Pull Off the Perfect Scam on April Fools’ Day!

By Zach Hartman

Start by setting up a false identity as the son of a new car salesman. Use it to trick the hosts of a popular web show into running a sweepstakes, where they’ll give away a new car which your father will provide to the first contestant who answers a riddle correctly. Enter the sweepstakes as your real identity and win, since unbeknownst to them, you set up the whole thing and already know the right answer. The horse’s name was Friday!

Now the hosts of the web show will be forced to buy you a car, since they won’t actually have one because the sweepstakes was fake. The LCC will have to shut down their website for false advertising (which was your real motive all along since they’re your arch-nemeses and it’s been your lifetime dream to get their show off the web ever since the one host rejected you). But! Luckily for them, the web show star’s brother is a fan of Galaxy Wars and happens to have just purchased a Proton Cruiser (which he was disappointed to find is actually a replica). They can solve both of their problems and combine the two stories brilliantly by giving you the Proton Cruiser!

It is technically a “new car” after all, having never been state-registered before, and it’s able to travel under its own power at a speed of 25 miles per hour. And there you go, you’ve successfully scammed some high-schoolers out of a Proton Cruiser replica!

How to Prank Someone

By the writers of the Pittiful News

1. A good first step to any prank is to take a brand new roll of Saran wrap out of the kitchen drawer.
2. Next, you’re going to need to apologize to the roll of Saran wrap for what is about to happen to it. But not too much, because it needs to still be on board.
3. Wash your damn hands before you do anything.
4. Replace the contents of the bottle of dish soap with dishwasher pods. Just stuff whole pods in there.
5. Wrap the bottle with Saran wrap, then slam the roll of Saran wrap hard enough into the trash to make sure  that everyone else in the house knows you’re throwing away the last roll of Saran wrap.
6. You can’t go out to buy more Saran wrap. Your food will rot. You idiot.
7. Dance break! 🕺 (Make sure you’re hydrated during your break.)
   • Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
   • Que tu cuerpo es pa’ darle alegria y cosa buena
   • Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
   • Hey Macarena
8. Open the fridge and locate the last cup of your sister’s favorite yogurt. Eat it.
9. Leave a note inside the yogurt cup that says “Pranked”.
10. Return the yogurt cup to the fridge.
11. Retrieve the Saran wrap roll from the garbage. Apologize to it again.
12. Mentally prepare yourself to prank someone with your Saran wrap.
13. Cut a sizeable amount.
14. You know what to do ;)
15. Dance break part 2: the return of the dance break! 💃 
    • Mamma mia, here I go again
    • My my, how can I resist you?
    • Mamma mia, does it show again
    • My my, just how much I’ve missed you?
16. Post-dance break hydration break
17. You know what you did. :(
18. Giggle break!! 
19. Thank the Saran wrap for its service.
20. Wash your hands with the dish soap.
21. Oops its dishwasher pods! You just pranked YOURSELF. How does that feel? :/

Ways to Profit Off the Funeral You’re Going To

By Tyler Sikov

1. Steal personal items
2. Sell black umbrellas
3. Perform a ventriloquism act with the deceased for tips
4. Sell balloons
5. Steal $600 worth of caviar (and then you’ll have to play live music to pay it off)
6. Take bets on who will die next
7. Play the organ for tips
8. Kill someone else to ensure repeat profits

Things That’ll Put the ‘Fun’ in Funeral!

By Tyler Sikov

1. Bringing milk
2. Ventriloquism with the deceased
3. Stealing personal items
4. Selling black umbrellas
5. Making bets on who will die next
6. Hiring a lookalike to be in the coffin, and then having them jump out while the real body is wearing a big hat in the back row so no one expects a thing
7. Joke routines
8. Directing people to the wrong grave and pushing someone in
9. Applying makeup to the body
10. Playing the organ but claiming to only know how to play trap and pop music (especially ‘Play Good Music At My Funeral’ by iamnotshane)
11. Killing someone else
12. Balloons
13. Eat all the hors d’oeuvres

I Bought My Nintendo Switch in 2018 so I Could Play the March 2020 Animal Crossing

By Savannah Teman

It’s been 8 years. I have waited a little under 8 years for this game to be released. It was almost long enough for me to forget the game even existed. Yet I held out for this game. I bought my Nintendo Switch™ in 2018 solely to play the Animal Crossing that came out in March 2020, and these are the reasons why:

1. Animals that cost 60 dollars
2. Companionship that costs 60 dollars
3. A vacation that costs 60 dollars
4. The ability to put cute cases with Animal Crossing designs on my Switch
5. The fact that if I wanted to make a bunch of dumb little people fight against each other I can just swat villagers with my butterfly net
6. You don’t HAVE to talk to the people in your town
7. Any mini game you can play on your Switch you can play on Animal Crossing:
   1. Hide and go seek
   2. Fishing tournaments
   3. Gardening
8. Also essentially any hobby you could have in real life you can have in Animal Crossing

Alternative Uses For Your Cat

By Tyler Sikov

Do you feel like your cat is not contributing enough to the household? Well, here are some ways to make them earn their keep:

1. Letter opener – they have sharp claws, might as well use them
2. Loofah – watch out for the prickly points
3. Towel – it is recommended that you not use the same cat as your cat-loofah
4. Pedicures – their tongues make great exfoliants
5. Masseuse – they will kneed you into oblivion
6. Pillow – they are just so soft and will lull you to sleep with their purring
7. Portable heater – they generate their own heat and are great at sharing it, this can help reduce your heat bill
8. Therapist – you can talk to them for hours and they will listen, they have big ears to prove they are good listeners
9. Instagram Model – Step 1: take pictures of your cat, Step 2: post them online, Step 3: profit

Borat: An Honest Review

By Abby Stoudt

I have never seen Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, but I do have a lot of opinions about it. 99% of my knowledge about the movie’s plot is non-existent the other 1% comes from knowing two words from the entire movie. I literally have no idea about what this movie could be about

Actually, I know so little about the movie that I don’t even know what Borat looks like. In my head he looks like Mr. Bean but he also has a mustache. I don’t want to know what he actually looks like because that would ruin the magic of never seeing the movie. I think that I could possibly go the rest of my life without seeing Borat, and I’d probably be okay with that. 

That plot twist that happened an hour and 12 minutes in completely blew my mind! I couldn’t believe what I was watching! (I am completely assuming that there was a plot twist because of course, I have never actually seen Borat.)

Personally, I think that my favorite part of Borat was when he said “my wife” in a funny accent. I thought it was hilarious. I still laugh about it to this day whenever I think about it too hard. I would also like to be super honest here and say that I actually haven’t heard the guy from Borat say “my wife,” but I have heard a lot of people do impressions of that line and I always think it’s pretty funny. Well, I get the reference at least. I don’t think that I have ever laughed when I’ve heard someone do a Borat impression.

I don’t know how long Borat is, but I don’t know how I would be able to watch it. However long it takes before he actually says “my wife” would be agonizing. I feel like I would be on the edge of my seat waiting for the pinnacle line. Whatever happens after that would be disappointing because it would be after the movie’s peak. 

Overall, I think Borat was a pretty good movie. You should watch it if you ever get the chance. I know I won’t! 

Official rating – 5 out of 5 stars 

 

The Raddest New Hobbies You Should Try This Week

By – Sonya Acharya, Tyler Sikov, Abby Stoudt, and Savannah Teman

1. Play the guitar 
2. Read self insert One Direction fanfiction (reader × all members) 
3. Watch The Great British Bake-Off and try not to cry this time 
4. Kiss the homies in your close friend circle goodnight 

5. Learn to juggle 

6. Meet juggalos… no, gigolos 

7. Realize you can’t leave the house to meet gigolos 

8. Resize your fucking fonts 
9. Light fires :) 
10. Learn Morse code to communicate with the neighbors 
11. Try not to confuse jacuzzi and yakuza, (you’d be in hot water with the Japanese mafia) 
12. Stress-bake bread and perfect your sourdough until it’s maybe near good enough for Paul Hollywood to possibly shake your hand (just not right now) 
13. Kick the party rockers out of your house tonight, no matter how small the group 
14. Wash! Your hands! Correctly! 
15. Watch your friends play Animal Crossing from your Switch™ friend’s list 
16. Realize that the two bros in the hot tub were five feet apart not cuz they were not gay, but because they were practicing social distancing 
17. Organize your collection of toilet paper 
18. Pretend to try to make a Roots bowl in your house because you miss Pitt :( 
19. Not the 20th thing
20. Cut your own bangs

I met Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys in a back alley.

By Eric Brinling

As I was walking down the street one day, I heard the unmistakable sound of several men singing harmonically in a sort of surf rock style. I did not know the song, as I am no huge Beach Boys fan, but I could easily identify the band from their distinct sound. I only wondered what they were doing in the middle of Oakland on a Tuesday night.

I followed the music, and came upon a dark back alley. Then the music stopped. It had been coming from a radio, leaned upon by a 77-year old man named Brian Wilson (of Beach Boys fame). I could not identify him immediately, as, after all, I am no huge Beach Boys fan, and it was also pretty dark, but I soon recognized him from his celebrated 1988 appearance in ABC’s Full House, in the episode when Danny and Jesse get in a fight over who gets to go see the Beach Boys in concert with DJ but eventually it works itself out because for some reason they all get to go up on stage and sing with them, despite being untrained musicians (with the exception of Jesse, who certainly deserved the spot on that
stage).

Anyway, here I was, walking down a dark alley with Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys standing before me. I asked him what he was doing here, in the middle of Oakland.

“God Only Knows,” he answered me, looking pensively off into the dark brick wall to his right. “Gettin’ Hungry,” he said, more to himself than to me. He took something out of his pocket, which I couldn’t make out in the darkness. He took a crisp bite out of it.

“What are you eating?” I asked.

“Vegetables,” he answered, and took another bite. I didn’t bother to ask him for specifics. I felt comfortable assuming it was a carrot. “Take a Load Off Your Feet,” he said to me, motioning towards a chair near to him.

I sat, and asked him how long he would be in the area.

“Here Today,” he said simply. Does that mean he would be gone tomorrow? Being no huge Beach Boys fan, I did not know.

He held out a vegetable of some kind to me, which again I could not see because of the dark. I took it and took a large bite out of it. “Is this a carrot?” I asked him, as I could not tell.

“Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” he said.

“So… it’s not a carrot?”

“Caroline, No,” he told me, shaking his head as if I were his student who had just answered a simple question incorrectly. Also, my name is not Caroline.

“What is it, then?”

“I Know There’s an Answer,” he told me, which did not help, because I also knew that there was an answer, he just wasn’t telling me. I remained silent for some time, and eventually he said, “Let’s Go
Away for Awhile.”

“What?” I asked him, “Where would we go? And why?”

“Salt Lake City,” he said, answering but one of my questions.

“I’m not going to Salt Lake City with you, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys,” I told him, and I got up to leave.

Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys sighed, and said, “I Should Have Known Better.”

As I left Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys’ alley, I thought to myself, “Wasn’t that a Beatles song?” Being no huge Beach Boys fan, I did not realize that the Beach Boys covered that particular song in their 1965 album The Beach Boys’ Party.

I passed by that same alley later that week. Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys was no longer there. Some say he’s still out there, offering college-aged men strange vegetables and a trip to Salt Lake City.

Editor’s note regarding COVID-19

By Sonya Acharya

I know we’re all cooped up inside, being sad and stuff. But I have news for yinz! It’s something to make you less sad! It works at any time, but I thought I’d share it so people can be less sad during these trying times.

My *hot* tip is this: Light Fires To Feel Joy. Yes, I know that’s a Pitch Perfect reference. No, I’m not going to take it back. I did it on purpose, and I also meant it.

You wake up. You feel sad, probably. Think of flames, warming you up and filling you with warmth. You have to set something on fire. That will make you feel better. You’re going to need a steady source of fire like a candle or a blowtorch or the stove if you’re not a coward. (I’m not a coward.) What? A lighter? You’ll have to speak to my legal counsel about that one.

Step 1 – Find steady flame.

Now, you’re going to need a goal. Not a life goal, that’s pointless. (In this situation at least. Please don’t actually give up on your life goals.) You’re going to need a pyrological goal. Find something that you wish to set on fire. No, not bridges, I do not recommend burning bridges to feel joy. Unless they’re really mean, then maybe. You could burn an entire box of pencils, because you won’t be needing them anymore. What’ll you do, take notes while watching lectures in bed? Ok, maybe you’ll do that a little bit, so keep one pencil aside and burn the rest of the entire box. Or you can do what I did and just try to burn a 3-wick Cedar Firewood candle that has a lid and everything. Start small but be fancy.

Step 2 – Find something to burn.

Next you’re going to execute your goal. The specific steps and rules to follow for this will really depend on what your goal is, so I’ll just tell you how I executed mine. I needed a way to transfer fire from source (stove) to goal (candle). I used a combination of junk mail and borrowed spaghetti. The junk mail was from a credit card company that’s not mine but that wants to be mine, and the borrowed spaghetti was three of my roommate’s noodles, from the box on the counter. I couldn’t use my own because I don’t have spaghetti and I knew one day I’d look at my empty bowl and wish I had just three more noodles. But my roommate’s spaghetti was a different story, and I knew she’d understand when she saw how happy I was.

Step 3 (optional) – Find kindling.

I used strips of junk mail to try and light the three wicks. As I held bits of burning paper, with flames, I realized I’d never felt more alive. I also realized that the burning paper smelled a lot like plastic and fireworks and I decided it probably wasn’t safe. That’s when I switched to borrowed spaghetti. This wasn’t as fun because the flames spent a long time being further away from my hand so I felt less alive. But I managed to light the wicks of the candle, which made me feel more alive, so I guess my overall feeling of aliveness by the end of it was elevated. Lighting fires DID make me feel joy!!

Step 4 – Execute goal.

I know that there is still one burning question. What if you light your house on fire? Well, I’m not worried. We all have working smoke detectors, right? I know I do, because the third time I met my landlord, he was flipping his shit while putting new batteries into my smoke detector because apparently he had someone die in a housefire. If you don’t have a working smoke detector and you’re still worried, move to a location on the same street as a fire department. That way, when you light your house on fire, they can see the flames shooting out of the roof before you even have to call them, and they can come to put out the fire and find you roasting marshmallows on your size XL campfire, singing “On Top of Spaghetti”. I know that’s oddly specific, but trust me, everyone’s been there.

TL;DR – In the short term as well as in the long term, lighting things on fire will make you feel better and also make you feel warm inside and out. I know things may seem pretty bleak right now, but I believe that we can get through this dark, sad, difficult time together.