Market Analysts Say Dining Dollar Depreciates in World Market

By Steven Jaindl

The Dining Dollar of the University of Pittsburgh has recently depreciated in value against other currencies of the world.  When compared to United States Dollars (USD)—the currency most historically related to the Dining Dollar—the Dining Dollar is now worth $0.86.

Market analysts point the near worthlessness of the Dining Dollar as the reason for this depreciation.

“The issue with the Dining Dollar,” says market analyst John Bourse, “is that it is hardly a currency at all, being entirely devoid of any worth outside of Pitt’s campus.”

In fact, not only does most of the world reject the Dining Dollar as a viable currency, but nearly all foreign countries refuse to exchange Dining Dollars into their own currencies.

“Other currencies want nothing to do with the Dining Dollar,” says Bourse.  “When’s the last time anyone has attempted to exchange their dining bucks for a respectable currency such as the Mexican Peso or the Vietnamese Dong?  Trust me—you’ll just get laughed at.”

The University of Pittsburgh’s Chancellor, Patrick Gallagher, shares in John Bourse’s dismissive opinion of the Dining Dollar.  Gallagher, who worked as Acting Deputy Secretary for the Department of Commerce before being hired to his current position, has some ideas for the future of pecuniary matters at Pitt:

“Fake internet money,” says Gallagher. “Like Bitcoin or something like that.  Apparently that’s the way of the future now—I should know because I read half an article on it the other day.”

Gallagher hopes to have a plan implemented before the start of the 2015 fall semester.  When asked what a potential name for the cryptocurrency could be, Gallagher replied that “Gallaghercoin has a certain ring to it, you know?  It there is anything my predecessors of the post of Chancellor taught me, it’s that it is never too early to start slapping your name on stuff.”

WEATHER REPORT

Hannah Lynn

Pittiful Meteorologist

Saturday

Cloudy with a chance of crow meatballs

Sunday

Day of repentance. No weather.

Monday

Looks like a beautiful sunny day, feels like the freezing embrace of a thousand icicles

Tuesday

Scattered snow showers in the morning, scattered ashes in the evening

Wednesday

It’s lump day! Get that lump examined.

Thursday

No chance of rain, but take umbrella anyway. Trust us. TRUST US.

Friday

Vortex of polar bears

Saturday

Well, well, well look who’s back for more

Women wear pants to award shows, continue to break barriers

By Hannah Lynn

At the recent Golden Globes award ceremony, multiple women including Lorde and Emma Stone, took a brave stance for women everywhere by wearing pants. No, that was not a typo. Multiple women, famous women, showed up to a public event in which they were photographed many times actually wearing pants.

There is no way to know for sure, but this could very well be the first time a woman has chosen to wear pants in public. Typically, at an awards show, women will wear a long gown of sorts, accompanied by a hamster-sized handbag. But pants opens up a whole new option for a handbag-less look!

“I have no idea who started this trend, but boy did it sweep me off my feet,” said SnapChat awards show correspondent Aidan Kyle.

A dress, first worn by women in the year 700 BC, is a garment that covers the body, but has an opening where the legs are, which is ideal for women during mating season. Pants, which were first invented in 1351, have typically been worn by men, who need full leg coverage while hunting and gathering.

With the Oscars coming up soon, the suspense will only build. What female celebrities will dare to wear pants to the most fashionable night of the year? Will Reese Witherspoon wear pants? Will Quvenzhané Wallis wear pants? Will Emma Stone wear pants AGAIN?

Emma Stone declined to comment on the subject matter, as did Lorde, but her publicist sounded like she was wearing pants over the phone.

Professional Gaming to be Aired on ESPN by 2016

By Christian Heagy

It is no doubt that League of Legends is one of the most popular “Electronic Sports” of this modern era. “Electronic Sports,” better known as “Esports,” is a growing trend across the globe. The 2014 League of Legends World Championship climbed up to over 11 million concurrent viewers from around the world at it’s peak.

With its exponential growth in popularity, it is no wonder that the demand to have professional Esports appear on television is on the rise and what better place to air it than famed sports channel, ESPN.

“It’s no doubt that having pro League of Legends on television is a step in the right direction.” announced Andy “Reginald” Dihn, coach and owner of Team Solo Mid, one of the longest running teams in the professional League of Legends scene. “The players are already in contracts and are treated like other sports players and it’s about time they got on television.”

“Having professional League of Legends aired on our channel will broaden our target audience outside of the typical sports watchers. We hope to have the Finals, if not all, of the League of Legends 2016 World Championship aired on our channel.” explains John Skipper, president of ESPN, inc.

“I always found the traditional games aired on ESPN to be rather boring and quite barbaric. The introduction of Esports will be a breath of fresh air. It will be nice to see a knowledge based game that actually requires skill on ESPN” said video game enthusiast, Gary “xXsEmIpRoXx” Yang.

By adding League of Legends to the list of games they already air, ESPN seems to be making the right economic choice. The contract is set to be signed December 9, 2015.

Gary has a Deceptively Keen Sense of Smell

By Tom Harnett

Shadyside man Gary Newman continues to surprise people with his impeccable sense of smell.  The most impressive thing, though, is how unexpected it is.

“If you looked at Gary you would be like ‘Oh that guy probably has a horrible sense of smell’ but I’ll tell you what, you’d be wrong.”  Said an admiring coworker.  Instead of a nose Gary has a flat patch of skin, spanning from the upper lip to the forehead.  Friends describe it as, “Almost like Voldemort but flatter.”  This curious birth defect was never diagnosed.

Legend on the streets of Pittsburgh is that Gary’s smell range expanded to an immeasurable number, they estimate, “around 2 Louisiana Purchases wide and 3 Louisiana Purchases tall.”   

A source on Gary’s inner circle describe his sense of smell as, “Like his superpower and his kryptonite at the same time.”  The word around camp is that Gary’s smelling ability is too much responsibility for any mortal man.  Gary seems to have been forced to smell things no one should have to.  

The Gary enthusiasts seem to be growing in number every day.  Gary’s boss described it as, “A weird cult following.”  

What makes this man tick?  Is it his argyle sweater vest?  Is it the thick black glasses that were supported by an array of suction cups?  Is it his Big Bang Theory belt holding up tan slacks?  The answer must rest underneath that slab of flat pale skin in between his eyes, utterly devoid of a nose, it smelled.

The real question is: Is he on our side?  

Kraft Visionaries Push the Limits Of What We Call “Food”

By Mia Feldman

“If you think about it, what is food really?” pondered senior Kraft Foods chef and chemical engineer, John Galliard. “Traditionally the answer has been meats, fruits, vegetables, grains and dairy products. But we at Kraft are working hard to push past these limitations and to open people’s minds to new ideas of what’s edible and what isn’t.”

Galliard, a self-described “food visionary,” developed his passion at an early age. “Growing up my mother always told me ‘Johnny don’t eat anything you find behind the couch. You’ll get sick.’ So I just had it in my mind anything from behind the couch was outside this so called sphere-of-edibility. Until one day, when I worked up the courage taste this raisin I found between two cushions. I was nervous to eat it but then I was fine. That really got the gears in my head spinning. If people can eat raisins from behind the couch what else can we eat? Yogurt from a tube? Fruit-punch flavored oreos? Cool-Whip frosting? Anything can be edible if you dare to dream.”

Galliard and his team don’t like labels. “Studies have found that if you show people an apple and a beaker of high fructose corn syrup or aspertame and say ‘point to the food’ they’ll typically point to the apple. But why has our society labeled one a food and not the other? Our goal at Kraft is to get people out of their culinary comfort zones. When making food choices we want people to step outside of the realm of what we’ve been eating for centuries.”

Despite some amount of controversy from health freaks and quinoa enthusiasts, Galliard is extremely proud of the work he does. He pointed out that before the 20th century young children whose parents were too lazy to feed them typically died. “Thanks to our work at Kraft these children are able to subsist on a diet of lunchables, happymeals and cheesesticks,” he said proudly. “Thanks to our culinary ingenuity sometimes they’re even able to make it to the age of 45.”

Jeffrey Chaucer Pays Surprise Visit To Cup and Chaucer Café

By Louis Lobron

   

Patrons of Hillman Library’s Cup and Chaucer cafe received a surprise this Thursday afternoon when none other than renowned tale-spinner and cafe founder Geoffrey Chaucer made an unprecedented appearance in the pseudo-Starbucks chill-out spot. 

Though Chaucer was initially met with utter and complete indifference, he eventually invited a few dubious stares as he addressed what he described to our reporters as a “tough crowd”. In his most eloquent middle-english, Chaucer dynamically recounted the first days of the cafe. “When Sir Cup and I had the idea to start a coffee-shop 800 years ago, everybody in England was all like “what’s a coffee shop?, and what’s coffee? and “this is what you get for being a liberal arts major, Jeff” , but we persisted, and by way of charging $4 for small cups of sugary, mildly caffeinated beverages, we made it work Goddamnit, and look how far our creation has come,” Chaucer spoke through a translator, and not without nostalgic, nostalgic tears. 

Customers of the cafe, as well as regular library-goers who just like the mellow vibe back there, did not, however, receive Chaucer well at all. “They should really start asking for ID during the day” said disgruntled student Colin Foles, adding “I just want to sit here and watch CollegeHumor videos and avoid responsibility in peace”. When library security noticed Chaucer, they assumed the legendary author was simply a vagrant off the street, and briskly escorted him from the premises, in spite of his protests. “The Knight’s Tale, The Reave’s Tale, The Miller’s Tale, don’t you remember? I made your high school English classes magical!” objected the saucy medieval wordsmith. 

When reached for comment, Pitt English department chair Don Bialotosky inquired “Isn’t the Miller’s Tale the one about farts?”.

Diets To Die For!

By Dr. Louis Lobron

Bathing suit season might be months off, but it’s never too early to get started on trimming off that shame-cushioning! These time tested and trendy new diets will be a sure shot.

Mediterranean

– Pizza, pasta, and the like. Just generally a lot of carbs.

Nordic

-Salt water fish like Cod, seaweed, potatoes, rowing to the new world

New Nordic

-Similar to the traditional Nordic diet, but replacing fish with critically acclaimed jam band Phish, and seaweed with just regular weed

Paleo

-Skeletons?

Raw

-Berries, nuts, seeds, denying your children TV, general resentment from mainstream neighbors

The Lemonade Diet

-Fuckin’ lemonade

The Dr. Oz Ultimate Diet

-Lean chicken, salmon, fresh fruits and vegetables, a slowly but surely growing sense of guilt from undeserved attention

The Super-Antioxidant Purge

-32 oz. of cranberry juice a day (up to 16 oz. replaceable by vodka)

Nothing

-Eat nothing.

New SGB Cites Previous Make-Believe Experience as Credentials

By Mike Citrola

The newly elected members of Pitt’s Student Government Board expressed confidence in their positions in office as a result of the many make-believe roles they’ve held in the past.

During an exclusive interview with The Pittiful News, the board boasted about their qualifications and the work they’d done to earn them. “It’s no surprise the student body voted me in. I’ve been a leader all my life,” said Nasreen Harun, holding up a picture of herself as a child in a purple, presumably store-bought princess costume. “I led the Kingdom of Snugglemore into battle with the army of American Girl Dolls, so yeah, I’m pretty sure allocating funds to student groups will be a snap.”

All of the new officers emphasized their prior leadership positions. “Anyone doubting my credentials can go suck a bug,” said SGB President, Graeme Meyer. “I’m a natural born leader. How else would I’ve been able to lead the Hebrews out of Egypt’s land? It was hard work, but I can assure you, I’ll bring the same caliber of freedom to the Pitt student community.”

The Pittiful News reminded Meyer that he had not led the Hebrews from Egypt and that was, in fact, the Jewish prophet Moses. Meyers was unfazed by this news. “Of course, I’m not actually Moses. But I went to a neighbor’s Passover Seder once in middle school, and got so into the story of the Haggadah that I pretended to be Moses for, like, 2 weeks. That fantasy was very demanding but it taught me a lot. And when it comes to running a student government, it helps to already have experience pretending to lead a large group.”

His colleagues shared similar sentiments. “I’ve heard worried talks about the new University Senate Council, and I just don’t get it,” said representative Everett Green. “I’m no stranger to working in this type of government agency. Hell, ever since The Phantom Menace came out, I’ve imaginarily worked alongside Yoda AND Mace Windu in the Galactic Senate. I used to have a multi-color lightsaber, but I switched it out for a blue one when I changed my favorite color to blue last year.”

Upon request of any real, non-make-believe qualifications, the SGB threatened to fight The Pittiful News, threw down a smoke bomb and scattered.  

‘All About That Bass’ Teaches Body Issues To New Set of Young Girls

By Phil Forrence

In wake of the recent stream of mega-hits celebrating the body types of larger women, (Meghan Trainor’s  ‘All About That Bass’, Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’, and J-Lo’s ‘Booty’) a previously untapped portion of tweenage females are learning the ropes of hating what their momma gave them. “I’ve always seen it happening.” Says 13-year old Madison Lively, “Fat girls go to the bathroom crying that they don’t get invited to the dance, but just last week,” she reports, “I hear that a man’s anaconda won’t want none unless I have buns. I run to the bathroom and through tears glare at my sickly frame because suddenly I, I’m the fat girl.”

“It’s not fair.” Says 14-year-old Alyssa Chambers from Columbus, Ohio. “Until yesterday, I’d known that only skinny girls got attention from boys,” she continues, “but then suddenly between counting my calories for lunch, I hear that infectious refrain about guys loving the bass and I begin to hastily stuff my face with french fries.”

“Personally, I love it.” reports Satan.

One group of women says that the songs are empowering. Another group says that they miss the good old days of skinny celebration. However, there is a slightly smaller group of women saying the songs just change a forced template of beauty from one stencil to another. If you really want to empower women, then denounce the determination of feminine worth as a set of measurables or present a more fact-based understanding of the nuanced sexual attraction. These songs could barely be described as a wrinkle in the undisguised corporate rouse of playing on the natural insecurities of the female sex.

The first two groups respond, “Yeah… but they’re so catchy!”