Best lists made by the Pitiful News

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful shoes)

Today I ate a pizza

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Pizza delivery driver shares devious way they get back at customers who  don't tip - Mirror Online

               I was hungry earlier and I decided to order a pizza. This came with the built-in challenge of deciding what pizza place I want to go to. I don’t speak enough German to go to Papa Johns and I also do not vibe with racists. Dominos reminds me too much of my ex, Dominic. He and I got along for a while as we both love carefully setting events in peoples’ lives, building an elaborate web of lies and then knocking it all down and watching their lives crash and burn. We broke up because I found out he was cheating on me with one of the clouded leopards at the zoo.

               I decided to order pizza from Dan’s Pizza Joint. They sell pizzas and a joint, I did not buy the joint. I knew I was too lazy to get into my car and go somewhere, I also could not use my car as I had lent it to Kirby from the game Kirby, he was using it so he could turn into a wheel and beat up Tony Hawk. I don’t know what he has against Tony Hawk but I am not here to judge. This all culminated in me ordering the pizza for delivery. I got what I usually do, a vegan pizza and some garlic knots.

               In about an hour a handsome man appeared at my door. He had my food. I told him that I needed to grab my wallet from the other room and for him to just step inside. Something to note is that I have a rube Goldberg contraption set up so when someone comes through my door and stands on my front hall carpet the door will shut and lock behind them. This absolute himbo fell into my trap. Now that he was in my house, he was under the ancient tradition of guests.

               It is commonly known that a vampire must ask for permission to enter a house. Vampires must also give permission for someone to enter, or leave, their domain. For frequent readers of my articles, it should come as no surprise that I am a vampire. Another fun vampire fact is that we are just simply allergic to garlic in the same way that a person is lactose intolerant. It just makes us a bit nauseas. If you know any lactose intolerant people you will know that this never stops them from eating dairy, the same goes for vampires and garlic, I often take Gar-aid (not sponsored) when I am going to eat a lot of garlic. 

               Gar-aid (not sponsored) was the real reason why I went into the other room, I keep some in my wallet. Getting back to the handsome man standing in my front hall, I asked if I could drink his blood. I told him that I did not need to drink much, maybe a liter. As expected, he said yes. Most people willingly let me drink their blood, and actually I cannot drink their blood without their permission unless I kill them after, another vampire permission thing. I drank his blood and paid for the food and tipped extra for the delicious blood. Once he left, I went and ate the food I ordered. Next month this cycle will begin anew with a new donor.

               Wait, a month, cycle, those things have something to do with each other for non-vampires, right? If you have any ideas on the connection or other good places for me to quench my thirst and my thirstiness at the same time, please get in contact with me (you can use pittifulnews@gmail.com or submit an advice request on our website).

0ur $3cr3t $@nt@ VV1sh L1st

By Lord Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, and Sarah Yule

5 best tools to organize your Secret Santa gift exchange - Komando.com

Confidential, for santa’s eyes only

  • Dog head mask 
  • Viagra for women
  • Claritin-D for men
  • DIY milk bath
  • Winter Candy Apple candle from Bath and Body Works
  • Debt forgiveness
  • Clairo
  • Fish sticks; my parents refuse to buy them for me after the choking incident of ‘05 
  • A new bathtub; it still reeks of fish sticks after the choking incident of ‘05
  • A new tub of Miralax; it’s the secret ingredient in the best cup of hot cocoa you’ll ever have
  • Some new stand-up specials
  • The resurgence of an unmoderated Tumblr
  • A new tub of Cyanide; it’s the secret ingredient in the last cup of hot cocoa you’ll ever have
  • The feeling of listening to Ariana Grande’s 34+35 for the first time 
  • Cats
  • Cats on blu-ray
  • Kittens in mittens
  • True love
  • 1 partridge in a pear tree
  • 2 turtle doves
  • 3 silver rings
  • 4 bags of cat hair
  • 5 new Ed Sheeran songs
  • 6 additional wishes 
  • 7 spoons of mashed potatoes
  • 8 maps to the new world
  • 9 howler monkeys
  • 10 court jesters 
  • 11 offshore bank accounts
  • 12 selfies with Mr. Noodle’s brother Mr. Noodle from the Elmo show
  • Froot Loops
  • The Country 
  • Country Crock
  • The Lööp
  • For Gritty to notice me 
  • Happiness 
  • Jackbox 8
  • A vegan ice cream cake
  • More cats 
  • Vegan milk chocolate, like seriously just use one of the many vegan milks, it is not that hard
  • An additional spoon of mashed potatoes 
  • A chinchilla  
  • And a partridge in a pear tree 

this article will self destruct in 5

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error, self destruct sequence cancelled 

2019 Spring Olympics Announced in Altoona, PA

By: Jessica Simpson

The International Olympic Committee’s President, Thomas Bach, recently confirmed that the inaugural Spring Olympic Games would be held in April 2019, in the great city of Altoona, Pennsylvania. Eight months following the summer games in Tokyo, the world’s most athletic and talented humans will once again compete in what Bach refers to as, “all of your favorite spring sports.”
In the IOC’s Official Olympic Handbook, spring sports are qualified as the type of events that one would encounter during an elementary school field day, birthday party, or family reunion. Among the many intense sports showcased, there is: water balloon tossing, sack racing, three-legged racing, wheel barrel racing, dodgeball, hide-and-go-seek, and the main event—the egg-and-spoon race. The IOC predicts that internationally celebrated spoon-man, Sam Yerman from Vancouver, will most likely go up against other internationally celebrated spoon-woman, Eliza Roshay from Glasgow. The games will be quite different from the gymnastics, swimming, figure skating, and skiing, which we see at the Summer and Winter Olympics respectively. But the stakes for the Spring Olympics will be the highest they have ever been in Olympic history.
Even though the decision to launch the Spring Olympics was announced relatively last minute, according to Bach and other members of the IOC, it has been a long time coming. “The demand of expert spring sportsmen and women across the globe was so incredibly high,” says Boch. “We just didn’t have the right platform or location until we decided on Altoona.” As number 42 on Vacation Magazine’s “Top 25 Places to Visit in Pennsylvania,” Altoona was simply the ideal platform for the 2019 Spring Olympics. Altoona’s Mayor, Matthew Pacifico, spoke more about what the city has to offer: “We have a lot of fields. And grass. We have a lot of grass too, which is good for this kind of thing,” Pacifico said. As it stands, over 100 countries have registered to participate in the games. Buy your tickets and set your recordings now. You won’t want to miss it.