What the Writers of the Pitiful News did for Mother’s Day

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the MILF Lover Associated Press)

• Found my dad (He was just in the milk isle and got distracted while getting the milk)
• A box of chocolates, but all the chocolates are poisoned because love is painful sometimes 
  • “It’s like Mama always used to say. ‘Life is like a box of Chocolates, sometimes you get poisoned’” 
• Gallons upon gallons of lean 
• Went out for some bad Italian food 
• Made a handmade card (glitter bomb)
• Got her (me) Playboy Carti tickets
• Proposed to her 
• A bed
• Breakfast 
• Breakfast in bed 
• Bed in breakfast 
• A new bed to replace the one we ate for breakfast
• Eggs 
• Lizard eggs
• Wrote her a very special song about how much I need more money to spend on drugs (this is the last time I swear)
• A framed picture of her divorce papers 
• Asked her if she thought I was a good person
• Complained
• Made a snide remark about the way she dresses (payback)
• My kids got me a dozen roses
• A macaroni necklace but I got hungry and ate all the macaroni
• A macaroni necklace but the noodles were cooked and it got all soggy and gross
• A macaroni and cheese necklace
  • Made with 100% real string cheese
• I put together some legos and showed my mom a meme 
• Sent a few emails
• Made some babies of my own 
• Bided my time until the old witch passes and I get my share of the family fortune, mwahaha
• Another mom
• Overturned Roe v Wade 
• Made a mess in her room and yelled at her to clean it up 
• Stood in front of the tv that she was trying to watch 
• Leaked a Memo from the Supreme Court 
• Got a mullet just to spite her 
• Your Mom
• My Mom
• My Sister-Cousin-In-Law-Wife 
• Helped my cat give birth to a new litter
• A reminder of how there’s no Child’s day and how completely unfair that is 
• Gaslit her into thinking Mother’s Day was next week to give me more time to come up with a gift
• A tattoo that says “I 🧡 mom”
• A tattoo that says “I fuck goats”
• A huge, tight hug (she got sleepy during the hug but she’ll wake up later)

The Best LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga Easter Eggs You Probably Missed!

By Evan Rafferty

The brand new LEGO Star Wars game is finally here, and it’s everything we’ve been waiting for! Outside of the amazing main storyline, there are TONS of quirky easter eggs hidden around every corner for you to discover! Here are our favorite ones from LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga:

Number One: Emperor Palpatine’s Lightsaber

If, when playing as the one and only Emperor Palpatine, you stand still for a few minutes, the character will accidentally drop his lightsaber! Trying to maintain his cover as Chancellor of the Galactic Republic, he’ll slyly kick it out of the way before anyone notices. How quirky!

Number Two: Secret Salacious B. Crumb Sex Scene

If, when playing as the one and only Salacious B. Crumb, you enter the Mos Eisley Cantina, and enter a secret backroom only accessible by using an altered ROM of the game, you can see a fully animated and voice-acted sensual encounter between Salacious and Greedo! It’s a bit slow, but once those two really get going, this hidden secret is out of this world! ;) Here’s another trick: if you hit B, B, B, Start, Salacious enters what is referred to in the game code as “Joker Mode” and starts going absolutely crazy on Greedo’s weird little antenna ears! Haha!

Number Three: Jizz Music

This isn’t even a secret. It’s not hidden or anything, I just wanted to remind you that George Lucas named the music those weird-looking dudes with the woodwinds play in the Mos Eisley cantina jizz music. Does he know what jizz is? Does he care? I don’t think we’ll ever get the answers to those questions, and in this Star Wars fan’s opinion, I think it’s better that way.

Number Four: Crash by Charli XCX

Did you know that the new hit song by English pop star Charlotte Eckseehex, better known as Charli, is hidden within the LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga menu screen? If you press X, Start, LT, RT, Y, A, B, B, A, X, X, X, X, X, Y, Start, LT, RT, X, Y, A, RT, RB, X, Q, L, the Staples ‘that was easy’ button, X, A, Start, my button, LB, X, Y, and Start, in that exact order, fourteen times, while doing a headspin, then take eight shots of Fireball, and then fracture your left orbital cavity, you can hear the lead single from her new album faintly play in the background! Try it!

Number Five: Dexter Jettster’s Hidden Technique

Here’s a fun one! If you encounter Dexter Jettster on your travels throughout space, you can talk to him about a secret move you can use to take down enemies! All you have to do is subject yourself to agonizing skeletal reorganization and gene therapy to recreate Dexter’s famous four arms, and before you know it, you’ll be able to swat away stormtroopers just like him! You won’t have legs afterward, but you could maybe knuckle around like a gorilla using your new hind arms as springboards! How crazy!

The Most Important Questions Recruiters Will Ask You (And How To Answer Them)

By the Future American Workforce (Formerly the writers of the Pitiful News)

• Why do you want to work for our company?
  • I don’t. I’m infiltrating your office so I can destroy this institution from the inside. You won’t be able to stop me. 
• What’s your favorite color?
  • Blood.
• What would you like to be paid?
  • Money. 
• Do you have any hobbies?
  • Obtaining Blood 
• How will you contribute to a positive workplace?
  • I can play the harmonica. (The recruiter will ask you to play Piano Man.)
• Can you be trusted around explosives and dangerous chemicals?
  • Yes. I love explosives. I mean, I enjoy them the average amount.
• Where are you from?
  • I’m from, you know, around. Here and there. (The recruiter will be intrigued by the mystery of your backstory.)
• How often would you be willing to work overtime?
  • Any time. I would kill my firstborn child for this company. (The recruiter will value loyalty and passion.)
• What’s your Hogwarts house?
  • I’m a Gemini rising. (Most recruiters will value someone who is knowledgeable about astrology.)
• How confident are you in your ability to dodge punches or kicks?
  • Wh- (The recruiter kicks you to test your endurance.)
• What’s your favorite food?
  • Whatever your mom is making for dinner tonight (The recruiter will be flattered that you enjoy their mother’s cooking, missing the sexual innuendo.)
• Would you consent to being monitored throughout the day on your performance at work?
  • Yes. I love when they watch.
• Are you a fan of any sports teams?
  • I’m a huge Steelers fan! (If asked to name your favorite player, panic and say the stupidest, fakest-sounding name that comes to mind, like Ulysees Gilbert III.)
• How confident are you in your ability to avoid sexual harassment citations? 
  • Very.
• Would you agree to be paid in Scooby Snacks?
  • Res.
• Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or ten duck-sized horses?
  • Go for the duck-sized horses. You can jump on top of a nearby dumpster and easily snipe them from above. 
• How would you solve the trolley problem?
  • Personally introduce yourself to everyone on the track, and ask them for a reason why they should be allowed to keep living. No matter the answer, kill them all. Anyone dumb enough to get tied to railroad tracks has it coming.
• Are you willing to commute from Pittsburgh to Texas on a daily basis for this role?
  • Yes. 
• If chosen for this role are you willing to undergo intensive drug tests?
  • Yes, what drugs do you want me to try? I am a very studious person. 
• If chosen for this role are you willing to have your employee id tattooed on your skin to ensure the security of our facility?
  • Yes. 
• Do you have any relevant experience in this field?
  • Uhh, yeah. I invented [field]. 
• What’s your snap score?
  • (Immediately leave the building and never return.)
• How good are you at keeping aliens a secret? Oh, wait, no! Bill, get the mind erasers from the documentary Men in Black.
  • Did you say something? 
• Have you seen the muffin man?
  • The muffin man?
    • The muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?
      • (Immediately leave the building and never return, non-Shrek fans are not to be worked with)
• How competent are you with Microsoft Excel?
  • Well, heh, I guess you could say that I, heh, ha, haha, hahahahaha, hahhahahahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahaaaahhahahahaha, AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA, don’t know how to use it at all.
• Are you familiar with the OSHA regulations of this workplace?
  • OSHA? I hardly know ‘a! (The recruiter will hire you instantly for this timeless joke.)
• F, Marry, Kill: Elmo, Oscar the Grouch, Big Bird?
  • My lust for Oscar the Grouch has no limits so I would f him, I would marry Elmo and kill Big Bird, there is only one Elmo and only one Sscar but Big Bird is easily replaceable by one of his many cousins who are better than him, and some even speak Portuguese. 
• If I a man, transition into a woman and let the homies hit, then I transition back into a guy, does that make the squad gay?
  • What? 
    • Ketanji Brown Jackson, please answer the question.
• How many times did the white team pass the ball?
  • 9!
    • But did you see the gorilla?
      • Yes, I took a psych class!
        • How about the fact that the balls were cake the whole time?
          • Woah!!!! 
• I will give you one marshmallow now but if you can wait until the manager comes to interview you, they will give you another marshmallow.
  • (They don’t know I know this trick) Ok I will wait. (little do they know I brought a bag of marshmallows to this interview like I do everywhere I go in the likely case that I stumble into a hidden camera show or psychology experiment)
• Here at Milgram Tech we like to do interviews a little differently. We want to see how good you are at following directions. So we have an intern in the other room, it is your job to quiz him on various tech things and if he can not answer them correctly you will shock him and define in your own words the actual answer. Every time he gets one wrong you will shock him and every time he gets one wrong the intensity of the shock will go up.
  • Yes sir. 
• Have you ever been published in a satirical or comedic newspaper?
  • No, who would do that, what kind of lame anti-American person would write satire, pssssh not me!