What the Writers of the Pitiful News did for Mother’s Day

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the MILF Lover Associated Press)

  • Found my dad (He was just in the milk isle and got distracted while getting the milk)
  • A box of chocolates, but all the chocolates are poisoned because love is painful sometimes 
    • “It’s like Mama always used to say. ‘Life is like a box of Chocolates, sometimes you get poisoned’” 
  • Gallons upon gallons of lean 
  • Went out for some bad Italian food 
  • Made a handmade card (glitter bomb)
  • Got her (me) Playboy Carti tickets
  • Proposed to her 
  • A bed
  • Breakfast 
  • Breakfast in bed 
  • Bed in breakfast 
  • A new bed to replace the one we ate for breakfast
  • Eggs 
  • Lizard eggs
  • Wrote her a very special song about how much I need more money to spend on drugs (this is the last time I swear)
  • A framed picture of her divorce papers 
  • Asked her if she thought I was a good person
  • Complained
  • Made a snide remark about the way she dresses (payback)
  • My kids got me a dozen roses
  • A macaroni necklace but I got hungry and ate all the macaroni
  • A macaroni necklace but the noodles were cooked and it got all soggy and gross
  • A macaroni and cheese necklace
    • Made with 100% real string cheese
  • I put together some legos and showed my mom a meme 
  • Sent a few emails
  • Made some babies of my own 
  • Bided my time until the old witch passes and I get my share of the family fortune, mwahaha
  • Another mom
  • Overturned Roe v Wade 
  • Made a mess in her room and yelled at her to clean it up 
  • Stood in front of the tv that she was trying to watch 
  • Leaked a Memo from the Supreme Court 
  • Got a mullet just to spite her 
  • Your Mom
  • My Mom
  • My Sister-Cousin-In-Law-Wife 
  • Helped my cat give birth to a new litter
  • A reminder of how there’s no Child’s day and how completely unfair that is 
  • Gaslit her into thinking Mother’s Day was next week to give me more time to come up with a gift
  • A tattoo that says “I 🧡 mom”
  • A tattoo that says “I fuck goats”
  • A huge, tight hug (she got sleepy during the hug but she’ll wake up later)

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