Local Mom Sends Child To Private School to Establish Elitism Early In Life

By I.S. Mills

Devyn Prescott, of Fox Chapel, is an outspoken advocate for private education of her children and other children in the rich community.

“I think it’s really important that my kids understand from an early age that they are better than other children,” said the 34-year-old mother of two.

Prescott emphasizes that an early exposure to competition and socio-economic caste division makes certain that children attain high social status, financial prosperity, and racist tendencies in the future.

“Like, in public schools, there’s this concept of everybody being treated basically the same no matter their race or income. Which I really didn’t like,” explains Prescott. “My kids are better than other kids. I mean, look at my kid- it’s wearing a fucking North Face and it’s not even below 50 degrees.”

The private-school guru assures that kids who go to private schools do not necessarily need to be smarter or more talented in any way than public school kids.

“I mean shit, my kids half Mike. Of course they’re not going to be very bright,” Prescott laughs, referring to her husband of twelve years. “But they’ve got Confirmation names and a pet hedgehog that has died and been replaced twice without them noticing.”

And if you want a sports star for a child, Prescott says private school is the way to go. “Every public school in the country has a softball team, so there’s less of a chance that my kid will comparatively be the best at it. But there are only three schools in the state that have polo teams. Much higher chance my kid will be good enough at something that I can talk about the national tournament at family get-togethers.”

But fret not, public school parents. Prescott promises there are other ways to guarantee your little aristocrat gets all the attention it needs to overshadow others.

“They could join the marines and become a war hero,” she offers, “or get randomly rich like Bill Gates. It can happen.”

A Tragic Love Story

By Dan Smith

Once upon a time, there was a guy named Bohemius Jackson. He was a tall, chiseled man of Croatian descent living in Amsterdam. One fateful evening he found himself floating down a river in a wooden barrel. He thought to himself, “Ja stvarno želim sam imao milkshake!”

So he crawled his way out of the barrel and swam to shore. As he was wringing out his hair, he saw three men bicycling straight at him! Not three men on three separate bicycles or three men on one three-seated tandem bicycle, but three men on one regular bicycle. Outrageous. “Wat zijn jullie aan het doen?! he yelled in Dutch. “Er zijn twee veel mensen op die fiets! Je gaat jezelf pijn doen!” But the three men scoffed and laughed. They would not slow down. They kept pedaling—er, one of them kept pedaling; the rest balanced and gave Bohemius Jackson menacing looks.

Bohemius Jackson looked on in horror as his damp hair dripped down his neck. Time seemed to pass by in slow motion as the three men barreled forward. Bohemius Jackson initiated a large gulp as he braced himself; he knew what was coming. Bohemius Jackson widened his stance, spread his arms out wide and screamed “Mijn naam is Bohemius Jackson en ik verdomme hou milkshakes! Doe je ergste!” Mere seconds later the three men crashed into Bohemius Jackson in a catastrophic display never before seen by the eyes of man. The front tire of the bicycle smashed into the inner side of Bohemius Jackson’s right knee, and as the wheel spun, it tore the skin open, causing Bohemius Jackson’s right kneecap to fall out and onto the ground.

As the collision proceeded and the bike propelled forward, Bohemius Jackson’s right leg was twisted out of place and eventually dislocated. The initial contact knocked one of the men off balance and he began to fly forward. He groaned and threw his arms forward to catch himself. In doing so, he poked Bohemius Jackson in both of his eyes, rendering them useless.

Bohemius Jackson, now blind, began to panic. He started to flail his arms around and whacked the driver of the bicycle right in the dang temple. This knocked the driver out and he began to fall to the ground, tipping the bicycle with him. The third man on the bicycle tumbled forward in the midst of the collision, and as the bike fell sideways, so did he. He yelled as he hit the ground, and he tumbled into the river and floated downstream. The first man, who poked Bohemius Jackson in the eyes, landed behind Bohemius Jackson, who was now staggering around, blind and crippled. Enraged, the man picked himself up and hit Bohemius Jackson with a powerful kick to the side of Bohemius Jackson’s now kneecap-less knee. Bohemius Jackson yelped in pain and fell to the ground in despair. “Waarom?!” he bellowed to the sky; it began to drizzle.

Adrenaline coursing through his blood, Bohemius Jackson collected himself and examined his attacker, who was standing a few yards away, with a staggered stance like that of a sumo wrestler prepared to engage in combat. “Waarom doe je me dit aan?” Bohemius Jackson asked the man. The man rolled his eyes, laughed, and spat on Bohemius Jackson—an impressive distance, it is worth noting. This sparked Bohemius Jackson into action. Bohemius Jackson stood, relying on his one good leg. He leapt at the man and swung a fist, but the man dodged it and parried away. The man then brought his right hand to his forehead, sticking out his index finger and thumb in the shape of an “L” while sticking his tongue out. Now Bohemius Jackson was furious.

He reached into his back pocket and pulled out three shuriken; the man looked on in horror.

“Oh neuken! Je hebt verdomme shuriken? Neuken!!” he exclaimed.

Bohemius Jackson laughed heartily and threw the three shuriken into the man’s neck, shoulder and torso. The man collapsed and bled to death. Today, justice was served.

To be continued…

Thankful on Thanksgiving: A complete list

Even though this year has been a dumpster fire filled with burning diapers, there is still so much to be thankful for! We here at The Pittiful News decided to take some time together to discuss our thanks to give and came up with a complete, comprehensive list!

What we’re thankful for:

• Land Before Time
• Hallmark (the store)
• Hallmark (the channel)
• Moms
• Gilmore Girls
• Trampolines
• Eye patches (shout-out to the lady on the bus with a bedazzled denim eyepatch)
• Plane engines that work
• Italian food
• Montages of Italian food
• Montage music
• Saxophones
• Gloves
• That video of Steve Irwin wrestling an emu
• Steve Irwin
• Who’s that guy that narrates Planet Earth
• Stop signs
• Squirrels
• Hummus
• Metal
• Detectives
• Soft cheeses
• My Google
• Cool stickers
• Plungers
• Cool socks (but not toe socks)
• The Knowles family
• Holes (the concept, not the movie_
• Bones (the enamel, not the show)
• “Make a man out of you”
• Doggy paddling (performed by humans)
• Forensic analysis
• Heaters that aren’t loud
• Star fish
• Fried stuff
• Fields
• Mrs. Fields
• Bonfires
• Fire
• Firefighters
• Oscar Isaac
• The five senses
• IMDb
• Comprehensive lists
• Incomprehensive lists
• Puppies
• Morbidly obese rabbits
• Cheetos
• Morbidly obese babies
• Thicc steaks
• Bo Obama
• Very Very small iguanas
• The year 2020
• Videos of emus

What are you thankful for? Tweet at us @thepittifulnews

“Nasty Woman” And 6 Other Donald Trump Phrases to Use in Interviews

By Shannon Kelly

“Please describe yourself.” It’s one of the first things employers ask in an interview, but how to do you convey all of who you are in mere words? Let’s take note from Donald himself.

1. “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody” Perfect if you’re applying to any retail position! They want to know you have limits, and regular people can push them.
2. “A very good brain.” Business professionals take note! This business-man didn’t get to the position he’s in by not just coming right out and saying how smart he is.
3. “I know more about ISIS than the generals do.” This is the most obvious one. Get it out of the way as early as possible.
4. “A nasty woman” A classic. You’re Nasty—that’s your brand. Make sure employers know what they’re getting into when they hire you.
5. “I know Russia well—I had a major event in Russia two or three years ago. Miss Universe contest, which was a big, big incredible event—an incredible success” It’s hard for employers to trust your organizing skills, so tell them upfront your history with foreign beauty pageants.
6. “I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful” This phrase is useful if you get the classic “why are you qualified for this position” question.
7. “I love Hispanics” This one is a great starter; it shows you’re full of compassion. I would actually start with this phrase even if you’re not prompted to. Handshake then “I love Hispanics”

The New Celebrity Roast

By Jessica Simpson

Comedy Central has made the decision to revamp the celebrity roast after the Rob Lowe/Ann Coulter fiasco, and the Pittiful News has the inside scoop on the new show.  James Franco, Gwyneth Paltrow, Justin Bieber, Martha Stewart, and James Franco have already signed contracts with Comedy Central for the New Celebrity Roast.    

Producers from the Food Network have partnered with Comedy Central in order to redesign the iconic celebrity roast. Celebrities will challenge one another to cook the best roast.  The competition in the kitchen will be much like Masterchef, as professional chefs judge the A-list celebrities and James Franco on their cooking chops.   Before the winner is announced, the celebrities will taste and then critique each other’s dishes, “roast the roast,” if you will.  A rep for Comedy Central explained that it seemed like an appropriate way to continue the spirit of the traditional celebrity roast—the biting jokes—and make it more appealing to a wider range of viewers with legit food.  

The episodes will be divided based on the type of roast the celebrities must cook: Round roast, Chuck roast, Pot Roast, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice, Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake.  Sorry I got carried away, there.  More roasts include Bottom Round Roast, Eye of Round Roast, Tenderloin, James Franco, and Pot Roast again because who doesn’t love a darn good pot roast?  Because of the limited amount of roasts, Comedy Central has announced that the New Celebrity Roast will be broadcast as a miniseries beginning on January 7, 2017 at 8/9 CT.   So make a date with your couch and James Franco and get pumped!

If reading this has made you hungry for a roast, please visit

www.epicurious.com/ingredients/all-about-beef-roasts-from-chuck-to-rump-article.

Nation’s Masochists Rally Behind Trump

By Leo Corman

As Election Day nears and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump struggles to win the support of many key demographics, one prominent group has continued to back him—masochists. “When most people think of masochists, they only think of physical suffering,” said Alec Pain, a spokesperson for the Society of National Masochists, “But we’re all for emotional suffering too.”

Pain and other masochists feel the same distress and anxiety in response to Trump’s divisive rhetoric as many other Americans—that’s the whole point. “I listen to Trump’s narcissistic, hate-filled speeches, and I’m genuinely worried about the future of our country,” said Pain. “And man, what a rush that is!”

While they agree that Trump is entirely unqualified to become President, most masochists cannot resist the urge to vote for a candidate who will bring them so much pleasure. “Every time I hear him talk about that stupid wall I get a little tingling sensation,” admitted David Ouchy, another member of the SNM. “If he became President, just imagine all of the offensive gaffes, the foreign policy blunders, the vague promises unfulfilled … I’m already aroused just thinking about it!”

Thus while most Americans contemplate November 8th with dread, a few might truly be excited by the results.

Study Shows Grown Adults Who Drink a Full Glass of Milk Just Aren’t Right

By Hannah Lynn

A new study by the National Milk Association of America (NMAA) shows that fully grown adults who drink a full glass of milk for pure pleasure, just aren’t right. This study is not endorsed by the FDA, the Dairy Industry, or any of those celebrities who advertised milk in 2007.

“Look, our studies show that when an adult human drinks a full glass of milk, just for the heck of it, there is something fundamentally off about them. Though I can’t say why, we haven’t gotten that far yet,” said Jeana Warner, head researcher at NMAA.

Milk can best be defined as a creamy, opaque substance produced by the mammary glands of mammals, though humans typically only drink cow’s milk straight. It usually comes in several varieties including 1%, Skim, and whole milk.

“If you ever meet a guy that drinks whole milk everyday, run for the fucking hills,” says Warner. “He probably has a greasy middle part and a sick Nancy Reagan obsession. He might carry a rifle or switchblade of sorts.”

Milk drinking usually only lasts through early childhood, as a way to promote healthy bone growth and strength. However some people just can’t quit the cold creamy drink.

UPDATE:

Some adults still like to drink WARM milk.

“Yes actually, there’s been a surprising number of subjects that still want a glass of warm milk before bed,” confirmed Warner. According to the NMAA study, nearly 40% of adults still crave the occasional glass of milk, while 37% of those milk drinkers prefer to drink it warm. WARM. Like from the teat. This is where I lose journalistic objectivity because some things in life are too atrocious. WARM. MILK. Sorry Gary, I just can’t finish this story.

Find a new reporter for your milk beat.

An Open(ed) Letter to Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

By I. S. Mills

The Internet is no stranger to “open letters”: those impassioned online rants with little or nothing new to say. Here at the Pittiful News, we believe that real, pen-on-paper, opened letters have a greater power to illuminate the issues that matter. In our quest for transparency, we may have uncovered the next mail scandal of the 2016 election.

Hillary Clinton has been lambasted for holding secret email conversations on a private account during her term as secretary of state, but that’s nothing compared to the overflow of secret physical mail we found hidden in a metal box on ousted DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’s private property. Get ready to lambaste again, America, because the following letter gives a whole new meaning to “irresponsible”.

Hi Deb,

I decided that your birthday gift for Mike warranted an old-fashioned letter rather than a text, “LOL”. Thank you so much for the rice cooker- what a thoughtful choice! Mike loves it and he has been making dinners in it multiple times per week, so it’s a treat for me as well, ha! How are the kids doing? Around here, Michael Jr. is preparing for his SATs already, and Alicia’s swim team just made the state championships! The time really flies, doesn’t it? It feels like only yesterday that Alicia and Shelby were splashing around in the surf at Key West- the “Good Old Days”!

I imagine that you’re keeping busy with the upcoming election, but as you know, our annual Halloween party is just around the corner… please feel free to stop by with Steve and the kids! I’ll be making my famous “witches’ fingers” cookies ☺

I’d love to chat if you have a few free minutes at some point during these hectic back-to-school weeks! Phone me anytime.

With love,

Allison

Disgusting. If Wasserman-Schultz thinks she can get away with this kind of blatant personal privacy, she’d better think again. There’s no way the former DNC chairwoman will be able live down this one.