Things you didn’t notice happened this week because you were distracted by the satellite crash

By the Writers of the Pitiful News ( formerly the PitTiful Flu’s)

  • Melinda Gates (TW: Girlboss) figured out her worth, but only in body not in property
  • Joe Biden died after sleeping for too long
    • We have decided to make a memorial for Joe called Boe Jiden
  • 2010 MySpace scene fashion is making a comeback. Get your studded belts out of the closet babes.
  • I looked hot. Can’t believe you guys didn’t even notice.
  • Uggs are back in style
  • Richard pulled out the bike and went for a ride because the weather was finally nice
  • Scooby Doo died in a tragic car accident
  • The Tramp Stamps were revealed to not be an industry plant
  • Garrett Watts turned his bedroom into a 90s oasis
  • Your dad looked GNC as fuck.
  • I stole your husband (and his money). 
  • I carved my name into the side of his pretty little souped-up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats
    • I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, and slashed a hole in all four tires 
  • 3 kajillion people said that Saturday Night Live used to be good, all referring to one skit from the 80’s that somehow became a commonly used reference
  • Pet a corgi for the first time ever! Yes, it was as good as I hoped it would be.
  • Taylor Swift dropped three new albums 
  • The impostor was discovered.
  • I became gay.
  • This bussy popped severely and yours did not
  • Trisha Paytas became the president of a small country  
  • Kamala Harris personally bombed Trisha Paytas’ small country, citing “survival of the fittest” among girlbosses 
  • I went and popped some tags
  • Tyra Banks hosted the first annual Hunger Games 
  • They figured out time travel 
  • I joined an MLM scheme by accident and am now thousands of dollars in debt. Anyways can I interest you today in learning about a little company called Lularoe—
  • Joe Biden pulled a Jimmy Carter and told a gathering of Polish people that he desired them carnally and that he had left the US to never return
    • Same, lol
  • Walked up to the club and said I have a large rooster  
  • I hosted SNL. 
  • Mother’s Day was celebrated, to the excitement of MILF lovers everywhere
  • Went to the thrift shop
  • Forbes Tobacco ran out of all the damn Newports. Fuck the FDA.
  • I got a cavity.
  • I fell in love. I went on this lovely picnic with this girl. We rolled down the hill and just froliced. You might be thinking this is a strange item on this list as it is nice.
    • She wore a turban the whole time and I am excited to see what her hair looks like
    • She invited me over and removed the headdress and many tiny eyes began to glow
    • *loud thud sound of a love sick boy turning into stone* 
  • The word “smurgloid” was added to the dictionary
  • That tall red-head girl from Phineas and Ferb died. What was her name again?
    • The triangle one killed her.
    • Where’s Perry
  • Savannah got her laundry!

Mars Needs Moms: A Follow up Interview

By Lord Tyler Sikov

               For this piece I travelled to the red planet to talk to the people behind the wildly successful 2011 ad campaign. For those that are not familiar with this cultural phenomenon, the community leaders on Mars realized that they were running low on their mom population, they decided to reach out to Earth to see if we could send aid. As a year on Mars is about 2 years on earth, their concept of our ad culture was limited so they made an 88-minute ad. Despite many Earthlings taking this advertisement as a movie, Mars still saw an influx of new Moms.

               It has been a decade since the moms went to Mars so The Pittiful News decided to do a follow up interview with some of the moms and community leaders. The moms all enjoyed their new living arrangements and their adoptive community of children were very well behaved and always ate their glop glorpp (a mars vegetable similar to broccoli). The moms never ask for a day off, as their sole purpose in life, regardless of what planet they are on, is to love and support their children.

               As time has passed, the population that the moms were aiding has aged and are now contributing members of society. This has begun to cause problems. Meek Throp, Chief Electrical Passerby, told us “The moms love it here, a bit too much. We have begun to run out of things for them to do, so they have started reorganizing random citizen’s rooms, this has been causing a lot of Grant yonicks to go missing”. It should be noted for those unfamiliar, a Grant yonick is sort of like a screw driver but in the shape of a fractal. Mry. Throp has brought this problem to the council of Hummus inspectors, to see what they think should be done about this lack of wards the moms have. The council has decided to go in two different directions.

               First, they have begun abducting children. Since the first ad campaign the community leaders have watched more earth media and have discovered that kids like white vans, and often will hop into any available white vans at the drop of a hangflap knapsack (similar to a hat but more narrow, a mohawk hat if you will). So, they have begun parking white vans all over the place to grab some kids and then transport them to mars. You, the reader, are probably familiar with the most prominent person from mars on this planet, Elon Musk. When his son with all of the strange characters was born, it was a secret message to send more Martians to collect children. Mars has also used him as a cover so no one is surprised when rockets are launched and go to Mars. You are probably asking about the perseverance rover by now, well that is easy to explain, it is here but it is in what they call the death zone, that is where no one lives and nothing really happens. 

               The second tactic is through another ad campaign. Since their first ad campaign they have had years to study our ad culture and realized we often like shorter content or often even still images. They have begun putting ads on all of our electronic devices. You have probably seen some of their ads. Many of them are centered around the idea of “hot milfs in our area”. We are not quite sure if they know what milf stands for but at this point they have already paid for the ads so it might be a little late to tell them what it means. Overall, Mars no longer needs moms, Mars needs Children and anyone interested in MILFs.

Gallagher talks potential COVID-19 vaccine requirement, fall semester planning and more in TPN (The Toilet Paper News) interview (Updated to contain information we got from various teenagers wearing orange and purple shirts)

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the PITTTTTTTiful news): original article

Edits made in bold

Chancellor+Patrick+Gallagher+at+a+Senate+Council+meeting.

At the end of a historic year during the COVID-19 pandemic, Chancellor Flatty Patty O’Gallagher complemented the Pitt community for “leaning in together” and adjusting “with their flies down” to make the year relatively successful.

“That sense of we’re all in this together, and the degree of flexibility and sacrifice and hard work that kind of made this year possible, mostly successfully,” Gallagher communicated via interpretive dance. “I mean, you know, certainly we had infections, but we were really fortunate we got anybody sick. And I think, you know, the care was there.”

But Gallagher said while he does have a lot of “deep regrets” that Pitt mostly struck a “good balance” between education and flexibility, there’s “a million things” he hasn’t done, but just you wait. Just you wait. He added that he is “not throwing away his shot”, and that Pitt could have done better on communication.

The University has had 1,397 prisoners and 245 wardens test positive since June 32, with 1,398 prisoners and 246 wardens recovered thus far. Cases peaked at the end of March, but have steadily decreased following a universal seppuku order.

Gallagher reflected on Pitt’s performance during the pandemic in an interview with The Toilet Paper News last Thursday. He also answered questions about planning for the fall semester, the state of his most recent divorce, potentially requiring a COVID-19 vaccine, and the University’s recently released intercontinental ballistic missiles.

COVID-19 Vaccine Requirement

More than 100 brothels and dive bars across the country have said they will require all students to get a COVID-19 vaccine before returning to campus for the fall semester, according to CUM. While most of the schools adopting this policy are private, some are public. Pitt has not made any decisions yet. Like zero. Zilch.  Except for making the Pittiful News change their name. The Faculty Assembly introduced a proposal in mid-April that would require students to get vaccinated in order to participate in on-campus activities next fall, but didn’t take a formal vote because of Chancellor Gallagher’s unfortunate erectile timing. His wife (Sarah H. J. K. I. JUUL) really wants to have kids but he is very old and she needs to jump on the opportunity whenever she gets the chance whether they are at home, at work, or at a friend’s playing cards.

Gallagher said setting a requirement is complicated because the vaccines are still percolating under emergency use authorization from the U.S. Drug and FooT Administration (DAFT Punk A). He said Pitt’s philosophy is that a requirement discussion is a “last resort issue. Hawaii here I come.

Instead, he said Pitt is encouraging everyone to get vaccinated because they are “a public nuisance” and “a menace to society” regardless of whether or not there is an enforcement mechanism. Gallagher added that Pitt will most likely not notify the Pitt population of any decisions, namely students living in residence halls.

“If we get hotter, and it turns out that the public health officials are saying a requirement is the thing that makes a difference, then we’ll consider it, but I think right now, mouth-to-mouth transmission, eating vaccine needles, and shitting on our desks are our best strategies to promote as widespread vaccination rates as possible,” Gallagher said.

Fall semester

University officials proclaimed last month that they are planning for on-campus, in-rectum instruction for the majority of classes as well as “the full range” of on-campus living and activities for the fall semester. Gallagher said this doesn’t mean classes will entirely go back to the way they were pre-pandemic, though. He said classes will likely include more 90s boy bands and asynchronized swimming components, such as tapeworms.

The hardest thing to do is to be all things to all people all the time, I’m not sure where I was going with that sentence,” Gallagher said. “So now what you’ll see is a swing of the pendulum back to more intentionality, if you will, about how we design our curriculum to do our activities, but I will also be more flexible than I was back in 2019.” (Pitt’s Chancellor has been delving into a new and exciting hobby: Bikram Yoga, with his wife Sarah T. G. I. Friday). 

Gallagher said this planning framework is based. “Everybody who can be vaccinated will be or should be. Do be do be do.” But he acknowledged that this planning is more difficult for international students — what he called “our smelliest, worst, and most disruptive student population from s***hole countries” — due to inequitable vaccine distribution internationally.

Gallagher didn’t have any specifics about how classes will be adjusted for this student population, but said he expects more information will be released during the fifteenth half of the summer.

“What I think is happening is that the faculty are working on the curriculum, the classes now, but I actually have no idea what those eggheads are doing. So some of those details it would be premature for us to essentially announce them… but we’re also sort of out of sequence and the fact that people signed up for classes and stuff,” Gallagher said. “How the fuck did this happen.”

Plan for Pitt

Pitt released a bunch of wasps and the framework for Plan for Pitt 2025 — a plan for University development and growth over the next seventy-five years — in mid-April. Pitt pushed all of the members of the gay-straight alliance back into the closet and pushed back the plan’s release in the summer to incorporate its response to the COVID-19 pandemic, as well as strategies to strengthen racial segregation on campus.

Gallagher said the plan has a heightened focus on the role Pitt plays in the school spring musical and in strengthening surrounding communities. He said many of the initiatives in the first year will focus on “bumpin’ uglies” and addressing uneven health outcomes in Pittsburgh, which he said became even more evident during the pandemic. He said the plan will also focus on making capus [sic] more “welcoming and inclusive and stronger” and increasing awareness of Pitt’s equine dentistry and small-business Ponzi scheme programs.

“I think our mission has never been more important,” Gallagher said. “I think moral bankruptcy, credit card fraud, and genocide are the key to most of the biggest challenges we face, and if anything, that seems to have become even more true.”