By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the MILF Lover Associated Press)
- Found my dad (He was just in the milk isle and got distracted while getting the milk)
- A box of chocolates, but all the chocolates are poisoned because love is painful sometimes
- “It’s like Mama always used to say. ‘Life is like a box of Chocolates, sometimes you get poisoned’”
- Gallons upon gallons of lean
- Went out for some bad Italian food
- Made a handmade card (glitter bomb)
- Got her (me) Playboy Carti tickets
- Proposed to her
- A bed
- Breakfast
- Breakfast in bed
- Bed in breakfast
- A new bed to replace the one we ate for breakfast
- Eggs
- Lizard eggs
- Wrote her a very special song about how much I need more money to spend on drugs (this is the last time I swear)
- A framed picture of her divorce papers
- Asked her if she thought I was a good person
- Complained
- Made a snide remark about the way she dresses (payback)
- My kids got me a dozen roses
- A macaroni necklace but I got hungry and ate all the macaroni
- A macaroni necklace but the noodles were cooked and it got all soggy and gross
- A macaroni and cheese necklace
- Made with 100% real string cheese
- I put together some legos and showed my mom a meme
- Sent a few emails
- Made some babies of my own
- Bided my time until the old witch passes and I get my share of the family fortune, mwahaha
- Another mom
- Overturned Roe v Wade
- Made a mess in her room and yelled at her to clean it up
- Stood in front of the tv that she was trying to watch
- Leaked a Memo from the Supreme Court
- Got a mullet just to spite her
- Your Mom
- My Mom
- My Sister-Cousin-In-Law-Wife
- Helped my cat give birth to a new litter
- A reminder of how there’s no Child’s day and how completely unfair that is
- Gaslit her into thinking Mother’s Day was next week to give me more time to come up with a gift
- A tattoo that says “I 🧡 mom”
- A tattoo that says “I fuck goats”
- A huge, tight hug (she got sleepy during the hug but she’ll wake up later)
The Pitiful News 