David Lawrence Hall Renovations Actually Incredible, What a Good Use of My Tuition Money, Golly Gee, Thanks Pitt

 By B.D. Wahlberg

PITTSBURGH, PA- In a surprise twist, Pitt embarked on another more than 7 million dollar project and it turned out freakin’ sweet. (I’m looking at you elevator “modernization.”) This semester Pitt revealed the newly remodeled David Lawrence Hall, and like hot damn these are some swell classrooms. I mean, we got that new lobby last year, but they had walls up around the auditorium. Not like that stopped us from snooping and getting this EXCLUSIVE FRUGGIN PICTURE (see left) of the construction. I know, A++ investigative journalism right there. 

First day of school, Pittiful News burst into maybe a CogPsy lecture to gaze in wonder at a project that could not be easily labeled a gargantuan waste of tuition money. We asked students their thoughts. “I wasn’t here before this, but I guess it’s cool. The chair spins,” said Pitt-Hat Kid who clearly didn’t know what a miracle they were sitting in. “Hey, I’m trying to listen to the grading policy,” said this non-socially conscious dork. “I’ll give you a quote; then, for the love of Freud, get out of my lecture. The renovations are [dope shit, yo].” said teacher, we guess.

Due to this once-in-an-undergraduate-career of a remolding that not only finished, but did not instill a deep resentment for the use of funds, and an even deeper nostalgia for something changing that did not need to be fixed, The Pittiful News has made the following offer at its recent press conference: “Pittsburgh University has received two passes on whatever screw-ups it has planned for this year. Or is that screws-up? Screws-ups? Irregardless, we implore P.U. not to blow them on renovating Gallagator’s Lizard Den or a building a luxury falcon nest on top of Cathy. They could, however, use them on something important such as excusing the actions of That Creepy 10A Bus Driver or lacking accommodations for transgender students. Let us know when you’ve done goofed and we’ll do our best to remember the impeccable job on David Lawrence Hall. Go Forest Cats!”

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