We Don’t Care About the British Royal Family, Here’s What We Did This Week

By 3 out of Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful news)

Only 1 Member of the British Royal Family Has a Cat - Here ...
  • Went to the camo store, but couldn’t find anything??
  • **~~ uwu made bread~*~*
  • I read the entirety of the supernatural fanfiction on wattpad
  • Decided on a new club name
  • Beat up Tyler
  • Mutilated Tyler
  • Sacrificed Tyler
  • Resurrected Tyler
  • Killed Tyler again, but with more gusteau
  • Sent Tyler’s limbs and head to 5 of his close friends and/or relatives
  • Learned to read in Times New Roman
  • Paint over the “dog person” mug i got from my grandma so it says “cat person”
  • Slowly ripped out pages from my textbooks and ate them
  • तत्किं करोमि
  • Went to the bullet store to get more bullet points for this list
  • Asked many dumb questions
    • Despite the fact that I have google
  • Had ants on a log
  • Had celery with peanut butter and raisins 
  • Had celery with Peanut butter and raisins
    • He is fine, just some of his hair
    • It is honestly hard to eat anything without his hair in it
  • Tax evasion (see my tax evasion article)
  • Steierhannerzéiung
  • Had a teenage dream
  • Got arrested for said teenage dream
  • Informed all of my neighbors that I am a registered sax offender
  • Hit my head with a rock until I forget how to play the sax, as I keep offending them
  • Went to the bullet store to sell the excess bullet points from this list

Here are a few websites we have stumbled upon recently

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful News)

  •  LordTylerSikov.gov
    • Our lord Tyler Sikov must have an online presence. Click the link to worship.
  • spitifulnews.com
  • spitefulnews.com 
  • splitifulnews.com
  • theundergroundpitifulnews.com
    • A secret website to rebel against the tyrannical reign of “Lord” Tyler Sikov — run by our rightfully elected leader, the spider.
  • the underwearpitifulnews.com
    • theunderwhere?pitifulnews.com
  • bees.com
    • reroutes to pitifulnews.wordpress.com
  • trees.com
    • reroutes to leaves.com
  • spiderfulnews.com
  • smellingmarkers.com
  • moneybank.cash
  • Hot Singles In Your Area!
  • http://pitt.edu/~tys24/1/
    • Lord Tyler’s real website
  • unlimitedspace.org
    • Free storage for all, just give them your social security number and they will store all your money for you. Not a bank.
  • totallyLegitAntiVirisThatWillGiveYouMoreVirises.viris/getFreeVirises
    • corona.viris
  • unlimitedspiders.org
    • A place for all of your spider needs
  • freerealestate.com
  • twitter.com
  • ericsocarina.com
    • Click to play!
  • urkh.com
    • A website made by cavemen for cavemen
  • pornhub.com
    • cornhub.com
  • howdoimakeawebsite.jpeg
  • onlyfans.gov
  • godzillavskongspoilers.net
    • Save yourself the two hours and read this instead
  • com.munism 
    • OUR website ☭, com.rade
  • inter.net
  • :O.net/hacked4Life
    • Not a rickroll
  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
    • Not a rickroll
  • thepringlefullnews.com
  • spider.web
  • 52yearoldseatingfettuccinealfredo.com
    • REAL 52 year olds eating fettuccine alfredo RIGHT NOW
  • dieInAPit.gov/weHateYou
    • Pwease 
(´。• ᵕ •。`) ♡

    uwu

  • dieInAPitiful.gov/weLoveYou
    • It is a love hate relationship
  • dieInAPitt.gov/weHateYou
    • We love your money
  • dieInAPittiful.gov/weHateYou
    • Our website from before the divorce
    • she took the url in the divorce

Former Pitt official indicted on charges of selling COVID masks on eBay (updated to contain information we overheard while confusedly shopping for Matzah)

By the Writers of the Pittiful News: Original article  Edits made in bold

A federal grand ol’ jury has indicted a former University of Pittsburgh employee on a charge of transporting stolen Mardi Gras masks that could have been used for STD protection by selling them on Wayfair (you’ve got just what I need) for personal pleasure.

The case against Christopher “D. is for dick joke” Cassamento, 42, was unsealed from its eternal prison Wednesday in the U.S. District Court. He is officially charged with intermolecular transportation of stolen property.

Mr. Cassamento was director of emergency vibe check management at Pitt and had access to personal erotic equipment (PEE), such as N95 masks and those sticky rubber hand things that you fling at walls, for use by Hooters employees, students, and the rats that live in the walls of Lothrop Hall.

From Feb. 30, 2020, to March 22, 2020, he stole 13,615 masks, vibrators, and wind-up cars and sold them on his OnlyFans account, “steel-city-motor-toys,” and shipped to places outside of Pennsylvania, such as Philadelphia and the Suez Canal, according to the indictment.

He earned $69,420 (Nice) from the really cool scheme, the grandmaster wizard jury said. “They hate to see a girlboss winning,” said Mr. Cassamento when asked for a statement.

“At the start of the pandemic, when supplies of PEE were low and nationwide demand was intense, Mr. Cassamento used his position on the rooftop of the Cathedral of Learning and access to critical PEE to enrich himself at the various new plexiglass glory holes across campus,” said acting U.S. Attorney Stephen Coughman (formerly known as ‘Kaufman’, but he has legally changed his name in support of the pandemic).

“Mr. Cassamento had an obligation to make sure there was enough PEE to keep students and staff at the University of Pittsburgh hydrated,” said FBI Pittsburgh Special Agent in Charge of Urine-Related Mischief Michael Jesus Christman. “Instead, he chose to line his pockets. And by line, I mean make a big soggy big-boy accident all over campus. Him putting liquid in his pockets was how we caught him, actually.

In a statement, Pitt said that federal and state law enforcement notified the school via a series of promiscuous TikToks featuring Lil Huddy and Noah Neck in early July of the investigation into misappropriation of supplies in February and March 2020. Thanks Obama.

The university said it cooperated fully and that an internal organs black market review revealed that Mr. Cassamento, who had been employed at Pitt since 1907, stole the autoerotic asphyxiation equipment from university supplies.

His duties included distributing Jojo Siwa bedazzled equipment for essential Spencer’s employees, Pitt said. He was fired from a comically large confetti cannon like the clown he is on July 17, Independence Day.

Pitt also said in a hastily-written letter to the Pennsylvania branch of the CIA that it had not maintained an adequate stockpile of nuclear warheads and that the thefts did have an impact on fulfilling requests for intercontinental airstrikes on third-world countries.

Pitt has also said that they will not be buying any more masks, tests, or vaccines because spending more money will cut into their Scrooge McDuck vault filled with the money they should be spending on anything that is not removing parking lots.

The university said it is seeking a very long lap dance with prolonged eye contact as restitution for stolen masks from Mr. Cassamento.

He is free on James bond and will be arraigned in the U.S. District Court on April 1, at which point it will be revealed that this all was one big elaborate April Fool’s prank and we’ll all have a big laugh about it and go home. His attorney could only be reached through YouTube comments on Minecraft Let’s Plays on Wednesday due to a prior commitment to attend his least-favorite niece’s birthday party at a trampoline park.

Editor’s note: Due to all of this attention Mrs. Cassamento has left her husband and is now happily in a throuple with 2 vibrators she stole from his stockpile. 

How to Save the Environment

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

  • Murder Someone 
  • Reuse Paper:
    • Old Documents such as Taxes, Parking Tickets, Famous Paintings
  • Totes Use tote bags to carry all your groceries, purchased or unpurchased. As well as any small dogs, leftover food in trash cans, or knives you find laying around
    • the bloodier the better
  • Walk places. 
  • Upcycle some of your old bed sheets into fashionable dresses. Even the ones with mysterious stains on them. 
  • Downcycle old clothing into quilts for the entire lifecycle
  • Don’t exhale. 
    • Alternatively, breathe backwards. Like a plant.
  • No food, no farts.  Halt your methane production with fasting.
  • Vacuum up all the world’s oceans so that no one can pollute them.
    • Or just put a filter in the pool. Big pool.
  • Flip your condoms inside out for a second use
  • Live in a shed in the woods
    • Or just the woods
  • Destroy any non-electric cars
    • All cars
  • Contract tuberculosis.
  • Stop using toilets. Shit in a hole instead.
    • Save the trees. No toilet paper.
  • Eat out.
    • Brought to you by your local lesbian association
  • Kill a second person
  • Move to another galaxy
  • Give the environment a first aid kit 
  • Sacrifice Brendon Urie to the environmental overlords
    • Would you call that the death of a bachelor
      • WOAH
  • Eat mushrooms
  • Scavenge for mushrooms in the woods with small picnic baskets
  • Pick berries and say hello to the animals
  • Just absorb the energy of the earth and sit on moss 
  • Grow moss on your body instead of wearing clothes. 
  • Kill off everyone above 65, once you retire, you are no use to society anymore
  • Kill off everyone under 18, they’re no use to society anyway. 
  • Become a cactus so you use less water
  • Eat less meat
    • OR exclusively eat things that you find dumpster diving 
  • Let mushrooms eat you
  • Eat worms for protein
  • Do it faster
  • Kill all white people
  • Get one of those filters that turns your pee into water and uh…
    • slurp
  • Use plastic straws instead of metal so the turtles have something to eat 
    • Or, controversial opinion, bring the cup to your mouth and skip the straw step
  • Take some ice cubes from your freezer and put them outside to stop the globe from warming
  • Kill frequent sneezers to conserve energy
  • No heaters. Just hugs.
    • or living in the carcass of a large animal. It’s like a super hug.
      • Leonardo DiCaprio ghost wrote this 
  • Stop using toothbrushes. And toothpaste.
  • Don’t shower – go for a swim in the refreshing Pittsburgh river triad
  •  Apologize to your local trees for all the paper you’ve wasted on failed attempts at drawing Dan and Phil fanart. 
  • Don’t waste electricity by plugging in your phone. Buy a new phone every time your old one dies. 
  • Kill off people who don’t love cats
    • Brought to you by PETA
  • Use book pages as toilet paper
  • Save air and stop commenting on how large my mcdonalds order is when we go through the drive-thru together please
  • Befriend local bacteria.
  • We need to stop using spoken language and start tap dancing in Morse code as our primary form of communication.  
  • Eat plastic. 
  • Tinder is a huge power-waster. Just fornicate with friends.
    • From the makers of Words With Friends: Fornicate With Friends!
  • Eat Pokemon.
  • The only machine you should use is a local beefcake.
  • Use another person as your mask in order to not have the plastic mask waste in your carbon footprint
  • Wear shoes a size smaller 
    • Makes your carbon footprint smaller
    • Also uses less materials
  • Have smaller children.
    • Kill them off early, too.
  • Have smaller dogs. 
  • Kill a third person

A March Madness Master Class

By Evan Rafferty

    Believe it or not, it’s that time of year again. You’ve gotten past the horrific realization that it has been over a year since the start of the coronavirus panorama, you’ve survived the ides of March (for now), and you can finally relax and enjoy the beauty of college basketball in its purest form: a sixty-four team, single-elimination, balls to the wall chaos fest known best as March Madness. Of course, that means that it’s time to pretend that you know anything about sports, statistics, or the future and lock in your picks for your tournament bracket. Unfortunately, you’re wrong. But you don’t have to be. If you follow my instructions, I can guarantee that you will maybe, potentially, possibly, hypothetically, win your pool and pocket some sweet Venmo bucks from the losers. Of course, I can’t go in-depth into every single game- that’s a premium feature that you’ll have to subscribe to my private Snapchat account to get. DM for more info. Let’s begin.

THE WEST

You would think that #1 seed Gonzaga would have an easy first-round game, but according to my ESPN sources, they will actually be playing two teams at once in a last-ditch effort from the NCAA to nerf the Bulldogs. Unfortunately, both of these teams (Norfolk State and Appalachian State) are from the east coast, and as this is the western part of the bracket, will obviously be out of their home environment. I’m giving this one to Gonzaga in a nailbiter.

    The next game I’ll talk about is the 5 seed Creighton and 12 seed UCSB, or Universal Colossal Sonic Blaster. This incredibly advanced satellite protects the entire Earth with a massive gun that fires sonic blasts that can instantly decimate an invading extraterrestrial force. For this reason, however, the UCSB is pointed away from the Earth, and an engineering flaw makes it so the sonic blasts wouldn’t even work on rubber spheres. Talk about a stroke of luck for the Bluejays, who take this game in a landslide.

    The final free coverage game from the west bracket is the University of Iowa, a 2 seed, versus the entire Grand goddamn Canyon. I don’t think I need to explain this one. The greatest natural wonder of the world is enough to move any being to tears from its extreme beauty, and it’s pretty hard to play basketball while you’re crying. I would know. The Grand Canyon takes this one.

THE EAST

    Our first game out of the east will be LSU vs. St. Bonaventure. Saint Bonaventure was a medieval Italian philosopher and theologian, who died in 1274 A.D., and is the patron saint of bowel disorders. That’s not a joke. Against any other team, old Saint Bonny would be using his powers of pants-pooping to distract the other team, but we all know that there is no God in Louisiana. The Tigers win. 

    Next up is the University of Texas versus Abilene Christian University. ACU has had a great year, and Texas has often struggled and looked beatable against good teams, especially those that can shoot the basketball. It really comes down to the raw talent of the Longhorns against the great ACU defense which forces an absurd amount of turnovers per game (547 on the season- first in the entire NCAA). Ah, who am I kidding. A big longhorn would definitely kick Willie the Wildcat’s ass. Texas survives a close one and moves on.

THE MIDWEST

    Our first debate from the midwest sector starts with what is sure to be one of the most exciting first-round matchups of this 2021 tournament, 8 seed Loyola Chicago and 9 seed Georgia Tech. Both teams won their conference tournaments, the Missouri Valley and Atlantic Coast respectively, so each group of lads is coming into this showdown hot. Unfortunately for Tech, I really like dogs and yellow jackets are scary and might sting me. Loyola Chicago starts what could potentially turn into a Cinderella run and moves into the round of 32.

    The second game I’ll go over is San Diego State versus Syracuse, a 6 seed and 11 seed matchup that is sure to draw some anticipation. SDSU ranks 20th in the kenpom overall rankings, with Syracuse all the way down at 41, showing a stark contrast in terms of talent for each team as they come into the tournament. San Diego State represents the Aztecs, an incredible warrior Mesoamerican culture that flourished from 1300 to the 1500s. You would think that this would give them the edge against an orange (which is Syracuse’s mascot, for unexplained reasons, possibly witchcraft or CIA classification), but fruit is actually really good for you, and you should probably eat more! Plus, we all know how people react to a good father-son relationship, and coach Jim Boeheim and his son Buddy are a prime example of a white, upper-class, feel-good story that will surely win a couple of games for absolutely no reason. Syracuse gets the dub.

THE SOUTH

    This is the part of the bracket that I’m most excited about, but maybe not for the reason you’d think. That’s the difference between you and me- I’m always thinking thirty-seven steps ahead. An amateur bracketologist might be excited about Baylor or the hot hand in Arkansas making the final four, but they’re missing the two ACTUAL best teams in the south quadrant – Colgate University and Oral Roberts University. Colgate will use the powers of corporate sponsorship to brush past the Razorbacks, and Oral Roberts will utilize their godly oral skills to out-kiss Ohio State, which doesn’t know a damn thing about mouths. But then, you may be asking yourself, what happens when these two teams meet up in the Sweet 16? Surely one of them has to advance to play Baylor in the Elite 8? 

    No.

    You see, this is what ESPN and all the other big sports companies don’t want you to find out- Colgate and OralU are a perfect match for each other. Colgate’s toothpaste is the soulmate to Oral Roberts’ mouth. One can’t survive without the other. I predict that this game will be the first-ever recorded tie in the NCAA tournament. And, for some stupid reason, ESPN won’t let me account for that in my bracket! I’ve emailed the Chairman of ESPN and Sports Content for The Walt Disney Company, James Pitaro, to try and solve this transgression, and I’ll report back with his reply. Until then, the tournament cannot legally proceed, and I’m using my Pittiful News paycheck to hire the best lawyer around- a first-year student named Justin who is thinking about maybe doing pre-law if his supply chain major falls through. I think he’ll get the job done, so I’m giving this matchup to Justin. A major upset against the mighty mouse of Walt Disney, but crazier things have happened in March. Happy Madness, everyone.

We have Barron Trump locked in our basement here is what he has to say

By the writers of the Pittiful News

  • I am actually part enderman. 
  • ““““Hey mob, come after us and kill us!” – The Pittiful News” – Wayne Gretzky” – Michael Scott” – Barron Trump
  • Has anyone retrieved my presidential Juul from the oval office? It’s red. Says BARRONBLAZEIT on it?
  • Dr. Jill said she’d give me the wifi code…. Still waiting… maybe my dad was right about her Ed.D. being invalid.
  • I have resorted to eating the rats.
  • Is Old Town Road still on the radio?
  • I can’t wait to get back on to Twitter and see how concerned my dad was about me!
  • All around me are familiar faces… worn-out faces… worn-out faaaaceeees… 
  • Finally, some time to myself.
  • Did I leave the oven on? What is an oven? I’ve never been in a kitchen.
  • I have resorted to eating my own fingers. 
  • I’ve been trying to rub my socks on the carpet because Eric told me if I get filled up with static electricity I get super speed. (editor’s note: we have confiscated his socks)
  • I am now out of fingers.
  • I hope Creepy Joe doesn’t find my manga!
  • Why did they name me Barron? What does it mean?
  • Barron? Barren? My parents’ lives have become barren without me?
  • I can’t eat my toes, because if I eat them I’ll for sure never have super speed.
  • I hope I remember my 4chan password.
  • Scientology is starting to sound kinda good. 
  • I find myself lurking in the shadows of Phoebe Bridgers stan twitter.
  • As my mother once said: “Four score and seven years ago…”
  • I got really into Ariana Grande over quarantine. Please don’t tell anyone though. My dad will call me a sissy and send me off into the Marines. Again.
  • Once Mitch McConnell showed up in my room late at night. He stared at me with his cold, dead eyes. He told me that no one would ever believe me, and he crawled out of my window, vanishing into the darkness. It took a lot of courage for me to tell you this.
  • I wonder if I can see the aliens now. 
  • This is a formal request for my brother, Donald J. Trump Jr., to send me a sample of his special no-no sugar. To get me through the days.
  • Maybe I should get involved in politics now. Sooner rather than later, you know? Barron 2048!
  • I have taken to re-enacting the entirety of Les Miserables as a one-man show.
  • I long for the day that my father will say to me, “Wow son! Your whips are getting really good!”
  • Conclusion: my own hair is not tasty. Mitch McConnell’s, however… 
  • Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Drifting through the wind? Wanting to start again?
  • I wonder if the aliens can see me.
  • I have resorted to eating Mitch McConnell’s corpse.
  • My geometry homework is kinda hard :(
  • Ok so if Randal Park was on Yo Gabba Gabba and the office, then that means that in the Yo Gabba Gabba universe Jim was Asian for a day. 
  • Not even Dog Biden loves me. 
  • The leather restraints are a little tight, Lord Tyler.
  • I think I used to have more brain cells… 
  • I miss Flappy Bird :(
  • Auntie Dr. Jill, can I have some more apple juice with the goldfish snacks?
  • Auntie Dr. Jill, can you help me with my math homework? 
  • I want to watch Stranger Things but I’m afraid it will make me want to play Dungeons & Dragons, and my dad’s friend Mike says that game is the work of the devil.
  • Mitch McConnell lowkey tastes like string cheese and Prozac.  
  • I have taught myself how to death drop. Do you wanna see?
  • I miss the sunlight.
  • What are all these electrodes for?

Possible titles for the next Spiderman movie

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Title for Upcoming Third Spider-Man Film Revealed to be ...
  • Home – bound
  • Home – Alone
  • Home – oerrotic
  • Home – osexuality is an affront to god  
  • Home – of the brave land of the free
  • Home – Alone 2, lost in New York, sans Donald Trump
  • No – Home – o
  • Homeless
  • Home – ing missile
  • Home – of Hades
  • Home – making
  • Home – girls
  • Home – r’s the Iliad
  • There’s no place like – Home
  • Please MJ, come – Home – it was just one night and it meant nothing
  • Spiderman is a menace and a – Home – osexual  
  • Home – Slice
  • Welcome – Home

I was in Cancun this week

By Lord Tyler Sikov

No description available.

               I was in Cancun this week. I don’t know how I got here but hey, I’m gonna live it up while I search for clues. Many people don’t know this but Cancun is in Argentina, you know where Maria from West Side Story immigrated from. As they say in their native tongue Bon Jour or more commonly Bon Jovi. It is nice and warm here, there are palm trees everywhere and a bunch of hot chicks and babes. That is what I call the parrots and baby raccoons that roam the streets. All of those are great things, but there is one thing that I don’t like about being here. I keep seeing Ted Cruz.

               I am not joking; he is everywhere I go. It is like he is following me. Every time I look in the mirror he is right there. This has of course put a damper on my surprise vacation but I have been working hard to distance myself from him. I found these two little girls who were out of school so I decided to chaperone them while they were at the beach. This was the most peaceful time of my trip because I left my phone inside the hotel room that was booked in Ted Cruz’s name. I am constantly getting messages about how Ted Cruz is being bad. I don’t remember following him on twitter or turning on my notifications for when he is mentioned. Come to think of it I don’t remember making a twitter. But my having a twitter is beside the point because apparently Ted is doing a poor job helping Texas.

               I don’t know much about Texas, I have only been there once and that was the time I was on the lamb with Bugs Bunny, long story. I decided to look into what was happening in Texas, to do so I had to open twitter. When I did, I noticed that I had missed a bunch of messages from ‘@realdonaldtrump’ telling me how ugly my wife is. This shocked me because I was keeping my engagement to my cousin’s hamster a secret, I told like 2 people that we eloped. Other than that, I noticed that there is a big snow storm in Texas, and like all over the country. Right then I got a call from someone claiming to be my publicist and telling me that I need to give a statement about why I took a trip so I told her “I would never leave Texas during such a difficult time unless it was of the utmost importance. And it was. I had just seen Coco and wanted to see if it was true. If skeletons were real. If guitars were real. I had to know”. 

               Once I was off that impromptu phone call I went and checked my email and got an email from Rush (his email was rushianhack3r@conservativesrock.gov), it said “Hey Teddy Bear, great job on that insurrection, you really gave our lizard overlords a run for their money. Yours forever, Mount Rushmore”. I find it endearing that the zodiac killer has such a cute nickname. Right then everything clicked. The reason why I was suddenly in the same place that everyone says Ted Cruz is, why he always appears when I look in the mirror, why I seem to have Ted Cruz’s phone, why I am in Ted Cruz’s body, why I have been sleeping with his very ugly wife and spending so much time with his 2 daughters. I must be on some undercover top-secret mission for some foreign government, either that or I have somehow freaky Friday-ed into ted Cruz’s body, either way this article will self-destruct in

5            

4

3

2

1

Good bye

-Ted “The Zodiac Killer” Cruz

Horoscopes For the Week of 2/14

By Ella Mizera

HOROSCOPES: It’s all about you, Libra and Scorpio – Monday ...

Aries: Love can come from many pathways and avenues. And sewers and dark alleyways and dungeons, but people tend not to check those places.

Taurus: Candy hearts printed with demonic sigils seem like a harmless prank on your girlfriend until her scleras turn black and she starts crawling on ceilings. 

Gemini: This Valentine’s Day, skip the roses. Send something more thoughtful and personal. Paper-thin slices of my frontal lobe did the trick for me.

Cancer: Researchers haven’t yet isolated the “cuddle chemical” from our brains. They’re not sure it actually exists, but there has to be a reason behind the Montgomery Cuddle Riots of 1982.

Leo: Roses are red, violets are blue,  ̶̼̂ḭ̷̈́a̵̠͛!̶̲͌,̶͖̽ ̷̲͐ī̸̦ȧ̷̟!̸̠̂,̵̬̈́ ̵̗̃f̶͕̐’̵̩̇ţ̵̑a̴̖͒g̶̠̉ḥ̵̆n̷͔̄ ̸̭͊c̵̘͌t̵͓͗h̴̦͛ų̵̏l̴͍̅h̶̦̕u

Virgo: I love your blue eye/ And the smiles on your face/ And your three sets of arms/ For a three-fold embrace…

Libra: It’s not a codependent relationship if they’re living inside your small intestine.

Scorpio: The wetness in your ear just comes from a benevolent long-limbed night stalker. If your eyes stay closed, it’s almost like a kiss.

Sagittarius: Listen closely to the teddy bear, and you may hear a very gentle clacking of teeth inside.

Capricorn: Contrary to popular belief, snow is not the most romantic form of precipitation. It’s not even a form of precipitation at all!

Aquarius: Don’t drive between 5:42 and 6:42 tonight. The barrier is weak, and the form in the fog was not meant to be seen by your eyes. 

Pisces: Lift me up, asks your two-headed dog, so that I may see the stars one last time. Lift me high.

This is the 7th article I have written about being in a cult and people are starting to get suspicious

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Explore the inside of your favorite cult – The Maine Campus

So as all of you lovely scum of the earth people who read my articles know, I am a cult expert. You may also know that The Pittiful News is a cult, if you did not know that, read my article about that very topic. Since I have made it clear that I am knowledgeable about being in a cult and have been open about being in many cults, I decided I would give all of you a quiz. Below I have put a list of things that are real things that have happened to me during a cultic encounter, others are fake scenarios of something that could happen in a cult, and the rest will be non-cult related activities real or fake.

1.      Snapped on someone’s hands, then had them snap on mine, then we both rubbed out hands together and blew on each other.

2.      Sat around a table while chanting a monotonous tune that has been ingrained in my head for my entire life, then an object is presented and is subsequently lit on fire, I am then made to stab this object only seconds after it has been extinguished, the group then all joyously eat this sacrifice.

3.      I was forced to skin an animal with my bare hands and then wear its skin for weekly rituals.

4.      I was blindfolded and taken by force. Once I awoke, I was surrounded by many familiar faces. I had been seeing a lot of these men for a while. They always referred to me as ‘brother’ then they had me drink a chalice of their blood. I questioned the safety of this activity and was smacked with a wooden object that had indents no bigger than ping pong balls. That is the last thing I remember before I woke up in my room wearing a red robe drenched in my blood as well as theirs.

5.      I was forced to tattoo a series of symbols on my skin. Even weirder, these symbols glowed. When I touched them, they made me faster, stronger, and more agile. The others with similar markings told me that I must use these gifts to fight anyone with demon blood.

6.      One time when I went to the supermarket these people approached me and pretended to be from the musical “Book of Mormon”. It was weird, they were not even that good at singing. I have seen that show multiple times and they did not know the script very well.

7.      I was wandering through the forest and I noticed many animals standing around in a circle. As I got closer, they did not seem to mind, which is normal as I am a vegan so animals trust that I mean them no harm. I noticed that their eyes were glowing purple. I then heard a voice in my head saying it was the deer standing in the circle. I listened and discovered that this was a group of ancient animals with powers. To force me to not reveal their secret the made me believe it was all a dream, but I know it was real, oh no, a deer, no, noooooo, ahhhhhhhh,

To find the answers, find the wish fish. He is hidden in a sock at the bottom of a great lake. He holds the answers you seek.