Washington D.C. was truly shaken this morning when an anonymous tip sent to the Capitol indicated that a network of Americans known as “Voters” has threatened to learn their congressional district numbers as well as their congressmen’s names. While the Pentagon has yet to evaluate the threat’s credibility, the greater DC area is on high alert staffing all federal buildings with agents prepared to deal with such dangerous circumstance. “Be warned,” declared President Obama, “These guards are full-ready to show you episodes of ‘Boy Meets World’ until you forget all this budget stuff happened. I mean, c’mon. Voting… more like BOR-ING! Topanga smooches Corey even though he’s got that frizzy hair? Who could possibly turn that down!”
The Department of Homeland Security issued a statement promising that any citizen caught Googling their congressional district number will be immediately interrogated on questions ranging from “Does the FED stand for ‘Funky Elephant Dance’?” to “So, what do you think of this President Boehner?” in order to assess whether the suspect is plotting to vote. If the Department has reasonable suspicion that you are intending to fulfill your civic duty, they will have you sent to an isolated sandbar off the coast of Michigan known as Canada where it is rumored that a tribe of nomads known as “Canadians” elect their own government and engage in toothless ice sport.
However, the Homeland Security statements have deterred few as protesters lined 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue urging Congress to come out and face them despite being at the wrong address. “It’s about damn time!” shouted one member of this rebel group while clutching a sign that read “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! IMPEACH THAT ONE GUY WITH THE GLASSES – OR MAYBE NOT GLASSES WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS… OH GOD, YOU KNOW WHO I’M THINKING OF? PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN. ANYWAY, IMPEACH THIS CONGRESS A*SHAT WHO REPRESENTS ME!”
A powerful demand from a powerful figure.