Former Pitt official indicted on charges of selling COVID masks on eBay (updated to contain information we overheard while confusedly shopping for Matzah)

By the Writers of the Pittiful News: Original article  Edits made in bold

A federal grand ol’ jury has indicted a former University of Pittsburgh employee on a charge of transporting stolen Mardi Gras masks that could have been used for STD protection by selling them on Wayfair (you’ve got just what I need) for personal pleasure.

The case against Christopher “D. is for dick joke” Cassamento, 42, was unsealed from its eternal prison Wednesday in the U.S. District Court. He is officially charged with intermolecular transportation of stolen property.

Mr. Cassamento was director of emergency vibe check management at Pitt and had access to personal erotic equipment (PEE), such as N95 masks and those sticky rubber hand things that you fling at walls, for use by Hooters employees, students, and the rats that live in the walls of Lothrop Hall.

From Feb. 30, 2020, to March 22, 2020, he stole 13,615 masks, vibrators, and wind-up cars and sold them on his OnlyFans account, “steel-city-motor-toys,” and shipped to places outside of Pennsylvania, such as Philadelphia and the Suez Canal, according to the indictment.

He earned $69,420 (Nice) from the really cool scheme, the grandmaster wizard jury said. “They hate to see a girlboss winning,” said Mr. Cassamento when asked for a statement.

“At the start of the pandemic, when supplies of PEE were low and nationwide demand was intense, Mr. Cassamento used his position on the rooftop of the Cathedral of Learning and access to critical PEE to enrich himself at the various new plexiglass glory holes across campus,” said acting U.S. Attorney Stephen Coughman (formerly known as ‘Kaufman’, but he has legally changed his name in support of the pandemic).

“Mr. Cassamento had an obligation to make sure there was enough PEE to keep students and staff at the University of Pittsburgh hydrated,” said FBI Pittsburgh Special Agent in Charge of Urine-Related Mischief Michael Jesus Christman. “Instead, he chose to line his pockets. And by line, I mean make a big soggy big-boy accident all over campus. Him putting liquid in his pockets was how we caught him, actually.

In a statement, Pitt said that federal and state law enforcement notified the school via a series of promiscuous TikToks featuring Lil Huddy and Noah Neck in early July of the investigation into misappropriation of supplies in February and March 2020. Thanks Obama.

The university said it cooperated fully and that an internal organs black market review revealed that Mr. Cassamento, who had been employed at Pitt since 1907, stole the autoerotic asphyxiation equipment from university supplies.

His duties included distributing Jojo Siwa bedazzled equipment for essential Spencer’s employees, Pitt said. He was fired from a comically large confetti cannon like the clown he is on July 17, Independence Day.

Pitt also said in a hastily-written letter to the Pennsylvania branch of the CIA that it had not maintained an adequate stockpile of nuclear warheads and that the thefts did have an impact on fulfilling requests for intercontinental airstrikes on third-world countries.

Pitt has also said that they will not be buying any more masks, tests, or vaccines because spending more money will cut into their Scrooge McDuck vault filled with the money they should be spending on anything that is not removing parking lots.

The university said it is seeking a very long lap dance with prolonged eye contact as restitution for stolen masks from Mr. Cassamento.

He is free on James bond and will be arraigned in the U.S. District Court on April 1, at which point it will be revealed that this all was one big elaborate April Fool’s prank and we’ll all have a big laugh about it and go home. His attorney could only be reached through YouTube comments on Minecraft Let’s Plays on Wednesday due to a prior commitment to attend his least-favorite niece’s birthday party at a trampoline park.

Editor’s note: Due to all of this attention Mrs. Cassamento has left her husband and is now happily in a throuple with 2 vibrators she stole from his stockpile. 

Election Scandal in the SGB!

By Eric Brinling

Student Government Board

    The story is developing rapidly. Every hour, more information comes to light. An elimination of political rivals, a coup in the heart of Pitt. A drama fit for the ages. When your grandchildren ask where you were when the Brightside Slate crossed off the Vision Slate, you can tell them you were here: reading Pitt’s most trusted name in news.

    It all began with the Vision Slate handing out innocent little Hershey’s cup holders to freshmen. As everyone knows, freshmen consume 10 times more Hershey’s than the next highest class (which would actually be juniors, at an average of 43 chocolates/day). While the holders were welcome to those who received them, they were quickly met with scrutiny from some on the outside looking in.

    To some, these Hershey’s cup holders resembled shot glasses. If you just heard that, it was a collective gasp. Shot glasses – handed out to freshmen? Truly inconceivable! I would wager they had never even seen a shot glass before, unless they happened to wander into the Pitt Shop on Forbes, where at least they would be charged nine bucks for one. 

    If there is one person who had indeed seen a shot glass before as a freshman, it is Tyler Viljaste, leader of the rival Brightside Slate. Indeed, he had seen so many that he recognized the Hershey’s cup holders immediately, and like any concerned citizen would have done he submitted a complaint against them. By all accounts, Viljaste was himself a drinker and a partier when he was a freshman. Surely his only motivation was to prevent others from ending up like him. It’s horrible what alcohol can do to a young, promising leader in the community. At least Viljaste and the rest of the Brightside Slate are not alone; I’ve heard a similar thing happened to a poor young Vladimir Putin.

    Whatever the results of the election today, I’m sure we can all agree that we are relieved Viljaste’s scheme succeeded. Sources tell me that, if it was to fail, the Brightside Slate was prepared to use nerve agents to ‘take out’ their political rivals in the Vision Slate.