What will the Pitiful News be doing after we graduate??

By The Writers of the Pitiful (Formerly the Puntiful news) News

• Your mom, lol
• Drugs
• Party
• Darty 
• Tardy 
• Spending an ungodly amount of time scrolling through Indeed, as if it were social media.
  • And Zillow, the Instagram for adults
• Professional choreographer of TikTok dances
• Unemployed, something which my theater degree has prepared me well for  
• Strupper 
• Scrubber
• Stabber
• Scabber. Scabs
• Slobber
• Scrat
  • The little dude from Ice Age :)
• Watch all of the Ice Age movies back to back
• Hunter-gatherer 
• Peanut
• Lord Tyler Sikov 
• Feudal lord
• Serf
• Nerf
  • Or Nothing
• Making sweaters for cats
• AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
• Member of Parliament 
• Squirrel
• Cannibal
• Cult leader
• Boba tea taster
• Fetish gear tester
• Fetish gear maker
• Talk to my therapist even more, with all this time on my hands
• Pet goldfish
• Twisted fucking cycle path
• Ironically start an OnlyFans, unironically make bank
  • Unironically start an OnlyFans, ironically make bank
• Presidential assassin
• City street whore
• Capitalist tm
• Start trying to brainwash myself into having a Russian accent
• Cross things off my bucket list
  • #1: Get a bucket
• Math textbook writer
• Reinvigorate my love for boy bands by following their solo careers
  • Backstreet Boy
  • A Beatle
  • A Rolling Stone
  • An Eagle
  • One Fifth of a Direction
  • A Second of Summer
  • Boy 1 Man
• Freak show attraction
• Fry grease guzzler
• Try to think
• Timmy Turner: Perpetual Schooler of Undetermined Level
• Leper 
• Hello Kitty’s handler
• Doctor Who
• Get COVID-19, while it lasts 
• Bass Pro Shops customer service associate
• Porn star
• Happy meal toy
• Be racist
• Be racism
• Bee racist
• Beer acist
• Be homophobic
  • – Rainbow Alliance president
• Steal rainbows
• CEO of MyPillow
• Decode the YouTube algorithm
• Glue stick eater
• Your mom, again
• Live, Laugh, and Love

We recently got the covid vaccine, here are some of the side effects we have experienced:

By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups)

• Social isolation as all of my family and friends have gotten Moderna, whereas I have gotten Pfizer
• Inflated bank account
• Inflated ego
• Inflation kink
• Optimism for the future
  • Immediately followed by depressive episode
• Mommy my awm huwts :(
• Phat ass 
• Death
• Became president of a new country
• Got beetlejuiced
• Got stickbugged lol
• Sexy disease. It’s not contagious, don’t worry losers. 
• Sharp decline in IQ, possibly unrelated
• Well I got moderna so that’s more of a body high than pfizer 
• Became a Republican
• I am starting to like Bill Gates now? I just think he’s one of those cool billionaires, you know?
• Developed this little voice in my head telling me to buy a Microsoft Surface™ 
• Grew hooves
• Uncontrollable urge to read Ayn Rand
  • The Fountainhead is a masterpiece, dude
  • Atlas Shrugged is a close second
• I unironically like glee now. 
• Intense succulent craze
• Inability to stop watching the Twilight movies
• Reading backwards
• Redbubble sticker obsession
• Failing my finals
• Choosing chartreuse as my favorite color
• Heat exhaustion from waiting in the sun for 4 hours
• Became left-handed
• Became an android user 
• Turned gay
• Turned straight 
• Turned on
• Turned away. I forgot my insurance card :(
  • I didn’t think you needed an insurance card
  • Wtf they lied to me 
• Became a theater kid
• Got coronavirus, somehow?
• Humanities major disease. Also known as unemployment-itis. 
  • Business major disease. Also known as moral corruption.
• I’m not funny anymore – I’m starting to wonder whether I ever was
• Melted my teeth, and now I chew in liquidity
• A bit tired
• Traded my skull in for a wooden replica, now I have a splinter on my brain
• Learned to play the ocarina. Sadly this is not exactly a marketable skill.
• Frequent nosebleeds
• Constant nosebleeds
• Complete lack of nosebleeds (which is worrying, because I used to get frequent nosebleeds)
  • I also don’t have a nose?
• Became Peanut Butter?
  • Became Jelly?
• Je peux parler seulement le Français
• Unstoppable, uncontrollable urge to throw it back
• Grew another penis
• Wet mouth
  • Damn, without me? 
• Dry mouth
  • Damn, without me?
• My back aches, my bra’s too tight, my hips shake/From left to right 
• Became a SoundCloud Rapper
• Resurrection
  • Resuscitation
  • Rotisserie
  • Robespierre
• Mild Nausea
• Medium Nausea 
• Spicy Nausea
• Sweet Sriracha Nausea
• Severe Nausea 
• Thick and Chunky Nausea

We Don’t Care About the British Royal Family, Here’s What We Did This Week

By 3 out of Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful news)

• Went to the camo store, but couldn’t find anything??
• **~~ uwu made bread~*~*
• I read the entirety of the supernatural fanfiction on wattpad
• Decided on a new club name
• Beat up Tyler
• Mutilated Tyler
• Sacrificed Tyler
• Resurrected Tyler
• Killed Tyler again, but with more gusteau
  • 
• Sent Tyler’s limbs and head to 5 of his close friends and/or relatives
• Learned to read in Times New Roman
• Paint over the “dog person” mug i got from my grandma so it says “cat person”
• Slowly ripped out pages from my textbooks and ate them
• तत्किं करोमि
• Went to the bullet store to get more bullet points for this list
• Asked many dumb questions
  • Despite the fact that I have google
• Had ants on a log
• Had celery with peanut butter and raisins 
• Had celery with Peanut butter and raisins
  • He is fine, just some of his hair
  • It is honestly hard to eat anything without his hair in it
• Tax evasion (see my tax evasion article)
• Steierhannerzéiung
• Had a teenage dream
• Got arrested for said teenage dream
• Informed all of my neighbors that I am a registered sax offender
• Hit my head with a rock until I forget how to play the sax, as I keep offending them
• Went to the bullet store to sell the excess bullet points from this list

Here are a few websites we have stumbled upon recently

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful News)

•  LordTylerSikov.gov
  • Our lord Tyler Sikov must have an online presence. Click the link to worship.
• spitifulnews.com
• spitefulnews.com 
• splitifulnews.com
• theundergroundpitifulnews.com
  • A secret website to rebel against the tyrannical reign of “Lord” Tyler Sikov — run by our rightfully elected leader, the spider.
• the underwearpitifulnews.com
  • theunderwhere?pitifulnews.com
• bees.com
  • reroutes to pitifulnews.wordpress.com
• trees.com
  • reroutes to leaves.com
• spiderfulnews.com
• smellingmarkers.com
• moneybank.cash
• Hot Singles In Your Area!
• http://pitt.edu/~tys24/1/
  • Lord Tyler’s real website
• unlimitedspace.org
  • Free storage for all, just give them your social security number and they will store all your money for you. Not a bank.
• totallyLegitAntiVirisThatWillGiveYouMoreVirises.viris/getFreeVirises
  • corona.viris
• unlimitedspiders.org
  • A place for all of your spider needs
• freerealestate.com
• twitter.com
• ericsocarina.com
  • Click to play!
• urkh.com
  • A website made by cavemen for cavemen
• pornhub.com
  • cornhub.com
• howdoimakeawebsite.jpeg
• onlyfans.gov
• godzillavskongspoilers.net
  • Save yourself the two hours and read this instead
• com.munism 
  • OUR website ☭, com.rade
• inter.net
• :O.net/hacked4Life
  • Not a rickroll
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
  • Not a rickroll
• thepringlefullnews.com
• spider.web
• 52yearoldseatingfettuccinealfredo.com
  • REAL 52 year olds eating fettuccine alfredo RIGHT NOW
• dieInAPit.gov/weHateYou
  • Pwease 

(´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

    uwu

• dieInAPitiful.gov/weLoveYou
  • It is a love hate relationship
• dieInAPitt.gov/weHateYou
  • We love your money
• dieInAPittiful.gov/weHateYou
  • Our website from before the divorce
  • she took the url in the divorce