By Critter Fink and Dana Goatblood
Police are currently investigating the sacrifice of college junior, Dave Misogynisto, after discovering his body smeared in a mixture of human blood, goat blood, and sixty-nine stab wounds to his torso and legs. His “average sized” penis was not severed. Dave invited fellow junior, Stephanie Kameltoh over via the messaging app Kik, after communicating with her on the dating app Tinder. He asked her via Tinder, “ayyyy u got a kik,” she responded, “Yes, user: Lucifer6969.” On Kik, he invited her to his apartment for what he described as ‘Netflix and chill? ;)’
Kameltoh released a statement from Allegheny County Jail.
“He said Netflix and chill, of course I assumed he wanted to be sacrificed to the King of the Underworld. Netflix is Latin for ‘sacrifice me to Satan’ And I love to just chill with the people I sacrifice; I thought it was super sweet, I almost let him fist my asshole.”
Kameltoh’s roommate, Holly Hondro, said, “Yeah, she brought home a gallon of goat blood but I didn’t think anything of it. She’s just a quirky girl.” Hondro also commented on Stephanie’s obsession with 666, satanic stars, Oujia boards, and using goat blood as a personal lubricant. “Like I said, she’s super quirky.”
Misogynisto’s services were held at Belleview Church in Oakland this weekend, hosted by Kappa Sigma Cocaine Delta’s pledgemaster Chad Beirgutt. The church was filled with his fraternity brothers, his one night stands, and his loud Italian mama. His friends want him to be remembered as, “like, I don’t know, really chill I guess?” His tombstone reads his final words, “ Haha and then what ;)”. Kameltoh’s trial begins June 66th.