University Store Sells Customized Pitt Condoms

By Dippy Diplodocus
In preparation for the blizzard-like season predicted for the University of Pittsburgh, the University Store has stocked for the always school-spirited Pitt students lip balms, beanies, scarves and jackets all monogrammed with the classy blue and gold Pitt logo. Students no longer had to worry about keeping survivable bodily temperatures and moisturized lips without exuberating their vivacious reverence for their school.

Now, in a celebratory mood for the holiday season, the University Store will be selling Pitt condoms.
“What better way proclaim your school spirit than to integrate it into all your recreational activities, including your less than impressive sex lives?” said Patty Yuen, marketing director for the University Store.
The line of Pitt condoms features a variety of different designs, including a glittery condom and a glow-in-the-dark one.
“I bought the glow-in-the-dark condoms for all my residents,” said Matt Camden, an RA at Nordenberg Hall. “I love this school, and I want to share that love with all my guys, not to mention the bonus of practicing safe sex. Hail to Pitt!”
The most popular seller among the students is the condom designed to represent the Pitt Panther. With authentic fang markings and paws, this one, according to many male students, is empowering for the men.
“Of course, safe sex has always been on our list of concerns here,” said Sal Jones of Student Affairs. “But promoting blind, savage worship for Pitt through the guise of safe sex? That’s just pure genius. Whatever intern came up with that one should be proud.”
According to the sales, the condoms are quite popular among students, and thus, the jump in sales has prompted the University Store to consider selling more Pitt sex merchandise.

“Who knows? In the future, we could be seeing Pitt lubricants, vibrators or dental dams,” said Yuen. “Not many people use dental dams, but if they bleed blue and gold, they’ll sell.”

Government Now Issuing Menstrual Cycles to Girls on 18th Birthday

A new amendment to the Affordable Care Act was passed this week. The government is now regulating menstrual cycles for all women under the ACA, presenting women with their first menstrual cycle on their 18th birthday, the passage into adulthood.
Healthcare industries and parents are excited about this addition as teenage pregnancy rates are going to decrease rapidly, in, that they will be non-existent. Dr. Nancy Pratt, Gynecologist at Magee Women’s Hospital and teen sex counselor, said, “studies are indicating a rapid decrease in teenage pregnancies after the passing of this law. Menstrual cycles normally occur at the age of 13 in American females, withholding this natural occurrence will prevent the fertilization of young women until they are considered adults and reputable human beings, sort of. Unfortunately, this may increase the rates of intercourse among teens and the potential increase of sexually transmitted diseases, but most importantly the law will eliminate shows like Teen Moms.”
Angry mom, Tracey Hittchins, of Cranberry Township vehemently disagrees with the timing of the new law. “Where was Obama a year ago when my slut of a daughter got pregnant at 16? Had he passed this earlier, I wouldn’t have her loser baby daddy living in my basement. Well, at least she is covered for the next year of her life,” said Hittchins.
The running list of positive outcomes from this law includes: elimination of teenage pregnancy, girls skipping school because of “really bad cramps,” irrational PMS symptoms, and the weird awkward puberty stage in middle school. The lives of teenage girls will be much improved.
Despite the positive impacts, many feminists are outraged by yet another effort by the government to control women’s rights and genitalia. There have been many protests outside of the White House with signs that read, “I want my period back!” “I have the right to shed my uterine lining!” “Women’s Rights. Period,” “I bleed on my own terms,” “There will be menstrual blood.”
This addition to the Affordable Care Act will take effect on January 1st 2014. The menstrual cycles of all girls under the age of 18 will cease only to restart on their 18th birthday once more. Happy Birthday and welcome to womanhood.

A Day in the Life of Mica the Cat

The Pittiful News sat down with local pet, Mica the cat, to learn more about the daily life of Oakland pets. Unfortunately we were not able to understand Mica,we only heard, “Mrow! Mew mew mew. Meow. Mew. Mew. Mrow. Mew,” so we worked with Betsy Colton, cat translator.

Mica started with a jump off the couch, a tumble over a toy, and dash into the living room. Betsy noted this as a positive reaction translating to, “Human and I are great friends. We play together and she is a warm surface to lay on.” Human nodded in approval, surprised at Mica’s kind way of words, but nervous to see what her cat really has to say about her.

In a flash, Mica ran back into the kitchen, climbed on the counter and made some friendly growling noises. Human was about to get up and spray her with water, but Betsy held her back so we could listen to what Mica had to say. “Human always sprays me when I get on the counter. It scares me. I don’t know why she does it, I am trying to help her clean up. I don’t like clutter so I knock the things off thecounter to open up space.”

The rest of the evening consisted of many “MEWS!” At one point, Mica climbed into an empty case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and said, “I like when other humans come over. This past Thursday, they took all the circle things out of this box so I could sleep in it. This is my new home, inside Human’s big home.” Human confirmed with us, Mica loves that stinkin’ box.

It seems as though Mica has been misunderstood since her time here at Human’s house. Human complained about Mica tipping her water bowl over but Mica replied, “I am doing it to try to clean the floor. It’s hard to mop up with just my paws, though.” Regardless, Human has changed bowls so this incident can no longer occur.

While sitting and chatting after a great conversation, Human noticed a terrible smell coming from the door. “Dammit, she pooped outside the litter box Mica immediately did a backflip off the couch in what seemed like an outrage, and said, “Stop messing up my compost pile! How else are we going to plant our garden this spring?!”

Household cats have constantly been assumed as “evil” and “adorable furry demons of hell,” but our conversation with Mica has dismissed these assumptions. She has been actively attempting to help her human in menial daily tasks. Betsy picked Mica up before she left to give her a sweet little hug. Mica reacted by touching her little nose to Betsy’s then scratching her face warning her to “never let her guard down.”

Edward Fortyhands Kills Three Pitt Students

Edward Fortyhands has been described by many Pitt students as “cool”, “fun,” and “pretty competitive, but in a good way.” He has helped bring people together, make parties more enjoyable, and even get people drunk, with happiness. This is why it comes as such a shock that this past weekend, Edward Fortyhands killed three students living in McCormick Hall.

“I can’t believe it,” said Jonathon Parsons, sole survivor of Fortyhands’s reign of terror. “Edward Fortyhands always seemed so harmless. I didn’t know Edward Fortyhands could do anything bad besides making people burp.” But Edward Fortyhands isn’t harmless. He committed arson in a Pitt dorm on Saturday and trapped four students inside. Parsons gave us the inside story.

Edward Fortyhands appeared at the small get-together, seemingly just to encourage the friendly bond between the party guests. Sadly, this was not the only binding he’d be doing that night. By the terms of Edward Fortyhands, the guests attached large beer bottles to their hands with duct tape. Ignorant to his actual motives, the guests willingly rendered themselves incapable of any basic hand movements.

They remained in that condition for about 40 minutes until disaster struck. Edward Fortyhands encouraged one of the guests to misuse a toaster and accidentally ignite the contents of the garbage can. The startled partygoer then poured the alcohol attached to his hands into the garbage fire, which only fed and dispersed the flames.

In an attempt to call 911, one victim smashed her phone with her bottle fists and cut her palms with the ensuing broken glass. She wasn’t able to make the call. Another victim attempted to open the door and flee but, without any functions of basic dexterity, was incapable of turning the knob. Jonathan Parsons explained that he was only able to escape by finishing his beers and, thus, successfully completing the savage trial Fortyhands had forced upon him.

No word yet as to Fortyhands’s whereabouts, but an investigation is pending. “The Pittiful News” would like to warn all Pitt students that Edward Fortyhands is much more dangerous than expected. We encourage everyone reading this not to allow him into their parties, places of residence, or lives.

Santa Letter of the Week!

Dear Santa,

It’s Jimmy here, writing my annual letter. I think I’ve been a good boy this year, except for that time I broke mom’s vase and blamed Christy. How are things at the North Pole? I hope you’ve had a good year. Oh wait, JUST KIDDING. I hope your year has been terrible. I hope your beard caught on fire. I hope eating all those cookies finally gave you diabetes. I hope Mrs. Claus didn’t let you touch her all year.  

I hope you get indicted for all that slave labor you exploit. I hope Rudolph gets rabies and bites you in the face. Do you know why, Santa? Because you are TERRIBLE. You are so BAD at your job. Last year I asked for the Lionel Limited Edition Historic Series Transit Train Set and instead you got me the Union Pacific Anniversary Passenger Set. Any idiot with half a brain could have gotten that right. Maybe it’s time for you to retire…to HELL. Eat shit and die, Santa.
But if you do decide to do your job this year, I would like an iPod shuffle so I can listen to the Wiggles soundtrack in the car.


***A BIG THANK YOU goes out to little Jimmy and
his mom for submitting his letter to the Macy’s Santa Drop.
Each week, a letter is picked atrandom and published in the paper. 
Don’t forget to drop off your little tot’s Letter to Santa
for your chance to be published in The Pittiful News!

By Hannah Lynn

U.S. to Invade the United States

U.S. will promptly begin a military intervention in the United States, President and commander-in-chief Barack Obama announced at a press-conference last Monday. Obama was quick to emphasize that it will be “not a war, but a helping hand to a struggling people.”

The intervention, he said, was first suggested by the Association of Bored Machos, or ABM, an organization whose membership has skyrocketed since the withdrawal of troops from the Middle East in the last few years. Representatives from ABM met with President Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry the previous Friday to draw his attention to a country in dire need of America’s unique place in global politics and world history.

“They told me of a country,” said the president, “where one percent of the population owns 34 percent of the country’s wealth and unemployment is strife while the national debt is soaring above ridiculous. They also showed me sad photos and sad videos of the country’s sad and poor people; that reminded me of our divine intervention in the Middle East and of my moral duty.”

President Obama also compared the country’s political climate to that of an absolute monarchy. “The government spies on its people and even international allies and is clearly dysfunctional, as the recent government shutdown over a healthcare bill showed,” the president said. “The country’s prisons have more inmates than the infamous Soviet Gulags did. I believe that it is our sacred duty to help the people in need and give them the gift of democracy and freedom.”

Kerry emphasized the necessity of an immediate intervention. “We fear that a country with such a powerful military and enough nuclear weapons to blow up the entire planet, coupled with a faltering government and embittered populace, is a sure route to instability in the region,” Kerry said. “Therefore our intervention is necessary for everybody’s greater good.”

Kerry also denied the allegations of hiring geologists to determine the exact locations of oil reserves to gobble up. “We already know where they are,” he assured the audience. “Not that it matters.”

William Blot, the president of the ABM, commended the president’s decision. “We don’t have a major enemy to worry about, and we have a nearby nation struggling under oppression,” he said. “To remain inactive would be criminal.”

At the end of the press-conference, Obama also announced an unprecedented move on his part. “Mr. Blot persuaded me to collaborate with Hollywood directors and screenwriters in orchestrating this intervention,” he said. “We always win there.”

Unprocrastination Epidemic Hits Pitt

Students and faculty at Pitt scramble to reestablish order in the wake of the recent unprocrastination epidemic that hit the campus in the past two weeks. This semester, zero students did not procrastinate on studying for their final exams and writing their final papers—a staggering 7,000-percent increase from zero students in the past decade, a statistician said.

The number quickly spread through the media, local and federal officials, and medical experts. The investigations that the news sparked revealed that a similar increase has taken place on virtually all college campuses.

“A 7,000-percent increase cannot be an accident and is far outside the statistical margin of error,” said Margaret Zlotnik, a bespectacled lady in a white lab coat. “This is a full-blown epidemic, and should be treated with the promptness and gravity it deserves.”

Perhaps the most dangerous aspect the epidemic, Zlotnik said, is that students are running the risk of “overworking and actually getting stuff done on time. Fun is an integral part of life, forgoing which leads to grim consequences.”  Cranking papers out the last minute, Zlotnik added, “makes students feel like heroes, thereby boosting their overall self-esteem.”  

White-coated experts are not the only ones to voice their concern over the 7,000-percent increase. A Pitt professor who wished to remain anonymous lamented on the behalf of all college professors that this epidemic will severely reduce the frequency and silliness of stupid mistakes that students makes in their panic-powered final exams and papers. “Then where’s the fun in grading them?” he asked wistfully.

Among the most influential fighters against the epidemic are entertainment such as YouTube, BuzzFeed, Facebook, Tumblr, Netflix, and PornHub, as well as major video game distributors. Along with producers of coffee and energy drinks, these companies receive most of their revenue in early December and late April, and were therefore worried that the epidemic would hurt them. In a nation-wide campaign against unprocrastination called Do It Later, or DIT, the aforementioned companies collaborated with college administrations to set up free 24/7 treatment and prevention centers on more than 509 college campuses. The centers feature multiple TV sets with movies and TV shows always on, computers with super-fast Internet connection and astounding graphics, and stations with free cleaning and home improvement supplies to aid students in their urgent need to fix and clean things in their dorm rooms and apartments.

“We must defeat the epidemic in its infancy,” says the DIT’s mission statement. “Otherwise, the consequences will be devastating, both to us and the students.”

The Buyin’ King

In the past few years, Black Friday sales have escalated from a simple post-Thanksgiving sale, to a violent display of consumerism. Last Friday, the crowds at a local Wal-Mart got out of hand and tragedy struck one family. Mufasa Lyons, 43, was stampeded to death by an overeager crowd rushing to get their hands on the hottest markdowns. He was at the sale with his son, Simba Lyons, who could not be reached for comment as he has disappeared.

Mufasa’s brother, who wishes to remain anonymous and asked that we use the name “Scar” explains that Simba is actually responsible for the death. “If Simba had been paying attention and helped his father get that TV, then I’m sure we wouldn’t be in this mess. Where ever that boy is, he has his father’s blood on his hands,” said Scar.

Sarabi Lyons, Simba’s mother, says that he seems to have run away and left a note behind. “It says ‘I killed dad. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, but I can never come back.’ I can’t believe he would kill his own father,” she said. “How could a child orchestrate a whole stampede anyway? I’m pretty sure they just wanted the PlayStation 4.”

According to Sarabi, ever since her husband was killed, Scar has taken over as the patriarch of the family. “It’s awful,” she says. “He is acting completely the opposite of how Mufasa would act. He’s taken hold of all the Thanksgiving leftovers and is only rationing them out to his favorite nephews. We all deserve cold stuffing for breakfast.” Sarabi also explained that since Scar’s takeover, the lawn have been neglected completely. “We have almost two acres of land and he hasn’t been watering or plowing it or anything,” she said.

When asked to comment on the incident, the nephews whom Sarabi spoke of simply laughed.

Although the current scene is bleak for the Lyon family, Sarabi still has faith that it can be restored to its original glory. “I just hope Simba is out there somewhere and eventually returns, even if it’s not until he’s a grown man,” she said. “One day the fields will be alive with turkey again.”

NSA Agent Hacks into Her Secret Santa’s Cyber Monday Cart, Discovers Disappointing "Silver Spoons" Boxset

It has been another difficult week for the NSA as agents around the department do damage control following a barrage of new internal leaks from former contractor, Edward Snowden. However, in an act of defiance to escape the negative vibes, Special Agent Ruby Smiths took it upon herself to search for some fun Fourth-Amendment-fraud with a dash of yuletide cheer. What she found would surely haunt her for the remaining holiday season.

Special Agent Smiths explained her story, “We here at the NSA know what the holidays are all about. Family gatherings, dark-room interrogations of aunts and uncles with cruel psychological manipulation, food, and – of course – presents! Well, when you’re stuck in the department office, sometimes it’s hard to get in the spirit, so we have a Secret Santa. Every year, I get great presents – an exercise arm band for my iPhone, membership to a ‘Brew of the Month’ club, some confiscated artisan bread from my friend at the TSA. I just wanted to see what I’d get this year. I couldn’t wait! So I boot up the computer, present my national security clearance to bypass Amazon’s user data restrictions, run some keystroke hacks to find out this new agent, Eric Mitchel, has me for Secret Santa. Well, a skim through his Amazon cart plus recent IMDB searches reveals that, apparently, Mitchel thinks it’s okay to just jump up and buy a stranger a DVD-collection of his favorite sitcom. What a jerk.”

Special Agent Smiths elaborated, “I was just expecting a little bit more than this. Was it really worth it to bastardize the Constitution and breach a major corporation’s security just to learn I’m getting 8 DVDs of a sitcom featuring a young Alfonso Ribeiro? I’ve got a lot to think about, here.” Despite momentary hesitation, Smiths eventually came to terms with violating the ideals of representative democracy upon learning Jason Bateman had a small part in seasons one and two.