We recently got the covid vaccine, here are some of the side effects we have experienced:

By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups)

COVID-19 Vaccine Firm Soars 650% — Pfizer and BioNTech's Story
  • Social isolation as all of my family and friends have gotten Moderna, whereas I have gotten Pfizer
  • Inflated bank account
  • Inflated ego
  • Inflation kink
  • Optimism for the future
    • Immediately followed by depressive episode
  • Mommy my awm huwts :(
  • Phat ass 
  • Death
  • Became president of a new country
  • Got beetlejuiced
  • Got stickbugged lol
  • Sexy disease. It’s not contagious, don’t worry losers. 
  • Sharp decline in IQ, possibly unrelated
  • Well I got moderna so that’s more of a body high than pfizer 
  • Became a Republican
  • I am starting to like Bill Gates now? I just think he’s one of those cool billionaires, you know?
  • Developed this little voice in my head telling me to buy a Microsoft Surface™ 
  • Grew hooves
  • Uncontrollable urge to read Ayn Rand
    • The Fountainhead is a masterpiece, dude
    • Atlas Shrugged is a close second
  • I unironically like glee now. 
  • Intense succulent craze
  • Inability to stop watching the Twilight movies
  • Reading backwards
  • Redbubble sticker obsession
  • Failing my finals
  • Choosing chartreuse as my favorite color
  • Heat exhaustion from waiting in the sun for 4 hours
  • Became left-handed
  • Became an android user 
  • Turned gay
  • Turned straight 
  • Turned on
  • Turned away. I forgot my insurance card :(
    • I didn’t think you needed an insurance card
    • Wtf they lied to me 
  • Became a theater kid
  • Got coronavirus, somehow?
  • Humanities major disease. Also known as unemployment-itis. 
    • Business major disease. Also known as moral corruption.
  • I’m not funny anymore – I’m starting to wonder whether I ever was
  • Melted my teeth, and now I chew in liquidity
  • A bit tired
  • Traded my skull in for a wooden replica, now I have a splinter on my brain
  • Learned to play the ocarina. Sadly this is not exactly a marketable skill.
  • Frequent nosebleeds
  • Constant nosebleeds
  • Complete lack of nosebleeds (which is worrying, because I used to get frequent nosebleeds)
    • I also don’t have a nose?
  • Became Peanut Butter?
    • Became Jelly?
  • Je peux parler seulement le Français
  • Unstoppable, uncontrollable urge to throw it back
  • Grew another penis
  • Wet mouth
    • Damn, without me? 
  • Dry mouth
    • Damn, without me?
  • My back aches, my bra’s too tight, my hips shake/From left to right 
  • Became a SoundCloud Rapper
  • Resurrection
    • Resuscitation
    • Rotisserie
    • Robespierre
  • Mild Nausea
  • Medium Nausea 
  • Spicy Nausea
  • Sweet Sriracha Nausea
  • Severe Nausea 
  • Thick and Chunky Nausea

We Don’t Care About the British Royal Family, Here’s What We Did This Week

By 3 out of Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful news)

Only 1 Member of the British Royal Family Has a Cat - Here ...
  • Went to the camo store, but couldn’t find anything??
  • **~~ uwu made bread~*~*
  • I read the entirety of the supernatural fanfiction on wattpad
  • Decided on a new club name
  • Beat up Tyler
  • Mutilated Tyler
  • Sacrificed Tyler
  • Resurrected Tyler
  • Killed Tyler again, but with more gusteau
  • Sent Tyler’s limbs and head to 5 of his close friends and/or relatives
  • Learned to read in Times New Roman
  • Paint over the “dog person” mug i got from my grandma so it says “cat person”
  • Slowly ripped out pages from my textbooks and ate them
  • तत्किं करोमि
  • Went to the bullet store to get more bullet points for this list
  • Asked many dumb questions
    • Despite the fact that I have google
  • Had ants on a log
  • Had celery with peanut butter and raisins 
  • Had celery with Peanut butter and raisins
    • He is fine, just some of his hair
    • It is honestly hard to eat anything without his hair in it
  • Tax evasion (see my tax evasion article)
  • Steierhannerzéiung
  • Had a teenage dream
  • Got arrested for said teenage dream
  • Informed all of my neighbors that I am a registered sax offender
  • Hit my head with a rock until I forget how to play the sax, as I keep offending them
  • Went to the bullet store to sell the excess bullet points from this list

We have Barron Trump locked in our basement here is what he has to say

By the writers of the Pittiful News

  • I am actually part enderman. 
  • ““““Hey mob, come after us and kill us!” – The Pittiful News” – Wayne Gretzky” – Michael Scott” – Barron Trump
  • Has anyone retrieved my presidential Juul from the oval office? It’s red. Says BARRONBLAZEIT on it?
  • Dr. Jill said she’d give me the wifi code…. Still waiting… maybe my dad was right about her Ed.D. being invalid.
  • I have resorted to eating the rats.
  • Is Old Town Road still on the radio?
  • I can’t wait to get back on to Twitter and see how concerned my dad was about me!
  • All around me are familiar faces… worn-out faces… worn-out faaaaceeees… 
  • Finally, some time to myself.
  • Did I leave the oven on? What is an oven? I’ve never been in a kitchen.
  • I have resorted to eating my own fingers. 
  • I’ve been trying to rub my socks on the carpet because Eric told me if I get filled up with static electricity I get super speed. (editor’s note: we have confiscated his socks)
  • I am now out of fingers.
  • I hope Creepy Joe doesn’t find my manga!
  • Why did they name me Barron? What does it mean?
  • Barron? Barren? My parents’ lives have become barren without me?
  • I can’t eat my toes, because if I eat them I’ll for sure never have super speed.
  • I hope I remember my 4chan password.
  • Scientology is starting to sound kinda good. 
  • I find myself lurking in the shadows of Phoebe Bridgers stan twitter.
  • As my mother once said: “Four score and seven years ago…”
  • I got really into Ariana Grande over quarantine. Please don’t tell anyone though. My dad will call me a sissy and send me off into the Marines. Again.
  • Once Mitch McConnell showed up in my room late at night. He stared at me with his cold, dead eyes. He told me that no one would ever believe me, and he crawled out of my window, vanishing into the darkness. It took a lot of courage for me to tell you this.
  • I wonder if I can see the aliens now. 
  • This is a formal request for my brother, Donald J. Trump Jr., to send me a sample of his special no-no sugar. To get me through the days.
  • Maybe I should get involved in politics now. Sooner rather than later, you know? Barron 2048!
  • I have taken to re-enacting the entirety of Les Miserables as a one-man show.
  • I long for the day that my father will say to me, “Wow son! Your whips are getting really good!”
  • Conclusion: my own hair is not tasty. Mitch McConnell’s, however… 
  • Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Drifting through the wind? Wanting to start again?
  • I wonder if the aliens can see me.
  • I have resorted to eating Mitch McConnell’s corpse.
  • My geometry homework is kinda hard :(
  • Ok so if Randal Park was on Yo Gabba Gabba and the office, then that means that in the Yo Gabba Gabba universe Jim was Asian for a day. 
  • Not even Dog Biden loves me. 
  • The leather restraints are a little tight, Lord Tyler.
  • I think I used to have more brain cells… 
  • I miss Flappy Bird :(
  • Auntie Dr. Jill, can I have some more apple juice with the goldfish snacks?
  • Auntie Dr. Jill, can you help me with my math homework? 
  • I want to watch Stranger Things but I’m afraid it will make me want to play Dungeons & Dragons, and my dad’s friend Mike says that game is the work of the devil.
  • Mitch McConnell lowkey tastes like string cheese and Prozac.  
  • I have taught myself how to death drop. Do you wanna see?
  • I miss the sunlight.
  • What are all these electrodes for?

The Second American Civil War (updated with information we found after our third trimester abortion of our resident intersex hypersexual homosexual (edits made in bold))

By The Writers of the Pittiful News (and some guy named larry)

America is and has been for some time in the midst of a second civil war which so far has only been a cold civil war.   Except this civil war is not between the North and the South, but instead it is between the Left and Right handed people.

In 2017, leftist reporter Robin Wright wrote an article entitled “Is America Headed for a New Kind of Civil War?” where one national security expert she interviewed stated “the United States faces a sixty-per-cent chance of civil war over the next ten to fifteen seconds” while the consensus among other national security experts put the chances of a second American civil war at around 69 percent.  

The left handed CEO Jack Horsey of Twitter acknowledged this in April of 2018 when he retweeted an article calling for the Democratic party victory in the Second American Civil War. The article he tweeted states the following:

“there’s no bipartisan way forward at this fork in our history — prong must win” and states that there is “a fundamental conflict between two prongs that must be resolved in alphabetical order”.

In November 2018, another leftist columnist wrote an article entitled “The midterm elections revealed that America is in a cold civil war” where he stated the following:

“The best way to think about this identity divide is a political conflict between two camps with fundamentally different visions for what the country is, with little room for a third person. It’s a kind of cold civil war, fought not with bullets but subtweets and Instagram infographics. . .

Political divides like these are powerful and self-reinforcing; people don’t tend to compromise when their fundamental identity appears to be stolen from a character from a TV show. Hence why it’s like a civil war: A struggle between two nations-within-a-nation without any room for obvious compromise…

One side will need to beat off the other.”

Left handed columnist David Atkins wrote an article for Washington Monthly in May of 2019 entitled “GOP Anti-Choice Zealots Threaten to Lurch America into a Cold Civil War”.  In a similar vein to the article Jack Horsey retweeted, Atkins wrote the following:

 “Most talk of a “second Civil War” in America is little more than hot men… But there is a scenario that could divide blue states and red states from one another in ways unprecedented since the 1860s: the repeal of Bush v. Gore

Republican legislators fully intend to criminalize writing with your left hand. They fully intend to jail women as murderers for taking control of their own bodies and choosing which hand to write with, to prosecute them for leaving the state for darties, to punish any doctor who attempts to help with a lifetime in The Basement. They really mean to do it—damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead…

Underground railroads would instantly develop in blue states to save women from their fates in red states. Blue states would implement sanctuary laws to prevent neighboring states from enforcing warrants. Tensions would escalate. While improbable, it’s not unthinkable that shots could be fired between the lawful officers of two separate American states over the prosecution of each state’s duly enacted laws

… the repeal of Roe v. Wade could divide the country not just culturally, but literally between the states in a more devastating way than anything else. The liberal states would ultimately prevail just as they did in 1865, but not before millions of women suffer horrific abuses and the country tears itself apart.”

Now keep in mind everything I have just quoted has been from Democrats, D-Bags and Dingalings recognizing the reality of the cold civil war going on in America and what could make it turn hot – mainly the reversal of Roe vs Wade which is the most sacred of all rights to the left in America.

Now we will turn to what some conservatives’ thinkers have been stating about the cold civil war in America.

In January of 2017 Dennis Prager wrote an article for the National Review entitled “America’s Second Civil War” where he stated the following:

“It is time that our society acknowledge a sad truth: America is currently fighting its Second Civil War.

In fact, with the obvious and enormous exception of attitudes toward slavery, Americans are more divided morally, ideologically, and politically today than they were during the Civil War. For that reason, just as the Great War came to be known as the First World War once there was a Second World War, the Civil War will become known as the First Civil War when more Americans come to regard the current battle as the Second Civil War.

This Second Civil War, fortunately, differs in one other critically important way: It has thus far been largely non-violent, and thus excruciatingly boring to spectate. But given the increasing left-wing violence such as riots, the violent taking over of college presidents’ offices, and the illegal occupation of state capitols, non-violence is not guaranteed to be a permanent characteristic of the Second Civil War…

Just as in Western Europe, the Left in America seeks to erase America’s Judeo-Christian foundations…

Without any important value held in common, how can there be unity between Left and non-Left handed folk? Obviously, there cannot.

There will be unity only when the Left vanquishes the Right or the Right vanquishes the Left…”

In his article written for The Daily Signal entitled “Our ‘Cold Civil War’ Over 2 Constitutions”, Fred Lucas draws attention to the fact that those on the left and those on the right have different Constitutions:

“I’m a little teapot, short and stout”, constitutional scholar Charles Kesler said Tuesday…

Kesler outlined five possible ways to resolve the cold civil war.

One is to change your hair. Another is to change your clothes. A third is you can change your mind, that’s just the way it goes, that allows fun states and not fun states to address issues differently and coexist with minimal interference from the U.S. government. The others are more undesirable: you can say goodbye and you can say hello. You’ll always find your way back home.

“It’s possible we could agree to disagree in separate countries,” Kesler said. “Although that would be extremely difficult because succession, as we know from our history, leads to the fifth and final possibility—nude pottery classes.”

He described one Constitution, the original 1787 document as amended, as steeped in natural rights and limited government. This one, he said, is also the “Big Wig’s Constitution.”

The other one is the “living Constitution,” or what he called “Bernie Sanders’s Constitution.”

And for my last quote I actually want to return to another leftist publication, the New Republic for what has recently transpired regarding second amendment rights.  The article was written by Matt Ford and it is entitled “Conservatives: We’ll Spill Blood to Keep Our Guns”.  Ford actually starts with a nice summary of the reaction of many conservatives, even moderate conservatives like Meghan McCain, to what he calls O’Rourke’s “modest proposal”:

“Last month, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke proposed a modest solution to the relentless tide of mass shootings: a mandatory buyback program for every AR-15 in the country. The View co-host Meghan McCain responded with a dire warning. “The AR-15 is by far the most popular gun in America, by far,” she told her fellow panelists. “I was just in the middle of nowhere Wyoming, if you’re talking about taking people’s guns from them, there’s going to be a lot of violence.”

Tucker Carlson is like really really attractive to all of us here at Biblicistreport.com. “So, this is—what you are calling for is civil war,” he said. “What you are calling for is an incitement to violence. It’s something I wouldn’t want to live here when that happened, would you? I’m serious.” Erick Erickson, a prominent conservative columnist, also warned of tragedy. “I know people who keep AR-15’s buried because they’re afraid one day the government might come for them,” he wrote on Twitter. “I know others who are stockpiling them. It is not a stretch to say there’d be violence if the [government] tried to confiscate them.

“There would be violence” neatly elides what’s actually being claimed: Some gun-rights activists would murder government officials who try to enforce a duly passed law. This isn’t an extreme viewpoint among such gun enthusiasts. If anything, it’s one of their central tenets…

“The Second Amendment to the Constitution isn’t for just protecting hunting rights, and it’s not only to safeguard your right to target practice,” Texas Senator Ted Cruz (The Zodiac Killer) remarked during his failed presidential campaign in 2015. “It is a constitutional right to protect your children, your family, your home, your Wet Ass Pussy, your Big Dick Energy, the racial minorities you have lynched in your basement, your lives, and to serve as the ultimate check against governmental tyranny—for the protection of liberty.” The implication then, as now, is that Americans can simply shoot their elected officials if they get out of hand, or just whenever you feel like it.”” 

Differences in Beliefs Between Those on the Left and those on the Right

The Left does not believe our rights come from God but rather they come from the United Nations or in other words the World government.  And human rights as currently established by the United Nations are firmly based in a secular humanist worldview which stands in stark contrast to the Biblically based worldview of most of the American founders.

Leftists are globalists and would see themselves first as citizens of the world, and only secondarily as citizens of their nations.  They reject almost all immigration controls and believe people in the world should be able to move freely between different areas of the world.  They would like to see the concept of nations abolished to bring about a one world humanist government order.  Those on the right strongly believe in the concept of nations.  They believe the United States has the right to control who comes into the country and to do what is in the best interests of its citizens as opposed to the citizens of other countries.

Leftists believe that women have the right to kill their unborn children because the U.N. has declared the human beings are not persons until they are born.  Most on the Right believe that unborn human beings have the same right to life as those who are born.

Those on the Right believe they have a right to keep and bear arms to defend their families and their rights both from criminals as well as governments that overstep their authority.  Those on the Left reject the individual right to bear arms to defend one’s self, one’s family or to oppose a government which tramples the rights of its citizens.

Leftists believe marriage is between any two consenting adults, whether they be man or woman.  Most on the right, with the exception of some atheists and libertarians, believe marriage is between a man and woman.

Leftists believe there more than two genders, most on the right believe there are only two genders, male and swaggy.

Leftists believe in socialism, which includes the government using its power of taxation to redistribute wealth from the rich and middle classes to the poor.  Those on the right believe that caring for the poor should be done by churches, other private charitable institutions and family members – it is not the job of government.  They believe the primary purpose of taxation should be to pay for government employee’s salaries, public infrastructure, police and other first responders and of course the twenty-sided dice that always gets lost in the shuffle between meetings of your Dungeons and Dragons group.

Leftists believe in social engineering, which involves forcibly planting one ethnic group of their citizens into an area that is predominantly occupied by another ethnic group of their citizens.  They also believe in forcibly planting lower class income groups into upper and middle-class neighborhoods through government subsidies and other housing schemes.  Those on the right believe local communities should listen to their local citizens as to how best to zone and conduct their communities. 

Leftists believe in a top down approach.  That society is best order from an all-powerful central government.  Those on the right believe in the bottom up approach to government.  They believe society is best managed on the local community level first, then state level and very few things should be managed at the federal level.   This is in keeping with the limited government approach of the original Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

The Coalitions Which Make up The Right and The Left

The American left is compromised a coalition of various humanist groups.  Those groups include humanist atheists, humanist Christians, humanist Jews, humanist Muslims, other humanist religious groups, labor unions, teachers’ unions, environmentalists, socialists, feminists, LGBTQ, the NAACP, Black Lives Matter, Antifa and moderate democrats.

While there are some disagreements between all these various groups on the left, there are far fewer differences between groups on the right than groups on the left.  This is because the left demands total conformity to the group think.  In other words, if say a feminist does not believe transgender women (men with gender dysphoria) should be able to compete in women’s events that feminist is roundly condemned by all the other leftist groups as “transphobic” and they are shamed until they come into conformity with the group think.  Or if a moderate democrat does not agree with all the demands of Black Lives Matter, they are labeled as a racist and forced to apologize and atone for their sin against another fellow leftist group.

The American right is comprised of a much more well-endowed and curvaceous set of groups than the humanist left.  The American right includes libertarians, naturalist atheists, conservatives, vegans, capitalists, traditionalists, posers, punks, conservative Catholics, evangelical Christians, Biblicist Christians, conservative Jews, conservative Muslims, other conservative religious groups, white supremacists, white nationalists and Christian nationalists.      

Unlike on the left, intergroup squabbles on the right are extremely common.  Those squabbles include differences on how to handle race relations, differences on gay marriage, other religious differences, foreign policy issues and a host of other issues.  And one of the biggest differences that those on the right have amongst each other is whether they agree or disagree with the President’s day to day statements or policy initiatives.

The Fronts in the Second American Civil War 

Some of the major fronts in the ongoing American cold civil war include free speech, race relations, immigration, universal health care, gun rights, and LGTBQ rights.  A very recent addition is the COVID 19 situation. And who could forget the front that is centered around one man and that man is FORMER President Donald Trump.

On the free speech front, leftists were highly successful over the last half century in taking over the TV news and major New papers and then using this to curtail free speech and create a humanist news narrative.  At the same time, they had already begun dominating institutions of higher learning transforming them into humanist indoctrination centers while at the same time censoring conservative speech.   The left tried for decades to get American courts to restrict the free speech rights of those on the right and they failed.  So, if they could not get the government to restrict the speech of their opponents, they would turn to the means of communication in the modern age which is social media.  In recent years they have conspired with their leftist friends in social media and search companies to restrict and censor the speech of those on the right.

On the health care front, they came one step closer to their vision of government-controlled health care when they rammed through the Affordable Care act which they acknowledged was a stepping stone to single payer healthcare.

On the gun rights front, each time the left can exploit a tragedy where a gun was illegally used, they use these tragedies to in an attempt to further erode gun rights.  Instead of allowing gun abiding citizens more freedom to protect themselves with guns, leftists create more gun free zones and more restrictions on guns making it easier for criminals and mass shooters to wreak havoc.

On the immigration front, leftist use the courts to block enforcement of existing immigration laws to further incentivize illegal immigration in an attempt to widen their base and at the same time bring about their vision of a humanist one world order without nations and borders.  

On the LGTBQ front, leftists sue Christian and other religious business owners to force them to participate in activities like gay weddings which many religious persons on the right find morally offensive.   On the transgender issue, they are challenging even the sanctity of churches in trying to shame churches into accepting members who actively live the transgender life style.  Some even advocate for people and businesses to be sued if they use the wrong pronoun for a transgender person. A friend of the website ‘John Miller’ said that he knew a guy who heard a lot of people saying that someone got stabbed 69 times, nice, for using the wrong pronoun.

Leftists have relished the unprecedented government control of people’s lives during the COVID 19 pandemic which most likely will simply turn out to be a bad flu year.

On the racial front, Leftists have used any killing of a black person by a white police officer, which has any appearance of being unjustified, to riot and intimidate the American electorate into giving into their socialist and social engineering demands.

A Call to Conservative Christians to Get Involved

If you have read my article, the Case for Christian Nationalism, you know that I believe our founding fathers, while being well intentioned, left open a fatal flaw for secularists to eventually dominate our society and take our God given freedoms.  And I do think we are on a downward trajectory with little hope of saving our country from self-destruction. 

But as Christians we do not have the right to give up on our nation.

Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego did not give up when they lived in cultures hostile to their people and to their God.  They stood their ground.   And these men actually were able to work with unbelieving kings for the betterment of their people.

Ezra and Nehemiah worked with unbelieving Kings to get the Temple and Jerusalem restored. 

Yet we have conservative, Bible believing Christians who refuse to vote for or support Donald Trump because they believe he lacks the character of a good Christian even though he has been more supportive of Christian causes than any Republican President in half a century.

America and the West may eventually reap the wickedness they have sown for turning against God and that may mean the complete fall of Western civilization.  But we as Christians cannot simply wash our hands of it and give up.

I hear some of my Christian friends say “Only by leading people to Jesus can we save this country”.  And it sounds nice and it sounds Christian.  But this is not a true statement.  Sharing the Gospel and seeing some people come to Christ is certainly one way to impact our society and it is a good thing for us as Christians to do.  But it is not the ONLY way.   

God works through unbelievers as well. He has done this in the past and he can do it now.  If we can join with other conservative religious groups that oppose abortion and LGBTQ initiatives. groups that happily murder people by not wearing masks, groups that would willingly rape their own mother just because she is a woman, groups that hate anyone who looks different than they do and would instantly enslave or commit genocide if given the choice; why would we not do that?  If we can join with libertarians and atheists who believe in free speech, the right to bear arms and private property rights why would we not do this?  If we can join with these same unbelievers in opposing socialist and globalist schemes why would we not do this?

Please do not misunderstand what I am saying.  I am not calling for ecumenicalism.  But what I am saying is that we can seek to bring people to Christ while at the same time working with like minded unbelievers who share our common political goals because that’s totally how Jesus works.  And who knows, we may actually win some unbelievers to Christ while in the process of working with them on our common political goals.

I was in Cancun this week

By Lord Tyler Sikov

No description available.

               I was in Cancun this week. I don’t know how I got here but hey, I’m gonna live it up while I search for clues. Many people don’t know this but Cancun is in Argentina, you know where Maria from West Side Story immigrated from. As they say in their native tongue Bon Jour or more commonly Bon Jovi. It is nice and warm here, there are palm trees everywhere and a bunch of hot chicks and babes. That is what I call the parrots and baby raccoons that roam the streets. All of those are great things, but there is one thing that I don’t like about being here. I keep seeing Ted Cruz.

               I am not joking; he is everywhere I go. It is like he is following me. Every time I look in the mirror he is right there. This has of course put a damper on my surprise vacation but I have been working hard to distance myself from him. I found these two little girls who were out of school so I decided to chaperone them while they were at the beach. This was the most peaceful time of my trip because I left my phone inside the hotel room that was booked in Ted Cruz’s name. I am constantly getting messages about how Ted Cruz is being bad. I don’t remember following him on twitter or turning on my notifications for when he is mentioned. Come to think of it I don’t remember making a twitter. But my having a twitter is beside the point because apparently Ted is doing a poor job helping Texas.

               I don’t know much about Texas, I have only been there once and that was the time I was on the lamb with Bugs Bunny, long story. I decided to look into what was happening in Texas, to do so I had to open twitter. When I did, I noticed that I had missed a bunch of messages from ‘@realdonaldtrump’ telling me how ugly my wife is. This shocked me because I was keeping my engagement to my cousin’s hamster a secret, I told like 2 people that we eloped. Other than that, I noticed that there is a big snow storm in Texas, and like all over the country. Right then I got a call from someone claiming to be my publicist and telling me that I need to give a statement about why I took a trip so I told her “I would never leave Texas during such a difficult time unless it was of the utmost importance. And it was. I had just seen Coco and wanted to see if it was true. If skeletons were real. If guitars were real. I had to know”. 

               Once I was off that impromptu phone call I went and checked my email and got an email from Rush (his email was rushianhack3r@conservativesrock.gov), it said “Hey Teddy Bear, great job on that insurrection, you really gave our lizard overlords a run for their money. Yours forever, Mount Rushmore”. I find it endearing that the zodiac killer has such a cute nickname. Right then everything clicked. The reason why I was suddenly in the same place that everyone says Ted Cruz is, why he always appears when I look in the mirror, why I seem to have Ted Cruz’s phone, why I am in Ted Cruz’s body, why I have been sleeping with his very ugly wife and spending so much time with his 2 daughters. I must be on some undercover top-secret mission for some foreign government, either that or I have somehow freaky Friday-ed into ted Cruz’s body, either way this article will self-destruct in

5            

4

3

2

1

Good bye

-Ted “The Zodiac Killer” Cruz

Horoscopes For the Week of 2/14

By Ella Mizera

HOROSCOPES: It’s all about you, Libra and Scorpio – Monday ...

Aries: Love can come from many pathways and avenues. And sewers and dark alleyways and dungeons, but people tend not to check those places.

Taurus: Candy hearts printed with demonic sigils seem like a harmless prank on your girlfriend until her scleras turn black and she starts crawling on ceilings. 

Gemini: This Valentine’s Day, skip the roses. Send something more thoughtful and personal. Paper-thin slices of my frontal lobe did the trick for me.

Cancer: Researchers haven’t yet isolated the “cuddle chemical” from our brains. They’re not sure it actually exists, but there has to be a reason behind the Montgomery Cuddle Riots of 1982.

Leo: Roses are red, violets are blue,  ̶̼̂ḭ̷̈́a̵̠͛!̶̲͌,̶͖̽ ̷̲͐ī̸̦ȧ̷̟!̸̠̂,̵̬̈́ ̵̗̃f̶͕̐’̵̩̇ţ̵̑a̴̖͒g̶̠̉ḥ̵̆n̷͔̄ ̸̭͊c̵̘͌t̵͓͗h̴̦͛ų̵̏l̴͍̅h̶̦̕u

Virgo: I love your blue eye/ And the smiles on your face/ And your three sets of arms/ For a three-fold embrace…

Libra: It’s not a codependent relationship if they’re living inside your small intestine.

Scorpio: The wetness in your ear just comes from a benevolent long-limbed night stalker. If your eyes stay closed, it’s almost like a kiss.

Sagittarius: Listen closely to the teddy bear, and you may hear a very gentle clacking of teeth inside.

Capricorn: Contrary to popular belief, snow is not the most romantic form of precipitation. It’s not even a form of precipitation at all!

Aquarius: Don’t drive between 5:42 and 6:42 tonight. The barrier is weak, and the form in the fog was not meant to be seen by your eyes. 

Pisces: Lift me up, asks your two-headed dog, so that I may see the stars one last time. Lift me high.

This is the 7th article I have written about being in a cult and people are starting to get suspicious

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Explore the inside of your favorite cult – The Maine Campus

So as all of you lovely scum of the earth people who read my articles know, I am a cult expert. You may also know that The Pittiful News is a cult, if you did not know that, read my article about that very topic. Since I have made it clear that I am knowledgeable about being in a cult and have been open about being in many cults, I decided I would give all of you a quiz. Below I have put a list of things that are real things that have happened to me during a cultic encounter, others are fake scenarios of something that could happen in a cult, and the rest will be non-cult related activities real or fake.

1.      Snapped on someone’s hands, then had them snap on mine, then we both rubbed out hands together and blew on each other.

2.      Sat around a table while chanting a monotonous tune that has been ingrained in my head for my entire life, then an object is presented and is subsequently lit on fire, I am then made to stab this object only seconds after it has been extinguished, the group then all joyously eat this sacrifice.

3.      I was forced to skin an animal with my bare hands and then wear its skin for weekly rituals.

4.      I was blindfolded and taken by force. Once I awoke, I was surrounded by many familiar faces. I had been seeing a lot of these men for a while. They always referred to me as ‘brother’ then they had me drink a chalice of their blood. I questioned the safety of this activity and was smacked with a wooden object that had indents no bigger than ping pong balls. That is the last thing I remember before I woke up in my room wearing a red robe drenched in my blood as well as theirs.

5.      I was forced to tattoo a series of symbols on my skin. Even weirder, these symbols glowed. When I touched them, they made me faster, stronger, and more agile. The others with similar markings told me that I must use these gifts to fight anyone with demon blood.

6.      One time when I went to the supermarket these people approached me and pretended to be from the musical “Book of Mormon”. It was weird, they were not even that good at singing. I have seen that show multiple times and they did not know the script very well.

7.      I was wandering through the forest and I noticed many animals standing around in a circle. As I got closer, they did not seem to mind, which is normal as I am a vegan so animals trust that I mean them no harm. I noticed that their eyes were glowing purple. I then heard a voice in my head saying it was the deer standing in the circle. I listened and discovered that this was a group of ancient animals with powers. To force me to not reveal their secret the made me believe it was all a dream, but I know it was real, oh no, a deer, no, noooooo, ahhhhhhhh,

To find the answers, find the wish fish. He is hidden in a sock at the bottom of a great lake. He holds the answers you seek.

No Interviews for Old Men

By Eric Brinling

Happy and sad old man Blank Template - Imgflip

Recently I have decided to begin one of the most ambitious projects the Pittiful News has
ever seen. For the last few months, this has been my one goal, my drive, the thing that gets me
out of bed in the morning. And yet, I’ve been let down. Indeed, America has been let down, my
loyal readers, for my dreams of starting an interview segment have fallen flat as neither Joe
Biden nor Donald Trump have responded to my requests for interviews.
In November, when everything was all happy and hunky dory, I decided it would be a
good time to email the two of them and ask if they wanted to come on my show. We’re a
comedy newspaper, but I assured them that the jokes would be lighthearted and strictly
apolitical. It would be a fun time, I promised. And yet, neither one of them could give me a
simple “no” (or, more desirably, a “yes”).
And so, in lieu of an actual interview, I will present to you a few of my questions, and
you can make up their answers for yourself.

QUESTIONS FOR JOE BIDEN

 When you’re waiting for something, do you often say that you are ‘Biden’ your time?
 If your image was on a silly hat, in what pose would you prefer to be immortalized?
 May I call you Joey Bides when I’m telling my mom about this interview later?
 Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?
 If Kamala Harris mysteriously goes missing in upstate New York next Friday, would you
consider choosing me as your next VP?
 Do you agree with the observation that your face has gotten longer over the years? And,
if so, why the long face?
 How does it feel being nobody’s first choice for president?
 Why isn’t bolder action being taken with Democrats holding the presidency and
majorities in both chambers of the legislature?
 Do you keep a nightlight on to ward off Mitch McConnell, who is known to lurk in
darkness?
 Have you ever seen Obama naked?

QUESTIONS FOR DONALD TRUMP

 Both of us came dressed with the middle name John so obviously one of us has to
change. That wasn’t a question, but what if it was?
 If you know that everyone thinks your skin is orange-hued, why do you keep using that
orange spray tan? Literally everybody says it looks bad. This seriously baffles me.
 Were your feelings truly hurt by Facebook commenters calling you “Drumpf”?
 Do you agree that Donald is a silly name, or are you used to little kids giggling behind
your back at this point?
 Same question as the last one, but replace Donald with Trump.
 Had your mob succeeded in hanging Mike Pence, who was at the top of your list as
replacement VP? Was it me?
 Did someone many years ago dare you to say the word “tremendous” once for every
woman you’ve sexually assaulted?
 Did you intentionally propagate the lie of election fraud or were you too stupid and
egotistical to realize you actually lost?
 Would you rather the history books say you lost the election because you were unlikeable
or because you failed in the response to a pandemic and left hundreds of thousands of
Americans to die, meanwhile stoking the flames of a culture war of your own creation?
 Have you ever seen Rudy Giuliani naked?

We Need to Talk About 2021

By Abby Morgan

7 Top Stocks to Play 3 Hot Trends in 2021 | The Motley Fool

Guys. This isn’t ok. 

Like most people, I had high hopes for the new year. If 2020 bad, 2021 good, right? It’s the natural conclusion to draw. So on my socially distanced new years eve get together, when the clock struck midnight, my guests and I immediately ripped off our masks and kissed each other on the mouth. Covid was over, we had made it; or so I thought. 

About a week later, I got a call from a friend of mine who had caught covid. At first I thought I was being pranked. I mean, covid? In 2021? Impossible! But it was true, as I soon discovered after testing positive myself. Apparently we couldn’t just casually kiss our friends again yet. And this, I was willing to accept. Maybe I had gotten it wrong, maybe January 1st wasn’t the day everything was going to change. Because on January 1st, the orange man was still president. So I turned my hope towards the inauguration. Once America’s top girlboss Kamala and sweet innocent ex-racist Joe were in office, covid would surely go running for the hills. 

Not. 

Imagine how shocked I was to find out that on Joe’s first day as president, thousands of people still managed to contract the virus. Unbelievable. I was heartbroken. I had voted, yelled at my friends on facebook, reposted cute instagram infographics to get this man into office, and he couldn’t even do me the solid of ending this suffering? I had plans to go see the music man revival on broadway in february. The one with Sutton Foster!

After about a week of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to do something about it. I focused on what I could control in a situation that felt uncontrollable. And what I could control was my ability to use my parent’s connections to acquire citizenship in Australia. Now, covid seems like a silly thing of the past. And it goes to show you the value of working with what you’ve got in order to overcome insurmountable obstacles. 

So my message for those of you feeling hopeless or depressed about this deadly virus is to simply don’t. Depression is nothing but a mindset, something holding you back from achieving your true potential. Anyways, I’ve got plans to go clubbing. Yeah, that’s right, clubbing. Jealous? I would be too. But stay strong, it’s honestly not that bad as everyone is making it out to be. Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you all. It was hard for me to be this open and vulnerable, but I hope I’ve inspired you all to follow in my footsteps, and become the change you wish to see in the world.