“The” “Pitiful ‘News’” “births” “unique” and “eccentric” cult, I mean– religious “community” ‘for’ “Pitt” “comedians”

Photo Credits: Satan’s Sidepiece

“Σεπτεμβερ” 22, 2022

The Pitiful News members levitate, raising chalices of blood, chortling, guffawing, busting guts, and kikiing with their friends. It’s dark outside, and no one is going anywhere. Ever. The door is locked. Everyone is looking for a way out, feigning interest in the Pitiful News overlords, terrified to contribute to a shared Google document for the cult’s first meeting of the semester. They know that whatever words uttered in this room might be their last. The only bit of hope they can cling to is the guest appearance from the Emmy Award Winning fly™. 

The third floor of the Cathedral of Learning, where the Pitiful News hosts its meetings, was ominously lit by candlelight. They were not practicing safe fire practices. The stairwell smelt of burnt hair and a decaying Roc fursuit was found in the corner of what remained of room 349. The walls began to bleed as the meeting began with an inhuman chanting, followed by several hours of compulsory silence. The EYES of Dr. TJ Eckleberg on the wall searched for those who were truly dedicated to the art of satire, finally closing when all those who were unworthy were raptured.

“I’ve never been more scared in my life,” said a new member, who requested to remain anonymous out of fear. “I was looking for the a cappella club, but someone grabbed me and pulled me into the room. It was the most scared I’d ever been. I shuddered as the door shut behind me and the EYES rose upon the classroom’s only chalkboard. Do not come to this club, lest you be consumed by Hellfire in Satan’s Pitt. I was forced to come up with that as a so-called ‘satirical tweet,’ but please, for the love of god get me out. This is a cry for help. THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP!” Despite not planning on returning for any more meetings, this anonymous student has already listed ‘Senior Satire Writer’ on their resume.

Some members felt terror in different ways: “When I told a joke the room went completely silent. The EYES stared at me for a long time. They looked into my soul and found my ‘Was it so funny you forgot to laugh’ quip wanting. YOUR BLOOD IS NOT EVEN WORTHY OF SACRIFICE. They locked the door. I want to get back in,” said a student found crying next to room 349.

One student shuffles nervously when asked about the proceedings of the meeting, “They cut my neck and asked for a blood sacrifice, holding my head over a gilded chalice. Then everyone took a sip. It reminded me of my First Communion.” When asked, an attendee commented on the taste, saying the blood was “lacking in iron.” There will be an “official” tutorial on how to properly swirl the chalice by a wine steward following the next meeting. 

Another student was more positive about their experiences when interviewed. “Oh yeah, I’ve been in a number of cults. I’ve made more money leading, but I’ve always had more fun following. I think we really get too much of a bad rep. When it comes down to it, what is a cult but a close-knit community?” When asked about rumors of blood sacrifices conducted by the club, the student refused to comment further.

The “president” of the “club”, “Evan Rafferty”, took a different track, choosing to affirm all of these alleged practices. “Pitt administration will probably do nothing”, he added, gleefully.

Ben Adams, the “vice president” of the “Pitiful News”, began to reference obscure chess matches that the rest of the members rejected from the discourse. He remained silent for the rest of the meeting.

Ella Mizera, the “business” manager, was alleged to have ascended during the initial meeting and was never seen again. Mizera remains unavailable for comment.

Another student was quite surprised to find out that the club was satirical and did not actually document real-world events. “My world was shattered”, the student stammered. “Were the South-O slip and slides ever real?” The student was also devastated to hear that the movement to repeal the Third Amendment was also a farce. “All I’m saying is he made some good arguments!”

The new members’ EYES were glued open, Clockwork Orange style, as they were forced to watch pornography as a group. They were practicing their “edging” skills, as said by a “club” “representative”. The head of adult material, Dexter Grafenburg, said that “the viewing of pornography is essential for the development of new satirical material.” Patrick Gallagher also made a surprise appearance, but quickly left after a FaceTime call request from his wife.

Also present was a CW Network representative who was looking for inspiration for the impending renewal of “(s)hit” show Riverdale. The representative was not allowed to make a statement due to the signing of a nondisclosure agreement, but we can only assume the ominous atmosphere surrounding the club will be essential to the Jughead-Betty-Archie love triangle in Season 5(?). 

Resident priest John Smithsonian attempted a quick exorcism and consecration session but to no avail. “That club is messed up,” Smithsonian stated. “I don’t get paid enough for this.” Pitiful News presidents attempted to convert Smithsonian to the demonic faith. After throwing a bit of holy water, Smithsonian fled the meeting. “Coward? Me? Would a coward be named John Smithsonian? I don’t think so,” Smithsonian exclaimed in his final statements to us.

Bafflingly, we’ve received more testimonials about the club than actual people who went. The only members we know were actually there were the ones in the photo (see above). If you find anyone who actually went to this club, please contact Pitt News staff immediately. Five dining dollars will be given.

After this series of events, this club is now contained by the SCP Foundation. All of the “members’ ” “bodies” and “records” of this “club” have been burned as a containment measure.

Dr. Oz Explains When Incest Is ‘Not A Big Problem’ In Resurfaced Audio–And Fetterman’s Response Is All Of Us (updated to contain information I got by living in PA for over 20 years)

By Lord Tyler Sikov: original article: edits made in bold

New Jersey Republican millionaire and Pennsylvania Senate candidate Mehmet Oz is facing significant criticism after comments he made resurfaced. In 2014 he appeared to give the green light to incestuous relationships. This is not the first time he discussed incest in a positive light. He did a segment on what your poop says about how far on a family tree you have to look to find your soulmate. 

During an interview with morning radio show The Breakfast Club in February 2014, not to be confused with the “The Breakfast Bunch” episode of Nickelodeon’s hit tv show Victorious which also came out in 2014, Oz was asked to weigh in on a question sent in by a listener about someone struggling with an incestuous relationship.

At the time, host Angela Yee asked Oz the following question:

“I’m going to ask you this, because you are friends with the foremost expert in incest Rudi Gulianni, and you tell me if this is safe for this person, okay?”

“Well, he said, ‘Yee, I can’t stop smashing my cousin.’ That means sleeping with.”

“‘We hooked up at a young age and now in our 20s, she still wants it. No matter how much I want to stop, I always give it to her. Help me.’ 

A week later we got an update to this question saying ‘My mom heard this on the radio the first time you answered it and now she has started joining in, but I am even more conflicted because these have been my first threesomes and because I have always been a mama’s boy”

What advice would you give that person?”

Rather than point this individual toward counseling services, Oz shocked listeners when he downplayed the situation and took the conversation in an entirely different direction, saying:

“If you’re more than a first cousin away, it’s not a big problem. Any closer related to you and it is much more of a case by case basis. How hot are they, because that has to play a part in it. How likely are you to get caught? Are they normal or nuts? Is the age difference enticing? How often is this happening? And what is their playlist like, because if it contains CBAT by Hudson Mohawke, run! The answers to each of these questions greatly change my recommendations of what to do.” …

“Every family has genetic strengths and weaknesses.”

“And so the reason we naturally crave people who are not so like us is because you just mix the gene pool up a little bit so that if I had one gene for, let’s say, hemophilia, which is a classic example where you must consume blood to survive, I don’t want to marry a cousin who has the same hemophilia gene, because the chance of our child having both those genes is much higher. Back in the Dark ages, people would reproduce with their family members quite often and that only ever angered the townspeople and, as any doctor knows, hemophiliacs hate the sight of fire and pitchforks.”

“You know, that’s why children, girls don’t like their fathers’ smell. Their pheromones will actually repel their daughters because they’re not supposed to be together.”

“My daughters hate my natural smell. That is why I wear cologne all the time, it makes them struggle less when we, to borrow a phase, be smashing“

Oz’s remarks resurfaced following reporting by Jezebel‘s Caitlin Cruz, who noted that considering Oz “has already been saying too much as a candidate, you know the things coming out of his mouth must have been pretty bad before.”

Indeed, these remarks soon caught the attention of John Fetterman, Oz’s Democratic opponent, who said they represented “Yet another issue where Oz and I disagree.”

Social media users were quick to echo Fetterman’s sentiments and offered their own criticisms of Oz.

Oz has attracted significant scorn on social media in recent months, particularly for running in Pennsylvania’s Senate race despite living in New Jersey. He would have gotten away with convincing people that he lives in PA if it weren’t for those meddling kids at the Jersey Shore show having footage of Oz as his recurring character “The Situation”.

Fetterman, who suffered a near-fatal stroke in May, has generated support in his time off the campaign trail by launching social media campaigns that have emphasized Oz’s ties to New Jersey and minimal ties to Pennsylvania. One of his best bits is going to every rest stop in PA and tweeting pictures of himself in front of the map of PA at each one with a cardboard Oz head on a stick(aka Flat Mehmet), so Oz could “Finally visit some places in PA”.

Last month, Oz was widely roasted on social media after his past tweets about “poop” resurfaced. These tweets were unrelated to incest but it is still strange that this Mehmet guy talks about poop so much.

Oz, who made millions and became a household name as the titular “Dr. Oz” on a show that garnered heavy criticism due to his promotion of pseudoscience, including on the topics of alternative medicine, faith healing and various paranormal beliefs, wrote several tweets about bowel movements in over a decade of being a regular Twitter user.

Editor’s note: This article is sponsored by POOP (Please Oppose Oz Pennsylvania)

Opinion: It’s Time to Repeal the Third Amendment

By Evan Rafferty

Okay, okay, settle down now. I know that all of you 3rd Amendment stans might take this the wrong way, but I can assure you that I will have changed your mind on this subject by the end of the time we have together. You guys had a good run! In its time, big number three was the best of the best – the cream of the crop of constitutional commandments. But, to state the obvious, times have changed. In light of the COVID-19 pandemic that forever changed how we view social interaction, I believe it to be time to change the way we think about our amendments as well – and allow ourselves to have friends again. 

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, because you slept through your U.S. history lectures in high school because your teacher wouldn’t stop complaining about their divorce, allow me to fill you in on the basics. The 3rd Amendment was ratified (an archaic word referring to a process in which big rats gnaw on a wooden box containing a scroll with the amendment written on it – if the rats get through the box before the new moon, the amendment would be accepted) in 1791 (an archaic number referring to the concepts of ‘years’ which no longer have any meaning). It was proposed in response to some British people being weird and annoying, so, as good a reason as any, I guess. The amendment itself says:

“No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”

What? Still don’t get it? I should’ve known that my younger audience couldn’t possibly understand the incredible nuance of the great writers of yesteryear. Allow me to translate:

“The redcoats keep getting in through the crack under the door and eating all of my baked goods. I’m going to pass a law to ban squatting because I’m selfish.”

Got it? Good. Now we can debate like true constitutional scholars.

We as a people have been shut off from the rest of the world for the past two years. The concept of real life has been long lost to the void, and any human socialization has been neutered into a shameful replication of how the world should be. I’m not saying the third amendment is to blame, but it has been in the Constitution for the entire pandemic. Coincidence? Let’s find out.

My plan is simple: repeal the amendment, and then set up a government organization to match people living on their own with a nice soldier friend! The FBI can just compare all of the data they have on us with our new soulmates – and boom. The loneliness caused by the pandemic is instantly solved. You and General Bestie can live out the rest of your days together, in a government-assigned paradise. They might even be attractive – or even better: not part of the alt-right!

I’m lonely. Yeah, I can admit it. I’m secure enough in my loneliness to be able to say that. Are you? I bet not. Coward. Repealing the 3rd amendment is crucial to restoring the broken psyche of the American people. Most people are too scared to admit it, and that’s why we need the power of the federal government – we all know that only good things can happen when they get involved. 

If you don’t like having friends, then you don’t have to agree with me. I understand your concerns (I’m an empath) and can admit when I might be wrong. If the plan doesn’t end up working, we can just repeal the repeal, no big deal. Remember when we banned drunk driving in the ’30s? What would America be without it? 

All in all, I think it’s worth a shot. Some of the people in the military are pretty cool! I met this one guy who was in the Air Force, and he gave me my first cigarette if I promised not to tell my mom that I let him out of the basement. You’re gonna tell me that you don’t want to have that guy living with you? Friends are necessary for people to expand their mental boundaries and make intimate connections that are oh so rare these days. If you’re sympathetic to my views, consider joining the movement and ask your congressman to repeal the 3rd amendment. We’re always looking for more people to join our team of people who appreciate the government agents that are living in my walls.

What the Writers of the Pitiful News did for Mother’s Day

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the MILF Lover Associated Press)

• Found my dad (He was just in the milk isle and got distracted while getting the milk)
• A box of chocolates, but all the chocolates are poisoned because love is painful sometimes 
  • “It’s like Mama always used to say. ‘Life is like a box of Chocolates, sometimes you get poisoned’” 
• Gallons upon gallons of lean 
• Went out for some bad Italian food 
• Made a handmade card (glitter bomb)
• Got her (me) Playboy Carti tickets
• Proposed to her 
• A bed
• Breakfast 
• Breakfast in bed 
• Bed in breakfast 
• A new bed to replace the one we ate for breakfast
• Eggs 
• Lizard eggs
• Wrote her a very special song about how much I need more money to spend on drugs (this is the last time I swear)
• A framed picture of her divorce papers 
• Asked her if she thought I was a good person
• Complained
• Made a snide remark about the way she dresses (payback)
• My kids got me a dozen roses
• A macaroni necklace but I got hungry and ate all the macaroni
• A macaroni necklace but the noodles were cooked and it got all soggy and gross
• A macaroni and cheese necklace
  • Made with 100% real string cheese
• I put together some legos and showed my mom a meme 
• Sent a few emails
• Made some babies of my own 
• Bided my time until the old witch passes and I get my share of the family fortune, mwahaha
• Another mom
• Overturned Roe v Wade 
• Made a mess in her room and yelled at her to clean it up 
• Stood in front of the tv that she was trying to watch 
• Leaked a Memo from the Supreme Court 
• Got a mullet just to spite her 
• Your Mom
• My Mom
• My Sister-Cousin-In-Law-Wife 
• Helped my cat give birth to a new litter
• A reminder of how there’s no Child’s day and how completely unfair that is 
• Gaslit her into thinking Mother’s Day was next week to give me more time to come up with a gift
• A tattoo that says “I 🧡 mom”
• A tattoo that says “I fuck goats”
• A huge, tight hug (she got sleepy during the hug but she’ll wake up later)

The Most Important Questions Recruiters Will Ask You (And How To Answer Them)

By the Future American Workforce (Formerly the writers of the Pitiful News)

• Why do you want to work for our company?
  • I don’t. I’m infiltrating your office so I can destroy this institution from the inside. You won’t be able to stop me. 
• What’s your favorite color?
  • Blood.
• What would you like to be paid?
  • Money. 
• Do you have any hobbies?
  • Obtaining Blood 
• How will you contribute to a positive workplace?
  • I can play the harmonica. (The recruiter will ask you to play Piano Man.)
• Can you be trusted around explosives and dangerous chemicals?
  • Yes. I love explosives. I mean, I enjoy them the average amount.
• Where are you from?
  • I’m from, you know, around. Here and there. (The recruiter will be intrigued by the mystery of your backstory.)
• How often would you be willing to work overtime?
  • Any time. I would kill my firstborn child for this company. (The recruiter will value loyalty and passion.)
• What’s your Hogwarts house?
  • I’m a Gemini rising. (Most recruiters will value someone who is knowledgeable about astrology.)
• How confident are you in your ability to dodge punches or kicks?
  • Wh- (The recruiter kicks you to test your endurance.)
• What’s your favorite food?
  • Whatever your mom is making for dinner tonight (The recruiter will be flattered that you enjoy their mother’s cooking, missing the sexual innuendo.)
• Would you consent to being monitored throughout the day on your performance at work?
  • Yes. I love when they watch.
• Are you a fan of any sports teams?
  • I’m a huge Steelers fan! (If asked to name your favorite player, panic and say the stupidest, fakest-sounding name that comes to mind, like Ulysees Gilbert III.)
• How confident are you in your ability to avoid sexual harassment citations? 
  • Very.
• Would you agree to be paid in Scooby Snacks?
  • Res.
• Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or ten duck-sized horses?
  • Go for the duck-sized horses. You can jump on top of a nearby dumpster and easily snipe them from above. 
• How would you solve the trolley problem?
  • Personally introduce yourself to everyone on the track, and ask them for a reason why they should be allowed to keep living. No matter the answer, kill them all. Anyone dumb enough to get tied to railroad tracks has it coming.
• Are you willing to commute from Pittsburgh to Texas on a daily basis for this role?
  • Yes. 
• If chosen for this role are you willing to undergo intensive drug tests?
  • Yes, what drugs do you want me to try? I am a very studious person. 
• If chosen for this role are you willing to have your employee id tattooed on your skin to ensure the security of our facility?
  • Yes. 
• Do you have any relevant experience in this field?
  • Uhh, yeah. I invented [field]. 
• What’s your snap score?
  • (Immediately leave the building and never return.)
• How good are you at keeping aliens a secret? Oh, wait, no! Bill, get the mind erasers from the documentary Men in Black.
  • Did you say something? 
• Have you seen the muffin man?
  • The muffin man?
    • The muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?
      • (Immediately leave the building and never return, non-Shrek fans are not to be worked with)
• How competent are you with Microsoft Excel?
  • Well, heh, I guess you could say that I, heh, ha, haha, hahahahaha, hahhahahahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahaaaahhahahahaha, AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA, don’t know how to use it at all.
• Are you familiar with the OSHA regulations of this workplace?
  • OSHA? I hardly know ‘a! (The recruiter will hire you instantly for this timeless joke.)
• F, Marry, Kill: Elmo, Oscar the Grouch, Big Bird?
  • My lust for Oscar the Grouch has no limits so I would f him, I would marry Elmo and kill Big Bird, there is only one Elmo and only one Sscar but Big Bird is easily replaceable by one of his many cousins who are better than him, and some even speak Portuguese. 
• If I a man, transition into a woman and let the homies hit, then I transition back into a guy, does that make the squad gay?
  • What? 
    • Ketanji Brown Jackson, please answer the question.
• How many times did the white team pass the ball?
  • 9!
    • But did you see the gorilla?
      • Yes, I took a psych class!
        • How about the fact that the balls were cake the whole time?
          • Woah!!!! 
• I will give you one marshmallow now but if you can wait until the manager comes to interview you, they will give you another marshmallow.
  • (They don’t know I know this trick) Ok I will wait. (little do they know I brought a bag of marshmallows to this interview like I do everywhere I go in the likely case that I stumble into a hidden camera show or psychology experiment)
• Here at Milgram Tech we like to do interviews a little differently. We want to see how good you are at following directions. So we have an intern in the other room, it is your job to quiz him on various tech things and if he can not answer them correctly you will shock him and define in your own words the actual answer. Every time he gets one wrong you will shock him and every time he gets one wrong the intensity of the shock will go up.
  • Yes sir. 
• Have you ever been published in a satirical or comedic newspaper?
  • No, who would do that, what kind of lame anti-American person would write satire, pssssh not me! 

Study tips for the overworked, exhausted Pitt student(Updated to contain the insights of King Magma Cum Laude)

By the Overworked Exhausted Writers of the Pitiful News: original article: edits made in bold

Toilet Paper Nightly File Image

4-20-2022

It seems that as soon as the academic year starts, we have to say goodbye to it, and these last few weeks of the spring semester are like dragging a half-dead horse to the watering hole. If, like me, you can barely put one step in front of the other, you’re probably finding walking impossible.

I was never much of a studier, if I’m honest. I can’t do long stretches of looking at the decay of the natural world around me. In the college world, we all have to figure out our own method that gets us through the layers of Hell — and I’ve developed a few of my own that I hope work. I don’t know, I’ve never used them.

Instrumental music only

This is a relatively common suggestion for people who like to study with music — and it’s a super lame one. I find, more often than not, if I’m listening to music that consists mostly of vocals I’ll get easily assassinated. Yes, it’s fun to belt out to Gregorian Chants 8D audio, but not when you’ve been working on an article on study tips for three hours and have only written a paragraph.

So, soundtracks. These are my favorite kinds of songs to listen to on the toilet — my Spotify wrapped each year is topped by my local dominatrix — but even if they’re not your usual bread and butter, give it a try for study time. Instrumental soundtracks from big blockbuster movies, like The Human Centipede, Cartoon Running Sounds 10 Hours, Cats Purring, La La Land but it takes place in Nazi Germany, Marry Me (the new Owen Wilson JLO movie), or the Jeopardy Theme on 12x speed, can give you some much-needed inspiration. And if you’re not feeling up to that, you can go a little more vanilla with other genres of porn. There’s a reason parents tune into Mozart and Yo-Yo Ma playing with themselves for their babies — it’s all good for the head(s).

If you don’t know it by midnight, you don’t know it

You all-nighter people might disagree with me, but I’m going to my grave with this one, you know what they say, “early to bed, early to rise, early to grave is what they surmise”. Staying up all night to study for something isn’t going to do you any good. You’ll feel horrible the next day, and it’s detrimental to your thinking — which you definitely need for planning on how to cheat on your exams.

If you’re still studying and you’ve gotten to that midnight mark, it’s probably a better bet just to give up and fail. Night owl or not, it’s finals week — you’re stupid, you’re an idiot, and you don’t deserve a break (KIT KAT). If you don’t know it, you are a failure. It is the end of the world. People have gotten to a lot of cool places in life by winging it, sometimes you need to take that leap, right off a cliff like I will be doing if I get anything less than a 95%. =)

Get your finals done before the due dates

This one is especially pertinent for people without in-person finals, like myself, who are going home before the week of finals officially starts because I’m better than you. You’ve probably heard this lecture from your parents a billion times, but it really is better to wear protection and finish early. This applies to your finals, too. Editor’s note: This is a misconception. I personally get all my best work done right before the due date. If the teachers did not want us to do it so late, they would not plan all the office hours right before it is due.

If you get your finals — the ones you can do early like essays or final projects — done before the due date, you won’t be so stressed trying to scramble everything together the day they’re due. What I try to do is travel to random funerals and collect eulogies, and use them as excuses for missing the deadline. Or, you could write down all the dates your finals are due on a post-it or a piece of paper and plan to have each final finished the day before it’s actually due. Then throw that in the fire, along with all of your hopes and dreams, you are worthless. Oh wow, the fire is getting pretty big. Oh wait, are those the sprinklers? Oh no, someone call the fire department. Here is their direct line: 1.877.527.7454. Then by the time the actual due dates roll around, you have nothing to worry about. Except for that fire.

Reward yourself with a gift

Now, this “gift” can take many forms. My gift is I get to go “home” and as far away from this city as I can for the “summer” once all of my work is done, because I’m a nerd who doesn’t like Pittsburgh for some reason. It doesn’t have to be that, of course. I would discourage you from rewarding yourself with food — don’t use dinner to motivate, because that can cause some “unhealthy” habits, such as eating.

Instead, do other things, such as a $50 online “shopping” spree, after my daddy gives me money. I always like to reward myself with a couple new shirts and shorts for the summertime. Cause I’m a summertime boy. Or maybe a nice axe and a ski mask that you’ve been eyeing. But it doesn’t have to be clothes — it can be literally not clothes. Video games are another good one, if you’re weird and don’t shower. That’s a $60 to $80 sin, and after the semester we’ve all had, one that is truly unforgivable.

Editor’s note #2: Where are you finding these games, every game nowadays is either 99 cents or 400 dollars. Like that new Saints Row game that is so realistic that you actually go to real jail for the crimes you commit in the game. Or the latest update to Minecraft where you can have sex with the dolphins added in the previous patches. Or the new LEGO Star Wars game that is just sexy jar jar binks. Or the new Among Us hate crime DLC. Or Fortnite but you have your parents’ approval and support. Or League of Legends but you can get a girlfriend who does not “go to another school”. Or Call of Duty but now you can feel when someone is tea-bagging you, like all over your face. Or even Tony Hawk Pro Skater but this time he unicycles. 

What the radical left is talking about right now

By Lord Tyler and Evan, current members of the radical left

• CRT
  • Contagious Rice Thief
  • Crunchy Rectum Therapy
  • Cats Regard Tyler
  • Cunt Rebranding Team
  • Capitalism Ruins Teens
  • Couch Relaxation Technique 
  • Can’t Rush Tequila!
• BLM
  • Big Long Manhood
  • Barry L. Manilow
  • Buford Loves Margaret
  • Bussin Limbo, Mama
  • Bussin, Limbo Mama
  • Bussin, Limbo, and Mama
• GOP 
  • Good Ol’ Pussy!
    • They do be putting their whole Conservitussy into things these days
  • Gathering Of Porcupines
  • Grandma Opening, Please
• GUNS
  • Grandma’s Underwear Needs Sewing
  • Gotta Ucatch Nem’ Sall
  • Gary oak is an Ugly Narcissistic Sellout
• ACLU
  • American Clitoris Locator Union
  • All Cats Love U
  • American Cat Lovers University
  • Actually Cucking Liberty University
• DOJ
  • Department of Jingles
  • DOJa Cat
  • Department of Jangles
  • Douchebags of Jesus (Mormons/LDS)
• CIA
  • Confederate Istates of America
  • Confederates In America
  • Closeted Irish Aristocrats
• CDC
  • Cock Dong Cock
  • Cock and Doll Corture
  • Craving Dat Cream
• CBD 
  • Convention on Biological Diversity
  • Cock and Ball Dorture
  • Craving Beautiful Dames
  • Canadian Ball Dockers
• Fauci
  • Frail Aged Uncle, Circling Inside
  • Flamboyant Americans Usually Create Ideology
  • Fortnite Ambush! Use Crossbow, Idiot!
• USPS
  • US have long PeniS
  • Uhhhhhh spspspspspspspspspspspsp
    • Here Kitty Kitty
  • Unattractive Serial Pedophile Stalkers
• RBG
  • Red Breen Glue
  • Real Boss Girl
  • Registered Bloomfield Gentrifier
• RGB
  • Ruth Gater Binsberg
  • Rebellious Girl Bosses
• SLAY
  • Sucking Legs All Year
  • Serious Licking Around Yonder
  • Sad Lad, All Yucky
• ACB
  • All Cats Beautiful 
  • All Cats Baby
  • American Conservative Bitch
  • American Conservative Bible
• KBJ
  • Kazakhstani Bong Juice
  • Klu Bucks Jan
  • Kite Banjo Jam
  • Knife Battling Joust
  • Krazy Balls, Jim!
• NAACP
  • National Association for the Advancement of Cucks and Predators 
  • National Association for the Assassination of Californian Policemen
• NRA
  • National Racist Association (too easy)
  • No Rats Allowed
  • Nato Rascal Alliance 
• NATO
  • Not Acting, Terribly Oily
  • Neil patrick harris, Anya taylor joy, The rock, and Oprah
  • Nobody Actually Touches Oprah
  • Nice Tits
• NCAA
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Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher to step down in summer 2023 (Updated to contain information we got from Galigator himself)

by the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Galigator Fan Club’s news arm) original article: edits made in bold

TPN File Photo

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher trying to hold in a fart (unsuccessfully) at the February 2019 meeting of the Gaggle of Trustees.

APRIL 7, 2022

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher will step down from his position in summer 2023, he announced Thursday morning while wearing 4 trench coats.

The University’s 18th daddy will have served nine years in office and plans to remain at the University as a full-time faculty member in the Dietrich School of Arts and Sciences’ Department of Blasphemy and Astrology. The Board of Trustees is expected to kick off a national search process with the goal of capturing Gallagher before his escape to Mexico.

Gallagher said in a Thursday message to the University community that serving as chancellor is “fucking stressful and unrewarding,” yet also “a very easy way to embezzle university funds, and it can be all-consuming to ignore issues consistently, for a long period of time.”

He acknowledged the announcement could be “welcome” to many, but said the decision was “based.”

“It is important that I cryogenically freeze my body before my energy, commitment, and attention to the work at hand begins — a move that would be detrimental both to me and to the broader University,” Gallagher said. “I am very proud of where Harvard is today and wish I could dean for them instead, so I think the University is well positioned for a new leader to take violent control.”

Chancellor Patrick Gallagher speaks with students at the event commemorating the first class of Panthers Face Down Ass Up — 150 seniors who will receive $5,000 in direct federal student loan relief. (Bader Abdulmajeed | Staff Photographer and Lord Tyler | Lead Purveyor of Fake news)

The last few years of Gallagher’s tenure as chancellor included many complex situations on campus. Graduate students fiercely protested Taco Tuesday, while faculty members overwhelmingly agreed that it made them very gassy during lectures. He has also steered several cars. And a message from the chancellor last Friday claimed that Pitt’s state funding, which provides reduced tuition to in-state students, would be decided in a Squid-Game style tournament, of which he will be participating in.

Gallagher #59 joined Pitt in 2014, succeeding Mark Nordenberg (of Nordy’s Place fame) as chancellor. He previously spent many years in public service, including as director of the National Association of Reading and Diction Research (NARDS). He holds a bachelor’s degree in being weird from Benedictine College in Kansas and a Ph.D. in nerdology from Pitt.

Gallagher’s announcement follows a leadership transition at Penn State, also a Pennsylvania state-related “university,” which will have a new president beginning next month.

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher walks onto the set of Shark Tank, looking to gain $5,000 for a 20% stake in the University. (TPN File Photo)

The chancellor launched many different initiatives during his tenure, such as the Pitt Success Pell Match program with Provost Ann Cudd, in which the University matched students named Pell with potential mates.

Gallagher also created several long-term programs to build for Pitt’s future. He built a mediocre stool in Pitt’s wood shop, an ambitious program to rehabilitate his knees after standing for too long. The University also gained City approval for a long-term institutional master plan to guide construction for his new Mechsuit over the next few years. The first strategic Plan for Pitt was released in 2016, with a second version published last summer, and with construction projected to continue into the year 2089.

Robin Kear, the Senate Council president, said members of the body “didn’t invite him to the meeting” and politely asked him to leave. 

“We are particularly grateful for the chancellor’s commitment to shared governance and we have enjoyed working through issues of importance with him,” Kear said. “We are glad to hear he will be remaining with Pitt and wish him all the best in his new role. We anticipate a smooth transition to new leadership during the next academic year.” Kear said all of this and then briefly excused himself from the room, not realizing he was behind a glass wall he jumped up and down with his arms raised and screamed with delight, he then returned to the room and acted like the previous minute had not happened. 

Student Government Board President Harshitha Ramanan said the board is saddened that Gallagher will leave his role, and said they have “fond memories” of working with him on projects. These projects include: screwing over students through tuition raises, screwing over students with organization name changes, screwing over students by not investigating corruption and sexual assault claims, screwing over everyone with confusing mask and vaccine mandates, and screwing over students by eliminating all of the good classes.

“In my time in SGB, working with the chancellor has been like taking candy from a baby,” Ramanan said. “Although it was a surprise to hear that he plans on stepping down next summer, I am excited for all his future students because I am sure he is going to be a great professor and he definitely has a lot of wisdom to impart on students from all of his experience. You can stop quoting me now. Did that sound believable, I don’t think that man could teach a horse how to walk with 4 horses as his TA’s. Wait why are you still writing this down, no stop, don’t tell anyone how I really feel.”

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher, the first guest on the show “Pitt Tonight,” is left hanging for a high five for several hours during the event. (TPN File Photo)

Mary Ellen Callahan, the vice chair of the Board of Trustees exercising the duties of the chair, said she is “grateful” for Gallagher’s leadership running the University.

“Pat has that rare set of skills that enable him to see around the corner while also engaging in the day-to-day activities of running a multibillion-dollar organization like the University of Pittsburgh,” Callahan said. “In this and in many other ways, his tenure as chancellor has been transformational to Pitt. He has been visionary with his plans, pragmatic with his approach, and engaging at every level.”

Louis Cestello, the vice chair of the Board of Trustees, said Gallagher’s time as chancellor was “a mistake.”

“I admire him greatly, and I try to emulate his principles of sigma male grindset and survival techniques in my daily life,” Cestello said. “He is one of the leaders of all time.”

Neighboring university administrators also offered Gallagher kind words, including Kathy Humphrey. She served and was a member of his senior leadership team and the secretary to the Board of Trustees. Humphrey, now president of a secret sect of pro-Gallagher loyalists, said Gallagher’s commitment to increasing Pitt’s accessibility and affordability has allowed “countless Pennsylvanians” to Pennsylvanian.

“Pat’s north star has always been that universities should not be ‘ivory towers,’ but really cool treehouses and mom you’re not allowed in the tree house it’s just for us and oh thank you for bringing us pizza rolls ok yes we’ll be inside by 7 thank you mom where students, scholars, business and community members can work together to leverage knowledge for society’s gain. It should be noted that he also hated students and would frequently undercut any attempt they made to advance, most heinously when he killed 37 students execution style in his office for withdrawing from freshman seminar. Some other examples of his feelings are: when he made all students at the homecoming dances dance with balloons to “leave room for Roc”, when he slept with Lonica Mulinsky and then committed perjury when he said “I did not have sex with that woman”, and when he embezzled 75 billion dollars from UPMC to to pay for scale manicures.   It is a vision that he has realized at every turn,” Humphrey said. “His sincere determination to developing a culture of equity, diversity, and inclusion continues to transform Pitt. I cherish his leadership and friendship, and I am honored to have walked beside him.”

Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher throws the first pitch at the Pittsburgh Pirates “Idiot Night” in July 2016. (TPN File Photo)

In his community message, Gallagher described his next chapter at Pitt as “like watching a fish flopping around on the Santa Monica sidewalk.” 

“While change can be uncomfortable, we are facing it together — from a position of missionary” Gallagher said. “Meanwhile, 2023 is still a way off, and we have plenty of things to do — together. Wink wink.”

I’m a Russian Sleeper Agent

By Lord Tyler Sikov (Formerly Lord Tyler Sikovitzsky)

I don’t want to sound ungrateful but, I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I mean this is not new, I have been waiting for years and I have not gotten any more instructions. Also, now seems like a bad time to bring it up considering what is going on in the world, but I want to help. I have been a Russian sleeper agent for a long time now and they still have not activated me. Am I doing something wrong? Did they forget about me? President Putin has a lot on his plate right now, why do you think he needs so many increasingly large table. I wish he would send me a snapchat message or even post that he still cares about his sleepers around the world through an Instagram story or live.

I will do anything for Mother Russia. That is why I stormed the capitol last year and replaced all the congress people with Jell-o molds of themselves. That is why I collected boxes of incriminating evidence on Joe Biden in the event that Russian wanted to elect Trump again. I was the one who wrote the joke Seth Myers told at the Correspondence dinner about Trump never getting elected. I even committed voter fraud in 2016 to make sure he got elected.

I am not asking for a promotion or even some recognition. I just want to put it out there that I have been going above and beyond what I have been asked to do, and yeah, maybe I want to be noticed by Daddy Putin. I built and launched Sputnik and Senpai did not even notice me. At that time he was just the head of the KGB but we all knew he was going somewhere. If they refuse to acknowledge or use me the least they can do is pay for all the melatonin I have had to use. Contrary to its name, it is hard to sleep as a sleeper agent.  

Overall, if trying to destroy American democracy multiple times does not get me noticed I don’t know what will. I am taking suggestions.

Music Categories at the Grammies you have never heard of

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Soul Patrol)

• Christian Workout Motivation: The Pontius Pilates
• Lo-Fi Death Metal: Adorable Smegma
• Hyper Peruvian Rock Opera: The Rise and Fall of the Andes Mountains
• Acoustic Electronica: Daft Pluck
• Trap: Mice, Bears, other Vermin
• Bubble Pop: Puff Daddy 
  • We mean P. Diddy
    • Wait Just diddy 
      • Let’s just call him Sean Combs 
• Cherry Pop: R. Kelly 
• Lolli Pop: The Chordettes
• Dune: Dune
• Comedy: Louis C.K.
  • No, that’s real. 
• Tiktok Music: That Blonde Girl
• The twist: M Nite Shyamalan 
• Best Song Played in a Commercial: Home Depot
• Best Political Anthem: Barbie Girl by Aqua
• The Charleston: The Tiki Torches
• Worst soundtrack: Two Silly guys on an Island 
• Most obvious song: I’m Gay by Girl in Red 
• Loudest coming from that closet over there: Sweater Weather 
• Caused most breakups: A tie between Taylor Swift and Hoizer 
• Ska: 14 Guys with Metal Drums
• I have too many kids: Jim Gaffiagan  
• He was a Skater boy: She said see you later boy 
• Best Fight Song: Chris Brown 
• Best song for Deaf People: NPR talk radio
• Person Mentioned in the most rap songs : God 
• Person Mentioned in the most rap songs (Who is not God): Jesus 
• Person Mentioned in the most rap songs (Who is not God or Jesus):Monica Lewinsky
• Lifetime achievement award: Shane McAnally
• Worst Instrumental Version: Pentatonix    
• Best Overall: 12 hours of cats purring