“The” “Pitiful ‘News’” “births” “unique” and “eccentric” cult, I mean– religious “community” ‘for’ “Pitt” “comedians”

Photo Credits: Satan’s Sidepiece

“Σεπτεμβερ” 22, 2022

The Pitiful News members levitate, raising chalices of blood, chortling, guffawing, busting guts, and kikiing with their friends. It’s dark outside, and no one is going anywhere. Ever. The door is locked. Everyone is looking for a way out, feigning interest in the Pitiful News overlords, terrified to contribute to a shared Google document for the cult’s first meeting of the semester. They know that whatever words uttered in this room might be their last. The only bit of hope they can cling to is the guest appearance from the Emmy Award Winning fly™. 

The third floor of the Cathedral of Learning, where the Pitiful News hosts its meetings, was ominously lit by candlelight. They were not practicing safe fire practices. The stairwell smelt of burnt hair and a decaying Roc fursuit was found in the corner of what remained of room 349. The walls began to bleed as the meeting began with an inhuman chanting, followed by several hours of compulsory silence. The EYES of Dr. TJ Eckleberg on the wall searched for those who were truly dedicated to the art of satire, finally closing when all those who were unworthy were raptured.

“I’ve never been more scared in my life,” said a new member, who requested to remain anonymous out of fear. “I was looking for the a cappella club, but someone grabbed me and pulled me into the room. It was the most scared I’d ever been. I shuddered as the door shut behind me and the EYES rose upon the classroom’s only chalkboard. Do not come to this club, lest you be consumed by Hellfire in Satan’s Pitt. I was forced to come up with that as a so-called ‘satirical tweet,’ but please, for the love of god get me out. This is a cry for help. THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP!” Despite not planning on returning for any more meetings, this anonymous student has already listed ‘Senior Satire Writer’ on their resume.

Some members felt terror in different ways: “When I told a joke the room went completely silent. The EYES stared at me for a long time. They looked into my soul and found my ‘Was it so funny you forgot to laugh’ quip wanting. YOUR BLOOD IS NOT EVEN WORTHY OF SACRIFICE. They locked the door. I want to get back in,” said a student found crying next to room 349.

One student shuffles nervously when asked about the proceedings of the meeting, “They cut my neck and asked for a blood sacrifice, holding my head over a gilded chalice. Then everyone took a sip. It reminded me of my First Communion.” When asked, an attendee commented on the taste, saying the blood was “lacking in iron.” There will be an “official” tutorial on how to properly swirl the chalice by a wine steward following the next meeting. 

Another student was more positive about their experiences when interviewed. “Oh yeah, I’ve been in a number of cults. I’ve made more money leading, but I’ve always had more fun following. I think we really get too much of a bad rep. When it comes down to it, what is a cult but a close-knit community?” When asked about rumors of blood sacrifices conducted by the club, the student refused to comment further.

The “president” of the “club”, “Evan Rafferty”, took a different track, choosing to affirm all of these alleged practices. “Pitt administration will probably do nothing”, he added, gleefully.

Ben Adams, the “vice president” of the “Pitiful News”, began to reference obscure chess matches that the rest of the members rejected from the discourse. He remained silent for the rest of the meeting.

Ella Mizera, the “business” manager, was alleged to have ascended during the initial meeting and was never seen again. Mizera remains unavailable for comment.

Another student was quite surprised to find out that the club was satirical and did not actually document real-world events. “My world was shattered”, the student stammered. “Were the South-O slip and slides ever real?” The student was also devastated to hear that the movement to repeal the Third Amendment was also a farce. “All I’m saying is he made some good arguments!”

The new members’ EYES were glued open, Clockwork Orange style, as they were forced to watch pornography as a group. They were practicing their “edging” skills, as said by a “club” “representative”. The head of adult material, Dexter Grafenburg, said that “the viewing of pornography is essential for the development of new satirical material.” Patrick Gallagher also made a surprise appearance, but quickly left after a FaceTime call request from his wife.

Also present was a CW Network representative who was looking for inspiration for the impending renewal of “(s)hit” show Riverdale. The representative was not allowed to make a statement due to the signing of a nondisclosure agreement, but we can only assume the ominous atmosphere surrounding the club will be essential to the Jughead-Betty-Archie love triangle in Season 5(?). 

Resident priest John Smithsonian attempted a quick exorcism and consecration session but to no avail. “That club is messed up,” Smithsonian stated. “I don’t get paid enough for this.” Pitiful News presidents attempted to convert Smithsonian to the demonic faith. After throwing a bit of holy water, Smithsonian fled the meeting. “Coward? Me? Would a coward be named John Smithsonian? I don’t think so,” Smithsonian exclaimed in his final statements to us.

Bafflingly, we’ve received more testimonials about the club than actual people who went. The only members we know were actually there were the ones in the photo (see above). If you find anyone who actually went to this club, please contact Pitt News staff immediately. Five dining dollars will be given.

After this series of events, this club is now contained by the SCP Foundation. All of the “members’ ” “bodies” and “records” of this “club” have been burned as a containment measure.

Dr. Oz Explains When Incest Is ‘Not A Big Problem’ In Resurfaced Audio–And Fetterman’s Response Is All Of Us (updated to contain information I got by living in PA for over 20 years)

By Lord Tyler Sikov: original article: edits made in bold

New Jersey Republican millionaire and Pennsylvania Senate candidate Mehmet Oz is facing significant criticism after comments he made resurfaced. In 2014 he appeared to give the green light to incestuous relationships. This is not the first time he discussed incest in a positive light. He did a segment on what your poop says about how far on a family tree you have to look to find your soulmate. 

During an interview with morning radio show The Breakfast Club in February 2014, not to be confused with the “The Breakfast Bunch” episode of Nickelodeon’s hit tv show Victorious which also came out in 2014, Oz was asked to weigh in on a question sent in by a listener about someone struggling with an incestuous relationship.

At the time, host Angela Yee asked Oz the following question:

“I’m going to ask you this, because you are friends with the foremost expert in incest Rudi Gulianni, and you tell me if this is safe for this person, okay?”

“Well, he said, ‘Yee, I can’t stop smashing my cousin.’ That means sleeping with.”

“‘We hooked up at a young age and now in our 20s, she still wants it. No matter how much I want to stop, I always give it to her. Help me.’ 

A week later we got an update to this question saying ‘My mom heard this on the radio the first time you answered it and now she has started joining in, but I am even more conflicted because these have been my first threesomes and because I have always been a mama’s boy”

What advice would you give that person?”

Rather than point this individual toward counseling services, Oz shocked listeners when he downplayed the situation and took the conversation in an entirely different direction, saying:

“If you’re more than a first cousin away, it’s not a big problem. Any closer related to you and it is much more of a case by case basis. How hot are they, because that has to play a part in it. How likely are you to get caught? Are they normal or nuts? Is the age difference enticing? How often is this happening? And what is their playlist like, because if it contains CBAT by Hudson Mohawke, run! The answers to each of these questions greatly change my recommendations of what to do.” …

“Every family has genetic strengths and weaknesses.”

“And so the reason we naturally crave people who are not so like us is because you just mix the gene pool up a little bit so that if I had one gene for, let’s say, hemophilia, which is a classic example where you must consume blood to survive, I don’t want to marry a cousin who has the same hemophilia gene, because the chance of our child having both those genes is much higher. Back in the Dark ages, people would reproduce with their family members quite often and that only ever angered the townspeople and, as any doctor knows, hemophiliacs hate the sight of fire and pitchforks.

“You know, that’s why children, girls don’t like their fathers’ smell. Their pheromones will actually repel their daughters because they’re not supposed to be together.”

“My daughters hate my natural smell. That is why I wear cologne all the time, it makes them struggle less when we, to borrow a phase, be smashing

Oz’s remarks resurfaced following reporting by Jezebel‘s Caitlin Cruz, who noted that considering Oz “has already been saying too much as a candidate, you know the things coming out of his mouth must have been pretty bad before.”

Indeed, these remarks soon caught the attention of John Fetterman, Oz’s Democratic opponent, who said they represented “Yet another issue where Oz and I disagree.”

Social media users were quick to echo Fetterman’s sentiments and offered their own criticisms of Oz.

Oz has attracted significant scorn on social media in recent months, particularly for running in Pennsylvania’s Senate race despite living in New Jersey. He would have gotten away with convincing people that he lives in PA if it weren’t for those meddling kids at the Jersey Shore show having footage of Oz as his recurring character “The Situation”.

Fetterman, who suffered a near-fatal stroke in May, has generated support in his time off the campaign trail by launching social media campaigns that have emphasized Oz’s ties to New Jersey and minimal ties to Pennsylvania. One of his best bits is going to every rest stop in PA and tweeting pictures of himself in front of the map of PA at each one with a cardboard Oz head on a stick(aka Flat Mehmet), so Oz could “Finally visit some places in PA”.

Last month, Oz was widely roasted on social media after his past tweets about “poop” resurfaced. These tweets were unrelated to incest but it is still strange that this Mehmet guy talks about poop so much.

Oz, who made millions and became a household name as the titular “Dr. Oz” on a show that garnered heavy criticism due to his promotion of pseudoscience, including on the topics of alternative medicine, faith healing and various paranormal beliefs, wrote several tweets about bowel movements in over a decade of being a regular Twitter user.

Editor’s note: This article is sponsored by POOP (Please Oppose Oz Pennsylvania)