I Participated in a Protest against Homelessness this past week

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Black Friday : The Best Technology Deals – The Paw Print

Yes, its true. I, the Lord, did something for the greater good. The day was Thursday the 25th of November in the year 2021. Very late that evening I was wandering past a location that was known for having lots of foot traffic. This night I noticed that there was not a lot of people wandering by, but there were a lot of people sitting on the sidewalk with tents and mobile fireplaces to keep themselves warm. I found it horrible that people would not want to be near these obviously homeless people. I understand that many people see them as dirty but having lived with literal pigs for a few years in the early 300 BCE’s I don’t see the un housed as dirty.

I approached someone near one of the edges of the group and asked if I could join them. This kind man said yes and we began talking about our lives. He said “Well, my kids are back at home but I need to get them something from the store, and as it is almost Black Friday, I felt like this would be a great time to get some good deals on presents.” I found it incredible that even in as trying of times as he and his family must be going through for him to sleep on the streets in these frigid temperatures, he was thinking of getting his children something nice for the holidays as even kids living on the streets should believe in the magic of the holidays. I was also amazed that he and his family were able to call some hard section of concrete or asphalt home. I had never heard of this so-called Black Friday, but coming from a white guy to a white guy, regardless of their living arrangements seemed a bit racist but I have been told that punching down is not a good practice. As for the gifts he planned to get good deals on, the homeless communities must have some complex and difficult for outsiders to understand bartering system.

Once the clock struck midnight instead of some fairytale style transformation for a group of homeless people and their supporters into a city of affordable housing and strong social programs, a light turned on and everyone got up. We all walked into this large warehouse like building filled to the brim with food, toys, clothes and anything else you could want in where you will be living. To my knowledge the have repurposed a warehouse that was used to sell walls at one point, they turned it into a place for the less fortunate to live. As sad as it is to see businesses go under, I am grateful to the previous owners of WalMart for going out of business because of their misfortune, hundreds have found shelter. I said goodbye to the kind man who now has a place to bring his family in from the cold. I left the new homeless shelter feeling good about myself, yes, but feeling good for the state of humanity more.

To Do List Before the New Year:

By the writers of the Pitiful News(Formerly the Pittiful (to do: come up with funny idea for by line))

50 To-Do List Apps and Solutions for Small Business ...
  • Hold people upside down and shake them until coins fall out
  • Mug pregnant women so I can afford bubble tea
  • Fit my good-for-nothing son into the basketball game at the arcade so we can farm tickets
    • My wife will have to come back once she sees all the ring pops I got at the counter 
  • Sing “All I Want for Christmas is You” at least 27 times  
  • Channing Tatum 
  • Pick up milk from the store, say I’ll be back soon
    • ;)
  • Learn how to roll my R’s
  • Be gay
  • Do crimes 
  • Go on some magical adventure and live up the last few days of my college experience  before I become a boring adult like the rest of the world 
  • Buy a new speaker
  • Buy a new Motivational speaker
    • BE a new motivational speaker 
  • Steal Christmas 
  • Eat ass
  • Suck a Dick
  • Sell Drugs
  • Think really hard about buying Christmas gifts, and then wait until Dec. 23rd before placing any orders
  • Panic and give my wife a ring pop for Christmas (see above for means)
  • Learn to rob moon banks 
  • Sign my friend up for Farmers only dot com  
  • Kiss a girl 
  • Miss a Girl
  • Diss a Girl
    • Why would you do this?
  • List a Girl on CraigsList
  • List a Girl on Ashley Madison 
  • Burn down my house and collect the insurance money
    • This is a separate crime from the Crimes to Do from above
  • Use fraudulent insurance money to buy another house
  • Burn down myself to collect the life insurance
  • Buy another me
  • Make a charcuterie board   
  • Watch a fucked up movie and relinquish my right to ever be okay again 
  • Take a bag of mixed cheese and caramel popcorn and eat all the cheese popcorn first because it’s the worst 
    • Then eat all the caramel popcorn like the queen that i am
  • Fuck, marry, kill
    • Not saying who. Could be the same person, could be not 
  • Marry, Be Intimate, Live Out A Loveless Life Because Divorce Is A Sin And Think Of The Children 
    • Be a good Christian 
  • Bed, Wed, Behead
    • Make Divorce Legal
  • Go outside and get hypothermia, just to know what it’s like
  • Try Diet Coke for the first time
    • Don’t tell my parents!
  • Enter my annual winter cocoon 
  • Marry a child
    • Child marriage is legal in all 50 states and only illegal in a few countries world wide
  • Learn sign language so I will finally be able to read books
  • Start a Cult and claim it is just a group of friends
    • YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY 8th article about cults 
  • Exit the physical universe we live in to escape the judgement of others

This Year’s Obituaries

By the Writers of The Pitiful News(Formerly the Pittiful BOOOOOOs)

Printable Happy New Year Squirrel Card Digital Squirrel ...

Woodrow Butim AfraidOfWater

Woodrow was loved by all he knew, except for the MerFolk he committed atrocities against. Mr. AfraidOfWater is survived by a wife, PaddleBoat “Paddy” AfraidOfWater, and 2 children, MerMadeline “Maddie” AfraidOfWater and Drowned “Owen” AfraidOfWater. Woodrow died of dysentery and smallpox.

 

Crispin Fried

Mr. Fried, known to his friends as Bean, wasn’t really a good man, but we have to feature him here anyway. He sometimes smelled bad, and he had a pretty wicked temper, but he was the inventor of an unpopular type of potato chip that you probably haven’t heard of, so he had more money than you can imagine. He died, as you might guess, of several stab wounds, because he was actually a terrible man if we really think about it. He leaves behind a delighted wife, two indifferent children, and a potato chip factory that continues to be unpopular. 

Edgar

Edgar was known to his friends and family only as Edgar. His enemies knew him by a different name, but they refuse to speak of it now that he is no longer here. Edgar died under mysterious circumstances, and even now, we’re unsure of exactly what happened. It was something to do with a stone quarry, a bowl of chili, and a really nice pair of shoes. We wish his family the best and hope they stop grieving soon because it could happen to anybody, really. 

Marley N. Mcdonough

MNM died from an overdose. A peanut overdose, she was deathly allergic. To add insult to injury there is speculation that she was murdered due to her long standing feud with the M&M corporation. She sued them over identity theft and her case had been kicked up to the Supreme Court of the United States. When she won, forcing M&M to change their famed product’s name to Stanley Tucci’s Chocolate Spheres, the Stanley Tucci’s Chocolate Spheres Corporation was not happy. Marley was found to have died due to a peanut Stanley Tucci’s Chocolate Sphere. 

Nick Quick

Nick Quick was not a dick.

He was rather misunderstood

Yes, sure he liked to drive stick

He would help his neighbor if he could

Nick Quick will be missed

Not for what he did but for who he was

He will not be forgotten by those he kissed

He loved people not for personal gain, he loved them just because

Beatrice Ecirtaeb

I had the pleasure of knowing Beatrice personally. She was my eighth favorite little old lady who dressed like Paddington Bear. I think I was the only person she knew. She died doing what she loved – subway surfing the tops of trees like a drugged-up squirrel. To those concerned, we would like to clarify that she did not fall; rather, she was gently impaled on a small branch, and then she sat on a large branch to rest, and then she never got up again. Please join me in mourning her death, and please help me sort through her extensive collection of nuts. I think this woman was actually a squirrel and also a hoarder. There are so many nuts. 

Charlie Smith 

Charlie has yet to die but he will die this year. On December 31st at around 11:58pm, he will fall to his death from the New Year’s Eve ball, which he climbed in his signature daredevil style. When Mr. Smith leaves this world he will take with him over 300 people who were in Times Square to celebrate the coming new year but were in the way of his cratering fall.

What we are thankful for this year

by the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Unthankful News)

Blue's Thanksgiving Feast (Blue's Clues Series) by Jessica ...
  • Nonsqueaky chairs
  • Living
  • Laughing
  • Loving
  • That professor that lets you out of class 5 minutes early
    • The five free minutes of time at the end of that class
  • Patrick Gallagher’s luscious lips
  • The song “Are You Gonna Be My Girl” by Jet
  • Farts that you think are going to be loud but come out silent 
  • Health, wealth, hella bitches
  • Houseplants that don’t die on me
  • My 2 pussies
    • One is a tabby
  • That there are no more spiders for the rest of the year because it’s cold now 
  • My new cult 
  • Being baby
  • My teachers assigning five tests the day I get back from break 
    • 0/5 of those tests on the day back from break 
  • Christmas cards from my childhood dentist
  • 1 out of 10 dentists for being honest and incorruptible
  • Pee pee poo poo
  • Only two more weeks until Giving Tuesday bingo boards are all I see on every social media platform 
  • Extra large pizzas
  • Extra small pizzas
  • Perfectly mid-sized pizzas 
  • Warm cats 
  • Cold otters 
  • Room temperature ferrets 
  • Choo choo soul with Genevieve 
  • Kissing my RD because my RA was busy
  • Lube gogurt
  • All of the hot guys in the cast of “Divergent” 
  • Dairy free ice cream
  • Ice cream with bits in it (like cookie dough or Oreos or brownies)
  • My ice cream cone shaped pipe that I forgot at home
  • Potatoes in various forms  
  • Super gay fan fics 
  • My boy friend’s super gay dic 
  • My future megabus lover 
  • Boys who are exactly 5’11’’ because the ones over 6’ are obnoxious  
  • Shrek 5: Shrek and the I had no idea there were 5 movies 
  • Kit-Kat bars 
  • Words that make sense sometimes  
  • McDonalds chicken nuggies 
  • McDonalds hash browns 
  • Happy meal toys
  • People who do a little stabby stab sometimes 
  • That nobody ever suspected me of robbing that bank
  • Dairy pills 
  • Kissing girls
    • Uh I mean guys
      • Wait no that is gay
        • Great I’m gay
          • Stop this is too many indents
            • Make me
              • *Pushes you up against wall*
    • Babes it can be both <3
  • Harry Styles’ nail polish and skincare line that sounds like a sex toy company name 
  • Dining hall breakfast 
    • Dining hall brunches too 
  • Turkey trot training has been going so well 
  • Pickles
  • Lady Gaga and all of her creative work 
  • All of the random acapella covers of popular songs that I got for free when I was twelve  
  • Meats
  • The bland sterility of Target 
  • Short lines at the Pete Chick-fil-A
  • Nostalgia about how much better my life was when I was younger 
  • Dat Ass

New Royalty-Free Christmas Songs Coming Out This Year (Before thanksGiving)

By The Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Jews)

  • Dingle Smells
    • Bingle Shells
  • Santa Claus is coming to town, but not the part you live in 
  • WAP (Wet Ass Presents)
    • Bring a bucket and a mop, for these wet ass presents 
  • You better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out 
  • Last Christmas (I Ripped Out Your Heart) 
  • I Saw Mommy Get Her Back Blown Out By Santa Claus
  • The Listmas Song
  • Santa Claus is leaving town 
  • She’ll be going around the mountain when she goes 
  • Do it now, lick it good, suck this _____ just like you should (acoustic version) 
  • Have Yourself A Terrible, Big Christmas 
  • Harley Quinn’s Jingling Bell Hat (The Movie: The musical: The series: The Song)
    • by 100 Gecs 
  • Caucasian Christmas
  • We met Parson Brown, he smells bad  
  • All I Want For Christmas is Jews, Baby
  • All I Want For Christmas is Juice, Baby
  • All I Want For Christmas is Moose Babies (they’re endangered!)
  • The Little Bummer Boy 
  • Away In A Hangar (The Pilot’s Christmas Carol) 
  • I got my Sleigh License last week, just like we always talked about
  • Grandma Sued the Reindeer  
  • Cocking Around the Christmas Tree
  • Talking Around The Christmas Tree (It’s a boring holiday)
  • Jingle Bell Cock 
  • I Want An Apex Predator For Christmas 
  • MistleHOE   
  • 10 Hours of My Dad Yelling At Me (The Untangling Lights Song) 
  • I’ll Be In The Dorms For Christmas 
  • Elf, the Elf Song 
  • Rudolph’s Noses by Owl City 
  • All I Wanda for Christmas by Vision 
  • Counting Presents by One Republic 
  • Baby Got Back (In Time For Christmas) 
  • Hey, Ghost of Christmas Future by Train 
  • Let’s Marvin Gaye and Get It On (Under the Mistletoe) 
  • Let’s Marvin Sleigh and Get It On
  • Moves Like Santa by Maroon 5 
  • Maps To Your House by Maroon 5 
  • Deers Like You by Maroon 5 dedicated to Rudolph  
    • Run round with Bucks like me till sundown
  • Milk and Cookies by Maroon 5 dedicated to Santa’s love for Sugar 
  • Frosty the Snowman had very lucrative toes 
    • Frosty the Toeman? 
  • Shape of Ewe by Ed Sheepran 
  • Kiss Me (Under the Mistletoe) Baby One More Time by Britney Spears
  • Kiss Me (Under the Mistletoe) Like You Wanna Be Loved by Ed Sheeran 
  • Church Town Funk by Bruno Mars
  • Upward (the Christian dating app) Town Funk by Bruno Mars
  • Christ’s Team by Ed Sheeran 
  • All About That Baste by Meghan Trainor 
  • Memories of Christmas Past by Maroon 56 dedicated to Ebenezer Scrooge  
  • When I Taste Eggnog by Dan and Shay
  • All I Want For Christmas by Olivia Rodrigo, playing Nini in High School the Musical the Series
    • The Series: The Musical: The High School: The Nini
  • 24 Karat Nights of Christmas by Bruno Mars
  • We Found Christ by Rihanna
  • Can you hurry sir, moma’s not got much time, for me to buy her christmas casket
  • Old Town Church by Lil Nas X
  • Call Me JC by Carly Rae Jepsen
  • God’s Plan by Drake
  • The Hanukkah song by Adam Snadler 

Pitt to require COVID-19 vaccination starting Dec. 6 (Updated to contain information we recovered from the ashes of the Irvis fire)

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly Unvaccinated) edits made in bold: original article

What is COVID? No, seriously, what is it. Somebody please tell us. Ain’t that the crow family? (closed captioning provided by PBS kids, the BBC, and viewers like you.) 

(Thank you.)

Please.

NOVEMBER 1, 2021

Pitt announced in a Monday Funday campus wide email that all students and employees must be vaccinated against COVID-69, or receive an approved exemption, beginning Jan. 6th 2021. The vaccine joins the measles, mumps, rubella, chicken pox, ligma, sugma, dysentery, mad cow disease, lycanthropy, death, and meningitis vaccines already “required” by the University.

The move, which takes effect on the first day of classes after Thanksgiving break, followed months of pressure, the build up is very anticipated and once it arrives we can relieve some of our built up juices by replacing it with that good good science semen, from elected campus leaders, who nearly all expressed support last spring by margins wider than a freshman paper that is just under the page requirement. It also comes after some have questioned how, if at all, funding from Pennsylvania’s Republican-led legislature has played into the vaccine mandate trigonometry by state-related universities. The State Senate leader said Penn’s Taint would likely face “hordes of aerial humpback whales” if a mandate took effect, but the state-related university ended up rolling out a fruit roll-up that will also start in December.

Pitt faculty, staff, haters, lovers, mothers, and fuckers who have not uploaded spooof of vaccination are currently required to take weekly COVID-19 vape hits. Negative test results [sic (via Jon Moss)] or failure to get tested results in a resulting loss of access to University buildings and a spank from Patrick Gallagher himself, which critics contend would actually result in an increase to unvaccination rates. Currently, 106% of faculty members, 143% of staff, 6% of undergraduate students, 100% of lizardmen, and 98% of sewer rats have submitted proof of vaccination.

The University said in the email that its current approach is “really stupid.” Chancellor Patrick Gallagator said at September’s Student Council bake sale that the University’s weekly COVID-19 testing program for the unvaccinated was estimated to cost between $20 to $50 million, the majority of which is paid for by the tuition of Pitt’s vaccinated student body.

“By enforcing this requirement now, we will be able to pretend we have a moral backbone while simultaneously bending to the will of mothball-ridden, lobbyist-backed Republicans. We will also maintain a high defenestration rate on our campuses,” the email said, “while continuing to support our students and research, as well as protect our workforce, with minimal disruption to our programs, activities or money-laundering operations.”

The requirement will affect 2,250 students, 420 faculty and 690 staff members who have not disclosed their vaccination status, the email said. We would like to take this time to mention that The University of Pittsburgh has completed their 15 year research into the topic of talking emails, and by George they have done it. Currently enrolled students who fail to comply with the Dec. 6 deadline will not be able to enroll for spring classes (or slinky classes) or live in residence halls as of Jan. 6th, 2022, also known as Put Trump Back in Office 2: Electric Spookaloo. Students who have already enrolled in classes but fail to provide proof of vaccination or obtain a proper exemption will be disemboweled. We will however be keeping all of the money they paid because we value money more than we value teaching in a safe environment like, oh, I don’t know, online. Current employees will be subject to disciplinary action, which will include loss of access to electronic resources and other disciplinary actions up to and including termination of employment, the email said. The talking email strikes again. Also additional disciplinary actions could include: a single spanking, staff being made to listen to the forbidden sound of a banana hitting a kayak, being forced to watch cute puppies and kittens and ducklings playing and not being allowed to touch them, and/or having their arms and legs chained to the roof of Cathy. To find a full list look here.

Pitt community members can request an exemption beginning next Monday from the vaccine requirement for medical reasons, or reasons based on being a massive piece of shit. The email said the Office of Danger, Exclusion, and Iffy Business will review these requests on a case-by-case case-is. Those granted an exemption will be subject to additional midget-station measures, such as routine COVID-19 testing.

The email added that this is an interim policy, and a formal charter and committee are being formed to create a permanent policy. We here at the Pitiful News feel that Pitt is going a bit overboard with this whole talking email thing. Faculty Assembly President “Glad” Robin Kear (of “Batman” fame) said many years ago, on a night much like tonight, that she was part of a group that analyzed the possible consequences related to faculty vaccination requirements, and also noted that she is “glad” there may be a possible vaccination policy.

Kear, who was “glad,” said “Monday” that she is “glad to see Pitt moving ahead with a vaccine requirement to keep the Pitt community safe and healthy.” Kear, who was “glad,” continued to note her support for a mandated vaccine. Kear was quoted as being “glad” at the future prospects for the greater “student” body regarding a future “requirement too” [sick] be vaccinated – something we can all be “glad” about!

Harshitha Ramanan, also glad, the Student Government Board president, did not immediately respond to a request for comment, but did release a finsta story complaining about how uncomfortable the chairs are in many Cathedral of Learning classrooms. A random old man was noted saying, “are you committed to ending ‘finsta?’”

Pitt officials did not immediately respond to a question about whether community members will still need to swipe their Panther Cards in their ass cracks and wait for it to beep when entering University buildings — used to prove compliance with the current COVID-19 vaccine and testing program — when the new policy takes effect in December. Currently, you are not required to swipe your Panther Card in your ass crack, but you can if you want to (heh, sick).

Pitt’s CoVax Vaxxxination Vaccenter is open to the public for the right price, and offers all three COVID-19 vaccines to community members, including a new OnlyFans subscriber tier. The Center accepts both registered appointments, walk-ins (for a quickie), or donations of $50 or less.

What we did to celebrate the win against Clemson 

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Clemsoniful News, Pitt got us in the divorce)

The Cheesecake Factory Menu, Menu for The Cheesecake ...


  • Cured our hangovers by drinking more
  • Made it just in time for Saturday night Mass
  • Reconnected with Josh, the cute guy I met at the game 
  • Made out with ROC
    • And disrespected The Tiger
  • Made out with Kenny Pickett
    • And disrespected the Panther
  • Pregamed on the drive to the frats after (it’s okay, I don’t drive stick) 
  • Locked a band guy in the portapotty, stole his uniform, played the tuba, got to be close to SCOTTY
    • This sounds suspiciously like a sex thing.
  • Bought a $20 hot dog from the concession stand
  • Played Madden to relive the experience 
  • Streaked the field, but with my clothes on and I was also walking
  • Scheduled a rapid covid test
  • Asked for extensions on all assignments, citing Kenny Pickett hysteria as the reason
  • Put blue Mio in the frat juice so everyone would be puking pitt colors
  • Murdered anybody I saw wearing orange
    • Forgive me, crossing guard
  • Created our own victory lights by taking all the string lights from all the dorms 
  • Streaked on Forbes Avenue  
  • Got our flu shots!!
  • Checked my polling place information for the November 2 election
  • Burned down my high school (their colors were black and ORANGE)
  • Rammed through all of the traffic cones in the parking lot…and then realized that the cones were just people in Clemson jerseys
  • Told the shuttle driver to have a really nice night and apologized for the noisy ride back to Pitt
  • Started pregaming for the next game against Miami 
  • Wore the head pieces of fursuits of random college football mascots that have beat Clemson, out of sheer spite  
  • Jumping into the air and shouting “Yipeeeeeeeee!”  
  • Got into an “Okay?” “Okay.” loop with a young teen at the game.
  • Drowned my orange tabby cat
    • THIS IS SO DARK OMG
  • Tried to drown my goldfish, didn’t work
  • Got irrationally angry at a Garfield comic 
  • Pissed my pants
  • Did something a bit gay.  
  • Took down my MAGA flag – Trump’s spray tan teeters on Clemson colors and that is where I draw the line 
  • Ate Frosted Flakes and spit them out because Tony the Tiger can suck my dick.  
  • Perfected my liquid eyeliner skills because I’m a girlboss.  
  • Joined the Cathedral Club so we could bathe our naked bodies in the glow of the Victory Lights 
  • Shared skin care tips with my homies because we all deserve to look glowy <3   
  • Raw Tigered the Tiger (similar to raw dogging but with a tiger)  
  • Did laundry  
  • Lost my virginity 
  • Changed my tinder to guys and gals
  • Upped my body count by so many
    • So many, guys, i have so many more bodies now 
  • Bought blue and gold birds because that seemed like a celebratory thing to do at the time. 
    • Please help me i have too many birds i dont know what to do with them
  • Mugged the guy who won the 50/50 raffle 
  • Buttered my toast bottom side up  
    • Bottoms-up toast hits so good though
  • Left my mom on read, now a SWAT team has kicked down my door killed my wife and I still have not told my mom I am ok 
  • Got a bible verse tattoo to show my thanks to God
  • Snuggled with my cat a bit more 
  • Licked a few random hot dudes  
  • Did the ice bucket challenge  
  • Got ALS  
  • Read my favorite book, the Cheesecake Factory menu
  • Double homicide 
  • Double Homie-cide  
  • Double Tequila 
  • Double Suicide
  • Double 1-800-273-8255 
  • Double-decker cheeseburger 
  • Double-decker Bus 
  • Ate a pizza
  • Got hit by a Port Authority bus 
  • Port Authority bus got hit by me 
    • Physics 
      • Yeah, Newton’s Third Law, I’m smart too
  • Watched Ratatouille
  • Found my virginity: it was in my dirty laundry  
    • It’s always in the last place you look!  
  • Got drafted :(

Tips for Midterm Success

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Platitudes)

  • If you leave your entire test blank, you will get no answers wrong, and the professor is legally required to give you a 100%
  • Make space for other students by sitting as close as possible to the only other person studying on floor 4 of Hillman at 3am 
  • Shit your pants in the middle of the exam to either go to the bathroom and look up answers or distract others with your scent so there’s a higher curve
  • The therapy dogs are there to steal the knowledge from your mind. Do not trust them.
  • If the test isn’t going well, shout “I have COVID!” and take off your mask in the lecture hall. Everybody will leave and the test will be cancelled.   
  • Remember, every exam is BYOB: build your own bomb
  • Take copious amounts of ExLax chocolate tablets to shit out the stupid
  • If you don’t like the score you get back, murder your professor
  • Raise your hand during the test. The professor is required to eliminate 2 of the answer choices.
  • Chew the same flavor gum when you study and when you take the test to remind yourself that you’re an idiot and you will never make it in Hollywood
  • If a parent writes you a note you can be excused from the exam
  • When writing a paper, it is important never to cite your sources – never let “the man” know where you’re getting your anarchist ideas
  • Phrase all your short answer responses as questions, like in Jeopardy
  • Tell your professor how much you are enjoying your reading of the Anarchist Cookbook: keep them on their toes and scared of you
  • Never eat before an exam, or drink water for that matter. It takes up space in the body that should be reserved for knowledge.
  • Keep your in-test flatulence silent
  • Bring binoculars with you so you can cheat off your neighbor easier
  • Clap for your fellow students whenever they finish a question
  • Ask the person sitting next to you to walk on your back during the exam if you get tense
  • If you sleep with your teacher you will get an A
    • Unless you suck at sucking 
  • Keep in mind, there are worse things than getting an F, such as disappointing your entire ancestral line due to low academic performance
    • Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow
  • Bring in cut and dried grass, legumes, or other herbaceous plants to feed your professor – remember: no hay, no A!
  • You might be allowed to nibble on your exam a little bit, as a treat
  • Write all the answers on the back of a white t-shirt, then give said t-shirt to the person in front of you as an early (or late) birthday gift
  • Bring a drink
    • Water is best but vodka can look like water in a pinch 
  • In the last five minutes of the exam, look around and find your classmate closest to crying. Follow them after the exam is over and harvest their tears for the tear god.
  • Smear feces on your ScanTron to throw off the machine
  • Clear the room with a toot and look at everybody’s papers
  • Most professors accept bribes, success varies on how much you initially slide across the table nonchalantly
  • Make snacks the night before, you might get hungry throughout the day!
  • Kill a guy
  • Wear your shortest skirt to distract the boys so they will fail and bring down the curve
  • Pepper spray your neighbor and look at their answers
  • Don’t forget to eat a balanced breakfast on the morning of your exam.  Have both a No. 2 pencil and a pen in your bag.  Read all answer choices carefully and make sure to pace yourself.  Get a great night of sleep and skip the stress by studying gradually beforehand instead of cramming one or two days before.  
  • Sacrifice an animal on your ScanTron to throw off the machine
  • Play video games until an hour before your test and then stare at each page, you can read faster with your unconscious mind than with your conscious one 
  • If you plan on cheating write down someone else’s PittID number
  • Get thee to a nunnery
  • It’s ok to cry a little bit as long as your tears don’t get on your scantron
  • Pray to your deity of choice
  • Use a giant magnet to steal the answers off of your professor’s computer 
  • Use a giant magnet to steal an even gianter magnet
  • Mimic the dial up internet sound to distract everyone while you google the answers 
  • Think of Danny Devito, he might help you  
    • Pray to Danny Devito, he might help you
  • Set your ringtone to the lyrical version of W.A.P. or maybe the acoustic version of my neck my back (lick it) and then have someone call you so you have a good excuse to leave
  • Get on an episode of wife swap and swap your wife with the teacher’s wife, then have your wife do recon and find the answer key to give to you
  • Clip your toenails on your ScanTron to throw off the machine
  • Repel in from the ceiling Catch that Kid style
  • If all else fails, just add mayonnaise 

What goods and/or services are we selling for money?

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Feetiful Newds pittifulnews OnlyFans

  • Oar services
  • Ore services 
  • My lust for Oscar the Grouch
  • A respectful slap on the ass 
  • Turtles
    • The animals or the dessert?
      • Both.   
  • Apples from Amish Country
  • Improvised roasts for when you feel too sexy
  • The classic two-person snore
    • person 1: SNORK
    • person 2: mimimimimi
  • A thick envelope of cash
  • O’er s’ervices 
  • A very boozy Long Island Iced Tea
  • A very tea-y Short Island Iced Booze
  • A side of fries
  • Accurate horoscopes and palm readings
  • Bads
    • What are these?
      • Oh I get it, we sell the bads, not the goods :)
  • A very luxurious fake mustache
  • Zebra muscles
  • Kangaroo muscles
    • They’re so muscley
  • Oral services (you brush em, we flush em!)
  • The entire Cathedral of Learning
  • My veins
  • A mask that says “Booty Shorts” on it
    • Booty shorts that say “My eyes are up here” on them
  • Antique furniture restoration
  • The comments section of an AITA Reddit post
  • Tyler
    • Please somebody take him
  • Deez nuts 
  • Deez brains
  • Our bodies
  • Brony merch
  • NFT versions of our articles
  • Severed feet
    • (They aren’t ours)
      • (Probably)
        • Well they are feet, and we do own them, they were grown on a body that we do own, so these are our feet
  • Dining Dollars 
  • Our organs 
  • $1.23 in Amazon credit
    • Sold for $20
  • Rubber ducks
  • Scale models of Tenochtitlan
  • Ytterbium
  • Unused Pitiful News pitches  
  • The extra vowels that France discarded 
    • Which ones? They use all the vowels
    • Whæte coeauld youe peaussiblie bee taulkynge abeaute?
  • Our innocence
    • And also our youth
  • Counterfeit money
  • Avocado toast 
  • Sore crevices (you ream em, we clean em!)
  • Jokes that don’t hurt your feelings
  • Our sanity 
  • Lard
  • Boar services (you hear em, we spear em!)
  • Bitcoin
  • Bildungsromans
  • The least comfortable chairs in that one nationality room
  • Solving captchas for our robot overlords 
  • The Gospel of Judas
  • The Jospel of Gudas
  • Boar crevices (you… what?)
  • A picture of a campus squirrel eating a waffle fry
    • nature is healing we are the virus
  • Jeff Goldblum impersonators for hire 
  • Cats (2019) fursuit rental
    • They didn’t wear fursuits because they had CGI, actually
    • They didn’t wear CGI because they had fursuits, actually
      • That is what the Biden Crime Family wants you to think
  • Maybelline products
    • Maybe 
  • Maybe some drugs, idk 
    • s  u  r  g  e
  • LuLaRoe
  • “Toothpick holders”
  • 4 small shrimps, with the rice they fried
  • ~Little baby boys~
  • Fake OSHA compliance documents
  • Original stickers
  • Pics of people killed by snake bites
  • Pics of snakes killed by people bites 
  • OChem professor blackmail and extortion
  • Fake medical certificates 
  • Feet pics (check our only fans @pitifulnews)
  • Hand pics
  • Face??? Pics???
  • Bougie tacos
  • A night with the super secret Pitiful News Bimbos 
  • Tickets to our next rager
  • $2 premium hugs 
    • We find someone with a “Free Hugs” sign and stand next to them 
      • The free market strikes again… 
    • 😳 🥺
  • A used car, but it runs like new, we promise… 
  • Pitiful News Premium+ Ultra Platinum Signature Deluxe subscription
  • Tyler’s feudal demesne and the accompanying moat 
  • A 12-month subscription to Quibi
  • Your favorite childhood stuffed animal
  • Death
  • Death with Ads

We spent a night locked in Cathy here is what happened

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Bootiful News) 

An Abandoned church in the Czech Republic filled with ...
  • Scheduled my first colonoscopy along with Dean Bonner for emotional support.
  • Befriended the falcons :)
    • Ate a peregrine falcon as a midnight snack
  • I met Matthew.
  • Felt like the the empty void of Cathy’s hallways matched my true emotional state of mind
  • Tried to make a penis shape with the victory lights but accidentally made a shape that resembles Gilbert Gottfried
  • Called 911 and they laughed at me.
  • Pretended I was a cashier at Lowes.
  • Became a father in a sense.
  • Ran a lemonade stand, made $13.
    • Didn’t make enough to pay taxes, though. I am safe from the IRS for another year.
      • Launder the money thru roblox robux
  • Got up to some devious licks.
  • Tried on every bra in the Lost and Found section.
  • Met the Secret Mole People Society in the basement.
    • They were having a GBM and they were super nice.
  • Went to bed with a striped gown, lit candle, and slept making the noise “snork… mi mi mi mi mi”.
  • Burnt unsold Certified Lover Boy albums for warmth.
  • Performed a very intimate maneuver on the vending machines to get my dinner (it didn’t work, I’m so hungry).
    • Broke the vending machines on the ground floor.
  • Heard someone yell behind me to scan my Pitt card, but when I turned around, no one was there.
  • I wandered from floor to floor looking for the Cathy Club. I keep posting on r/pitt asking how to join and if someone wants to go to a meeting with me, but nobody answered so I had to take matters into my own hands. The closest thing I found was a dead cicada in Room 349. 
  • Nutted in every nationality room.
    • I, um, joined the Cathy Club, with the ghost from the Early American Room.  
  • Did my standup comedy routine. It was the most people I’ve ever performed for! 
  • Stood in the Italian Room and wondered how these guys figured out how to make pizza.
  • Kept the bathroom stall door open while I peed.
  • Unlocked the walk thru walls glitch on the 34th floor mens’ bathroom
  • Found the Pitiful News meeting on Floor 3 (they somehow got trapped as well?)
    • Wait… who wrote this? — Ed.
  • I screamed.
    • It echoed and it was super spooky. I got scared. 
  • Used the Big Girl Potty aka the urinal.
    • Do you guys eat the urinal cake?
      • This is how I got HPV.
    • Yes my fave is red velvet. They have them on the 3rd floor. 
    • I like blue raspberry.
  • Looked out the window and thought “Damn, I am high up”.
    • I was on floor 2, I am scared of heights.
    • I went to floor 5 to feel true fear and I passed out for a couple of hours.
    • I went to floor 420 and thought “Damn, I am high.”
  • Whittled a miniature version of Chancellor Gallagher’s lizard dick.
  • Turned on the lights in every classroom.
  • Turned off the lights in every classroom to save energy. 
  • Broke my femur by rolling down Stairwell F on Chancellor Gallagher’s chair.
  • Realized I was in the WPU, but kept exploring because my mom said to try new things in college.
  • Circumcised myself in the Jewish room.
    • (ow)
  • Got cozy and went to bed. I always keep a snuggie in my backpack just in case. 
  • I met the Zodiac Killer (Rafael “Ted” Cruz) in the basement 
  • Programmed the Victory Lights so they flash to the tune of “Never Gonna Give You Up”.
  • Programmed the lights to flash in Morse Code. 
    • No, I didn’t write “SOS”, I wrote “boobs”.
  • Committed genocide in the Native American room (that’s why there isn’t one anymore).
  • Jumped out a window and instantly respawned inside.  
  • I met this guy, he told me I was a star, he held the door, held my hand in the dark, yeah he is perfect on paper but he is lying to my face, does he think that I’m the kind of girl who needs to be saved. There is one more boy he’s from my past, we fell in love but it didn’t last. 
    • I inducted him to the Cathy Club <3
  • Swapped out all the chairs for giant hacky sacks.
    • Those are called bean bags?
  • Played Cookie Clicker on every computer in the Computer Lab.
  • Used all my printing quota money to photocopy pictures of my ass.
  • Learned the secret code to get to the top floor is 80085.
  • Received a wire transfer for $5,000 in the Nigerian Room.
  • Got my clothes stolen in the Indian Room.
    • Security guard lady ran away when she saw me naked (bruh).
  • Was really really loud (during quiet hours!!!!!)
  • Doordashed myself food and locked the dasher in the 8th floor bathroom.
  • Performed a sad one-man puppet show with my own socks.
  • Kissed a security guard on the mouth.
  • Licked some devious guys.
  • Chained myself upside down from the ceiling of the Commons Room.
  • I discovered an ancient Native American graveyard underneath the building, this explains why the rulers of your university are evil, they have been cursed.
    • … your? University?
  • Swiped right on anybody with a mushroom emoji in their Tinder bio.
    • Mushrooms ARE tasty!
  • Had to fight Voldemort at 3 AM (he got hands).
  • Used the last 2 percent of my phone battery to listen to Double Dutch Bus by Frankie Smith (plz listen nobody listens when I ask them to listen). 
  • Learned how to make accurate bird noises.
  • I took a self-paced course on Gothic architecture. 
  • Did the “pee in my own mouth” challenge.
  • Generally did fun and funky things.
  • Tried to get through a Pitt News article. I fell asleep 2 lines in. 
  • Niddled a widdle piddle.
  • Got falcon punched in the balls. 
    • (ouch)
  • Punched a falcon in the balls.
    • (caw)
  • Only cried for 3 hours watching the Cory in the House anime ending.
  • Found the secret underground passage that leads to the Pitt Druids headquarters. 
  • Jumped off the roof.