How To Break The Ice On A First Date

 by Jessica Simpson
 

1. Make a reservation at a fancy restaurant like Olive Garden.  Bitches love pasta.
2. Take a lesson from Pathfinders and avoid traditional ice-breaking techniques.
3. Buy an ice sculpture in the shape of a giant cube, a swan, or Cupid.
4. Carry said sculpture with you in a red wagon to the restaurant. Beware of bumps on the sidewalk or people mistaking the sculpture for your child.
5. Arrive at the restaurant 15 minutes before your date.  The element of surprise is vital.
6. Have a waiter bring the ice to your table after you’ve eaten all of the breadsticks.
7. Take out your spare hammer, knife, or small chainsaw and start to hit the sculpture violently.  Put your back into it.  The cold never bothered you anyway.
8. Don’t forget to bring an extra hammer, knife, or small chainsaw for your date—you can’t break the ice alone.
9. The ice must not melt!  Vanilla Ice, Ice T, and Ice Cube all recommend that if the task proves too slippery, you and your potential lover must tackle the sculpture.
10. If that doesn’t work out just crush some ice cubes from a glass of water with your fist and call it a day.

Op Ed: Oscar Nominations an Embarrassment to the Film Industry

By Hannah Lynn

The first thing I saw this morning when I looked at my phone was that this year’s Oscar nominations had been announced. I quickly scanned the list of actors and directors nominated before confirming what I already knew: the Oscars are run by a bunch of stodgy old white men who can’t recognize good art when they see it.

Each year, the nominations regressive standards of unoriginal film. A man fighting for survival in the snow? I’ll pass. Another wall street movie filled with white men in suits yelling at each other? I don’t think so. A wispy British man? No. There is a very obvious fear of going outside the box, a box the Academy has built for themselves out of impenetrable cinder blocks. There were several movies in 2015 that so clearly deserved to be nominated, but weren’t due to blatant prejudices.

I’ve been beating around the bush but I might as well call it like it is: The Oscars hate mall cops, and were so blinded by the hate that they didn’t nominate “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.” I know, it’s an uncomfortable topic to talk about but it must be done if we want real change. “Paul Blart” is an excellent depiction of the trials and tribulations of being a mall cop in America, and it deserves just as much recognition as all the other films nominated.

Kevin James has slowly and steadily been working his way up the precarious ladder of the film world. From Otis the Cow in the arthouse classic “Barnyard” to Larry Valentine in “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,” James has been giving it his all and the effort shows in “Paul Blart.”

It’s time Hollywood flows down the inevitable river of progress, and gives artist the recognition they deserve, regardless of individual prejudices.

Local Woman Issues Cease and Desist to Friend Who Constantly Messages Disgusting Things

By Dippy Diplodocus

After being on the receiving end of several months’ worth of “unsolicited, inappropriate communication,” Oakland resident Kuki Sanban had had enough and decided that it was time to take legal action. This came in the form of a cease and desist letter, issued to Abigail Lincoln, who also resides here in Oakland and is a good friend of Kuki’s.

“Since our middle school days, Abigail has always been a wild card,” said Sanban. “But lately she’s been taking things too far. Day in and day out, she sends me these very gross, often sexually explicit text messages. I kept asking her to stop, but it didn’t seem like I was getting through. I felt that I had to do something drastic.”

The following are only a few of the nearly nine months’ worth of messages which Sanban received and is now submitting as evidence in her case:

Gronk could suck me dry idc idc!!!

Do you ever sit next to someone and are like wow, I was just thinking about your dick in my mouth like five minutes ago lol

Are you ever so constipated that you go and try to have sex just to push the poop out?

“That last one was the one that finally pushed me over the edge.”  Sanban revealed, sounding nearly on the verge of tears. “Why is someone who’s supposed to be my friend subjecting me to discussions of penises putting pressure against the walls of her fully packed anal canal?”

Unfortunately, even though we agree with Ms. Sanban, her friend hasn’t technically done anything illegal. So, even if Abigail continues painting vivid verbal pictures of her bowel evacuation methods, it is unlikely that any real action will be taken against her. Lincoln seems to be aware of this fact as when we reached out to her for comment, she only had this to say: “Eat my ass!”

Floor Takes Uncanny Liking To RA

By Milo Davis

A floor in a freshman residence hall has finally caught the attention of university officials with their unusual behavior. Ever since the start of the fall semester, students living on floor 20 of Tower A have shown an extreme amount of interest in their resident assistant, Sarah. According to reports, the majority of the decorations that adorn floor 20 were not put up by the RA, but they do feature the RA. Pictures pulled from her Facebook profile grace the hallway walls, and an intricate shrine to her infinite greatness displays proudly in the communal bathroom, a now sacred spot for the floor’s denizens.


All of this cult activity was initially thought to just be harmless fun/neurosis until recently when a terrorist attack was conducted on another floor. On January 21, 2016, a date that will forever live in infamy, three students from floor 20 took to the elevator, stopped on floor 21, and threw canisters of mustard gas into the hallway while screaming “You’re all infidels! Sarahu ackbar!” There were 26 casualties.


These floor 20 extremists, calling themselves Independent State of the Ineffable Sarah, or ISIS, have made clear their intent to continue their efforts in eradicating all who dare to oppose Sarah’s greatness. ISIS has posted several videos online encouraging those from other floors to join them in their crusade. When reached out for comment, the celebrated RA Sarah herself was quoted as saying: “I have no clue why they like me so much. I guess I just have a magnetic personality or something. Hey, I’m not complaining. This is neat.”

Scientists: Not All Pictures Worth 1000 Words

By Phil Forrence

This picture is worth very few words:
 

Top Ten Best Newberry Medal Honored Book Titles

By Dippy Diplodocus

The Pittiful News presents a list of the top 10 best-named Newberry Medal Honored book titles. These are not made up. These are all completely real children’s books that have not only been published but won awards.

1. “Gay Neck, the Story of a Pigeon”
2. “…And Now Miguel”
3. “Good Masters! Sweet Ladies! Voices from a Medieval Village”
4. “Millions of Cats”
5. “Runaway Papoose”
6. “Doll Bones”
7. “The Pigtail of Ah Lee Ben Loo with Seventeen Other Laughable Tales and 200 Comical Silhouettes”
8. “Calico Bush”
9. “Pancakes-Paris”
10. “Queer Person”

X = 5, Mathematicians Announce

By Ilya Yashin

At an emergency press conference last night, held only 12 hours before the homework was due, a team of over-caffeinated top American mathematicians announced that x = 5. “We got it! We got it! X equals five!” they screamed, high-fiving and fist-bumping each other, to the relief and cheers of the audience.

“Okay, so you see these two sets of parentheses here and here?” said Jeremy Pelson, Professor Emeritus at MIT, pointing at the first of four lines of the solution to the problem reportedly worth 20 points total with possible partial credit. “FOIL them, then divide by x-squared on both sides and combine this thing with this one here, factor out the coefficients and solve for x and you’re done!”

Before plunking down into his chair with an air of supreme accomplishment, he added that if you got 12 you had probably forgotten that the second and third signs over here should be minuses because of the FOILing in the first step.

Stanford professor Jan Prestoff noted in the concluding remarks that they still weren’t sure if they were supposed to use the formula from the book for the second to last problem but, at this point it wasn’t worth it to go back and redo it from scratch, so they’d just try to convince Ms. Reily that she had told them to use it.

Quiz: Are These One Direction Lyrics or Serial Killer Quotes?

By Shannon Kelly

1. “I was brainwashed into killing Debbie Ackerman and Maria Johnson in November 1971.”
2. “We’re like na na na then we’re like yeah yeah yeah”
3. “I’ve killed so many women I have a hard time keeping them straight”
4. “Katy Perry’s on replay, she’s on replay, DJ got the floor to shake, the floor to shake”
5. “If everytime we tuh-uh-touch, you get this kind of ruh-uh-ush baby say yeah yeah yeah”
6. “I just wanted to see how it felt to shoot Grandma”
7. “Tonight let’s get some and live while we’re young [guitar solo]”
8. “I just said that the Hawkin’s girl’s head was severed and taken up the road about twenty-five to fifty yards and buried in a location about ten yards west of the road on a rocky hillside.”
9. “The demons wanted my penis”
10. “So we laugh at na-na-nothing”
    

Answer Key

1. One Direction 2. Serial killer 3. One Direction 4. Serial killer 5. Serial killer 6. One Direction 7. Serial killer 8. One Direction 9. One Direction 10. Serial killer

Dad Impressed Son Has Friends To Do Drugs With

By Phil Forrence

Monroeville, PA – “He was just never very cool.” Explains local father, Chris Pultonek,who is surprised at his son’s recent involvement with drugs. “He’s not very good looking, he peed his pants until he was nine, and once called the teacher ‘mom’, but on purpose.” He continues, “It’s nice to see that at least someone will rip a bong with him.”

Drug use is considered dangerous for many teens. Even relatively safe narcotics like marijuana can be a gateway to a life of addiction and ruin. Sixteen-year-old Cedric Pultonek, Chris’s son, has weighed these points. He has chosen to take the risk. His father expresses a small amount of worry, but can’t hide his wonder that people willingly hang out with his son.


“He honestly isn’t even fun when he’s high. After he had his wisdom teeth removed but before the anesthesia wore off, Mrs. Pultonek and I had to listen to Cedric recite, in order, the U.S. presidents from Jefferson to Bush 1.” The elder Pultonek reports, still a bit shocked.

“He wasn’t even good at it. He skipped Zachary Taylor and confused Reagan with Nixon. I can see how that would happen what with Nixon being the leading edge of the New Right movement, and Reagan being its golden boy, but their interactions with the Soviet Union really differentiated their foreign policy approaches. If you are going to show off, at least know your stuff.”

When contacted for comment Chris responded, “My dad told you that?”

Cedric Pultonek concluded he’d really like to see if his other dead-beat children take up recreational drugs to boost social acceptance, except maybe try something less lame like coke or ecstasy.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Found Alive at 82

By Phil Forrence

Washington D.C. – Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was found alive in her home in Washington D.C. early Thursday morning. Reports say the justice lived peacefully in her sleep from a condition developed at birth.

Family members said they became suspicious the night before when they continued to smell her over-the-counter bunyon ointment, and continued to hear violent, shallow snoring during re-runs of Who’s the Boss?

Justice Ginsburg’s body was discovered by her daughter, Jane, around 7 a.m. ET. “She just woke up when it was time for her morning plasmapheresis” reports Jane. “It’s so hard to believe she’s still with us.”

RBG survives through her work. A cautious liberal, a staunch advocate for women’s reproductive rights, and the only Justice to request pre-chewed tacos on Taco-Tuesday, Ruth Bader Ginsburg lives on through her influence on this nation and its highest court.