Bathroom Renovations

By Eric Brinling

I was on the second floor of the Cathedral of Learning, doing second floor sorts of things like wishing I was on the first or third floor, when, for the first time this month, I had to use the restroom. To my surprise I found the second-floor men’s restroom newly renovated, and I optimistically anticipated a quick and comfortable urination in luxury.

To my right upon entering there lay a long hallway of stalls. I longed to walk down that hall and try to creep people out by stopping in front of occupied stalls and putting my ear up against the door but… not today. No, I had business to attend to, and that had to take first priority (because, you see, it was #1).

So instead I turned to the left, and saw there were two hallways with urinals on one side, and sinks on the other. I was slightly disappointed that they didn’t renovate the urinals to just be one giant funnel in the floor, but I quickly overcame my disappointment and resolved to take the urinal farthest from the only other man who was in there, who had taken possession of the urinal closest to the entrance. But, as I reached the end of one of the hallways, I found another hallway, lined on one side with urinals and the other side with sinks, and sprinkled here and there was an air dryer. 

With my bladder full of pee and curiosity, I followed this new hallway, which then branched into another hallway, and another one after that. I thought maybe I should just use one of the urinals close at hand, but I steeled my resolve and ventured further. Then the hallways started branching into three, or four, or five different directions, and I was, by this point, truly lost, and for a moment I despaired. 

That was when I saw him: a man dressed all in yellow. He saw me and ran, and not knowing what else to do I gave chase. I followed him to a stairwell, where he climbed four steps at a time like a Chad while I could only manage two, and he quickly outpaced me. Nonetheless, I kept climbing. I lost count after some time, but I climbed exactly 487 floors, which is strange because I thought you couldn’t go higher than the 36th floor in the Cathedral.

I emerged at the top of the building, far above the clouds, and I collapsed from exhaustion. I saw the man in yellow, briefly, before he leapt into a funnel in the floor. That was when I knew what I must do. I stood up, unzipped, and peed into the funnel, providing Allegheny County rain for years to come.

Hail to Pigeon!: Fan Favorite Homecoming Pigeon Offered Pitt Football Scholarship

By Isaac Przybysz

On October 26th, Pitt football squared off against Miami to cap off Homecoming Week, ultimately losing 16-12. However, the show was stolen by a certain pigeon that sat on the field and calmly went about its business as 22 three-hundred pound men threw a ball around and hit each other in its vicinity, much to the delight of the student section and ESPN cameramen. 

In light of the pigeon’s rise to Pitt stardom, the football program has decided to offer the bird a scholarship to play. Coach Pat Narduzzi liked what he saw from the pigeon.

“He’s a real tough player, that pigeon,” said Narduzzi. “Look how calm and composed he is in the heat of the game. He’s got the fundamentals. I’m impressed with his battle and grit on the field. Knows how to find the endzone, which he did more times than our entire team did on Saturday. He’s exactly the kind of player we want here, and of course we want to get a jump on recruiting. Can’t afford to lose star recruits to that other school in the center of the state.”

The student body is already overjoyed at this recruitment. Many students have already pre-ordered jerseys and t-shirts. Others have debated over nicknames for the pigeon, with the front runners appearing to be “Kenny Pigeon” and “Paris Bird”. Some students have even gone so far as to propose changing the school mascot to a pigeon.

“Panthers are old news, man. When have you seen one here anyway? Pittsburgh Pigeons has a pretty nice ring to it,” one excited student said. 

The excitement of the pigeon’s recruitment has stretched beyond campus and has shaken up the college football world as we know it. Upon the pigeon being added to Pitt’s roster, a CFP spokesperson has said that Pitt’s previous losses to Virginia, Miami, and Pitt Rejects are all “quality losses” that are “not indicative of Pitt’s current talent.” As a result, the CFP has decided to cancel ranks 2 through 25 entirely and place Pitt in the National Championship against Alabama.

The pigeon is clearly already a Pitt legend, surpassing the mediocre crop of Pitt alumni that includes busts such as Dan Marino and Larry Fitzgerald. The pigeon is a legend not just at Pitt, but in the sport of football.

How the Pittiful News is a cult right now

By Tyler Sikov

At the beginning of every meeting we are reminded that the Pittiful News is not a cult, but this is not true. The Pittiful News is a cult. Here are some reasons we are a cult:

1. We meet at the same time every week
2. We sometimes have people who stop showing up to meetings, and once they disgrace our group, they are never heard from again
3. We aggressively advertise ourselves to others
4. We have unorthodox opinions on things, such as our continuing discussion of if the sun is a soup
5. We perform bi-weekly blood sacrifices to Gallaghator
6. We have eccentric leaders
7. We sit in a circle
8. We entrap people into coming to future meetings with the promise of pickles, but we hardly ever deliver on our promise
9. We have a weekly agenda written by our previously mentioned eccentric leaders, and this agenda is followed to the letter
10. We welcome death like it is an old friend
11. We scored a 100% on the International Cultic Studies Association’s “Is your organization a cult?” test and the Buzzfeed “Are you in a cult” quiz (and those are real)
12. We are the first link that comes up when I google “cult”
13. We chant these 13 “We’s” at the beginning and end of every meeting

Restaurant Review: Pho Kin Authentic Vietnamese

By Blair Kriz

If you’re looking for authentic foreign cuisine that any student who’s from that country would tell you isn’t actually authentic, Oakland has plenty of options. From chicken named after a Chinese general who probably didn’t exist to pizza with toppings that make famous Italian chefs roll in their graves, we’ve got it all. However, I have found a restaurant that provides an experience so authentic you’ll feel like you studied abroad for a semester and now need to tell everyone about it.

After my disappointing experience at Panther House Bar and Grill last weekend (I mean, they’re called ‘Panther House’ but they don’t even take Panther Funds!), I decided I needed something different, which leads us to this week’s restaurant. Located so deep in South Oakland that no sober person has ever been there, Pho Kin Authentic Vietnamese sets the atmosphere as soon as you walk in. Instead of hanging “traditional” artwork like many faux ethnic restaurants, this place decorates its walls to look like the jungles of Vietnam. I would have appreciated this a lot more had I not brought along my Grandfather, a Vietnam War veteran. As we walked in and saw this decor, two of the servers were speaking to each other in their native language, which caused Grandpa to start yelling “The trees are speaking Vietnamese again!” After calming him down and apologizing to the staff, we took our seats and started looking at the menu. 

I ended up ordering a Long Island bubble tea and pho with beef brisket. What I did not order, however, was an appetizer. This made me very surprised when after a while they brought out a small plate of bean sprouts, lime wedges, and some strange leaves. I quickly ate them as I was hungry, but only when our dinner came out moments later did I realize that they were supposed to go in the soup. After serving our food, the waitress looked at the empty plate, shook her head, and walked away disappointedly muttering something. My Vietnamese is a little rusty, but I’m pretty sure I picked up the words “White ass bitch.”

My pho was good, it could have used some bean sprouts but I guess that’s my fault. Dinner was going well – at least until it happened. After grandpa’s incident earlier, they stopped playing jungle noises and started playing Vietnamese covers of the summer hits of 2008. But they soon ran out and switched to a local classic rock station, which started playing Fortunate Son. The song instantly brought Grandpa back to the 1960s in ‘Nam for the second time that day. He ran into the kitchen, armed himself with a frying pan, and yelled “Get out of here, the rice paddies ain’t safe!” He then went on a rampage emptying the cupboards and flipping over all the tables looking for the Vietcong. 

I had an amazing meal at Pho Kin and give it a perfect five out of five stars, and I’m not just saying that because they know where I live.

Pittiful Advice: Is it safe to leave tacos in my car?

Wow, great question! We had to contact our expert on car tacos for this one. Since you didn’t provide the specs (number, color, etc.) of your tacos, she just gave us some general guidelines:

• Leaving tacos in your car increases the likelihood that your car will be broken into. The breaker will most likely want to steal your tacos, although they’ll say they were just trying to help you.
• Leaving tacos in your car for a period of 36 hours or less is generally OK. Be aware that your car may grow rather attached to the tacos (in a non-moldy way) during that time, which may make taco removal difficult. If you must leave tacos in your car, place them in a Tupperware of coconut oil to shield your car from their charms. Nonetheless, do not be alarmed if your car learns Spanish, paints itself tomato red, or retains the scent of limes even after taco removal.
• Hard-shell tacos generally do better in cars than soft-shell tacos. Soft-shell tacos, though undoubtedly more delicious, bring more filling and are more sensitive to high-pressure environments such as your car, so they can collapse from strain.
• A note on tacos containing cheese: some tacos contain straight cheese, while others contain gay cheese or other cheeses (often collectively called “homosexuals” in discriminatory circles). If you leave a mixture of tacos in your car, it is vital that the group is well-balanced, i.e. a healthy mixture of straight- and other-cheese tacos. Inequality often leads to unrest among tacos.
• I do not recommend leaving tacos in your car if they contain any meats, fish, eggs, or dairy (other than cheese). Against everyone’s will, they will grow attached to your car in a moldy way.
• Under no circumstances should you leave tacos in your car for more than 36 hours, especially if you intend to eat them afterwards (this action, labelled as repulsive among experts, is known colloquially as “gross”).

Best,

Satire Sal

 

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My Lucky Tooth

By Tyler Sikov

8:30 AM- I wake up and find that my Lucky tooth is missing. I love that tooth and I must find it.

12:30 PM- I wake up for real this time, hoping that I had only dreamt the loss of my Lucky tooth.

2:30 PM- Ok, Now I am definitely awake.

2:35 PM- I search every inch of my room to find my Lucky tooth.

2:50 PM- My Lucky tooth is nowhere to be found. It must have been stolen.

3:00 PM- I cry myself to sleep.

8:30 AM- I wake up and find that my Lucky tooth is missing. I love that tooth and I must find it.

12:30 PM- I wake up for real this time, hoping that I had only dreamt the loss of my Lucky tooth.

2:30 PM- Ok, Now I am definitely awake.

2:35 PM- I search every inch of my room to find my Lucky tooth.

2:50 PM- My Lucky tooth is nowhere to be found. It must have been stolen.

3:00 PM- I cry myself to sleep.

8:30 AM- I wake up and find that my Lucky tooth is missing. I love that tooth and I must find it.

12:30 PM- I wake up for real this time, hoping that I had only dreamt the loss of my Lucky tooth.

2:30 PM- Ok, Now I am definitely awake.

2:35 PM- I search every inch of my room to find my Lucky tooth.

2:50 PM- My Lucky tooth is nowhere to be found. It must have been stolen.

3:00 PM- I cry myself to sleep.

1:00 AM- I wake up, and question whether Lucky tooth is even mine. I remember the saying if you love something let it go. When I found Lucky tooth, it was love at first lick. 

3:00 AM- I am there, standing over my room mates bed. That is when I see the red coming from his mouth, I have found my new Lucky tooth.

8:30 AM- I wake up to find that I have recovered Lucky tooth, I scream at him angrily, “Don’t you ever leave me again!”. But I cant stay mad at Lucky tooth. I Love you Lucky tooth.

An Open Letter to Pitt Residence Life on Why I Should Be Allowed to Have a Dog

By Zach Hartman

Office of Residence Life
935 William Pitt Union
3959 Fifth Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA 15260

To Whom It May Concern:

Can I get a dog for my dorm? Pleeeeease? I’d take care of it myself! And I’d feed him
and water him and take him for walks every day! Pleeeeease? I know Christmas is coming up soon and I’ve been a very good boy this year so I think being allowed to have a dog next semester would be a prefect present! The dog could keep me company! And I could train him not to bark or disturb the neighbors. We already have Therapy Dog Tuesdays, so why not make every day a Tuesday? Who likes Mondays anyway?

Plus, did you know that there are thousands of dogs sitting in cages in animal shelters
right now, just waiting for someone to come and adopt them? Imagine how many dogs could be saved if every college student could adopt one! I mean, I’m not saying it should be a requirement, but wouldn’t it be nice to have the option? And like I get it if you don’t want dogs in Towers or the Quad or something, but if you live in like, Bouquet, then what’s the problem? There’s enough space! And there’s even a yard for the dog to play! It’s practically designed to have a pet!

If that isn’t enough to convince you, here are workingmother.com’s “7 Good Reasons Why You Should Get a Dog for Your Kids”:

1. They are a true friend
2. They help you maintain good health
3. They protect kids
4. They help kids develop skills
5. They promote emotional development
6. They reduce anxiety
7. They help kids manage behavioral problems
8. (and I added this one myself) They’re just so good!

Woah. I’m convinced. Are you? Show us you understand our canine cause and allow us to keep dogs in the dorms! It’s about time!

Sincerely yours,

The Canine Council

I accidentally sprayed myself with Glade Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener and now I’m, like, so basic.

By Savannah Teman

Day 1: Ahh, a new season is upon us. The joy of wearing sweaters and making a cup of tea. Reading a good book in my bed. Just the classic fall things everyone enjoys. I even indulge in a little pumpkin scented what-not here and there, like the Glade Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener in my dorm hall bathroom. I won’t lie when I say that I spray this every chance I get: shitting, showering, even when I walk past to get to the staircase. 

Day 2: So, I was in the bathroom today, preparing to spray my daily spritz of Glade Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener, when suddenly the can sprayed right into my face! I decided to shower, but now I can’t tell if, like, the air freshener washed off, or if my senses have just become numb from the smell. 

Day 3: I, like, woke up feeling groggy, meaning I was craving coffee. Specifically, a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I sat at a Starbucks table, drinking my latte, and considering posting a pic for my Insta. Side note: Today I, like, took a particular interest in the small piles of leaves on the sidewalk. It was so tiny, but I wanted to run through it anyways.

Day 4: I went to Target today, and passed the seasonal clothing section. As I was getting kicked out because it was closing time (when did Target decide to start closing?? I need to have access to carb-free popcorn when I’m watching Clueless at 3AM with my besties!), I walked out with two infinity scarves, three different shades of Pumpkin Orange sweaters, and of course, a PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte, for those of you who LITERALLY live under a rock. Ugh.) from the Starbucks inside Target.

Day 5: Like, my one friends commented that I’ve been acting… off. I don’t understand what she means because, like, I just wanted to take some cute fall candids for VSCO! I said, “Here let me put on my mittens and my hat!!” and all she said was “It’s 83 degrees out, what are you DOING?” Like, I decided not to be mad at her, because like Matthew 22:39 says, “love thy girlfriends.” And, of course, I used that as my caption when I posted the pics we took.

Day 6: I finally decided enough was enough! The Pumpkin Spice Latte, like, needs to be all year round. And, like, same thing with the Peppermint Latte! In order to live my life to the fullest and most aesthetically pleasing-est, I HAVE to have my PSL. Buying the premade drinks or the coffee blends or the pumpkin spice creamers just won’t cut it. I decided to start a club at school. It will be called the PSL club, and our only goal is to get Starbucks to realize that PSL is essential for life. There’s already been posters put up, too! I mean, they were spelled wrong, so I had to, like, sharpie over them so they say PSL instead of ASL, but I think it still gets the message across.

If, like, you’d like to, like, join, then come to 349 Cathy, Mondays at 9:00PM. And it’s BYOIF: bring your own infinity scarf. This upcoming meeting we’ll be discussing how Ed Sheeran looks like a Pumpkin Spice Latte and how we can use this for our campaign.

I Caught Feelings for the Naruto Runner Guy From Area 51

By Abby Stoudt

Are you there Naruto runner guy from Area 51? It’s me, Abby.

Ever since my lonely gaze fell upon your splendid bod, it was like love at first sight. Your form was so perfect that it reminded me of how it felt to be alive again. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt anything. I stopped feeling things when I watched episode 109 of Naruto (that’s the one where Sasuke leaves the village, for all of you uncultured losers out there). But Naruto runner guy, you made me feel a new woman. I swear when you ran across that desert behind that reporter, a million butterflies took flight in my stomach. I grew weak in the knees. I can’t stop thinking about you.

Naruto runner guy, I know this sounds corny but make me feel like I’ve just been named hokage. You make me feel like how Naruto must have felt after he was finally able to concentrate enough chakra in his feet to run all the way up to the tree and slash a mark higher than Sasuke could. You make me feel like Naruto when he finally mastered the rasengan.

If I’m being honest, Naruto runner guy (and I will be honest with you in our relationship. There will be no secrets between us because relationships need communication in order to work. I will respect you and I will listen to you. I will be your shoulder to cry on and your best friend. I believe that we might even be soul mates, Naruto runner guy, if you don’t mind me being too forward.), if I’m being honest, I think that you are so brave and courageous, and that you should even be named a national hero. Not just anyone could do what you did and run so beautifully on television like that, but I think it was so wonderful.

Naruto runner guy, if you ever see this, I hope that it sparks something inside you too. No, I hope it ignites a fire inside of you that is brighter than the fire release jitsu and it burns just as hot.

By the way, I’m single, 5’3”, Pisces, and have a fantastic sense of humor ;)

Love,

Abby

For Sale: Ultra-Rare Pitt Bonfire Shirt ($1000, or the equivalent of three meal swipes)

By Trish Caucci

 

Hello!

I am just a simple, silly freshman trying to sell my hard-earned t-shirt that I got fair and square at bonfire night. I thought since I’m so lucky to live in the air-conditioned haven that is Nordenberg, or as I know it “Nordy”, I should try to share my good fortune with my campus. I figured I should share my wealth because I know some people have to live in Towers. Since I’ve been here for about a month, I reckon I know a lot about being a Pitt student. I am well acquainted—sorry about my huge SAT word slipping out—with the hard work of standing in a line for free stuff.

I’m selling my ware for such a low price because I hate to think that my roommate and I are fighting over this stupid shirt. It’s so hard to like shower in our marble bathrooms knowing she’s so furious and might passive aggressively play Billie Eillish’s “Bury a Friend” while we sleep. She’s pissed that while we were both sweating furiously in our crop top sweatshirts that night the cute guy handing out the merchandise looked at my belly button panther ring and said, “Hail to Pitt” when handing me the last shirt. So, I got the last of the supplies, which didn’t really last ya know?

I don’t really remember what happened after that because of the strong Strawberitas we had that night. I remember flashes of us dancing in red paint; I think it was lit, but I don’t really know to be honest. I know my roommate’s sophomore boyfriend, who she “definitely didn’t follow to school”, egged her on about not getting him a shirt. And then we might have fought? He hasn’t heard from her since then, and come to think of it neither have I. I think she might have found someone else to follow. Did I mention I was wearing the cropped sweatshirt first, and she changed into it? I’m glad she’s gone. Anyway, I’ll accept meal swipes in payment because I made some senior friends who said they can get their hands on some more Strawberitas for me.

Anyway, toodles.