Enraged Americans Threaten to Look Up Their Congressional District Numbers, Congressmen’s Names

Washington D.C. was truly shaken this morning when an anonymous tip sent to the Capitol indicated that a network of Americans known as “Voters” has threatened to learn their congressional district numbers as well as their congressmen’s names. While the Pentagon has yet to evaluate the threat’s credibility, the greater DC area is on high alert staffing all federal buildings with agents prepared to deal with such dangerous circumstance. “Be warned,” declared President Obama, “These guards are full-ready to show you episodes of ‘Boy Meets World’ until you forget all this budget stuff happened. I mean, c’mon. Voting… more like BOR-ING! Topanga smooches Corey even though he’s got that frizzy hair? Who could possibly turn that down!”

The Department of Homeland Security issued a statement promising that any citizen caught Googling their congressional district number will be immediately interrogated on questions ranging from “Does the FED stand for ‘Funky Elephant Dance’?” to “So, what do you think of this President Boehner?” in order to assess whether the suspect is plotting to vote. If the Department has reasonable suspicion that you are intending to fulfill your civic duty, they will have you sent to an isolated sandbar off the coast of Michigan known as Canada where it is rumored that a tribe of nomads known as “Canadians” elect their own government and engage in toothless ice sport.

However, the Homeland Security statements have deterred few as protesters lined 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue urging Congress to come out and face them despite being at the wrong address. “It’s about damn time!” shouted one member of this rebel group while clutching a sign that read “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! IMPEACH THAT ONE GUY WITH THE GLASSES – OR MAYBE NOT GLASSES WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS… OH GOD, YOU KNOW WHO I’M THINKING OF? PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN. ANYWAY, IMPEACH THIS CONGRESS A*SHAT WHO REPRESENTS ME!”

A powerful demand from a powerful figure.

Speaker Boehner Says He Won’t Compromise Because His Wee-Wee Hurts

“Owie”, winced Speaker John Boehner as he took the podium at last night’s press conference regarding stalled budget talks. The Speaker was visibly shaken, hunched over the teleprompter shifting his weight from one leg to the other occasionally jumping for three-or-four second intervals. The Ohio Representative paused for a moment to collect himself and let out a loud grunt before approaching the microphone.

Speaker Boehner began the conference announcing, “No debt deal. My pee-pee hurts”, in an adorable but unprofessional manner that ultimately brought up more questions than answers for the American public desperately seeking a fiscal compromise. A flurry of questions followed from The Washington Post and The Chicago Tribune asking “Does the wee-wee make icky icky?” and “Would kissy make the uh-oh all better?” respectively. Speaker Boehner declined to comment and retreated from the stage in a blushing frenzy instead opting for his press agent to take on the journalists’ queries.

The Speaker’s press agent detailed Boehner’s position as follows: “The Speaker, John Boehner, has made it clear to the American that the GOP will not give in to the Democrats’ party-pandering anymore and that his oopsie-doopsie hurts so bad he needs teddy. Speaker Boehner will not allow the President to continue his crusade against the private sector and the icy no help, his pee-pee hole make burny.”

Satisfied, many members of the press left the conference except for one determined BBC reporter who demanded the Speaker himself give an answer as to why the Republican Party refuses to reevaluate the defense budget and when John Boehner’s stinky-tinkle will be okie-dokie.

Anarchists fail to plan party for government shutdown

For anarchists across America, the recent government shutdown over health care legislation is a dream come true. “For once, I don’t have The Man breathing down my neck. I never asked to be protected from asteroids! ” said a local graffiti artist who declined to be named.

Yet despite their best efforts, Pittsburgh anarchists have been unable to organize any sort of event celebrating the crippling of authority from within.

Attempts began shortly after the news broke at midnight of October 1. “When the CNN countdown clock reached zero, well I mean I assume it did, the media is evil and wants to manipulate us all! Why am I talking to you!” said a local Subway employee who ran off before giving his name. However, it was quickly remembered that every anarchist had recently destroyed their phone to escape the clutches of the NSA, making the organization of a spontaneous party impossible.

Some headway was made the next day by Pitt freshman Alex Berkman, who managed to set up a time and place for a shutdown party. But it wasn’t to be. “As soon as I tried to tell people when and where to be, they told me I had no authority over their actions as individual entities,” said Berkman. “I suppose it was immoral of me to even try.”

More success was found by the Pittsburgh branch of the Libertarian Party, who managed to put together a shutdown potluck. “Once everyone was there, it was clear that no one was going to share the dish they brought,” said chapter leader Ayn Paul. “I suppose that’s just rational self-interest.”

With no end in sight for the shutdown in Washington, there is still hope for an anarchist celebration. “Last I heard, the anarcho-communists were working on something,” said Berkman. “But no one wants to be responsible for it.”

Pittsburgh voted city with the most “meh” weather

Earlier this month, Pittsburgh was voted “City with the most ‘meh’ weather” by US Airways’ in-flight magazine. Pittsburgh ranked number one on the list, just surpassing Toledo, Ohio.
Editor-in-chief Boris Clump says the criteria included how aggressively people discussed the weather. He explained that since there is neither a huge amount of complaining or praising of the weather, Pittsburgh seemed “okay enough” for number one. 

“I mean I guess the weather’s alright here,” said local resident Steely McSteelface “It’s not too bad in the summer when the Pirates are winning, in the fall you just need a light Steelers jersey. The winter gets snowy but I don’t pay it much mind because it’s hockey season, it just kind of sits there and does it’s thing. Do I get a free plane ticket out of this?” 
Clump added, “If you go farther south, it’s real hot and sticky and they’ve got gators and whatnot. If you go north they have igloos and avalanches and stuff. But in Pittsburgh, it’s real average.”
The prize includes a free copy of the in-flight magazine for every resident of the city as well as recalled peanut packages from 2011.
No one in Toledo could be reached for comment. There is speculation they are boycotting Pittsburgh.

Ethnicity spreading among students

The Pittsburgh University Student Health Center has released a warning to its student body about the dangerous increase in ethnicity on campus. According to the most recent reports, it’s possible that up to 22 percent of the population could be living with some form of ethnicness.

According to the report, symptoms of ethicness could be any of the following: a surreal ability to dance, a constant urge to study, or being the token ethnic friend in a group of overwhelmingly white people.
Above: Students lounging in their dormitory, completely unaware of who could be ethnic. To check for ethnicness, visit the Student Health Center.

The Pittsburgh University Student Health Center has released a warning to its student body about the dangerous increase in ethnicity on campus. According to the most recent reports, it’s possible that up to 22 percent of the population could be living with some form of ethnicness.

According to the report, symptoms of ethicness could be any of the following: a surreal ability to dance, a constant urge to study, or being the token ethnic friend in a group of overwhelmingly white people.

Health officials warn students that ethnic people should stick together in groups in order to avoid infecting the non-ethnics.

“The ethnicity virus is spreading across campus,” said Stacy Kilmer, member of the Coincidentally All Non-Ethnic Sorority. “I just can’t believe how many guys nowadays are into ethnic girls. It’s sad, really.”

John Smith is a Pitt U student and former ethnicity victim. “I never realized what I was until someone pointed out that I exhibited all the symptoms. It could happen to anyone.”

Unfortunately, the Pittsburgh University is not the first school to suffer from an influx of ethnic students. Many schools are instituting programs that give special treatment to ethnic students in order to accommodate the disability.

“They shouldn’t get any special treatment,” said Steve Whitehead, local pure-bred white person. “My family has been clean and ethnic-free for generations, and that doesn’t mean that we should be treated differently than victims of ethnicity.”

As more specific numbers as to how many students may or may not be ethnic are clarified, many students are taking steps towards solving the issue in their own way. The Pitt U Non-Ethnic Student Association campaigns for non-ethnic awareness and hold events that protest ethnic activities such as learning Spanish or mild forms of racial tolerance. They even hold rallies against twerking, a modern dance form commonly known to repel non-ethnics for unknown reasons.

“We’re just trying to stay away from all things ratchet and ethnic,” explains President of the NESA Bryce Thomas. “This so-called ‘diversity’ is sickening and a poison in our community.”

Man Still Pooping when Bathroom’s Motion Sensor Lights Turn Off Comes to Terms with Being the Loneliest Man in the World

Alone and smelly, local man, Ronald Abraham, says he has finally accepted the universe’s role for him as “Most isolated organism in the cosmos” after the bathroom motion sensor lights went off on him mid-poop. “I’m just not sure where to go from here,” says Abraham as a small turd plops into the bowl creating an echo like whimpering pebbles in an abandoned quarry. “I’ve tried waving my arms around in the dark – in this pitch-black, Clorox-y chasm – only to realize it is indeed hopeless. So far, the only response I’ve received from man or machine is the automatic flusher spraying my behind two or three times as I adjust my posture. The flushes feel like spits of venom from the fabled basilisk inside his silent pit.”

To be honest, our ‘Pittiful News’ correspondent on-scene was starting to get a little lonely himself during the interview. Our correspondent remarked that just before he got up to leave the bathroom, he could hear Abraham begin to contemplate the isolated human condition as a whole eventually breaking a silence by screaming “There is no God! Will my ceaseless toils end in thine deafened defecation. Awaken ye fluorescent orbs!“ The lights then turned on as a janitor entered the bathroom just to tell Abraham to, quote, “Quiet down ya damn poop kid!”

Local Vegan Wearing Leather Boots

Petrucia Bower was spotted last Saturday walking around campus in a shiny new pair of Doc Martens. Bower, known for her activism as the campus representative for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, PETA, caused major uproar around campus.
Tracie Harris, fellow PETA advocate but only a vegetarian says, “I looked up to Petrucia. She was my idol. I can’t believe this is happening. Everything I have ever known about animal rights is now altered, changed, destroyed, dismantled, and worst of all, kerfuffled. I went home and ate a hamburger after I saw her.”

PETA is against animal domestication, use of animals in fashion, human consumption of meat products and meat production in bulk including, but not limited to, bodybuilding to get mad jacked. The use of leather to make stylish boots severely opposes PETA values. They should therefore not be worn by representatives of the non-profit. PETA has taken away Bowers title and is continuing to not pay her.

PETA says, “Bower disrespected us and is no longer a part of our cult. We will carry on without her. We don’t want hypocrites around us, anyway!” Spotted in the street, we asked Bower for comment. She expressed little sympathy, offering only, “I look good, bitch.”

Mustachioed Putin trying out new looks

In what may be the fashion development of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin has been recently spotted sporting mustaches worthy of the world’s cruelest and most powerful leaders.
Hair first started to appear on Putin’s upper lip following the passage of a bill banning “gay propaganda,” which prohibits the distribution of information about homosexuality. Russian fashion expert Katinka Ingabogovinanana believes that this was to avoid a major faux-pas.

“There are two rules of fashion that everyone knows,” said Ingabogovinanana. “Never wear socks with sandals, and you cannot perform the systematic abuse of a minority population without a stunning mustache.”

So far, photographs show Putin sticking to the classics. Last month he was seen with the “mein stache”, popularized by aspiring-model-turned-dictator Adolf Hitler. However, more recently Putin has taken on a more genuinely Russian flair. Paparazzi caught a photo of Putin with the “pushbroom of the Gulags” first worn by Joseph Stalin.

While opinions in the fashion world are mixed, there’s one thing everyone will agree on: Putin must choose a look before the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics. “Whatever mustache he’s wearing then will forever live in infamy,” said Ingabogovinanana.

Obama Breaks from Prepared Notes to Assure Brent James that the NSA is not Spying on Him

In a recent speech to the ACLU, President Obama took a moment to break from the teleprompter to specifically assure Allstate associate and, quote, “perfectly upstanding citizen, Brent James, of beautiful 3997 West Cedar Hills Drive, Cedar Hills, Utah – right down the street from ol’ 40° 24’36″N 111° 45’27”W”, that the government is not spying on him.

Obama remarked, “It’s okay, Brent. No spooky government agency is watching your online activity or constantly monitoring your rotary phone line. I’m pretty sure most members of the NSA don’t even know how to insert a chip into that geezer you call a phone. Honestly, who still uses a rotary phone? Ha, when was that thing made anyway? March 18th, 1977 by Assembly Worker #28 at Bell Lab Corp.’s San Jose Branch? What a hoot.”
President Obama said he wanted to extend an apology to Brent James who, quote, “Owns a cute dog licensed at Cedar Hills city office under the adorable ID# three-six-niner-niner so you know he’s a good caregiver – and is consistently three minutes late to work so he can rock out to the bridge on ‘Carry on My Wayward Son’ on his SONY model 4.1K CD player broadcasting at 4.111 Hz access code Delta, Delta, Bravo, Charlie for all stored in-car frequencies so you know he’s a solid partier”, for giving him that nasty Big Brother impression.
In an effort to ease Brent James’s concern, President Obama said “I’d be glad to – no wait, don’t turn off your webcam. I want to look you in the eyes so you know I’m honest. Back to what I was saying. I’d be glad to take you, Brent James, son of Rick and Tonnie James, out for your favorite late night snack of Oreos and peanut butter that you always sneak downstairs to get when your wife falls asleep at 2314 Zulu. We’ll make this all better.”