Senior Drops Out to Invent Cool Stuff or Start Company or Something

Two weeks before graduating from the Swanson School of Engineering like a lame-o, Mark Feply dropped out in order to invent cool stuff or start a company or something. “Because look at Gates and Jobs and Zuckerberg,” he said.

During his four years in college, Feply had invented nothing, made no scientific breakthroughs, recorded no albums and written no books. While literally all of his friends were doing something cool with their lives, Feply failed to do anything buzzworthy.

“I felt so behind the times,” said Feply, adding that since he hadn’t become an Internet sensation by the age of 22 he must’ve been doing something wrong. “And then I realized that college was the only reason I hadn’t invented something totally super-cool. The structured learning environment was killing my creativity, man. I mean, who ever heard of a billionaire who finished college and later applied what he learned there in his career?”

Future celebrated young genius said he drew inspiration from the handful of dropouts who succeeded instead of the thousands who didn’t because “look at Jobs and Gates and Zuckerberg—if they did it, then so will I!”

Feply said he will live on welfare in his parents’ basement while figuring out what his claim to fame will be. Despite his lack of special skills, knowledge, or interest in anything, Feply said he’s confident that his post-dropping-out environment will be conducive to creativity and entrepreneurship because look at Zuckerberg and Jobs and Gates.

Refusal to Vaccinate Causes Scientific Illiteracy in Children, Study Finds

A study published recently in Science found that parents’ refusal to vaccinate their children for fear of autism causes astonishing rates of scientific illiteracy in said children, who may also grow up to be conspiracy theorists. Though the refusal often leads to outbreaks of potentially deadly diseases, the study’s authors warn that the more dire consequences include denying whatever established scientific truths happen to clash with one’s cultural or religious beliefs.

“The decision to ignore dozens of large-scale studies in favor of a retracted, poorly-conducted single study turns on the child’s H-67 gene, which is responsible for things like irrational beliefs and the misunderstanding and denial of science,” said study co-author Swayne McSwayne. “The contracted propensity for disbelief in the face of overwhelming evidence grows stronger in the first few years, when the child absorbs everything his parents tell him,” said McSwayne.

He added that while the study actually shows correlation and not causation, and further research is needed to confirm it, “who the hell cares, nobody knows the difference anyway. One paper is enough to plant an idea in people’s minds and let their fears do the rest of the work, and that’s all I want here.”

BREAKING: I’m Scared to Shave because If I do then I will Look like Tintin

Pitt Chancellor Shedding His Skin and Leaving It All Over the Place

By Hannah Lynn

 

Although it has been over a year since the announcement that Patrick Gallagator would take the reigns as chancellor after previous chancellor Mark Nordenberg’s departure, he wasn’t formally installed until February. And yet already, he has become a burden. Gallagator, widely known to be a Lizard Person, has been shedding large amounts of his scaly skin all over campus.

“I was just walking around the Cathedral, minding my own business, when I tripped over something,” said Junior Roman Morris. “It wasn’t till I looked up from my phone that I saw this like, huge reptile skin. Only it wasn’t in the shape of a snake it was in the shape of a man!”

That man is Patrick Gallagator, known Lizard Person.

But Morris isn’t the only one to come across this pile of discarded lizard flesh; there have been reports of it being found in the Henry Heymann theater, next to the Taco Bell in William Pitt Union, and even dangling off part of the roof of the Cathedral of Learning.

This particular skin was found by maintenance worker Leo Crabapple. “I was just sweeping the grounds when I looked up and saw it hanging down. I have no idea how he got up there,” said Crabapple. “That is one spry motherfucker.”

Most of Gallagator’s sheddings occur in or around the Cathedral, as he dwells in the dungeon beneath it. However, there has never been a verified sighting of him in his full lizard form, as Lizard People are famously impossible to photograph. However, there are several reports that every morning, Gallagator slithers out of his home to get his mail, which is delivered by a young ferret carrying a scroll in its mouth.

Gallagator did not respond for comment on his skin shedding habits.

Kung Fu Master Tired of Random Challenges

By John Meyer

Local martial arts champion and hero Tony Kalinski has expressed frustration at the flurry of random physical challenges imposed on him after being chosen to represent Western Pennsylvania at this year’s Mid-Atlantic Kung-Fu Extravaganza!

In only the past four days, Kalinski has been challenged or randomly assaulted a total of 33 times, mostly in places that he describes as “full of expensive and breakable stuff.” The assaults have occurred at all hours of the day, ranging from simple fist-to-fist challenges to more elaborate ambushes.

Fortunately, none of the challenges have been particularly trying for the martial artist. “It’s pretty weird, because a lot of times there will be like 20 guys that surround me, but they all come one at a time, so it’s not that hard,” Kalinski remarked. “If they would all rush me at once, I couldn’t handle them, but since they never do that, I win every time.”

According to Kalinski, regional qualifiers in martial arts tournaments are often subjected to months of challenges from other disgruntled fighters who were not deemed worthy to enter the tournament. “It’s actually a pretty cool system, because the winner constantly has to prove himself,” he explained. “At the same time, though, it would be nice if we had some kind of quiet hours rule. I mean, when I’m watching ‘Bad Judge’ or ‘George of the Jungle 2: Rhino’s Revenge,‘ the last thing I want is to have to throw another dude through my newly-repaired window.”

Other challengers are less sympathetic, however. “I qualified for state wrestling tournament in my senior year of high school, and I think that merits some consideration,” explained local cobbler Cuba Gooding Jr II. “So I’m gonna keep coming back until he taps out.” When asked why he was licking his lips, Mr. Gooding Jr. II yelled, “that’s none of your damn business!”

When asked about his opinions in relation to Kalinski’s situation, local ghost Abraham Crawford screeched, “booooooooooo!” and then “why are you asking me this question?”

As of press time, Kalinski threw kicked two men in the face at once and then stared at another guy until he ran away.

Pittiful News Staff Obituaries

Unfortunately, the entire Pittiful News staff has perished over the course of a few weeks. This is an honest tragedy, but we are lucky that most of them composed their own obituaries before death.

Stephen Jaindl

Stephen Jaindl died in a ball pit yesterday.  He shall be remembered.

 

John Meyer

John Meyer is presumed to be dead after falling into a pit of quicksand on the Cathedral lawn early Thursday morning. As he has no living relatives, Meyer left his fortune of professional wrestling memorabilia to The Las Palmas Foundation®. His last wish of having Brendan Fraser and Cuba Gooding Jr. sing “Dead or Alive” by Bon Jovi at his funeral was not fulfilled.

Holly Stavarski

“I’ll be back.”

Mike Citrola

Champion hot air balloon artist, Mike Citrola, died on April 26th upon being struck by a bus. A strong advocate for looking both ways, he ignored his own advice to avoid saying hello to someone he knew on the sidewalk. Citrola is survived by a hundred empty cartons of
Whole Grain Goldfish, and his snake-themed punk band, Tonguesniff.

Hannah Lynn

On Saturday night, Hannah Lynn died tragically as she was set aflame while also being devoured by wolves. She is survived by her Neopets.

 Louis Lobron

Louis Lobron, 18, was killed yesterday as the victim of a tragic thought experiment. He was standing on a bridge, admiring the scenery and the occasional passing train, when he noticed several toddlers beginning to play in the middle of the tracks. He began to panic as a train approached. Luckily for the tots, a passerby returning from his Introduction to Ethics course recognized the dilemma immediately, and acting as to ensure the most happiness for the most possible people, promptly threw Lobron’s body off the bridge in front the speeding train, stopping it in its tracks, thus saving the children. Lobron, theoretically loving son of John and Sarah, speculatively devoted brother of Irene and Fae, will be dearly missed.

Steven Boyd

Local newspaper editor, Steven Boyd, was killed during a routine tummy-tuck when doctors took out all of his vital organs and stomped on them. When his grieving family requested a response from Pittsburgh University Medical Center, Chief Dr. William Streuss replied, “These things happen.”

Ben Wahlberg

Ben finally succeeded in their dream death last Thursday Rush Hour: causing a thrity-six car pile-up at Fifth and Bigelow due to inconsiderate, unpredictable biking habits. Nobody, but our dear Ben, was injured. Paramedics on the scene wiped tears from their eyes as Ben’s still-functioning earbuds played ELO into the distance.

Will Connor

Will passed away on the 8th of April this—WAIT GUYS I’M NOT DEAD!—was a valued member of—OH MY GOD, SERIOUSLY? I’M FINE.—his parents,—PLEASE STOP—and is survived by—WHAT THE FUCK I DON’T HAVE ANY KIDS—funeral will be—I SAID I’M NOT DEAD!  WAIT, WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT—please excuse that interruption.  Will passed away on the 9th of April this year…

 

The Pittiful News Singles Meat ‘N Greet

By Mike Citrola

We here at The Pittiful News are tremendously grateful for all the readers who participate in our fundraising initiatives. As you likely know, we make money by selling t-shirts and hosting parties at bars, but our most overwhelmingly successful fundraiser is always our annual Singles Meat ‘N Greet. This event is Pittsburgh’s primary romantic butchering night, going down on April whateverth on the sidewalk, by the burnt-down doghouse village on Ophelia Street.

When you arrive at the Meat ‘N Greet, you will be paired with another attendee based on our one compatibility criterion: butchering skill. We provide the goggles, aprons, bone-saws, meat-grinders, meat-hooks, meat-knives, meat-flags, meat-staplers, blood-buckets, wine-buckets, meat-buckets, bone-bags, wet-wipes, and smooth jams. All you have to bring is a donation of your choice and a capacity for romantic love.

Get ready to meat the love of your life. And seriously, be ready to fend off some hungry, recently homeless dogs. The residents of the former doghouse village refuse to leave the neighborhood, and are as hungry for meat as you are for human companionship. But don’t fret! If we here at The Pittiful News know anything, it’s that most butchering tools can be used as weapons, and that dog is one of the easiest meats to butcher. It’s a win-kill a stray-win!

“Me and Kerin fell in love at last year’s Meat ‘N Greet,” said Pittiful reader Marv. “I helped her skin a lamb, and before I knew it, we were splashing each other with lamb’s blood and making out below the meat tables. We’re divorced now, but boy we had some fun.”

So come throw us a bone (literally) at The 15th Annual Pittiful News Singles Meat ‘N Greet! This event is BYOB (bring your own beer).

Weather Report

By Pittiful Weatherwoman Hannah Lynn

Saturday

The sun will make an appearance for roughly 3.45 seconds.

Sunday

Partially Cloudy. Look out for a special Death Moon!

Monday

The world is on fire and hell is eternal.

Tuesday

*A car horn blares in the distance for several hours*

Wednesday

You have angered the gods. Thunderstorms likely. Take cover, my son.

Thursday

Who even cares.

Friday

It is raining men.

Woman who opens public bathroom door without knocking literally raised by wolves

By Hannah Lynn

In the middle of a bustling California Pizza Kitchen, 19-year-old Kathy Lupin caused a stir when she opened a one-stall public bathroom, without knocking, to find another young woman, 33-year-old Shelly Koch, peeing. Koch shrieked and Devine seemed shocked to find the bathroom occupied even though, as previously stated, she didn’t knock.

Several patrons of the restaurant shook their heads disapprovingly as they shoved another bite of Caesar salad down their gullets. “Well now who doesn’t knock? That’s just plain wrong,” said waiter Olga Croutonn. “I mean was she raised by wolves?”

Upon further investigation, it was discovered that Kathy Lupin was in fact raised by wolves. She initially declined to comment because she doesn’t know English, but then agreed with the help of a Wolvish-English translator.

“I didn’t know you had to knock. If one is disrobing, why not lock wood slab [door]?” Lupin said before looking wistfully at the daytime moon. “I apologize but that woman will not survive in these times.”

Despite speaking English, Shelly Koch declined to comment.

Woman who doesn’t lock public bathroom door killed by her own naïveté

By Hannah Lynn

On Monday, tragedy struck as 19-year-old Shelly Koch was killed in an apparent wolf attack in a public bathroom at an Olive Garden restaurant. Investigations are underway by local police and animal to figure out the cause of death as well as how a wild wolf entered unnoticed into an Olive Garden.

Police Officer Willy Wallace believes that Koch left the bathroom door unlocked and is therefore partially responsible. “Look, I’m not saying it’s her fault a wolf attacked her in an Olive Garden, but those locks are there for a reason,” he said.

Clarissa Clearwater, a patron who was in line for the bathroom, witnessed to the incident in its entirety. “It was crazy, the wolf just came out of nowhere and burst into the bathroom!” she said. “And frankly I find it hard to believe that this wolf didn’t see me waiting in line. I still haven’t peed!”

When asked whether she feels sympathy for Koch, Clearwater indicates a similar belief to Wallace. “I knocked because I was not raised in the woods, but what kind of psycho doesn’t lock a public bathroom door?” she said.

The wolf was sedated by animal control but unfortunately it was too late for Koch. Both carcasses have been removed and the bathroom will re-open as soon as possible. Olive Garden requests that female use the restroom across the street at California Pizza Kitchen. Olive Garden also requests that female patrons stop trying to use the intact men’s bathroom because it’s causing too much commotion among customers.