That Spider Is Still Sitting There

Yep, just checked, he’s still there

That spider is still sitting up there, sources close to the spider confirmed. For quite some time now he has been making you uncomfortable and nervous by sitting there all fat and menacing, and he will continue doing just the same until an opportunity arrives to strike you most scarily.

The spider said that he hates you. He hates your stupid face, your soul, your very existence. He hates your fingernails and ankles. All the way up there he sits detesting your lifestyle, your hobbies and passions, your choice of friends, your taste in art. Your goals and dreams disgust the spider. The hairs on all his eight fast legs find you utterly pathetic and can’t wait to touch your idiotic skin. He guffaws at the struggles in your life. The spider’s contempt for all that makes you you is stronger than even his web. He will find you.

“I will outwait you,” the spider said. “I will sit here and watch you quiver with fear, too squeamish to squash my gooey guts out. I will wait until you forget me and remember only fear, and I’ll tickle your earlobe with my fangs, your eyelid, your pubic hair. I will sting you in that one spot on your back that you can’t reach, in your scalp so you’ll have to shave your head to treat the sting. I would crawl all over you during the night if you slept–but you will not sleep, afraid that that I will crawl all over you, freaking out at the slightest perceived or imagined touch.”

“You can’t tell whether the spider is asleep or awake and smirking, but with you it’s obvious,” said arachnologist Naomi Bumzwel. “He’s still up there. The spider will not sleep or eat until he gets you. He won’t eat you, obviously; he will sting you out of sheer spite.”

At press time the spider is still sitting there, smirking.

Adults Don’t Know Shit About Life, Study of Angsty Teens Shows

Nathan Wool, Official Lead Researcher Guy

A study published in the August issue of Science and Stuff by a team of angsty teenagers found that “adults don’t know shit about life or how to live it right.” The study, funded by the money mooched from the team members’ parents, was based on a series of interviews and opinion polls conducted with numerous angsty teenagers.

“The evidence presented in our study is unequivocal,” said lead researcher Nathan Wool, freshman at a Florida boarding high school. “Adults live with their heads up their lazy asses and don’t know the first thing about how to live a meaningful life. No drive, no light in their eyes, they are existential burnouts, man, all of them. This study proves our initial hunched—or else we wouldn’t have done it.”

One of the surprising findings of the study was that adults don’t see The Way and don’t ponder The Nature of Reality not because they are too preoccupied with their humdrum jobs and families, but because they are inherently too goddamn small-minded to ask such deep questions.

“They know nothing about The Real Way The Real World really is,” said the study’s co-author Peter Manoosh, unemployed 17-year-old who had fathomed The Truth a year ago and had been bedridden with enlightenment ever since, causing his parents to find part-time jobs to cover the additional expenses. “I transcended all eleven dimensions and untangled the unifying fabric of the Cosmos, reaching out to the farthest corners of Reality to understand this world, and all adults ever do is work and read and go places and talk to people—like, who needs that? They are lost in a dead-end, as our brilliant paper has shown.”
The study has so far received no reaction from adult scientists, which Wool said is because “they’re too old to freakin’ get it, man.”