Editorial: Only Way To Stop Bad Guy With Suicide Vest Is Good Guy With Suicide Vest

p { margin-bottom: 0.1in; line-height: 120%; } By Phil Forrence

p { margin-bottom: 0.1in; line-height: 120%; }

The term existential threat is not one I understand. However, the recent attacks in Paris demonstrate ISIS poses an immense existential threat to the United States. Suicide bombers force security guards to play a decidedly less-charming version of ‘Where’s Waldo?’ at every high volume football game and concert. ISIS exploits the difficult-to-detect terror strategy of lining explosives inside previously non-explosive sweater vests.
When it was found that Americans were shooting each other with guns, we as a country understood that the best way to solve this problem was to introduce no new legislation and suggest more guns be added to the situation. Give good guys guns. Lower the amount of gun deaths. Now we must use this lesson learned, and apply it to explosive sleeveless sweaters.
Every child, woman, and man who loves America should be allowed to purchase a protective suicide vest. Yes, a protective suicide vest. They should come in all shapes and sizes. When the terrorists show up to the local Hooters or your son’s tee-ball game expecting to destroy everything in the area, you can catch them unawares with your very own explosive rib cage. Word will spread throughout terrorist organizations everywhere that America is not a country to fuck with. Word will spread. The Islamic state will no longer be able to carry out its incognito attacks. America will be safe. America will be safe.
Although some may deem it drastic and others may too, this measure will ensure terrorists don’t get the edge. We can beat ISIS. The solution must come from within.

In & Out List 2015

As 2015 comes to a close, The Pittiful News has compiled a list of what’s out this year, and what’s in for 2016. Then again, the world is melting and we’re all on fire so nothing matters. Stay cool out there kids!


Floss picks
Ice cream social
Phone charger belts
Deez nuts
French Montana
Hover boards
The black sheep
Angel food cake
OJ Simpson
Third eye


Bleeding gums
Perpendicular lines
Hula hoops
Shoestring belts
Doze nuts
Staring at your reflection in the lake for hours
Hannah Montana
Lying in a ditch
Wool sweaters
Satans pudding
Cuba gooding Jr.
Adopting a cat
Rat castle in NYC
Third nipple

Local Handjob Goes Horribly Wrong

p { margin-bottom: 0.1in; line-height: 120%; }
p { margin-bottom: 0.1in; line-height: 120%; }

By Phil Forrence

Lisa Simmons was born with the natural ten fingers. 

“I heard the screams from here.” Lisa’s neighbor Ted Grossman recalls, “I just hoped everyone was okay.” 
After Monday’s events, she is left with only seven. “I had just settled down to watch a movie with my Tim when he suddenly became very horny.” She chokes through incessant tears, “We’d already finished having sex so I offered to give him a handy so we could enjoy San Andreas without the awkward sexual reluctance. He accepted.” Then it began.
Reporters say that during one particularly violent backward arm swing, Lisa smacked her elbow into her book shelf causing a bag of gummy worms to fall on top of the two lovers. 
Unfortunately, the bag had been opened, eaten from, and not properly stored months earlier so the gummy worms had been eaten by live earth worms who had set up camp in the bag.
Lisa and Tim began screaming as the blind, slimy creatures frantically wiggled for the safety of another gummy container. Tim wildly attempted to kick one away and his foot caught Lisa smack in the sternum. She flew back onto the floor, her left hand finding Tim’s open hunting knife which sliced off three digits.
Lisa Simmons was born with the natural two ears.
In the fray, Tim gleaned that someone had dirtied his grandfather’s hunting knife. He dove frantically for the prized possession as screams filled the space. As he leapt, the carpet slipped from under his feet. His head popped up then down square onto Lisa’s university-supplied desk chair knocking him immediately unconscious as ever furious future-fish-bait struggled to relocate after the natural disaster.
Lisa saw she and her Tim in need of medical attention, and shot her hand out for her cell phone. Unfortunately, Tim has two grandfathers. Both were fond of hunting and knife-giving. 
Lisa’s good hand punched the closed other-blade hard against her desk causing it to ricochet off the wall, open, and return not unlike an ear cleaving boomerang. The whirling knife-arang cleanly severed her right ear before falling innocently to Tim’s unmoving feet.
Lisa was born with a strong heart. She persevered through her injuries and was able to finally reach for her phone and dial 911. Paramedics arrived on the scene twenty minutes later, and, after three minutes of giggling, took victims to the local hospital.
The incident is being described by those close to it as sensitive. “I mean, we’ve all had our fair share of bad handjobs,” relates police chief Cynthia Flemming, “They take forever and I mean what are you supposed to do at the end?” She continues, “Seriously, I’m asking, what are you supposed to do at the end of a handjob? No one will tell me.”
Thirteen of the victims died due to lack earthy soil in which to shelter. Two remain at UPMC in critical but stable condition.

Local Man Shocked To Find That Holding Freshly Slain Deer In Tinder Picture Doesn’t Attract The Ladies

By Hannah Lynnhttps://i0.wp.com/41.media.tumblr.com/6765fad0ab1d452f3e4cac8cbc22f638/tumblr_nsplz4ZHs11tc5ckxo1_1280.jpg

After months of trekking through the bleak, barren wasteland of Tinder, Chet Carson finally came to the cold, hard realization that holding a freshly slain deer in his Tinder picture doesn’t attract the ladies.

“I don’t know what the problem is,” he lamented. “I mean I shot this deer with my own bare hands! Why aren’t women into my desperate, if not over-the-top need to prove my masculinity and dominance?” He declined to comment on whether or not he had guns for hands.

Holding a freshly slain deer in Tinder pictures is a fairly common practice, especially in regions like Western Pennsylvania. Subjects will often crouch next to the corpse, not having yet reached rigor mortis, and hold up its head by the antlers. A similarly common fad is guys holding up a freshly caught fish.

“Honestly, if you’re holding a freshly slain deer in your Tinder pic, you probably have a fridge full of monster energy drinks and a shrine to Kenny Chesney,” said Chloe Davis, a Tinder user. “Now those aren’t each individual deal breakers, but like they definitely do make me wanna take my emergency cyanide pill.”

There are currently several researchers studying the issue in the relatively new field of Phone App Psychology. “When I was a young lad, I would go out hunting with a friend, have him take a polaroid of me next to the freshly slain deer, and then mail that polaroid to the girl I fancied. That’s how I met my ex-wife! She was the cop that arrested me for violating my restraining order,” said psychologist Jim Hudson. “Wait what was the question?”

No deer could be reached for comment as we are still looking for a deer-human translator.

Kampuss Kutie with Sean Harrington

p { margin-bottom: 0.1in; direction: ltr; line-height: 120%; text-align: left; widows: 2; orphans: 2; }

Kampuss Kutie with Sean Harrington
November 14th, 2015; ‎3:22:13 PM to ‎3:56:07 PM
Location: Second floor of the Bagel Factory/Coffee Tree Roasters on Forbes and Craig
Pittiful News’s BD Wahlberg: Welcome everybody at home, uh, to the Pittiful News Kampuss Kutie, ‘with the K’s and the Puss.’ Uh we have with us today Mistmonsieur Sean Harrington. Uh, he is coming out of the, uh, the uh, he’s been out of the lime light for a good number of years now, after what we would call a, we’d call it a scandal?
Sean Harrington: Yeah, um, yeah!
PN: It’s a scandal. Now he’s given us the exclusive privilege of doing this Kampuss Kutie interview here at the Pittiful News. So, um, before we get into the whole details of what happened, some years ago, you want to tell us a little more about why, about why you’re willing to let us here at the Pittiful News, you know, talk to you, talk to you- why are you giving your story to us?
SH: Well, Ben, I’ve been inspired by your work.
PN: Who wouldn’t be?
SH: I think your last work with the Kampuss Kutie was phenomenal.
PN: Kat Brewer, everybody! Will be, uh, well we, we don’t want to spoil it- Go on.
SH: And the quality of the journalism at The Pittiful News does? It’s just beyond any description. I cannot describe to you how good…the quality of The Pittiful News is- I really can’t. It’s- it’s something else.
PN: One would even say there are words on every page.
SH: There are words. Yes.
PN: So I think that’s really valid, um, not giving it to some other, alterior (sic) publication, we’re really honoured, uh. Now a lot of people really feel betrayed. They really feel like, they’ve, they’ve, that you lost their trust.
SH: Mhm.
PN: That you were you were a national treasure, and now a recluse, living in utter shame, hiding away, and we’re really honoured to have you with us. You know, like you may, you may be able to redeem yourself today. So, let’s jump right into it: You want to tell us what happened, you know, when? You know, who, who all was involved? I want, we want to hear ‘your side of the story.’

SH: Well, I don’t want to name names. Uh-
PN: Well we do.
SH: It, it, it was just a lab accident. Okay? I mean, things happen when you when you study butterfly vaginas, I, you can’t-
PN: Butterfly vaginas!
SH: It’s uh-
PN: How’d you get into butterfly vaginas?
SH: Well, I like vaginas and I like butterflies, It just-
PN: Who doesn’t?
SH: Yeah, it was the pefect combination of them.
PN: Now, Sean was, as, uh, everybody knows, America’s treasure, the, thebutterflyvaginaologist, of the age, of the century, of, dare we say? The millennium?
SH: Yes, yes, I can go with saying that.
PN: I think we dare say that.
SH: We can say that, I feel.
PN: Now, now, we all know you were working in the lab, uh you had a few lab mates, studying butterfly vaginas. You want to tell us, uh, from your angle, what…went, say, wrong?
SH: Well, if- I don’t want to put an exact on when it went wrong, but I think an incorporation of a flamethrower to the desanitizing of the chamber, was probably what caused…at least in part…the issue. How I got the flamethrower, however is not, not up to me to decide, I, I blame it on the, um, the university.
PN: Blame here of flamethrowers if often moved around from side to side, it’s, it’s a political third rail, really comes told. Now, here with us, an example of that third rail, of flamethrowers as desanitization really being approached. Now, who do you, you want to blame the university for you pulling out a flamethrower? Now remember that, a lot was at stake, about these findings, you know, what if, if this experiment had gone right, what would it have mattered for the university, for the world at large, for science, for the future of human kind?
SH: You know-
PN: I’m sure it would have meant a lot.
SH: It means so much, it’s, it’s hard to put in non-technical jargon what the significance of the studying-
PN: Do you have some jargon? Some jargon, we love jargon.
SH: Well-
PN: There’s a proud history of jargon out there. From the smallest buzzwords to the largest…buzzwords. Jargon at its finest comes in butterfly vagina study. We’d like to hear some of that jargon, and then I’ll put it in laymen’s terms,
SH: Well, the, uh-
PN: Laypeople, sorry-
SH: Well, we were studying how the, um… how the butterflies mate. We found that the, um, the female will literally eat the sperm, the spermatophore, the technical term, that, um, the butterfly presents to the female. And we, when you take it weight by weight, uh the spermatophore of the male butterfly, is probably about 15% of the female’s weight, of the male’s weight, sorry. And it’s gonna be basically, you, you, a human ejaculating…about 30 pounds in one go, and, really, we wanted to see if that was possible.
PN: Now because, if that, if one butterfly could ejaculate 30, 30, 30, what?
SH: 30 percent of its weight-
PN: 30 percent, uh, then we could cure cancer. And it’s as simple as that.
SH: It is. It’s as simple as that.
PN: It’s as simple as-
SH: It is as simple as that.
PN: A cure for cancer was stripped away from the world, cuz of one flamethrower.
SH: Mhm.

PN: Do you agree? Instead of letting this research- these were special butterflies, these had been bread for decades.

SH: Mhm.
PN: Sort of had a responsibility to carry out this butterfly mating process, make sure that we could cure cancer with butterfly semen.
SH: Yes.
PN: Waagh. We can see why everybody feels very betrayed?
SH: Yes, I, yes, I can understand. I-I-
PN: But this is your chance, this is your chance to redeem yourself.
SH: We, we did our best, at trying to, I think, learn the correlation between massive amounts of sperm and cancer. We really tried. And-
PN: I promise you they were on to something. We all know they were on to something.
SH: We were; we were. And-
PN: A man doesn’t hide for 5 years for nothing. It’s okay. All we want to hear is why you destroyed the cure for cancer of you butterfly vaginal semen-
SH: Well-
PN: -With a flamethrower. It’s all we want to know.
SH: It was just- We were under a lot of stress. Trying to cure cancer is a very stressful situation. And, um, we really wanted to publish, and we just wanted to clean the lab as soon as we could, and the most effective way is through incineration.
PN: True, true. We have an incineration specialist in the audience today. We’d like to bring them, for uh, on for a moment, really speak about incineration at its finest, the need for incineration, and if, uh, incineration was really required in this case. Can we please have our incinerationologist? Everyone give him a warm round of applause! Joining us today, joining us now, right in the middle, he wants to be in the middle. (To Sean: Don’t leave, don’t leave the limelight, we definitely need you.) Now get on in there.
(Danial Burnman enters)
SH: Pop a squat.
PN: You want to pop a squat? Get on there. You want to introduce yourself?
Daniel Burnman: (Greeting Sean: Hi, how you doing?) Hi, my name is Danial.
PN: Danial!
DB: Danial.
PN: Danial Burnman! Danial, please tell us, is this a case when incineration was necessary, it was necessary this happened, that we destroyed the cure for cancer-
DB: Well-
PN: -Out of butterfly vagina semen?
DB: I’m sure in the situation it was very complicated and complex, but I personally, I don’t see a need for it, and I…circumstances- It seems over the top and unnecessary!
SH: Well you weren’t there!
PN: Hmm! Heating up.
DB: I just don’t, I mean, I just don’t see how you could possibly justify that.
SH: Well, have you tried cleaning an entire chamber of horny butterflies? And, they, they-
PN: Cheat out, cheat out, cheat out!
SH: Do you even understa-
PN: Tell them at home.
SH: Butterflies are extremely horny, and it, it gets wild in there, it, it’s, it’s like a frat house in there, and it, you just have no time, you don’t want to be there at all, you don’t. It’s gross. Would you want, your like day to be covered in sperm? I don’t think so.
DB: I just think there are better ways. Other than flamethrowers. Perhaps that wouldn’t destroy everything.
SH: It didn’t destroy everything- it just destroyed the cure for cancer.
DB: Maybe some Windex? That wouldn’t destroy the cure for cancer. Right?
SH: What?
DB: That should get the job done.
PN: Should’ve gotten the job done, Windex.
SH: Windex?
PN: Now we’re not here to attack you on what the media has attacked you on for five years. Thank you so much Dan Burnman!
DB: Of course.
PN: Thank you so much, we’ll see you again in the future. Uh, we almost always need a burn expert.
(Danial Burnman leaves.)
PN: Now, as I said, I mean, we’re not here to about what you already been attacked about. You’ve already defended yourself on a lot of fronts, but there’s some people out there who have come up with a conspiracy that maybe, maybe you were hiding something by destroying butterflies.
SH: Mhm, mhm.
PN: That there was something else going on there that you had caught wind of? I mean, if there’s a secret here, it’s the time to share.
SH: Well, I guess this is as good a time as any. We, we, in our research of butterfly semen sex vaginas cure for cancer, we discovered that, um, well it was something extra-terrestrial- I can’t get into specifics, we didn’t, we didn’t-
PN: Extra. Terrestrial. Just like the conspiracy therists have said- conspiracy theorists have said for so long: extra-terrestrial. Go on!
SH: I, I can’t go into details, I’m not an extra-terrestrialologist. But what we could tell is, that, um, the butterflies would die and then come back as zombie life. And at first we thought this was just the beginning of, you know, like-
PN: The cure for cancer-
SH: The cure for cancer, yeah. But then…they would organize. And we, and we lost an undergrad actually in the process, but you know, we don’t talk about that.
PN: We do talk about that, actually.
SH: Undergrads aren’t important, let’s be real here.
PN: Now, it’s always been assumed that you had murdered-
SH: Let’s establish this first! Undergraduates are not important
PN: Yep, yeah, you know what? That’s why you’ve never gone to jail over this. It’s just been assumed as collateral damage of the flamethrower incident.
SH: It’s common knowledge, that if you work in a lab as an undergraduate, you’re probably going to die and no one will care, even you parents.
PN: It’s like being an intern at a radio station.
SH: No one cares. No one cares.
PN: Now, you say that this was an extra-terrestrial, extra-terrestrial situation with these butterflies, in your process to cure cancer out of butterfly vagina semens, uh aliens got involved. Were aliens there from the start? You found out about the aliens, you had to go into hiding for five years to cover up the aliens?
SH: Really, I want- Really I can’t cover up the aliens, they kind of run the show.
PN: Hmm. You’re saying the aliens kept you off of the media to hide their existence? Are you worried about the implications of revealing the aliens today on The Pittiful News?
SH: Well, they seem to have it under control. The, uh, the implications, this issue of the butterfly cancer sex aliens, but I- I feel that there’s something external going on, that I can’t control and that I had to leave. It, it correlated with, though, with the beginning of, um, the discussion of who would replace Chancellor Nordenberg. So I’m not throwing any names out there-
PN: Sad, sad state of affairs.
SH: Not throwing any names out there, but, um, Chancellor Gallagher-
PN: Chancellor Gallagator, by the way, a real, secret lizard. Shedding his skin around campus. We will be with that story at another time. It has no place within our Kampuss Kutie.
SH: Well, just, we feel that he has some sort of connection with this, but I can’t really deny it, or really anything, it’s just, I’m just proposing ideas.
PN: Now you’re saying, that the aliens got involved, that Gallagator, Chancellor Gallagator, brought himself into the process with the aliens-
SH: Mhm, yes.
PN: And polluted the data that was going to cure the butterfly semen cancer vaginas-
SH: Yes.
PN: And that’s why you incinerated all of them-
SH: Yes.
PN: And the intern died, which is not relevant, not particularly important-
SH: No, not important at all.
PN: Hh, I understand why you went into hiding for five years.
SH: Yes, it’s totally not my fault at all. Not whatsoever.
PN: No one would blame you.
SH: I did not show up drunk to lab one day and get my hands on a flamethrower and just had fun. I didn’t, that did not happen at all.
PN: No one is thinking that you showed up drunk to lab and-
SH: I’m not drunk now.
PN: He is not drunk right now. Our Kampuss Kutie is not-
SH: Nope, I am not drunk, I could a hundred percent say that this is not a very strong drink.
PN: It’s not a strong drink.
SH: It’s not a strong drink.
PN: He’s not drunk. Now, I hear, we know that you are, uh, and thank you for sharing with the audience at home, audience here, are we happy about the story? Do you buy this?
Will Doubter: I just have one question, personally.
PN: We have a question. We have a personal question. Yeah, nice and loud so the, uh, recorder will hear you.
WD: You say you were trying to cover up all of this evidence, then how do you explain the basket of pineapples, totally unburnt right next to the incinerations?
PN: Most conspiracy theories do hinge on the existence of the basket of unburnt pineapples next to the incinerated, possible cure, but actually secretly alien technology that was going to zombify everybody-
SH: Yes-
PN: –Butterflies-
SH: –Semen-
PN: –Semen vaginas.
SH: Semen vaginas, yes.
PN: How do you explain, the pineapples? Put our conspiracy theories to rest.
SH: Well…Can you explain the moon?
PN: We’ve had articles explaining the moon! Okay? Haha, as if, as if we need to, um, explain…the moon.
SH: Could you?
PN: Yeah, well, uh, it’s up there, uh we know cuz we’ve, uh, we’ve been up there.
SH: You can’t prove that.
PN: Well, I haven’t been to the moon… this is uh, well, understood, understood- But you still haven’t answered about the pineapples, you’ve actually just dodged the question! This is your one time for redemption!
SH: I-it’s-they were just there. We can’t-there-there’s no way
PN: They were just there.
SH: -we can’t prove that it had anything to do with any sort of-eh-eh! These implications that I had any sort of pineapple fetish? They’re wrong, okay?
PN: The pineapple fetish is definitely not the answer
SH: That-that’s just weird. Like the human-
PN: Well we’re not going to kink shame on our Kampuss Kutie, if you do have a pineapple fetish, just don’t hurt anybody, unless they want to be. (To Will Doubter) Now, you bring up the pineapples, it’s an issue for you, what’s your…as a conspiracy theorist.
WD: Well, you see-
PN: Would you like to come up on stage?
(Will Doubter enters)
PN: … Just squat.
WD: It just seems very strange-
PN: Giving the spotlight to the conspiracy theorists!
WD: It just seems bizarre to me that the pineapples were totally unburnt! They were- they seemed to be located right next to the scene. Everything’s black, but these pineapples? Fresh. You could have eaten one of them right then, right there. It’s- it confuses me.
PN: Now, the important question is what do you think happened with the pineapples. Why do you think the pineapples were there?
WD: I’m not totally sure, to be honest, it seems-
SH: Exactly! There’s no reason for this to be an issue. He-
WD: It gets to me, because… we know from what you’ve already said that, that you already had a source of food for the butterflies- this has been, like, clarified multiple times in the past several years. So why would you need the pineapples to be there?
SH: I can’t prove- you can’t prove that I brought the pineapples there! That’s what you don’t understand- They just appeared there. The moon just appeared there and we don’t just, like- was anyone, has anyone witnessed the appearance of the moon? Anyone?
WD: Well, I suppose you’re right.
PN: Well! One conspiracy theorist convinced, that means all conspiracy theorists should be convinced. Back to your seat.
SH: Yep.
PN: Back to your seat.
(Will Doubter leaves)
SH: Now shut up.
(Quick edit where the camera was adjusted so that hand motions could be better seen!)
PN: Now, we addressed the pineapples-
SH: Mhm.
PN: We addressed the pineapples. Like the intern, they don’t need to be addressed. Now, I see here, that you are, you’re writing a book about all this, you have a book coming out next month?
SH: Yes!
PN: Um, do you want to tell us a little bit more about this? Uh, will it have an index? Uh, will it have a page count? Will there be numbers on the bottom of each page telling us which page we’re on?
SH: There will be a number.
PN: Uh, are there going to be chapters in this book?
SH: There will be-
PN: We don’t really know much about this book at all.
SH: –one chapter.
PN: One chapter books. Okay.
SH: Um, and it will be numbered, one page.
PN: One page!
SH: One page. And it, uh- I don’t want to give it away, but, the, the whole book rhymes with “I-
PN: Do you have a title yet?
SH: Yes! But I don’t want to give it away.
PN: Awww! But how will we promote it?
SH: Cuz it’s my book! Everyone knows it’s going to be my book.
PN: Oh, that’s true. It’s the Sean Harrington-
SH: Sean Harrington-
PN: –experience.
SH: Experience, yes. Well, just to… it, it clearly lays out that I did not do it.
PN: Yah.
SH: In one sentence or less.
PN: Index! Will it have an index? Our fans are burning to know, your fans, your foes even, hopefully converted after we’ve understood that extraterrestrials involved with Chancellor Gallegator did infest the butterflies that would have cured cancer out of their vagina semen, made sure that there would be zombies so we needed to have burned them with the incineration. It’s that simple.
SH: (Pours a drank)
PN: (Raises cup)
SH: (Clinks Plastic to Styrofoam)
PN: Now, because of all this, we do have a couple letters from you fans, and your foes-
SH: My foes!? There’s none.
PN: Well, fair. Arguable. At this point hopefully not. Our first letter comes from 12 year old Jordan. Jordan writes: “I’m so confused about everything that you’ve done. My parents won’t explain it and I feel really betrayed. Are you a leader or are you a dolphin?”
SH: Well, first- what, what was this child’s name again?
PN: Jordan.
SH: Jordan.
PN: Jordan. Little 12 year old Jordan.
SH: I-I-I want to explain to Jordan that that your parents probably don’t care about you. That’s why they won’t explain it to you.
PN: This man is now again a nation treasure. Take him seriously! What an honour to have him back. Saved us from aliens.
SH: And, it’s- you’re probably confused because you’re stupid. I mean, you’re 12. Can you even count?
PN: Well, no numbers are present in the, um, letter-
SH: There are none, there are none-
PN: Except for the age. But we can assume his parents wrote that.
SH: Yeah, mhm. And just, just you gotta read, Kevin, and-
PN: It’s Jordan.
SH: Jordan. Well, close enough. No one cares.
PN: All Jordans are now Kevins. National treasure over here.
SH: Yes.
PN: But to the real question: Are you a leader or are you a dolphin?
SH: I’m a- leader of dolphins.
PN: He’s a leader of dolphins. I’ve never seen it before.
SH: Mhm.
PN: You’ve really stunned me. You floored me. I’m floored.
SH: Mhm.
PN: A leader of dolphins.
SH: A leader of dolphins.
PN: And that’s not a metaphor?
SH: Actually that is-
PN: A metaphor?
SH: No! It’s the title of my book, actually!
PN: Ah!
SH: That, that- now that we brought it out there-
PN: A Leader of Dolphins.
SH: A Leader of Dolphins.
PN: Coming out next month at Borders.
SH: A- A Leader of Dolphins. And, not- and there’ll be a satirical version of it, where it’s – it’ll also be called A Liter of Dolphins. But it’s a much darker version of it.
PN: Satire is always darker than the real thing.
SH: Yes, it always is. It’s-it’s a clever pun. But it’s a dark joke. It’s a dark, dark, dark pun.
PN: Now, Dana, age 22, writes: “My friends and I have been arguing about this for a long time. You seem to be the authority on this sort of thing as a butterfly vagina expert in the past and as a villain for the past five years in the hearts of all people. We heard you’re taking questions for the first time in five years, so here goes- Yuuup! or Yikes.”
SH: Yikes. Yikes.
PN: It’s yikes everybody.
SH: Yikes.
PN: Now, we would like to say goodbye to our, uh, burnologist, Dan Burnman. Please join us, uh, to say goodbye, he has to leave early for another appointment. Here, I- Please give him the stage. Here he is, Dan Burnman.
(Danial Burnman reenters)
PN: Any final messages? Do you understand now that the inci- Do you, do you understand now that the incineration was actually necessary, entirely, completely necessary?
SH: You look very familiar.
DB: I was here a few minutes ago.
SH: Oh.
PN: He was here a few minutes ago.
SH: Is your name Kevin?
PN: He’s Dan Burnman.
SH: Danial?
DB: Close enough. Sorry, what was your question again?
PN: My question was, do you think as a burnologist that the, uh, that the efforts taken by Sean Harrington to eradicate the zombie aliens from the butterflies were effective enough.
DB: Well-
PN: Do you think that we still have anything to worry about?
DB: In light of recent evidence, especially regarding the, uh, pineapples, I think that, perhaps there might be some framing going on. Perhaps some deeper conspiracy that no one was aware of previously.
SH: Mhm.
DB: I think there’s a lot more to look into-
SH: It’s really not my fault, it’s really, it’s not my fault
PN: Of course, of course, national treasure. Nation treasure.
SH: I-I- look at me. I’m gorgeous.
DB: I think that-
PN: Kampuss Kutie!
DB: -there’s a lot to be discovered now-
SH: Kampuss Kutie.
DB: – and we’ve got a lot more work to do. Thank you for having me.
PN: Oh, of course, yeah, thank for, uh, thanks for coming.
DB: Of course.
SH: Thanks for coming, Mike!
DB: Of course.
(Danial Burnman leaves)
PN: Alright, fair enough. Alright, done away with him. Whuh! And our last question comes from you ex-lover. Your ex-lover would like to, uh, well, it’s just came in. Your ex-lover says: “This whole interview has been really revealing. You’ve bared a side of yourself that I feel like I never got to see. Are you ready to give this a second chance?”
SH: No.
PN: Well! Didn’t really expect anything else. He’s been in hiding for five years. Didn’t talk to you. Eh, what’d you really expect? Now, uh, you say you’re running, uh, for president-
SH: Yes.
PN: -in 2016, based on, you know, your book’s gonna be a big kick-off for your presidential run-
SH: Leader of Dolphins.
PN: –Leader of Dolphins. Nation treasure. I want to know more about your platform, your, uh, your campaign slogan?
SH: Well, it’s- my campaign slogan is, “We Want- We Want to Bring America Back to Just Greater Than What Donald Trump Would, Be Greater Than, Great.”
PN: “Bring back America-”
SH: To greaterness.
PN: “Bring America Back to Greaterness.” I like it-
SH: Times two.
PN: I like the, uh- “Bring America Back to Greaterness – Times Two,” everybody! You heard it here first. Sean Harrington, for president, 2016. “Bring American Back to Greaterness – Two.” Times two?
SH: Times two. Times two.
PN: Times two.
SH: Times two.
PN: X. 2. Peace. Um, so, uh, now, for continuity’s sake, as we teased earlier, we wooould like to feature a few questions from our previous Kampuss Kutie, Madam Kat Brewer, all the way frooooooooom Ireland. Uh, she comes to us, uh, she has, uh, pull up her uh, videos. Um, this is just gonna take a little bit of time here, gonna take some time to rewind, okay we’re gonna have to do them, well there’s no internet, no internet in the studio, so look like we’re gonna watch them on this, uh, phone, as she asks her questions live. Uh no, it’s not there. It’s over here. Uh, right about here. Great. Well, here she is. Um, play?
SH: (Holds phone up to ear)
PN: We don’t know what she’s asking. Only Sean does. You’ll get your chance in a minute.
SH: Well, really what she asked was, “How attractive are you?” And clearly the answer is-
PN: (Hold phone up to computer mic, however it is inaudible) Here we go, here we go-
SH: No, no- Can we not? Can we not! Can we not?! (Trying to remove phone from mic area)
PN: Her question will simply be edited in, and we’ll do that later.
(Cut away to Kat Brewer’s question, obviously played in the wrong order)
Kat Brewer: Second question. What would you want your catchphrase to be? And finally, if someone were to write a biography about you, what would the description on the back of the book say?
(Cut back to interview)
SH: Well, really what she’s asking is how amazing are you, and-
PN: Yeah! Okay, fair enough, that’s, uh, probably the question.
SH: Clearly the answer is: Amazing.
PN: Amazing.
SH: Amazing. Times two.
PN: He’s a national hero.
SH: Times two. I am a national hero.
PN: National treasure.
SH: I am a leader of dolphins.
PN: Saved us from aliens, zombies, that would have come from Chancellor Gallegator, uh, through the butterfly project that would have solved cancer through the vagina semens.
SH: It makes sense, if you don’t think about it.
PN: Makes sense even if you do! Except for the pineapples, uhh, loose ends? Loose change, even? Now, she also asks a second question. Here you go.
(Cut to “second” question from Kat Brewer)
Kat Brewer: Hi Sean! Great job so far, I’m last year’s Kampuss Kutie, and I have a couple of guest questions for you. First of all, what would your theme song be?
(Cut back to interview)
PN: What was the second question?
SH: “What would my theme song be?”
PN: What’s his theme song? There ya go! What a question! Thanks last year’s Kampuss Kutie, Kat Brewer!
SH: What would my theme song be?
PN: Yes, that’s the question.
SH: Tha-thank you. I would- you know, all music? All music is my theme song. Cuz I’m not, I’m not simple enough to be broken down to one song. All music is me.
PN: Just all music?
SH: All music is my theme song.
PN: Exceptional. The man is incredible. Mister Sean Harrington. All music-
SH: All music is my theme song.
PN: -is, is his theme song. Now, uh, we need to check if we have time for our lightening round of questions. Um, we’re going to be pulling up our lightening round, uh, in just a second here. We’re going to- do you want to take a little breather?
SH: No! Let’s go, let’s go.
PN: Okay, well we weren’t going to take a breather either way. Just so you’re aware. Pull this up here, uh, golly, just don’t look at it, okay? Um, you’re gonna sort of turn, so that you can’t be seeing the questions. Okay, so just, uh, kinda turn. Make sure you still cheat out a little bit so your face can be seen by the camera- Welp, that’s not the right page. Going to the, uh, there we go, maybe I’ll just edit all this, or not. Probably not.
SH: No…let’s not.
PN: Okay! Now! Uh, make sure, okay, turn, let’s get a good look from him, yup, hmm, poor, poor, poor editing. Great! Ah! For the, uh- we put everybody through this, same questions every time, on our Kampuss Kutie Redemption Shows. Tell me what you want what you really, really want. Go! No more than five seconds on each question.
SH: Friendship.
PN: Great! Uh, I wonder, wonder, who-o-o-o, who wrote the book of love?
SH: I did.
PN: Great! Uh, Who put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp?
SH: You did.
PN: Who, uh, Have you ever seen the rain?
SH: No.
PN: Do you know the way to San Jose?
SH: No.
PN: Who are you? Who? Who?
SH: What- What am I?
PN: Okay, uh, Where have all the flowers gone?
SH: Ireland.
PN: Does anybody really know what time it is?
SH: Not really, no.
PN: Why does it hurt when I pee?
SH: You probably have a UTI.
PN: Who let the dogs out?
SH: Who?
PN: Uh, What’s going o-o-o-on?!
SH: I-I don’t know? I don’t know?
PN: Is she really going out with him?
SH: Yes?
PN: Fine. How deep is your love? I really mean to know.
SH: Not that deep.
PN: Will you still love me tomorrow?
SH: Probably not.
PN: Is this the end? My only friend, the end?
SH: Yes.
PN: And for a hundred dollars! What is the theme of thiiiiis lightening round?
SH: Songs? From the nineties?
PN: Hm. Close enough. You don’t win a hundred dollars, though, cuz we don’t have funding! Alright, now, to ride us out, any closing statements? I think we’ve really- I think that, uh, together we’ve really revealed to the, to the public who felt so betrayed for so many years. They lost their cure for cancer. But that was the only way. And now, after five years, you realized that it’s time to come clean. People need to know that you saved them all from zombies of alien origin. That we’re safe now. But that maybe those pineapples carry our doom. Giving you the closing statements here. What would you like to tell them all at home?
SH: (Thoughtfully pregnant pause) It wasn’t me. Thanks, Shaggy.
PN: Wow! What a time to be alive! Uh, From fame, to infamy, to the Pittiful News Kampuss Kutie! This is B.D. Wahlberg, signing off.

Dear Danezie

Dear Danezie,
My roommate keeps drinking all of my soy milk without asking me if it’s okay beforehand. We are really good friends and I don’t know how to bring it up without making things weird. What should I say to her?
Sincerely, Uncomfortable

Dear Uncomfortable,
I am so glad that someone has finally brought this up. I agree with you- we should all be meninists. Women have never been oppressed the way white, heterosexual, cisgender men have. Historically speaking, men have always been paid less for the same work as women. Some say that this is the male’s fault, because they choose to get easy degrees in the arts and humanities, while females are the much smarter scientists and engineers. Others acknowledge that women need to be paid more because they are the breadwinners, while the man’s place is truly in the home, bearing and taking care of the children on their paid paternity leave.
What really offends me to my core, however, is that the inalienable reproductive rights of men are a constant public discussion. Politicians with no understanding of the male reproductive system are choosing how and what birth control the public has access to. Men don’t have a single say in the matter where serious limitations are constantly being made to their healthcare. The majority of females do not seem to understand that there are many different health reasons for men wanting to go on the pill. That being said, sometimes people want access to birth control just because they enjoy having sex and don’t want to get pregnant. Shame on them! Exploring your sexuality in a safe way is unnatural.
The meninist movement has been going on for decades, arguably centuries. Off the top of my head, I can name at least 10 prominent meninist figures in history. Universities around the world offer countless courses on men’s studies for a reason. Uncomfortable, don’t be ashamed to call yourself a meninist; it’s not a bad word. I’m sure your mother would be proud to know that after going through 17 hours of labor for you, you now self-identify as a proud meninist. It gives me hope that for once, people are finally starting to realize that all meninists want is equality.



New Therapy Bees “Less Effective” Than Therapy Dogs, Some Say

By Jake Muldowney

Most Pitt students have, at one point or another, gone to the therapy dog sessions at the Cathedral of Learning. Frolicking puppies are often just what students need to make it through a stressful week of class, or recover from a long weekend of binge drinking and devil worship. Therapy dogs, however, are often challenging to train and in very high demand. Pitt administration, wanting only the best for its students, have thus implemented a new initiative: therapy bees.
“It turns out that there is literally nothing preventing someone from calling any old swarm of bees a valuable therapy tool” said Beatrice Apia, who is currently spearheading the program. “So, on every Thursday, we are now proud to say we will be releasing between 1 and 3 thousand of these adorable little buzzers into the lobby, stairways and bathroom stalls of the Cathedral of Learning! Developing a close relationship with bees is one of the most important things in life, as one day, we will likely live together as equals.”

While Ms. Apia is buzzing with excitement, some students are unhappy with this new development. When pressed for comment, Freshman Leon Carpenter told the Pittiful News “OH MY GOD THEY’RE EVERYWHERE, THE BEES ARE IN MY HAIR, PLEASE STOP THIS.” Other students are more receptive to their bee brethren. Senior Mark O’Donnell told us “I was very nervous before the Bee Release today, but once Ms. Apia introduced me to Zzyzyzax, God-Queen of the Great Bee Swarm, I really picked up on the vibe of what was going on here.” O’Donnell’s mouth then opened widely, gushing forth a tide of black and yellow insects.

Spoon Assassins Log

By Jake Muldowney
Day 1: Mike the RA told me about this Spoon Assassins game he’s planning. Sounds like a fun time, and the meeting is tonight. I’m not busy, maybe I should check this out. If I’m lucky, Emma might even be there.
Day 2: The game is going to be underway, actually a lot of people on the floor are participating. My roommate Jim, like 6 people in my stats class I didn’t even know lived on the floor, and, of course, Emma. Hopefully she doesn’t get too into this and stops wanting to hang out. Rules are pretty simple, if someone catches you holding a spoon and then “stabs” you, you’re out. Wish me luck!
Day 3: Wow, like 4 people got out last night. I haven’t really been paying attention that much, any of them could’ve been me. Better keep an eye out, I’d look pretty dumb if I went out this early. Also, Emma said yes to lunch this Friday, I’m so excited!
Day 5: Had to sleep somewhere else last night, couldn’t update the journal. I think Jim is planning something, I saw him with a spoon earlier and now it’s gone. What if it’s in my backpack or something?
Day 6: Jim is one of Them now, I’m sure of it. He’s got spoons where spoons shouldn’t be. He thinks I don’t see them but I see them. I see all of them. The world spirals out around me, and it’s spoons all the way down. Nobody can be trusted. Nobody.
Day 7: Lunch was today and Emma ordered a soup and it came with a spoon. A spoon. Why would she get something like that? Doesn’t she know They could be anywhere, waiting in the shadows with spoons gleaming, ready to strike. How can she feel so secure what does she know that I don’t know what does she know about the spoons.
Day 8: Jim is dead. I looked into his eyes and stabbed him, spooned him right there in the shower. It wasn’t even hard, nobody ever looks for a spoon in their shampoo bottle.
Day 10: I was out last night, waiting. There’s only three of us left, Emma, Mike and I. The spoons speak to me, they tell me the secrets they know, secrets of oatmeal and stew. They reflect the world as the warped place it is, where the only truths are the spoons themselves and whoever controls them. The spoons are my assassins now, all of them. The spoons speak to me, I am their champion. The spoons speak to me.
Day 11: Emma is dead. We had our second date today. She ordered soup, again. She must have known, must have. The second she picked up the spoon to eat, I got her right there. The look on her face as she realized what was going on was one of pure fear. Or maybe confusion, it is sometimes hard to tell.

Day 12: It is over, it is done, I am the spoon god and they all know. Having destroyed all the usurpers, I may now go about clad in spoon chainmail, the spoons singing their clanking song with every step. The spoons still speak to me, acknowledging my apotheosis, my godhead. RA Mike was child’s play, once I planted a spoon in a wine bottle and left it outside his room. His senseless devotion to duty let me spoon him like the pretender he was. I have become one with the spoons. I am spoons, and spoons are me.

College Freshman Regrets Telling Mom Anything About Her Life, Ever

By I.S. Mills

Andrea Saunders, 18, a freshman at the University of Pittsburgh, regrets telling her own mother anything about her life.

“I mean, I think I’m just going to tell her like, really superficial things from now on,” said the teen in an exclusive interview.

Saunders says her trouble started when she got a urinary tract infection while at school- something she is prone to. Saunders told her mom to expect a charge to her insurance during one of their weekly phone conversations, as she planned to visit an emergency care clinic later that day.

“As soon as I brought it up she just freaking went to town. ‘Are you wiping back to front? You know you have to wipe front to back.’ Like, yes mom, I know how to fucking wipe my ass. Don’t you think there would have been a major problem at this point in my life if I had been wiping my ass wrong for eighteen years?”

Saunders also alleged that her mom interrogated her about her sexual habits. “She asked if I knew to pee after sex, and I was like, yeah, obviously. Christ,” said Saunders.

The complaints go on. “Last night she got on my case too. I got a ride back to Pittsburgh from a girl in my music ensemble, and she told me not to accept rides from strangers. Like, A) this ride is free, and B) she’s an eighteen year old marimba player from WVU named Marissa.”

Saunders does not plan to tell her mother about the homeless man who hit on her earlier this week, nor about the all-nighter she pulled studying for a calculus exam. The student is quite convinced that her mother will twist these events into potentially catastrophic situations.

“She just doesn’t need to know,” says Saunders.

Review: B.D Wahlberg’s Review of Roger Ebert’s Review of “Spice World”

By Cassandra DellaCorte

Last month, some movie review reviewer 
named B.D Wahlberg gave Roger Ebert’s review of the Spice Girls movie, Spice World, one half of a star. Guess what else deserves a low rating? Wahlberg’s review. They obviously think they’re being clever by name-dropping another epic band feature, but the true irony comes from Wahlberg’s critique of Ebert’s critique. While Wahlberg is entirely correct that Spice Girls music is “…absolutely necessary,” they use 263 words to nitpick Ebert’s review, when they could have accomplished this in seven: Ebert missed the point of Spice World.

But this review isn’t about how ridiculously wonderful Spice World is, it’s about how Wahlberg’s review of Roger Ebert’s review doesn’t deserve even two out of four stars. They are a person who just pulls out a template for reviews of movies they don’t want to like and plugs in key words from the review. All we can do is be as petulant as Wahlberg is and quote their quote in their cop-out of a conclusion: “Words fail me as I try to describe my thoughts…” 

See B.D. Wahlberg’s Review: Roger Ebert’s Review of “Spice World”:

See Roger Ebert’s Review of “Spice World”: