What are We Remembering Today?

By Tyler Sikov, Abby Stoudt, Sonya Acharya

This memorial day at the Pittiful News, we’re remembering gay rights!

1. On this day, on the 25th of May, in 1895 (in the olde London time), Oscar Wilde was arrested for doing gay things in public. The 1890s were not a good time to be gay. #BeGayAndDoCrimes
   1. (Basil to Dorian) “It is quite true that I have worshipped you with far more romance of feeling than a man usually gives to a friend.”
2. Then, 118 years later, Ukraine held its first pride parade in Kiev. Coincidence? I think not!
   1. It was the biggest ever pride parade, too!
3. That is it, but like just remember gay rights with us today! :  ^)

 

Greetings from Pitt’s 2020 Commencement (Virtual)

By: Sonya Acharya

It’s been a grand total of 22 days since Pitt did a virtual graduation thing on Zoom, because where else would they do it, everything’s on Zoom now. OK I lied, it was actually on YouTube. I’ve only just come out of my coma, which lasted 22 days because I was in mourning due to personal reasons, including but not limited to the fact that I’m going to be 22 years old. All of this goes to say that only now can I share my thoughts on the virtual graduation thing.

Here’s a link if you want to follow along! https://youtu.be/lh0CJDk9t80

Thought #1: Highly recommend tuning in if you’re in the mood to tear up at the experience of hearing Pomp and Circumstance while watching a vertical panning shot of Cathy.

Thought #2: I’m not so sold on these choppy jump-cuts of campus buildings and scenes (hello to the Music Building which I haven’t seen since Fall 2017, and R.I.P. to the 10A running on Bigelow) set to the “Alma Mater” song.

Thought #3: Yesss the victory lights!!! (Nooo to the vertical laser)

Thought #4: Gallagher misses us? That’s new. *tears up* This is the first time I’m seeing him and hearing him at the same time. Simply wild.

Thought #5: Cue the stock phrases about how we’ve adapted to these changing times.

Thought #6 / Interruption: Maybe I should stop referring to these as thoughts.

7: Wow I can see that he’s reading out this speech, probably from the same computer that’s recording him.

8: I wonder if he’s in his house at 718 Devonshire St. Maybe I should go there the next time I go for a walk. Maybe I should tap on the windows and make hissy noises to see if I can get him to move.

9: The second wave of cut-shots of people having fun without me, set to what is apparently “The Panther Fight Song”, are giving me a headache ☹

10: Made the 2020 vision joke, that we were supposed to have *gasp* 2020 vision but we didn’t *gasp* see this coming. *GASP*

11: Said the words “unprecedented time”

Edit: someone said it again

Edit #2: someone said “unusual times”. Probably multiple instances

Edit #3: also “trying times”, also probably multiple.

12: Comparisons I didn’t see coming – Pitt students are strong like bridges and tangy like Heinz ketchup.

13: Ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a face for the name of Provost Anne E. Cudd. She’s the only one thus far who’s worn academic regalia. Either she missed the memo, or everyone else missed the memo. Regardless, Ann E. is killing that hat.

14: Patrick D. Gallagher wants me to stand for formality even if I’m the only one in the room? Okay Patty, I’ll do it, but you WISH you could shake my hand.

15: Dear Patrick D. Gallagher, What is the fucking point of you sending me a virtual diploma? Sincerely (but not much), Sonya

16: You look forward to putting the real thing in my hands? Don’t bullshit me Pat, the real one will be shoved into my mailbox in the end of July.

17: Damn, we get a speech from Tom Wolf!! Also Joanne Rogers!! And Rachel Levine! Those are a few of the few names I recognize. *tears up at some point* I appreciate all the love and stock phrases being showered upon me by strangers.

18: I do not understand why I’m tearing up yet again. I’ve done it about 4 times already and it’s only been 25 minutes. This is very new to me because I rarely cry. The only movies I cry at are Up because duh, Inside Out (against my will, for Bing Bong), and Little Women (2019).

19: I AM LIVING FOR BRADY-BRUNCH-STYLE PITT BAND PLAYING “SWEET CAROLINE” WITH FIREWORKS

20: small comment, after weeks of my professors referencing The Brady Brunch, I still do not know exactly what The Brady Brunch is, and at this point I’m almost too afraid to ask.

21: Fuck it, I never asked questions in college and that’s why I’m like this.

22: Who are the Bradys? Why are they having brunch? What’s special about this brunch of theirs? What does that have to do with Zoom?

 

Door Dasher

By Tyler Sikov

Many people lost their jobs due to this pandemic but my job has turned from a seasonal occupation into a full time 24/7 job. You see, I am a Door Dasher. Yep that’s right, I got up to people’s doors, steal their packages and dash away. When I got into this competitive market, I thought I would only work around the holidays. This was not a problem for me as I have no family since the “accident” that I orchestrated. All my siblings were killed by trombones, my mom was skewered by a clarinet, and my dad’s head exploded when I played the sickest guitar riff. Now that everyone is having everything delivered it is my job to steal their packages and use whatever they had in them. So far, I have collected: 1000 rolls of toilet paper, 12 flat screen TVs, 3 years’ worth of food (4 if I intermittent fast), and 4 thousand Mother’s Day cards. I have also become famous. I am on TVs all around the world. I always make sure to let the ring camera get a good look at my face. What is the point of doing crime if it does not pay, and I want my crime to pay me in money and clout. Since my theft has become more publicized many people have been setting trap packages to catch me, luckily I am always wearing a strange assortment of paint, glitter, tar, and chicken feathers. As a master Door Dasher, I know how to protect myself from people trying to steal my packages. I have not had that many delivered to me lately, obviously, but my traps have been getting some use. The FBI keeps coming to my house to try to “arrest” me or something. They never get that close because of all my traps. Just yesterday 5 of the agents got stuck on some of the human sized sticky mouse traps I set out for them. In the past they have also fallen for many of my other traps. Some examples of my genius are: when one of the agents fell through the trapdoor I installed in my porch and could not get out of the pit, when one of the agents rang my doorbell but I rigged it to spray bear mace at them, and the time that the FBI came to my house only to find out I pulled an UP on them and lifted my house off the ground with thousands of balloons. Oh, there’s a knock at the door, I wonder what shenanigans I get up to today!

Celebrities Whose Unbirthday is Today

By the writers of the Pittiful News (Sonya, Tyler, Abby, Eric, Savannah)

1. Sonia Sotomayor

2. Jeff Goldblum <33
3. Mahatma Gandhi
4. Ashley Tisdale
5. The Kool-Aid Man
6. Danny Phantom
7. Mrs. Butterworth
8. Aunt Jemimar
9. Eugene V. Debs
10. Eugene Levy
11. Eugène Sue
12. Eugene Cernan
13. Eugene H. Krabs
14. Eugene O’Neill
15. Eugene Fitzherbert
16. Eugene Lee Yang
17. https://www.ranker.com/list/famous-people-named-eugene-v1/reference
18. Danny Devito
19. Guy Fieri
20. Hunter Fieri
21. Cory in the House
22. Billy Squier
23. Old Fuss and Feathers
24. Old Rough and Ready
25. Tippecanoe and Tyler Too!
26. Blaine, Blaine, James G. Blaine, the continental liar from the state of Maine!
27. Henry Bird
28. Mr Monopoly

 

What Is Making Me Break Out?

By Savannah Teman

Starting summer break made me realize something: I want a beach body, but beach body isn’t all in the actual body. It’s the face. And I have a face, so I figured it’s time to kick it into gear and figure out what the heck is making me break out.

I started by making a list of common factors in acne. Cosmopolitan says it’s my mother-in-law stressing me out about how to raise my kids. I’m not a 35 year old mother who needs a margarita so I’ll rule that one out.

The next article I read says it could be “what I’m putting on my face.” I’m not sure what that means because I don’t put anything out of the ordinary on my face, really. I use face wash, moisturizer, and toner. Oh, and pimple cream, and that weird serum with the snail stuff in it. And sometimes I use an overnight cream. And that stuff for under my eyes. And some anti-aging goop. But that’s really it. Vogue models use them and they look hot. But then again it could be the mask I use every morning that Buzzfeed claimed would help my skin. It just has like mayonnaise and pickle juice in it. Like a moisturiser and exfoliator in one. That can’t be it. Maybe I’ll try ditching the eye cream first.

Then I wondered, maybe it’s my hair. I mean it like, touches my face and all. I think it must be what I’m washing it with. I use that stuff from the commercial of the girl in the jungle in the big pond and her hair is all shiny and she keeps tossing it over her shoulder. She has nice skin too. I just don’t get it. I keep my hair well-maintained. I pick the bugs out. Use my pickle-mayonnaise leave in treatment. I even wrap it around my face at night to keep it smooth. There’s no reason why I should be breaking out from it.

Maybe my pillow is the cause. It touches my hair, my hair touches my face. I really tried with this one. I washed my pillow in the bathtub once I was done every day for a week, and then I hung it in the oven to dry. But every night I’d fall asleep and wake up the next day with a greasy, stinky face.

I think I’ve had enough. Doctors can’t pin it, my mom has no more advice, and my cat just keeps licking my face to make me feel better, but none of them are helping. I think I need a full life change. A spiritual awakening. I decided to move to the mountains. I will live amongst the goats. Hopefully this stress free life will finally clear my mind and my skin.

 

My trip to IKEA

By Tyler Sikov

I am thinking of getting a new apartment but it is not furnished, so I need to buy some furniture. I heard of this store called IKEA, I have never been there before but I decided that there is a first time for everything, so I head to the IKEA nearest me. I get there and I start wandering the store looking for the bed section but since I do not speak Italian, I get lost. By the time I find the beds it feels like days have gone by, in case you are wondering where the beds are, they are just past the flugflorgs and around the bend from the sängar. Since I have been walking for so long, I decide to take a nap on one of the beds, as I am falling asleep, I think to myself, why don’t I just live here.

I awake to someone asking me where a section is. I tell them I don’t work here, they then say “but you are wearing a shirt and have a nametag”. To which I respond, “no I am not”, but then I look down. They are right, somehow, I am now wearing an IKEA shirt and I have a nametag on that says Finn on it, I guess my new name is Finn. My wallet is also gone, but I presume that is just how they have had me pay for lodging and the new clothes. I decide to accept my new life and work there, so I try to help this customer because the customer is always right. When I am walking around, I touch some weird sap on one of the pillars, so I go to wash my hands. I head towards the in-store restaurant because I know they have a sink. I wave my hand under the motion sensor but no water comes out, so I try again, to no avail. A customer comes over so I step out of the way to let them try. I tell them that it was not working, they say that they think it will work. Sure enough when they wave their hand water comes out. This definitely happened because the customer is always right. I then see a sign that says “all employees must wash hands * before returning to work”, but in small letters it says “* at show room sinks”. When I go to the sink section, which I find easily, now that I am an employee, I seem to be able to navigate easily, one of the sinks activates and I wash my hands there. A gold star appears on my fanny pack. Oh, by the way, a part of my uniform was a fanny pack.

I work for the day and now it is closing time. I was planning on going to sleep but when I got to the bed section all the beds were disassembled. I opened my fanny pack to see the employee handbook, it says “all employees must build their bed each night” and then “once morning comes employees must build all show room furniture”. I build my bed much slower than all the other employees, as many of them have had a lot more practice building beds, like 3 days more.

I awake at 4 am and get right to building. Once I build 5 office chairs and 12 sinks, I look in my fanny pack and find a bag of carrot sticks. I eat these veraciously as I had not eaten anything the previous day. It is forbidden to eat in front of customers, as they can not know that we are humans, or, I mean, that we were humans. Today there are a few new people working. I feel that they fell for the same pillow-toped trap I did. The longest working person there, Mike, was not around this morning but we did have a new piece of furniture, the mikrofon. It seems like every day one of the workers goes missing and then a new piece of furniture shows up. Eh, I guess I am seeing something where there is nothing. Luckily, we build all the furniture before the first customers show up.

I have been here a week now and I am getting excited as the manager told me that I get to launch the newest piece of furniture. He takes me into his office and I get into this weird machine. The next thing I know there is someone sitting on my lap. I try to ask them to get off but they can’t seem to hear me. I look over and see an item name tag on my wrist that says finländare. I managed to get over to the computer section and finish writing this, just remember what they always say. “In IKEA no one can hear you scream”.

Where’s Waldo?: Quarantine Edition!

By Tyler Sikov

You know the drill; find Waldo! (I promise, these get progressively harder.)

Bonus round:

Answers will be posted on Wednesday, May 6th at 1PM. Stay findin’!