“There is Too Much Food in Our Sugar”: Guest Opinion by FDA Chief Scientist

by Steven Brostrov, M.D., Chief Scientist of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration

With just about everybody resolving to lose weight in 2015, it’s high time to consider the single biggest reason for rampant obesity in the U.S. And it is not sugar, as misguided dieticians would have you believe. It is food.

There is too much food added to our sugar, and it is the food that makes us fat. If you don’t believe me, put some sugar in a glass of water and swirl it. Sugar disappears. But put food in there and it stays.

Magic? No, science.

That’s what happens in your digestive system and what scientists have misunderstood for decades: sugar disappears, and food stays and crawls under your skin as fat. Besides, sugar makes up a meager 17% of the American diet and it thus less likely than food to be the number one culprit.

In the coming year we should eat more sugar and less food. Any biology textbook will tell you that sugar is the purest form of energy for your body. Food, on the other hand, is useless weight used primarily as a vessel for sugar. The more food we add to our sugar, the less sugar we can consume, since we can only eat a certain amount of food.

Greedy food companies are of course to blame. For decades now they have been adding ridiculous amounts of food to all the different sugars that we know and love, from bread to pasta to condiments to meats to canned goods.

We should also consider what adding such exorbitant amount of food to our sugar does on a bigger scale. According to the Credit Suisse Report, “30% – 40% of healthcare expenditures in the USA go to help address issues that are closely tied to the […] consumption of sugar.” If the greedy food companies keep making us eat less sugar by loading it with food, the healthcare industry, among others, will suffer. Just think how many doctors, nurses, insulin pump manufacturers and distributers, and weight-loss book authors would lose their jobs for lack of demand!

Perhaps it is them, and not your precious self you should think about the next time you decide to eat something with only a couple of tablespoons of sugar in it.

And so, as the stress-free days of holiday gluttony draw to a close and the stressful months of job and school gluttony loom on the horizon, I encourage all of you to seek out only the purest forms of sugar, unadulterated by food. Be it corn-syrup-and-sugar porridge or a reduced-water carbonated beverage, there is something for every palate.

Neuroscientists Prove Brain Wired to Make Colors Appear on Computer Screen

Aw come on, don’t these look awesome?!

In a series of groundbreaking brain-imaging studies, a team of neuroscientists from Tufts University proved that the human brain is hardwired to make juicy blobs of color appear on the screen of a computer connected to an fMRI machine, which measures brain activity.

“No matter what task we had the participants carry out while in the machine, colors appeared on our computer screens on top of an image of their brain,” said researcher Sara Metphie. The team also found that the neural network responsible for the color disco consists of every single cell in the brain. “Millions of years of evolution have hardwired our brains to make colorful pictures on computer screens. Try as we might, turns out we have no control over it,” she said.

Neuropsychologists believe that the colorful pictures help explain a wide range of human behavior, from believing in God to gambling to twerking on camera.

“Now that we know that we’re wired to make colors splash across computer screens, it no longer makes sense to blame children for acting out or call someone who acts like an idiot an idiot,” said Pitt neuropsychologist Samuel Bzoltik, adding that the production of blobs of color may even be the sole purpose of human existence and the answer to age-old philosophical questions. “Just look at how cool and scientific those pictures look!”

The researchers said that in the foreseeable future they will keep examining colorful brain scans to try to figure out whether people use their brains to think.

Same Old B.S. to Happen in 2015, World-weary Experts Predict

A panel of six middle-aged burnt-out experts from many fields released a public statement that the coming year will basically be the same old bullshit happening all over again, with no end in sight. “Yeah-yeah-yeah, new year, whoopee-freakin-doo, same crap in a different wrapper, and more expensive, too,” read the slurred statement. The panel members publicly announced the forecast at a bar where they had first met each other a few hours ago, having escaped there from their families and solitude. The experts also reminisced about how it was back in the day and advised the audience to get it while they’re still young. 

At the request of the audience, the experts pooled their brainpower and extrapolating skills to draft a list of the most anticipated changes that 2015 will bring:

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After a round-table discussion on the current condition of the never-changing state of affairs, the panel members straggled out of the bar because “ah what the hell.”

Headline Grabbed Reader’s Attention! With Teasing Bit of News!!

The first sentence succinctly told the reader what happened when and where or who did what, and why! The first paragraph contained the most essential information about the news so that even if the reader stopped reading halfway through the article he or she would know the gist of what had happened.

But simply telling what happened didn’t satisfy the ambitious article! And so in the second paragraph it explained the significance of this news and put it in context. The naughty paragraph reportedly even flashed some statistics, being like, I’m smart as shit and Imma dazzle you with numbers.

“Here’s more on what happened and why it matters,” said a person whose credentials the attribution gave to earn the reader’s trust, noting whatever else the source had said in paraphrase so as to keep direct quotations relatively short. “Here’s another juicy quote.”

One-line paragraphs were like, boom!! I’m snappy!!

“Bet you didn’t see this one coming,” said another source of an unexpected angle on the story or bit of background information. The rest of the article’s body gave background on the main news to the persistent few still reading it. It desperately hoped to tide the reader over until the punchy treat of an ending.

“This part of a quote blew the reader’s mind about one quarter of the way,” said a source. The article made the last-ditch effort to tell the latest developments in such a way that the reader’s time wasn’t wasted on boring blather. “This one blew it the rest of the way.”

Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech First Thing Writer Ever Wrote

Local aspiring writer Ted Femsel, 20, confirmed that the first thing he ever wrote in his literary career was the acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize in Literature his brilliant fiction would one day earn him.

“I haven’t actually written any fiction yet, but I already got a dozen short stories and a couple novels sketched out in my head, and trust me, they’re so much better than anything literature has had to offer so far,” said Femsel, the future recipient of the world’s most prestigious literary award. He then spent all of his free time planning his visit to Stockholm for the award ceremony, looking at hotels, restaurants, and tourist attractions. But after two weeks of hard work, Femsel realized that perhaps he was getting too far ahead of himself and should instead devote him time and efforts to more important aspects of being a successful writer.

“First I need to build a stunning website for myself, and since I can’t entrust the vision that I have for it to anybody else, I’ll have to master HTML on my own,” Femsel explained. “Then I need to design my business cards, find a literary agent and publisher discerning enough to publish me, find the right movie company to sell film rights to, and come up with profound answers to common interview questions.

With a heavy sigh, he added, “Yeah…it’s hard to be a great writer.”

Nation Goes Nuts as 10 Days Remain to Fulfil New Year’s Resolutions

Martin Pelterton wasted no time when he realized two days ago that he had forgotten all about his New Year’s resolutions for this year. He and his wife Judi, both having resolved to spend more time with their family and do exciting things, tossed their teenage children Rody and Stacy into the car and rushed off.

“With the kids in the back learning Norwegian and memorizing the dictionary, we quit smoking at once and drove to the bank – both to rob it and to get out of debt,” said Pelterton, looking up from a graduate school application. “While Judi inched toward her sister’s record in Temple Run 2 and I kept the hostages under control, we let Rody kill one of them so he could finally see whether he’s a trembling creature or has the right.” The Peltertons then continued to bond in the car while zooming through picturesque landscapes and must-see cities.

Pelterton is but one of millions of procrastinating Americans moved to such determined fulfillment of the departing year’s suddenly-remembered resolutions.

Reports confirmed that fast-paced madness seized the country. Overwhelmed by skyrocketing demand, instructors of everything from Indonesian dance to nuclear reactor maintenance are joining forces to teach everyone everything. Satellite images show the faint maroon glow over the country emanating from the strained faces of people intensely wishing for promotion, abstaining from their bad habits, and trying to change themselves for the better. While fitness clubs stay open 24/7, publishers prepare for an influx of hastily written manuscripts, and government committees steel themselves for an avalanche of the most outlandish proposed bills of the year, fast food chains and shitty employers are reporting financial losses.

“Three point one four one five nine two,” rattled off Kelsey Doonp, who had begun memorizing the first thousand digits of π right after marrying a guy from Tinder. “Six five three five eight nine.” Doonp added that after seven nine three two three eight four six two, she would six four three three eight three.

The American Illuminati declined to comment what resolutions they had left for the exciting last days of this year.

Ebola Epidemic Linked to Lack of Preventive Hashtags

A study to be published in Epidemiology blames the Ebola virus epidemic in West Africa on the shocking lack of preventive hashtag use by First-Worldlings. The researchers estimated that the use and proliferation of Twitter hashtags urging to stop Ebola and threatening it to stop could have saved 95 percent of victims had it been done before the situation got out of hand.

“If the last few years showed us anything, it’s the power of hashtags to solve urgent problems, resolve crises, and #SaveTheWorld at large,” said lead researcher Linda Prtinesque, noting that disease prevention is no exception. “A single photo of a pouting Michelle Obama holding up a sign with an appropriate hashtag, if transmitted via satellite to Africa, would have stopped the epidemic in its infancy. I guess we’ve blown our chance. Now only an avalanche of tweeted hashtags can possibly slow the epidemic.”

Pertinesque’s preliminary research shows that tweets by people already involved in the relief efforts—such as doctors, nurses, aid workers, financial donors, and “misguided scientists looking for a chemical cure”—make the biggest impact in the fight against Ebola. She is to appear on national television to urge said group of people to stop their ineffective work and instead take up the hashtags to #BeatBackEbola.

Movie Theaters Remain Closed This Christmas; Jews to Sit Quietly and Think About What They Did

Christmas has always been a day of Chinese food, movies and feelings of mild-jealousy for Jews living in predominantly Christian areas.  But this year movie theatres and Chinese restaurants will remain closed on Christmas Day, due to numerous requests from Fox News correspondents and other self described “Christmas purists.”

“We Americans are starting to lose sight of Christmas Day, as a sort of time-out for the Jewish people,” said Fox News correspondent, Gretchen Carlson. In the past, many have accused Carlson of trying to push her faith/creepy love of Christmas onto others. She insists that this isn’t true. “The War on Christmas is so last year. What worries me is now that they’ve cleverly developed their own set of traditions, the boredom of being a Jew on Christmas won’t be enough to compel them to stare at a wall while thinking about what they did 2,000 years ago.”

This has caused confusion for many among the Jewish community, especially those of mixed-faith families. “What are families like ours supposed to do with the children?” wondered Mary Beth Feldman-Smith, mother of three.  “Have them open presents in the morning and engage in quiet collective-guilt related activities in the afternoon?”

Pioneer Plaques Come Back with Message from ETs

Note the misanthropy glowing in the upper left corner.

On Tuesday NASA announced the first received reply to an attempt to contact extraterrestrials: “nice try LMAO :D” The message was scribbled in black marker on the Pioneer plaques, a pair of aluminum plaques with a pictorial message for extraterrestrials that were sent beyond the Solar System aboard the Pioneer 1 and 2 spacecraft in 1972 and ’73. An alien-made capsule containing the plaques parachuted into NASA headquarters last week.

“Um, yeah…this is huge and stuff, but not quite what we were expecting,” said Nathan Kilduff, head of the NASA group analyzing the plaques. “Chemical analysis revealed traces of mockery and condescending laughter on the surface of the plaques that were like, ‘you stupid cavemen, thinking we don’t know what you or your solar system looks like or that we haven’t been watching your ludicrous little lives for centuries now, you pathetic worms,’” Kilduff said. He added that mass spectrometry of the particles of extraterrestrial matter found on the plaques spelled out that maybe we should first learn to live entirely in the fifth dimension or at least break the speed of light before they deign to have anything to do with the amoebas that we are.

Extraterrestrials declined to comment, citing our unworthiness.

“Why Can’t Kim Jong-un Stick to Ruining Things For People in His Own Country?” asks James Franco

Seth Rogan and James Franco were none too thrilled to learn that their movie “The Interview” would be canceled due to terror threats from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. “Can’t Kim Jong-un just be happy with the 24.9 million North Korean lives the global community allows him to ruin? Why is he trying to ruin our American movie too?”moaned James Franco, while dramatically crumpling up a poster for “The Interview” and tossing it into a pile of now unsellable merchandise.

“How can he get away with this?” Rogan asked. The answer to his question is actually very simple. North Korea benefits from what political scientists are calling the hey-look-at-us-we’re-not-as-messed-up-as-they-are-in-the-Middle-East phenomenon, by which a nation state can get away with pretty much anything, so long as whatever is happening in countries that have decent sized oil reserves is at least slightly more appalling.

 “To be honest, North Korea is like number 10 on the list of things I worry about,” said director of the CIA John O. Brennan. “That puts it behind number seven sinkholes, number eight whether microwaves cause cancer and number nine whatever happens if ISIS actually makes a caliphate.”

North Korean refugee, Ae Chul couldn’t understand the widespread disappointment the news had caused. “Your country’s list of acceptable movies is far longer than our country’s list of acceptable haircuts. Surely when it comes time for annual-family-movie-leisure-hour you Americans will not suffer for want of movies,” she said.

Chul was gracious enough to offer her sympathy to Franco and Rogan. “Kim Jong-un has prevented the release of many things I care deeply about,” she said. “Specifically my mother, father, and brother from hard labor camps. But perhaps there is a way your beloved movie can be made available on the internet or sent to DVD.”

Franco and Rogan gasped in horror at the words “sent to DVD.”