cheese

Wow, great question! We had to contact our expert on car tacos for this one. Since you didn’t provide the specs (number, color, etc.) of your tacos, she just gave us some general guidelines:

Leaving tacos in your car increases the likelihood that your car will be broken into. The breaker will most likely want to steal your tacos, although they’ll say they were just trying to help you.
Leaving tacos in your car for a period of 36 hours or less is generally OK. Be aware that your car may grow rather attached to the tacos (in a non-moldy way) during that time, which may make taco removal difficult. If you must leave tacos in your car, place them in a Tupperware of coconut oil to shield your car from their charms. Nonetheless, do not be alarmed if your car learns Spanish, paints itself tomato red, or retains the scent of limes even after taco removal.
Hard-shell tacos generally do better in cars than soft-shell tacos. Soft-shell tacos, though undoubtedly more delicious, bring more filling and are more sensitive to high-pressure environments such as your car, so they can collapse from strain.
A note on tacos containing cheese: some tacos contain straight cheese, while others contain gay cheese or other cheeses (often collectively called “homosexuals” in discriminatory circles). If you leave a mixture of tacos in your car, it is vital that the group is well-balanced, i.e. a healthy mixture of straight- and other-cheese tacos. Inequality often leads to unrest among tacos.
I do not recommend leaving tacos in your car if they contain any meats, fish, eggs, or dairy (other than cheese). Against everyone’s will, they will grow attached to your car in a moldy way.
Under no circumstances should you leave tacos in your car for more than 36 hours, especially if you intend to eat them afterwards (this action, labelled as repulsive among experts, is known colloquially as “gross”).

Best,

Satire Sal

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By Hannah Lynn

According to several reports, GOP presidential candidate and current Texas senator Ted Cruz eats an entire tub of cottage cheese everyday for breakfast. While initially seen as a simple quirk, it evolved into something more sinister.

Jebidiah Turner, an aide on the Cruz campaign trail, noticed the senator’s habits but didn’t think much of it. “The first time I saw him do it I thought, ‘Man, this guy sure like his cottage cheese! Nothin’ wrong with that. Nothin’ wrong with some [gagging sound] curdled cheese,” Turner said. But as time wore on, it became clear that this was more than just a cute Cruz quirk. “By the ninth time I saw this man slurping that [gagging sound] curd, I knew that there was a deep problem.”

Cottage cheese is a “soft, lumpy white cheese made from the [gagging] curds of slightly soured milk.” It is made by coagulating the milk until it [gag] curdles.

“Can I say that it didn’t nauseate me at first? No I can’t. Of course seeing that saggy-faced loser slurp down lumpy sour cheese horrified me to my core,” said Horace Cartwell, Cruz’s top advisor. “But this is a free country, and the GOP firmly believes in not interfering with individual rights, no matter how offensive they may be.”

According to Turner, Cruz’s wife Heidi has suggested on numerous occasions that her husband ease up on the cottage cheese, because it was taking up too much time and money. However according to Cartwell, they’re in on it together. “Heidi is his biggest, and often only, supporter in all endeavors, including cottage cheese. In fact it’s how they met! I know for a fact that if he loses this election, they’re leaving politics and opening up their own business: Cruz Curds [full on vomiting].”

Remarkably, Ted Cruz could be reached for comment, but when his assistant asked if it was okay if he ate his breakfast during the interview, threw the phone at the wall.