THIS IS A TEST

Your life is full of tests: science, math, your mom adding you on Snapchat. But this. This is a test from us the, Pittiful News. Read at your own risk because much like the SAT’s, this test determines your worth as a person. Fare thee well, and let the aforementioned examination commence.

Forbes Gyro Opens Suicide Hotline

By Phil Forrence

As her manager berated her for not being pretty enough to work the register, Tiffany Albright realized that fewer and fewer patrons had been visiting the once frequented venue. Forbes Gyro’s traditional customer base, nightly-sauced-frat-bros and daily-Chipotle-line-spillover, had dwindled over the previous few months. With the economy in the toilet and Forbes Gyro’s recent gruesome streak of clogged toilets, she concluded that if the difficult-to-pronounce restaurant was going to survive, it needed a new business angle and she would provide it.

“Hello this is Forbes Gyro, where our cheese expires before you do!” The new phone greetings show how they are creating this angle. “Hello this is Forbes Gyro, home of the repeat customer, hopefully!” Each patron is offered 15 seconds free on the new Forbes Gyro Suicide Hotline with the purchase of any entrée. The Hotline charges $3.00 a minute or $7.00 for every two minutes to help recent patrons off the ledge. The results have been astounding.

“The suicide hotline has saved my business,” raves Mario Mocha, owner of the “Greek” establishment. “My profits have spiked to positive numbers. Sometimes we get multiple calls from one person per night.” He continues, “They originally call to order food, but once they’ve tried our signature sauce made with ingredient they can’t help but call back later for our other services.”

Tiffany sees this as a big step in her career. “Even though I came up with this business-saving idea, my boss still won’t stop treating me like a second class human.” She builds, “The gyro won’t always be here, ya know? Something might happen to it.” The lights dim. “One day an employee might forget to turn off the burners and there might be a spark due to an electrical malfunction she caused and what-do-ya-know the almighty Forbes Gyro is bursting into glorious grease-fueled-flames. Then he’ll see. Then they’ll ALL SEE.”

Forbes Gyro has sailed through the month of September and looks to add on its success next quarter when they introduce their new line of sex toys. “You’ve tried us in one hole, now why not another? Forbes Gyro!”

Towers Students Set Out To Disprove Inferiority

By Milo Davis

PITTSBURGH, PA—It’s quite apparent that Pitt makes it a point to provide its students with a wealth of fun activities and amenities to help engage new students and to help them make the transition from living at home to dorm life. Unfortunately, the majority of these luxuries are only provided to a select few living in Nordenberg, whilst other freshman dorms are left out.

A few weeks ago, a group of freshmen living in Tower A decided to take the already first-rate experience of living in Towers to new heights by filling an inflatable pool with water in their hallway in front of the elevators. One of the students involved was quoted as saying “Fuck you Nordenberg, do you have a pool? Cause we have a pool.”

Not to be outdone, a group of Tower B denizens responded by setting up their own pool on their floor, complete with beach sand, a volleyball net, and even a bonfire. Even though it was BYOB, the resulting beach party was an epic event with great music and s’mores. When asked what inspired them to throw such a rager in Towers, Ethan Tomlinson of Tower B stated “We weren’t really aiming to one up Tower A, we just wanted to show that we’re better than Nordenberg, because fuck them.”

The RAs were none too pleased about these negligent and potentially destructive antics, but all of them agreed to let it pass because “At least it’s better than anything those assholes over in Nordenberg have, seriously fuck those guys”.

Proposed future recreations to show up Nordenberg include the installation of a motorbike circuit, an ice skating rink, and a disco dancefloor.

Wanted: Dinosaur Fashion Intern

By Jessica Star

Carnegie Museum of Natural History has announced a new semester-long internship program called the Dippy Design Team. Four interns will be in charge of dressing Dippy, our favorite neighborhood diplodocus statue. Mandatory training includes attendance at the annual Dinosaur Fashion Week in Wyoming, where dinosaur designers from all over the world will congregate to put on Jurassic fashion shows.

Dippy has expressed excitement regarding this wardrobe upgrade. When asked about the new program, she responded, “RAAAAA WAAAA TRAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAA.” Louisa Tremont, Carnegie Museum’s resident diplodocus translator, deciphered these utterances as, “Finally, somebody noticed that I’m not an uncultured swine. Logos of the Steelers and local colleges are so boring. I want more. I want Dior, Chanel, Jimmy Choo, Bioré, Camembert, Eau de Toilette, Dijon Mustard. Get me Elizabeth James, that character in The Parent Trap (1998) who designs wedding dresses.” After returning from Dinosaur Fashion Week, the interns will report back to Dippy with drawings of outfits before getting to work on cutting and stitching their material. Dippy will have the final say in what she wears and is not afraid to use her veto power. Applications are now open for the spring internship. Qualified applicants should have a strong sense of current fashion trends, written and oral communication skills, as well as a working knowledge of Microsoft Office, QuickBooks, and Kid Pix Deluxe 3. Applicants who have a taste for sardines are preferred. Must be able to use a ladder. Interns will be compensated in library cards that work at all of the 19 branches of the Carnegie Library. Those who are interested in applying should send their résumés to pittifulnews@gmail.com.

David Lawrence Hall Renovations Actually Incredible, What a Good Use of My Tuition Money, Golly Gee, Thanks Pitt

 By B.D. Wahlberg

PITTSBURGH, PA- In a surprise twist, Pitt embarked on another more than 7 million dollar project and it turned out freakin’ sweet. (I’m looking at you elevator “modernization.”) This semester Pitt revealed the newly remodeled David Lawrence Hall, and like hot damn these are some swell classrooms. I mean, we got that new lobby last year, but they had walls up around the auditorium. Not like that stopped us from snooping and getting this EXCLUSIVE FRUGGIN PICTURE (see left) of the construction. I know, A++ investigative journalism right there. 

First day of school, Pittiful News burst into maybe a CogPsy lecture to gaze in wonder at a project that could not be easily labeled a gargantuan waste of tuition money. We asked students their thoughts. “I wasn’t here before this, but I guess it’s cool. The chair spins,” said Pitt-Hat Kid who clearly didn’t know what a miracle they were sitting in. “Hey, I’m trying to listen to the grading policy,” said this non-socially conscious dork. “I’ll give you a quote; then, for the love of Freud, get out of my lecture. The renovations are [dope shit, yo].” said teacher, we guess.

Due to this once-in-an-undergraduate-career of a remolding that not only finished, but did not instill a deep resentment for the use of funds, and an even deeper nostalgia for something changing that did not need to be fixed, The Pittiful News has made the following offer at its recent press conference: “Pittsburgh University has received two passes on whatever screw-ups it has planned for this year. Or is that screws-up? Screws-ups? Irregardless, we implore P.U. not to blow them on renovating Gallagator’s Lizard Den or a building a luxury falcon nest on top of Cathy. They could, however, use them on something important such as excusing the actions of That Creepy 10A Bus Driver or lacking accommodations for transgender students. Let us know when you’ve done goofed and we’ll do our best to remember the impeccable job on David Lawrence Hall. Go Forest Cats!”
 

Area Mans Use of Acronyms Becoming Detrimental

By Will Connor

PITTSBURGH, PA – Squirrel Hill resident Don Cronim’s habit of creating acronyms for insignificant parts of life is beginning to really bother his neighbors. Although he claims to be a very friendly his neighbors attest, “It’s just impossible to understand him anymore. When he comes up to you and says ‘HYDG?’ you just have no idea what he’s trying to say.” Some of them are genuinely concerned for his well being. Another resident says that she is “very worried about his mental health” and “doesn’t think he won’t be able to get a job to sustain himself.”

Don’s reaction to these comments is one of genuine concern. “I JWS that I like their outfit, or tell them how much I LTBW!” he told The Pittiful News. “But when TDU what you wanna say, you feel like a WUHB and just DSTP.”

Don started using acronyms in high school, where he was able to carve out a niche for himself as being “hip” and “ahead of the game.” He continued to use them in college, proving to be quite a character in his fraternity (which he called “a perfect fit because of the natural acronym”). Unfortunately for him, acronyms never caught on, but he couldn’t bring himself to quit his habit. “Acronyms CTMN and I CNSU them,” he says. Now 32 years old, Don has trouble making connections due to his frequent use of acronyms. “IARS,” he sighs.

At press time, Don was reportedly TSMT by going to the nearest Italian restaurant for a quiet dinner before WLOTV.

Science Fair Terrorized by Islamic State

By Grant Wicklem

BOWMAN, SC – A rural South Carolina town has reportedly arrested twelve-year-old Abdul-Kareem Mohammad after a disastrous science fair outing.

Mohammad was detained after school authorities deemed his model volcano to be suspicious.

Upon inspection, a white, powder-like substance was discovered, initially thought to be some sort of explosive or crack-cocaine. It was later determined to be baking soda, one of the reactants, along with vinegar, in a typical model volcano.

“It appeared to be a sort of terroristic device, possibly used to melt the school,” said one unnamed school official. “In the moment, we had to act and we had to act quickly.”

And that they did. In mere minutes, the school was surrounded by the local police department, Bomb Squad, and National Guard. Mohammad was promptly handcuffed and whisked away from a crowd of shocked parents and students.

“It’s sickening to think we were that close to an attempted act of terror,” said one concerned mother. “When will we stop having to live in constant fear of Islamic terror?”

But the minor disruption did not spoil the rest of the evening. The science fair continued and a winner was eventually declared. Sixth grader Chad Smith took home the blue ribbon for his resourceful enhancements upon the classic Red Ryder BB Gun, allowing for better accuracy and increased firepower.

Mohammad was unavailable for comment.

Man Bite Dog Hard, Not Dead

By Ilya Yashin

Cops: “Man bit dog hard, fast, last night at 10.” Blood, yowl, seen, heard ‘round town. Man, dog not dead, much pain in skin, flesh, bone. That night: first since day.

“That dog, mad dog got bit by man, hard, fast, sharp teeth” said court man, law man, white man, black man, red man, straight man, gay man, right man, wrong man. “Law says bad dog, wrong dog to get so bit by man hard, fast, not dead but so much pain.”

Judge to think hard next week how to set man free, blame dog, said judge, cop, man, his mom, his dad, his son, his dog, his wife, her mom, her dad, her son, her cat, said town, said bridge, said street, said bench.

Dog barks no words, dog said, cried. Dog not heard by man, girl, boy, judge, priest, nurse, two men, five men, ten men.  

Man to write words, book, go on screen. Man: “It’s bunk. Dog bit dog. I will write words, book, go on screen.” Wild cat, fat cat, mad bird, sane snake, one hut, two farms, small town, huge town: “Man, I will read your words, book, watch you on screen—how you bite dog hard, fast, white teeth, not dead!”

Next week court to bite dog dead.

200 Word Reviews: Movies, Pretty Good

By Tom Harnett

Movies are a tough thing to review because it seems like there are so many different kinds, but I’ll do my best.  The average movie lasts about an hour and a half and stars Nicolas Cage.  He is a really talented guy, let me tell you.  Half the time I don’t know what he’s going to do next!  One second he is climbing Mount Rushmore, next he’s singing Opera.  It’s a bold claim to make but Cage may be one of the most multitalented humans of all time.

Anyway, back to movies.  If you haven’t seen movies, you should probably give them a watch!  People like them for all different reasons, some think they are scary, some think they are dramatic, and others think they are funny.  I have actually heard people laughing at movies before!  Then other times, I’ve heard people screaming at movies too!  

Overall, I think that movies are pretty good.  My only qualm with them, and it is a small one, is that they are sometimes loud.  The sound is really threatening sometimes and it gave me indigestion on more than 2 occasions.  For a final score, I give movies a 4 thumbs out of 5.

Sports Cars, Sexy Strangers, Mirth Linked to Asking Your Doctor about Prescription Drug

By Ilya Yashin

A study published this week in the American Journal of Medicine shows that asking your doctor about a prescription drug leads to a dramatic increase in sexy members of your preferred gender, expensive cars, spending all day outdoors and/or with your happy family, and overall mirth.

“We found that asking their doctor about a prescription drug bumps everybody a few steps up the socioeconomic ladder and they end up laughing in the company of their loved ones in a variety of picturesque upscale settings,” said lead researcher Brandon Smith. At the end of the study many participants drove off into the sunset in sports cars or sat holding hands in rocking chairs on the porch of a house they would never be able to afford.

Smith emphasized that the effect occurred regardless of the type of drug, the participant’s diagnosis, and even of whether there was a diagnosis at all.

“Participants also reported a monotone voice rattling off a list of side effects for about one-fifth of each idyllic day of never-ending vacation and hot chicks,” Smith said.

“This research is impeccable,” said Susan Bdom-pom, director of Pharmaceutical Manufacturers of America, who was not involved in the study but funded it and gave the researchers cash bonuses. 

Basking in tropical-island paradise, everyone who has ever asked their doctor about a prescription drug was unavailable for a comment.

In related news, choosing a product of this brand over an identical competitor has been conclusively shown to cause smiling.