Study tips for the overworked, exhausted Pitt student(Updated to contain the insights of King Magma Cum Laude)

By the Overworked Exhausted Writers of the Pitiful News: original article: edits made in bold

Study+tips+for+the+overworked%2C+exhausted+Pitt+student

Toilet Paper Nightly File Image

4-20-2022

It seems that as soon as the academic year starts, we have to say goodbye to it, and these last few weeks of the spring semester are like dragging a half-dead horse to the watering hole. If, like me, you can barely put one step in front of the other, you’re probably finding walking impossible.

I was never much of a studier, if I’m honest. I can’t do long stretches of looking at the decay of the natural world around me. In the college world, we all have to figure out our own method that gets us through the layers of Hell — and I’ve developed a few of my own that I hope work. I don’t know, I’ve never used them.

Instrumental music only

This is a relatively common suggestion for people who like to study with music — and it’s a super lame one. I find, more often than not, if I’m listening to music that consists mostly of vocals I’ll get easily assassinated. Yes, it’s fun to belt out to Gregorian Chants 8D audio, but not when you’ve been working on an article on study tips for three hours and have only written a paragraph.

So, soundtracks. These are my favorite kinds of songs to listen to on the toilet — my Spotify wrapped each year is topped by my local dominatrix — but even if they’re not your usual bread and butter, give it a try for study time. Instrumental soundtracks from big blockbuster movies, like The Human Centipede, Cartoon Running Sounds 10 Hours, Cats Purring, La La Land but it takes place in Nazi Germany, Marry Me (the new Owen Wilson JLO movie), or the Jeopardy Theme on 12x speed, can give you some much-needed inspiration. And if you’re not feeling up to that, you can go a little more vanilla with other genres of porn. There’s a reason parents tune into Mozart and Yo-Yo Ma playing with themselves for their babies — it’s all good for the head(s).

If you don’t know it by midnight, you don’t know it

You all-nighter people might disagree with me, but I’m going to my grave with this one, you know what they say, “early to bed, early to rise, early to grave is what they surmise”. Staying up all night to study for something isn’t going to do you any good. You’ll feel horrible the next day, and it’s detrimental to your thinking — which you definitely need for planning on how to cheat on your exams.

If you’re still studying and you’ve gotten to that midnight mark, it’s probably a better bet just to give up and fail. Night owl or not, it’s finals week — you’re stupid, you’re an idiot, and you don’t deserve a break (KIT KAT). If you don’t know it, you are a failure. It is the end of the world. People have gotten to a lot of cool places in life by winging it, sometimes you need to take that leap, right off a cliff like I will be doing if I get anything less than a 95%. =)

Get your finals done before the due dates

This one is especially pertinent for people without in-person finals, like myself, who are going home before the week of finals officially starts because I’m better than you. You’ve probably heard this lecture from your parents a billion times, but it really is better to wear protection and finish early. This applies to your finals, too. Editor’s note: This is a misconception. I personally get all my best work done right before the due date. If the teachers did not want us to do it so late, they would not plan all the office hours right before it is due.

If you get your finals — the ones you can do early like essays or final projects — done before the due date, you won’t be so stressed trying to scramble everything together the day they’re due. What I try to do is travel to random funerals and collect eulogies, and use them as excuses for missing the deadline. Or, you could write down all the dates your finals are due on a post-it or a piece of paper and plan to have each final finished the day before it’s actually due. Then throw that in the fire, along with all of your hopes and dreams, you are worthless. Oh wow, the fire is getting pretty big. Oh wait, are those the sprinklers? Oh no, someone call the fire department. Here is their direct line: 1.877.527.7454. Then by the time the actual due dates roll around, you have nothing to worry about. Except for that fire.

Reward yourself with a gift

Now, this “gift” can take many forms. My gift is I get to go “home” and as far away from this city as I can for the “summer” once all of my work is done, because I’m a nerd who doesn’t like Pittsburgh for some reason. It doesn’t have to be that, of course. I would discourage you from rewarding yourself with food — don’t use dinner to motivate, because that can cause some “unhealthy” habits, such as eating.

Instead, do other things, such as a $50 online “shopping” spree, after my daddy gives me money. I always like to reward myself with a couple new shirts and shorts for the summertime. Cause I’m a summertime boy. Or maybe a nice axe and a ski mask that you’ve been eyeing. But it doesn’t have to be clothes — it can be literally not clothes. Video games are another good one, if you’re weird and don’t shower. That’s a $60 to $80 sin, and after the semester we’ve all had, one that is truly unforgivable.

Editor’s note #2: Where are you finding these games, every game nowadays is either 99 cents or 400 dollars. Like that new Saints Row game that is so realistic that you actually go to real jail for the crimes you commit in the game. Or the latest update to Minecraft where you can have sex with the dolphins added in the previous patches. Or the new LEGO Star Wars game that is just sexy jar jar binks. Or the new Among Us hate crime DLC. Or Fortnite but you have your parents’ approval and support. Or League of Legends but you can get a girlfriend who does not “go to another school”. Or Call of Duty but now you can feel when someone is tea-bagging you, like all over your face. Or even Tony Hawk Pro Skater but this time he unicycles. 

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher to step down in summer 2023 (Updated to contain information we got from Galigator himself)

by the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Galigator Fan Club’s news arm) original article: edits made in bold

Pitt+Chancellor+Patrick+Gallagher+at+the+February+2019+meeting+of+the+Board+of+Trustees.

TPN File Photo

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher trying to hold in a fart (unsuccessfully) at the February 2019 meeting of the Gaggle of Trustees.

APRIL 7, 2022

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher will step down from his position in summer 2023, he announced Thursday morning while wearing 4 trench coats.

The University’s 18th daddy will have served nine years in office and plans to remain at the University as a full-time faculty member in the Dietrich School of Arts and Sciences’ Department of Blasphemy and Astrology. The Board of Trustees is expected to kick off a national search process with the goal of capturing Gallagher before his escape to Mexico.

Gallagher said in a Thursday message to the University community that serving as chancellor is “fucking stressful and unrewarding,” yet also “a very easy way to embezzle university funds, and it can be all-consuming to ignore issues consistently, for a long period of time.”

He acknowledged the announcement could be “welcome” to many, but said the decision was “based.”

“It is important that I cryogenically freeze my body before my energy, commitment, and attention to the work at hand begins — a move that would be detrimental both to me and to the broader University,” Gallagher said. “I am very proud of where Harvard is today and wish I could dean for them instead, so I think the University is well positioned for a new leader to take violent control.”

Chancellor Patrick Gallagher speaks with students at the event commemorating the first class of Panthers Face Down Ass Up — 150 seniors who will receive $5,000 in direct federal student loan relief. (Bader Abdulmajeed | Staff Photographer and Lord Tyler | Lead Purveyor of Fake news)

The last few years of Gallagher’s tenure as chancellor included many complex situations on campus. Graduate students fiercely protested Taco Tuesday, while faculty members overwhelmingly agreed that it made them very gassy during lectures. He has also steered several cars. And a message from the chancellor last Friday claimed that Pitt’s state funding, which provides reduced tuition to in-state students, would be decided in a Squid-Game style tournament, of which he will be participating in.

Gallagher #59 joined Pitt in 2014, succeeding Mark Nordenberg (of Nordy’s Place fame) as chancellor. He previously spent many years in public service, including as director of the National Association of Reading and Diction Research (NARDS). He holds a bachelor’s degree in being weird from Benedictine College in Kansas and a Ph.D. in nerdology from Pitt.

Gallagher’s announcement follows a leadership transition at Penn State, also a Pennsylvania state-related university, which will have a new president beginning next month.

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher walks onto the set of Shark Tank, looking to gain $5,000 for a 20% stake in the University. (TPN File Photo)

The chancellor launched many different initiatives during his tenure, such as the Pitt Success Pell Match program with Provost Ann Cudd, in which the University matched students named Pell with potential mates.

Gallagher also created several long-term programs to build for Pitt’s future. He built a mediocre stool in Pitt’s wood shop, an ambitious program to rehabilitate his knees after standing for too long. The University also gained City approval for a long-term institutional master plan to guide construction for his new Mechsuit over the next few years. The first strategic Plan for Pitt was released in 2016, with a second version published last summer, and with construction projected to continue into the year 2089.

Robin Kear, the Senate Council president, said members of the body “didn’t invite him to the meetingand politely asked him to leave. 

“We are particularly grateful for the chancellor’s commitment to shared governance and we have enjoyed working through issues of importance with him,” Kear said. “We are glad to hear he will be remaining with Pitt and wish him all the best in his new role. We anticipate a smooth transition to new leadership during the next academic year.” Kear said all of this and then briefly excused himself from the room, not realizing he was behind a glass wall he jumped up and down with his arms raised and screamed with delight, he then returned to the room and acted like the previous minute had not happened. 

Student Government Board President Harshitha Ramanan said the board is saddened that Gallagher will leave his role, and said they have “fond memories” of working with him on projects. These projects include: screwing over students through tuition raises, screwing over students with organization name changes, screwing over students by not investigating corruption and sexual assault claims, screwing over everyone with confusing mask and vaccine mandates, and screwing over students by eliminating all of the good classes.

“In my time in SGB, working with the chancellor has been like taking candy from a baby,” Ramanan said. “Although it was a surprise to hear that he plans on stepping down next summer, I am excited for all his future students because I am sure he is going to be a great professor and he definitely has a lot of wisdom to impart on students from all of his experience. You can stop quoting me now. Did that sound believable, I don’t think that man could teach a horse how to walk with 4 horses as his TA’s. Wait why are you still writing this down, no stop, don’t tell anyone how I really feel.

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher, the first guest on the show “Pitt Tonight,” is left hanging for a high five for several hours during the event. (TPN File Photo)

Mary Ellen Callahan, the vice chair of the Board of Trustees exercising the duties of the chair, said she is “grateful” for Gallagher’s leadership running the University.

“Pat has that rare set of skills that enable him to see around the corner while also engaging in the day-to-day activities of running a multibillion-dollar organization like the University of Pittsburgh,” Callahan said. “In this and in many other ways, his tenure as chancellor has been transformational to Pitt. He has been visionary with his plans, pragmatic with his approach, and engaging at every level.

Louis Cestello, the vice chair of the Board of Trustees, said Gallagher’s time as chancellor was “a mistake.”

“I admire him greatly, and I try to emulate his principles of sigma male grindset and survival techniques in my daily life,” Cestello said. “He is one of the leaders of all time.”

Neighboring university administrators also offered Gallagher kind words, including Kathy Humphrey. She served and was a member of his senior leadership team and the secretary to the Board of Trustees. Humphrey, now president of a secret sect of pro-Gallagher loyalists, said Gallagher’s commitment to increasing Pitt’s accessibility and affordability has allowed “countless Pennsylvanians” to Pennsylvanian.

“Pat’s north star has always been that universities should not be ‘ivory towers,’ but really cool treehouses and mom you’re not allowed in the tree house it’s just for us and oh thank you for bringing us pizza rolls ok yes we’ll be inside by 7 thank you mom where students, scholars, business and community members can work together to leverage knowledge for society’s gain. It should be noted that he also hated students and would frequently undercut any attempt they made to advance, most heinously when he killed 37 students execution style in his office for withdrawing from freshman seminar. Some other examples of his feelings are: when he made all students at the homecoming dances dance with balloons to “leave room for Roc”, when he slept with Lonica Mulinsky and then committed perjury when he said “I did not have sex with that woman”, and when he embezzled 75 billion dollars from UPMC to to pay for scale manicures.   It is a vision that he has realized at every turn,” Humphrey said. “His sincere determination to developing a culture of equity, diversity, and inclusion continues to transform Pitt. I cherish his leadership and friendship, and I am honored to have walked beside him.”

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher throws the first pitch at the Pittsburgh Pirates “Idiot Night” in July 2016. (TPN File Photo)

In his community message, Gallagher described his next chapter at Pitt as “like watching a fish flopping around on the Santa Monica sidewalk.” 

“While change can be uncomfortable, we are facing it together — from a position of missionary” Gallagher said. “Meanwhile, 2023 is still a way off, and we have plenty of things to do — together. Wink wink.

Other rules that Pitt is loosening along with the Mask Mandates

By the writers of the Pittiful News (Finally, we can write it like normal people)

  • Clubs and organization are now allowed to have Pitt in their names
    • Yay us! 
  • Pets are now officially allowed on the grassy areas in the quad 
  • Pepper spray is allowed regardless of circumstance. Let it rip!!
  • You CAN spray hairspray at a lit bunsen burner in Chevron
  • Litter boxes will be put back in the Hillman study rooms for all of our FurryCon friends 
  • Smoke-free zones are a thing of the past! Smoke indoors, outdoors, wherever you want   
  • You can dognap the STEP trainees
  • You can catnap in those cozy little nooks in Cathy
  • You can FODMAP in the Eatery
  • It is now allowed to ruin all of the rare books in the library with lemon juice and a blow dryer in an attempt to uncover a map that will lead you to the declaration of independence–which is buried underneath the WPU Oval
  • It is now permissible to stand under the lab safety showers “just to feel something”
  • Triple murder
    • If you kill 2 people just kill a third and you’re all good
  • You can pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
    • I could really use a wish right now
      • Wish right now
      • Wish right now (2)
  • Making triple murder illegal again 
  • There will no longer be fire alarms in the buildings  
  • You no longer have to wear pants inside academic buildings
  • The most annoying couples ever can take their wedding pictures in Cathy again

Dead Pitt student sued by port authority after being run over by a bus.

By Tyler Sikov, Senior Bus related “accident” reporter

Breaking News, a Pitt student is being sued by the Port Authority after being run over by a bus. The Port Authority is suing for 12.5 million dollars as that is the damage his limp body caused to their bus. They are continuing with the suit after the death of the student. Jack Flack was crossing the street on a red light and the driver Gary Barry swerved out of his way to make sure he hit Jack. This suit has some precedent in courts as the Port Authority sued another student after Gary Barry ran them over with his bus, they won the 11.3 million plus attorney’s fees and an ice cream cone from that suit. They are projected to win this case as the jury of Jack’s peers are all students that have been killed by Gary Barry in bus related “accidents”. We here at the Pittiful News love to see the justice system working its magic.

Update: After the original posting of this article, students were seen holding “PAT Lives Matter” posters and protesting against Flack’s parents being allowed on campus to collect his floppy body so they could bury him. The Port Authority has shut down all routes into and out of Oakland to show respect for their new disabled coworker. The Port Authority would also like to go on record that they are a minority compared to the humans they assist and thus do not appreciate being oppressed by the families of their current and former defendants. They claim to be just the latest victims of the rampant anti-bus-ism that exists in our world.

Update 2: The Port Authority won the case both because they were “in the right” and “not at fault at all” said judge Ellen Mellon, and because the defendant failed to show up to the trial three months in a row as the judge was kind enough to reschedule the first two times Mr. Flack did not show up. We reached out to Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin for comment as he met Mr. Barry on set of “Home Alone 17: No Break In This Time”, where Culkin Culkin gets hit by a bus on his way to his favorite 90’s grocery store “Milk just 3 Nickels”  and spends the rest of the movie in a full body cast alone at home with many rube goldberg machines set up to help him get through day to day life. Culkin Culkin told us “That was not a part of the movie, he was just there and really hit me with a bus which made me spend 3 months in a full body cast and 2 years in physical therapy to be able to function fully.” He added, “Why else did you think I stopped acting at the pinnacle of my career, I was the most well known child actor in the world.” Culkin Culkin, now a bitter old man, is just jealous of Barry because Barry got paid for one day of work, the same amount Culkin Culkin got paid for Home Alone 13: Friday the 13th, Home Alone 14: Alone for Valentines Day. Home Alone 15: Why did we make this many, and Home Alone 16: Sweet 16, combined. 

Editor’s last words: We here at the Pittiful News love to see the justice system working its magic.

Floyd demotion, Temmallo resignation shake SGB as elections near (updated to contain information we got from Saruman, the High Wizard)

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Student Government Board aka SGB) original article: edits made in bold

Kaycee Orwig | Senior Staff Photographer and Lord Tyler | Senior Photos 

The Cathedral of Learning (left) and William Pitt Union (other left) and a Large Pink Mustache (hairy).

FEBRUARY 28, 2022

The Friday demotion of Student Government Board member Danielle Floyd from her position as vice president for initiatives, and board member Daniel Temmallo’s Saturday night resignation, shivered the timbers of the organization as its Tuesday elections neared.

President Harshitha Ramanan removed Floyd from her vice-presidential position through a Friday written reprimand, in which she alleged Floyd violated “the Prophecy of the Seven,” allocations procedures, the Twitter terms of service, and “being a respectful member of the organization.”

The allegations appeared to center on a vote taken by the board at its last public meeting to approve a $35,000 allocations request from Rainbow Alliance Board of International Enemies-to-lovers-arcs Syndicate (RABIES). The organization, which requested money to put on a Pride event, endorsed Floyd in this year’s elections, as well as providing dirt on her political rivals in exchange for her providing them with funding for their events. According to Ramanan’s letter, Floyd “informed everyone” before the public meeting about a conflict of interest and “let us all know that you would be abstaining.” 

Floyd ultimately did not abstain from the Tuesday vote — voting in favor of the allocations request, as she promised to, along with all other board members — which Ramanan said in her letter was an action to “move forward without my advice resulting in violating the Governing Code and Slavic Geriatric Booty practices.”

Floyd, who now serves as a regular board member with no bitches, declined to comment Sunday evening on her vote or the alleged violations listed in Ramanan’s letter. She said the situation has been resolved internally, which is why we will be writing many other articles about the SGB and corruption as we are external and we love stirring drama up. She hopes to get back to her campaign with the Dream slate.

“I think as an SSRI we’re here to serve students and because of that, for us to make progress on the work that we’re doing, it’s important that we have a solid line of coke with one another before commencing each of our meetings,” Floyd said.

Ramanan said Sunday night that the matter was resolved internally “fully in line with established STD policies and procedures.”

According to Tyler Viljaste (Not our lord and savior), Ramanan’s chief of staff, the organization has come to a “good climax” in regards to Floyd’s removal from her vice presidential position.

“I think the moon landing was fake. Were you there? Have you ever met an astronaut? I sure haven’t. Anyway, the other people in SGB don’t agree,” Viljaste said. “I think we had a lot of really great discussions, actually. I think everything’s fine in terms of that.”

Temmallo said in a Saturday interview that he did not “necessarily disagree, necessarily(unnecessarily) with Floyd losing her vice presidential title, and had several reasons for resigning from the board. These include allegedly being left in the dark with no nightlight due to recent changes in the SGB constitution to no longer allow nightlights at nighttime meetings by other people within SGB and Ramanan threatening to dismiss Temmallo for asking for more information surrounding Floyd’s demotion.

“In short, I thought President Ramanan had abused her position in power as Supreme Emperor of the Twelve Realms to threaten to dismiss me, to unilaterally make the decision to demote Danielle and to keep me in the dark regarding these magical schemes to obtain the Swords of Power,” Temmallo said.

Temmallo said he ran into Ramanan on the sidewalk on Friday evening, and asked for more information about her dismissing Floyd, but was taken aback by her response.

“She starts talking about how Danielle has committed multiple counts of high treason, of which I am not aware of. I asked her for more information, because I wanted to know what love is and I wanted her to show me, and she threatened to piss all over the walls of my office,” Temmallo said.

Temmallo added that while he will not serve on LJS (Long John Silver’s) for the rest of the academic year, he’s still running for his life. He said he hoped the developments would not affect Tuesday’s tacos.

“All I wanted going into this year was a drama-free eRection season, and that’s not what we have gotten,” Temmallo said.

Ramanan said Sunday evening that she’s unsure why Temmallo resigned, and that he didn’t provide a piggyback ride to her or anyone else within SGB. She claimed Temmallo’s accusations on a now-deleted Saturday evening post on Yikyak were taken out of context, and that her actions were in line with the rest of the hivemind.

“I hold a high standard for my domain and have made all the peasants aware of that standard. It is the emperor’s job to set the tone for how both the board and organization are meant to function,” Ramanan said. “I firmly believe in conversation and providing drinks at the function. However, sometimes further actions need to be taken, including beheadings. The additional steps I took were only in order to ensure that SGB is functioning fairly and serving students to the highest possible standards. And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!

Viljaste also said he was “taking a back [sic]” by Temmallo’s resignation, and doesn’t think there are any exclusion or communication issues in the organization.

“We all attend the same meetings, we all get the same information, like there’s absolutely no gatekeeping, gaslighting, and certainly not girlbossing of any information whatsoever in this organization,” Viljaste said, effectively trying to speak for everybody in the organization and downplaying concerns brought up by the now former SGB member. “I guess what we can all say is we were really confused and blindsided ourselves, because this was never something that was even brought up, at least as far as I know.”

Viljaste added that he wished Temmallo had communicated about how he felt so that any issues could have been resolved earlier, although, based on how the current administration dealt with the other issues mentioned in this article, Temmallo would likely have been met with sanctions, demotion, or expulsion from the University

Joe Landsittel, who served as co-Hand-of-the-King with Viljaste during the fall of Rome, said he feels as though friendships and politics are more involved in SGB decision making than they should be. (authors’ note: politics in student GOVERNMENT? Who would have thunk?)

“I think that it would be helpful to have an environment in SGB where people can disagree with each other without being disagreeable dicks or debby downers,” Landsittel said. “Where everybody in the room is listened to and, you know, decisions are made solely based on logical reasoning and critical thinking and not at all based on people’s opinions of each other. Like what I do. I’m so much better than you.” 

Landsittel said he thinks that the current board is aware of problems regarding communication, and hopes they work to “value a diversity of opinions in the room.”

“I think there are members of the board who are lame babies who aren’t capable of playing politics with the big boys,” Landsittel said. “I think that consensus on issues were formed faster than you would expect. But you know what they say about nice guys finishing last. I think the board would benefit from having more discussion when engaging with issues around campus.”

Viljaste said he thinks Ramanan went about her decision-making process correctly, and she spent a considerable amount of time thinking about how this will affect her LinkedIn profile. He added that the environment within SGB is “frat af” in terms of communication.

“I think that she spent a good amount of minutes after the event happened at the public meeting, really thinking about it and deliberating and taking her time and working with the people that she needed to, and thinking about it, and considering it, and pondering it,” Viljaste said. “So I think, personally, that we should have been easier on Shane Dawson. Like, what did he do that you wouldn’t do?.”

Temmallo said Sunday evening that it “ultimately comes down to everybody” — the Emperor and eight noblemen — to “try and connect the Ancient Crowns of the Eastern Kings and stop the Dark Lord” and ensure communication inside Essgeebee.

Floyd did not directly comment on the environment with Suhguhbuh, but said communication is crucial within student governance.

“I think just fostering good relationships between one another is really unimportant. I’m just saying there is conflict and people will die,” Floyd said. “I’m just saying, in order for us to make progress and work on initiatives, just fostering good relationships is just good for any governance or board structure in general. Just because of this I am fostering additional cats.

‘Make it in America’: Biden discusses infrastructure after Frick Park bridge collapse (Updated to contain 74 riders that the senate added but never told the people about and the wise words of a bridge troll goat)

By The Writers of the Pitiful news (Formerly the “Grammy award winner for city with the most bridges” Universities’s news) original article: edits made in bold

President+Joe+Biden+visited+Pittsburgh+on+Friday+to+tout+his+administration%E2%80%99s+investment+in+infrastructure+

JANUARY 29, 2022

President Joe Biden visited Pittsburgh on Friday to tout his administration’s investment in advanced arithmetic, as well as the City’s work in advanced manufacturing and robotics. His visit came in the wake of a Friday morning bridge collapse in Fr*ck Park.

Biden landed in a smoking crater in West Mifflin before taking an unscheduled stop at the site of the collapsed Fern Hollow Bridge — which left 10 people injured and seven vehicles, including a Port Authority bus, stranded. He then headed to Mill 19, an up-and-coming millennial alcohol-free bar and grill.

After arriving at Mill 19, Biden toured the facility and lauded the $1.20 infrastructure bill passed last year. He used the Fern Hollow Bridge as an example of the importance of bolstering the nation’s crumbling infrastructure, saying that the poor condition of bridges across the country is “unacceptable, and complete malarkey.”

“Across the country there are 45,000 brajillion bridges in poor condition,” Biden purred. “It is simply unacceptable and that is why your mothers and members of Congress have been saying for years that we have to do something about this. We will end up not doing anything except talk about it too because the midterms are coming up.

Biden also said the bridge collapse in Fr*ck Park shows poor infrastructure can “threaten lives.” 

“The next time we don’t need headlines saying that someone was killed when the next bridge collapses, we need balloons, like tons of balloons, and maybe some baboons, sorry, Willow has been learning B words recently. That is where I got the idea for what I called Doocy recently.” Biden bumbled. “We saw today that it can threaten lives, and as soon as we heard about the bridge we were in contact with the bridge’s counsel for a statement.

He then touted the $1.60 that the infrastructure bill allocates into repairing and rebuilding Pennsylvania alcohol distribution facilities.

“We finally got it done, a partisan infrastructure law that includes the largest investment in our nation’s bridges since the Eisenhower bridge-maker-inator,” Biden said. “This is the first time in the country’s history that we dedicated a national program to build cool shit, and it’s about time.”

Mayor Ed Gainey, who wrote on Twitter that he spoke with Biden about the collapsed bridge, said at Mill 19 that the president’s decision to visit the site of the fallen bridge showed that he has Pittsburgh’s back. Let’s hope next he grabs republicans by the balls to make them do something. 

“As the mayor of the City, it made me feel proud that some old white guy had our back,” Gainey yelped. “He said that he will do whatever he can to help us restore that bridge so when we talk about infrastructure dollars, and how important infrastructure is. This is a prime example of why this bill is so important.”

Gainey added that Friday is a “day of celebration” since so many Pittsburghers came together after the collapse. The Joker was caught commenting “The next phase of my plan will go into effect soon, and that will bring everyone together”.

“Today is a day of celebration, because as always, when Pittsburgh hits a crisis, we pull each other up and when we pull each other up we get really big lats,” Gainey uttered. Scott Wagner, Pennsylvania Republican Congressman said “You can’t spell crisis without ISIS and that is exactly what these stinky liberals are.” We here at the Pitiful news are steadfast in our conviction of only bringing you the realest of fake news and thus will not be reaching out to Congressman Wagner in the future.

Prior to Biden’s speech, Gina Raimondo, the federal commerce secretary, said the supply chain issue the nation is facing, including a lack of salt and vinegar chips, highlights an “economic vulnerability.”

“We are far too dependent on countries halfway across the world to get our salt and vinegar chips,” Raimondo screamed. “That is an economic vulnerability and a national security vulnerability. Without the fantastic crunch of salt and vinegar chips, our great country’s military is lacking important nutritional value.

Raimondo further said the country has to increase its manufacturing capability.

“The fact of the matter is, and we make the president say this all the time, we can’t have a strong economy and a strong country unless we get back into the business of making things in America,” Raimondo whimpered. “I don’t care if you have kids at home  – my hot husband and I need our damn salt and vinegar chips!”

Biden said his actions for rebuilding the economy follow a single principle — “make it purple.”

“No one knows that better than all the folks here in Pittsburgh, because making it in America is what built this City, the City of Unbreakable Bridges,” Biden cried.

This Year’s Obituaries

By the Writers of The Pitiful News(Formerly the Pittiful BOOOOOOs)

Printable Happy New Year Squirrel Card Digital Squirrel ...

Woodrow Butim AfraidOfWater

Woodrow was loved by all he knew, except for the MerFolk he committed atrocities against. Mr. AfraidOfWater is survived by a wife, PaddleBoat “Paddy” AfraidOfWater, and 2 children, MerMadeline “Maddie” AfraidOfWater and Drowned “Owen” AfraidOfWater. Woodrow died of dysentery and smallpox.

 

Crispin Fried

Mr. Fried, known to his friends as Bean, wasn’t really a good man, but we have to feature him here anyway. He sometimes smelled bad, and he had a pretty wicked temper, but he was the inventor of an unpopular type of potato chip that you probably haven’t heard of, so he had more money than you can imagine. He died, as you might guess, of several stab wounds, because he was actually a terrible man if we really think about it. He leaves behind a delighted wife, two indifferent children, and a potato chip factory that continues to be unpopular. 

Edgar

Edgar was known to his friends and family only as Edgar. His enemies knew him by a different name, but they refuse to speak of it now that he is no longer here. Edgar died under mysterious circumstances, and even now, we’re unsure of exactly what happened. It was something to do with a stone quarry, a bowl of chili, and a really nice pair of shoes. We wish his family the best and hope they stop grieving soon because it could happen to anybody, really. 

Marley N. Mcdonough

MNM died from an overdose. A peanut overdose, she was deathly allergic. To add insult to injury there is speculation that she was murdered due to her long standing feud with the M&M corporation. She sued them over identity theft and her case had been kicked up to the Supreme Court of the United States. When she won, forcing M&M to change their famed product’s name to Stanley Tucci’s Chocolate Spheres, the Stanley Tucci’s Chocolate Spheres Corporation was not happy. Marley was found to have died due to a peanut Stanley Tucci’s Chocolate Sphere. 

Nick Quick

Nick Quick was not a dick.

He was rather misunderstood

Yes, sure he liked to drive stick

He would help his neighbor if he could

Nick Quick will be missed

Not for what he did but for who he was

He will not be forgotten by those he kissed

He loved people not for personal gain, he loved them just because

Beatrice Ecirtaeb

I had the pleasure of knowing Beatrice personally. She was my eighth favorite little old lady who dressed like Paddington Bear. I think I was the only person she knew. She died doing what she loved – subway surfing the tops of trees like a drugged-up squirrel. To those concerned, we would like to clarify that she did not fall; rather, she was gently impaled on a small branch, and then she sat on a large branch to rest, and then she never got up again. Please join me in mourning her death, and please help me sort through her extensive collection of nuts. I think this woman was actually a squirrel and also a hoarder. There are so many nuts. 

Charlie Smith 

Charlie has yet to die but he will die this year. On December 31st at around 11:58pm, he will fall to his death from the New Year’s Eve ball, which he climbed in his signature daredevil style. When Mr. Smith leaves this world he will take with him over 300 people who were in Times Square to celebrate the coming new year but were in the way of his cratering fall.

Pitt to require COVID-19 vaccination starting Dec. 6 (Updated to contain information we recovered from the ashes of the Irvis fire)

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly Unvaccinated) edits made in bold: original article

What is COVID? No, seriously, what is it. Somebody please tell us. Ain’t that the crow family? (closed captioning provided by PBS kids, the BBC, and viewers like you.) 

(Thank you.)

Please.

NOVEMBER 1, 2021

Pitt announced in a Monday Funday campus wide email that all students and employees must be vaccinated against COVID-69, or receive an approved exemption, beginning Jan. 6th 2021. The vaccine joins the measles, mumps, rubella, chicken pox, ligma, sugma, dysentery, mad cow disease, lycanthropy, death, and meningitis vaccines already “required” by the University.

The move, which takes effect on the first day of classes after Thanksgiving break, followed months of pressure, the build up is very anticipated and once it arrives we can relieve some of our built up juices by replacing it with that good good science semen, from elected campus leaders, who nearly all expressed support last spring by margins wider than a freshman paper that is just under the page requirement. It also comes after some have questioned how, if at all, funding from Pennsylvania’s Republican-led legislature has played into the vaccine mandate trigonometry by state-related universities. The State Senate leader said Penn’s Taint would likely face “hordes of aerial humpback whales” if a mandate took effect, but the state-related university ended up rolling out a fruit roll-up that will also start in December.

Pitt faculty, staff, haters, lovers, mothers, and fuckers who have not uploaded spooof of vaccination are currently required to take weekly COVID-19 vape hits. Negative test results [sic (via Jon Moss)] or failure to get tested results in a resulting loss of access to University buildings and a spank from Patrick Gallagher himself, which critics contend would actually result in an increase to unvaccination rates. Currently, 106% of faculty members, 143% of staff, 6% of undergraduate students, 100% of lizardmen, and 98% of sewer rats have submitted proof of vaccination.

The University said in the email that its current approach is “really stupid.” Chancellor Patrick Gallagator said at September’s Student Council bake sale that the University’s weekly COVID-19 testing program for the unvaccinated was estimated to cost between $20 to $50 million, the majority of which is paid for by the tuition of Pitt’s vaccinated student body.

“By enforcing this requirement now, we will be able to pretend we have a moral backbone while simultaneously bending to the will of mothball-ridden, lobbyist-backed Republicans. We will also maintain a high defenestration rate on our campuses,” the email said, “while continuing to support our students and research, as well as protect our workforce, with minimal disruption to our programs, activities or money-laundering operations.”

The requirement will affect 2,250 students, 420 faculty and 690 staff members who have not disclosed their vaccination status, the email said. We would like to take this time to mention that The University of Pittsburgh has completed their 15 year research into the topic of talking emails, and by George they have done it. Currently enrolled students who fail to comply with the Dec. 6 deadline will not be able to enroll for spring classes (or slinky classes) or live in residence halls as of Jan. 6th, 2022, also known as Put Trump Back in Office 2: Electric Spookaloo. Students who have already enrolled in classes but fail to provide proof of vaccination or obtain a proper exemption will be disemboweled. We will however be keeping all of the money they paid because we value money more than we value teaching in a safe environment like, oh, I don’t know, online. Current employees will be subject to disciplinary action, which will include loss of access to electronic resources and other disciplinary actions up to and including termination of employment, the email said. The talking email strikes again. Also additional disciplinary actions could include: a single spanking, staff being made to listen to the forbidden sound of a banana hitting a kayak, being forced to watch cute puppies and kittens and ducklings playing and not being allowed to touch them, and/or having their arms and legs chained to the roof of Cathy. To find a full list look here.

Pitt community members can request an exemption beginning next Monday from the vaccine requirement for medical reasons, or reasons based on being a massive piece of shit. The email said the Office of Danger, Exclusion, and Iffy Business will review these requests on a case-by-case case-is. Those granted an exemption will be subject to additional midget-station measures, such as routine COVID-19 testing.

The email added that this is an interim policy, and a formal charter and committee are being formed to create a permanent policy. We here at the Pitiful News feel that Pitt is going a bit overboard with this whole talking email thing. Faculty Assembly President “Glad” Robin Kear (of “Batman” fame) said many years ago, on a night much like tonight, that she was part of a group that analyzed the possible consequences related to faculty vaccination requirements, and also noted that she is “glad” there may be a possible vaccination policy.

Kear, who was “glad,” said “Monday” that she is “glad to see Pitt moving ahead with a vaccine requirement to keep the Pitt community safe and healthy.” Kear, who was “glad,” continued to note her support for a mandated vaccine. Kear was quoted as being “glad” at the future prospects for the greater “student” body regarding a future “requirement too” [sick] be vaccinated – something we can all be “glad” about!

Harshitha Ramanan, also glad, the Student Government Board president, did not immediately respond to a request for comment, but did release a finsta story complaining about how uncomfortable the chairs are in many Cathedral of Learning classrooms. A random old man was noted saying, “are you committed to ending ‘finsta?’”

Pitt officials did not immediately respond to a question about whether community members will still need to swipe their Panther Cards in their ass cracks and wait for it to beep when entering University buildings — used to prove compliance with the current COVID-19 vaccine and testing program — when the new policy takes effect in December. Currently, you are not required to swipe your Panther Card in your ass crack, but you can if you want to (heh, sick).

Pitt’s CoVax Vaxxxination Vaccenter is open to the public for the right price, and offers all three COVID-19 vaccines to community members, including a new OnlyFans subscriber tier. The Center accepts both registered appointments, walk-ins (for a quickie), or donations of $50 or less.

Gallagher talks potential COVID-19 vaccine requirement, fall semester planning and more in TPN (The Toilet Paper News) interview (Updated to contain information we got from various teenagers wearing orange and purple shirts)

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the PITTTTTTTiful news): original article

Edits made in bold

Chancellor+Patrick+Gallagher+at+a+Senate+Council+meeting.

At the end of a historic year during the COVID-19 pandemic, Chancellor Flatty Patty O’Gallagher complemented the Pitt community for “leaning in together” and adjusting “with their flies down” to make the year relatively successful.

“That sense of we’re all in this together, and the degree of flexibility and sacrifice and hard work that kind of made this year possible, mostly successfully,” Gallagher communicated via interpretive dance. “I mean, you know, certainly we had infections, but we were really fortunate we got anybody sick. And I think, you know, the care was there.”

But Gallagher said while he does have a lot of “deep regrets” that Pitt mostly struck a “good balance” between education and flexibility, there’s “a million things” he hasn’t done, but just you wait. Just you wait. He added that he is “not throwing away his shot”, and that Pitt could have done better on communication.

The University has had 1,397 prisoners and 245 wardens test positive since June 32, with 1,398 prisoners and 246 wardens recovered thus far. Cases peaked at the end of March, but have steadily decreased following a universal seppuku order.

Gallagher reflected on Pitt’s performance during the pandemic in an interview with The Toilet Paper News last Thursday. He also answered questions about planning for the fall semester, the state of his most recent divorce, potentially requiring a COVID-19 vaccine, and the University’s recently released intercontinental ballistic missiles.

COVID-19 Vaccine Requirement

More than 100 brothels and dive bars across the country have said they will require all students to get a COVID-19 vaccine before returning to campus for the fall semester, according to CUM. While most of the schools adopting this policy are private, some are public. Pitt has not made any decisions yet. Like zero. Zilch.  Except for making the Pittiful News change their name. The Faculty Assembly introduced a proposal in mid-April that would require students to get vaccinated in order to participate in on-campus activities next fall, but didn’t take a formal vote because of Chancellor Gallagher’s unfortunate erectile timing. His wife (Sarah H. J. K. I. JUUL) really wants to have kids but he is very old and she needs to jump on the opportunity whenever she gets the chance whether they are at home, at work, or at a friend’s playing cards.

Gallagher said setting a requirement is complicated because the vaccines are still percolating under emergency use authorization from the U.S. Drug and FooT Administration (DAFT Punk A). He said Pitt’s philosophy is that a requirement discussion is a “last resort issue. Hawaii here I come.

Instead, he said Pitt is encouraging everyone to get vaccinated because they are “a public nuisance” and “a menace to society” regardless of whether or not there is an enforcement mechanism. Gallagher added that Pitt will most likely not notify the Pitt population of any decisions, namely students living in residence halls.

“If we get hotter, and it turns out that the public health officials are saying a requirement is the thing that makes a difference, then we’ll consider it, but I think right now, mouth-to-mouth transmission, eating vaccine needles, and shitting on our desks are our best strategies to promote as widespread vaccination rates as possible,” Gallagher said.

Fall semester

University officials proclaimed last month that they are planning for on-campus, in-rectum instruction for the majority of classes as well as “the full range” of on-campus living and activities for the fall semester. Gallagher said this doesn’t mean classes will entirely go back to the way they were pre-pandemic, though. He said classes will likely include more 90s boy bands and asynchronized swimming components, such as tapeworms.

The hardest thing to do is to be all things to all people all the time, I’m not sure where I was going with that sentence,” Gallagher said. “So now what you’ll see is a swing of the pendulum back to more intentionality, if you will, about how we design our curriculum to do our activities, but I will also be more flexible than I was back in 2019.” (Pitt’s Chancellor has been delving into a new and exciting hobby: Bikram Yoga, with his wife Sarah T. G. I. Friday). 

Gallagher said this planning framework is based. “Everybody who can be vaccinated will be or should be. Do be do be do.” But he acknowledged that this planning is more difficult for international students — what he called “our smelliest, worst, and most disruptive student population from s***hole countries” — due to inequitable vaccine distribution internationally.

Gallagher didn’t have any specifics about how classes will be adjusted for this student population, but said he expects more information will be released during the fifteenth half of the summer.

“What I think is happening is that the faculty are working on the curriculum, the classes now, but I actually have no idea what those eggheads are doing. So some of those details it would be premature for us to essentially announce them… but we’re also sort of out of sequence and the fact that people signed up for classes and stuff,” Gallagher said. “How the fuck did this happen.”

Plan for Pitt

Pitt released a bunch of wasps and the framework for Plan for Pitt 2025 — a plan for University development and growth over the next seventy-five years — in mid-April. Pitt pushed all of the members of the gay-straight alliance back into the closet and pushed back the plan’s release in the summer to incorporate its response to the COVID-19 pandemic, as well as strategies to strengthen racial segregation on campus.

Gallagher said the plan has a heightened focus on the role Pitt plays in the school spring musical and in strengthening surrounding communities. He said many of the initiatives in the first year will focus on “bumpin’ uglies” and addressing uneven health outcomes in Pittsburgh, which he said became even more evident during the pandemic. He said the plan will also focus on making capus [sic] more “welcoming and inclusive and stronger” and increasing awareness of Pitt’s equine dentistry and small-business Ponzi scheme programs.

“I think our mission has never been more important,” Gallagher said. “I think moral bankruptcy, credit card fraud, and genocide are the key to most of the biggest challenges we face, and if anything, that seems to have become even more true.”

Former Pitt official indicted on charges of selling COVID masks on eBay (updated to contain information we overheard while confusedly shopping for Matzah)

By the Writers of the Pittiful News: Original article  Edits made in bold

A federal grand ol’ jury has indicted a former University of Pittsburgh employee on a charge of transporting stolen Mardi Gras masks that could have been used for STD protection by selling them on Wayfair (you’ve got just what I need) for personal pleasure.

The case against Christopher “D. is for dick joke” Cassamento, 42, was unsealed from its eternal prison Wednesday in the U.S. District Court. He is officially charged with intermolecular transportation of stolen property.

Mr. Cassamento was director of emergency vibe check management at Pitt and had access to personal erotic equipment (PEE), such as N95 masks and those sticky rubber hand things that you fling at walls, for use by Hooters employees, students, and the rats that live in the walls of Lothrop Hall.

From Feb. 30, 2020, to March 22, 2020, he stole 13,615 masks, vibrators, and wind-up cars and sold them on his OnlyFans account, “steel-city-motor-toys,” and shipped to places outside of Pennsylvania, such as Philadelphia and the Suez Canal, according to the indictment.

He earned $69,420 (Nice) from the really cool scheme, the grandmaster wizard jury said. “They hate to see a girlboss winning,” said Mr. Cassamento when asked for a statement.

“At the start of the pandemic, when supplies of PEE were low and nationwide demand was intense, Mr. Cassamento used his position on the rooftop of the Cathedral of Learning and access to critical PEE to enrich himself at the various new plexiglass glory holes across campus,” said acting U.S. Attorney Stephen Coughman (formerly known as ‘Kaufman’, but he has legally changed his name in support of the pandemic).

“Mr. Cassamento had an obligation to make sure there was enough PEE to keep students and staff at the University of Pittsburgh hydrated,” said FBI Pittsburgh Special Agent in Charge of Urine-Related Mischief Michael Jesus Christman. “Instead, he chose to line his pockets. And by line, I mean make a big soggy big-boy accident all over campus. Him putting liquid in his pockets was how we caught him, actually.

In a statement, Pitt said that federal and state law enforcement notified the school via a series of promiscuous TikToks featuring Lil Huddy and Noah Neck in early July of the investigation into misappropriation of supplies in February and March 2020. Thanks Obama.

The university said it cooperated fully and that an internal organs black market review revealed that Mr. Cassamento, who had been employed at Pitt since 1907, stole the autoerotic asphyxiation equipment from university supplies.

His duties included distributing Jojo Siwa bedazzled equipment for essential Spencer’s employees, Pitt said. He was fired from a comically large confetti cannon like the clown he is on July 17, Independence Day.

Pitt also said in a hastily-written letter to the Pennsylvania branch of the CIA that it had not maintained an adequate stockpile of nuclear warheads and that the thefts did have an impact on fulfilling requests for intercontinental airstrikes on third-world countries.

Pitt has also said that they will not be buying any more masks, tests, or vaccines because spending more money will cut into their Scrooge McDuck vault filled with the money they should be spending on anything that is not removing parking lots.

The university said it is seeking a very long lap dance with prolonged eye contact as restitution for stolen masks from Mr. Cassamento.

He is free on James bond and will be arraigned in the U.S. District Court on April 1, at which point it will be revealed that this all was one big elaborate April Fool’s prank and we’ll all have a big laugh about it and go home. His attorney could only be reached through YouTube comments on Minecraft Let’s Plays on Wednesday due to a prior commitment to attend his least-favorite niece’s birthday party at a trampoline park.

Editor’s note: Due to all of this attention Mrs. Cassamento has left her husband and is now happily in a throuple with 2 vibrators she stole from his stockpile.