I was in Cancun this week. I don’t know how I got here but hey, I’m gonna live it up while I search for clues. Many people don’t know this but Cancun is in Argentina, you know where Maria from West Side Story immigrated from. As they say in their native tongue Bon Jour or more commonly Bon Jovi. It is nice and warm here, there are palm trees everywhere and a bunch of hot chicks and babes. That is what I call the parrots and baby raccoons that roam the streets. All of those are great things, but there is one thing that I don’t like about being here. I keep seeing Ted Cruz.
I am not joking; he is everywhere I go. It is like he is following me. Every time I look in the mirror he is right there. This has of course put a damper on my surprise vacation but I have been working hard to distance myself from him. I found these two little girls who were out of school so I decided to chaperone them while they were at the beach. This was the most peaceful time of my trip because I left my phone inside the hotel room that was booked in Ted Cruz’s name. I am constantly getting messages about how Ted Cruz is being bad. I don’t remember following him on twitter or turning on my notifications for when he is mentioned. Come to think of it I don’t remember making a twitter. But my having a twitter is beside the point because apparently Ted is doing a poor job helping Texas.
I don’t know much about Texas, I have only been there once and that was the time I was on the lamb with Bugs Bunny, long story. I decided to look into what was happening in Texas, to do so I had to open twitter. When I did, I noticed that I had missed a bunch of messages from ‘@realdonaldtrump’ telling me how ugly my wife is. This shocked me because I was keeping my engagement to my cousin’s hamster a secret, I told like 2 people that we eloped. Other than that, I noticed that there is a big snow storm in Texas, and like all over the country. Right then I got a call from someone claiming to be my publicist and telling me that I need to give a statement about why I took a trip so I told her “I would never leave Texas during such a difficult time unless it was of the utmost importance. And it was. I had just seen Coco and wanted to see if it was true. If skeletons were real. If guitars were real. I had to know”.
Once I was off that impromptu phone call I went and checked my email and got an email from Rush (his email was email@example.com), it said “Hey Teddy Bear, great job on that insurrection, you really gave our lizard overlords a run for their money. Yours forever, Mount Rushmore”. I find it endearing that the zodiac killer has such a cute nickname. Right then everything clicked. The reason why I was suddenly in the same place that everyone says Ted Cruz is, why he always appears when I look in the mirror, why I seem to have Ted Cruz’s phone, why I am in Ted Cruz’s body, why I have been sleeping with his very ugly wife and spending so much time with his 2 daughters. I must be on some undercover top-secret mission for some foreign government, either that or I have somehow freaky Friday-ed into ted Cruz’s body, either way this article will self-destruct in
I found myself walking down the street last Tuesday. It was a good thing, too, as I had lost myself three days prior and was getting worried.
That’s when it hit me. A wall of harmonized vocals assaulted my ears and made me crave for a groovy day of surfing on a California beach. It was a familiar sound, as I had previously been lured into a back alley by the legendary Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys with this very surf rock sound, and once more it acted as a siren song. Against my better judgement I was drawn to the sound’s source, another dark alley.
My sight was limited by the darkness, but I could make out a lump in the shape of Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys slumped on the ground. The music stopped, and the Brian Wilson- shaped lump winced in pain, as if the music had been sustaining him. And now, it seemed, the vintage 60’s-era radio was out of his reach.
“Help Me, Rhonda,” he gasped, noticing my presence. Despite not being Rhonda, I turned the radio back on. The lump, already much more energized, stood, and formed the distinctive shape of Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. He held his hand out to me, and asked, “Do You Wanna Dance?”
I politely declined, but he egged me on. “Dance, Dance, Dance,” he said, getting angrier with each repetition.
His eyes were now filled with hate, for I would not dance with him. He puffed up his chest, beat his fists, and crack his back. He was going to beat me up! Or, as he put it: “Bull Session with the ‘Big Daddy’.”
He charged. But, of course, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys is a 78-year-old man, which I told him, but he only said, “I’m So Young.” I can assure you, he was not so young.
It took him about two minutes of shambling to get to me. That might not seem like a lot but we were merely six feet away from each other. Then he clocked me, with a surprisingly solid left hook, knocking me to the ground.
“Don’t Hurt My Little Sister,” he said threateningly. I didn’t know what he meant by that, since I didn’t even know Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys had a little sister, but I assumed, by the way it was said, that it was a threat.
I struggled to get up. “Fun, Fun, Fun,” he said, mocking me. Then he kicked my shins, knocking me down once again.
“Do It Again,” he said, goading me to try standing up again. Taking the hint, I stayed down. “Wonderful,” he said as he walked jauntily out of the alleyway, seemingly getting jauntier with every step.
As for me, I writhed in pain on the pavement. I could feel myself getting older, wiser, and more musically inclined. The only thing keeping me alive was the vocal harmonies of myself, my brothers Dennis and Carl, our cousin Mike Love, and our friend Al Jardine. I knew that, when the music ended, I would soon perish.
I was dejected, demoralized, and yet the only words I could force out of my mouth were: “I Just Wasn’t Made for These Times.”
So as all of you lovely scum of the earth people who read my articles know, I am a cult expert. You may also know that The Pittiful News is a cult, if you did not know that, read my article about that very topic. Since I have made it clear that I am knowledgeable about being in a cult and have been open about being in many cults, I decided I would give all of you a quiz. Below I have put a list of things that are real things that have happened to me during a cultic encounter, others are fake scenarios of something that could happen in a cult, and the rest will be non-cult related activities real or fake.
1. Snapped on someone’s hands, then had them snap on mine, then we both rubbed out hands together and blew on each other.
2. Sat around a table while chanting a monotonous tune that has been ingrained in my head for my entire life, then an object is presented and is subsequently lit on fire, I am then made to stab this object only seconds after it has been extinguished, the group then all joyously eat this sacrifice.
3. I was forced to skin an animal with my bare hands and then wear its skin for weekly rituals.
4. I was blindfolded and taken by force. Once I awoke, I was surrounded by many familiar faces. I had been seeing a lot of these men for a while. They always referred to me as ‘brother’ then they had me drink a chalice of their blood. I questioned the safety of this activity and was smacked with a wooden object that had indents no bigger than ping pong balls. That is the last thing I remember before I woke up in my room wearing a red robe drenched in my blood as well as theirs.
5. I was forced to tattoo a series of symbols on my skin. Even weirder, these symbols glowed. When I touched them, they made me faster, stronger, and more agile. The others with similar markings told me that I must use these gifts to fight anyone with demon blood.
6. One time when I went to the supermarket these people approached me and pretended to be from the musical “Book of Mormon”. It was weird, they were not even that good at singing. I have seen that show multiple times and they did not know the script very well.
7. I was wandering through the forest and I noticed many animals standing around in a circle. As I got closer, they did not seem to mind, which is normal as I am a vegan so animals trust that I mean them no harm. I noticed that their eyes were glowing purple. I then heard a voice in my head saying it was the deer standing in the circle. I listened and discovered that this was a group of ancient animals with powers. To force me to not reveal their secret the made me believe it was all a dream, but I know it was real, oh no, a deer, no, noooooo, ahhhhhhhh,
To find the answers, find the wish fish. He is hidden in a sock at the bottom of a great lake. He holds the answers you seek.
A new Pittsburgh-based theater group named “Corona Players TK” is debuting their first show this weekend.
The show, which is still untitled at the time of writing, is described as “an exploration of the human nervous system in these highly unprecedented times.”
“From email-writing to web-surfing, from Zoom meetings to Teams meetings, all of the activities of the modern millennial in the age of COVID are dramatized,” says director Leslie Goopenburg. This is Goopenburg’s first directorial adventure, as well as the stage debut of 80% of the cast. (The other 20% have never acted before in their lives.) “It’s an incisive look into the tedium and ennui of the everyman.”
Goopenburg, who also worked as stage manager, assistant director, marketing team, and cast exorcist, says the bags under her eyes are purely cosmetic. “The Corona Players don’t have the budget for Zoom Premium,” she confessed, so cast and audience members alike will be experiencing the show in forty-minute intervals.
I was lucky enough to sit in on a dress rehearsal (also the first rehearsal with the entire cast), featuring Makayla Malchanteur and Kyle Monotone. The entirely-improvised soundtrack, which is made up primarily of a capella singing over the three chords Goopenburg can play on the piano, almost approaches having a time signature about half an hour into Ms. Malchanteur’s seventeeth solo.
Instead of recording several takes to perfect their performance, the group prefers a “raw, connected” experience of watching nothing but their own faces for three hours straight. every techincal difficulty will be included “as an ode to the American Dream”.
“It’s really harnessing the power of technology in a way that no other theaters are doing,” says Monotone. “We’re like pioneers of the Zoom performance.” Another member of the cast, Nathan Bocaza, added: “Watching actors perform on-screen is an entirely new experience. Everyone wants to gather around the 13-inch screen and watch together, even though they’ll all be separate, unable to hear or see each other.”
“Where else besides Zoom can you see twenty-nine indistinguishable and unmemorable amateur theater groups perform their collaborative dramatic abortions?”
Mr. Monotone believes in the restorative power of theater. “After a long day of staring at screens for work and school, the first thing people want to turn to for entertainment is that same screen. Never gets old.” He also assured me that sitting alone on your couch is the “exact same experience” as going out to see live theater.
“In the end, you’re getting an even better deal: same level of professionalism, more convenience. We even charge the same!”
Recently I have decided to begin one of the most ambitious projects the Pittiful News has ever seen. For the last few months, this has been my one goal, my drive, the thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. And yet, I’ve been let down. Indeed, America has been let down, my loyal readers, for my dreams of starting an interview segment have fallen flat as neither Joe Biden nor Donald Trump have responded to my requests for interviews. In November, when everything was all happy and hunky dory, I decided it would be a good time to email the two of them and ask if they wanted to come on my show. We’re a comedy newspaper, but I assured them that the jokes would be lighthearted and strictly apolitical. It would be a fun time, I promised. And yet, neither one of them could give me a simple “no” (or, more desirably, a “yes”). And so, in lieu of an actual interview, I will present to you a few of my questions, and you can make up their answers for yourself.
QUESTIONS FOR JOE BIDEN
When you’re waiting for something, do you often say that you are ‘Biden’ your time? If your image was on a silly hat, in what pose would you prefer to be immortalized? May I call you Joey Bides when I’m telling my mom about this interview later? Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party? If Kamala Harris mysteriously goes missing in upstate New York next Friday, would you consider choosing me as your next VP? Do you agree with the observation that your face has gotten longer over the years? And, if so, why the long face? How does it feel being nobody’s first choice for president? Why isn’t bolder action being taken with Democrats holding the presidency and majorities in both chambers of the legislature? Do you keep a nightlight on to ward off Mitch McConnell, who is known to lurk in darkness? Have you ever seen Obama naked?
QUESTIONS FOR DONALD TRUMP
Both of us came dressed with the middle name John so obviously one of us has to change. That wasn’t a question, but what if it was? If you know that everyone thinks your skin is orange-hued, why do you keep using that orange spray tan? Literally everybody says it looks bad. This seriously baffles me. Were your feelings truly hurt by Facebook commenters calling you “Drumpf”? Do you agree that Donald is a silly name, or are you used to little kids giggling behind your back at this point? Same question as the last one, but replace Donald with Trump. Had your mob succeeded in hanging Mike Pence, who was at the top of your list as replacement VP? Was it me? Did someone many years ago dare you to say the word “tremendous” once for every woman you’ve sexually assaulted? Did you intentionally propagate the lie of election fraud or were you too stupid and egotistical to realize you actually lost? Would you rather the history books say you lost the election because you were unlikeable or because you failed in the response to a pandemic and left hundreds of thousands of Americans to die, meanwhile stoking the flames of a culture war of your own creation? Have you ever seen Rudy Giuliani naked?
Like most people, I had high hopes for the new year. If 2020 bad, 2021 good, right? It’s the natural conclusion to draw. So on my socially distanced new years eve get together, when the clock struck midnight, my guests and I immediately ripped off our masks and kissed each other on the mouth. Covid was over, we had made it; or so I thought.
About a week later, I got a call from a friend of mine who had caught covid. At first I thought I was being pranked. I mean, covid? In 2021? Impossible! But it was true, as I soon discovered after testing positive myself. Apparently we couldn’t just casually kiss our friends again yet. And this, I was willing to accept. Maybe I had gotten it wrong, maybe January 1st wasn’t the day everything was going to change. Because on January 1st, the orange man was still president. So I turned my hope towards the inauguration. Once America’s top girlboss Kamala and sweet innocent ex-racist Joe were in office, covid would surely go running for the hills.
Imagine how shocked I was to find out that on Joe’s first day as president, thousands of people still managed to contract the virus. Unbelievable. I was heartbroken. I had voted, yelled at my friends on facebook, reposted cute instagram infographics to get this man into office, and he couldn’t even do me the solid of ending this suffering? I had plans to go see the music man revival on broadway in february. The one with Sutton Foster!
After about a week of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to do something about it. I focused on what I could control in a situation that felt uncontrollable. And what I could control was my ability to use my parent’s connections to acquire citizenship in Australia. Now, covid seems like a silly thing of the past. And it goes to show you the value of working with what you’ve got in order to overcome insurmountable obstacles.
So my message for those of you feeling hopeless or depressed about this deadly virus is to simply don’t. Depression is nothing but a mindset, something holding you back from achieving your true potential. Anyways, I’ve got plans to go clubbing. Yeah, that’s right, clubbing. Jealous? I would be too. But stay strong, it’s honestly not that bad as everyone is making it out to be. Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you all. It was hard for me to be this open and vulnerable, but I hope I’ve inspired you all to follow in my footsteps, and become the change you wish to see in the world.
Contact tracers again… apparently I was “exposed” to “someone” with “COVID”. Not falling for that shit. How do they know my friend who recently tested positive? He must have put them up to this.
Bird Watches. Watches for birds.
Offers to sell me back my own liver at a markup.
The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. Remember to run in a straight line,and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
1-800-588, 2300, EMPIIIIIIRE
Presidential Alert System: THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed.
Are you afraid of the concept of cats with swords for limbs? If so, please press 1.
Jehovah’s witnesses CALL now! I was so very pleasantly surprised that Covid safety was being held at such a high priority.
“I’m helping to conduct a survey. Would you mind answering a few questions? Yes? Great! First, am I gonna die?”
Your computer has a virus, and only I can cure it– for a low, low price of 500 dollars US exclusively in Apple Store gift cards.
We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“Hello, this is the pole lickers fan club, may we speak to Lord Tyler”, “This is he”, “We are huge fans of your work, can you come lick some poles near us”, “I can lick street poles, people from Poland, or any of your local polling places” “All of the above please”
“If you like piña coladas, and gettin’ caught in the rain”
Some dweeb keeps calling me and saying he works for the “IRS” and I’m being “audited.” What does that even mean, Idiot Rescue Services? If you fall for a scam like that you’re really just bringing it upon yourself.
Dear Gabriella, you have been randomly selected to participate in a student satisfaction Web survey of undergraduate students at the University of Pittsburgh. As a token of our appreciation for your efforts, we will enter you into a drawing for one of four iPad minis. The winners will be chosen after the survey is completed. By participating in this survey, you can let the University know what you think about your educational experiences and the quality of campus life. This will provide us with valuable insight as to how to improve services for present and future students.
My name isn’t Gabriella.
“Would you be interested in donating your legs, toes and/or other body parts to children in need?” -a call from a guy who sounded suspiciously like the Winklevoss twins from The Social Network.
Hello my name is David and I am looking for a friend. Will you be my friend? Please?
“Do you find yourself struggling to finish your homework and find motivation for your online classes? Lmao, same”
Sometimes I get random ones in chinese but I don’t know any chinese (just imagine I wrote this in chinese).
Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture.
Hello this is a hitman agency. We will take out Tyler Sikov for free, if you so desire.
“Hey, this is your boss calling, again. You still haven’t come in and it’s been five days. If you skip work again so you can spend more time on Reddit, we are gonna fire you.”
01785 276126, they called me to tell me I had died.
Affirmative. The target is in sight.
Hello, it’s me, I’ve been wondering if, after all of these years, you’d like to meet, to go over everything, they say time heals you but I haven’t done much healing.
Hey girlboss! Are you tired of your 9-5? Do you wanna create your own schedule on your own terms? Well, I can show you how by selling tacky leggings! It’s so simple and easy and definitely financially sound.
A very nice man from Nigeria asked me to wire him some dollars US.
Gently used and refurbished casket salesman. You wouldn’t think that would be a booming industry, but apparently a lot of folks opt for cremation at the last second.
Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS, and I’m new in town.
Baby shoes for sale. Never worn, but they could be soon! What size are your baby’s feet?
HI NUMBER NEIGHBOR!!!! MY NAME IS— *click*
Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας.
Hello, how are you? Have you been alright through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely nights?
Hey! How you feelin’? Are you still the same? Don’t you realize the things we did, we did, were all for real, not a dream? I just can’t believe they’ve all faded out of view. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh.
Hot Singles In My Area??? Yes Please!
Excuse me yes hello I am looking for an companion would you be interested in having a sugar daddy?
Jolene? Jolene. Jolene! Jolene! I’m begging of you please don’t take my man.
Hey what’s up you guys? Yes! Welcome back to my channel. Today’s video is sponsored by naturebox. Naturebox is—
Hot dog, fall out of bun, into sewer drain
“Hello, is this the esteemed Lord Tyler” “Yes, yes this is”, “Hello, we found that you are entitled to a stake in the queen’s fortune when she dies.” “Oh yes, that makes sense as I am a lord.”, “We already have your bank routing number, we will send you the money once she passes.” “Thank you.”, “Oh, one more thing, we’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty–”
“Yes I like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain…”
“I’m the Viper, I have come to Vipe your vindows”
I got this one at 2 am, a cold caller at that hour
“Hello, Lord Tyler, this is your ex-husband’s divorce attorney, Max Smith esq., we have reason to believe that you have murdered your ex, we understand that he sucked, I mean the only reason we kept him around was for the money, so I don’t blame you, but, your child support is still due for the 17 deer he purchased and convinced the Supreme Court of the United States are legally his biological children.
“Hi sweetie, this is your grandmother.” “Shut up you old hag, stop calling me!”
This was not a telemarketer, I just hate my grandmother