad Italian food 
  • Made a handmade card (glitter bomb)
  • Got her (me) Playboy Carti tickets
  • Proposed to her 
  • A bed
  • Breakfast 
  • Breakfast in bed 
  • Bed in breakfast 
  • A new bed to replace the one we ate for breakfast
  • Eggs 
  • Lizard eggs
  • Wrote her a very special song about how much I need more money to spend on drugs (this is the last time I swear)
  • A framed picture of her divorce papers 
  • Asked her if she thought I was a good person
  • Complained
  • Made a snide remark about the way she dresses (payback)
  • My kids got me a dozen roses
  • A macaroni necklace but I got hungry and ate all the macaroni
  • A macaroni necklace but the noodles were cooked and it got all soggy and gross
  • A macaroni and cheese necklace
    • Made with 100% real string cheese
  • I put together some legos and showed my mom a meme 
  • Sent a few emails
  • Made some babies of my own 
  • Bided my time until the old witch passes and I get my share of the family fortune, mwahaha
  • Another mom
  • Overturned Roe v Wade 
  • Made a mess in her room and yelled at her to clean it up 
  • Stood in front of the tv that she was trying to watch 
  • Leaked a Memo from the Supreme Court 
  • Got a mullet just to spite her 
  • Your Mom
  • My Mom
  • My Sister-Cousin-In-Law-Wife 
  • Helped my cat give birth to a new litter
  • A reminder of how there’s no Child’s day and how completely unfair that is 
  • Gaslit her into thinking Mother’s Day was next week to give me more time to come up with a gift
  • A tattoo that says “I 🧡 mom”
  • A tattoo that says “I fuck goats”
  • A huge, tight hug (she got sleepy during the hug but she’ll wake up later)

Study tips for the overworked, exhausted Pitt student(Updated to contain the insights of King Magma Cum Laude)

By the Overworked Exhausted Writers of the Pitiful News: original article: edits made in bold

Study+tips+for+the+overworked%2C+exhausted+Pitt+student

Toilet Paper Nightly File Image

4-20-2022

It seems that as soon as the academic year starts, we have to say goodbye to it, and these last few weeks of the spring semester are like dragging a half-dead horse to the watering hole. If, like me, you can barely put one step in front of the other, you’re probably finding walking impossible.

I was never much of a studier, if I’m honest. I can’t do long stretches of looking at the decay of the natural world around me. In the college world, we all have to figure out our own method that gets us through the layers of Hell — and I’ve developed a few of my own that I hope work. I don’t know, I’ve never used them.

Instrumental music only

This is a relatively common suggestion for people who like to study with music — and it’s a super lame one. I find, more often than not, if I’m listening to music that consists mostly of vocals I’ll get easily assassinated. Yes, it’s fun to belt out to Gregorian Chants 8D audio, but not when you’ve been working on an article on study tips for three hours and have only written a paragraph.

So, soundtracks. These are my favorite kinds of songs to listen to on the toilet — my Spotify wrapped each year is topped by my local dominatrix — but even if they’re not your usual bread and butter, give it a try for study time. Instrumental soundtracks from big blockbuster movies, like The Human Centipede, Cartoon Running Sounds 10 Hours, Cats Purring, La La Land but it takes place in Nazi Germany, Marry Me (the new Owen Wilson JLO movie), or the Jeopardy Theme on 12x speed, can give you some much-needed inspiration. And if you’re not feeling up to that, you can go a little more vanilla with other genres of porn. There’s a reason parents tune into Mozart and Yo-Yo Ma playing with themselves for their babies — it’s all good for the head(s).

If you don’t know it by midnight, you don’t know it

You all-nighter people might disagree with me, but I’m going to my grave with this one, you know what they say, “early to bed, early to rise, early to grave is what they surmise”. Staying up all night to study for something isn’t going to do you any good. You’ll feel horrible the next day, and it’s detrimental to your thinking — which you definitely need for planning on how to cheat on your exams.

If you’re still studying and you’ve gotten to that midnight mark, it’s probably a better bet just to give up and fail. Night owl or not, it’s finals week — you’re stupid, you’re an idiot, and you don’t deserve a break (KIT KAT). If you don’t know it, you are a failure. It is the end of the world. People have gotten to a lot of cool places in life by winging it, sometimes you need to take that leap, right off a cliff like I will be doing if I get anything less than a 95%. =)

Get your finals done before the due dates

This one is especially pertinent for people without in-person finals, like myself, who are going home before the week of finals officially starts because I’m better than you. You’ve probably heard this lecture from your parents a billion times, but it really is better to wear protection and finish early. This applies to your finals, too. Editor’s note: This is a misconception. I personally get all my best work done right before the due date. If the teachers did not want us to do it so late, they would not plan all the office hours right before it is due.

If you get your finals — the ones you can do early like essays or final projects — done before the due date, you won’t be so stressed trying to scramble everything together the day they’re due. What I try to do is travel to random funerals and collect eulogies, and use them as excuses for missing the deadline. Or, you could write down all the dates your finals are due on a post-it or a piece of paper and plan to have each final finished the day before it’s actually due. Then throw that in the fire, along with all of your hopes and dreams, you are worthless. Oh wow, the fire is getting pretty big. Oh wait, are those the sprinklers? Oh no, someone call the fire department. Here is their direct line: 1.877.527.7454. Then by the time the actual due dates roll around, you have nothing to worry about. Except for that fire.

Reward yourself with a gift

Now, this “gift” can take many forms. My gift is I get to go “home” and as far away from this city as I can for the “summer” once all of my work is done, because I’m a nerd who doesn’t like Pittsburgh for some reason. It doesn’t have to be that, of course. I would discourage you from rewarding yourself with food — don’t use dinner to motivate, because that can cause some “unhealthy” habits, such as eating.

Instead, do other things, such as a $50 online “shopping” spree, after my daddy gives me money. I always like to reward myself with a couple new shirts and shorts for the summertime. Cause I’m a summertime boy. Or maybe a nice axe and a ski mask that you’ve been eyeing. But it doesn’t have to be clothes — it can be literally not clothes. Video games are another good one, if you’re weird and don’t shower. That’s a $60 to $80 sin, and after the semester we’ve all had, one that is truly unforgivable.

Editor’s note #2: Where are you finding these games, every game nowadays is either 99 cents or 400 dollars. Like that new Saints Row game that is so realistic that you actually go to real jail for the crimes you commit in the game. Or the latest update to Minecraft where you can have sex with the dolphins added in the previous patches. Or the new LEGO Star Wars game that is just sexy jar jar binks. Or the new Among Us hate crime DLC. Or Fortnite but you have your parents’ approval and support. Or League of Legends but you can get a girlfriend who does not “go to another school”. Or Call of Duty but now you can feel when someone is tea-bagging you, like all over your face. Or even Tony Hawk Pro Skater but this time he unicycles. 

What the radical left is talking about right now

By Lord Tyler and Evan, current members of the radical left

  • CRT
    • Contagious Rice Thief
    • Crunchy Rectum Therapy
    • Cats Regard Tyler
    • Cunt Rebranding Team
    • Capitalism Ruins Teens
    • Couch Relaxation Technique 
    • Can’t Rush Tequila!
  • BLM
    • Big Long Manhood
    • Barry L. Manilow
    • Buford Loves Margaret
    • Bussin Limbo, Mama
    • Bussin, Limbo Mama
    • Bussin, Limbo, and Mama
  • GOP 
    • Good Ol’ Pussy!
      • They do be putting their whole Conservitussy into things these days
    • Gathering Of Porcupines
    • Grandma Opening, Please
  • GUNS
    • Grandma’s Underwear Needs Sewing
    • Gotta Ucatch Nem’ Sall
    • Gary oak is an Ugly Narcissistic Sellout
  • ACLU
    • American Clitoris Locator Union
    • All Cats Love U
    • American Cat Lovers University
    • Actually Cucking Liberty University
  • DOJ
    • Department of Jingles
    • DOJa Cat
    • Department of Jangles
    • Douchebags of Jesus (Mormons/LDS)
  • CIA
    • Confederate Istates of America
    • Confederates In America
    • Closeted Irish Aristocrats
  • CDC
    • Cock Dong Cock
    • Cock and Doll Corture
    • Craving Dat Cream
  • CBD 
    • Convention on Biological Diversity
    • Cock and Ball Dorture
    • Craving Beautiful Dames
    • Canadian Ball Dockers
  • Fauci
    • Frail Aged Uncle, Circling Inside
    • Flamboyant Americans Usually Create Ideology
    • Fortnite Ambush! Use Crossbow, Idiot!
  • USPS
    • US have long PeniS
    • Uhhhhhh spspspspspspspspspspspsp
      • Here Kitty Kitty
    • Unattractive Serial Pedophile Stalkers
  • RBG
    • Red Breen Glue
    • Real Boss Girl
    • Registered Bloomfield Gentrifier
  • RGB
    • Ruth Gater Binsberg
    • Rebellious Girl Bosses
  • SLAY
    • Sucking Legs All Year
    • Serious Licking Around Yonder
    • Sad Lad, All Yucky
  • ACB
    • All Cats Beautiful 
    • All Cats Baby
    • American Conservative Bitch
    • American Conservative Bible
  • KBJ
    • Kazakhstani Bong Juice
    • Klu Bucks Jan
    • Kite Banjo Jam
    • Knife Battling Joust
    • Krazy Balls, Jim!
  • NAACP
    • National Association for the Advancement of Cucks and Predators 
    • National Association for the Assassination of Californian Policemen
  • NRA
    • National Racist Association (too easy)
    • No Rats Allowed
    • Nato Rascal Alliance 
  • NATO
    • Not Acting, Terribly Oily
    • Neil patrick harris, Anya taylor joy, The rock, and Oprah
    • Nobody Actually Touches Oprah
    • Nice Tits
  • NCAA
    • North Carolina African Americans
    • Netflix Creates Anti-Americanism
  • NFL
    • Non-Functioning Ligaments
    • Nary a Female Lover
    • Non-Fungible Lasagna 
    • “Not Fucking Leaving!” – Jordan Belfort
  • SALTCOCK
    • Sucking Abraham Lincoln’s Tiny Cute Oblong Creamy Kazoo
    • Society for the Advancement of Literary Talent and Creation of Other Captivating Kneejerks 
  • UPMC
    • UP My Crack
    • Un-Popular Minecraft Creator
    • Unidentified Pennsylvanian Metro Comedy
  • PITT
    • People Investing in Trump Tower
    • Pussycats Interested in Technological Terrorism
    • Pittsburgh Ittsburgh Ttsburgh Tsburgh
    • Pittsburgh pIttsburgh piTtsburgh pitTsburgh
    • Persons Identified as Troubled Teens
    • Punks, Idiots, Terrible Thespians
    • Pile of Interesting Thumb Tips
    • Particularly Idiotic Thirsty Therapists
    • PITTiful news

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher to step down in summer 2023 (Updated to contain information we got from Galigator himself)

by the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Galigator Fan Club’s news arm) original article: edits made in bold

Pitt+Chancellor+Patrick+Gallagher+at+the+February+2019+meeting+of+the+Board+of+Trustees.

TPN File Photo

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher trying to hold in a fart (unsuccessfully) at the February 2019 meeting of the Gaggle of Trustees.

APRIL 7, 2022

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher will step down from his position in summer 2023, he announced Thursday morning while wearing 4 trench coats.

The University’s 18th daddy will have served nine years in office and plans to remain at the University as a full-time faculty member in the Dietrich School of Arts and Sciences’ Department of Blasphemy and Astrology. The Board of Trustees is expected to kick off a national search process with the goal of capturing Gallagher before his escape to Mexico.

Gallagher said in a Thursday message to the University community that serving as chancellor is “fucking stressful and unrewarding,” yet also “a very easy way to embezzle university funds, and it can be all-consuming to ignore issues consistently, for a long period of time.”

He acknowledged the announcement could be “welcome” to many, but said the decision was “based.”

“It is important that I cryogenically freeze my body before my energy, commitment, and attention to the work at hand begins — a move that would be detrimental both to me and to the broader University,” Gallagher said. “I am very proud of where Harvard is today and wish I could dean for them instead, so I think the University is well positioned for a new leader to take violent control.”

Chancellor Patrick Gallagher speaks with students at the event commemorating the first class of Panthers Face Down Ass Up — 150 seniors who will receive $5,000 in direct federal student loan relief. (Bader Abdulmajeed | Staff Photographer and Lord Tyler | Lead Purveyor of Fake news)

The last few years of Gallagher’s tenure as chancellor included many complex situations on campus. Graduate students fiercely protested Taco Tuesday, while faculty members overwhelmingly agreed that it made them very gassy during lectures. He has also steered several cars. And a message from the chancellor last Friday claimed that Pitt’s state funding, which provides reduced tuition to in-state students, would be decided in a Squid-Game style tournament, of which he will be participating in.

Gallagher #59 joined Pitt in 2014, succeeding Mark Nordenberg (of Nordy’s Place fame) as chancellor. He previously spent many years in public service, including as director of the National Association of Reading and Diction Research (NARDS). He holds a bachelor’s degree in being weird from Benedictine College in Kansas and a Ph.D. in nerdology from Pitt.

Gallagher’s announcement follows a leadership transition at Penn State, also a Pennsylvania state-related university, which will have a new president beginning next month.

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher walks onto the set of Shark Tank, looking to gain $5,000 for a 20% stake in the University. (TPN File Photo)

The chancellor launched many different initiatives during his tenure, such as the Pitt Success Pell Match program with Provost Ann Cudd, in which the University matched students named Pell with potential mates.

Gallagher also created several long-term programs to build for Pitt’s future. He built a mediocre stool in Pitt’s wood shop, an ambitious program to rehabilitate his knees after standing for too long. The University also gained City approval for a long-term institutional master plan to guide construction for his new Mechsuit over the next few years. The first strategic Plan for Pitt was released in 2016, with a second version published last summer, and with construction projected to continue into the year 2089.

Robin Kear, the Senate Council president, said members of the body “didn’t invite him to the meetingand politely asked him to leave. 

“We are particularly grateful for the chancellor’s commitment to shared governance and we have enjoyed working through issues of importance with him,” Kear said. “We are glad to hear he will be remaining with Pitt and wish him all the best in his new role. We anticipate a smooth transition to new leadership during the next academic year.” Kear said all of this and then briefly excused himself from the room, not realizing he was behind a glass wall he jumped up and down with his arms raised and screamed with delight, he then returned to the room and acted like the previous minute had not happened. 

Student Government Board President Harshitha Ramanan said the board is saddened that Gallagher will leave his role, and said they have “fond memories” of working with him on projects. These projects include: screwing over students through tuition raises, screwing over students with organization name changes, screwing over students by not investigating corruption and sexual assault claims, screwing over everyone with confusing mask and vaccine mandates, and screwing over students by eliminating all of the good classes.

“In my time in SGB, working with the chancellor has been like taking candy from a baby,” Ramanan said. “Although it was a surprise to hear that he plans on stepping down next summer, I am excited for all his future students because I am sure he is going to be a great professor and he definitely has a lot of wisdom to impart on students from all of his experience. You can stop quoting me now. Did that sound believable, I don’t think that man could teach a horse how to walk with 4 horses as his TA’s. Wait why are you still writing this down, no stop, don’t tell anyone how I really feel.

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher, the first guest on the show “Pitt Tonight,” is left hanging for a high five for several hours during the event. (TPN File Photo)

Mary Ellen Callahan, the vice chair of the Board of Trustees exercising the duties of the chair, said she is “grateful” for Gallagher’s leadership running the University.

“Pat has that rare set of skills that enable him to see around the corner while also engaging in the day-to-day activities of running a multibillion-dollar organization like the University of Pittsburgh,” Callahan said. “In this and in many other ways, his tenure as chancellor has been transformational to Pitt. He has been visionary with his plans, pragmatic with his approach, and engaging at every level.

Louis Cestello, the vice chair of the Board of Trustees, said Gallagher’s time as chancellor was “a mistake.”

“I admire him greatly, and I try to emulate his principles of sigma male grindset and survival techniques in my daily life,” Cestello said. “He is one of the leaders of all time.”

Neighboring university administrators also offered Gallagher kind words, including Kathy Humphrey. She served and was a member of his senior leadership team and the secretary to the Board of Trustees. Humphrey, now president of a secret sect of pro-Gallagher loyalists, said Gallagher’s commitment to increasing Pitt’s accessibility and affordability has allowed “countless Pennsylvanians” to Pennsylvanian.

“Pat’s north star has always been that universities should not be ‘ivory towers,’ but really cool treehouses and mom you’re not allowed in the tree house it’s just for us and oh thank you for bringing us pizza rolls ok yes we’ll be inside by 7 thank you mom where students, scholars, business and community members can work together to leverage knowledge for society’s gain. It should be noted that he also hated students and would frequently undercut any attempt they made to advance, most heinously when he killed 37 students execution style in his office for withdrawing from freshman seminar. Some other examples of his feelings are: when he made all students at the homecoming dances dance with balloons to “leave room for Roc”, when he slept with Lonica Mulinsky and then committed perjury when he said “I did not have sex with that woman”, and when he embezzled 75 billion dollars from UPMC to to pay for scale manicures.   It is a vision that he has realized at every turn,” Humphrey said. “His sincere determination to developing a culture of equity, diversity, and inclusion continues to transform Pitt. I cherish his leadership and friendship, and I am honored to have walked beside him.”

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher throws the first pitch at the Pittsburgh Pirates “Idiot Night” in July 2016. (TPN File Photo)

In his community message, Gallagher described his next chapter at Pitt as “like watching a fish flopping around on the Santa Monica sidewalk.” 

“While change can be uncomfortable, we are facing it together — from a position of missionary” Gallagher said. “Meanwhile, 2023 is still a way off, and we have plenty of things to do — together. Wink wink.

I’m a Russian Sleeper Agent 

By Lord Tyler Sikov (Formerly Lord Tyler Sikovitzsky)

I don’t want to sound ungrateful but, I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I mean this is not new, I have been waiting for years and I have not gotten any more instructions. Also, now seems like a bad time to bring it up considering what is going on in the world, but I want to help. I have been a Russian sleeper agent for a long time now and they still have not activated me. Am I doing something wrong? Did they forget about me? President Putin has a lot on his plate right now, why do you think he needs so many increasingly large table. I wish he would send me a snapchat message or even post that he still cares about his sleepers around the world through an Instagram story or live.

I will do anything for Mother Russia. That is why I stormed the capitol last year and replaced all the congress people with Jell-o molds of themselves. That is why I collected boxes of incriminating evidence on Joe Biden in the event that Russian wanted to elect Trump again. I was the one who wrote the joke Seth Myers told at the Correspondence dinner about Trump never getting elected. I even committed voter fraud in 2016 to make sure he got elected.

I am not asking for a promotion or even some recognition. I just want to put it out there that I have been going above and beyond what I have been asked to do, and yeah, maybe I want to be noticed by Daddy Putin. I built and launched Sputnik and Senpai did not even notice me. At that time he was just the head of the KGB but we all knew he was going somewhere. If they refuse to acknowledge or use me the least they can do is pay for all the melatonin I have had to use. Contrary to its name, it is hard to sleep as a sleeper agent.  

Overall, if trying to destroy American democracy multiple times does not get me noticed I don’t know what will. I am taking suggestions.

How the World has changed since the Slap

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Knee Slappers) 

  • I have started slap-boxing in my free time
    • I have lost a bunch of weight and feel much healthier
  • The sun shines brighter than it used to
  • No one has died
    • Like literally no one 
      • We should check on Thanatos and Anubis  
  • My family has gotten better at communication
    • Whenever we feel angry at each other we just slap
  • Rainbows are 14 colors now, and appear twice as often
  • Food tastes better 
  • The Pittiful News is funny (just kidding, we were always funny)
  • My dad came back from the store, despite it being a dad paradise as noted in a previous article 
  • The iPhone 15 was announced, and it will only cost 5 dollars
  • I am still 
    • This is ten percent luck
    • Twenty percent skill
    • Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
  • But now I am 
    • Fifty percent pleasure
    • And fifty percent more pleasure
  • Global warming stopped, and Global Cooling was announced 
  • Babies are smiling again
  • Old people are laughing again
  • I came out of the closet
  • I went back into the closet
  • I came out of the closet
  • I went back into the closet
  • I came out of the closet
  • I have become a lot more indecisive about what I wear, also I’m gay 
  • Pigs can fly 
  • Birds can fly (the flamingo was angry at this previously) 
    • Don’t forget about Penguins  
      • Yeah they can fly now too
  • All crimes can now be excused through the “I was just protecting my family” excuse 
  • The fire in “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel finally got put out
    • Wow we let that burn for a while, wasn’t that silly of us?
  • My wife filed for reverse divorce
    • Do you mean she proposed
      • Nah, I got served  
  • I finally paid off all my credit cards
    • With other credit cards, but it still counts!  
  • Will Smith and Jada Pikket Smith got divorced  
  • The world was reset back to the year of our lord 2012 

Our Favorite Numbers in Pi

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pi-tiful news)

  • The decimal
  • 12
    • In memory of the 12 squirrels that rescued me from a tar pit in Jacksonville, Florida in 2009
  • Oh
  • 4
  • 3
    • The amount of nipples I have
  • 8
    • The amount of divorces I’ve had 
  • 45
    • For the amount of letters in my favorite word, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
  • 1-800-273-8255
    • You know like the logic song, it is so nice that he set that hotline up
  • 4, 2
    •  The second one
  • Tooth hurty
  • e
    • February 71st (April 11th or 12th depending on leap year)
    • Reason 2
  • For
  • 80085
    • hehehehehehehheheheheheheheh
  • 2009
    • See 12
  • The entire works of Shakespeare
  • Schmeventy schmeven
  • Pi
    • Pi is my favorite number in pi because it is all of it, much like how my father has been absent from my home all my life
  • 3
    • 3 is my favorite number in pi because it is the first digit, much like how my father was absent during the first critical years of my life
  • 69
    • Nice 
    • Also, somehow, the age of my father when he returned to my life only to leave me once again
  • Fore
  • √-1
    • As real as my father’s love for me
  • 6875309
  • 678, triple nine, 8212
  • 420
    • Nice
    • Blaze it! 
  •  011235813
    • The fibonacci sequence is a very memorable number, as the day my teacher was teaching us it I accidentally farted in front of my crush, Jenny.
  • 76 
    • The age I lost my virginity
      • To a 14 year old, hot I know ;)
  • 766
    • The number of unread emails my gmail has right now 
  •                      1
  •                   1    1
  •                1    2    1
  •             1    3    3    1
  •          1    4    6    4    1
  •       1    5   10  10    5   1 
  • P3N15
  • 011101110110010101100101011101110110010101100101
    • weewee in binary
  • Your mother’s phone number

Editor’s note: Attention all Fortnite gamers: John Wick is in great danger, and he needs your help to wipe all the squads in the Tilted Towers. But to do This, he needs a gold SCAR, and a couple of Chug Jugs. To help him, all he needs is the digits of Pi that match your credit card number, the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year. But, you gotta be quick so that John Wick can secure the bag and achieve the EPIC… VICTORY… ROYALE

-The Lord

Dead Pitt student sued by port authority after being run over by a bus.

By Tyler Sikov, Senior Bus related “accident” reporter

Breaking News, a Pitt student is being sued by the Port Authority after being run over by a bus. The Port Authority is suing for 12.5 million dollars as that is the damage his limp body caused to their bus. They are continuing with the suit after the death of the student. Jack Flack was crossing the street on a red light and the driver Gary Barry swerved out of his way to make sure he hit Jack. This suit has some precedent in courts as the Port Authority sued another student after Gary Barry ran them over with his bus, they won the 11.3 million plus attorney’s fees and an ice cream cone from that suit. They are projected to win this case as the jury of Jack’s peers are all students that have been killed by Gary Barry in bus related “accidents”. We here at the Pittiful News love to see the justice system working its magic.

Update: After the original posting of this article, students were seen holding “PAT Lives Matter” posters and protesting against Flack’s parents being allowed on campus to collect his floppy body so they could bury him. The Port Authority has shut down all routes into and out of Oakland to show respect for their new disabled coworker. The Port Authority would also like to go on record that they are a minority compared to the humans they assist and thus do not appreciate being oppressed by the families of their current and former defendants. They claim to be just the latest victims of the rampant anti-bus-ism that exists in our world.

Update 2: The Port Authority won the case both because they were “in the right” and “not at fault at all” said judge Ellen Mellon, and because the defendant failed to show up to the trial three months in a row as the judge was kind enough to reschedule the first two times Mr. Flack did not show up. We reached out to Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin for comment as he met Mr. Barry on set of “Home Alone 17: No Break In This Time”, where Culkin Culkin gets hit by a bus on his way to his favorite 90’s grocery store “Milk just 3 Nickels”  and spends the rest of the movie in a full body cast alone at home with many rube goldberg machines set up to help him get through day to day life. Culkin Culkin told us “That was not a part of the movie, he was just there and really hit me with a bus which made me spend 3 months in a full body cast and 2 years in physical therapy to be able to function fully.” He added, “Why else did you think I stopped acting at the pinnacle of my career, I was the most well known child actor in the world.” Culkin Culkin, now a bitter old man, is just jealous of Barry because Barry got paid for one day of work, the same amount Culkin Culkin got paid for Home Alone 13: Friday the 13th, Home Alone 14: Alone for Valentines Day. Home Alone 15: Why did we make this many, and Home Alone 16: Sweet 16, combined. 

Editor’s last words: We here at the Pittiful News love to see the justice system working its magic.

The Future of Presidents’ Day

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Eventually the PiTTTTTTTTTTiful News, the winning wheel of fortune question 4566 ACE (After Common Era))

  • Presidents’ Day is disbanded in 2044 after The Incident
  • Presidents’ Day is reinstated in 2045 following The Incident 2 now on HBO Max
  • Everyone grills kebabs instead of hot dogs
  • Future presidential candidates are only allowed to be born on Presidents’ day
  • It gets hotter
  • I get hotter
  • There is no music played to respect the victims of The Incidents and their families
  • The 84th Amendment requires all American citizens to party rock
  • Rent is even more expensive
  • Prohibition 12 removed, because the sale and usage of guacamole is a god given right 
  • It becomes an anarchist protest day in the streets of Seattle
  • Washington is born again, forcing us to change the holiday
  • President Sarah Yule is confirmed for her 27th consecutive term
  • The 85th Amendment bans the dougie
    • It also bans teaching others how to dougie
  • Pat Sajak still hosts wheel of fortune, selling vowels he does not own to middle age losers across the Multiverses  
  • Presidents’ Day becomes a global holiday after the American Empire destroys all borders
  • All citizens must sacrifice a goat to the ghosts of presidents past
  • The supply chain is still broken
  • No school!
  • New skin colors drop every 10 Presidents’ days 
  • The death penalty is reinstated in 3452 CE2 for those who do not say “big stretch” when a cat stretches  
  • My cyber-father calls me every Presidents’ Day to complain about how Presidents’ Day used to be better
  • Drink even more beer
  • The smoking age is lowered to 12 after President Joe Camel’s first executive order
  • The construction in Hillman is finally finished in 2973 CE
  • Voters are even more suppressed 
  • Election day is still not an intergalactic holiday 
  • All citizens must remember the exact order of all presidents or else they will be sent back to 3rd grade 
  • The red white and blue color scheme is replaced with pink, yellow, and a deep, haunting, bloody maroon.
  • McDonald’s begins selling the Presidential Porridge meal and accompanying toy of your favorite politicians
  • Monotheism is outlawed in favor of the Pittiful Pantheon where everyone worships Lord Tyler, the king of the gods, and his many Godlings  
  • The Eatery serves many of your favorite presidential-themed foods, such as bread, white bread, english muffins, and bread with a single dark raisin
  • Astrology is renounced as a belief system after it is revealed that the stars are flat
  • The current U.S. president has to race all other sitting Congressmen to determine who shall reign
  • It is accidentally renamed Precedents Day, unprecedentedly. 
  • Despite all of the clear warnings in the prophecy Jurassic Park, a dinosaur theme park is opened with real life dinos, this leads to a 5th great ice age as the space ice protectors saved Earth from the dinosaurs before so they will do it again.  
  • The president goes on Insta-Face-Meta-Snap-Disney+ Live to address concerns from their citizens
  • Pyramids begin to show up again all over the world, some from aliens, others built by earthlings  
  • The Council of Presidents decides to eliminate all public transport in 2104 to allow more defense spending
  • Every Presidents’ day, a time portal opens and allows anyone who wishes to travel to any other time until the next Presidents’ day where they get to choose to either stay another year, go back to their time, or pick a new time to live in. There are many Back to the Future paradoxes but no one complains because everyone creates paradoxes every once and a while. 
  • In 43 CE32 humans have developed 2 additional small lungs and are able to breath through their skin underwater, this is because the world is covered by water after the all of the ice ages caused by people bringing back the dinosaurs which then make the space ice protectors cause another mass extinction flooding the planet more
  • Presidents’ day is now daylights savings time part 13 

What We did for Valentine’s Day

By the riders of the Pitiful News

  • Sent 20,000 dms asking if girls were free on February 14th 
  • Fell to my knees in a Walmart
  • Drew myself a nice warm bath and listened to relaxing music. Self love is so important!
  • Wrote down every reason why no one will ever love me, ever
  • Got one day closer to downloading Tinder
  • Called my mom :)
  • Saw some guy fall to his knees in a Walmart
  • Sat on top of the Cathedral aiming a theoretical sniper scope at any couples I saw
  • Watched Love, actually
  • Spent the day doing “he loves me, he loves me not” in the Central park rose garden, by the end of the day they ran out of roses 
  • Watched Tall Girl 2
  • Grew my lust for Oscar the Grouch 
  • Met your mother for a tasteful dinner out on the town
  • Listened to Blonde by Frank Ocean
  • Drank fine wine while admiring the urn of my late ex husband who I killed 
  • Saw this guy who saw this guy fall to his knees in a Walmart
  • Had a lovely meal with a beautiful racoon, she picked the location, we ate out of the dumpster around the back of a whole foods
    • Fancy!! 
  • Queued up my 20,000 “u up?” dms to send out at 1:15 am February 15th 
  • My mommy was my valentine
  • Thought about you ;)
  • Did my annual shave 
  • Joined a convent 
  • Forgot to watch the Olympics, again
  • Spooned with my cat, so just a normal day 
  • Pondered the commodification of love
  • Bought chocolates
  • Hung up my skin after a long day’s work
  • Texted my psychiatrist, left on opened
  • Left the physical realm never to return
    • You went to Ohio, didn’t you?
      • *Ghostly nods* 
  • Bought a wedding ring for attention
  • Got sloshed at Nordy’s place, was banned for life
  • Participated in 3 flash mobs 
  • Prayed to Aphrodite to send me love this year, all i got in return was a quiver of arrows and a small bow 
  • Accidentally ruined a first date by assuming they were brother and sister
  • Stalked people from my high school on Instagram
  • Waited tables at applebees and witnessed 32 proposals
    • So, babes how did it go?
      • All of them said no except this one couple but it was clear that the girl was using him for free healthcare.
  • Skipped any song that mentioned love
  • Considered getting a septum piercing
  • Looked up why it’s called ‘Valentine’s Day.’ Execution is so romantic!
  • Read a few chapters of my book, the end of the book sure has a lot of blank pages, I wonder what that is about. 
  • Wrote a few chapters of my book. I hope nobody looks forward in the book. Most of the pages are blank, I don’t have to write fast, I just have to write faster than he reads. 
  • Began showing symptoms of a mid-life crisis
  • Gave myself a pep talk in the mirror to no avail
  • Distracted myself with Kanye’s instagram
  • Listened to the song Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield (Slow version, Piano Ballad, No autotune) on repeat for 3 hours while cry-eating some cake :( 
  • Made a list of anyone who has ever wronged me. Your time will come.
  • Overslept my first class, out of love
  • Watched The Super bowl reruns, I can’t wait to see what happens to Ron Kostelnik he has a future ahead of him 
  • Lost a game of Go Fish to a very pumped trout, turns out I am a great motivator of fish