Bathroom Renovations

By Eric Brinling


I was on the second floor of the Cathedral of Learning, doing second floor sorts of things like wishing I was on the first or third floor, when, for the first time this month, I had to use the restroom. To my surprise I found the second-floor men’s restroom newly renovated, and I optimistically anticipated a quick and comfortable urination in luxury.

To my right upon entering there lay a long hallway of stalls. I longed to walk down that hall and try to creep people out by stopping in front of occupied stalls and putting my ear up against the door but… not today. No, I had business to attend to, and that had to take first priority (because, you see, it was #1).

So instead I turned to the left, and saw there were two hallways with urinals on one side, and sinks on the other. I was slightly disappointed that they didn’t renovate the urinals to just be one giant funnel in the floor, but I quickly overcame my disappointment and resolved to take the urinal farthest from the only other man who was in there, who had taken possession of the urinal closest to the entrance. But, as I reached the end of one of the hallways, I found another hallway, lined on one side with urinals and the other side with sinks, and sprinkled here and there was an air dryer. 

With my bladder full of pee and curiosity, I followed this new hallway, which then branched into another hallway, and another one after that. I thought maybe I should just use one of the urinals close at hand, but I steeled my resolve and ventured further. Then the hallways started branching into three, or four, or five different directions, and I was, by this point, truly lost, and for a moment I despaired. 

That was when I saw him: a man dressed all in yellow. He saw me and ran, and not knowing what else to do I gave chase. I followed him to a stairwell, where he climbed four steps at a time like a Chad while I could only manage two, and he quickly outpaced me. Nonetheless, I kept climbing. I lost count after some time, but I climbed exactly 487 floors, which is strange because I thought you couldn’t go higher than the 36th floor in the Cathedral.

I emerged at the top of the building, far above the clouds, and I collapsed from exhaustion. I saw the man in yellow, briefly, before he leapt into a funnel in the floor. That was when I knew what I must do. I stood up, unzipped, and peed into the funnel, providing Allegheny County rain for years to come.

Woman who opens public bathroom door without knocking literally raised by wolves

By Hannah Lynn

In the middle of a bustling California Pizza Kitchen, 19-year-old Kathy Lupin caused a stir when she opened a one-stall public bathroom, without knocking, to find another young woman, 33-year-old Shelly Koch, peeing. Koch shrieked and Devine seemed shocked to find the bathroom occupied even though, as previously stated, she didn’t knock.

Several patrons of the restaurant shook their heads disapprovingly as they shoved another bite of Caesar salad down their gullets. “Well now who doesn’t knock? That’s just plain wrong,” said waiter Olga Croutonn. “I mean was she raised by wolves?”

Upon further investigation, it was discovered that Kathy Lupin was in fact raised by wolves. She initially declined to comment because she doesn’t know English, but then agreed with the help of a Wolvish-English translator.

“I didn’t know you had to knock. If one is disrobing, why not lock wood slab [door]?” Lupin said before looking wistfully at the daytime moon. “I apologize but that woman will not survive in these times.”

Despite speaking English, Shelly Koch declined to comment.

Woman who doesn’t lock public bathroom door killed by her own naïveté

By Hannah Lynn

On Monday, tragedy struck as 19-year-old Shelly Koch was killed in an apparent wolf attack in a public bathroom at an Olive Garden restaurant. Investigations are underway by local police and animal to figure out the cause of death as well as how a wild wolf entered unnoticed into an Olive Garden.

Police Officer Willy Wallace believes that Koch left the bathroom door unlocked and is therefore partially responsible. “Look, I’m not saying it’s her fault a wolf attacked her in an Olive Garden, but those locks are there for a reason,” he said.

Clarissa Clearwater, a patron who was in line for the bathroom, witnessed to the incident in its entirety. “It was crazy, the wolf just came out of nowhere and burst into the bathroom!” she said. “And frankly I find it hard to believe that this wolf didn’t see me waiting in line. I still haven’t peed!”

When asked whether she feels sympathy for Koch, Clearwater indicates a similar belief to Wallace. “I knocked because I was not raised in the woods, but what kind of psycho doesn’t lock a public bathroom door?” she said.

The wolf was sedated by animal control but unfortunately it was too late for Koch. Both carcasses have been removed and the bathroom will re-open as soon as possible. Olive Garden requests that female use the restroom across the street at California Pizza Kitchen. Olive Garden also requests that female patrons stop trying to use the intact men’s bathroom because it’s causing too much commotion among customers.