We spent a night locked in Cathy here is what happened

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Bootiful News) 

An Abandoned church in the Czech Republic filled with ...
  • Scheduled my first colonoscopy along with Dean Bonner for emotional support.
  • Befriended the falcons :)
    • Ate a peregrine falcon as a midnight snack
  • I met Matthew.
  • Felt like the the empty void of Cathy’s hallways matched my true emotional state of mind
  • Tried to make a penis shape with the victory lights but accidentally made a shape that resembles Gilbert Gottfried
  • Called 911 and they laughed at me.
  • Pretended I was a cashier at Lowes.
  • Became a father in a sense.
  • Ran a lemonade stand, made $13.
    • Didn’t make enough to pay taxes, though. I am safe from the IRS for another year.
      • Launder the money thru roblox robux
  • Got up to some devious licks.
  • Tried on every bra in the Lost and Found section.
  • Met the Secret Mole People Society in the basement.
    • They were having a GBM and they were super nice.
  • Went to bed with a striped gown, lit candle, and slept making the noise “snork… mi mi mi mi mi”.
  • Burnt unsold Certified Lover Boy albums for warmth.
  • Performed a very intimate maneuver on the vending machines to get my dinner (it didn’t work, I’m so hungry).
    • Broke the vending machines on the ground floor.
  • Heard someone yell behind me to scan my Pitt card, but when I turned around, no one was there.
  • I wandered from floor to floor looking for the Cathy Club. I keep posting on r/pitt asking how to join and if someone wants to go to a meeting with me, but nobody answered so I had to take matters into my own hands. The closest thing I found was a dead cicada in Room 349. 
  • Nutted in every nationality room.
    • I, um, joined the Cathy Club, with the ghost from the Early American Room.  
  • Did my standup comedy routine. It was the most people I’ve ever performed for! 
  • Stood in the Italian Room and wondered how these guys figured out how to make pizza.
  • Kept the bathroom stall door open while I peed.
  • Unlocked the walk thru walls glitch on the 34th floor mens’ bathroom
  • Found the Pitiful News meeting on Floor 3 (they somehow got trapped as well?)
    • Wait… who wrote this? — Ed.
  • I screamed.
    • It echoed and it was super spooky. I got scared. 
  • Used the Big Girl Potty aka the urinal.
    • Do you guys eat the urinal cake?
      • This is how I got HPV.
    • Yes my fave is red velvet. They have them on the 3rd floor. 
    • I like blue raspberry.
  • Looked out the window and thought “Damn, I am high up”.
    • I was on floor 2, I am scared of heights.
    • I went to floor 5 to feel true fear and I passed out for a couple of hours.
    • I went to floor 420 and thought “Damn, I am high.”
  • Whittled a miniature version of Chancellor Gallagher’s lizard dick.
  • Turned on the lights in every classroom.
  • Turned off the lights in every classroom to save energy. 
  • Broke my femur by rolling down Stairwell F on Chancellor Gallagher’s chair.
  • Realized I was in the WPU, but kept exploring because my mom said to try new things in college.
  • Circumcised myself in the Jewish room.
    • (ow)
  • Got cozy and went to bed. I always keep a snuggie in my backpack just in case. 
  • I met the Zodiac Killer (Rafael “Ted” Cruz) in the basement 
  • Programmed the Victory Lights so they flash to the tune of “Never Gonna Give You Up”.
  • Programmed the lights to flash in Morse Code. 
    • No, I didn’t write “SOS”, I wrote “boobs”.
  • Committed genocide in the Native American room (that’s why there isn’t one anymore).
  • Jumped out a window and instantly respawned inside.  
  • I met this guy, he told me I was a star, he held the door, held my hand in the dark, yeah he is perfect on paper but he is lying to my face, does he think that I’m the kind of girl who needs to be saved. There is one more boy he’s from my past, we fell in love but it didn’t last. 
    • I inducted him to the Cathy Club <3
  • Swapped out all the chairs for giant hacky sacks.
    • Those are called bean bags?
  • Played Cookie Clicker on every computer in the Computer Lab.
  • Used all my printing quota money to photocopy pictures of my ass.
  • Learned the secret code to get to the top floor is 80085.
  • Received a wire transfer for $5,000 in the Nigerian Room.
  • Got my clothes stolen in the Indian Room.
    • Security guard lady ran away when she saw me naked (bruh).
  • Was really really loud (during quiet hours!!!!!)
  • Doordashed myself food and locked the dasher in the 8th floor bathroom.
  • Performed a sad one-man puppet show with my own socks.
  • Kissed a security guard on the mouth.
  • Licked some devious guys.
  • Chained myself upside down from the ceiling of the Commons Room.
  • I discovered an ancient Native American graveyard underneath the building, this explains why the rulers of your university are evil, they have been cursed.
    • … your? University?
  • Swiped right on anybody with a mushroom emoji in their Tinder bio.
    • Mushrooms ARE tasty!
  • Had to fight Voldemort at 3 AM (he got hands).
  • Used the last 2 percent of my phone battery to listen to Double Dutch Bus by Frankie Smith (plz listen nobody listens when I ask them to listen). 
  • Learned how to make accurate bird noises.
  • I took a self-paced course on Gothic architecture. 
  • Did the “pee in my own mouth” challenge.
  • Generally did fun and funky things.
  • Tried to get through a Pitt News article. I fell asleep 2 lines in. 
  • Niddled a widdle piddle.
  • Got falcon punched in the balls. 
    • (ouch)
  • Punched a falcon in the balls.
    • (caw)
  • Only cried for 3 hours watching the Cory in the House anime ending.
  • Found the secret underground passage that leads to the Pitt Druids headquarters. 
  • Jumped off the roof.

Holidays happening around now

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittttttttttttttttttttiful newwwwwwwwwwwwwwwws)

25 Most Beautiful Happy Holidays Stock Photos & Wish ...
  • Sukkot (Jewish Tent Day)
  • Singing Taylor Swift’s “Red” to Celebrate Fall Day
  • Career day for Engineers
  • A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
  • Kyrgyz Independence Day
  • Trent’s Birthday 
  • Local Pickle Day
  • International “Let’s Kill Tyler” Day
    • No… wait…. don’t ki
  • A lot of people’s first exams 
  • October Fool’s Day
  • Turkmen Independence Day
  • Time To Eat Candy Corn
  • Pennsylvania wet and unsatisfying high-five day
  • It’s October 3rd (Mean Girls Day)
    • That’s so fetch 
  • Mesothelioma Awareness Day 
    • Have you or a loved one been affected?
  • National Novel Writing Day, when you write a novel  
  • Uzbek Independence Day
  • National Pitt Homecoming Day
  • Holiday When You Wear Crocs
  • National Chocolate Milk Day
  • Punxsutawney Phil’s Last Day
  • The 5th of November 
  • National Daughters Day
  • Tajik Independence Day
  • Halloween >:)
  • National Sex Offender Day (National Strawberry Milk Day)
  • National Ben Stiller parasocial relationship day
    • He was so good in Night at the Museum though 
  • National dress up as the Branch Davidians and reenact Waco day
  • Not April 25th “The Perfect Date” Day
  • Shemini Atzeret (Jewish Rain Dance Day)
  • Holiday Where You Convert Someone to Veganism Day
  • National Attend Your Grandchild’s Birthday Day
  • National Atheists Going Up to Random People and Inviting Them to a Repentance Circle Day
  • Ask a Stupid Question Day
    • What’s that?
  • National “Tell Sonya You Think She’s Funny” Day
    • <3 -Sonya
    • You suck – The LORD
  • Kazakh Independence Day
  • International Raccoon Appreciation Day

I’m Bi

By Lord Tyler Sikov

I know last year I came out as a homo but now, after some soul searching, I have discovered I am in fact bi. One of the key things that made me realize this was that I could understand people on multiple sides.  Love is love, and I naturally can express my love to a wider variety of people. I am still getting used to the physicality of it all. Different types of people have very different body language and the way that that relates to how they show their love varies between the groups I am interested in.

It took me longer than I would have liked to come out like this, I guess the signs were all there. I have been known to rock a plaid shirt when it is colder out and then tie it around my waist when things get hot. I have trouble sitting in chairs so much of the time I sit on the floor, which is very common in my new culture. I have had to rework my hand gestures entirely because they have different meanings to people in my new community. Instead of giving a thumbs up which some see as rude I have begun using finger guns. I have also begun filling my room with colorful flags.

My family, friends, and community have been noticing that I go off to study very often and I believe they understand what is going on. I have been using words I never used to use. I shut myself in my room a lot just to figure out how to say things properly. Sometimes I question if I really am poly or if that is at least what I will figure out eventually, but nope, I am bi. Biphobia is real and I am worried that since I am so new to some of the things is am trying, I will be ridiculed. Some people have been bi since they were 5 years old and it just seems to come so naturally to them. I am sadly not surrounded by many bi people, so I don’t have many people to practice with. I have sometimes resorted to going up to people and directly asking them if they understand what I am saying for example “Do you listen to sweater weather?” or “¿Escuchas el clima de suéter?”. Most people have no idea what I am talking about but sometimes I find that perfect person who just gets me and we are able to talk all night long.

Many people think that just because I am bi I can do it with anyone but that is not the case. I only speak 2 languages, English and Spanish, that is what being bi to me is. So, I am not able to talk to everyone in every language. I’m bilingual, I am not a polyglot. I feel that this is also a good time to tell all of my readers that I am panromantic. I will keep you all posted on if anything changes. Until next time, just remember everybody talks ;).

Things that we forgot happened during in-person classes

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Mitt Romniful News)

DCSS: 44.1% of students return to in-person classes ...
  • Learning
  • I enjoy keep ripping tissues in the bathroom
  • People click pens (not parody or satire just stop plz nobody likes u) 
  • Professors take down their masks.  Like a lot.  To eat raw ground turkey out of a Yeti mug. 
  • Being conscious of the sound of my breathing
  • Putting on pants
  • Taking off pants
  • Trading pants with your friends
  • Talking to people (Yuck!)
  • Eye contact with the professor
  • Spilled baked beans all over myself
  • The person in front of you takes a selfie and you have to pretend like you haven’t been staring at their phone for the past hour
  • Everyone behind me can see that I’m playing Spider Solitaire instead of taking notes
  • The Berlin Wall was constructed in 1961 (I forgot that it happened then)
  • Painting your professor like one of your French girls
  • During a peer-review in English class I accidentally handed my partner my handwritten Larry Stylinson smut.  She graded it according to the essay rubric and I got a 100%
  • Tod cheating off me in Calc 2 (Fuck off Tod!)
  • You’re expected to tip the pizza delivery guy extra to make up for him having to awkwardly interrupt the class to bring you your large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese
  • Everyone smelling everyone’s farts
  • Shouldn’t go on illegal black market websites on the school’s wifi
  • People dropping their hydroflasks and the depressing ringing as it rolls down under the seats
    • My hydroflask rolling into the street and into a storm drain such that I must confront an It-style clown to get it back
  • Makeout circle (icebreakers, everyone hates em)
  • I am expected to give the person in front of me a massage, and I’m considered rude if I don’t
  • Were you toooo fast?
  • Drawing a penis on the TI-83 Graphing calculator
    • Oddly familiar pinwheels work too
    • 8008135
      • 5,318,008 but upside-down
      • 1134 but upside-down
  • Can’t use my piss drawer anymore
  • Putting my dick in the pencil sharpener
  • Honestly, TopHat should be made illegal. 
  • Selecting the worst answers in my psych lecture TopHat to destroy the integrity of the survey
  • Clipping your toenails in the Scottish nationality room is apparently frowned upon
    • Having to remember which nationality rooms are okay for toenail clipping
      • The French room is cool with it
        • You can go thru the invisible wall in the men’s bathroom on floor 34
  • The guy next to me keeps reporting me for matching the description of a local murder culprit (Back off, Bret; it’s none of your business!)
  • Showing up to class without pants is not as ok
  • Water bottle flip in class (like a boss) (dab)
  • Tummy rumbles
  • Bringing my pets for show and tell was not well received
    • They have to be alive too wtf
  • Every person in this room is a living, breathing individual, with hopes and aspirations, just like me. I am not the only one who matters, and I am but a mere speck in this cosmic infinity.
    • (Or am I?)
  • Sniffing all your classmates seats after they leave
  • I am no longer able to stare at myself on the screen like a modern-day Narcissus 
  • Without filters, people will suddenly uncover the truth that I am, in fact, not a literal potato
  • “Goodnight, sweet prince”
  • Watching twitch.tv in class (i love pokimane hAHaA)
  • Leaving negative ratemyprofessor reviews because the professor was way hotter on zoom
  • Worrying that the almond milk in your coffee cup will cause someone to go into anaphylactic shock during your history lecture
  • Showing up 10 minutes early, but somehow almost all the seats are taken already?? 
    • Sitting in classmates’ laps when there aren’t enough seats
    • Trying not to get hard when someone sits in ur lap 
    • Trying to get hard when someone sits in your lap
      • Sorry I get nervous
    • Whispering in the other person’s ear while the professor is talking
      • It’s free real estate
    • It’s getting weird now the professor is sitting on my lap
      • Especially since we’re the only two people in the room right now
      • God I love homeschool 
  • “Hey you! explain circumcision!”
    • Can no longer compare circumcisions with classmates
      • They really botched mine haha wanna see
        • Haha what if you showed me after class
          • Haha I’ll show you mine if you show me yours 
            • I mean, I’m not gay, but it could be funny. I get it if that’s too weird for you, though, unless… ;)
              • No yeah haha it would be hilarious right? But wait, what if we get hard?
                • *unzips your pants*
  • The Eatery- that’s all I have to say
    • Who the fuck calls it the Eatery it will always be the Market  re. whatever it’s dang name is… 
  • I can no longer use dark/blurry lighting to hide how fucking ugly I am
  • The Marxist man with the megaphone 
  • My teacher made us all remove our masks to passionately kiss each of us individually, the problem is I am an engineering major and there are few girls in my class
  • Discussing nautical literature
  • I can’t blame slow internet for my shortcomings
  • I can’t say that “I forgot to mute myself” after the class hears me complain about the Voting Rights Act of 1965 for 3 straight minutes
  • Interlocking toes with your TA
  • Jag måste tala svenska utan Google Translate
  • Deutsch sprechen müssen ohne Google Translate
  • I can’t lean back into the shadows when I start tearing up
  • Speaking in tongues during attendance
  • The Tower Line that went back to Panther Central 
    • Not being able to see the board because the line for Panther Central stretches through the classroom and blocks your view
  • Attending public speaking class, going to the front of the room to say your speech, mooning the class.
  • Drinking from your water bottle during your 8am and realizing it was actually your leftover titos and mio from the previous weekend, continuing to sip 
  • It’s not socially acceptable to keep my pee bucket at my feet (Learned that the hard way; oops!)
  • Everyone looking when I play Bop It
  • Peeing in my hydroflask because I can’t afford to go to the bathroom and miss precious lecture
    • Accidentally drinking the piss because i thought it was water
  • Prof found the “Homework” folder 
    • Homework found the “Professor” folder [eyes emoji]
  • Unlike the bathroom at my house, at school I have to get on all fours with the toilet between by legs and arms so that I can then pee into the bowl
  • Someone spilled their bong water in my bio lab
    • Drinking someone’s bong water off of the floor of my bio lab with those straw glasses 
  • Punching a kid because he stole my pencil (Not allowed to teach anymore smh)
  • Swiping the sharp edge of my binder through my pussy
  • I have to bring my own condoms to eat during snack time
  • Rubbing my nipples everytime i answer questions in class
  • Keeping my laptop on reddit.com so everyone can see my reddit karma (sunglasses)
  • When you realize your AirPods aren’t working in class and your R rated show plays during your exam

Fall’s Hottest New Hairstyles

By Evan Rafferty

Funny Hair Cut - the barber left his scissors there

The Macchiato

  • A delightful ode to everyone’s favorite beverage! A dyed white base, and dark brown on top with extra frizz to emulate the steam rising off of a delicious piping hot espresso shot.

The Swiffer Duster

  • Just a perm mohawk, but rectangular and only on the very top of the dome. Blue dye optional.

The “Vin Diesel”

The NASDAQ

  • Long bangs with random high and low diagonals cut into the wall of hair. Perfect for finance bros looking to make a good impression during their summer internships.

The “Samuel L. Jackson”

The Succulent

  • Green spikes of random length, sticking straight out of the head. Needs plenty of sunlight to maintain liveliness. 

The “Bruce Willis”

The Lakeland Look

  • A series of splotchy, stringy, avant-garde strips of fuzz representing glacier-carved lagoons.

The Handlebar Plus

  • The classic flowy middle part, except there are only two thick strands of hair that drape over the forehead and are pushed back over the ears. Shave everything else off. 

The Quarterlife Crisis

  • Reject the Big Barber Industrial Complex. Let your hair grow! Hell, don’t even wash it. Societal norms only exist to keep the masses in line. Fight against it. Rage. Thrash. Join us.

The “Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson”

What the Writers of the Pitiful News did with our Long Labor Day Weekend

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the United Pittiful News Laborers of America Party (U P N LAPs))

Sep 6 | Happy Labor Day 2021 | Middletown, CT Patch
  • Labored
  • Went into labor. Like, with a child. Children, in fact– we now have twins
  • Played Tree #3… in a forest
  • Dropped all of my classes
  • Streamed “Certified Lover Boy” 61 million times
  • Your mother, of course 
  • Double dutch 
  • Double homicide 
  • Cried. Slowly and softly. 
  • Jumped in slow motion, just like in the movies! 
  • Sniffed my cat in a respectful way
  • Removed bodily autonomy from millions of people  
  • Bought an NFT of a TikTok 
  • Bought a TikTok of an NFT 
  • Cosplayed as Ted Cruz 
  • “Nation-building” 
  • Listened to Linkin Park on repeat until my body began vibrating 
  • Got kicked out of Ribfest for trying to sell human ribs  
  • Got kicked out of Welsfest for trying to sell artesian wells
  • Saw this weird person having some kind of music-induced seizure 
  • Had some pretty good hummus 
  • Adopted a baby for a YouTube video that didn’t even do that well 
  • Kissed my cats’ little white socks
  • Said hi to my dad  
  • Sucked on my cats’ toes 
  • Tried to sleep overnight at Walmart, but an employee caught me hiding behind the toilet paper rolls
  • Showed up to the Pitt v. UMass game in a Jets jersey 
  • Created the first flipbook porno 
    • Created the first flipbook Mario x Sonic porno
  • Invented the first solar-panelled flashlight
  • Gave a Ted Talk on why dunce caps should be brought back
  • Leaked Dean Bonner’s emails
    • Leaked Dean Bonner’s nude emails
  • Photoshopped a mullet onto the Fairy Godmother from Shrek 2
  • Stayed until the end of the Pitt v. UMass game because I am chronically addicted to any sporting event, no matter how grotesque in score 
  • Forgot all the words to Sweet Caroline 
    • BUM BUM BUM
  • Explored each others’ bodies
  • Became the first person to fit Cathy up my arse
  • Switched up the arrows in Ikea and watched people walk in circles
  • A bunch of my friends from orientation week went up to the top floor of Cathy! So cool to be in the Cathy Club! 
  • Watched the first and last episodes of every anime 
  • Hacked into the Pentagon with my Nintendo DS Lite
  • Tweeted from the GameBoy color in Pharaoh Tutankhamen’s tomb 
  • Posted an affirmation so people think I’m endearing and approachable
    • Or submissive and breedable, that works too
  • Scrolled through the Pitt Missed Connections Instagram hoping, begging that someone saw me on the street and thought I was cool. Not that I care.
  • Dug a big hole in the ground 
  • Nutted in a water balloon 
  • I tattooed a wall (I forgot the word for it)
  • Watered my nut balloon so he grows up big and strong
  • Walked around Forbes in 70s style clothes so people think I am a quirky time traveller
  • Fucked ur mom, again
  • Killed a straight man

What Students Will Be Allowed To Do Now That Classes Are Flexible (for a Limited Time Only)

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Knittiful News)

Flex @ Pitt: Classroom Experiences | Office of the Provost ...

In person

  • Wear shoes
  • Buy one TA, get the second one half off 
  • Students are expected to zoom into classes during bathroom breaks
  • Lick your professor on his shiny bald head   
  • Distribute pictures of your own Tinder profile
  • Get yelled at for eating in class
  • Pass notes like the good old days
  • Cry
  • Awkwardly ask people to join the groupme irl
  • Awkwardly ask people to join reality in the groupme
  • Sit in the front of the class only to play tetris during the entire lecture
  • Hide your daily after-lunch boner
  • Make up your own language 
  • Bring your dog to eat the classwork
  • Bring your dog to eat the professor
  • Advertise my LinkedIn profile in-person: https://www.linkedin.com/in/eric-brinling-0044b11b8/ 
  • Audition for the lead role 
  • Purposefully don’t answer your teacher’s questions, forgetting you’re not on mute
  • Arson (not legally)
  • Arson (but legal this time, called a bonfire)
  • Bring my cats as they are my emotional support pillows 
  • Dance like nobody is watching (even though everyone is watching)
  • Go on a date with the cute sophomore that sits right in front of you in your public speaking class, go on further dates until you make a young man’s mistake and must father a child when you are only a junior in college. In 30 years when your kid is grown up and you are in your 50s you will wonder where it all went wrong, and then you will remember that this is all written in a satire article and you are a girl who could not produce a natural child with another girl (as of said article being written) and now you are happy knowing that dropping out of college on your first day ever
  • Stunt on the haters in my Supreme velour tracksuit  
  • Break out into spontaneous song and dance
  • Ask the teacher to play Toy Story 2
  • Kahoot without internet lag 
    • I’m still never the first one to join the game :(
  • Be in the hospital as i will inevitably be infected by the stupid people in my Chem 1 class that is filled with 300 pre-med freshman from “15 minutes outside of Philadelphia”
  •  Get lost and show up half an hour late
    • Very intentionally show up late, but with a coffee
  • Just stop showing up because the Delta variant is literally right around the corner and your professor is probably really old but really sweet and you care for them :)
  • Kill your professor (accidentally on purpose)

At home

  • Refuse to wear a mask (at home only)
  • Cough up blood
  • Turn off your camera, and then your computer 
  • Eat my own hands 
  • Advertise my LinkedIn profile online: https://www.linkedin.com/in/eric-brinling-0044b11b8/ 
  • Flip your prof off from under your laptop
  • Yell at your mom off camera but maybe leave the mic on because you want them to know that this whole online thing was a mistake
  • Cry (but this time more discreetly)
  • Tweet a naughty word 
  • Play Papa’s Cupcakeria in another tab
  • Pay attention (if you’re a nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd lololololol)
  • Speedrun Minecraft
  • Rap battle your friend over Zoom private messages
  • Keep your mic muted because your parents are fighting again (bruh)
  • Stay in the Zoom call for five minutes after class because you didn’t notice the class ended
  • Be the dumbass that forgets to mute their mic for the 100th time -_-
  • Show up to class naked (like a boss)
  • Awkwardly remain silent when the professor puts you into breakout rooms
  • Be the funny guy in the class GroupMe!! Haha!! I have a personality give me attention!!1!!
  • Be the quirky person that turns their video on while everybody has theirs off
  • Pretend to be an African prince asking for money in the Zoom chat
  • Turn your room upside down and pretend it’s right side up by hanging off the ceiling on the Zoom call
  • Turn your room upside down and pretend you’re in Australia
  • Turn your room upside down and pretend you’re a bat
  • Turn your room upside down and pretend you’re an early 20th century artist of the Dada movement, which began under the tutelage of Hugo Ball at the Cabaret Voltaire in Zurich, Switzerland, during the First World War as a rebellion against the violence, skillfully utilizing an almost violent and shocking new form of “anti-art” to go against the establishment that facilitated the destruction of so many lives.
  • Cry
  • Zoom in from an active missile silo
  • Tell your professor you can’t hear them to waste 15 mins of class
  • Cheat on the syllabus
  • Change the syllabus with Inspect Element (no homework)
  • Marry Jeff Bezos, gain enough money to purchase the entirety of the Zoom corporation, then gain the ability to mute your professor at will
  • Ask your professor if you can use Discord instead
  • Set your face as your background and pretend to be frozen
  • Attend class while in the shower, sans cat loofah as he was taken by APS (Animal Protective Services), not for the loofah stuff, that was completely legal it was because  we had been creating Catgirls to work in all of the new Chipotles using his DNA
  • Get kicked out of the zoom meeting

Things we forgot to bring to campus

By The Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Littiful News, like lit, cause we are so lit)

  • Barbeque sauce for my titties  
  • Socks 
  • Veggietales season 69 on VHS
  • Pepper spray
  • Chicken cutlet bra inserts 
  • My emotional support girlfriend 
  • 54 copies of Vince Vaughn’s Fred Claus on VHS 
  • My therapist’s contact information  
  • 1567 boxes of sudafed
  • Fire arms 
  • Potato sacks for racing 
  • Russian nesting dolls that bear a strange resemblance to Roseanne Barr 
  • Cat loofah 
  • My Panther Card  
  • Large knives and open flames 
    • Oh wait, I did bring those
  • Tooth Brush
  • Athlete’s foot medication  
  • My cats
  • Potato sack for carrying my potatoes 
  • Directions to the gym 
  • My lust for Oscar the grouch
    • This is the semester of me, I can not be bogged down by romantic interests in even the most divine garbage people 
  • My 12 oscar trophies, I won them for moonlight  
  • Squatty potty 
  • My Pitt ID 

The New Pitiful News Constitution

By Your beloved President, Lord Tyler

Clauses marked (+) are still valid under the new naming regulations, but with a few minor amendments. Clauses marked (*) were omitted in all later reissues of the charter. In the charter itself the clauses are not numbered, and the text reads continuously. The translation sets out to convey the sense rather than the precise wording of the original Latin.

JOHN, by the grace of God King of England, Lord of Ireland, Duke of Normandy and Aquitaine, and Count of Anjou, to his archbishops, bishops, abbots, earls, barons, justices, foresters, sheriffs, stewards, servants, and to all his officials and loyal subjects, Greeting.

KNOW THAT BEFORE GOD, for the health of our soul and those of our ancestors and heirs, to the honour of God, the exaltation of the holy Church, and the better ordering of our kingdom, at the advice of our reverend fathers Stephen, archbishop of Canterbury, primate of all England, and cardinal of the holy Roman Church, Henry archbishop of Dublin, William bishop of London, Peter bishop of Winchester, Jocelin bishop of Bath and Glastonbury, Hugh bishop of Lincoln, Walter bishop of Worcester, William bishop of Coventry, Benedict bishop of Rochester, Master Pandulf subdeacon and member of the papal household, Brother Aymeric master of the knighthood of the Temple in England, William Marshal earl of Pembroke, William earl of Salisbury, William earl of Warren, William earl of Arundel, Alan of Galloway constable of Scotland, Warin fitz Gerald, Peter fitz Herbert, Hubert de Burgh seneschal of Poitou, Hugh de Neville, Matthew fitz Herbert, Thomas Basset, Alan Basset, Philip Daubeny, Robert de Roppeley, John Marshal, John fitz Hugh, and other loyal subjects:

+ (1) FIRST, THAT WE HAVE GRANTED TO GOD, and by this present charter have confirmed for us and our heirs in perpetuity, that the English Church shall be free, and shall have its rights undiminished, and its liberties unimpaired. That we wish this so to be observed, appears from the fact that of our own free will, before the outbreak of the present dispute between us and our barons, we granted and confirmed by charter the freedom of the Church’s elections – a right reckoned to be of the greatest necessity and importance to it – and caused this to be confirmed by Pope Innocent III. This freedom we shall observe ourselves, and desire to be observed in good faith by our heirs in perpetuity.

TO ALL FREE MEN OF OUR KINGDOM we have also granted, for us and our heirs for ever, all the liberties written out below, to have and to keep for them and their heirs, of us and our heirs:

(2) If any earl, baron, or other person that holds lands directly of the Crown, for military service, shall die, and at his death his heir shall be of full age and owe a ‘relief’, the heir shall have his inheritance on payment of the ancient scale of ‘relief’. That is to say, the heir or heirs of an earl shall pay £100 for the entire earl’s barony, the heir or heirs of a knight 100s. at most for the entire knight’s ‘fee’, and any man that owes less shall pay less, in accordance with the ancient usage of ‘fees’.

(3) But if the heir of such a person is under age and a ward, when he comes of age he shall have his inheritance without ‘relief’ or fine.

(4) The guardian of the land of an heir who is under age shall take from it only reasonable revenues, customary dues, and feudal services. He shall do this without destruction or damage to men or property. If we have given the guardianship of the land to a sheriff, or to any person answerable to us for the revenues, and he commits destruction or damage, we will exact compensation from him, and the land shall be entrusted to two worthy and prudent men of the same ‘fee’, who shall be answerable to us for the revenues, or to the person to whom we have assigned them. If we have given or sold to anyone the guardianship of such land, and he causes destruction or damage, he shall lose the guardianship of it, and it shall be handed over to two worthy and prudent men of the same ‘fee’, who shall be similarly answerable to us.

(5) For so long as a guardian has guardianship of such land, he shall maintain the houses, parks, fish preserves, ponds, mills, and everything else pertaining to it, from the revenues of the land itself. When the heir comes of age, he shall restore the whole land to him, stocked with plough teams and such implements of husbandry as the season demands and the revenues from the land can reasonably bear.

(6) Heirs may be given in marriage, but not to someone of lower social standing. Before a marriage takes place, it shall be made known to the heir’s next-of-kin.

(7) At her husband’s death, a widow may have her marriage portion and inheritance at once and without trouble. She shall pay nothing for her dower, marriage portion, or any inheritance that she and her husband held jointly on the day of his death. She may remain in her husband’s house for forty days after his death, and within this period her dower shall be assigned to her.

(8) No widow shall be compelled to marry, so long as she wishes to remain without a husband. But she must give security that she will not marry without royal consent, if she holds her lands of the Crown, or without the consent of whatever other lord she may hold them of.

(9) Neither we nor our officials will seize any land or rent in payment of a debt, so long as the debtor has movable goods sufficient to discharge the debt. A debtor’s sureties shall not be distrained upon so long as the debtor himself can discharge his debt. If, for lack of means, the debtor is unable to discharge his debt, his sureties shall be answerable for it. If they so desire, they may have the debtor’s lands and rents until they have received satisfaction for the debt that they paid for him, unless the debtor can show that he has settled his obligations to them.

* (10) If anyone who has borrowed a sum of money from Jews dies before the debt has been repaid, his heir shall pay no interest on the debt for so long as he remains under age, irrespective of whom he holds his lands. If such a debt falls into the hands of the Crown, it will take nothing except the principal sum specified in the bond.

* (11) If a man dies owing money to Jews, his wife may have her dower and pay nothing towards the debt from it. If he leaves children that are under age, their needs may also be provided for on a scale appropriate to the size of his holding of lands. The debt is to be paid out of the residue, reserving the service due to his feudal lords. Debts owed to persons other than Jews are to be dealt with similarly.

* (12) No ‘scutage’ or ‘aid’ may be levied in our kingdom without its general consent, unless it is for the ransom of our person, to make our eldest son a knight, and (once) to marry our eldest daughter. For these purposes only a reasonable ‘aid’ may be levied. ‘Aids’ from the city of London are to be treated similarly.

+ (13) The city of London shall enjoy all its ancient liberties and free customs, both by land and by water. We also will and grant that all other cities, boroughs, towns, and ports shall enjoy all their liberties and free customs.

* (14) To obtain the general consent of the realm for the assessment of an ‘aid’ – except in the three cases specified above – or a ‘scutage’, we will cause the archbishops, bishops, abbots, earls, and greater barons to be summoned individually by letter. To those who hold lands directly of us we will cause a general summons to be issued, through the sheriffs and other officials, to come together on a fixed day (of which at least forty days notice shall be given) and at a fixed place. In all letters of summons, the cause of the summons will be stated. When a summons has been issued, the business appointed for the day shall go forward in accordance with the resolution of those present, even if not all those who were summoned have appeared.

* (15) In future we will allow no one to levy an ‘aid’ from his free men, except to ransom his person, to make his eldest son a knight, and (once) to marry his eldest daughter. For these purposes only a reasonable ‘aid’ may be levied.

(16) No man shall be forced to perform more service for a knight’s ‘fee’, or other free holding of land, than is due from it.

(17) Ordinary lawsuits shall not follow the royal court around, but shall be held in a fixed place.

(18) Inquests of novel disseisin, mort d’ancestor, and darrein presentment shall be taken only in their proper county court. We ourselves, or in our absence abroad our chief justice, will send two justices to each county four times a year, and these justices, with four knights of the county elected by the county itself, shall hold the assizes in the county court, on the day and in the place where the court meets.

(19) If any assizes cannot be taken on the day of the county court, as many knights and freeholders shall afterwards remain behind, of those who have attended the court, as will suffice for the administration of justice, having regard to the volume of business to be done.

(20) For a trivial offence, a free man shall be fined only in proportion to the degree of his offence, and for a serious offence correspondingly, but not so heavily as to deprive him of his livelihood. In the same way, a merchant shall be spared his merchandise, and a villein the implements of his husbandry, if they fall upon the mercy of a royal court. None of these fines shall be imposed except by the assessment on oath of reputable men of the neighbourhood.

(21) Earls and barons shall be fined only by their equals, and in proportion to the gravity of their offence.

(22) A fine imposed upon the lay property of a clerk in holy orders shall be assessed upon the same principles, without reference to the value of his ecclesiastical benefice.

(23) No town or person shall be forced to build bridges over rivers except those with an ancient obligation to do so.

(24) No sheriff, constable, coroners, or other royal officials are to hold lawsuits that should be held by the royal justices.

* (25) Every county, hundred, wapentake, and tithing shall remain at its ancient rent, without increase, except the royal demesne manors.

(26) If at the death of a man who holds a lay ‘fee’ of the Crown, a sheriff or royal official produces royal letters patent of summons for a debt due to the Crown, it shall be lawful for them to seize and list movable goods found in the lay ‘fee’ of the dead man to the value of the debt, as assessed by worthy men. Nothing shall be removed until the whole debt is paid, when the residue shall be given over to the executors to carry out the dead man’s will. If no debt is due to the Crown, all the movable goods shall be regarded as the property of the dead man, except the reasonable shares of his wife and children.

* (27) If a free man dies intestate, his movable goods are to be distributed by his next-of-kin and friends, under the supervision of the Church. The rights of his debtors are to be preserved.

(28) No constable or other royal official shall take corn or other movable goods from any man without immediate payment, unless the seller voluntarily offers postponement of this.

(29) No constable may compel a knight to pay money for castle-guard if the knight is willing to undertake the guard in person, or with reasonable excuse to supply some other fit man to do it. A knight taken or sent on military service shall be excused from castle-guard for the period of this service.

(30) No sheriff, royal official, or other person shall take horses or carts for transport from any free man, without his consent.

(31) Neither we nor any royal official will take wood for our castle, or for any other purpose, without the consent of the owner.

(32) We will not keep the lands of people convicted of felony in our hand for longer than a year and a day, after which they shall be returned to the lords of the ‘fees’ concerned.

(33) All fish-weirs shall be removed from the Thames, the Medway, and throughout the whole of England, except on the sea coast.

(34) The writ called precipe shall not in future be issued to anyone in respect of any holding of land, if a free man could thereby be deprived of the right of trial in his own lord’s court.

(35) There shall be standard measures of wine, ale, and corn (the London quarter), throughout the kingdom. There shall also be a standard width of dyed cloth, russet, and haberject, namely two ells within the selvedges. Weights are to be standardised similarly.

(36) In future nothing shall be paid or accepted for the issue of a writ of inquisition of life or limbs. It shall be given gratis, and not refused.

(37) If a man holds land of the Crown by ‘fee-farm’, ‘socage’, or ‘burgage’, and also holds land of someone else for knight’s service, we will not have guardianship of his heir, nor of the land that belongs to the other person’s ‘fee’, by virtue of the ‘fee-farm’, ‘socage’, or ‘burgage’, unless the ‘fee-farm’ owes knight’s service. We will not have the guardianship of a man’s heir, or of land that he holds of someone else, by reason of any small property that he may hold of the Crown for a service of knives, arrows, or the like.

(38) In future no official shall place a man on trial upon his own unsupported statement, without producing credible witnesses to the truth of it.

+ (39) No free man shall be seized or imprisoned, or stripped of his rights or possessions, or outlawed or exiled, or deprived of his standing in any way, nor will we proceed with force against him, or send others to do so, except by the lawful judgment of his equals or by the law of the land.

+ (40) To no one will we sell, to no one deny or delay right or justice.

(41) All merchants may enter or leave England unharmed and without fear, and may stay or travel within it, by land or water, for purposes of trade, free from all illegal exactions, in accordance with ancient and lawful customs. This, however, does not apply in time of war to merchants from a country that is at war with us. Any such merchants found in our country at the outbreak of war shall be detained without injury to their persons or property, until we or our chief justice have discovered how our own merchants are being treated in the country at war with us. If our own merchants are safe they shall be safe too.

* (42) In future it shall be lawful for any man to leave and return to our kingdom unharmed and without fear, by land or water, preserving his allegiance to us, except in time of war, for some short period, for the common benefit of the realm. People that have been imprisoned or outlawed in accordance with the law of the land, people from a country that is at war with us, and merchants – who shall be dealt with as stated above – are excepted from this provision.

(43) If a man holds lands of any ‘escheat’ such as the ‘honour’ of Wallingford, Nottingham, Boulogne, Lancaster, or of other ‘escheats’ in our hand that are baronies, at his death his heir shall give us only the ‘relief’ and service that he would have made to the baron, had the barony been in the baron’s hand. We will hold the ‘escheat’ in the same manner as the baron held it.

(44) People who live outside the forest need not in future appear before the royal justices of the forest in answer to general summonses, unless they are actually involved in proceedings or are sureties for someone who has been seized for a forest offence.

* (45) We will appoint as justices, constables, sheriffs, or other officials, only men that know the law of the realm and are minded to keep it well.

(46) All barons who have founded abbeys, and have charters of English kings or ancient tenure as evidence of this, may have guardianship of them when there is no abbot, as is their due.

(47) All forests that have been created in our reign shall at once be disafforested. River-banks that have been enclosed in our reign shall be treated similarly.

*(48) All evil customs relating to forests and warrens, foresters, warreners, sheriffs and their servants, or river-banks and their wardens, are at once to be investigated in every county by twelve sworn knights of the county, and within forty days of their enquiry the evil customs are to be abolished completely and irrevocably. But we, or our chief justice if we are not in England, are first to be informed.

* (49) We will at once return all hostages and charters delivered up to us by Englishmen as security for peace or for loyal service.

* (50) We will remove completely from their offices the kinsmen of Gerard de Athée, and in future they shall hold no offices in England. The people in question are Engelard de Cigogné, Peter, Guy, and Andrew de Chanceaux, Guy de Cigogné, Geoffrey de Martigny and his brothers, Philip Marc and his brothers, with Geoffrey his nephew, and all their followers.

* (51) As soon as peace is restored, we will remove from the kingdom all the foreign knights, bowmen, their attendants, and the mercenaries that have come to it, to its harm, with horses and arms.

* (52) To any man whom we have deprived or dispossessed of lands, castles, liberties, or rights, without the lawful judgment of his equals, we will at once restore these. In cases of dispute the matter shall be resolved by the judgment of the twenty-five barons referred to below in the clause for securing the peace (§61). In cases, however, where a man was deprived or dispossessed of something without the lawful judgment of his equals by our father King Henry or our brother King Richard, and it remains in our hands or is held by others under our warranty, we shall have respite for the period commonly allowed to Crusaders, unless a lawsuit had been begun, or an enquiry had been made at our order, before we took the Cross as a Crusader. On our return from the Crusade, or if we abandon it, we will at once render justice in full.

* (53) We shall have similar respite in rendering justice in connexion with forests that are to be disafforested, or to remain forests, when these were first afforested by our father Henry or our brother Richard; with the guardianship of lands in another person’s ‘fee’, when we have hitherto had this by virtue of a ‘fee’ held of us for knight’s service by a third party; and with abbeys founded in another person’s ‘fee’, in which the lord of the ‘fee’ claims to own a right. On our return from the Crusade, or if we abandon it, we will at once do full justice to complaints about these matters.

(54) No one shall be arrested or imprisoned on the appeal of a woman for the death of any person except her husband.

* (55) All fines that have been given to us unjustly and against the law of the land, and all fines that we have exacted unjustly, shall be entirely remitted or the matter decided by a majority judgment of the twenty-five barons referred to below in the clause for securing the peace (§61) together with Stephen, archbishop of Canterbury, if he can be present, and such others as he wishes to bring with him. If the archbishop cannot be present, proceedings shall continue without him, provided that if any of the twenty-five barons has been involved in a similar suit himself, his judgment shall be set aside, and someone else chosen and sworn in his place, as a substitute for the single occasion, by the rest of the twenty-five.

(56) If we have deprived or dispossessed any Welshmen of land, liberties, or anything else in England or in Wales, without the lawful judgment of their equals, these are at once to be returned to them. A dispute on this point shall be determined in the Marches by the judgment of equals. English law shall apply to holdings of land in England, Welsh law to those in Wales, and the law of the Marches to those in the Marches. The Welsh shall treat us and ours in the same way.

* (57) In cases where a Welshman was deprived or dispossessed of anything, without the lawful judgment of his equals, by our father King Henry or our brother King Richard, and it remains in our hands or is held by others under our warranty, we shall have respite for the period commonly allowed to Crusaders, unless a lawsuit had been begun, or an enquiry had been made at our order, before we took the Cross as a Crusader. But on our return from the Crusade, or if we abandon it, we will at once do full justice according to the laws of Wales and the said regions.

* (58) We will at once return the son of Llywelyn, all Welsh hostages, and the charters delivered to us as security for the peace.

* (59) With regard to the return of the sisters and hostages of Alexander, king of Scotland, his liberties and his rights, we will treat him in the same way as our other barons of England, unless it appears from the charters that we hold from his father William, formerly king of Scotland, that he should be treated otherwise. This matter shall be resolved by the judgment of his equals in our court.

(60) All these customs and liberties that we have granted shall be observed in our kingdom in so far as concerns our own relations with our subjects. Let all men of our kingdom, whether clergy or laymen, observe them similarly in their relations with their own men.

* (61) SINCE WE HAVE GRANTED ALL THESE THINGS for God, for the better ordering of our kingdom, and to allay the discord that has arisen between us and our barons, and since we desire that they shall be enjoyed in their entirety, with lasting strength, for ever, we give and grant to the barons the following security:

The barons shall elect twenty-five of their number to keep, and cause to be observed with all their might, the peace and liberties granted and confirmed to them by this charter.

If we, our chief justice, our officials, or any of our servants offend in any respect against any man, or transgress any of the articles of the peace or of this security, and the offence is made known to four of the said twenty-five barons, they shall come to us – or in our absence from the kingdom to the chief justice – to declare it and claim immediate redress. If we, or in our absence abroad the chief justice, make no redress within forty days, reckoning from the day on which the offence was declared to us or to him, the four barons shall refer the matter to the rest of the twenty-five barons, who may distrain upon and assail us in every way possible, with the support of the whole community of the land, by seizing our castles, lands, possessions, or anything else saving only our own person and those of the queen and our children, until they have secured such redress as they have determined upon. Having secured the redress, they may then resume their normal obedience to us.

Any man who so desires may take an oath to obey the commands of the twenty-five barons for the achievement of these ends, and to join with them in assailing us to the utmost of his power. We give public and free permission to take this oath to any man who so desires, and at no time will we prohibit any man from taking it. Indeed, we will compel any of our subjects who are unwilling to take it to swear it at our command.

If one of the twenty-five barons dies or leaves the country, or is prevented in any other way from discharging his duties, the rest of them shall choose another baron in his place, at their discretion, who shall be duly sworn in as they were.

In the event of disagreement among the twenty-five barons on any matter referred to them for decision, the verdict of the majority present shall have the same validity as a unanimous verdict of the whole twenty-five, whether these were all present or some of those summoned were unwilling or unable to appear.

The twenty-five barons shall swear to obey all the above articles faithfully, and shall cause them to be obeyed by others to the best of their power.

We will not seek to procure from anyone, either by our own efforts or those of a third party, anything by which any part of these concessions or liberties might be revoked or diminished. Should such a thing be procured, it shall be null and void and we will at no time make use of it, either ourselves or through a third party.

* (62) We have remitted and pardoned fully to all men any ill-will, hurt, or grudges that have arisen between us and our subjects, whether clergy or laymen, since the beginning of the dispute. We have in addition remitted fully, and for our own part have also pardoned, to all clergy and laymen any offences committed as a result of the said dispute between Easter in the sixteenth year of our reign (i.e. 1215) and the restoration of peace.

In addition we have caused letters patent to be made for the barons, bearing witness to this security and to the concessions set out above, over the seals of Stephen archbishop of Canterbury, Henry archbishop of Dublin, the other bishops named above, and Master Pandulf.

* (63) IT IS ACCORDINGLY OUR WISH AND COMMAND that the English Church shall be free, and that men in our kingdom shall have and keep all these liberties, rights, and concessions, well and peaceably in their fullness and entirety for them and their heirs, of us and our heirs, in all things and all places for ever.

Both we and the barons have sworn that all this shall be observed in good faith and without deceit. Witness the abovementioned people and many others.

Given by our hand in the meadow that is called Runnymede, between Windsor and Staines, on the fifteenth day of June in the seventeenth year of our reign (i.e. 1215: the new regnal year began on 28 May).

Very incorrect rock facts

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Geodes)

IRTI - funny picture #7587 - tags: dwayne johnson the rock ...
  • Rocks were invented in 1969 by Rock n Roll Hall of Famer Deez Nuts to sell more Rolls.
  • Rocks taste good. 
  • Crystals have harmful auras if thrown at the face.
  • Only Jesus can wash tectonic plates. 
  • I used to have a wife.
  • Certain breeds of cow can digest diamonds. So can I.
  • Yellow diamonds are created by the rare chemical combination of a clear diamond and my piss.
  • Similarly, rubies are what happens if you get blood on a diamond. I’m an earthologist.
    • This should not be confused with blood diamonds, something we do not support.
  • Here is an idea, what if we all got together and drew pieces of paper from a big bowl and the person who gets the piece with a dot on it gets stoned to death by the rest of the town. 
  • The three categories of rock are Schoolhouse, Dwayne The, and Hard.
  • The more rocks you have on you the more submissive and breedable you will be. 
  • Prehistoric humans used rock tools because they were eco-friendly. 
  • A rock can look like anything, like a cloud but shittier.
  • Some rocks can see time.
  • In twenty years, all that will be left of Frosty the Snowman is the coal!
  • Owning domesticated rocks is illegal in 27 states.
  • Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson got his nickname from the heaviest thing he could lift, and “The Pebble” didn’t sound as cool. 
  • The duller the rock, the more it is worth
  • A 24 karat diamond is just as edible as 24 karat gold. 
    • 24 carrot magic in the aaaaaaaaair 
  • A karat is actually how many carrots a given rock can eat in one cubic meter. 
  • Some rocks were made up for Minecraft.
  • If you dug a hole to the center of the earth, you would be eaten by the rocks. If rocks weren’t able to eat you, though, you would be able to survive.  
  • If you put a bunch of stones in a pot and add a little magic you will have an endless supply of food.