New Royalty-Free Christmas Songs Coming Out This Year (Before thanksGiving)

By The Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Jews)

  • Dingle Smells
    • Bingle Shells
  • Santa Claus is coming to town, but not the part you live in 
  • WAP (Wet Ass Presents)
    • Bring a bucket and a mop, for these wet ass presents 
  • You better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out 
  • Last Christmas (I Ripped Out Your Heart) 
  • I Saw Mommy Get Her Back Blown Out By Santa Claus
  • The Listmas Song
  • Santa Claus is leaving town 
  • She’ll be going around the mountain when she goes 
  • Do it now, lick it good, suck this _____ just like you should (acoustic version) 
  • Have Yourself A Terrible, Big Christmas 
  • Harley Quinn’s Jingling Bell Hat (The Movie: The musical: The series: The Song)
    • by 100 Gecs 
  • Caucasian Christmas
  • We met Parson Brown, he smells bad  
  • All I Want For Christmas is Jews, Baby
  • All I Want For Christmas is Juice, Baby
  • All I Want For Christmas is Moose Babies (they’re endangered!)
  • The Little Bummer Boy 
  • Away In A Hangar (The Pilot’s Christmas Carol) 
  • I got my Sleigh License last week, just like we always talked about
  • Grandma Sued the Reindeer  
  • Cocking Around the Christmas Tree
  • Talking Around The Christmas Tree (It’s a boring holiday)
  • Jingle Bell Cock 
  • I Want An Apex Predator For Christmas 
  • MistleHOE   
  • 10 Hours of My Dad Yelling At Me (The Untangling Lights Song) 
  • I’ll Be In The Dorms For Christmas 
  • Elf, the Elf Song 
  • Rudolph’s Noses by Owl City 
  • All I Wanda for Christmas by Vision 
  • Counting Presents by One Republic 
  • Baby Got Back (In Time For Christmas) 
  • Hey, Ghost of Christmas Future by Train 
  • Let’s Marvin Gaye and Get It On (Under the Mistletoe) 
  • Let’s Marvin Sleigh and Get It On
  • Moves Like Santa by Maroon 5 
  • Maps To Your House by Maroon 5 
  • Deers Like You by Maroon 5 dedicated to Rudolph  
    • Run round with Bucks like me till sundown
  • Milk and Cookies by Maroon 5 dedicated to Santa’s love for Sugar 
  • Frosty the Snowman had very lucrative toes 
    • Frosty the Toeman? 
  • Shape of Ewe by Ed Sheepran 
  • Kiss Me (Under the Mistletoe) Baby One More Time by Britney Spears
  • Kiss Me (Under the Mistletoe) Like You Wanna Be Loved by Ed Sheeran 
  • Church Town Funk by Bruno Mars
  • Upward (the Christian dating app) Town Funk by Bruno Mars
  • Christ’s Team by Ed Sheeran 
  • All About That Baste by Meghan Trainor 
  • Memories of Christmas Past by Maroon 56 dedicated to Ebenezer Scrooge  
  • When I Taste Eggnog by Dan and Shay
  • All I Want For Christmas by Olivia Rodrigo, playing Nini in High School the Musical the Series
    • The Series: The Musical: The High School: The Nini
  • 24 Karat Nights of Christmas by Bruno Mars
  • We Found Christ by Rihanna
  • Can you hurry sir, moma’s not got much time, for me to buy her christmas casket
  • Old Town Church by Lil Nas X
  • Call Me JC by Carly Rae Jepsen
  • God’s Plan by Drake
  • The Hanukkah song by Adam Snadler 

An Open Letter to Pitt Residence Life on Why I Should Be Allowed to Have a Dog

By Zach Hartman


Office of Residence Life
935 William Pitt Union
3959 Fifth Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA 15260

To Whom It May Concern:

Can I get a dog for my dorm? Pleeeeease? I’d take care of it myself! And I’d feed him
and water him and take him for walks every day! Pleeeeease? I know Christmas is coming up soon and I’ve been a very good boy this year so I think being allowed to have a dog next semester would be a prefect present! The dog could keep me company! And I could train him not to bark or disturb the neighbors. We already have Therapy Dog Tuesdays, so why not make every day a Tuesday? Who likes Mondays anyway?

Plus, did you know that there are thousands of dogs sitting in cages in animal shelters
right now, just waiting for someone to come and adopt them? Imagine how many dogs could be saved if every college student could adopt one! I mean, I’m not saying it should be a requirement, but wouldn’t it be nice to have the option? And like I get it if you don’t want dogs in Towers or the Quad or something, but if you live in like, Bouquet, then what’s the problem? There’s enough space! And there’s even a yard for the dog to play! It’s practically designed to have a pet!

If that isn’t enough to convince you, here are’s “7 Good Reasons Why You Should Get a Dog for Your Kids”:

  1. They are a true friend
  2. They help you maintain good health
  3. They protect kids
  4. They help kids develop skills
  5. They promote emotional development
  6. They reduce anxiety
  7. They help kids manage behavioral problems
  8. (and I added this one myself) They’re just so good!

Woah. I’m convinced. Are you? Show us you understand our canine cause and allow us to keep dogs in the dorms! It’s about time!

Sincerely yours,

The Canine Council