I’m Bi

By Lord Tyler Sikov

I know last year I came out as a homo but now, after some soul searching, I have discovered I am in fact bi. One of the key things that made me realize this was that I could understand people on multiple sides.  Love is love, and I naturally can express my love to a wider variety of people. I am still getting used to the physicality of it all. Different types of people have very different body language and the way that that relates to how they show their love varies between the groups I am interested in.

It took me longer than I would have liked to come out like this, I guess the signs were all there. I have been known to rock a plaid shirt when it is colder out and then tie it around my waist when things get hot. I have trouble sitting in chairs so much of the time I sit on the floor, which is very common in my new culture. I have had to rework my hand gestures entirely because they have different meanings to people in my new community. Instead of giving a thumbs up which some see as rude I have begun using finger guns. I have also begun filling my room with colorful flags.

My family, friends, and community have been noticing that I go off to study very often and I believe they understand what is going on. I have been using words I never used to use. I shut myself in my room a lot just to figure out how to say things properly. Sometimes I question if I really am poly or if that is at least what I will figure out eventually, but nope, I am bi. Biphobia is real and I am worried that since I am so new to some of the things is am trying, I will be ridiculed. Some people have been bi since they were 5 years old and it just seems to come so naturally to them. I am sadly not surrounded by many bi people, so I don’t have many people to practice with. I have sometimes resorted to going up to people and directly asking them if they understand what I am saying for example “Do you listen to sweater weather?” or “¿Escuchas el clima de suéter?”. Most people have no idea what I am talking about but sometimes I find that perfect person who just gets me and we are able to talk all night long.

Many people think that just because I am bi I can do it with anyone but that is not the case. I only speak 2 languages, English and Spanish, that is what being bi to me is. So, I am not able to talk to everyone in every language. I’m bilingual, I am not a polyglot. I feel that this is also a good time to tell all of my readers that I am panromantic. I will keep you all posted on if anything changes. Until next time, just remember everybody talks ;).

Things that we forgot happened during in-person classes

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Mitt Romniful News)

DCSS: 44.1% of students return to in-person classes ...
  • Learning
  • I enjoy keep ripping tissues in the bathroom
  • People click pens (not parody or satire just stop plz nobody likes u) 
  • Professors take down their masks.  Like a lot.  To eat raw ground turkey out of a Yeti mug. 
  • Being conscious of the sound of my breathing
  • Putting on pants
  • Taking off pants
  • Trading pants with your friends
  • Talking to people (Yuck!)
  • Eye contact with the professor
  • Spilled baked beans all over myself
  • The person in front of you takes a selfie and you have to pretend like you haven’t been staring at their phone for the past hour
  • Everyone behind me can see that I’m playing Spider Solitaire instead of taking notes
  • The Berlin Wall was constructed in 1961 (I forgot that it happened then)
  • Painting your professor like one of your French girls
  • During a peer-review in English class I accidentally handed my partner my handwritten Larry Stylinson smut.  She graded it according to the essay rubric and I got a 100%
  • Tod cheating off me in Calc 2 (Fuck off Tod!)
  • You’re expected to tip the pizza delivery guy extra to make up for him having to awkwardly interrupt the class to bring you your large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese
  • Everyone smelling everyone’s farts
  • Shouldn’t go on illegal black market websites on the school’s wifi
  • People dropping their hydroflasks and the depressing ringing as it rolls down under the seats
    • My hydroflask rolling into the street and into a storm drain such that I must confront an It-style clown to get it back
  • Makeout circle (icebreakers, everyone hates em)
  • I am expected to give the person in front of me a massage, and I’m considered rude if I don’t
  • Were you toooo fast?
  • Drawing a penis on the TI-83 Graphing calculator
    • Oddly familiar pinwheels work too
    • 8008135
      • 5,318,008 but upside-down
      • 1134 but upside-down
  • Can’t use my piss drawer anymore
  • Putting my dick in the pencil sharpener
  • Honestly, TopHat should be made illegal. 
  • Selecting the worst answers in my psych lecture TopHat to destroy the integrity of the survey
  • Clipping your toenails in the Scottish nationality room is apparently frowned upon
    • Having to remember which nationality rooms are okay for toenail clipping
      • The French room is cool with it
        • You can go thru the invisible wall in the men’s bathroom on floor 34
  • The guy next to me keeps reporting me for matching the description of a local murder culprit (Back off, Bret; it’s none of your business!)
  • Showing up to class without pants is not as ok
  • Water bottle flip in class (like a boss) (dab)
  • Tummy rumbles
  • Bringing my pets for show and tell was not well received
    • They have to be alive too wtf
  • Every person in this room is a living, breathing individual, with hopes and aspirations, just like me. I am not the only one who matters, and I am but a mere speck in this cosmic infinity.
    • (Or am I?)
  • Sniffing all your classmates seats after they leave
  • I am no longer able to stare at myself on the screen like a modern-day Narcissus 
  • Without filters, people will suddenly uncover the truth that I am, in fact, not a literal potato
  • “Goodnight, sweet prince”
  • Watching twitch.tv in class (i love pokimane hAHaA)
  • Leaving negative ratemyprofessor reviews because the professor was way hotter on zoom
  • Worrying that the almond milk in your coffee cup will cause someone to go into anaphylactic shock during your history lecture
  • Showing up 10 minutes early, but somehow almost all the seats are taken already?? 
    • Sitting in classmates’ laps when there aren’t enough seats
    • Trying not to get hard when someone sits in ur lap 
    • Trying to get hard when someone sits in your lap
      • Sorry I get nervous
    • Whispering in the other person’s ear while the professor is talking
      • It’s free real estate
    • It’s getting weird now the professor is sitting on my lap
      • Especially since we’re the only two people in the room right now
      • God I love homeschool 
  • “Hey you! explain circumcision!”
    • Can no longer compare circumcisions with classmates
      • They really botched mine haha wanna see
        • Haha what if you showed me after class
          • Haha I’ll show you mine if you show me yours 
            • I mean, I’m not gay, but it could be funny. I get it if that’s too weird for you, though, unless… ;)
              • No yeah haha it would be hilarious right? But wait, what if we get hard?
                • *unzips your pants*
  • The Eatery- that’s all I have to say
    • Who the fuck calls it the Eatery it will always be the Market  re. whatever it’s dang name is… 
  • I can no longer use dark/blurry lighting to hide how fucking ugly I am
  • The Marxist man with the megaphone 
  • My teacher made us all remove our masks to passionately kiss each of us individually, the problem is I am an engineering major and there are few girls in my class
  • Discussing nautical literature
  • I can’t blame slow internet for my shortcomings
  • I can’t say that “I forgot to mute myself” after the class hears me complain about the Voting Rights Act of 1965 for 3 straight minutes
  • Interlocking toes with your TA
  • Jag måste tala svenska utan Google Translate
  • Deutsch sprechen müssen ohne Google Translate
  • I can’t lean back into the shadows when I start tearing up
  • Speaking in tongues during attendance
  • The Tower Line that went back to Panther Central 
    • Not being able to see the board because the line for Panther Central stretches through the classroom and blocks your view
  • Attending public speaking class, going to the front of the room to say your speech, mooning the class.
  • Drinking from your water bottle during your 8am and realizing it was actually your leftover titos and mio from the previous weekend, continuing to sip 
  • It’s not socially acceptable to keep my pee bucket at my feet (Learned that the hard way; oops!)
  • Everyone looking when I play Bop It
  • Peeing in my hydroflask because I can’t afford to go to the bathroom and miss precious lecture
    • Accidentally drinking the piss because i thought it was water
  • Prof found the “Homework” folder 
    • Homework found the “Professor” folder [eyes emoji]
  • Unlike the bathroom at my house, at school I have to get on all fours with the toilet between by legs and arms so that I can then pee into the bowl
  • Someone spilled their bong water in my bio lab
    • Drinking someone’s bong water off of the floor of my bio lab with those straw glasses 
  • Punching a kid because he stole my pencil (Not allowed to teach anymore smh)
  • Swiping the sharp edge of my binder through my pussy
  • I have to bring my own condoms to eat during snack time
  • Rubbing my nipples everytime i answer questions in class
  • Keeping my laptop on reddit.com so everyone can see my reddit karma (sunglasses)
  • When you realize your AirPods aren’t working in class and your R rated show plays during your exam

Fall’s Hottest New Hairstyles

By Evan Rafferty

Funny Hair Cut - the barber left his scissors there

The Macchiato

  • A delightful ode to everyone’s favorite beverage! A dyed white base, and dark brown on top with extra frizz to emulate the steam rising off of a delicious piping hot espresso shot.

The Swiffer Duster

  • Just a perm mohawk, but rectangular and only on the very top of the dome. Blue dye optional.

The “Vin Diesel”

The NASDAQ

  • Long bangs with random high and low diagonals cut into the wall of hair. Perfect for finance bros looking to make a good impression during their summer internships.

The “Samuel L. Jackson”

The Succulent

  • Green spikes of random length, sticking straight out of the head. Needs plenty of sunlight to maintain liveliness. 

The “Bruce Willis”

The Lakeland Look

  • A series of splotchy, stringy, avant-garde strips of fuzz representing glacier-carved lagoons.

The Handlebar Plus

  • The classic flowy middle part, except there are only two thick strands of hair that drape over the forehead and are pushed back over the ears. Shave everything else off. 

The Quarterlife Crisis

  • Reject the Big Barber Industrial Complex. Let your hair grow! Hell, don’t even wash it. Societal norms only exist to keep the masses in line. Fight against it. Rage. Thrash. Join us.

The “Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson”

What the Writers of the Pitiful News did with our Long Labor Day Weekend

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the United Pittiful News Laborers of America Party (U P N LAPs))

Sep 6 | Happy Labor Day 2021 | Middletown, CT Patch
  • Labored
  • Went into labor. Like, with a child. Children, in fact– we now have twins
  • Played Tree #3… in a forest
  • Dropped all of my classes
  • Streamed “Certified Lover Boy” 61 million times
  • Your mother, of course 
  • Double dutch 
  • Double homicide 
  • Cried. Slowly and softly. 
  • Jumped in slow motion, just like in the movies! 
  • Sniffed my cat in a respectful way
  • Removed bodily autonomy from millions of people  
  • Bought an NFT of a TikTok 
  • Bought a TikTok of an NFT 
  • Cosplayed as Ted Cruz 
  • “Nation-building” 
  • Listened to Linkin Park on repeat until my body began vibrating 
  • Got kicked out of Ribfest for trying to sell human ribs  
  • Got kicked out of Welsfest for trying to sell artesian wells
  • Saw this weird person having some kind of music-induced seizure 
  • Had some pretty good hummus 
  • Adopted a baby for a YouTube video that didn’t even do that well 
  • Kissed my cats’ little white socks
  • Said hi to my dad  
  • Sucked on my cats’ toes 
  • Tried to sleep overnight at Walmart, but an employee caught me hiding behind the toilet paper rolls
  • Showed up to the Pitt v. UMass game in a Jets jersey 
  • Created the first flipbook porno 
    • Created the first flipbook Mario x Sonic porno
  • Invented the first solar-panelled flashlight
  • Gave a Ted Talk on why dunce caps should be brought back
  • Leaked Dean Bonner’s emails
    • Leaked Dean Bonner’s nude emails
  • Photoshopped a mullet onto the Fairy Godmother from Shrek 2
  • Stayed until the end of the Pitt v. UMass game because I am chronically addicted to any sporting event, no matter how grotesque in score 
  • Forgot all the words to Sweet Caroline 
    • BUM BUM BUM
  • Explored each others’ bodies
  • Became the first person to fit Cathy up my arse
  • Switched up the arrows in Ikea and watched people walk in circles
  • A bunch of my friends from orientation week went up to the top floor of Cathy! So cool to be in the Cathy Club! 
  • Watched the first and last episodes of every anime 
  • Hacked into the Pentagon with my Nintendo DS Lite
  • Tweeted from the GameBoy color in Pharaoh Tutankhamen’s tomb 
  • Posted an affirmation so people think I’m endearing and approachable
    • Or submissive and breedable, that works too
  • Scrolled through the Pitt Missed Connections Instagram hoping, begging that someone saw me on the street and thought I was cool. Not that I care.
  • Dug a big hole in the ground 
  • Nutted in a water balloon 
  • I tattooed a wall (I forgot the word for it)
  • Watered my nut balloon so he grows up big and strong
  • Walked around Forbes in 70s style clothes so people think I am a quirky time traveller
  • Fucked ur mom, again
  • Killed a straight man

What Students Will Be Allowed To Do Now That Classes Are Flexible (for a Limited Time Only)

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Knittiful News)

Flex @ Pitt: Classroom Experiences | Office of the Provost ...

In person

  • Wear shoes
  • Buy one TA, get the second one half off 
  • Students are expected to zoom into classes during bathroom breaks
  • Lick your professor on his shiny bald head   
  • Distribute pictures of your own Tinder profile
  • Get yelled at for eating in class
  • Pass notes like the good old days
  • Cry
  • Awkwardly ask people to join the groupme irl
  • Awkwardly ask people to join reality in the groupme
  • Sit in the front of the class only to play tetris during the entire lecture
  • Hide your daily after-lunch boner
  • Make up your own language 
  • Bring your dog to eat the classwork
  • Bring your dog to eat the professor
  • Advertise my LinkedIn profile in-person: https://www.linkedin.com/in/eric-brinling-0044b11b8/ 
  • Audition for the lead role 
  • Purposefully don’t answer your teacher’s questions, forgetting you’re not on mute
  • Arson (not legally)
  • Arson (but legal this time, called a bonfire)
  • Bring my cats as they are my emotional support pillows 
  • Dance like nobody is watching (even though everyone is watching)
  • Go on a date with the cute sophomore that sits right in front of you in your public speaking class, go on further dates until you make a young man’s mistake and must father a child when you are only a junior in college. In 30 years when your kid is grown up and you are in your 50s you will wonder where it all went wrong, and then you will remember that this is all written in a satire article and you are a girl who could not produce a natural child with another girl (as of said article being written) and now you are happy knowing that dropping out of college on your first day ever
  • Stunt on the haters in my Supreme velour tracksuit  
  • Break out into spontaneous song and dance
  • Ask the teacher to play Toy Story 2
  • Kahoot without internet lag 
    • I’m still never the first one to join the game :(
  • Be in the hospital as i will inevitably be infected by the stupid people in my Chem 1 class that is filled with 300 pre-med freshman from “15 minutes outside of Philadelphia”
  •  Get lost and show up half an hour late
    • Very intentionally show up late, but with a coffee
  • Just stop showing up because the Delta variant is literally right around the corner and your professor is probably really old but really sweet and you care for them :)
  • Kill your professor (accidentally on purpose)

At home

  • Refuse to wear a mask (at home only)
  • Cough up blood
  • Turn off your camera, and then your computer 
  • Eat my own hands 
  • Advertise my LinkedIn profile online: https://www.linkedin.com/in/eric-brinling-0044b11b8/ 
  • Flip your prof off from under your laptop
  • Yell at your mom off camera but maybe leave the mic on because you want them to know that this whole online thing was a mistake
  • Cry (but this time more discreetly)
  • Tweet a naughty word 
  • Play Papa’s Cupcakeria in another tab
  • Pay attention (if you’re a nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd lololololol)
  • Speedrun Minecraft
  • Rap battle your friend over Zoom private messages
  • Keep your mic muted because your parents are fighting again (bruh)
  • Stay in the Zoom call for five minutes after class because you didn’t notice the class ended
  • Be the dumbass that forgets to mute their mic for the 100th time -_-
  • Show up to class naked (like a boss)
  • Awkwardly remain silent when the professor puts you into breakout rooms
  • Be the funny guy in the class GroupMe!! Haha!! I have a personality give me attention!!1!!
  • Be the quirky person that turns their video on while everybody has theirs off
  • Pretend to be an African prince asking for money in the Zoom chat
  • Turn your room upside down and pretend it’s right side up by hanging off the ceiling on the Zoom call
  • Turn your room upside down and pretend you’re in Australia
  • Turn your room upside down and pretend you’re a bat
  • Turn your room upside down and pretend you’re an early 20th century artist of the Dada movement, which began under the tutelage of Hugo Ball at the Cabaret Voltaire in Zurich, Switzerland, during the First World War as a rebellion against the violence, skillfully utilizing an almost violent and shocking new form of “anti-art” to go against the establishment that facilitated the destruction of so many lives.
  • Cry
  • Zoom in from an active missile silo
  • Tell your professor you can’t hear them to waste 15 mins of class
  • Cheat on the syllabus
  • Change the syllabus with Inspect Element (no homework)
  • Marry Jeff Bezos, gain enough money to purchase the entirety of the Zoom corporation, then gain the ability to mute your professor at will
  • Ask your professor if you can use Discord instead
  • Set your face as your background and pretend to be frozen
  • Attend class while in the shower, sans cat loofah as he was taken by APS (Animal Protective Services), not for the loofah stuff, that was completely legal it was because  we had been creating Catgirls to work in all of the new Chipotles using his DNA
  • Get kicked out of the zoom meeting

Things we forgot to bring to campus

By The Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Littiful News, like lit, cause we are so lit)

  • Barbeque sauce for my titties  
  • Socks 
  • Veggietales season 69 on VHS
  • Pepper spray
  • Chicken cutlet bra inserts 
  • My emotional support girlfriend 
  • 54 copies of Vince Vaughn’s Fred Claus on VHS 
  • My therapist’s contact information  
  • 1567 boxes of sudafed
  • Fire arms 
  • Potato sacks for racing 
  • Russian nesting dolls that bear a strange resemblance to Roseanne Barr 
  • Cat loofah 
  • My Panther Card  
  • Large knives and open flames 
    • Oh wait, I did bring those
  • Tooth Brush
  • Athlete’s foot medication  
  • My cats
  • Potato sack for carrying my potatoes 
  • Directions to the gym 
  • My lust for Oscar the grouch
    • This is the semester of me, I can not be bogged down by romantic interests in even the most divine garbage people 
  • My 12 oscar trophies, I won them for moonlight  
  • Squatty potty 
  • My Pitt ID 

Very incorrect rock facts

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Geodes)

IRTI - funny picture #7587 - tags: dwayne johnson the rock ...
  • Rocks were invented in 1969 by Rock n Roll Hall of Famer Deez Nuts to sell more Rolls.
  • Rocks taste good. 
  • Crystals have harmful auras if thrown at the face.
  • Only Jesus can wash tectonic plates. 
  • I used to have a wife.
  • Certain breeds of cow can digest diamonds. So can I.
  • Yellow diamonds are created by the rare chemical combination of a clear diamond and my piss.
  • Similarly, rubies are what happens if you get blood on a diamond. I’m an earthologist.
    • This should not be confused with blood diamonds, something we do not support.
  • Here is an idea, what if we all got together and drew pieces of paper from a big bowl and the person who gets the piece with a dot on it gets stoned to death by the rest of the town. 
  • The three categories of rock are Schoolhouse, Dwayne The, and Hard.
  • The more rocks you have on you the more submissive and breedable you will be. 
  • Prehistoric humans used rock tools because they were eco-friendly. 
  • A rock can look like anything, like a cloud but shittier.
  • Some rocks can see time.
  • In twenty years, all that will be left of Frosty the Snowman is the coal!
  • Owning domesticated rocks is illegal in 27 states.
  • Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson got his nickname from the heaviest thing he could lift, and “The Pebble” didn’t sound as cool. 
  • The duller the rock, the more it is worth
  • A 24 karat diamond is just as edible as 24 karat gold. 
    • 24 carrot magic in the aaaaaaaaair 
  • A karat is actually how many carrots a given rock can eat in one cubic meter. 
  • Some rocks were made up for Minecraft.
  • If you dug a hole to the center of the earth, you would be eaten by the rocks. If rocks weren’t able to eat you, though, you would be able to survive.  
  • If you put a bunch of stones in a pot and add a little magic you will have an endless supply of food.  

Olympics Cheat Codes Revealed

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly tthe Fédérattion Intternattionale de Foottball Associattion news)

PHOTOS: Olympic rings arrive in host city on barge into ...
  • Up Up Left Left Down Right Right Down
  • You have no competitors if all of their bones are broken 
  • Sometimes you just gotta run real fast.  
  • The fencers aren’t the only people who can stab.   
  • Sparkly ✨ Uniforms ✨ Are ✨ Better ✨ 
  • Wear a jet pack when pole vaulting, it will help 
  • Wear a snorkel when swimming, it will help.
  • Kiss your opponents on the mouth so they will be confused and you can steal their medals.  
  • Take all the drugs
  • Nothing is stopping you from creating a new sport and being the supreme champion in it.  
  • Wear less clothes while convincing the other teams to wear more clothes, thus causing them to incur fines so that even if they win, they have lost money 
  • Bring a horse to the competition. 
  • Any sport can be a contact sport if you’re not a coward. 
  • Steal the starting gun and shoot your competitors  
  • Remember to stay hydrated :) 
  • If you belly flop into the pool, you can take a screenshot of your opponents’ moves.  
  • Hack into airline databases and change the dates of your competitors’ flights so that they have to go home the day before the competition
  • Instead of throwing the hammer for distance, throw it at the other throwers, that will really mess them up
  • Sleep with the judges on your cardboard bed
  • The true gold medal is the fun we had along the way

Is this the sound of a hat hitting a wall or sounds of me being stabbed

By Lord Tyler Sikov

  • Buh-duh
  • Whooo-to
  • Oh no, stop stabbing me, ah, can someone hear me, please stop, help, I don’t like being stabbed
  • How rude
  • I appreciate your honesty
  • Luke I am your father
  • The sun is a soup
  • Welcome to Jurassic Park
  • Party Rockers in the house tonight
  • Party Rock is in the house tonight
  • Hi, my name is Tyler
  • I’m Batman, with a knife
  • Bond, James Bond, with a knife
  • Jason Derulo
  • Hi, my name is Tyler, would you like a knife

Answers found here

Good animal hybrids I will make once I ascend to God

By Lord Tyler Sikov

  • Cat Penguin
  • Walrus Deer
  • Human Centipede
  • Cow Chinchilla
  • Falcon Dog
  • Bat Man
  • Robin
  • Bobcat Robert DeNiro
  • Hippocampus
  • Pegasus
  • Cat Deer
  • Racoon Monkey
  • Blobfish Slug
  • Cat Snail
  • Turtle Rabbit
  • Tortoise Hare
  • Pile of mashed potatoes Horse
  • Dog Mollusk
  • Steve Buscemi Bird
  • My cousin’s hamster and Me (Lord Tyler)
    • Melanie, I don’t like how we left things, please take me back and have my kids
  • Bull Dog
  • Cougar Wife
  • Baby Thief
  • Mouse Giraffe
  • Remy the Rat the Duck
  • Winnie the Pooh and Tigger
  • Eeyore and any teen with depression
    • This one will be short lived
  • Playboy Bunny
  • Deer Whore
  • Cat Girl (Chipotle)
  • Dog Frog
    • On a Log, in a Bog, in the Fog
  • Cat Fox
  • Cat Dog
  • Courage the cowardly Chicken
  • Mickey Cat and Minnie Cat
  • Mini Cats
  • Honestly anything with a cat, cats are so cute, and they smell nice
  • Fox Girl
  • Snake Lady
  • Turkey Horse
  • Bunny Bee