Queer Restroom Vandalism Raises Fear of Bomb Threats

Parties unknown have vandalized the ground floor restrooms of the Cathedral of Learning. The message “tear down these stalls, tear down these walls—sex segregated restrooms perpetuate heteronormative oppression!” has been written in bold black strokes of permanent marker on the inside of a stall door in the grounds floor men’s room. Meanwhile, the mirrors of the women’s restroom have been covered with the slogan “University, Unity, Urinals!” scrawled repeatedly in various shades of lipstick.

The Pitt police quickly cordoned off the area in a frenzy of activity frighteningly reminiscent of the bomb threats that plagued the university in the spring of 2012, which began with a similar outbreak of restroom vandalizations. So far, investigators have released that the markedly inferior handwriting used by the lipstick vandal indicates that they were assigned male at birth and might be a medical student—noting that the latter obviously implies the former.

Many believe that this incident was timed to test the authority of Pitt’s newly appointed Chancellor Gallagher. Trying to project confidence at a recent press conference, the Chancellor promised that “This administration has a negative one tolerance policy towards acts of academic terrorism, which we take even more seriously that underage drinking. We stand ever vigilant against the threat posed by radical conceptual deconstruction of systemic socially imposed gender identities, and will respond swiftly and brutally to any threats made against the cisgender students of this school. We will not negotiate with trannie-ists. In fact, whenever possible we will turn our heads and cough awkwardly whenever they are mentioned and avoid acknowledging their existence or the unique psychological pressures that they are subjected to on a daily basis. Because we know that no matter how under-represented they are, no matter how superficial our counseling services are, no matter what kind historical persecution or personal trauma they have experienced, we will always remember that they hate us our freudians—cough cough—I mean our freedom. They hate us for our freedom.”

Gallagher went on to reassure the public that the transgender couple who were arrested and then exonerated during the 2012 bomb threats were not responsible for this latest attack. “We have them under constant surveillance and restrict their movements to ensure that they do not participate in any kinds of suspicious activity—like buttseks or tribbing or whatever it is the kids are calling it these days.” Next, the chancellor requested that the press not investigate the current whereabouts of Adam Busby, the man who actually was indicted for the 2012 bomb threats. “Doing so would unnecessarily infringe on the privacy of an clearly unstable individual who has been connected at various times to militant Scottish separatism, the Provisional Irish Republican Army, anthrax hoaxes, bomb threats, actual bombings, and threats against the British prime minister. Seriously, just from skimming his Wikipedia page you can see that this guy is a nutbag and ought to be left alone.”

Gallagher ended the meeting by denying allegations that his appointment to the supreme chancellorship was bankrolled by the academic-industrial complex. He particularly emphasized that the sudden contracting of Statler & Waldorf Inc. to manufacture replacement stall walls and doors for every restroom on campus was “completely coincidental.”

The Greatest Dilemma: 420 vs. Easter

April 20th is usually a day of celebration: mothers, fathers, and children of all colors unite in a dank haze of love and equality. But this year, the celebration is dampened by the interference of one of the only two holidays that the majority of Catholics actually observe. Yesterday, historians made the shocking discovery that 420 and Easter fall on the same day.

 “It is a phenomena that takes place every 990.5 years,” says Dr. Wendell Grassé of the Smithsonian Calendar History Museum, “I could have sworn that we had at least another 30 years before this would happen. I was planning a nice weekend trip to Pottstown, until I looked at my Garfield calendar and realized what day 420 was. It really snuck up on everyone.”

 Tragically, many University of Pittsburgh students were caught off guard as well.

 “My mom bought me a ticket to come home for Easter, but I am not giving up this opportunity to get high on 420,” says junior Amy Pasker, “I gave up weed for lent and I already awkwardly texted that dealer that I slept with that one time. I didn’t just go through all that trouble for nothing. ”

 Father Travis Cherkowicz of St. Paul’s Catholic church believes that getting high, especially on Easter, is purely disrespectful to the Lord. “Jesus should be the only person that is getting risen this Easter Sunday. If you devil’s children want to feel like you are being ascended into heaven, you are going to have to get crucified and do it the hard way!”

 According to Ben Wahlberg of ‘Pittiful News’ “The Jew View,” “The Pitt Jewish community shares similar hang-ups regarding the celebration of 4/20 this year, as it falls smack in the middle of Passover.” From sunset April 14th until sundown April 22nd, Jews will refrain from eating leavened bread, or products related to leavened bread, called chametz (pronounced chhhhchchgh).

 Rabbis are in great conflict over whether the leavening one feels after consuming marijuana breaks the sacred commandments of the holiday. “If our ancestors fleeing Pharaoh did not have time to bake their bread, how do you think you have time to bake your head!” answers witty Conservative Rabbi Shmuel Goldbergmanstein.

 In stark contrast, Reform Rabbi Beth “Radbi” Rosen has stood firm on her view: “The law says don’t eat leavened bread. Weed sure wasn’t leavened bread last time I checked! Moses’s journey started with burning bush; sounds like appropriate remembrance to me.”

 Though both Catholics and Jews have not come to a consensus, one thing is for certain; there will be a whole lot of guilt this April 20th.

“It’s a Small World” Celebrates 50 Years: A Look Back at Other Classic Disney Rides

“The Wonderful World of Westerville, Ohio” Epcot

“Hi, I’m Walt Disney. Did you know that Westerville is a suburb outside of Columbus, which is a town in Ohio?” These magical words have inspired so much whimsy and awe in our little ones that it would be a crime not to include The Wonderful World of Westerville, Ohio in our must-ride list. The Wonderful World of Westerville, Ohio gave guests the unique opportunity to see what it’s like to walk on a sidewalk, look at a post office, and see a fire hydrant!

“Aladdin’s Half-Brother Alan’s Cave of Magic Carpet Samples” Magic Kingdom

Sure, we all know and love the story of Aladdin, but few of us can forget the classic Disney tale of Alan, Aladdin’s brother by marriage, and his incredible cove of Berber rug samples! Take a trip into this carefully-designed mega fortress of fantastic fabric. Some of the rugs have stains, but Alan will try his best to claim that none of the stains are blood. Don’t believe Alan. Alan is a liar. Fun for the whole family!

“Journey through the Laminator!” Epcot

Not only has this ride received five-star ratings from the Xerox corporation for its incredible accuracy, but Journey through the Laminator has provided curious Epcot attendees an immersive experience in what it is like to be covered in molten plastic and have a glittery polymer sheen. Here’s an exclusive Disney secret tip: for extra fun, ask the ride operators to put in breathing holes.

“Nyquil Mountain” Magic Kingdom

Well-received from its inception in 1981, this Disney ride staple requires each patron drink an entire bottle of Nyquil and just sit in a dark room until things start getting weird.

“The Mystical Money Machine” Magic Kingdom

Always a Disney favorite, The Mystical Money Machine allowed Disney visitors to take out their wallets and throw them into a large gorge in the center of the Magic Kingdom. Here’s a fun fact: it is reported that The Mystical Money Machine has earned Disney parks over $2.2 billion over the last sixteen years!

“One Million Monkeys” Animal Kingdom

Closed after a landmark twenty-five years, “One Million Monkeys” gave riders the enlightening experience of entering a room filled with one million monkeys. Though oftentimes, guests reported feeling anxious entering a small room swarming with hundreds of thousands of angry simians, many enjoyed the attraction and did not mind so much that they lost their children inside the ride permanently.

‘Pittiful News’ Final Exam Study Tips

Finals are coming up and “The Pittiful News” did not want to leave you hanging before getting down to business and studying your little bum off. Here are some of our time-tested, old standby exam tips.

1. If you’re stuck on more than a few questions, remember these statistics:  university surveys show that 28% of multiple choice answers are “C” and, surprisingly, over 45% of essay answers are just “Cheese go vroom vroom. Enough with the grenades, Lorraine.”

2. So what if you don’t know the material? Fold your exam booklet into a beautiful origami woodpecker. Your professor will never be tempted to unfold such a masterpiece in order to look at your answers and he or she will give you an “A” for artistic virtuosity.

3. Be sure to use a wooden #2 pencil. Studies have revealed time and time again that touching a wooden pencil allows you to tap into the eternal wisdom of our great, eternal teacher, Father Oak.

4. Try to keep your stress level low after the test has started. During the examination period, unbutton your pants and converse with the student next to you about how wacky your family’s Thanksgivings are.

5. Don’t feel bad if the test isn’t going well and you need to give up. Professors are widely-known for being understanding and will gladly push you on the swings while you talk about your life problems.

Mystery Solved: Baby Pigeons Don’t Exist

Ornithologist Walter Klyuk discovered that baby pigeons don’t exist.

We have all seen the cute kittens and puppies, the pinkish newborn mice, the tiger cubs and bear cubs. We can picture ducklings waddling in line after mother duck, baby chicks the color of the springtime sun, featherless eagle hatchlings in their nest, shrieking for food with their beaks wide open. But what about such omnipresent animals as pigeons? Have you ever seen a baby pigeon, even on a photograph? Why not?

Walter Klyuk, an ornithologist at the National Aviary in Pittsburgh, said this question had been pecking at him from childhood until a year ago.

“In college, the ornithology professors told us that the reason we don’t see baby pigeons around,” said Klyuk, “is that the urban environment is so dangerous that hatchlings are reared somewhere safe and far away and stay there until they’re the size of an adult, and that there are no pictures of baby pigeons simply because the matter is too trivial and obvious for scientific inquiry. But I never bought any of that baloney.”

Suspecting that science had long been hushing up a mystery for fear of being unable to explain it, Klyuk took the matters into his own talons. In a year-long study, to be published in the May issue of Nature, he used cutting-edge satellite technology and the good old “creeping & stalking” techniques to find pigeon hatchlings. What he discovered, he said, was stunning.

“Pigeons hatch adult-sized and mature,” Klyuk said, adding that even the notion of maturity doesn’t quite apply to pigeons because there appear to be no physiological changes during their lifetimes. “Although further studies are still needed to determine what goes on inside the egg, we now know that pigeons lay their eggs in places that no one knows about, such as remote abandoned buildings and the rooftops of hipster stores. The incubation period is by far the longest known among birds and the elastic eggshell expands to the size of a football to accommodate the developing pigeon, which hatches looking no different than a full-grown specimen.”

Samuel Bulferstein, an assistant professor of biology at Duke University, said that although Klyuk’s discovery surprised him, “cases of embryo development to full maturity and beyond have already been documented.” The most famous such case is that of Laozi, the ancient Chinese philosopher, author of Tao Te Ching and founder of Taoism, who reportedly spent 81 years in his mother’s womb and was born an old and wise man.

“This got me thinking: if Laozi was so wise, maybe pigeons are too, maybe they are intellectually and morally superior to humans,” Bulferstein continued. “The signs are there: wise old people sacrifice bread to them, and people at large tolerate their poop and presence in cities while eradicating stray cats and dogs, which suggests instinctive reverence to pigeons.”

Bulferstein said he will bang out a book on the subject by next year, hoping for tenure.

RJZL Sparks Mass Outrage

All over the country people flooded the streets. They shouted and shrieked, shook angry fists at government buildings and police officers, spat on monuments and PLZK’s. They clambered up the Capitol building and felled trees in Central Park.

“People seem to be pissed off by all this RJZL business,” said construction worker Ludwig Mushroom, PhD, JLY. “This government act is certainly the most radical since the MaKLI legislation of the 90’s, but nobody expected such an extreme reaction.”

In Memphis, a man shoved a woman screaming into the crowd; she whipped around and threw punches at him. With a bloodied nose he dodged stones and kicked the woman in the gut and spat at her, but it turned out to be a different woman, and the two women drove him off with clumps of mud. In St. Louis, housewives dangled from the Gateway Arch and shouted obscenities through megaphones. In Chicago, Los Angeles, New Orleans, Philadelphia, crowds gathered on rooftops to pour gallons of paint down on the passersby. Potatoes and noodles were boiled in Yellowstone’s hot springs.

Emily Mzavish, a world-renowned sculptor and bookkeeper, and currently the KEM of RTUCA Inc., called RJZL inconceivably stupid. “RJZL is inconceivably stupid,” she said.
Mushroom also noted that RJZL is culpable for a host of ills from cancer to morons. “RJZL is culpable for a host of ills from cancer to morons,” he said.

A tall area man slapped a short area man across the face, twice. The short area man bolted away, the tall one in pursuit, and tore through an anti-RJZL placard that area college students were painting. The students joined the tall area man and chased after the short area man until getting swept over by an agitated crowd. In Minneapolis, Cleveland, San Francisco, Pittsburgh, people trespassed and loitered. They leaped over fences and cried battle cries at their reflections.

Joseph Blooming, a Denver mailman, reportedly screamed out all the suffering that RJZL would bring.

Graduating Pitt Student Depressed over Having Found a Job that Fits his Major

Hundreds of University of Pittsburgh students will officially become graduates after the last week of April. Dressed-up and lively, brimming with knowledge and ambition, these young men and women will walk out into the long-awaited “real world” to enter the workforce as clerks and assistants, as “valued staff members” with titles as vague as they are euphemistic, performing tasks fit for an eighth-grader and which have little to do with their majors or the classes they have taken. They have been preparing for this during their entire college careers; Brian Samster’s fate, however, proved more tragic.

Samster, who majored in Environmental Studies, inadvertently found a job that fits his major to a tee. “It happened at a career fair, so naturally I didn’t expect much,” Samster said. When he learned that the company, Environmental Studies Research Corporation, hired him to study the environment, “I was so depressed. I mean, why can’t I have a happy future like everybody else? I was so pumped to crunch meaningless numbers at a nondescript building for hours on end, hoping that one day, many years later, I would find a job that would justify my college education—but by that point I would’ve obviously forgotten most of what I had learned and would have to relearn in on my own. So this definitely came like a punch in the gut, for real.”

Clutching at the last straw of hope, Samster said he sent a letter to ESRC to clarify whether his getting hired was due to oversight or document error or something equally accidental. Having spent the last week in bed, Samster does not know whether a reply has arrived.

Pitt to Improve its Ranking through Annual Modernization

University of Pittsburgh’s Board of Trustees, in consultation with a panel of professors, approved a reform package aimed at improving the quality of undergraduate education offered at Pitt and raising its national and international ranking. The report released by the Board summarizes the new laws, which will take effect immediately.

Thus, the common practice of professors requiring the latest and most expensive editions of textbooks is now a requirement for all classes. Brian Shelf, a Pitt professor of something and a member of the panel, said that “the decision was based on numerous studies showing that reshuffling chapters and exercises improves student learning and performance.”

But this was only the tip of the iceberg.

The report states that students will now be required to use the latest versions of everything from notebooks, writing utensils, and calculators, to backpacks and other accessories with the slightest connection to academic learning and performance. Similarly, the University is now required to replace the hundreds of computers in all of its computing labs and libraries with the newest and most powerful available version every year.

“We were alarmed by the University’s low international ranking, which was the main incentive for the reforms,” said Amanda Purplish, the Board’s Chairperson. Because our undergraduate education system is near perfect, and because last year’s nationwide poll showed that Americans are the smartest nation in the world, Purplish said, “arriving at the conclusion that technology is the key was like putting two and two together. Can all those Englands and Japans say their students can use pi to the millionth digit in their homework on the most powerful computers in the world? Can they say their students use top-notch pens and pencils and GPS-capable, nuclear-powered calculators that can graph nonlinear systems of differential equations? Nuh-uh, I don’t think so.”

Although the report notes that the reforms will cause the tuition and student expenditure to almost double, all agreed that “this is the modest and unavoidable price of progress and international prestige,” said Michael Pom, the head of the advising panel. “It’s not like we can lower the tuition at all, and paying more when you already pay a ton doesn’t seem so bad, especially when you don’t have much of a choice. Technology is your best bet when the limit of human mental capacity has been reached.”

Confident in the effectiveness of this reform package in raising student performance and international prestige, numerous colleges and universities across the country are scheduling meetings to discuss and certainly pass similar or even more drastic measures.

That One Paper Will Be Easy

You should not worry about the term paper in that one class you’ve been skipping because lectures are so easy and commonsense, states a report published by all of University of Pittsburgh’s departments, guaranteeing that it will be just as quick and easy as you expect.

“It had come to our attention that some students thought they had to start their term papers as early as two weeks in advance to get a decent grade,” a Pitt official explained. Although the source of this misconception is still under investigation, heads of the departments felt obliged to “remind students some ancient truths in order to forestall unnecessary stress, panic attacks, and existential crises.”

“I just lecture from the book,” commented Travis Bzhabko, a Pitt professor of Canadian Ballet, “but since you haven’t read that either, you can escape the loop by banging out a intelligent-sounding paper on any darn thing you want.”

The report reminds you that the term paper in that one super-easy class will take only about half an hour per page and will roll off your fingertips like an avalanche of beauty. Since the topic is as simple and straightforward as it seems, the best time to begin writing is the night before the deadline.

Unconfirmed: "Chancellor Gallagher" Resume Leaked!

We here at “The Pittiful News” value journalistic integrity. However, when University moles gave us the scoop that some new guy called a “Chancellor” – possibly pronounced “CHONK-ya-lar,” more details to come – was being vetted despite a kinda weird resume, we jumped at the occasion to publish the materials we had so you, the tuition-payer could see his or her (or possibly lizard’s or lizardess’s, again, more details to come) resume. Proceed at your own risk.