By Riley Weber
Space exploration agency NASA revealed groundbreaking new information this week with the discovery of like, soooooo many new planets. Regina Martez, one of the NASA scientists crucial to the discovery, couldn’t believe her own findings. “God damn dude, look at all these planets we found. This is some crazy shit. Like, fuck.” 
The exoplanets discovered are very similar to earth in atmosphere and temperature, which could mean a great deal in the search for life outside of Earth. Reggie McMann, a local astrology enthusiast, had a unique perspective on the news. “Shiiiit man. You know there’s gotta be aliens and shit over there, man. I see them sometimes, dude. It’s only a matter of time before they come over to say hey.” McMann also began discussing his ideas on the possibility that the Earth may be flat, but we told him that we had a dentist appointment we had to get to and left in a hurry. Continue reading
The Pitiful News 