Kinda Urgent Message from Dean Bonner (Updated with the CDC guidelines that were hidden in a jungle temple for which the only known map was tattooed on Adam Levine and can only be deciphered when he is making snow angels)

By the writers of the Pittiful News; original email: corrections made in bold

Dear Pitt partial students, 

Really? Are you kidding me?

Over the past few days, I have been alerted by students, parents, my on-call masseuse, and community members that a large number of students are holding and attending parties without inviting me, wearing face coverings and without observing physical distancing guidelines. Frankly, I am shocked, appalled, gooped, gagged, and above all else, mortified. 

Let me be crystal fucking clear: Your behavior is threatening a successful fall term for me and my partner. Also, it’s upsetting me and my homegirl. If we do not fix this, I as well as my intimate, scaly lover, Chancellor Gallagher, better known as Gallagator, will not receive our yearly bonuses of $69,420.

The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, after only one week of classes, transitioned to an entirely remote plan for the semester when more than 170 students tested positive for COVID-19, like a bunch of weaklings. I know that we at Pitt are stronger than those students at North Carolina and so we simply will not get sick. Early reports indicate that off-campus house parties and parties hosted by fraternities and sororities played a significant role in spreading the virus. Last night, the University of Notre Dame immediately suspended in-person classes following a surge of 80 new cases of COVID-19, which were linked to being weak.  

Your actions have consequences. One of which would be getting closed down before Penn State does, which is humiliating. If you want to experience campus life as well as in-person classes this semester, then support the health and well-being of the members of our community with your actions. These actions include but are not limited to: do not drive with your windows down and cruise, do not teach anyone how to blow their whistle baby, do not sit in the pocket with your legs and your knees not knocking oh knocking, do not feel that this is the time to break free because you can not resist it no more, do not kiss me under the lamppost back on sixth street hearing me whisper through the foam wait for me to come home, and most importantly do not throw your hands up in the air sometimes singing ah oh baby let’s go do not celebrate and live your life singing ah oh baby let’s go.

Let me be completely fucking clear about the consequences, like translucently clear. Like you can see straight into the sixth dimension with how clear this shit is. Like fucking Mr. Clean x Windex remix clear: 

•     When students and student organizations are reported for violating the Student Code of Conduct Health and Safety rules, interim housing suspensions and/or Persona 5 Non Grata (P5NG) restrictions will apply while a hearing is being conducted. P5NG status means the student is restricted from access to all University buildings and grounds, especially from the Eatery and other food poisoning services.  
•     If a student hosts a super lame party and is found responsible for a violation, the student will be sanctioned to disciplinary spankings through the semester.
•     If a student organization hosts a large party or event and is found responsible for a violation, the student will endure two straight hours of verbal abuse from one of our nursing majors, the organization will be sanctioned to interim suspension of registration depending on how cool it is, for no less than the remainder of the semester. If the organization is full of lame ass nerds, the suspension may be extended. 
•     If a student living in a residence hall attends a large party then they are super fucking cool. Keep up the good work!
•     If a student living off campus attends a large party, BBQ, picnic, orgy or potluck dinner and is found responsible for a violation, the student will be sanctioned to permanent Persona Non Fucking Grata (PNFG) status through the semester.
• I am not afraid to commit war crimes against my own students to stay open longer than WVU. Hail to fucking Pitt. 

My expectations are clear as fucking day if the day was a diamond and was freshly polished with actual invisible camel saliva: 

•     Do not hold or attend parties where physical distancing is not possible or where attendees are not following face covering requirements. You need to exercise. Seriously. You’re growing fat. 
  • Most of your shitty South Oakland apartments cannot safely hold more than 4-5 people while accounting for physical distancing of 6-feet between people. 
•     Do not cough or sneeze directly into the orifices of people who are not part of your pod while you are sheltering in place.    
  •         If you are an off-campus student, your pod consists of the people you vibe with.
  •         If you are an on-campus student, you have been assigned your pod. And not like the juul. If we catch you with a juul pod we won’t hesistate to fucking kill you. 
•     Wear face coverings such as paper bags when indoors and near others who are not in your pod because nobody wants to see your ugly ass face, dude.
• Although we brought you all onto campus, Pitt has no liability when it comes to student or faculty deaths. You should have followed the fucking rules created by the genious mind of our Lord and Savior Gallagator.
• You do not need to wear a face covering when within 6 feet of your enemies. If they are truly a worthy rival they simply will not get sick.
• Due to the fact that alcohol may eliminate coronavirus within the body, dining halls will now be serving liquor to supply cool parties (no uncool parties allowed). The alcohol will not be covered by your mandated unlimited meal plans, but it is free for athletes and greek life members. 
•     Wear face coverings when outdoors and when physical distancing is not always possible, as on a busy sidewalk or hiding in your neighbor’s closet. 
• Wear face coverings during sex so it’s covid friendly, and experiment with positions that limit face to face contact. 2020 will be the year of glory holes, baby! Regularly sanitized plexiglass glory holes will be located behind the Cost Center, opening September 4th.
• While sex is permissable, absolutely no kissing, snogging, or making out while on campus, except Amanda and Jackson from Tower A floor 3, I like to watch them Shift. Keep it up, you two.
•     When in doubt, wear protection.
•     Wear your face properly—it must cover your mouth, nose, eyes, and entire skull.
•     Practice good hand hygiene and avoid touching high-touch surfaces with your hands or genitals. This includes other people’s genitals.
• If you are not in possession of a mask, place a plastic bag over your head and tie it as tightly as possible. If you die, that’s natural selection. Sucks, better luck next time. You signed a contract.

These are reasonable and easy precautions to take during a pandemic, so hold onto your butts and keep others accountable. If you see Pitt-affiliates breaking these guidelines—students, faculty or staff—then stomp on their necks and spit in their mouths. It’s your responsibility to speak up and ensure they get coronavirus. 

A report about a COVID-related concern can be filed here or on the coronavirus.pitt.edu website. A conduct referral on a student violating Pitt’s guidelines can be filed here or the “Pubic Health and Safety Conduct Referral” form can be found on the home page for Student Affairs. The more information you can provide, the better able we are to hunt them down and kick them back to whatever backwater swamp they came from.

Since October 2019 when we knew the Coronavirus was a thing but hid it so we could keep you guys here to make money in the spring semester, we have all had the time to learn about this virus and adapt to our new pubic health environment. Now it is time to demonstrate that you understand this is serious bizniz, with serious consequences. As a great man said once, “when will you learn… when will you learn that your actions have consequences.” We have one chance, one opportunity to get this right. We better own it, we better never let it go.

So take care of business, start the semester wrong, do the panther roar, and mask the fuck up.

Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs;

(Signature edited for comedy. Original signature here)

Kenyon R. Boner, EdD

Vice Provost and King Shit 

Pubic Health and Safety Conduct Referral

This referral is strictly for snitches of the University community (i.e. losers, virgins, computer science majors, etc.) who believe a student’s behavior “Exhibits small dick energy or fails to comply with guidance set forth by me and my lover regarding pubic health and/or safety.”

Submit a Health and Safety Conduct Referral.

Casual Friday Horoscopes, as featured in Seventeen magazine

By the writers of the Pittiful News

Aries – You are a strong-willed person who always fights for want they want. Tomorrow you will encounter an opportunity for success. Take your chances and don’t give up.

 

Taurus – You have a strong appetite for close relationships. When you meet them tomorrow, give them a hug and check their pockets for the drugs. They may change your life.

 

Gemini – You’re finally coming out as a Gemini today. Don’t forget which shoe goes on which foot. We can spot a Gemini from about three miles away. Just focus on what’s ahead of you.

 

Cancer – You are one-third dummy, one-third whore, and one-third sucker, and tomorrow you will cry because someone reminds you of something that happened many years ago, and it will remind you of ‘the stairwell’ that you try to forget.

 

Leo – I really don’t understand why you’re looking at your horoscope because if I tell you that you’ll have a great day tomorrow and you get hit by a bus, I think that technically is grounds to sue me so take this with a grain of salt and have a great day.

 

Virgo – Repeat this mantra daily to experience life to its fullest: “Wake up in the mornin’. Feelin’ like P. Diddy. Grab my glasses. I’m out the door. I’m gonna hit the city.” Don’t forget to brush your teeth with a bottle of jack.

 

Libra – You can’t make a decision to save your life. You’re sweet but you’re… you’re nasty if someone crosses you… UHm- You can’t think. DO not think at all whatsoever. Fuck people. But don’t FUCK-fuck them?? Your planet is Venus or something. Meaning you’re very romantic and LOVE flirting. You are a peacekeeper and like order. #Words not fists #Kill with kindness

 

Scorpio – You are possessive over the things you like, this week you will begin mating with an optimum specimen, only to eat them at a later date.

 

Sagittarius – Things are looking up for you! It’s going to be just the right kind of night to dress up like a hipster and make fun of your ex. (DO NOT under any circumstances get back with your ex.) Do fun things, like eating breakfast at midnight and fallin in love with strangers. Everything’s gonna be alright :) Just keep dancing :)

 

Capricorn – You are resilient, this week your horns will grow nicely. Also this week, in math class your teacher, who sucks, will give you a pop quiz. It might be on the quadratic equation so just remember: “x equals opposite b plus or minus square root b squared minus 4 a c all over 2 a”.

 

Aquarius – You will meet a person who will be an amazing partner for you, they will be: sometimes low key, sometimes high key, sometimes comforting, sometimes indifferent, often contradictory. They will be standing on the corner of Forbes and Bigelow, they will be wearing yellow and holding a pink carnation, the password to make them fall in love with you is “if you do not come with me this instant, i will stab you”. They will get into your car and you will live happily ever after until you get a new horoscope telling you to see other people, Janice.

 

Pisces –  You will become the president of the United States of America, the first president to be precise. People might call you “Daddy”, but what they really mean is “Father (of the Nation)”, so don’t be alarmed. Embrace all the opportunities of this phase in your life.

 

Good Smells

By Tyler Sikov and Sonya Acharya

1. Babies
2. Discovery
3. An Abercrombie and Fitch shirt after you wash it with Gain the first time
4. Teen spirit
5. Forrest
6. Lavender
7. Good smelling cologne
8. Coffee
9. The specific coffee beans that they give you at Yankee Candle to cleanse your nasal palate after you smell a nasty peppermint candle that makes your nose feel like it was just assaulted by Jack Frost
10. That tree stump
11. Freshly mown grass, new parchment & spearmint toothpaste
12. Fergalicious it’s delicious
13. Cats
14. Rotting plants
15. Vanilla extract before you taste it
16. A brand new deck of cards
17. Falling in love
18. The rose you were going to give to your prom date but she stood you up so now you must console yourself by inhaling inhumane amounts of pollen from this flower to put yourself into an allergy coma so you can wake up from it a week later feeling better
19. The helmets of Mongol invaders (in museums)
20. Bath and Body Works in the off-season after you have dropped an anvil on your foot

Heck (Hell but more Inconvenient)

By Tyler Sikov

Before I tell you about my experience in Heck, I should probably tell you how I died. I was running around in one of those revolving doors, forcing people to go through the much less fun normal door, I was then decapitated while trying to leave the door, the door was spinning so fast that my head was just gone. I appear inside a room and an attendant puts lotion of my hands and feet. I am then told that I must go to the reception area for processing. This was immediately a difficult task as to do that I needed to open a door, and I could not stop sliding around the room. The lotion smelled really nice so I decided to lick my fingers which gave me a great idea, I could open the door with my mouth. I put my mouth around the handle and the door immediately flies open sending me sledding across the floor. The man in the doorway tells me to follow him. I follow him down many twisting and turning halls with him talking at a volume I could hear but not quite make out everything he said. At many points I lost him only to find myself walking down the wrong hallway and falling down a random pit. I must then climb the long stair case where each step is a different height, this really killed my ankles, get it because I am dead, eh. You living folks will get it when you are dead.

Finally, I find him and am escorted into a reception room. This room is filled with many buttons. None of the buttons have labels so I begin pressing random buttons. The buttons I pressed did these to me: had a group of people run out and lightly brush my face with feathers, had someone play twinkle twinkle little star on my teeth, someone come to give me a hug but it lasted a few seconds too long and he was really sweaty, someone walked near me with a chinchilla and every time I tried to pet it they would pull it slightly farther away. Finally, I pressed a button that brought out a lady who introduced herself as the receptionist. I asked where I was and she said Heck, an eternity of small inconveniences. I thought of myself as a good person but I guess I inconvenienced a lot of people in my life. She tells me that I am all checked in and that I am free to leave the reception room and go find lunch.

I leave the room and after getting lost for a mildly inconvenient amount of time I find the elevators. I was expecting them to be empty but when one arrived it was almost full, there was one spot left. I get in and as the elevator is descending, I realize that everyone else in here has not showered in months. I turn and talk to one of the people to ask them why they are all in here and why they smell bad, yes I am a blunt person, all of the people in the elevator say in unison “We never leave, we never clean ourselves, we make all elevator rides inconvenient”. The elevator then got stuck for 30 minutes. The elevator does not have numbers on their buttons so you would press random floors just hoping it took you where you were looking to go. Once I get to the floor I was searching for, I go and get myself a burrito bowl from Chipotle but they are always out of a random ingredient, so just normal Chipotle. I order what I ordered while I was alive, but when I go to pay, the credit card machine is broken so I pay in cash, I have just enough to pay for it and tip 10% in my pocket.  I eat the food but I find a hair in it, I go up to the customer service desk to complain about this.

I get to the desk and the woman at the desk screams at me for wasting her time. She then starts to talk about how she knows corporate and demands to speak to my manager. I finally get a word in and complain about there being hair in my food and this woman smacks me in the face and then punches herself in the stomach and starts screaming that I hit her, so I decide that this is a lost cause, I ate a lot of cat hair in my life so eating a bit of mystery hair in my afterlife is not the biggest of deals. As I am walking away from the desk someone hits me on the back of the head with an empty wrapping paper tube. I ask why, and this guy replies, “Whenever your sibling thinks of you someone will come up behind you and hit you on the head with an empty wrapping paper tube, as I have just done”. Right once he finishes saying this, I get hit on the head again, I have 20 siblings, lucky for me it does not hurt that much it is just more a mild annoyance, just like having a sibling.

Right then I stumble into an alley that is full of people asking me to sign their petitions, I start signing some of them and on one of them I write the date wrong, I go to erase it but the eraser bits stick to the paper and you can tell that I wrote I wrong the first time because it does not erase fully. I then get a notification on my phone that my job has been changed and will be changed every day. I question this because in life I never had a real job, I would just go to a business for a week, reorganize their computer systems and cabinets, then leave without telling anyone where they can find their stuff in the new systems and cabinets. It tells me that today I get to mow a lawn, I am allergic to mown grass so I will be sneezing for a week after today. The map on my phone shows me that I am a 20-minute walk away from the lawn I am meant to mown, and I need to be there in 15 minutes. Right then the path I must take to get to my job is filled with people, not enough to stop me from getting there, just enough that it will be harder for me to get there on time.

When I get to my job, 35 minutes late, I go to shake my boss’s hand and he begins to do the worm. Once he notices that I am attempting to shake his hand he gets up and asks if the culture changed again, I ask what he means and he says that every few months the culturally accepted greetings and other culturally accepted practices are changed, and no one will tell you what they have been changed to, so sometimes you come off looking rude. He then tells me to mow the lawn. Once I am done mowing, I decide to go to a rooftop pool. I get into a swimsuit and jump in. quickly I realize that parts of the pool are salt water and parts are chlorine, I am very confused as to how this works but more bothered by the fact that different parts of the pool are wildly different temperatures.

Once I am done, I get directions to my apartment. It takes me an hour to get there. Once I get there I reach into my pocket and find a ring of keys, and the 15th key I try opens the door. Right as the door opens, some cats jump into my arms. Right when I think that this may be a nice place to be, the cats jump off of me leaving my entire body coated with hair. I walk in and find that I have a dryer full of clothes, I take the clothes out and as I am walking back to my bed to fold the clothes, I drop a sock onto the dirty floor. I pick it up and decide that I should wash it again so I put it into a different basket. I notice that this sock has a hole in it, I look through my other socks and I notice that all of them have holes in different places, many of them will cause some of my toes to be out of my sock. I knew that this could be a bit annoying because I have to walk up hill everywhere I go. Right then I get a message telling me that tomorrow my job is stapling individual pieces of very sticky paper.

I change into my pajamas, freshly clean and folded and go to brush my teeth, while I am brushing my teeth water is constantly dripping down my arms, because of this I wash my hands. I pull up my sleeves so they do not get wet but the second I turn on the water my sleeves fall back down and get soaked. There is a knock on the door, I open it and get hit on the head by an empty wrapping paper tube, again. I go back inside and decide I should watch some Netflix. I go to search for a show I like but every key I press types a different letter or symbol, it takes me a long time to find the show I want to watch. After a bit of buffering because the wifi is slow I watch an episode. The next episode starts after a bit of buffering but it is not the next episode in the show, it is a random episode of the show. I try to find a way to watch the episodes in order but all shows autoplay their episodes in a random order. I look at the clock and see that it is getting pretty late so I decide to go to bed. The bed is part box spring, part memory foam, part air mattress and part water bed. It is going to be hard to fall asleep but soon enough I will and then I will wake up and live in this world of small inconveniences. This is my own personal Heck.

 

I Accidentally Summoned Mortal Kombat Characters into Animal Crossing: Here’s What Happened

By Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, Abby Stoudt

Authors’ Note: We wrote this as two people who have only ever played Animal Crossing and one person who has only ever played Mortal Kombat

 

So, since the launch of Animal Crossing New Horizons in March, my life has become centered around Pietro the sheep. Every single night I close my eyes to sleep and I dream about him. My waking hours are filled with thoughts about his silly little clown face. I want nothing more than to have him live on my island and be my best friend and yet, he has yet to move in.

 

I spent hundreds of hours grinding to earn Nook Miles so that I could buy tickets to visit other islands and find Pietro and I just couldn’t find him. Friends offered to invite me onto their islands to ask their Pietro’s to move onto my islands and on the very day that I planned to ask him to move in, someone else took his place.

 

Needless to say, I was getting desperate. So, I decided to buy some amiibo cards off of eBay. I didn’t want it to come to this, but I needed the clown sheep on my island. I needed it more than I needed air to breathe. However, when the cards came in the mail, I noticed something weird: they were unmarked. I didn’t think anything much about it, only that I would have to scan them all to find the Pietro one; but when I scanned one into the game, I noticed something weird. They didn’t call a lovable sheep or cat or other similarly cute animal, they summoned Mortal Kombat characters who I couldn’t get to move out at all. Here are some of the weird things that happened once they moved in.

 

1. My villagers can now perform x-ray fatalities
2. Biff started greeting me with “Time to die, little man” instead of “MUSCLE MADNESS”
3. Raymond has now begun to attempt Rolling Thunder (Raiden) on Peaches
4. Scorpion has a peaceful home where he has many pet scorpions, then once he leaves his home he stabs people though their skulls with his chain knives
5. Sahara the traveling carpet dealer is now only selling trait cards
6. Isabelle’s business casual attire started to become a little more Kombat-casual
7. The only way to get a five star rating is to fight every Jock villager in a grueling 76-on-1 match
8. Tortimer has come back for final revenge on Johnny Cage
9. The female characters all have tiddies
10. Nightwolf has started killing my villagers to add their animal spirits to his army
11. Tom Nook now routinely removes disobedient villagers spines and then impales them with their own spine
12. Goro has now mated with many villagers to create a generation of villagers with four arms
13. Timmy and Tommy swear now
14. Kotal Kahn is now forcing all of the villagers to come to his talks about te Mongol Empire
15. Absolute Zero froze the water around my island, collapsing the thriving fishing industry

 

Cats Smell Nice

By Tyler Sikov (and his cat Peanut butter)

Cats smell nice just out of a bath

Cats smell nice when they help you with math

Cats smell nice when they lick themselves clean

Cats smell nice when their eyes really gleam

Cats smell nice when they hit you on the head

Cats smell nice when they raise the dead

Cats smell nice when they perform a blood sacrifice

Cats smell nice when they hit around a cube of ice

Cats smell nice when they take a drink

Cats smell nice when they wear all pink

Cats smell nice when they greet you at the door

Cats smell nice when they play outside in a downpour

Cats smell nice when they eat your eyes

Cats smell nice when they plan a surprise

Cats smell nice when they hold your hand

Cats smell nice when they do something unplanned

Cats smell nice when they kiss your face

Cats smell nice when they attend jury duty in your place

Cats smell nice when they eat their dinner

Cats smell nice when they behead a sinner

Cats smell nice when they shed their fur

Cats smell nice when they lay there and purr