Let’s face it: none of us take the time to read the terms and conditions. They are far too long, and far too boring. What could even be there, right? After all, terms and conditions are written by the kindest, most selfless people on the Earth—business executives and lawyers. We read the first sentence or two, sign and accept, and things turn out fine.
Many on-campus freshmen and sophomores, such as myself, approached their Roommate Pact in a similar, responsible way—we waited for our roommate to cave and just write the whole thing for us, and maybe gave a hearty thumbs-up before we proudly signed without reading it. After all, signing pretty much makes us Pact co-writers, and co means half, so we technically did, like, half the work. For most, this standard method causes no issue.
However, one freshman, Martin Campbell (age 18), ran into trouble after blindly signing an agreement written by his Sociology Major roommate Aldous Zingmann (age 19), who decided to take things one step further. Aldous had apparently snuck a 106 page-long contract into the Roommate Pact that apparently signed Martin into indentured servitude for the rest of his life. With his signature on the page, Martin is now legally bound to do the following and more: Shine Aldous’s shoes, wash Aldous’s feet, do Aldous’s homework, sing graceful lullabies, and tell really funny knock-knock jokes upon request. Should Martin refuse, he and his family might face over “one gazillion dollars” in fines over breach of contract. (Or something like that, we didn’t really read the terms and conditions either.)
After meeting with his lawyer (age 45), Martin has commented that he “tends to be unlucky” and “wouldn’t be surprised if this happens again”. He also confirmed that since he didn’t sign under duress, he has no legal grounds to dispute the contract. Martin explained that “the roommate agreement was just so long and so boring, I’m not even sure if my lawyer read it either.” In other news, Aldous’s crocs are shinier than ever.
Yes, its true. I, the Lord, did something for the greater good. The day was Thursday the 25th of November in the year 2021. Very late that evening I was wandering past a location that was known for having lots of foot traffic. This night I noticed that there was not a lot of people wandering by, but there were a lot of people sitting on the sidewalk with tents and mobile fireplaces to keep themselves warm. I found it horrible that people would not want to be near these obviously homeless people. I understand that many people see them as dirty but having lived with literal pigs for a few years in the early 300 BCE’s I don’t see the un housed as dirty.
I approached someone near one of the edges of the group and asked if I could join them. This kind man said yes and we began talking about our lives. He said “Well, my kids are back at home but I need to get them something from the store, and as it is almost Black Friday, I felt like this would be a great time to get some good deals on presents.” I found it incredible that even in as trying of times as he and his family must be going through for him to sleep on the streets in these frigid temperatures, he was thinking of getting his children something nice for the holidays as even kids living on the streets should believe in the magic of the holidays. I was also amazed that he and his family were able to call some hard section of concrete or asphalt home. I had never heard of this so-called Black Friday, but coming from a white guy to a white guy, regardless of their living arrangements seemed a bit racist but I have been told that punching down is not a good practice. As for the gifts he planned to get good deals on, the homeless communities must have some complex and difficult for outsiders to understand bartering system.
Once the clock struck midnight instead of some fairytale style transformation for a group of homeless people and their supporters into a city of affordable housing and strong social programs, a light turned on and everyone got up. We all walked into this large warehouse like building filled to the brim with food, toys, clothes and anything else you could want in where you will be living. To my knowledge the have repurposed a warehouse that was used to sell walls at one point, they turned it into a place for the less fortunate to live. As sad as it is to see businesses go under, I am grateful to the previous owners of WalMart for going out of business because of their misfortune, hundreds have found shelter. I said goodbye to the kind man who now has a place to bring his family in from the cold. I left the new homeless shelter feeling good about myself, yes, but feeling good for the state of humanity more.
By the Writers of The Pitiful News(Formerly the Pittiful BOOOOOOs)
Woodrow Butim AfraidOfWater
Woodrow was loved by all he knew, except for the MerFolk he committed atrocities against. Mr. AfraidOfWater is survived by a wife, PaddleBoat “Paddy” AfraidOfWater, and 2 children, MerMadeline “Maddie” AfraidOfWater and Drowned “Owen” AfraidOfWater. Woodrow died of dysentery and smallpox.
Crispin Fried
Mr. Fried, known to his friends as Bean, wasn’t really a good man, but we have to feature him here anyway. He sometimes smelled bad, and he had a pretty wicked temper, but he was the inventor of an unpopular type of potato chip that you probably haven’t heard of, so he had more money than you can imagine. He died, as you might guess, of several stab wounds, because he was actually a terrible man if we really think about it. He leaves behind a delighted wife, two indifferent children, and a potato chip factory that continues to be unpopular.
Edgar
Edgar was known to his friends and family only as Edgar. His enemies knew him by a different name, but they refuse to speak of it now that he is no longer here. Edgar died under mysterious circumstances, and even now, we’re unsure of exactly what happened. It was something to do with a stone quarry, a bowl of chili, and a really nice pair of shoes. We wish his family the best and hope they stop grieving soon because it could happen to anybody, really.
Marley N. Mcdonough
MNM died from an overdose. A peanut overdose, she was deathly allergic. To add insult to injury there is speculation that she was murdered due to her long standing feud with the M&M corporation. She sued them over identity theft and her case had been kicked up to the Supreme Court of the United States. When she won, forcing M&M to change their famed product’s name to Stanley Tucci’s Chocolate Spheres, the Stanley Tucci’s Chocolate Spheres Corporation was not happy. Marley was found to have died due to a peanut Stanley Tucci’s Chocolate Sphere.
Nick Quick
Nick Quick was not a dick.
He was rather misunderstood
Yes, sure he liked to drive stick
He would help his neighbor if he could
Nick Quick will be missed
Not for what he did but for who he was
He will not be forgotten by those he kissed
He loved people not for personal gain, he loved them just because
Beatrice Ecirtaeb
I had the pleasure of knowing Beatrice personally. She was my eighth favorite little old lady who dressed like Paddington Bear. I think I was the only person she knew. She died doing what she loved – subway surfing the tops of trees like a drugged-up squirrel. To those concerned, we would like to clarify that she did not fall; rather, she was gently impaled on a small branch, and then she sat on a large branch to rest, and then she never got up again. Please join me in mourning her death, and please help me sort through her extensive collection of nuts. I think this woman was actually a squirrel and also a hoarder. There are so many nuts.
Charlie Smith
Charlie has yet to die but he will die this year. On December 31st at around 11:58pm, he will fall to his death from the New Year’s Eve ball, which he climbed in his signature daredevil style. When Mr. Smith leaves this world he will take with him over 300 people who were in Times Square to celebrate the coming new year but were in the way of his cratering fall.
Grab your headphones, shut those blinds, pour yourself a glass of wine, and throw out everything that falls within six degrees of separation from Jake Gyllenhaal, because everyone’s favorite underground indie singer-songwriter superstar is coming back to town on November 12th. Taylor Alison Swift, noted rags-to-riches girlboss and esteemed offspring of a Merrill Lynch stockbroker and a marketing executive, will surely knock the music world on its ass as she plans to release her re-recording of the best album of 2012, Visions by Grimes. Thankfully, Kanye did not release an album that year, or that joke would have been even worse. Red (Taylor’s Version) was originally scheduled to release on November 19th but was moved up a week presumably to precede the release of TheGummy Bear Album (Gummibär’s Version), in stores on November 13th.
Red 2: The Reddening promises a modern remaster of Swift’s career-altering breakthrough into pop music that you wish you could have appreciated at the time but your sister would not stop playing it around the house at a very fragile time in your psychological development. The re-recording will also include numerous unreleased songs, such as “Nothing New” featuring Phoebe Bridgers (yes!), two songs with Ed Sheeran (no!), and the original ten-minute long version of “All Too Well” because I just can’t catch a goddamn break, can I Taylor? Despite acclaim and excitement for the massive thirty-song tracklist, many fans are rightfully irate at the omission of the famous stylized period at the end of “I Knew You Were Trouble.” which honestly completely ruins the song for me.
Prior to the release of the album this Friday, many Pittsburgh city officials have posted notices alerting citizens of elevated levels of crimes of passion and gender-based tension. Police fear increased rates of arson, car keying, window-smashing, cryptocurrency theft, vote-by-mail fraud, general homicide, and hateful subtweets. The state of grace has already been disrupted by western Pennsylvania Swifties venturing out from their homes for the first time in months and painting the town red (literally and figuratively). These treacherous crimes were met with harsh warnings from high-ranking community members and police officers that, despite having already known that the Taylor stans were trouble, knew all too well that they would be unable to stop them. One local Swiftie was charged with 21 counts of vandalism after one particularly rowdy rally on Monday night. I wish they had just done it one more time because now I have to find some way to subtly get the number 22 into this article. Oh, there we go.
Anyway, when asked if they regretted their crimes, the perpetrator was quoted as saying “I almost do,” which is maybe the coldest thing ever said in a court of law. During the trial, the accused vandalist then went on to pledge to the jury that they and the rest of the pro-Taylor vandalist gang would never ever be getting back together, after which the judge dropped all charges. The defendant promised to stay (stay (stay)) out of trouble, and that this would be the last time they would deface the holy ground of our beautiful city of Pittsburgh. One Pittsburgh police officer, Gregorio Hamfistico, famous for never using commas or saying the word ‘and,’ described the crime as “sad beautiful tragic.” He then went on to proclaim himself as “the lucky one” after many other Pittsburgh citizens had property damaged or stolen during the rally. “Everything has changed and features Ed Sheeran!” said Hamfistico. Not exactly sure what he meant by that, but it seemed thought-provoking. No matter your stance on Taylor, it is important to protect yourself, your family, and your mental health during these tumultuous times. If you find yourself alone in the starlight on Friday night, be sure to stay close to sidewalks, keep your eyes peeled for people wearing red lipstick, and avoid any seemingly demonic summonings of men to date Taylor Swift lest we let this whole thing begin again. Good luck, everyone.
By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly Unvaccinated) edits made in bold: original article
What is COVID? No, seriously, what is it. Somebody please tell us. Ain’t that the crow family? (closed captioning provided by PBS kids, the BBC, and viewers like you.)
(Thank you.)
Please.
NOVEMBER 1, 2021
Pitt announced in a Monday Funday campus wide email that all students and employees must be vaccinated against COVID-69, or receive an approved exemption, beginning Jan. 6th 2021. The vaccine joins the measles, mumps, rubella, chicken pox, ligma, sugma, dysentery, mad cow disease, lycanthropy, death, and meningitis vaccines already “required” by the University.
The move, which takes effect on the first day of classes after Thanksgiving break, followed months of pressure, the build up is very anticipated and once it arrives we can relieve some of our built up juices by replacing it with that good good science semen, from elected campus leaders, who nearly all expressed support last spring by margins wider than a freshman paper that is just under the page requirement. It also comes after some have questioned how, if at all, funding from Pennsylvania’s Republican-led legislature has played into the vaccine mandate trigonometry by state-related universities. The State Senate leader said Penn’s Taint would likely face “hordes of aerial humpback whales” if a mandate took effect, but the state-related university ended up rolling out a fruit roll-up that will also start in December.
Pitt faculty, staff, haters, lovers,mothers, and fuckers who have not uploaded spooof of vaccination are currently required to take weekly COVID-19 vape hits. Negative test results [sic (via Jon Moss)] or failure to get tested results in a resulting loss of access to University buildings and a spank from Patrick Gallagher himself, which critics contend would actually result in an increase to unvaccination rates. Currently, 106% of faculty members, 143% of staff, 6% of undergraduate students, 100% of lizardmen,and 98% of sewer rats have submitted proof of vaccination.
The University said in the email that its current approach is “really stupid.” Chancellor Patrick Gallagator said at September’s Student Council bake sale that the University’s weekly COVID-19 testing program for the unvaccinated was estimated to cost between $20 to $50 million, the majority of which is paid for by the tuition of Pitt’s vaccinated student body.
“By enforcing this requirement now, we will be able to pretend we have a moral backbone while simultaneously bending to the will of mothball-ridden, lobbyist-backed Republicans.We will also maintain a high defenestration rate on our campuses,” the email said, “while continuing to support our students and research, as well as protect our workforce, with minimal disruption to our programs, activities or money-laundering operations.”
The requirement will affect 2,250 students, 420 faculty and 690staff members who have not disclosed their vaccination status, the email said. We would like to take this time to mention that The University of Pittsburgh has completed their 15 year research into the topic of talking emails, and by George they have done it. Currently enrolled students who fail to comply with the Dec. 6 deadline will not be able to enroll for spring classes (or slinky classes) or live in residence halls as of Jan. 6th, 2022, also known as Put Trump Back in Office 2: Electric Spookaloo. Students who have already enrolled in classes but fail to provide proof of vaccination or obtain a proper exemption will be disemboweled. We will however be keeping all of the money they paid because we value money more than we value teaching in a safe environment like, oh, I don’t know, online. Current employees will be subject to disciplinary action, which will include loss of access to electronic resources and other disciplinary actions up to and including termination of employment, the email said. The talking email strikes again. Also additional disciplinary actions could include: a single spanking, staff being made to listen to the forbidden sound of a banana hitting a kayak, being forced to watch cute puppies and kittens and ducklings playing and not being allowed to touch them, and/or having their arms and legs chained to the roof of Cathy. To find a full list look here.
Pitt community members can request an exemption beginning next Monday from the vaccine requirement for medical reasons, or reasons based on being a massive piece of shit. The email said the Office of Danger, Exclusion, and Iffy Business will review these requests on a case-by-case case-is. Those granted an exemption will be subject to additional midget-station measures, such as routine COVID-19 testing.
The email added that this is an interim policy, and a formal charter and committee are being formed to create a permanent policy. We here at the Pitiful News feel that Pitt is going a bit overboard with this whole talking email thing. Faculty Assembly President “Glad” Robin Kear (of “Batman” fame) said many years ago, on a night much like tonight, that she was part of a group that analyzed the possible consequences related to faculty vaccination requirements, and also noted that she is “glad” there may be a possible vaccination policy.
Kear, who was “glad,” said “Monday” that she is “glad to see Pitt moving ahead with a vaccine requirement to keep the Pitt community safe and healthy.” Kear, who was “glad,” continued to note her support for a mandated vaccine. Kear was quoted as being “glad” at the future prospects for the greater “student” body regarding a future “requirement too” [sick] be vaccinated – something we can all be “glad” about!
Harshitha Ramanan, also glad, the Student Government Board president, did not immediately respond to a request for comment, but did release a finsta story complaining about how uncomfortable the chairs are in many Cathedral of Learning classrooms. A random old man was noted saying, “are you committed to ending ‘finsta?’”
Pitt officials did not immediately respond to a question about whether community members will still need to swipe their Panther Cards in their ass cracksand wait for it to beep when entering University buildings — used to prove compliance with the current COVID-19 vaccine and testing program — when the new policy takes effect in December. Currently, you are not required to swipe your Panther Card in your ass crack, but you can if you want to (heh, sick).
Pitt’s CoVax Vaxxxination Vaccenter is open to the public for the right price, and offers all three COVID-19 vaccines to community members, including a new OnlyFans subscriber tier. The Center accepts both registered appointments, walk-ins (for a quickie), ordonations of $50 or less.
By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Platitudes)
If you leave your entire test blank, you will get no answers wrong, and the professor is legally required to give you a 100%
Make space for other students by sitting as close as possible to the only other person studying on floor 4 of Hillman at 3am
Shit your pants in the middle of the exam to either go to the bathroom and look up answers or distract others with your scent so there’s a higher curve
The therapy dogs are there to steal the knowledge from your mind. Do not trust them.
If the test isn’t going well, shout “I have COVID!” and take off your mask in the lecture hall. Everybody will leave and the test will be cancelled.
Remember, every exam is BYOB: build your own bomb
Take copious amounts of ExLax chocolate tablets to shit out the stupid
If you don’t like the score you get back, murder your professor
Raise your hand during the test. The professor is required to eliminate 2 of the answer choices.
Chew the same flavor gum when you study and when you take the test to remind yourself that you’re an idiot and you will never make it in Hollywood
If a parent writes you a note you can be excused from the exam
When writing a paper, it is important never to cite your sources – never let “the man” know where you’re getting your anarchist ideas
Phrase all your short answer responses as questions, like in Jeopardy
Tell your professor how much you are enjoying your reading of the Anarchist Cookbook: keep them on their toes and scared of you
Never eat before an exam, or drink water for that matter. It takes up space in the body that should be reserved for knowledge.
Keep your in-test flatulence silent
Bring binoculars with you so you can cheat off your neighbor easier
Clap for your fellow students whenever they finish a question
Ask the person sitting next to you to walk on your back during the exam if you get tense
If you sleep with your teacher you will get an A
Unless you suck at sucking
Keep in mind, there are worse things than getting an F, such as disappointing your entire ancestral line due to low academic performance
Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow
Bring in cut and dried grass, legumes, or other herbaceous plants to feed your professor – remember: no hay, no A!
You might be allowed to nibble on your exam a little bit, as a treat
Write all the answers on the back of a white t-shirt, then give said t-shirt to the person in front of you as an early (or late) birthday gift
Bring a drink
Water is best but vodka can look like water in a pinch
In the last five minutes of the exam, look around and find your classmate closest to crying. Follow them after the exam is over and harvest their tears for the tear god.
Smear feces on your ScanTron to throw off the machine
Clear the room with a toot and look at everybody’s papers
Most professors accept bribes, success varies on how much you initially slide across the table nonchalantly
Make snacks the night before, you might get hungry throughout the day!
Kill a guy
Wear your shortest skirt to distract the boys so they will fail and bring down the curve
Pepper spray your neighbor and look at their answers
Don’t forget to eat a balanced breakfast on the morning of your exam. Have both a No. 2 pencil and a pen in your bag. Read all answer choices carefully and make sure to pace yourself. Get a great night of sleep and skip the stress by studying gradually beforehand instead of cramming one or two days before.
Sacrifice an animal on your ScanTron to throw off the machine
Play video games until an hour before your test and then stare at each page, you can read faster with your unconscious mind than with your conscious one
If you plan on cheating write down someone else’s PittID number
Get thee to a nunnery
It’s ok to cry a little bit as long as your tears don’t get on your scantron
Pray to your deity of choice
Use a giant magnet to steal the answers off of your professor’s computer
Use a giant magnet to steal an even gianter magnet
Mimic the dial up internet sound to distract everyone while you google the answers
Think of Danny Devito, he might help you
Pray to Danny Devito, he might help you
Set your ringtone to the lyrical version of W.A.P. or maybe the acoustic version of my neck my back (lick it) and then have someone call you so you have a good excuse to leave
Get on an episode of wife swap and swap your wife with the teacher’s wife, then have your wife do recon and find the answer key to give to you
Clip your toenails on your ScanTron to throw off the machine
The Pit(t)iful News 