Really Cool Places to Visit Before You Die

By Jess Simpson

  1. 15 Yemen Road, Yemen
  2. The Baltimore Ann Taylor
  3. The ripped backseat of my mom’s Nissan minivan (license plate: FRQ892)
  4. Lord Farquaad’s castle
  5. Allegheny County Jail parking space number 5

  6. The Jonas Brothers’s reunion concert in Madison Square 2023
  7. Vladimir Putin’s 20 backyards
  8. The alley behind Corso St in Rome, Italy
  9. 37.0000000000000000000000001 ° latitude, 54.3578° longitude
  10. The goat farm owned by Cheyanne Neuenschwander’s family in Virginia

Lifestyle 011: Party Ideas

By Megan Klein

 It’s almost the end of the semester, and instead of going out like you said you would last weekend, or the weekend before, or the weekend before that when you continuously drank yourself into a stupor, before you fashioned a kiddie pool for yourself, and proceeded to sit in it all night, claiming it was a “pool party,” then threw all of your ramen in for “wet noodles” while watching Mary Poppins on the laptop you eventually drowned as you flooded your bathroom, much to the dismay of your roommates saying, “Not again, Big Joey,” and “Please change your ring tone to something other than Selena Gomez. It’s embarrassing.” If that’s the case, spice things up a little bit with some alternative party ideas!

  1. Peasant Party- Also known as Proletarians vs. Peasants. Everyone dresses up as realistic characters from the French Revolution, and litter the dirty streets of South Oakland. Play the Les Miserables soundtrack on repeat throughout the night, and drink sewer water! For a rad time, the peasants become imprisoned, and in a drunken stupor everyone shouts the lyrics to “Do You Hear the People Sing.” Rats run amuck, and people bathe in trash before starting upheavals and brawls.
  2. Stanford Prison Experiment- Relive the famous Stanford Prison Experiment. Police officers arrest prisoners in the middle of the night, and in a fun twist, the guards abuse the prisoners into psychological submission to the point where it is no longer an experiment.
  3. Murder Mystery Party- Exactly like Clue, but real! Everyone gets drunk, and has to cover up a murder! Was it James in the bathroom with the cocaine and razor? Or was it Lexi in the living room with the broken alcohol bottle?
  4. Zodiac killer party- Based on the life of Ted Cruz, everyone wears those “hip” 70’s style serial killer glasses so no one has to conceal their true nature any longer. You’re all a bunch of serial killers, and in an impulsive moment find your latest victims while playing some sweet tunes. Playlist can include: “Mr. Sandman”, you know, that classic song everyone gets murdered to in movies, and now real life!
  5. The Most Dangerous Game- A party for sociopaths! Let loose, literally, let your guests loose, as they run around your woods while you chase them for several days. Happy Hunting!

For more fun party ideas and lifestyle tips and tricks, follow the Pittiful News on Twitter @PittifulNews.

Super Senior Justice League Showdown Against Señor Itis

By B. D. Wahlberg

Previously! Our Super Seniors set to squashing superdelegates, saving schoolwork for some Saturday. Papers and projects pile up. Idleness is inviting, and even protesting problematic presenters proves petty. And so, from far fathoms of the Cathedral of Learning, starts a swelling, a tendril trembling through the tunnels! BLARRR BLARRR BLARRR the Super Senior Siren sounds through the Secret Super Senior (and Señiorita) Solitude Sanctum! “Ughhhh five more minutes,” moans The Power Nap, roused from a pleasant siesta. “Future Shock, you answer it. I’m almost to the boss level,” assigns Downward Spiral, focused on beating her personal best time. “Like hell, lol. Easy Mac isn’t goin’ to make itself, ya know. Miss’d Graduation, can you get it?” BLARRR BLARRR BLARRR

“Swear I got it last time. The time it turned out to be a #ProjectPawPrint fundrainer.” “But you’re closest!” BLARR BLAR-WA!WHAMPH Bolt upright and together, “That can’t be good.” Downward tosses her controller and makes a dash for the wall of monitors, slamming the multitude of keys to reveal a number of slimy, pulsating arms breaking their way through the fountain in front of the Cathedral, slamming down on the hedges. “…Maybe it’ll go away if we just ignore it? I’m sure it doesn’t want to wreak any havoc,” yawned Power Nap. Suddenly, the elevator doors to the secret entrance under the Union Panther statue ding! open, revealing…! An older, gray haired lady with warm blue eyes. She pulls her small black backpack on wheels across to the monitors, where she stands, slowly shaking her head. “You pitiful, young fools. How could the Super Senior Justice League forget about its oldest, most dangerous foe?” Turning gravely, the tentacles now knocking students around, she intones, “Señor Itis.”

The BLARRRs become a DUN DUN DUNNN! Future Shock turns off the alarm. “Who’s Señor Itis? How’d you get down here? Who are you?” The lady flashes a mature smile, “They call me Triple L, stands for Life Long Learner, but you can call me Myra. Señor Itis and I were the original Super Seniors. Of course, he went by The Teacher’s Pet back then, could turn into any animal. Alas, TP became obsessed with power, pranking even the most minor of college crooks. Like professors who grade on weird curves. Rather than graduate, he took up residence beneath the campus. I followed suit above, passing the crime fighting to new 5th and 6th years, waiting, watching for the day he’d emerge again. Usually he’s just scattering dead cockroaches, but something’s got Señor Itis inflamed.” Still mulling over this exposition, they watched the tentacles turn to smashing the patio above the fountain, and through the rubble emerges a large man’s torso and mustachioed head. His gooey limbs wipe dirt from his ruffled white shirt and black vest, “Buenos días, Super Seniors! Come out of your cave and take your finals!! JA JA JAA!”
C:\Users\Ben_2\Desktop\Pitt files\Pittiful News, HerCampus, Memes\tentacle fountain.png

The Super Seniors finally spring into action! Downward Spiral slips into her skinniest ripped jeans. Future Shock spikes his hair and puts in slightly larger gauges. A spark of light flashes across Miss’d Graduation most artistic blowout comb. The Power Nap…summons up power from that nap. Together, they step into the elevator, a muzak version of Girl from Ipanema plays, and the doors reopen to reveal the chaos across Bigelow Blvd. One of those split screen stare-downs with speed lines, and MG and DS start the first attack! MG does that whole, tap on the shoulder, uh-oh now I’m over here thing, getting Señor Itis to spin his head around a few times! DS gets the attention of a few tentacles that get all tangled up trying to catch her! As they step back and pant, Señor Itis laughs again, his neck spinning straight and his appendages untangling, beginning to swell more! “Muchas gracias! Keep fighting, si, si!” Future Shock takes his opportunity to freeze time, figure out where Pittsburgh University’s woodshop is, get a really big saw, cut off each protrusion, and stand back to avoid whatever gushes out. Time unfreeze! Out gushes more appendages and the loose ones continue to flop after DS and MG! Power Nap summons up all of that super-charged- ness that only sticks around for 20-25 minutes after a snooze and releases a powerful burst at Señor Itis. But rather than collapse from the shock, the beast gobbles it all down, reaching a gargantuan size! The Super Seniors regroup. “Uhhh! Nothing’s workin’!” wails Future Shock. “He’s just getting more powerful with every attack!” notes Downward. “And I for one am really bothered by the racial and cultural politics of appropriating Spanish/Mexican culture for a pun-named villain,” expresses Gradu. “Si! Have a safe-space discourse about it why don’t you!” laughs Señor Itis again, expanding further. Then, Power Nap gets it. “Wait! It’s not just a pun! It’s the source of his power!” The squad looks blankly. “Senioritis! Don’t you get it, team? He’s growing because we’re focusing on him instead of our work! We have to graduate. We have to move on and leave the school in the capable hands of other students who didn’t make it out of here in the suggested four years!” Glancing around his friends and back at the monster, Future Shock is the first to own up, “But. Well. That’s really scary.” “Of course it is! But we’ve faced Crippling Debt, a Werepanther, nasty landlords, the Market Maggot, the Nth Degree, superdelgates even! And we never backed down. This fight isn’t against Señor Itis! It’s against ourselves! Our own will to let go, move on, and find out what’s on the other side of that cap and gown. And you know what?” Here, PN turns luscious bed head to the giant. “If I have to stay here, one more minute in this institution of higher learning, chances are I’m going to snap.” Señor Itis lets out a wail, the loose tentacles shrinking to slugs. DS: “You’re right! Back to the SSS(S)SS! Lets. Do. Some. Homework.” Hands in, camera spin, and Montage! Triple L provides water, mini- sandwiches, and her years of learning as the Super Seniors complete term papers and tap pencils. All the while, the monitors depict the ever dwindling enemy, moaning and making calls for their attention, to procrastinate even one more moment. Finally! Only a sad, dripping mustache remains and pops back into the fountain hole, as a few brave students foreshadowingly examine the remaining, and obviously superpower inducing, slime. Myra smiles approvingly, “Well, I think I have some things to discuss with an old friend, and it looks like you’ve got some campus repair of which to take care. Make sure to get those $234,000 pieces of paper!” As the senior Super Senior takes her leave, the crew take a long look at one another. Downward Spiral opens up the rabbit hole, “So…I guess this is the end? Will we, like, ever see each other again? Will we keep our powers? How was Major Changer so ready for this last year? I-I- I’m really going to miss you all.” And, without another word, the Super Seniors share a sincere, super embrace. Will the Super Seniors keep in touch after college? Does anyone? Will the new class of Super Seniors share any of the same solidarity of our squad? Or tussle through a term of trials that turns out a torturous villain? Did Future Shock ever eat that Easy Mac? All these questions, but only one succinct: Senior-nara!

“Kayden” Declared Most Popular Name for Toilet Babies

By Holly Stavarski

Every year, expectant mothers await for Social Security Administration and to release their list of “Most Popular Baby Names” in hopes that it will help them in their search for something to call their little bundle of joy. This year the SSA has decided to expand their demographic to those women who do not know that they are expecting.
“Since the dawn of time, there have been women who have carried a baby to full term without knowing that they were pregnant,” said Chairman Art Winney. “Many of them are unprepared and have not spent the appropriate nine months of slaving away at trying to decide what they should name their baby.”
In order to give these mom’s a helping hand, the SSA has collected data from the show “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to come up with a full list of names for babies who were born in the commode.

“The name ‘Kayden’ won by a landslide, but the names ‘Brooklynn’, ‘Uhh… Toothbrush?’, and ‘Plop’ were also fairly popular.”
Though Chairman Winney is unsure if this list will be utilized by new mothers who were caught off guard, stating “They certainly haven’t used the lists we have made in the past.” He is sure that names that have been long debated, like his own name, “Art,” turn out much better.

Most Fuckable Monsters

By Holly Stavarski

Every time you watch a horror movie you wrack your brain trying to answer the age old question, “Would I fuck this monster?” Don’t let this get in your way of enjoying a movie again! I’ve already thought about it for you, and your answer lies here in this comprehensive list of Most Fuckable Monsters.

5.  Ghosts
The ghosts depicted in horror movies are all usually on the Least Fuckable Monsters list because they are always some asshole demon that is out to kill the family that just bought the creepy farmhouse in the woods. But if you’ve never had one yank you out of bed by your ankle in the middle of the night and slam you up against the ceiling then boy oh boy are you not doing it right. Ghosts are the ultimate lovers if you like it rough and terrifying. Though this may not sound like they deserve their spot near the top of this list, then you are forgetting that there is always a possibility that the ghost could be Patrick Swayze and you can reenact that sexy pottery scene from the hit movie “Ghost.”

4. Slenderman
They don’t call him slender for nothing! But don’t let that discourage any of you size queens. He has multiple tentacles that he employs when he is aroused. Imagine the possibilities! If tentacles aren’t your thing, wait until he sucks you into the realm of darkness that is accompanied by the sweet sounds of children’s screams. He will have you squealing with delight!

3. Vampires
When people hear the word ‘vampire’ they think of the sparkly, romanticized version of the creatures that appear in the “Twilight” saga. Unfortunately the tweens that fell in love with Edward Cullen are missing out. Vampires as depicted in old Eastern European folktale are ancient creatures with translucent skin, scraggly unkempt hair, beady black eyes, and long fingernails – a look exponentially sexier than a 25-year-old British actor. If not for their ghoulish appearance, perhaps you may be drawn in by their ability to hypnotize and seduce you into dark, erotic adventures. And what is even more sexy is that they don’t let ‘that time of the month’ get in the way!

2. Frankenstein
The idea of multiple reanimated corpses mashed together to form one body is unappealing to some people, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The clumsiness of foreign parts that don’t belong to that brain will give you varying feelings of pleasure and will always leave you guessing what’s next. Not to mention that those cold limbs are coursing with enough electricity to leave a tingle up your spine.

1. Slimer

I know what some of you may be thinking, “Isn’t that the mischievous ghost from the Ghostbusters series and wouldn’t that mean he should be categorized with the other ghosts?” Yes, but you’re wrong. Slimer is not a ghost, he is a sex GOD. If you have seen him going to town on any food that is left laying around then you know how well he is going to ravage that pussy/bussy. And not to be too technical, but Slimer is made of pure ectoplasm, so he is always wet and ready to go.

Teen Listens to Real Music, Urges Others to Do the Same

By I.S. Mills

Scott Cordero, of Lawrenceville, doesn’t use his car radio.

“I don’t even let my friends put the radio on when I’m in their cars, because it hurts my ears so bad,” he says.

The teen can’t stand to hear Adele or Taylor Swift. He’s not a fan of Imagine Dragons or Katy Perry either.  

“Actually, I mean, Imagine Dragons has one or two good songs. Because they’re an actual band with like, drums and bass and everything,” Cordero amends.

He doesn’t spend much time with his mother or sister, who enjoy pop music. He claims that pop music is making his 16-year-old sister “crazy” and “stupider than she already is”.

Cordero’s favorite bands include Led Zeppelin and Pearl Jam. He is also a fan of
AC/DC, the Rolling Stones (“Obviously,” he says,) and Aerosmith. Cordero says he often feels isolated because of his music preferences.

“All of the idiots at school listen to nothing but Rihanna. Me and the guys listen to real music. That’s what makes us unique. Nobody has ever heard of what we listen to. Except Mr. DeBrolie, he’s really cool. He has a Styx poster in his room,” explains Cordero.
Scott Cordero is a member of his middle school’s rock ensemble, in which he plays tenor saxophone. On the weekends, he helps his dad fix cars while listening to Q94 on the radio. His greatest wish, apart from skateboarding in the Grand Canyon, is for everyone to understand his love for what he calls “real music”.

“Like my dad says sometimes, they don’t make ‘em like they used to. It’s just sad that nobody knows about any of these bands because I feel like they could’ve been really popular if people appreciated good music. But everyone only has ever liked pop. Everyone in my dad’s generation probably just listened to the One Direction of 1965, whatever that was. It’s just like, duh, listen to the Beatles or something instead! Have some culture for once.”