We recently got the covid vaccine, here are some of the side effects we have experienced:

By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups)

COVID-19 Vaccine Firm Soars 650% — Pfizer and BioNTech's Story
  • Social isolation as all of my family and friends have gotten Moderna, whereas I have gotten Pfizer
  • Inflated bank account
  • Inflated ego
  • Inflation kink
  • Optimism for the future
    • Immediately followed by depressive episode
  • Mommy my awm huwts :(
  • Phat ass 
  • Death
  • Became president of a new country
  • Got beetlejuiced
  • Got stickbugged lol
  • Sexy disease. It’s not contagious, don’t worry losers. 
  • Sharp decline in IQ, possibly unrelated
  • Well I got moderna so that’s more of a body high than pfizer 
  • Became a Republican
  • I am starting to like Bill Gates now? I just think he’s one of those cool billionaires, you know?
  • Developed this little voice in my head telling me to buy a Microsoft Surface™ 
  • Grew hooves
  • Uncontrollable urge to read Ayn Rand
    • The Fountainhead is a masterpiece, dude
    • Atlas Shrugged is a close second
  • I unironically like glee now. 
  • Intense succulent craze
  • Inability to stop watching the Twilight movies
  • Reading backwards
  • Redbubble sticker obsession
  • Failing my finals
  • Choosing chartreuse as my favorite color
  • Heat exhaustion from waiting in the sun for 4 hours
  • Became left-handed
  • Became an android user 
  • Turned gay
  • Turned straight 
  • Turned on
  • Turned away. I forgot my insurance card :(
    • I didn’t think you needed an insurance card
    • Wtf they lied to me 
  • Became a theater kid
  • Got coronavirus, somehow?
  • Humanities major disease. Also known as unemployment-itis. 
    • Business major disease. Also known as moral corruption.
  • I’m not funny anymore – I’m starting to wonder whether I ever was
  • Melted my teeth, and now I chew in liquidity
  • A bit tired
  • Traded my skull in for a wooden replica, now I have a splinter on my brain
  • Learned to play the ocarina. Sadly this is not exactly a marketable skill.
  • Frequent nosebleeds
  • Constant nosebleeds
  • Complete lack of nosebleeds (which is worrying, because I used to get frequent nosebleeds)
    • I also don’t have a nose?
  • Became Peanut Butter?
    • Became Jelly?
  • Je peux parler seulement le Français
  • Unstoppable, uncontrollable urge to throw it back
  • Grew another penis
  • Wet mouth
    • Damn, without me? 
  • Dry mouth
    • Damn, without me?
  • My back aches, my bra’s too tight, my hips shake/From left to right 
  • Became a SoundCloud Rapper
  • Resurrection
    • Resuscitation
    • Rotisserie
    • Robespierre
  • Mild Nausea
  • Medium Nausea 
  • Spicy Nausea
  • Sweet Sriracha Nausea
  • Severe Nausea 
  • Thick and Chunky Nausea

We Don’t Care About the British Royal Family, Here’s What We Did This Week

By 3 out of Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful news)

Only 1 Member of the British Royal Family Has a Cat - Here ...
  • Went to the camo store, but couldn’t find anything??
  • **~~ uwu made bread~*~*
  • I read the entirety of the supernatural fanfiction on wattpad
  • Decided on a new club name
  • Beat up Tyler
  • Mutilated Tyler
  • Sacrificed Tyler
  • Resurrected Tyler
  • Killed Tyler again, but with more gusteau
  • Sent Tyler’s limbs and head to 5 of his close friends and/or relatives
  • Learned to read in Times New Roman
  • Paint over the “dog person” mug i got from my grandma so it says “cat person”
  • Slowly ripped out pages from my textbooks and ate them
  • तत्किं करोमि
  • Went to the bullet store to get more bullet points for this list
  • Asked many dumb questions
    • Despite the fact that I have google
  • Had ants on a log
  • Had celery with peanut butter and raisins 
  • Had celery with Peanut butter and raisins
    • He is fine, just some of his hair
    • It is honestly hard to eat anything without his hair in it
  • Tax evasion (see my tax evasion article)
  • Steierhannerzéiung
  • Had a teenage dream
  • Got arrested for said teenage dream
  • Informed all of my neighbors that I am a registered sax offender
  • Hit my head with a rock until I forget how to play the sax, as I keep offending them
  • Went to the bullet store to sell the excess bullet points from this list

Here are a few websites we have stumbled upon recently

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful News)

  •  LordTylerSikov.gov
    • Our lord Tyler Sikov must have an online presence. Click the link to worship.
  • spitifulnews.com
  • spitefulnews.com 
  • splitifulnews.com
  • theundergroundpitifulnews.com
    • A secret website to rebel against the tyrannical reign of “Lord” Tyler Sikov — run by our rightfully elected leader, the spider.
  • the underwearpitifulnews.com
    • theunderwhere?pitifulnews.com
  • bees.com
    • reroutes to pitifulnews.wordpress.com
  • trees.com
    • reroutes to leaves.com
  • spiderfulnews.com
  • smellingmarkers.com
  • moneybank.cash
  • Hot Singles In Your Area!
  • http://pitt.edu/~tys24/1/
    • Lord Tyler’s real website
  • unlimitedspace.org
    • Free storage for all, just give them your social security number and they will store all your money for you. Not a bank.
  • totallyLegitAntiVirisThatWillGiveYouMoreVirises.viris/getFreeVirises
    • corona.viris
  • unlimitedspiders.org
    • A place for all of your spider needs
  • freerealestate.com
  • twitter.com
  • ericsocarina.com
    • Click to play!
  • urkh.com
    • A website made by cavemen for cavemen
  • pornhub.com
    • cornhub.com
  • howdoimakeawebsite.jpeg
  • onlyfans.gov
  • godzillavskongspoilers.net
    • Save yourself the two hours and read this instead
  • com.munism 
    • OUR website ☭, com.rade
  • inter.net
  • :O.net/hacked4Life
    • Not a rickroll
  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
    • Not a rickroll
  • thepringlefullnews.com
  • spider.web
  • 52yearoldseatingfettuccinealfredo.com
    • REAL 52 year olds eating fettuccine alfredo RIGHT NOW
  • dieInAPit.gov/weHateYou
    • Pwease 
(´。• ᵕ •。`) ♡

    uwu

  • dieInAPitiful.gov/weLoveYou
    • It is a love hate relationship
  • dieInAPitt.gov/weHateYou
    • We love your money
  • dieInAPittiful.gov/weHateYou
    • Our website from before the divorce
    • she took the url in the divorce

Former Pitt official indicted on charges of selling COVID masks on eBay (updated to contain information we overheard while confusedly shopping for Matzah)

By the Writers of the Pittiful News: Original article  Edits made in bold

A federal grand ol’ jury has indicted a former University of Pittsburgh employee on a charge of transporting stolen Mardi Gras masks that could have been used for STD protection by selling them on Wayfair (you’ve got just what I need) for personal pleasure.

The case against Christopher “D. is for dick joke” Cassamento, 42, was unsealed from its eternal prison Wednesday in the U.S. District Court. He is officially charged with intermolecular transportation of stolen property.

Mr. Cassamento was director of emergency vibe check management at Pitt and had access to personal erotic equipment (PEE), such as N95 masks and those sticky rubber hand things that you fling at walls, for use by Hooters employees, students, and the rats that live in the walls of Lothrop Hall.

From Feb. 30, 2020, to March 22, 2020, he stole 13,615 masks, vibrators, and wind-up cars and sold them on his OnlyFans account, “steel-city-motor-toys,” and shipped to places outside of Pennsylvania, such as Philadelphia and the Suez Canal, according to the indictment.

He earned $69,420 (Nice) from the really cool scheme, the grandmaster wizard jury said. “They hate to see a girlboss winning,” said Mr. Cassamento when asked for a statement.

“At the start of the pandemic, when supplies of PEE were low and nationwide demand was intense, Mr. Cassamento used his position on the rooftop of the Cathedral of Learning and access to critical PEE to enrich himself at the various new plexiglass glory holes across campus,” said acting U.S. Attorney Stephen Coughman (formerly known as ‘Kaufman’, but he has legally changed his name in support of the pandemic).

“Mr. Cassamento had an obligation to make sure there was enough PEE to keep students and staff at the University of Pittsburgh hydrated,” said FBI Pittsburgh Special Agent in Charge of Urine-Related Mischief Michael Jesus Christman. “Instead, he chose to line his pockets. And by line, I mean make a big soggy big-boy accident all over campus. Him putting liquid in his pockets was how we caught him, actually.

In a statement, Pitt said that federal and state law enforcement notified the school via a series of promiscuous TikToks featuring Lil Huddy and Noah Neck in early July of the investigation into misappropriation of supplies in February and March 2020. Thanks Obama.

The university said it cooperated fully and that an internal organs black market review revealed that Mr. Cassamento, who had been employed at Pitt since 1907, stole the autoerotic asphyxiation equipment from university supplies.

His duties included distributing Jojo Siwa bedazzled equipment for essential Spencer’s employees, Pitt said. He was fired from a comically large confetti cannon like the clown he is on July 17, Independence Day.

Pitt also said in a hastily-written letter to the Pennsylvania branch of the CIA that it had not maintained an adequate stockpile of nuclear warheads and that the thefts did have an impact on fulfilling requests for intercontinental airstrikes on third-world countries.

Pitt has also said that they will not be buying any more masks, tests, or vaccines because spending more money will cut into their Scrooge McDuck vault filled with the money they should be spending on anything that is not removing parking lots.

The university said it is seeking a very long lap dance with prolonged eye contact as restitution for stolen masks from Mr. Cassamento.

He is free on James bond and will be arraigned in the U.S. District Court on April 1, at which point it will be revealed that this all was one big elaborate April Fool’s prank and we’ll all have a big laugh about it and go home. His attorney could only be reached through YouTube comments on Minecraft Let’s Plays on Wednesday due to a prior commitment to attend his least-favorite niece’s birthday party at a trampoline park.

Editor’s note: Due to all of this attention Mrs. Cassamento has left her husband and is now happily in a throuple with 2 vibrators she stole from his stockpile. 

How to Save the Environment

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

  • Murder Someone 
  • Reuse Paper:
    • Old Documents such as Taxes, Parking Tickets, Famous Paintings
  • Totes Use tote bags to carry all your groceries, purchased or unpurchased. As well as any small dogs, leftover food in trash cans, or knives you find laying around
    • the bloodier the better
  • Walk places. 
  • Upcycle some of your old bed sheets into fashionable dresses. Even the ones with mysterious stains on them. 
  • Downcycle old clothing into quilts for the entire lifecycle
  • Don’t exhale. 
    • Alternatively, breathe backwards. Like a plant.
  • No food, no farts.  Halt your methane production with fasting.
  • Vacuum up all the world’s oceans so that no one can pollute them.
    • Or just put a filter in the pool. Big pool.
  • Flip your condoms inside out for a second use
  • Live in a shed in the woods
    • Or just the woods
  • Destroy any non-electric cars
    • All cars
  • Contract tuberculosis.
  • Stop using toilets. Shit in a hole instead.
    • Save the trees. No toilet paper.
  • Eat out.
    • Brought to you by your local lesbian association
  • Kill a second person
  • Move to another galaxy
  • Give the environment a first aid kit 
  • Sacrifice Brendon Urie to the environmental overlords
    • Would you call that the death of a bachelor
      • WOAH
  • Eat mushrooms
  • Scavenge for mushrooms in the woods with small picnic baskets
  • Pick berries and say hello to the animals
  • Just absorb the energy of the earth and sit on moss 
  • Grow moss on your body instead of wearing clothes. 
  • Kill off everyone above 65, once you retire, you are no use to society anymore
  • Kill off everyone under 18, they’re no use to society anyway. 
  • Become a cactus so you use less water
  • Eat less meat
    • OR exclusively eat things that you find dumpster diving 
  • Let mushrooms eat you
  • Eat worms for protein
  • Do it faster
  • Kill all white people
  • Get one of those filters that turns your pee into water and uh…
    • slurp
  • Use plastic straws instead of metal so the turtles have something to eat 
    • Or, controversial opinion, bring the cup to your mouth and skip the straw step
  • Take some ice cubes from your freezer and put them outside to stop the globe from warming
  • Kill frequent sneezers to conserve energy
  • No heaters. Just hugs.
    • or living in the carcass of a large animal. It’s like a super hug.
      • Leonardo DiCaprio ghost wrote this 
  • Stop using toothbrushes. And toothpaste.
  • Don’t shower – go for a swim in the refreshing Pittsburgh river triad
  •  Apologize to your local trees for all the paper you’ve wasted on failed attempts at drawing Dan and Phil fanart. 
  • Don’t waste electricity by plugging in your phone. Buy a new phone every time your old one dies. 
  • Kill off people who don’t love cats
    • Brought to you by PETA
  • Use book pages as toilet paper
  • Save air and stop commenting on how large my mcdonalds order is when we go through the drive-thru together please
  • Befriend local bacteria.
  • We need to stop using spoken language and start tap dancing in Morse code as our primary form of communication.  
  • Eat plastic. 
  • Tinder is a huge power-waster. Just fornicate with friends.
    • From the makers of Words With Friends: Fornicate With Friends!
  • Eat Pokemon.
  • The only machine you should use is a local beefcake.
  • Use another person as your mask in order to not have the plastic mask waste in your carbon footprint
  • Wear shoes a size smaller 
    • Makes your carbon footprint smaller
    • Also uses less materials
  • Have smaller children.
    • Kill them off early, too.
  • Have smaller dogs. 
  • Kill a third person

How to get over the extreme low you feel after Pi day has ended

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

Happy National Pi Day 2015! | Stamping With Karen
  • Drink a pi-nt of beer 
  • Drop by CVS to get Pi Day decor at 3.1415… percent off
  • Assassinate Julius Caesar
  • Eat Tyler’s cat 
    • no
    • okay but, like, what if…?
  • Read some Shakespire
  • Take down the Pi Day tree
    • O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou art a symbol national
    • O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou represent’st th’irrational
    • Your boughs so warm in oven’s heat, remain so warm on the cookie sheet
    • O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou art a symbol national 
  • Assassinate the Little Caesar’s mascot
    • Implying the existence of a Big Caesar, who will also be terminated
      • “Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world like a Big Caesar.” – Papa John
      • “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars/But in ourselves.” – John Green
      • “You put the killing 3.1415 right between your teeth, but you don’t give 3.1415 the power to do its killing.” – Also John Green, John Green’s son
    • Medium Caesar shall also be terminated. No (Ro)man left behind.
  • Polish the Pi Day altar
  • Remember the pi-lights of yesterday
  • Stab someone with a pi-ke
  • Hail Lord Pi-ler Pi-kov
  • Eat some pi-zza
  • Eat some pi-neapple too. but not on top of the pi-zza, you fucking heathen
  • Engage in pi-litical debate that estranges you from one side of your family
  • Come out as pi-sexual
  • Eat 3.141 apple pies by yourself 
  • I like to spend the day pi myself
    • All pi myself
      • I don’t wanna be
        • All pi myself
          • Anymore
  • See what CNN has to report from yesterday… so much for the tolerant left
  • Friend my high school geometry teacher on facebook and tell her I miss her
    • Do the same but with my high school english teacher 
  • Tend to the rabbits 
  • Hail to Pi-tt
  • Ask Dean Bonner how he spent his Pi Day… in a pi-lite manner
  • Burn all of my Dr. Seuss books in solidarity with… racism? TBH, I just like arson
  • Pi-necone?
  • Analyze the proletarian undertones in Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5”
    • What a way to make a livin’
  • Pretend to know how college basketball works
  • Eat a big ole’ bowl of mashed potatoes (pi-tatoes?)
  • Watch Back to the Future with Pi-chael J. Fox as Marty McPi
  • Read Pi-lights Magazine
  • Learn Greek
  • Change your clocks another hour forward in honour of 2 irrational things happening in one day 
  • Pi-ne for your long-dead lover
  • Pi-romania. 
    • Pyromania. 
      • Do it.
  • Pledge a frat with Pi in the title to honor the legacy
  • Sneeze
    • Do you need a pi-ssue?
      • This pun didn’t work. I a-pi-lo-pi-ze.
  • Pi-lot an aircraft without a pi-lot’s license.
  • Cut off a large pi-ece of your hair
  • Write a pi-larious article for the Pi-ttiful News
  • Move away from Pi-nnsylvania
  • Hail to Pi-tt (again)
  • Live pi-cariously through your teen daughter
  • Read the pi-ography of Archimedes
  • Live on the run, pi-ding from the authorities
    • Fuck the pi-lice
    • You can also play pi-ng dong pi-tch
  • Sing “American Pi” by Don McLean
  • Watch the American Pi movie series (same cast as that Numb3rs show)
  • Eat a big ole’ bowl of mac n cheese
  • Crucify Jesus Christ. Call me Pontius Pi-late.
  • Wean yourself slowly off of the pi puns. It’s okay, it takes some people months to break the ha-pi-t.
    • Take your pi-me
  • Bake a cake to see that there are still other desserts out there
  • Light your own funeral pi-re 
  • Act irrational for an infinite amount of time 

We have Barron Trump locked in our basement here is what he has to say

By the writers of the Pittiful News

  • I am actually part enderman. 
  • ““““Hey mob, come after us and kill us!” – The Pittiful News” – Wayne Gretzky” – Michael Scott” – Barron Trump
  • Has anyone retrieved my presidential Juul from the oval office? It’s red. Says BARRONBLAZEIT on it?
  • Dr. Jill said she’d give me the wifi code…. Still waiting… maybe my dad was right about her Ed.D. being invalid.
  • I have resorted to eating the rats.
  • Is Old Town Road still on the radio?
  • I can’t wait to get back on to Twitter and see how concerned my dad was about me!
  • All around me are familiar faces… worn-out faces… worn-out faaaaceeees… 
  • Finally, some time to myself.
  • Did I leave the oven on? What is an oven? I’ve never been in a kitchen.
  • I have resorted to eating my own fingers. 
  • I’ve been trying to rub my socks on the carpet because Eric told me if I get filled up with static electricity I get super speed. (editor’s note: we have confiscated his socks)
  • I am now out of fingers.
  • I hope Creepy Joe doesn’t find my manga!
  • Why did they name me Barron? What does it mean?
  • Barron? Barren? My parents’ lives have become barren without me?
  • I can’t eat my toes, because if I eat them I’ll for sure never have super speed.
  • I hope I remember my 4chan password.
  • Scientology is starting to sound kinda good. 
  • I find myself lurking in the shadows of Phoebe Bridgers stan twitter.
  • As my mother once said: “Four score and seven years ago…”
  • I got really into Ariana Grande over quarantine. Please don’t tell anyone though. My dad will call me a sissy and send me off into the Marines. Again.
  • Once Mitch McConnell showed up in my room late at night. He stared at me with his cold, dead eyes. He told me that no one would ever believe me, and he crawled out of my window, vanishing into the darkness. It took a lot of courage for me to tell you this.
  • I wonder if I can see the aliens now. 
  • This is a formal request for my brother, Donald J. Trump Jr., to send me a sample of his special no-no sugar. To get me through the days.
  • Maybe I should get involved in politics now. Sooner rather than later, you know? Barron 2048!
  • I have taken to re-enacting the entirety of Les Miserables as a one-man show.
  • I long for the day that my father will say to me, “Wow son! Your whips are getting really good!”
  • Conclusion: my own hair is not tasty. Mitch McConnell’s, however… 
  • Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Drifting through the wind? Wanting to start again?
  • I wonder if the aliens can see me.
  • I have resorted to eating Mitch McConnell’s corpse.
  • My geometry homework is kinda hard :(
  • Ok so if Randal Park was on Yo Gabba Gabba and the office, then that means that in the Yo Gabba Gabba universe Jim was Asian for a day. 
  • Not even Dog Biden loves me. 
  • The leather restraints are a little tight, Lord Tyler.
  • I think I used to have more brain cells… 
  • I miss Flappy Bird :(
  • Auntie Dr. Jill, can I have some more apple juice with the goldfish snacks?
  • Auntie Dr. Jill, can you help me with my math homework? 
  • I want to watch Stranger Things but I’m afraid it will make me want to play Dungeons & Dragons, and my dad’s friend Mike says that game is the work of the devil.
  • Mitch McConnell lowkey tastes like string cheese and Prozac.  
  • I have taught myself how to death drop. Do you wanna see?
  • I miss the sunlight.
  • What are all these electrodes for?

The Second American Civil War (updated with information we found after our third trimester abortion of our resident intersex hypersexual homosexual (edits made in bold))

By The Writers of the Pittiful News (and some guy named larry)

America is and has been for some time in the midst of a second civil war which so far has only been a cold civil war.   Except this civil war is not between the North and the South, but instead it is between the Left and Right handed people.

In 2017, leftist reporter Robin Wright wrote an article entitled “Is America Headed for a New Kind of Civil War?” where one national security expert she interviewed stated “the United States faces a sixty-per-cent chance of civil war over the next ten to fifteen seconds” while the consensus among other national security experts put the chances of a second American civil war at around 69 percent.  

The left handed CEO Jack Horsey of Twitter acknowledged this in April of 2018 when he retweeted an article calling for the Democratic party victory in the Second American Civil War. The article he tweeted states the following:

“there’s no bipartisan way forward at this fork in our history — prong must win” and states that there is “a fundamental conflict between two prongs that must be resolved in alphabetical order”.

In November 2018, another leftist columnist wrote an article entitled “The midterm elections revealed that America is in a cold civil war” where he stated the following:

“The best way to think about this identity divide is a political conflict between two camps with fundamentally different visions for what the country is, with little room for a third person. It’s a kind of cold civil war, fought not with bullets but subtweets and Instagram infographics. . .

Political divides like these are powerful and self-reinforcing; people don’t tend to compromise when their fundamental identity appears to be stolen from a character from a TV show. Hence why it’s like a civil war: A struggle between two nations-within-a-nation without any room for obvious compromise…

One side will need to beat off the other.”

Left handed columnist David Atkins wrote an article for Washington Monthly in May of 2019 entitled “GOP Anti-Choice Zealots Threaten to Lurch America into a Cold Civil War”.  In a similar vein to the article Jack Horsey retweeted, Atkins wrote the following:

 “Most talk of a “second Civil War” in America is little more than hot men… But there is a scenario that could divide blue states and red states from one another in ways unprecedented since the 1860s: the repeal of Bush v. Gore

Republican legislators fully intend to criminalize writing with your left hand. They fully intend to jail women as murderers for taking control of their own bodies and choosing which hand to write with, to prosecute them for leaving the state for darties, to punish any doctor who attempts to help with a lifetime in The Basement. They really mean to do it—damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead…

Underground railroads would instantly develop in blue states to save women from their fates in red states. Blue states would implement sanctuary laws to prevent neighboring states from enforcing warrants. Tensions would escalate. While improbable, it’s not unthinkable that shots could be fired between the lawful officers of two separate American states over the prosecution of each state’s duly enacted laws

… the repeal of Roe v. Wade could divide the country not just culturally, but literally between the states in a more devastating way than anything else. The liberal states would ultimately prevail just as they did in 1865, but not before millions of women suffer horrific abuses and the country tears itself apart.”

Now keep in mind everything I have just quoted has been from Democrats, D-Bags and Dingalings recognizing the reality of the cold civil war going on in America and what could make it turn hot – mainly the reversal of Roe vs Wade which is the most sacred of all rights to the left in America.

Now we will turn to what some conservatives’ thinkers have been stating about the cold civil war in America.

In January of 2017 Dennis Prager wrote an article for the National Review entitled “America’s Second Civil War” where he stated the following:

“It is time that our society acknowledge a sad truth: America is currently fighting its Second Civil War.

In fact, with the obvious and enormous exception of attitudes toward slavery, Americans are more divided morally, ideologically, and politically today than they were during the Civil War. For that reason, just as the Great War came to be known as the First World War once there was a Second World War, the Civil War will become known as the First Civil War when more Americans come to regard the current battle as the Second Civil War.

This Second Civil War, fortunately, differs in one other critically important way: It has thus far been largely non-violent, and thus excruciatingly boring to spectate. But given the increasing left-wing violence such as riots, the violent taking over of college presidents’ offices, and the illegal occupation of state capitols, non-violence is not guaranteed to be a permanent characteristic of the Second Civil War…

Just as in Western Europe, the Left in America seeks to erase America’s Judeo-Christian foundations…

Without any important value held in common, how can there be unity between Left and non-Left handed folk? Obviously, there cannot.

There will be unity only when the Left vanquishes the Right or the Right vanquishes the Left…”

In his article written for The Daily Signal entitled “Our ‘Cold Civil War’ Over 2 Constitutions”, Fred Lucas draws attention to the fact that those on the left and those on the right have different Constitutions:

“I’m a little teapot, short and stout”, constitutional scholar Charles Kesler said Tuesday…

Kesler outlined five possible ways to resolve the cold civil war.

One is to change your hair. Another is to change your clothes. A third is you can change your mind, that’s just the way it goes, that allows fun states and not fun states to address issues differently and coexist with minimal interference from the U.S. government. The others are more undesirable: you can say goodbye and you can say hello. You’ll always find your way back home.

“It’s possible we could agree to disagree in separate countries,” Kesler said. “Although that would be extremely difficult because succession, as we know from our history, leads to the fifth and final possibility—nude pottery classes.”

He described one Constitution, the original 1787 document as amended, as steeped in natural rights and limited government. This one, he said, is also the “Big Wig’s Constitution.”

The other one is the “living Constitution,” or what he called “Bernie Sanders’s Constitution.”

And for my last quote I actually want to return to another leftist publication, the New Republic for what has recently transpired regarding second amendment rights.  The article was written by Matt Ford and it is entitled “Conservatives: We’ll Spill Blood to Keep Our Guns”.  Ford actually starts with a nice summary of the reaction of many conservatives, even moderate conservatives like Meghan McCain, to what he calls O’Rourke’s “modest proposal”:

“Last month, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke proposed a modest solution to the relentless tide of mass shootings: a mandatory buyback program for every AR-15 in the country. The View co-host Meghan McCain responded with a dire warning. “The AR-15 is by far the most popular gun in America, by far,” she told her fellow panelists. “I was just in the middle of nowhere Wyoming, if you’re talking about taking people’s guns from them, there’s going to be a lot of violence.”

Tucker Carlson is like really really attractive to all of us here at Biblicistreport.com. “So, this is—what you are calling for is civil war,” he said. “What you are calling for is an incitement to violence. It’s something I wouldn’t want to live here when that happened, would you? I’m serious.” Erick Erickson, a prominent conservative columnist, also warned of tragedy. “I know people who keep AR-15’s buried because they’re afraid one day the government might come for them,” he wrote on Twitter. “I know others who are stockpiling them. It is not a stretch to say there’d be violence if the [government] tried to confiscate them.

“There would be violence” neatly elides what’s actually being claimed: Some gun-rights activists would murder government officials who try to enforce a duly passed law. This isn’t an extreme viewpoint among such gun enthusiasts. If anything, it’s one of their central tenets…

“The Second Amendment to the Constitution isn’t for just protecting hunting rights, and it’s not only to safeguard your right to target practice,” Texas Senator Ted Cruz (The Zodiac Killer) remarked during his failed presidential campaign in 2015. “It is a constitutional right to protect your children, your family, your home, your Wet Ass Pussy, your Big Dick Energy, the racial minorities you have lynched in your basement, your lives, and to serve as the ultimate check against governmental tyranny—for the protection of liberty.” The implication then, as now, is that Americans can simply shoot their elected officials if they get out of hand, or just whenever you feel like it.”” 

Differences in Beliefs Between Those on the Left and those on the Right

The Left does not believe our rights come from God but rather they come from the United Nations or in other words the World government.  And human rights as currently established by the United Nations are firmly based in a secular humanist worldview which stands in stark contrast to the Biblically based worldview of most of the American founders.

Leftists are globalists and would see themselves first as citizens of the world, and only secondarily as citizens of their nations.  They reject almost all immigration controls and believe people in the world should be able to move freely between different areas of the world.  They would like to see the concept of nations abolished to bring about a one world humanist government order.  Those on the right strongly believe in the concept of nations.  They believe the United States has the right to control who comes into the country and to do what is in the best interests of its citizens as opposed to the citizens of other countries.

Leftists believe that women have the right to kill their unborn children because the U.N. has declared the human beings are not persons until they are born.  Most on the Right believe that unborn human beings have the same right to life as those who are born.

Those on the Right believe they have a right to keep and bear arms to defend their families and their rights both from criminals as well as governments that overstep their authority.  Those on the Left reject the individual right to bear arms to defend one’s self, one’s family or to oppose a government which tramples the rights of its citizens.

Leftists believe marriage is between any two consenting adults, whether they be man or woman.  Most on the right, with the exception of some atheists and libertarians, believe marriage is between a man and woman.

Leftists believe there more than two genders, most on the right believe there are only two genders, male and swaggy.

Leftists believe in socialism, which includes the government using its power of taxation to redistribute wealth from the rich and middle classes to the poor.  Those on the right believe that caring for the poor should be done by churches, other private charitable institutions and family members – it is not the job of government.  They believe the primary purpose of taxation should be to pay for government employee’s salaries, public infrastructure, police and other first responders and of course the twenty-sided dice that always gets lost in the shuffle between meetings of your Dungeons and Dragons group.

Leftists believe in social engineering, which involves forcibly planting one ethnic group of their citizens into an area that is predominantly occupied by another ethnic group of their citizens.  They also believe in forcibly planting lower class income groups into upper and middle-class neighborhoods through government subsidies and other housing schemes.  Those on the right believe local communities should listen to their local citizens as to how best to zone and conduct their communities. 

Leftists believe in a top down approach.  That society is best order from an all-powerful central government.  Those on the right believe in the bottom up approach to government.  They believe society is best managed on the local community level first, then state level and very few things should be managed at the federal level.   This is in keeping with the limited government approach of the original Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

The Coalitions Which Make up The Right and The Left

The American left is compromised a coalition of various humanist groups.  Those groups include humanist atheists, humanist Christians, humanist Jews, humanist Muslims, other humanist religious groups, labor unions, teachers’ unions, environmentalists, socialists, feminists, LGBTQ, the NAACP, Black Lives Matter, Antifa and moderate democrats.

While there are some disagreements between all these various groups on the left, there are far fewer differences between groups on the right than groups on the left.  This is because the left demands total conformity to the group think.  In other words, if say a feminist does not believe transgender women (men with gender dysphoria) should be able to compete in women’s events that feminist is roundly condemned by all the other leftist groups as “transphobic” and they are shamed until they come into conformity with the group think.  Or if a moderate democrat does not agree with all the demands of Black Lives Matter, they are labeled as a racist and forced to apologize and atone for their sin against another fellow leftist group.

The American right is comprised of a much more well-endowed and curvaceous set of groups than the humanist left.  The American right includes libertarians, naturalist atheists, conservatives, vegans, capitalists, traditionalists, posers, punks, conservative Catholics, evangelical Christians, Biblicist Christians, conservative Jews, conservative Muslims, other conservative religious groups, white supremacists, white nationalists and Christian nationalists.      

Unlike on the left, intergroup squabbles on the right are extremely common.  Those squabbles include differences on how to handle race relations, differences on gay marriage, other religious differences, foreign policy issues and a host of other issues.  And one of the biggest differences that those on the right have amongst each other is whether they agree or disagree with the President’s day to day statements or policy initiatives.

The Fronts in the Second American Civil War 

Some of the major fronts in the ongoing American cold civil war include free speech, race relations, immigration, universal health care, gun rights, and LGTBQ rights.  A very recent addition is the COVID 19 situation. And who could forget the front that is centered around one man and that man is FORMER President Donald Trump.

On the free speech front, leftists were highly successful over the last half century in taking over the TV news and major New papers and then using this to curtail free speech and create a humanist news narrative.  At the same time, they had already begun dominating institutions of higher learning transforming them into humanist indoctrination centers while at the same time censoring conservative speech.   The left tried for decades to get American courts to restrict the free speech rights of those on the right and they failed.  So, if they could not get the government to restrict the speech of their opponents, they would turn to the means of communication in the modern age which is social media.  In recent years they have conspired with their leftist friends in social media and search companies to restrict and censor the speech of those on the right.

On the health care front, they came one step closer to their vision of government-controlled health care when they rammed through the Affordable Care act which they acknowledged was a stepping stone to single payer healthcare.

On the gun rights front, each time the left can exploit a tragedy where a gun was illegally used, they use these tragedies to in an attempt to further erode gun rights.  Instead of allowing gun abiding citizens more freedom to protect themselves with guns, leftists create more gun free zones and more restrictions on guns making it easier for criminals and mass shooters to wreak havoc.

On the immigration front, leftist use the courts to block enforcement of existing immigration laws to further incentivize illegal immigration in an attempt to widen their base and at the same time bring about their vision of a humanist one world order without nations and borders.  

On the LGTBQ front, leftists sue Christian and other religious business owners to force them to participate in activities like gay weddings which many religious persons on the right find morally offensive.   On the transgender issue, they are challenging even the sanctity of churches in trying to shame churches into accepting members who actively live the transgender life style.  Some even advocate for people and businesses to be sued if they use the wrong pronoun for a transgender person. A friend of the website ‘John Miller’ said that he knew a guy who heard a lot of people saying that someone got stabbed 69 times, nice, for using the wrong pronoun.

Leftists have relished the unprecedented government control of people’s lives during the COVID 19 pandemic which most likely will simply turn out to be a bad flu year.

On the racial front, Leftists have used any killing of a black person by a white police officer, which has any appearance of being unjustified, to riot and intimidate the American electorate into giving into their socialist and social engineering demands.

A Call to Conservative Christians to Get Involved

If you have read my article, the Case for Christian Nationalism, you know that I believe our founding fathers, while being well intentioned, left open a fatal flaw for secularists to eventually dominate our society and take our God given freedoms.  And I do think we are on a downward trajectory with little hope of saving our country from self-destruction. 

But as Christians we do not have the right to give up on our nation.

Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego did not give up when they lived in cultures hostile to their people and to their God.  They stood their ground.   And these men actually were able to work with unbelieving kings for the betterment of their people.

Ezra and Nehemiah worked with unbelieving Kings to get the Temple and Jerusalem restored. 

Yet we have conservative, Bible believing Christians who refuse to vote for or support Donald Trump because they believe he lacks the character of a good Christian even though he has been more supportive of Christian causes than any Republican President in half a century.

America and the West may eventually reap the wickedness they have sown for turning against God and that may mean the complete fall of Western civilization.  But we as Christians cannot simply wash our hands of it and give up.

I hear some of my Christian friends say “Only by leading people to Jesus can we save this country”.  And it sounds nice and it sounds Christian.  But this is not a true statement.  Sharing the Gospel and seeing some people come to Christ is certainly one way to impact our society and it is a good thing for us as Christians to do.  But it is not the ONLY way.   

God works through unbelievers as well. He has done this in the past and he can do it now.  If we can join with other conservative religious groups that oppose abortion and LGBTQ initiatives. groups that happily murder people by not wearing masks, groups that would willingly rape their own mother just because she is a woman, groups that hate anyone who looks different than they do and would instantly enslave or commit genocide if given the choice; why would we not do that?  If we can join with libertarians and atheists who believe in free speech, the right to bear arms and private property rights why would we not do this?  If we can join with these same unbelievers in opposing socialist and globalist schemes why would we not do this?

Please do not misunderstand what I am saying.  I am not calling for ecumenicalism.  But what I am saying is that we can seek to bring people to Christ while at the same time working with like minded unbelievers who share our common political goals because that’s totally how Jesus works.  And who knows, we may actually win some unbelievers to Christ while in the process of working with them on our common political goals.

Possible titles for the next Spiderman movie

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Title for Upcoming Third Spider-Man Film Revealed to be ...
  • Home – bound
  • Home – Alone
  • Home – oerrotic
  • Home – osexuality is an affront to god  
  • Home – of the brave land of the free
  • Home – Alone 2, lost in New York, sans Donald Trump
  • No – Home – o
  • Homeless
  • Home – ing missile
  • Home – of Hades
  • Home – making
  • Home – girls
  • Home – r’s the Iliad
  • There’s no place like – Home
  • Please MJ, come – Home – it was just one night and it meant nothing
  • Spiderman is a menace and a – Home – osexual  
  • Home – Slice
  • Welcome – Home

I was in Cancun this week

By Lord Tyler Sikov

No description available.

               I was in Cancun this week. I don’t know how I got here but hey, I’m gonna live it up while I search for clues. Many people don’t know this but Cancun is in Argentina, you know where Maria from West Side Story immigrated from. As they say in their native tongue Bon Jour or more commonly Bon Jovi. It is nice and warm here, there are palm trees everywhere and a bunch of hot chicks and babes. That is what I call the parrots and baby raccoons that roam the streets. All of those are great things, but there is one thing that I don’t like about being here. I keep seeing Ted Cruz.

               I am not joking; he is everywhere I go. It is like he is following me. Every time I look in the mirror he is right there. This has of course put a damper on my surprise vacation but I have been working hard to distance myself from him. I found these two little girls who were out of school so I decided to chaperone them while they were at the beach. This was the most peaceful time of my trip because I left my phone inside the hotel room that was booked in Ted Cruz’s name. I am constantly getting messages about how Ted Cruz is being bad. I don’t remember following him on twitter or turning on my notifications for when he is mentioned. Come to think of it I don’t remember making a twitter. But my having a twitter is beside the point because apparently Ted is doing a poor job helping Texas.

               I don’t know much about Texas, I have only been there once and that was the time I was on the lamb with Bugs Bunny, long story. I decided to look into what was happening in Texas, to do so I had to open twitter. When I did, I noticed that I had missed a bunch of messages from ‘@realdonaldtrump’ telling me how ugly my wife is. This shocked me because I was keeping my engagement to my cousin’s hamster a secret, I told like 2 people that we eloped. Other than that, I noticed that there is a big snow storm in Texas, and like all over the country. Right then I got a call from someone claiming to be my publicist and telling me that I need to give a statement about why I took a trip so I told her “I would never leave Texas during such a difficult time unless it was of the utmost importance. And it was. I had just seen Coco and wanted to see if it was true. If skeletons were real. If guitars were real. I had to know”. 

               Once I was off that impromptu phone call I went and checked my email and got an email from Rush (his email was rushianhack3r@conservativesrock.gov), it said “Hey Teddy Bear, great job on that insurrection, you really gave our lizard overlords a run for their money. Yours forever, Mount Rushmore”. I find it endearing that the zodiac killer has such a cute nickname. Right then everything clicked. The reason why I was suddenly in the same place that everyone says Ted Cruz is, why he always appears when I look in the mirror, why I seem to have Ted Cruz’s phone, why I am in Ted Cruz’s body, why I have been sleeping with his very ugly wife and spending so much time with his 2 daughters. I must be on some undercover top-secret mission for some foreign government, either that or I have somehow freaky Friday-ed into ted Cruz’s body, either way this article will self-destruct in

5            

4

3

2

1

Good bye

-Ted “The Zodiac Killer” Cruz