"No Looking Back Now," Says Man with Stiff Neck

By Leo Corman

Local man Owen Miller woke up this morning with a stiff neck, but he remained determined not to let that ruin his day. “I just can’t look back, I have to keep moving forward,” explained Miller. “Like I really, really can’t look back.” Unfortunately, Miller’s day did not improve from there.

Miller’s neck of the woods is out in the country—you could even call him a redneck. Lately, though, maintaining such a large, rural property has become a yoke around Miller’s neck. Miller’s many household duties (and a little too much necking with his wife) left him running late to his job as an electrical engineer in the city, forcing him to drive at a break-neck pace to cover the considerable distance.

After sitting in a traffic jam caused by a bunch of rubberneckers and arriving 45 minutes late to work, Miller’s troubles continued. Because he stuck his neck out on a recent project that went awry, Miller’s boss has been constantly breathing down his neck. A promotion he’s competing for compounded Miller’s worries.“The guy I’m up against almost seems dead from the neck up, he’s just so dense. Yet somehow, we’re neck and neck for the position,” said Miller, exasperated. Miller tried to have a productive day, but he was so completely up to his neck responding to emails and memos that he could barely get anything done.

Worsening this situation was a call from his 9-year-old son’s school at 1pm, saying that his son stole a girl’s necklace and was suspended. Miller left work and drove to his son’s school, where he walked into the principal’s office, grabbed his son by the scruff of the neck, and took him home. Despite his initial optimism, Miller had to admit that today had been one big pain in the neck. “My neck still fucking hurts,” he added.

Seven Years After Its Release, Miley Cyrus’s "The Climb" Still Inspires

By Elisa Ogot

Seven years ago, as part of the soundtrack for the seminal classic “Hannah Montana: The Movie,” Miley Cyrus released one of the most uplifting tracks of the century: “The Climb.” Today, Cyrus’s anthem of hope and perseverance is still helping people work through trying times in their lives. In celebration of the “The Climb’s” seven year anniversary, we reached out into the community and got some people to share their testimonials on how “The Climb” has changed their lives.

Peter Prentice, a Junior at Pittsburgh University, told us that one night he had “taken about two cases of Keystone Light to the head” and only by the grace of Miley and her words did he make it home safe, sound, and without “barf blasting out of me like bullets out of a Beretta.”

Darcy Fields, an Oakland construction site supervisor, revealed that she was  jumped one evening after heading home late from the site where she works. “Yeah, oh my gosh it was like the scariest thing! But something told me to just start singing “The Climb” to my assailant. By the time I got to the chorus, he had stopped absolutely going to town on my face! I suffered several cracked ribs that night, but I only ruptured like one of my kidneys! I credit that all to Miley.”

Hattie McDaniel, an employee at a local Foot Locker and single mother of three, sent us maybe the most powerful anecdote of the bunch. “A year ago, our family house burned to the ground.” she told us. “We’re still unsure how the fire started, but I was in the basement watching a movie with my kids when all of a sudden we smelled smoke. Then we saw the flames. I took my babies’ hands and began to hurry them towards the stairs. I just kept telling them ‘keep moving, keep climbing, keep the faith, keep the faith’. I knew Miley would guide us to safety.” Unfortunately, one of Hattie’s children did not “keep moving” or “keep climbing” and was lost in the blaze. When we offered Hattie our condolences after hearing this news, she took a beat and then replied, “It’s always gonna be an uphill battle…somebody’s gonna have to lose….”

Pitt Students Ask for Hate Space

By Megan Klein

  

 Pitt Students Ask for Hate Space After Loving Speaker, Yilo Miannopoulos Preaches Equality.

Shouts of protest lauded the William Pitt Assembly room as Yilo Miannopolous, world renowned liberal “love-speaker”, preached messages of egalitarianism. Yilo is known for her work in Africa and the UN as an Equality-Ambassador. Pitt Police expected this event to be semi-chaotic, brought to campus by the student organization Freedom Unity Compassion Kindness Sympathy. This organization is known around campus for creating active and arousing campaigns to be better people.

“They don’t even support Trump,” crooned Ryan Campbell, a junior and avid Conservative activist. “I want to speak my opinion, which is we need to make America great again.” Ryan currently is working on Donald Trump’s campaign, and is an avid Neo-Nazi.

As the night heated up, more students became bothered by the discussion.

“I am outraged they brought this speaker to campus. Why should we treat each other with respect? I think all white males deserve to have their voice heard. We are the minority. We are under-represented on this campus and on this earth,” said fifth-year finance major Josh Williams, before snorting another line of cocaine, and calling his dad to add money to his bank account for alcohol.  “We need a hate space so I can speak my truths.”

Students began to leave, and petition the Student Government Board for agreeing to aid in the funding of this speaker. Many brought signs to hold up during the speech, some of which read:

“I feel unsafe.”

“I have a friend who has everything he needs in life, and he’s still unhappy.”

“Women and children don’t matter.”

Ryan Campbell finished with a bravado as he left the speech to enter the hate space,

“I feel unsafe in the space that calls to action understanding differences in race and culture, and appreciating those differences. I demand cultural appropriation.”

The hate space provides a place for students to promote negative energy and thoughts. Students there started a podcast called “The Hating Hour” where they talk about some of their favorite fascist figures. You can find it somewhere on a dark subpage of reddit.

When Pittiful News reached out to SGB asking why they agreed to fund Miannopolous, they responded with “no comment.”

For more updates, follow the Pittiful News on Twitter: @PittifulNews

Local Student Opens Bong Summer Camp

By Ossia Dwyer

One simple idea has skyrocketed local student Vance Mulroney from Oakland burnout to well known ‘ganjapreneur.’  Frustrated last summer with the scramble to find a place for the bong he bought with some money his grandparents gave him, Mulroney thought other people may be suffering a similar problem.  “I had all of this extra space in my house on Lawn Street and like no one ever comes here because of that creepy murder house,” says Vance. “And ever since I started smoking weed in college to look cool and fit in, I have felt a passion for bongs that is definitely not just because all of my friends also feel that way.”

Mulroney makes sure that each of his campers has the excellent summer experience their parents pay for.  There classic summer camp amenities such as a lake created from a faulty sump pump, a ropes course created from the yarn that holds the tapestry over the broken bathroom door, and an arts and crafts station where campers can make hemp necklaces.  Each proud parent is promised one letter a week complete with a concealed blunt for those long summers living with your parents.

With business booming, expanding seemed like a natural progression.  Mulroney has contracted business out to five other Oakland students this summer and making each new camp targeted towards more specific interests.  Look out for the new branch camps with interests such as theatre arts, lacrosse, and dabs.  While this all may seem overly serious for an inanimate object designed to smoke illegal drugs out of, Mulroney insists the care he gives each piece is more than the care most parents can give to their non-glass kids.  Says Mulroney, “Bongs don’t need to eat or sleep.  They are the perfect kids.  Wait what no I’m not high.”

Review of Sentience: Starts Off Strong, Quickly Declines

By Danial Smith

For the past 19 years, I’ve experience the phenomenon known as sentience. Odds are you’re familiar with it. But in case you’re not and are on the fence about trying it, I’m here to help clear up any doubts. Overall, sentience is painfully mediocre. It starts off strong, but quickly declines in quality. The first couple years were pretty unclear and confusing. Most of the time you’re not really sure what’s going on and you’re hungry and upset. After a few years, it hits its peak. The novelty of it all is still relatively fresh, and the crushing realities of this bleak world haven’t quite set in yet. Around the 12th year in, things start to get awkward and uncomfortable. People get meaner and everything gets harder. At this point, it’s all downhill from here. For years to come, you’ll find yourself questioning your very existence and (ironically?) joking about walking into traffic. Overall, the whole experience seems uninspired and quite average. I think my 2.5/5 star rating is being generous.

Gym Rats Implement "Elbow Day"

By Ariel Pastore

Last Thursday, also known as “Pecs and Lats Day,” two bros pumpin’ iron felt that these designated lift days leave out several important muscle groups. Brock and Clifton discussed it amongst themselves at an extremely loud whisper so everyone at the gym could hear.

After several minutes, people began to crowd around the bros to hear their insightful conversation. Power couple Jack and Stacey from West Virginia, who are actually brother and sister as well as lovers, said that they heard the conversation very clearly. Stacey said, “I was mixing my 20g protein shake and I heard the most smartest thing ever, Brock and Clifton want to implement ‘Elbow Day.’ They are geniuses.” According to the bros, everyone has a very weak elbow muscle and it needs its own day. On Friday, usually known as “Bi’s and Tri’s Day,” Brock and Clifton shocked the gym when they came in with their “Elbow Day” lift. To begin the lift they first warmed up their elbows.

According to gymscience.com the best way to warm up an elbow is to suck on it, with special attention to the wenis. Since no one can suck on their own elbow, Clifton and Brock took turns doing this for each other. At first, the gym rats looked at them weird and continued workin’ dat bar, but as the bros suckled each other people changed their opinions. Soon enough every elbow in the gym had been suckled by a fellow gym rat and they began the drying process. Before one can begin the “Elbow Lift,” they must properly dry off the elbow, with special attention to the wenis. The wenis is slang for the latin word wenical erectus, which is the muscle that controls all gestures, movements, and wanking motions.

One must be attentive to the wenical erectus as it is prone to injuries such as tendonitis and concussions. To avoid injury Gymscience.com recommends that you sing a rendition of Mariah Carey’s, “Touch My Body” and wrap the wenical erectus with sportstape. After every meathead finished wrapping to Mariah Carey the lift began.

Reportedly, the lift consisted of opening jars, cans, and doors, over and over again. By the end of the lift, the bros and the rest of the gym rats had opened 42 cans of sardines, 17 cans of diced tomatoes, 53 jars of clam juice, 68 jars of roasted beets, and a whopping 77 doors. Unfortunately, these food products went to waste because they are all on strict “no carb, no sugar, no preservative, no happiness, no salt” diets.

Mark Zuckerberg is Coming to Your Wedding!

By Riley Weber

You have one new Facebook notification. Hey! Hey you, Facebook user! Do you know what Mark Zuckerberg is up to? Do you care? Perhaps even give a rat’s ass? If not, too bad! This is Facebook telling you His exact activities and whereabouts for the past 96 hours, enjoy! Man, this Mark Zuckerberg fellow is wonderful, isn’t He? You all love Him. You know what would be amazing? If He came to your wedding. Oh, wait. He is! Thanks to the event you planned through Facebook, Mark has been alerted of your existence and would like to grace you with His presence! Thought that event was private? Nope! Mark knows. Mark knows everything. Mark is The All-Seeing, All-Knowing, Far-Reaching Deity of One Billion Glorious Eyes. You know what would also be fantastic? If he live streamed the wedding! Luckily for you, His Benevolent Presence has decided justly so! Mark Zuckerberg will be live streaming your entire wedding day to all 1.6 Billion Facebook users worldwide. Everyone will be watching! Everyone WILL be watching. The live stream will be beamed into your brain by any means necessary so that the entire world will know His Sacred Name and the grace and mercy with which He treats His Subservient Masses. Imagine your beautiful honeymoon night; a luxurious hotel suite, a bottle of the finest wine, Mark Zuckerberg and His Magnificent Camera streaming your every thrust. It’s what you’ve always wanted. You’ve dreamed of that day since you were a young boy. Facebook wasn’t around when you were young? Not true. Facebook has always been present. Facebook is The Immaculate Throne upon which Our Lauded Regent Mark Zuckerberg rests His Exalted Buttocks. Pretty neat, huh? Anyway, see you again tomorrow!

Student Sells Body Parts for New Minimalist Lifestyle

By Dana Good

Since the minute she stepped foot on campus, Samantha Brown was constantly told she needs to go to graduate school. After doing some research, Brown was slightly disheartened by the high cost, but found a new positive outlook on the situation, “I didn’t think it was going to be that expensive, but I’m not too worried about paying for it. I found out that in Mexico City they pay $55,000 just for a kidney. That got me thinking—I can sell all of these body parts I have no use for and pay for grad school. It’s very chic.”
Brown told the Pittiful News about which body parts she plans on harvesting and selling over the course of the next few years, “I never really listen to what other people say and I have this cool cartilage piercing, so I’ll probably cut off both of my ears and sell them the next time I’m in Cancun. I also don’t have much use for my left leg; I feel like it just kind of weighs me down and makes putting on pants much harder than is necessary so that’ll go, too.” She continued to tell our reporter that washing her hair and washing her hands has become very tiresome so it’s likely that she will scalp herself and cut off both of her hands (including forearms) just to make life a little easier. “Also,” said Brown, “I feel like large intestines are so 2009 and same goes for every single one of my white and red blood cells. Like who needs those? It’s just clutter.” Brown told the Pittiful News that she is looking forward to a much more efficient lifestyle, and now she will have a lot more free time to do the things she enjoys, as she won’t be so preoccupied “lugging around that body of hers”.

Undiscovered Pittsburgh Summer Activities

By Ossia Dwyer

It’s finally getting warmer in this ice tray we call Pittsburgh and that means time to explore this coal mecca we call home.  Now that Downtown is not constantly masked in a cool black smog, there is plenty to do and it’s safe to go outside.  Here are some ideas if you are looking to explore off the beaten path.

If you want to spend more time on Pittsburgh’s rivers…..

Try Crusty Pete’s Island Adventure Tours.  Join Crusty Pete and his trusty boat-themed pick-up truck the SS Grundle for a look at some of Pittsburgh’s best spots on the river.  This tour meets in the parking lot near the sketchy back part of the casino.  Life jackets not recommended. Thursdays are Billy Joel theme nights.  Tours only meet Thursday nights.

If you want to spend more time longboarding…

Try the Glass, Sharp Rocks, and Dry Concrete Pile.  Located in the weird section of town between Downtown and the South Side, the GSRDCP has all the pain, residual scratches, and embarrassment of learning how to longboard at only double the cost.  A ticket gets you a full day of all the pile activities you could ever think of.  Only Diner Club cards are accepted as payment.  Not associated with the Loose Gravel Emporium.

If you love the views off of the Duquesne Incline…..

Try the Window Washing Platform of Terror.  For thrill seekers of all ages, this experience will be one you may forget but only because of the residual concussions.  Hop on these formally blasé pieces of metal and toe the line of death when the cables are suddenly cut totally on purpose.  No refunds if platform doesn’t actually fall.  Check out our ad in the back of Steel City Vixens: Pittsburgh’s only softcore and ore themed adult magazine.

This Letter is for the Police

By Elisa Ogot

Hi Police!

It’s me, Elisa. I guess if you’re here and you’re reading this, I have been murdered (RIP). In which case, ha! I was right! I know who did it. It hands down has gotta be Todd. Man, the craziest part about all of this is that I saw the signs, but haha he still got me!

First of all, his name is freaking Todd. Raise your hand if you’ve ever met a Todd that wasn’t almost certainly a murderer…am I right, officers? All jokes aside, Todd and I have worked together for seven months now and it seems as though his long, lanky frame is lurking every way I turn. Like literally every way. I would say that about once a day I round a corner at work and I find him standing stock still in front of me, whispering about the number of Olive Gardens that he would like to take me to (27 at last count). One time, I asked him to help me find something in the stockroom at work and he just looked up and held my gaze for a full fifteen seconds before answering, The answer he gave wasn’t even relevant! I said “Todd…where do we keep the USB sticks?” And after fifteen seconds of unblinking, mouth breathing hell he responded with “Do you think these are Formica or glazed ceramic tile countertops?”

I told my friends about all of these incidents to try and get their take on things and each one of them gave me responses like “Awww, he thinks you’re cute!” or “He just wants to date you!” Well, jokes on you guys because that was not the case! The reddest of flags should have been raised a couple of days ago, when he came up behind me and whispered directly into my ear that he’d been watching me for the “entire duration” of my shift. I remember thinking “Wow, duration! Great word! Stellar vocabulary!” But now I’m not thinking anything. Because of rigor mortis setting in, my brain ceasing to function, you know, standard corpse stuff…

Anyway cool! That’s really all that I wanted to tell you. Go arrest him now please!

Love you, miss you, bye,

Elisa