Local Cop Suspended Amid Sex Scandal

By Tom Harnett

Details are still scattered about the story, but as far as we can tell a local South Oakland police officer has been suspended as rumors of a sex scandal broke late last night.  Agent Frisky is stout, with a mane of brown hair that women find hard to keep their eyes off.  

Frisky has declined to speak, but his partner had a couple thoughts. “I feel so bad for him,” Said Officer Doogan. “I had really been on his back a lot recently, I guess the stress of the job has a breaking point. Regardless, there is no excuse for this kind of horseplay.”

Rumors began surfacing after a photo emerged last week, but grew stronger as time went on.  Agent Frisky’s Lawyer, Glenn Glutenberg, released a statement, “Agent Frisky should not be held responsible for what he does in the privacy of his own stable,” He said. “And the pressures of mating season have been weighing heavy on him, I don’t know how you can blame the stallion for his natural behavior.”

Agent Frisky was sired by Alaska Question, who was 0-17 in various Derbies and put down by the age of 2. 

Domino’s now let’s customers order food by sending an emoji

By Hannah Lynn 

In an unsurprising turn of millennial events, Domino’s now let’s customer order food by simply sending a pizza emoji via text message. While I have literally dozens of questions regarding the logistics of this, I have even more ideas for other ways to use this emoji innovation.

-Order a prostitute by sending an eggplant
-Bet on horses by sending a jockey
-Request janitorial assistance by sending the little poop
-Hire a hitman by sending gun
-Order whale meat by sending whale
-Get drugs from dealer by sending pill
-Get other drugs from other dealer by sending leaf
-Make a vasectomy appointment by sending knife + cherries
-Summon Lucifer by sending the devil

The Inside Scoop: Pittiful News Meeting Notes

By Will Connor

It has come to my attention that some people do not, in fact, attend Pittiful News meetings. What a tragedy! I can hardly imagine how these people live! But I have decided that, as is my duty as a journalist, I will chronicle the goings-on of this great news establishment on the nights of Monday and Thursday.

• I arrive at 8:55. Pretty empty tonight. We discuss our lives.
• Holly arrived at precisely 9:00. The meeting began at 9:01 with one of the new members pitching an article about the elevators. It was a pretty funny concept, actually!
• Oh hey, Cassandra has an apple.
• Hannah doesn’t have any pitches today.
• You know, I haven’t had an apple in a really long time…
• Ben reads an article about sport. Not sports, sport. And about the Pitt News.
• Good idea for the picture: an artist’s rendition of “the photo” they use!
• God, I wish I had an apple.
• She’s eating it now.
• I haven’t been able to bite into an apple in two years. It’s been so long.
• I can hear the crunch and the flow of the juices coming from that sweet, sweet fruit. I crave an apple of my own.
• Oh, me? Nah sorry guys, nothing today. When are articles due? Thursday? Okay, cool.
• My God, I need an apple so bad right now.
• You see, dear reader, two years ago, I broke one of my front teeth, and since then I haven’t been able to bite into an apple.
• What sort of cruel world must I live in where I cannot partake in the joy of an apple? What is life without this terrific fruit?
• We’re discussing someone else’s pitch. I guess it wasn’t too great, but people are starting to laugh a bit, so it’s going somewhere.
• Oh hey, that is a cool idea! Nice one, Phil!
• You know, the back of my iPhone has that little apple logo on it… Makes me want an apple even more…
• Fuck it, I’m eating my phone.
• This doesn’t taste very good.
• Why is everyone looking at me? …they noticed, didn’t they? I don’t feel so good.

And that’s all for this meeting! Come back next month for more of the inside scoop!

The writer of this article cannot currently be contacted electronically. He can be reached in person at UPMC in the emergency ward being treated for mercury poisoning and consumption of an electronic device.

Wake Up Call: Powerball Pushing Conservative Agenda

By: Tom Harnett

Let me start this article by saying that I am merely a messenger.  But who is to say that this messenger isn’t furious?  Because I am furious; I’m furious with the government, I’m furious with the patriarchy, I’m furious with Barack Obama for letting it all slide.  He’s sitting up there, in his modern Parthenon, eating grapes and drinking wine while his people are being oppressed.  Where is my olive branch, Barack?

I am about to unleash a statistic upon you that will shatter every prior notion that you had of racism in the United States.  In the last 20 years, White Americans have won the lottery 75 percent of the time.  I repeat, 75 percent.  Basically, out of every 100 lotteries, white people win about 75.  The real tragedy are the rest of the statistics:  African Americans win about 10 percent of the time, Chinese Americans win about 11.04 percent of the time and, perhaps most heinous of all, Native Americans win only .06 percent of the time.  Let me speak for my Native American friends and ask, é Tu Bruté?

The numbers are appalling.  I don’t want to be “that guy”, but POWERBALL IS PUSHING A CONSERVATIVE AGENDA ON THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.  As a White Caucasian male it is my duty to post these numbers on Facebook as much as possible, please help spread the word and raise awareness about Powerball while you have the chance.   I am willing to accept any Powerball tickets bought prior to your reading of this article for safe keeping.

Dead, Racially Ambiguous, Orphan Wins The Voice on Backstory Alone

By Critter Fink

A young boy without a name was recently given a record deal with Adam Levine’s label; Exploit the Youth, after winning the ninth season of The Voice. The boy was eight years old when he died of something his doctors described as, “similar to Benjamin Button disease but in reverse.” A producer of the show heard the story of the young, dead, racially ambiguous orphaned boy while visiting his grandmother in the hospital after her breast augmentation and realized that he’d be perfect for the singing competition. He dragged his little body bag to the auditions that day and made Carson Daley tell the world the boy’s story in a very sad voice. Though the boy could not physically sing when put on the stage because he was dead, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton still turned their chairs. “I just had a feeling about this one, I just kind of knew from his aur—oar-uhh? O’Hara? What’s that last word on this script, they didn’t teach us that in my schooling days,” says Shelton as producers shuffle him off of the stage.

The racially ambiguous, dead, young boy advanced each week after more and more of his backstory was revealed. His mother was a direct descendant of Harriet Tubman and Sitting Bull. His parents died in a car accident, both completely deaf, both with every type of stage four cancer to ever exist. His father’s ethnicity was the ‘would rather not respond’ option on the SAT. His coach, Adam Levine, couldn’t work with his singing technique because by week four he was decomposing in front of the audience’s eyes, “It’s really an incredible thing to watch this completely dead person, up there just putting his all in, it’s amazing really,” says Pharrell who is sometimes a coach on The Voice.

Audience member Joe Thaplummer says he kept voting for the boy because, “He’s a freaking orphan people! And he’s freaking dead! And yet here he is silently singing his heart out, changing lives.” Thaplummer proceeded to wipe a solitary tear from his eye. The dead orphan’s album will drop on October 15th including the title track, ‘Hella Turnt, Hella Dead’ featuring Blue Ivy and it will be exclusively available on Tidal.

Pitt to Offer Annual Tuition Hike

By Phil Forrence  

Shuffling. Scuffling. Shuffling sounds cut the dark forest din. Quick rodents scurry past the door-flap of your canvass enclosure. Your eyelids lift as your mind transitions to blissful confusion. You slowly rise in an early-hours-daze as infant light beams dart just over the fertile mountainside. The zipper of your tent takes some convincing, but finally acquiesces and comes unstuck as you stumble your way out into the awakening woodland. The great outdoors. In the tech-centric world we inhabit, it’s a place we just don’t visit often enough. At least, that’s what Pitt Chancellor Patrick Gallagher believes.

     

“Sometimes you just have to do something that is good for you, that doesn’t sound like it’s good for you but it is. I’m dangerous,” He explains. “The world isn’t always going to treat you the way you think it should so you just gotta roll with the punches and every once in a while do some things.”

Gallagher is, of course, describing his rationale into creating the new annual Pitt Tuition Hike, an excursion that honors the university’s historic tithe. Beginning in Spring 2016, University of Pittsburgh students across all years, schools, and disciplines will journey to a mountain and use their Pitt know-how to avoid falling boulders, poisonous snakes, and crippling student loan debt.

“And every year will be different.” The chancellor relishes as his tongue slithers feverishly past his lips, “The first year we will climb what seems like a reasonably small, reasonably priced, mountain.”  He interrupts himself, “DANGER, I AM DANGER.” Then continues, “In the following years, we will climb higher and higher hills until we reach our goal: the highest mountain in America!”

This mandatory trek has caused some concern among students, but Gallagher is not troubled. He concludes, “I AM DANGER I AM DANGEROUS TO HAVE AROUND OH MY GOD HOW DID I GET THIS JOB?!” He then takes one ferocious final gulp from his milk goblet before slithering out of his office to the depths of his cherished forest nook.

Surviving Your Freshman Year—A Guide

By Steven Jaindl

Greetings Freshman! You must be excited to start college, and for good reason—college is an exciting experience, replete with fun things you won’t have the time to do because you’re studying in order to one day land a job that pays you well enough to pay back your college loans in time for you to begin saving for retirement, assuming you don’t die first. Do not, however, let this excitement cause you to make poor judgments which may put you in harm’s way; higher education presents problems which you may not hitherto have been confronted by.

The following list features some of the leading causes of death among college students:
-Dehydration.
-A fatal overestimation of self-importance.
-Revolving door accidents.
-Gettin’ your mind blown by a particularly engaging professor.
-Excessive disgust at those two guys who kissed in public while you happened to be looking in their direction.
-Forgetting to leave behind a trail of breadcrumbs when travelling into Schenley Park, getting lost, being unable to catch any wildlife, drinking the water from the disgusting pond, kneeling over and dying.
-Scurvy.
-Stray nerf darts from that fucking game those nerds play.
-Admitting you lost an intellectual argument.
-Overeagerness in trying extreme sexual positons, such as “The Fire Hydrant” or “The -Back-Breaker.
-Your parents forcing you to pick the largest meal plan possible, and your subsequent consumption of nothing except Market Central food for a semester, “Supersize me” style.
-Syphilis.
-Broken heart.

Local Student Wins Writing Award with Erotic Fan Fiction

By Holly Stavarski

CHAMPAIGN, IL – Every year students submit pieces of written word and art to the Scholastic Art & Writing Awards in hopes of winning the coveted Gold Key. This year, Champaign School Districts’ own Riley Tennanbaum did the same, but unlike many others, the 12-year-old student won.

Cara Holsvick, Riley’s English Teacher, was shocked at the outcome.

“Riley is a brilliant writer with a lot of potential, but usually the subject matter of the writing is a little… advanced for a middle schooler. When I say advanced, I mean sexual.”

Riley’s submitted piece of writing, “MindFreaked: A Criss Angel Erotic Fiction” is a 30-page-long excursion into the deeply warped and developing mind of a young child who had their sexual awakening while watching famed magician Criss Angel. Riddled with lustful descriptions of sex acts that put those on Urban Dictionary to shame, the tale of “MindFreaked: A Criss Angel Erotic Fiction” is the story of Tiley Rennanbaum, a local personal trainer and her sweaty encounter with Criss Angel at the gym.

Though he found it a bit disturbing reading the sexual fantasies of a minor, Chairman of the Scholastic Writing Awards, Harper Quinn, told us that he still believes that Riley still deserves some credit.

“Yes, it may be highly inappropriate to consider this piece, as I myself felt violated while reading it, but the creativity that this young student possesses it nothing short of extraordinary.”

Instead of agreeing to an interview, Riley asked The Pittiful News to publish and excerpt from their piece to “better understand why they would write a piece on Criss Angel.”

MINDFREAKED: A Criss Angel Erotic Fiction

It was 5 o’clock in the morning when I got to the gym to open it up for the day. Working the opening shift wasn’t my favorite because it was too early and too dark outside to be awake. I unlocked the door and took two steps inside when I heard a metallic ‘CLANK’. I walked slowly to the weight room. The lights were still dim as I looked into the room and meekly called out.

“Hello? Is anyone in here?”

There was another metal clank and I turned my head to face the bench press machine. That’s when I saw him. Wearing only a black vest and short black booty shorts along with his various silver chains, it was the one and only Criss Angel.

“Hello,” he said, sitting up, while his well oiled pecks dripped with sweat and desire, ”I’m Crissssss Angel,” he hissed.

I looked away sheepishly.

“Oh, I already knew that,” I whispered.

He looked back at me, his side bangs covering his one eye. He slowly rose from the bench, touching his glistening abs.

“Are you a fan of magic?” He asked, moving closer to me, pulling out a deck of cards and handing them to me. I chose one, remembered the card, and slid it back inside. He took the deck of cards and threw it in the air. He was close to me now. I could smell his sweat and Ed Hardy cologne. I watched him in the mirror as he slid his hands down the back of his pants and removed a card. MY card.

“That’s my card,” I exclaimed, “How did you do that?”

Criss was touching me now. My shirt was wet with his oil. He removed his erect penis from his pants and started swinging it like a helicopter.

“A good magician never revealssss hisss secretssss, Riley.”

The Descent of Jan

By Bill Beadle

Though a virtual unknown to the general populous, Jan is a figure many college students are familiar with. She starred in the critically panned series of videos presented as part of the AlcoholEdu program where she played a largely autobiographic role: the drunk mess. In attempts to revamp her image, Jan has agreed to this exclusive interview as long as it is published in its entirety, without any edits. Due to her very busy schedule the interview was conducted via Tinder message (her preferred method of communication):

BB: Hello Jan
J: Hi cutie, hows about u bring absinthe n I’ll limber up

BB: Whoa, whoa, whoa Jan. This is the interview for the Pittiful News.
J: O. Sry I 4got. Lets do this!

BB: Let’s start out with your past roles. What do you feel has been your defining role as of now?
J: Well that 1 with the alkohal was basically me but I would have to say my roll in the 7th grade Nativity pageant

BB: And what was that?
J: Woman holding sheep

BB: Lovely…So, how has your appearance on the AlcoholEdu videos changed your career trajectory?
J: I’ve gotten alot of ofers in porn lately, but in classie side roles. No beaver stuff just boobs

BB: Have you considered commercial acting?
J: Never! Only serius rolls for this girl

BB: Ok then…Have your drinking habits been changed since AlcoholEdu?
J: Wait………Wh r u?

BB: Jan, this is the reporter from the Pittiful News. We’ve had this conversation.
J: No. No. No.

BB: What?
J: I am queen of Lusitania no intervu wirh pesnt

BB: Are you okay Jan? You seem a little unhinged.
J: Perfect. don u try cal cops. They took al my meth last time nhvfjejbwjfnmdbshjfgjvfnwmbdsw,jdnfm,dnbhjkwvfhjv rhjekwnkvfmelmmdmmd,d

BB: Jan, I’m calling an ambulance. You’re unintelligible.
J: youdontnomystoryyyyyyyyyy

BB: Jan you need help, what is your address?
J: no home just nvfhjdkbsvbjc,nmvc c

[1 hour later]

BB: Jan, are you alive?
J: Yasssss. Ready for a Jagerbomb and some lowkey coke

BB: What?…How?…Never mind. Goodbye Jan.
Following that interview Jan declined all attempts at a follow up citing the anti-vape conspiracy. She will appear in next year’s “Downton Shaggy,” a “Downton Abbey” “Scooby Doo” porn parody. If you want more of Jan, her generally inactive Twitter is @jan_from_edu.

Frida Kahlo Tragically Dies

By Danial Smith

Thousands gathered Monday to mourn the recent death of the iconic Frida Kahlo, who passed away Monday morning in her home in Holland Hall, Oakland. She was known for her radiant colors, charming personality, and adorable fins. She is survived only by her owner, Sarah Sokolowski.

“It’s ok. I’m sad but at least I gave her a longer& more loved life than if had been used as food,” Sarah said. “Becase she was a feeder fish.” Ms. Sokolowski, a freshman at the University of Pittsburgh, adopted Frida from a local Petco on Friday, September 18, 2015. Despite the abrupt end to their relationship, Sarah and Frida developed an unparalleled bond in those short 3 days. Much of their time together was spent with Frida swimming in circles, and Sarah watching.

Sarah was too overcome with emotion for further comment. Memorial services were held Monday evening at Holland Hall.