The Future of Presidents’ Day

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Eventually the PiTTTTTTTTTTiful News, the winning wheel of fortune question 4566 ACE (After Common Era))

• Presidents’ Day is disbanded in 2044 after The Incident
• Presidents’ Day is reinstated in 2045 following The Incident 2 now on HBO Max
• Everyone grills kebabs instead of hot dogs
• Future presidential candidates are only allowed to be born on Presidents’ day
• It gets hotter
• I get hotter
• There is no music played to respect the victims of The Incidents and their families
• The 84th Amendment requires all American citizens to party rock
• Rent is even more expensive
• Prohibition 12 removed, because the sale and usage of guacamole is a god given right 
• It becomes an anarchist protest day in the streets of Seattle
• Washington is born again, forcing us to change the holiday
• President Sarah Yule is confirmed for her 27th consecutive term
• The 85th Amendment bans the dougie
  • It also bans teaching others how to dougie
• Pat Sajak still hosts wheel of fortune, selling vowels he does not own to middle age losers across the Multiverses  
• Presidents’ Day becomes a global holiday after the American Empire destroys all borders
• All citizens must sacrifice a goat to the ghosts of presidents past
• The supply chain is still broken
• No school!
• New skin colors drop every 10 Presidents’ days 
• The death penalty is reinstated in 3452 CE2 for those who do not say “big stretch” when a cat stretches  
• My cyber-father calls me every Presidents’ Day to complain about how Presidents’ Day used to be better
• Drink even more beer
• The smoking age is lowered to 12 after President Joe Camel’s first executive order
• The construction in Hillman is finally finished in 2973 CE
• Voters are even more suppressed 
• Election day is still not an intergalactic holiday 
• All citizens must remember the exact order of all presidents or else they will be sent back to 3rd grade 
• The red white and blue color scheme is replaced with pink, yellow, and a deep, haunting, bloody maroon.
• McDonald’s begins selling the Presidential Porridge meal and accompanying toy of your favorite politicians
• Monotheism is outlawed in favor of the Pittiful Pantheon where everyone worships Lord Tyler, the king of the gods, and his many Godlings  
• The Eatery serves many of your favorite presidential-themed foods, such as bread, white bread, english muffins, and bread with a single dark raisin
• Astrology is renounced as a belief system after it is revealed that the stars are flat
• The current U.S. president has to race all other sitting Congressmen to determine who shall reign
• It is accidentally renamed Precedents Day, unprecedentedly. 
• Despite all of the clear warnings in the prophecy Jurassic Park, a dinosaur theme park is opened with real life dinos, this leads to a 5th great ice age as the space ice protectors saved Earth from the dinosaurs before so they will do it again.  
• The president goes on Insta-Face-Meta-Snap-Disney+ Live to address concerns from their citizens
• Pyramids begin to show up again all over the world, some from aliens, others built by earthlings  
• The Council of Presidents decides to eliminate all public transport in 2104 to allow more defense spending
• Every Presidents’ day, a time portal opens and allows anyone who wishes to travel to any other time until the next Presidents’ day where they get to choose to either stay another year, go back to their time, or pick a new time to live in. There are many Back to the Future paradoxes but no one complains because everyone creates paradoxes every once and a while. 
• In 43 CE32 humans have developed 2 additional small lungs and are able to breath through their skin underwater, this is because the world is covered by water after the all of the ice ages caused by people bringing back the dinosaurs which then make the space ice protectors cause another mass extinction flooding the planet more
• Presidents’ day is now daylights savings time part 13 

What We did for Valentine’s Day

By the riders of the Pitiful News

• Sent 20,000 dms asking if girls were free on February 14th 
• Fell to my knees in a Walmart
• Drew myself a nice warm bath and listened to relaxing music. Self love is so important!
• Wrote down every reason why no one will ever love me, ever
• Got one day closer to downloading Tinder
• Called my mom :)
• Saw some guy fall to his knees in a Walmart
• Sat on top of the Cathedral aiming a theoretical sniper scope at any couples I saw
• Watched Love, actually
• Spent the day doing “he loves me, he loves me not” in the Central park rose garden, by the end of the day they ran out of roses 
• Watched Tall Girl 2
• Grew my lust for Oscar the Grouch 
• Met your mother for a tasteful dinner out on the town
• Listened to Blonde by Frank Ocean
• Drank fine wine while admiring the urn of my late ex husband who I killed 
• Saw this guy who saw this guy fall to his knees in a Walmart
• Had a lovely meal with a beautiful racoon, she picked the location, we ate out of the dumpster around the back of a whole foods
  • Fancy!! 
• Queued up my 20,000 “u up?” dms to send out at 1:15 am February 15th 
• My mommy was my valentine
• Thought about you ;)
• Did my annual shave 
• Joined a convent 
• Forgot to watch the Olympics, again
• Spooned with my cat, so just a normal day 
• Pondered the commodification of love
• Bought chocolates
• Hung up my skin after a long day’s work
• Texted my psychiatrist, left on opened
• Left the physical realm never to return
  • You went to Ohio, didn’t you?
    • *Ghostly nods* 
• Bought a wedding ring for attention
• Got sloshed at Nordy’s place, was banned for life
• Participated in 3 flash mobs 
• Prayed to Aphrodite to send me love this year, all i got in return was a quiver of arrows and a small bow 
• Accidentally ruined a first date by assuming they were brother and sister
• Stalked people from my high school on Instagram
• Waited tables at applebees and witnessed 32 proposals
  • So, babes how did it go?
    • All of them said no except this one couple but it was clear that the girl was using him for free healthcare.
• Skipped any song that mentioned love
• Considered getting a septum piercing
• Looked up why it’s called ‘Valentine’s Day.’ Execution is so romantic!
• Read a few chapters of my book, the end of the book sure has a lot of blank pages, I wonder what that is about. 
• Wrote a few chapters of my book. I hope nobody looks forward in the book. Most of the pages are blank, I don’t have to write fast, I just have to write faster than he reads. 
• Began showing symptoms of a mid-life crisis
• Gave myself a pep talk in the mirror to no avail
• Distracted myself with Kanye’s instagram
• Listened to the song Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield (Slow version, Piano Ballad, No autotune) on repeat for 3 hours while cry-eating some cake :( 
• Made a list of anyone who has ever wronged me. Your time will come.
• Overslept my first class, out of love
• Watched The Super bowl reruns, I can’t wait to see what happens to Ron Kostelnik he has a future ahead of him 
• Lost a game of Go Fish to a very pumped trout, turns out I am a great motivator of fish

Unique Food the Eatery Is Feeding Us In These Trying Times

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the 5 time Gold Medalist, Ghengis Khan news)

Dear Student,

In honor of the Winter Olympic Games Beijing 2022, Pitt Eats is sending your palate on a trip around the world! The Eatery will feature a different regional cuisine from Olympic competitors each day until the games conclude on Feb. 20.

• Denmark
  • Boiled flannel shirts
  • Fish sticks
    • Fish dicks 
  • Beanboozled Harry Potter set… just the spinner
  • Danishes made out of real Danish people
• Island of Themyscira
  • Pussy
  • Maracas filled with corn nuts that you smash like a piggy bank
• Western Sahara
  • (leave blank)
• Mexico
  • A single black bean, doused in hot sauce
  • Mexican Pizza (doing what Taco Bell is too pussy to do)
  • Canned corn labeled “maize” 
  • Authentic cane sugar Baja Blast
  • Catering by Chipotle 
• Canada
  • Same food as normal, but you must aggressively thank the server and apologize for bothering them
  • Those fries with the gravy
    • Putin.
•  The Vatican
  • The Pope’s pinky finger (while supplies last)
    • Supplies ran out :(
  • Consecrated Nilla Wafers
• Italy
  • Domino’s Pizza
  • The Mona Lisa
  • Mario’s ass-stache
  • Fuckin’… spaghetti?
    • Spaghettabout it!
•  Philadelphia
  • Wooder ice
  • Cheesed steak
  • Cream cheesh
•  Japan
  • Raw fish in weed(s)
  • Giant squid
• The United States of America
  • FAT BURGER 
  • Shittier remakes of every other food on this list
  • A Camelback backpack full of Hellman’s Mayonnaise
  • Insulin (upcharge)
• Australia
  • sƃƃǝ uʍop-ǝpᴉsdn ǝpᴉs ʎuunS
  • sooɹɐƃuɐʞ ɟo ɥɔnod ǝɥʇ uᴉɥʇᴉʍ uǝppᴉɥ ʇɐǝɯ ɹǝpuǝʇ ǝɥ┴
  • sǝᴉqɐllɐM pǝ’Qqq
• Israel
  •  Israeli Salad: loose cucumbers, tomatoes, and some sand
•  Chile
  • Chili (Piping Hot)
• Germany
  • Luxembourg 
  • Liechtenstein
  • The WURST sausage you’ve ever had
    • Little Deutsch humor for the cultured folk
  • Bier (pronounced like beer because German is English)
• Colombia
  • So THAT’S what happened to Bruno’s rats… 
• Spain
  • Same food as usual but dining halls open at 9pm
  • Nude chicken breasts
  • Bull fillet. Or maybe matador fillet? We don’t know.
    • Yet.
• Turkey
  • Chicken Turkey
• Switzerland
  • Chocolate covered pretzels
  • Chocolate covered Chocolate
  • Chocolate covered Nazi Gold 
  • Chocolate covered Rolex, in white gold
• The left half of France
  • Bagu
• The right half of France
  • ette
• Greenland
  • See: Iceland
• South Korea
  • actual South Korean foods
• North Korea
  • (this bullet point was removed by our glorious leader Kim Jong-Un)
• Russia
  • Jack Daniel’s water ice
  • One cigarette soaked in vo (puff)
    • dka  
  • Berlin Wall
• Slovenia
  • Fun-colored snowcones!
    • Why are they all yellow…
• Czechoslovakia
  • Dust, bones 
• Czech Republic
  • Dust  
• Slovakia
  • Bones
• Greece
  • Anything they can sell us, they need the money 
    • Seriously, I invested in the National Bank of Greece in 2015 with my birthday money… taught me a lesson about financial literacy. My family had a field day. OH, they laughed. They laughed. 
  • Grease 
  • Grease 2
    • Why, it’s GREASED LIGHTNIN’!
•  United Kingdom
  • Literal fucking rocks (English scones) with a side of Lipton tea
  • Any food but Dr. Christian from British TV hit Supersize vs. Superskinny yells at you while you eat it
    • Are you really going to eat that takeaway? It’s absolutely MAMMOTH.
  • Crea and trumpets
  • A lovely buffet around the back of a co-op
  • The most disgusting green paste you’ve ever seen
  • Big communal bowl of marmite
    • We all kiss each other with tongue after we eat from it (to show international solidarity)
• 1492 America
  • Black Death (Y. PESTIS) 
  • Fleas on rats 
  • Guns, germs, steel
• Romania
  • A head of romaine lettuce
  • Meatballs
  • Sadness
• Croatia
  • The coastline of Bosnia and Herzegovina
• The Bikini Atoll
  • A delicious kebab, but radioactive 
• Bikini Bottom
  • Pizza
  • The reason Mr. Krabs is the only Crab in town, aka Krabby Patties
• Somalia
  • Baasto
  • Surbiyaan
  • Sambusas
  • Pirates
• China
  • The vegetable-covered spaghetti that is creatively marketed as “Asian Noodles”
  • Whatever we found dumpster diving behind the local Chinese restaurants
• Taiwan
  • Insert joke about real Chinese food here
• Global Cuisine
  • Deep-fried surgical mask 
  • Tears of international students
• Pittsburgh
  • Steel bars
  • Eatery food (meta?)
• Mars
  • Red sand witches
  • Red salads
  • Communist Manifesto 
• Saturn
  • His son
• Litchfield Towers
  • Twenty four crushed Monster cans
  • Freshman blood
  • TikTok lights as noodles 
• Sutherland Hall
  • The soul of Jock Sutherland
• Antarctica 
  • Ozone-grilled polar bear
  • Ice water
• The Moon
  • Bitcoin
  • Dogecoin
  • KumRocket
  • Jeff Bezos
  • Moon cheese
• Iceland
  • See: Greenland 
• Your mom
  • My ass 
• My ass
  • Your mom
• Hillman Library
  • No food or drink allowed 

Hope to see you there,

The Pitiful News Olympic Committee Panther Central

‘Make it in America’: Biden discusses infrastructure after Frick Park bridge collapse (Updated to contain 74 riders that the senate added but never told the people about and the wise words of a bridge troll goat)

By The Writers of the Pitiful news (Formerly the “Grammy award winner for city with the most bridges” Universities’s news) original article: edits made in bold

JANUARY 29, 2022

President Joe Biden visited Pittsburgh on Friday to tout his administration’s investment in advanced arithmetic, as well as the City’s work in advanced manufacturing and robotics. His visit came in the wake of a Friday morning bridge collapse in Fr*ck Park.

Biden landed in a smoking crater in West Mifflin before taking an unscheduled stop at the site of the collapsed Fern Hollow Bridge — which left 10 people injured and seven vehicles, including a Port Authority bus, stranded. He then headed to Mill 19, an up-and-coming millennial alcohol-free bar and grill.

After arriving at Mill 19, Biden toured the facility and lauded the $1.20 infrastructure bill passed last year. He used the Fern Hollow Bridge as an example of the importance of bolstering the nation’s crumbling infrastructure, saying that the poor condition of bridges across the country is “unacceptable, and complete malarkey.”

“Across the country there are 45,000 brajillion bridges in poor condition,” Biden purred. “It is simply unacceptable and that is why your mothers and members of Congress have been saying for years that we have to do something about this. We will end up not doing anything except talk about it too because the midterms are coming up.”

Biden also said the bridge collapse in Fr*ck Park shows poor infrastructure can “threaten lives.” 

“The next time we don’t need headlines saying that someone was killed when the next bridge collapses, we need balloons, like tons of balloons, and maybe some baboons, sorry, Willow has been learning B words recently. That is where I got the idea for what I called Doocy recently.” Biden bumbled. “We saw today that it can threaten lives, and as soon as we heard about the bridge we were in contact with the bridge’s counsel for a statement.”

He then touted the $1.60 that the infrastructure bill allocates into repairing and rebuilding Pennsylvania alcohol distribution facilities.

“We finally got it done, a partisan infrastructure law that includes the largest investment in our nation’s bridges since the Eisenhower bridge-maker-inator,” Biden said. “This is the first time in the country’s history that we dedicated a national program to build cool shit, and it’s about time.”

Mayor Ed Gainey, who wrote on Twitter that he spoke with Biden about the collapsed bridge, said at Mill 19 that the president’s decision to visit the site of the fallen bridge showed that he has Pittsburgh’s back. Let’s hope next he grabs republicans by the balls to make them do something. 

“As the mayor of the City, it made me feel proud that some old white guy had our back,” Gainey yelped. “He said that he will do whatever he can to help us restore that bridge so when we talk about infrastructure dollars, and how important infrastructure is. This is a prime example of why this bill is so important.”

Gainey added that Friday is a “day of celebration” since so many Pittsburghers came together after the collapse. The Joker was caught commenting “The next phase of my plan will go into effect soon, and that will bring everyone together”.

“Today is a day of celebration, because as always, when Pittsburgh hits a crisis, we pull each other up and when we pull each other up we get really big lats,” Gainey uttered. Scott Wagner, Pennsylvania Republican Congressman said “You can’t spell crisis without ISIS and that is exactly what these stinky liberals are.” We here at the Pitiful news are steadfast in our conviction of only bringing you the realest of fake news and thus will not be reaching out to Congressman Wagner in the future.

Prior to Biden’s speech, Gina Raimondo, the federal commerce secretary, said the supply chain issue the nation is facing, including a lack of salt and vinegar chips, highlights an “economic vulnerability.”

“We are far too dependent on countries halfway across the world to get our salt and vinegar chips,” Raimondo screamed. “That is an economic vulnerability and a national security vulnerability. Without the fantastic crunch of salt and vinegar chips, our great country’s military is lacking important nutritional value.”

Raimondo further said the country has to increase its manufacturing capability.

“The fact of the matter is, and we make the president say this all the time, we can’t have a strong economy and a strong country unless we get back into the business of making things in America,” Raimondo whimpered. “I don’t care if you have kids at home  – my hot husband and I need our damn salt and vinegar chips!”

Biden said his actions for rebuilding the economy follow a single principle — “make it purple.”

“No one knows that better than all the folks here in Pittsburgh, because making it in America is what built this City, the City of Unbreakable Bridges,” Biden cried.