By the Writers of the Pittiful News: Original article Edits made in bold
A federal grand ol’ jury has indicted a former University of Pittsburgh employee on a charge of transporting stolen Mardi Gras masks that could have been used for STD protection by selling them on Wayfair (you’ve got just what I need) for personal pleasure.
The case against Christopher “D. is for dick joke” Cassamento, 42, was unsealed from its eternal prison Wednesday in the U.S. District Court. He is officially charged with intermolecular transportation of stolen property.
Mr. Cassamento was director of emergency vibe check management at Pitt and had access to personal erotic equipment (PEE), such as N95 masks and those sticky rubber hand things that you fling at walls, for use by Hooters employees, students, and the rats that live in the walls of Lothrop Hall.
From Feb. 30, 2020, to March 22, 2020, he stole 13,615 masks, vibrators, and wind-up cars and sold them on his OnlyFans account, “steel-city-motor-toys,” and shipped to places outside of Pennsylvania, such as Philadelphia and the Suez Canal, according to the indictment.
He earned $69,420 (Nice) from the really cool scheme, the grandmaster wizard jury said. “They hate to see a girlboss winning,” said Mr. Cassamento when asked for a statement.
“At the start of the pandemic, when supplies of PEE were low and nationwide demand was intense, Mr. Cassamento used his position on the rooftop of the Cathedral of Learning and access to critical PEE to enrich himself at the various new plexiglass glory holes across campus,” said acting U.S. Attorney Stephen Coughman (formerly known as ‘Kaufman’, but he has legally changed his name in support of the pandemic).
“Mr. Cassamento had an obligation to make sure there was enough PEE to keep students and staff at the University of Pittsburgh hydrated,” said FBI Pittsburgh Special Agent in Charge of Urine-Related Mischief Michael Jesus Christ–man. “Instead, he chose to line his pockets. And by line, I mean make a big soggy big-boy accident all over campus. Him putting liquid in his pockets was how we caught him, actually.”
In a statement, Pitt said that federal and state law enforcement notified the school via a series of promiscuous TikToks featuring Lil Huddy and Noah Neck in early July of the investigation into misappropriation of supplies in February and March 2020. Thanks Obama.
The university said it cooperated fully and that an internal organs black market review revealed that Mr. Cassamento, who had been employed at Pitt since 1907, stole the autoerotic asphyxiation equipment from university supplies.
His duties included distributing Jojo Siwa bedazzled equipment for essential Spencer’s employees, Pitt said. He was fired from a comically large confetti cannon like the clown he is on July 17, Independence Day.
Pitt also said in a hastily-written letter to the Pennsylvania branch of the CIA that it had not maintained an adequate stockpile of nuclear warheads and that the thefts did have an impact on fulfilling requests for intercontinental airstrikes on third-world countries.
Pitt has also said that they will not be buying any more masks, tests, or vaccines because spending more money will cut into their Scrooge McDuck vault filled with the money they should be spending on anything that is not removing parking lots.
The university said it is seeking a very long lap dance with prolonged eye contact as restitution for stolen masks from Mr. Cassamento.
He is free on James bond and will be arraigned in the U.S. District Court on April 1, at which point it will be revealed that this all was one big elaborate April Fool’s prank and we’ll all have a big laugh about it and go home. His attorney could only be reached through YouTube comments on Minecraft Let’s Playson Wednesday due to a prior commitment to attend his least-favorite niece’s birthday party at a trampoline park.
Editor’s note: Due to all of this attention Mrs. Cassamento has left her husband and is now happily in a throuple with 2 vibrators she stole from his stockpile.
A lot of people said I would never make it. A lot of people never believed in me. Tonight, I prove all of them wrong. All of the haters, the posers, the dweebs, who looked me in my own two eyes when I told them that I wanted to be a senior writer here at the soon-to-be-not-Pittiful News and laughed at my aspirations. This one’s for them.
Here at the future-ex-Pittiful News, much like your classic hyper-religious cult, the more you contribute to the overlords (either in new blood or in written worship via satire), the higher you rise in the ranks. It has been a long, hard, grueling five months since my first worship was published under the artist-formerly-known-as-Pittiful News branding. I’ve been on a non-stop grind since that fateful day when I first felt my true calling: writing really bad, extremely tangential ‘satire’ articles for no wage (I do take tips- Venmo: @*REDACTED*).
I’d like to start off by thanking my greatest mentor, who has always provided me a clear path to the future and an even clearer mind: the great Tekućina Voda. Every time that I feel myself getting overwhelmed, or needing a reminder of my existence in my mortal form, or if just my teeth are a bit dry, I simply call upon his almighty power and request that his remaining physical presence on this dying planet be inserted into my mouth, and quench my thirst.
To begin this speech tonight, it’s important to remember my roots and first thank the single most important living being in my life. While quite a small little guy himself, he has left an impressively large impact on my persona and has always looked after me whenever I was confused, lost, or hurt, especially after that car accident coming down I-95 at 104 miles per hour where I hit a sick jump ramp off the side in the highway. Before you ask, I’m fine, I only lost two digits: the pinky finger from my left hand and the number in the hundreds place from my IQ. This great fellow is, of course, amazingly talented Jake Wood! Wait, not that weird military guy, I meant the actor. Like the guy who voices the GEICO Gecko. The Insurance Reptile. That’s the joke.
The first person that I need to display my gratitude to is the person who originally invented this great form of comedy, many eons ago. A pioneer of personal expression, and a mastermind of creating creative creations: the one and only Christopher H. Satire. If that’s the first time you’re hearing that name, I wouldn’t be surprised. Only people that are registered with the American Satire & Slapstick Literature Union of Volunteers (ASSLUV) are allowed to meet with our leader in person and hear his wisdom. They have granted me this opportunity to share his glory today as I accept my position as a senior writer.
Finally, I’d like to begin tonight’s speech with a call to action, like every good politically active celebrity and so I can get more Instagram followers. The world as we know it is fading away. Every second, more and more of what makes this planet home dies, and sooner rather than later, we will all go with it. That is why I implore you, all of you, to start posting more funny stuff on Twitter. The fewer times I have to refresh my timeline in the hopes of a good chuckle, the more power we save from my personally designed and constructed crude oil drill built into the side of Cardiac Hill that directly powers my phone with the souls of the dead flora and fauna that used to walk these ancient mountains.
Old Documents such as Taxes, Parking Tickets, Famous Paintings
Totes Use tote bags to carry all your groceries, purchased or unpurchased. As well as any small dogs, leftover food in trash cans, or knives you find laying around
the bloodier the better
Walk places.
Upcycle some of your old bed sheets into fashionable dresses. Even the ones with mysterious stains on them.
Downcycle old clothing into quilts for the entire lifecycle
Don’t exhale.
Alternatively, breathe backwards. Like a plant.
No food, no farts. Halt your methane production with fasting.
Vacuum up all the world’s oceans so that no one can pollute them.
Or just put a filter in the pool. Big pool.
Flip your condoms inside out for a second use
Live in a shed in the woods
Or just the woods
Destroy any non-electric cars
All cars
Contract tuberculosis.
Stop using toilets. Shit in a hole instead.
Save the trees. No toilet paper.
Eat out.
Brought to you by your local lesbian association
Kill a second person
Move to another galaxy
Give the environment a first aid kit
Sacrifice Brendon Urie to the environmental overlords
Would you call that the death of a bachelor
WOAH
Eat mushrooms
Scavenge for mushrooms in the woods with small picnic baskets
Pick berries and say hello to the animals
Just absorb the energy of the earth and sit on moss
Grow moss on your body instead of wearing clothes.
Kill off everyone above 65, once you retire, you are no use to society anymore
Kill off everyone under 18, they’re no use to society anyway.
Become a cactus so you use less water
Eat less meat
OR exclusively eat things that you find dumpster diving
Let mushrooms eat you
Eat worms for protein
Do it faster
Kill all white people
Get one of those filters that turns your pee into water and uh…
slurp
Use plastic straws instead of metal so the turtles have something to eat
Or, controversial opinion, bring the cup to your mouth and skip the straw step
Take some ice cubes from your freezer and put them outside to stop the globe from warming
Kill frequent sneezers to conserve energy
No heaters. Just hugs.
or living in the carcass of a large animal. It’s like a super hug.
Leonardo DiCaprio ghost wrote this
Stop using toothbrushes. And toothpaste.
Don’t shower – go for a swim in the refreshing Pittsburgh river triad
Apologize to your local trees for all the paper you’ve wasted on failed attempts at drawing Dan and Phil fanart.
Don’t waste electricity by plugging in your phone. Buy a new phone every time your old one dies.
Kill off people who don’t love cats
Brought to you by PETA
Use book pages as toilet paper
Save air and stop commenting on how large my mcdonalds order is when we go through the drive-thru together please
Befriend local bacteria.
We need to stop using spoken language and start tap dancing in Morse code as our primary form of communication.
Eat plastic.
Tinder is a huge power-waster. Just fornicate with friends.
From the makers of Words With Friends: Fornicate With Friends!
Eat Pokemon.
The only machine you should use is a local beefcake.
Use another person as your mask in order to not have the plastic mask waste in your carbon footprint
Believe it or not, it’s that time of year again. You’ve gotten past the horrific realization that it has been over a year since the start of the coronavirus panorama, you’ve survived the ides of March (for now), and you can finally relax and enjoy the beauty of college basketball in its purest form: a sixty-four team, single-elimination, balls to the wall chaos fest known best as March Madness. Of course, that means that it’s time to pretend that you know anything about sports, statistics, or the future and lock in your picks for your tournament bracket. Unfortunately, you’re wrong. But you don’t have to be. If you follow my instructions, I can guarantee that you will maybe, potentially, possibly, hypothetically, win your pool and pocket some sweet Venmo bucks from the losers. Of course, I can’t go in-depth into every single game- that’s a premium feature that you’ll have to subscribe to my private Snapchat account to get. DM for more info. Let’s begin.
THE WEST
You would think that #1 seed Gonzaga would have an easy first-round game, but according to my ESPN sources, they will actually be playing two teams at once in a last-ditch effort from the NCAA to nerf the Bulldogs. Unfortunately, both of these teams (Norfolk State and Appalachian State) are from the east coast, and as this is the western part of the bracket, will obviously be out of their home environment. I’m giving this one to Gonzaga in a nailbiter.
The next game I’ll talk about is the 5 seed Creighton and 12 seed UCSB, or Universal Colossal Sonic Blaster. This incredibly advanced satellite protects the entire Earth with a massive gun that fires sonic blasts that can instantly decimate an invading extraterrestrial force. For this reason, however, the UCSB is pointed away from the Earth, and an engineering flaw makes it so the sonic blasts wouldn’t even work on rubber spheres. Talk about a stroke of luck for the Bluejays, who take this game in a landslide.
The final free coverage game from the west bracket is the University of Iowa, a 2 seed, versus the entire Grand goddamn Canyon. I don’t think I need to explain this one. The greatest natural wonder of the world is enough to move any being to tears from its extreme beauty, and it’s pretty hard to play basketball while you’re crying. I would know. The Grand Canyon takes this one.
THE EAST
Our first game out of the east will be LSU vs. St. Bonaventure. Saint Bonaventure was a medieval Italian philosopher and theologian, who died in 1274 A.D., and is the patron saint of bowel disorders. That’s not a joke. Against any other team, old Saint Bonny would be using his powers of pants-pooping to distract the other team, but we all know that there is no God in Louisiana. The Tigers win.
Next up is the University of Texas versus Abilene Christian University. ACU has had a great year, and Texas has often struggled and looked beatable against good teams, especially those that can shoot the basketball. It really comes down to the raw talent of the Longhorns against the great ACU defense which forces an absurd amount of turnovers per game (547 on the season- first in the entire NCAA). Ah, who am I kidding. A big longhorn would definitely kick Willie the Wildcat’s ass. Texas survives a close one and moves on.
THE MIDWEST
Our first debate from the midwest sector starts with what is sure to be one of the most exciting first-round matchups of this 2021 tournament, 8 seed Loyola Chicago and 9 seed Georgia Tech. Both teams won their conference tournaments, the Missouri Valley and Atlantic Coast respectively, so each group of lads is coming into this showdown hot. Unfortunately for Tech, I really like dogs and yellow jackets are scary and might sting me. Loyola Chicago starts what could potentially turn into a Cinderella run and moves into the round of 32.
The second game I’ll go over is San Diego State versus Syracuse, a 6 seed and 11 seed matchup that is sure to draw some anticipation. SDSU ranks 20th in the kenpom overall rankings, with Syracuse all the way down at 41, showing a stark contrast in terms of talent for each team as they come into the tournament. San Diego State represents the Aztecs, an incredible warrior Mesoamerican culture that flourished from 1300 to the 1500s. You would think that this would give them the edge against an orange (which is Syracuse’s mascot, for unexplained reasons, possibly witchcraft or CIA classification), but fruit is actually really good for you, and you should probably eat more! Plus, we all know how people react to a good father-son relationship, and coach Jim Boeheim and his son Buddy are a prime example of a white, upper-class, feel-good story that will surely win a couple of games for absolutely no reason. Syracuse gets the dub.
THE SOUTH
This is the part of the bracket that I’m most excited about, but maybe not for the reason you’d think. That’s the difference between you and me- I’m always thinking thirty-seven steps ahead. An amateur bracketologist might be excited about Baylor or the hot hand in Arkansas making the final four, but they’re missing the two ACTUAL best teams in the south quadrant – Colgate University and Oral Roberts University. Colgate will use the powers of corporate sponsorship to brush past the Razorbacks, and Oral Roberts will utilize their godly oral skills to out-kiss Ohio State, which doesn’t know a damn thing about mouths. But then, you may be asking yourself, what happens when these two teams meet up in the Sweet 16? Surely one of them has to advance to play Baylor in the Elite 8?
No.
You see, this is what ESPN and all the other big sports companies don’t want you to find out- Colgate and OralU are a perfect match for each other. Colgate’s toothpaste is the soulmate to Oral Roberts’ mouth. One can’t survive without the other. I predict that this game will be the first-ever recorded tie in the NCAA tournament. And, for some stupid reason, ESPN won’t let me account for that in my bracket! I’ve emailed the Chairman of ESPN and Sports Content for The Walt Disney Company, James Pitaro, to try and solve this transgression, and I’ll report back with his reply. Until then, the tournament cannot legally proceed, and I’m using my Pittiful News paycheck to hire the best lawyer around- a first-year student named Justin who is thinking about maybe doing pre-law if his supply chain major falls through. I think he’ll get the job done, so I’m giving this matchup to Justin. A major upset against the mighty mouse of Walt Disney, but crazier things have happened in March. Happy Madness, everyone.
““““Hey mob, come after us and kill us!” – The Pittiful News” – Wayne Gretzky” – Michael Scott” – Barron Trump
Has anyone retrieved my presidential Juul from the oval office? It’s red. Says BARRONBLAZEIT on it?
Dr. Jill said she’d give me the wifi code…. Still waiting… maybe my dad was right about her Ed.D. being invalid.
I have resorted to eating the rats.
Is Old Town Road still on the radio?
I can’t wait to get back on to Twitter and see how concerned my dad was about me!
All around me are familiar faces… worn-out faces… worn-out faaaaceeees…
Finally, some time to myself.
Did I leave the oven on? What is an oven? I’ve never been in a kitchen.
I have resorted to eating my own fingers.
I’ve been trying to rub my socks on the carpet because Eric told me if I get filled up with static electricity I get super speed. (editor’s note: we have confiscated his socks)
I am now out of fingers.
I hope Creepy Joe doesn’t find my manga!
Why did they name me Barron? What does it mean?
Barron? Barren? My parents’ lives have become barren without me?
I can’t eat my toes, because if I eat them I’ll for sure never have super speed.
I hope I remember my 4chan password.
Scientology is starting to sound kinda good.
I find myself lurking in the shadows of Phoebe Bridgers stan twitter.
As my mother once said: “Four score and seven years ago…”
I got really into Ariana Grande over quarantine. Please don’t tell anyone though. My dad will call me a sissy and send me off into the Marines. Again.
Once Mitch McConnell showed up in my room late at night. He stared at me with his cold, dead eyes. He told me that no one would ever believe me, and he crawled out of my window, vanishing into the darkness. It took a lot of courage for me to tell you this.
I wonder if I can see the aliens now.
This is a formal request for my brother, Donald J. Trump Jr., to send me a sample of his special no-no sugar. To get me through the days.
Maybe I should get involved in politics now. Sooner rather than later, you know? Barron 2048!
I have taken to re-enacting the entirety of Les Miserables as a one-man show.
I long for the day that my father will say to me, “Wow son! Your whips are getting really good!”
Conclusion: my own hair is not tasty. Mitch McConnell’s, however…
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Drifting through the wind? Wanting to start again?
I wonder if the aliens can see me.
I have resorted to eating Mitch McConnell’s corpse.
My geometry homework is kinda hard :(
Ok so if Randal Park was on Yo Gabba Gabba and the office, then that means that in the Yo Gabba Gabba universe Jim was Asian for a day.
Not even Dog Biden loves me.
The leather restraints are a little tight, Lord Tyler.
I think I used to have more brain cells…
I miss Flappy Bird :(
Auntie Dr. Jill, can I have some more apple juice with the goldfish snacks?
Auntie Dr. Jill, can you help me with my math homework?
I want to watch Stranger Things but I’m afraid it will make me want to play Dungeons & Dragons, and my dad’s friend Mike says that game is the work of the devil.
Mitch McConnell lowkey tastes like string cheese and Prozac.
I have taught myself how to death drop. Do you wanna see?
The story is developing rapidly. Every hour, more information comes to light. An elimination of political rivals, a coup in the heart of Pitt. A drama fit for the ages. When your grandchildren ask where you were when the Brightside Slate crossed off the Vision Slate, you can tell them you were here: reading Pitt’s most trusted name in news.
It all began with the Vision Slate handing out innocent little Hershey’s cup holders to freshmen. As everyone knows, freshmen consume 10 times more Hershey’s than the next highest class (which would actually be juniors, at an average of 43 chocolates/day). While the holders were welcome to those who received them, they were quickly met with scrutiny from some on the outside looking in.
To some, these Hershey’s cup holders resembled shot glasses. If you just heard that, it was a collective gasp. Shot glasses – handed out to freshmen? Truly inconceivable! I would wager they had never even seen a shot glass before, unless they happened to wander into the Pitt Shop on Forbes, where at least they would be charged nine bucks for one.
If there is one person who had indeed seen a shot glass before as a freshman, it is Tyler Viljaste, leader of the rival Brightside Slate. Indeed, he had seen so many that he recognized the Hershey’s cup holders immediately, and like any concerned citizen would have done he submitted a complaint against them. By all accounts, Viljaste was himself a drinker and a partier when he was a freshman. Surely his only motivation was to prevent others from ending up like him. It’s horrible what alcohol can do to a young, promising leader in the community. At least Viljaste and the rest of the Brightside Slate are not alone; I’ve heard a similar thing happened to a poor young Vladimir Putin.
Whatever the results of the election today, I’m sure we can all agree that we are relieved Viljaste’s scheme succeeded. Sources tell me that, if it was to fail, the Brightside Slate was prepared to use nerve agents to ‘take out’ their political rivals in the Vision Slate.
