President Obama Forced to Explain the Debt Ceiling to Vice President Biden with Sock Puppets

In a last-ditch maneuver to help Vice President Biden understand the causes and implications of the national debt, President Obama resorted to putting on a one act sock puppet play entitled “Mr. Fuzzy Owes Fed. Chairman McDoodly” so that that the VP may finally understand the nation’s dire financial situation.

Biden’s reaction to the play was quite positive. “I really liked the socks,” reviewed Biden, “Some of them were red and then some of them were blue.” “The Pittiful News” wanted to make sure that the Vice President had indeed gained some valuable knowledge from the performance. We pressed the Vice President further to elaborate on his reaction. Biden responded, “Well, a long while back, Barack made me sit through a flip-book series he made about military spending called ‘Thomas the Anti-Tank Missile’, but I though the sock play was way, way better. I wasn’t even afraid of that mean old brown sock, Private Interest CEO Snuggly-Poo. Okay, I was kind of scared but then Barack poked his head from behind the stage and I figured out HE WAS CONTROLLING THE PUPPETS THE WHOLE TIME. Oh, sheesh. You better believe I was relieved.”

Vice President Biden told reporters that thanks to Obama’s play, he now has full confidence that he and his staff can protect the “econo-fluffies” from “Stripey, the Big Bad Deficit Stocking”.

Looking for an Alternative to ObamaCare? Try BidenCare!

While the Affordable Care Act website undergoes maintenance due to a few glitches, Vice President Biden would like to remind voters that he himself established a federally-funded healthcare option in 1996 called Uncle Joe’s Cheap-Ass Doctor 9000.

Biden’s healthcare plan covers the following:
1.      Getting your head stuck in the presidential limo sunroof
2.      Sneezing out an entire Corn Nut
3.      Eating a boogery Corn Nut
4.      Straining your back reaching for shiny things
5.      Drying out your eyes from staring contest with the Lincoln statue
6.      Toenails just keep falling off
7.      Drinking entire bottles of Pepto in one go – what kind of pansy doesn’t finish the whole damn thing?
8.      Clicky dentures
9.      Asking the doctor for a bump of some of those happy-dappy pills
10.  Syphilis

Google Translate Special Report: Federal Government Ropening

Pressed by deadlines, The Pittiful News hired Google Translate to write some of our more time-sensitive articles about the reopening of the federal government. Please, be patient with Google Translate. This is the best it could do.
            Good Sabbath, the Congresses have settled. Between Obama’s President and Paul’s Ryan both decide is not a-go the government. More news to say from the Parliamentary man, “It’s much of a problem but the a answer did appear.”

            It’s bad news! Who did a thought the United Taste government couldn’t implant such memory problem solution in just the Nicholas of time. At the eleven hour, the members cancelled a empowered Obamacare and decided the good of health is but for passing concern. Must we fight! Cries from mountain top as Congressmen Juan McCain and Speaking Boehner paint the new budget bill. They want taxes less but want to money more. “It’s the crazy”, replied Obama.

            No good, no well, no hope for the federal oven mitt. “Congress must perform because many jobs make occupations Americans desperately won’t”, analyzer of new Bill O’Reilly pronounced in camera. One certain for things, the government must act. It’s ridiculous!

New Invention Revolutionizes Communication

“The age of pettiness has finally arrived!” began the Dutch scientist Bettina Sorger’s presentation at the PopTech conference held last week in Camden, Maine.

In 2012, Sorger’s team at Maastricht University developed a mind-reading system that allows people to type without moving or speaking, thereby making communication with completely paralyzed people possible. The team’s newest gizmo, however, is undeniably far more beneficial to humanity.

“Our revolutionary device, called EverybodyCares, allows you to ‘tweet’ by the sheer power of thought,” she announced to the audience’s standing ovation and tweeting. As Sorger smiled and gave thumbs-up, the words “They like it!” appeared on her Twitter feed displayed behind her.

“We were mere brutes,” she went on excitedly, “when we couldn’t instantly share every inconsequential thought and observation that crossed our minds. Suppose you don’t have your phone on you or your hands are busy when you see a cute puppy or have a brilliant thought. You’ll probably forget to tell your friends about it and they will never know how funny and clever you really are. Luckily, EverybodyCares will make that horror a thing of the past.”

The device weighs seven pounds and fits neatly into a large backpack; one wire connects it to the user’s smartphone, another—to the temples. It might be bulky, but Sorger assured that peer pressure and low self-esteem would soon force every cool person to buy an EverybodyCares. Posting a tweet with the device is simple: all you need to do is think the text of the tweet to yourself followed by something to the effect of “Ah damn I wish everyone knew that.”

The news quickly spread beyond the conference and received praise from social critics.

“This is huge,” said Kevin Menlemnen, a world-renowned plumber. “This is more revolutionary than the invention of the printing press. Childish notions like ‘value’ and ‘importance’ used to censor and therefore hinder the spread of information. EverybodyCares is a new chapter in mankind’s progress.”

Recognizing the necessity of the device for the populace, the U.S. government announced 97% funding cuts for the “expensive but useless” medical research in order to fund the development of EverybodyCares.

“The profound advancement in society that the advent of reality TV once brought about is nothing compared to the tremendous potential that EverybodyCares harbors,” a federal official explained.

Foreseeing a question from “those who don’t get it,” Sorger also announced a crucial feature of the device.

“Since nobody will have the time to read all of your countless tweets, EverybodyCares will automatically ‘like’ them from different people’s accounts in a random manner,” she said. “That way, you’ll think that somebody actually reads that garbage.”

Developing the Proper Reading of a Children’s Classic

The National Endowment for the Humanities (NEH) recently awarded Ted Vrenkel, a University of Pittsburgh graduate student in the Department of English, a $50,000 grant in the field of American literature. The modest sum will fund Vrenkel’s current research project titled “Gleksonian dynamics of intrapersonal diffraction in ‘The Cat in the Hat,’” an innovative analysis of the classic but commonly misunderstood children’s book by Dr. Seuss.

“This seminal work of American pre-postmodernism has traditionally been analyzed using the Flennon-Psanti trans-metaromantic approach with traces of technocratic multi-variability,” Vrenkel explained, “but that approach disregards the third quasi-differential modality of Dr. Seuss’s anthropomorphic cat. My comprehensive analysis factors in all of that plus the cylindrical post-Einsteinian integrability of the cat’s hat, thereby promising the most thorough understanding of the book.”

With the book’s instant success upon its publication in 1957 came the heartfelt concerns of literary scholars that children may be overlooking the book’s deeper layers.

“We were worried that our kiddies weren’t picking up on the themes of neuro-humanistic cognitive impenetrability and neo-historical pseudocubism, without which the book is empty fluff,” said Peter Atro, chair of the Committee on Seuss Studies at Harvard. “Our colleague Glekson further complicated the matter by adding dynamics of intrapersonal diffraction to the list, which is why Vrenkel’s brilliant analytic approach is what all of us have long been thirsting for.”

As the committee’s work regains vigor, Atro and Vrenkel plan to collaborate on a children’s book on Gleksonian dynamics of intrapersonal diffraction in “The Cat in the Hat” that they hope will become required reading in all elementary schools.

“This long-awaited straightforward guide will at last allow children to appreciate the book for what it really is,” Atro said.

At the reception ceremony, Vrenkel thanked the NEH for the grant and promised not to let them down.

“The sanity and critical reading skills of American children used to be iffy,” he concluded solemnly. “They are now safe.”

Woman sent to hospital, family blames Miley Cyrus

Linda Simmons, a 46-year-old mother of two, was sent to the hospital earlier this week after she hurt herself rolling her eyes too hard at Miley Cyrus. After hearing Cyrus’ newly released album “Bangerz,” Simmons rolled her eyes with such disdain that they would not return to their natural state.

Her daughter, 15-year-old Susie Simmons is worried about her mother’s condition. “When I was little, she always told me that if I kept rolling my eyes like that, they would stay that way. Why didn’t she listen to her own advice? WHY?” said Susie.

Simmons, like many moms across the country, has been disgusted with the pop star’s recent provocative behavior from the VMAs to her
Rolling Stone cover. While most teenagers seem to be indifferent, mothers cannot seem to help bringing up the issue everywhere from family dinners to book clubs. “She really seems to hate this Molly fellow, so I don’t know why she keeps bringing them up,” said her husband, Phil. “I’m more of Selena Gomez fan myself,” he added.

Susie suspects her mother’s injury might be due to the fact that she is still mourning the death of Hannah Montana. “I mean, I miss her too but everyone has to move on at some point,” she said.

Simmons remains stable, but has not been able to look away from the ceiling for almost two weeks. As of now, doctors have not found a cure for Linda’s condition, but they hope to create an antidote before it plagues others across the nation.