In a shocking turn of events, noted pseudoscientist and Harvard alumnus Dr. Mehmet Oz has been declared the winner of the Pennsylvania senate race after thousands of ballots pour in from New Jersey.
Announcing his victory from his New Jersey mansion, which shares the address of over 500 of the tardy ballots, Oz celebrated the eventual voice of the people overcoming the radical left machine.
Fetterman, in a fit of rage, was spotted tearing off his pullover hoodie (which, to our surprise, revealed a second pullover hoodie of the same color and design) while muttering the words “from Pennsylvania, for Pennsylvania…”. Fetterman, ultimately, was not the runner-up of the election after the mail-in votes were tallied, with second place going to ‘‘Nemet Oz”, which was somehow penciled on every ballot received from Texas.
Fetterman went on to say that the ballots were clearly fraudulent, as many of them were signed ‘Mehmet Oz’. A spokesperson for the Oz campaign responded to this by hiding from reporters in the bushes.
Dr. Oz supporters were suspiciously un-surprised at the late change of fortune for the republican nominee. One voter said, “No, I’m not surprised at all. Once you’ve stuffed as many ballot boxes as I have, you kind of develop a sense of who’s going to win. Especially when you open them and change the boxes”
Fetterman was also infuriated by the third party and write-in votes that could have carried the important election for the democrats. According to sources at Vote.org, over 100,000 votes were cast for Sidney Crosby, and almost 70,000 voters wrote in “Kenny Pickett’s hands.” The Pittsburgh Steelers had to forfeit their sixth-round draft pick for the upcoming year to the Democratic Party, which plans to select a replacement for the aging Presidential position.
When asked for his reaction, Josh Shapiro laughed at our reporters as he ate a comically large bucket of popcorn. His evil twin brother, Benjamin Shapiro, regarded Oz’s win as “purely hypothetical and backed by facts and logic.”
The RNC celebrated Oz’s win on Sunday night with a “cardiology-themed bash,” with the hearts of goats and other innocent beasts spiked on the walls.
Adapted from an excerpt from Alvin Schwartz’s Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark – edits made in bold.
One time Dr. Oz went to see if he could put a haunt to rest at an AirBnB rental in his settlement in New Jersey. The house, which was notably not in Pennsylvania, had been haunted for about ten days. Several “people” had tried to “stay”“there”“all night”, but they always would get scared out by Elon Musk. Also it worked on the same time dilation rules Narnia worked on if you remember those books so it was physically impossible to stay there for more than a second in the real world. So Dr. Oz took his Bible (Bible is pronounced with a short I sound in this text) and went to the house, went on in, built himself a good fire, and lit a big fat joint. Sat there reading the Bible. He found it a lot more funny than usual. Then just before midnight he heard something moaning in the cellar—walking back and forth, back and forth. Then it sounded like somebody was trying to scream and got sucked off. Then there was a lot of thrashing around and struggling, and finally everything got fun. The Doctor took up his signed copy of The Great Gatsby in one hand and The Art of the Deal in the other, but before he could start reading, he heard Roc coming up the cellar stairs. He sat watching the door to the cellar, and the footsteps kept coming closer and closer. The haunt accidentally stepped onto a treadmill, so this went on for about ten minutes until he saw the doorknob turn, and when the door began to open, he jumped up and hollered, “HAIL TO PITT!!!!!!!!!!!!” The door shut back easy-like, rather like an H20GO! slip n slide, and there wasn’t a sound. The Doctor was trembling a little, but he finally opened the only signed copy of the Bible and read for a while. Realizing that he was illiterate this whole time, he got up and laid the book on the chairand returned to enjoying his Devil’s lettuce (the terpenes were potent that evening, with prominent cinnamon undertones present on the palette). Then the haunt started walking again and—step! step!—step!—up the cellar stairs. Each step fell like a grand piano on a whoopee cushion. Dr. Oz sat watching the door, saw the doorknob turn and the door open. A dull roar said “hail…to…” and the voice trailed off before Oz could catch what it said. It looked like an anthropomorphic panther. He backed up and said, “Who are you? What do you want? Keep it down, you’re interrupting my Bible-study Bananza!“
Roc sort of swayed like he didn’t know what to do—then he just faded out. Dr. Oz waited, waited, and when he didn’t hear any more noises, he went over and made some noises. He was sweating and trembling all over, slightly aroused, but he was a weakling of a man and he thought he’d be able to see it through. So he turned his chair to where he could watch, spinning a few times because he could not resist, and he sat down and waited. It wasn’t long before he heard the haunt start up again, slowly—step!—step!—step!—step!—closer, and closer step!—step!—it started to reverse away from the door and step!—step!—step!—step!—step!—step!—step!—step!— Now its time to get funky (funky…funky…)! It was back where it started. Dr. Oz stood up and held his Bible out before him. He accidentally “exorcized” himself since he was holding the Bible the wrong way. The demons his mother and religious trauma gave him swiftly left his body. He felt like a new man. Then the knob slowly turned, and the door opened wide. This time The Doctor spoke with flamboyant confidence. He said, “In the name of the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria (said like John C. Reilly)—who are you and why do you hail?” The panther came right across the room, straight to him, and took hold of his coat all easy-like. “I AM THE ONE WHO HAILS!”Oz felt kinda turned on. What is this feeling? It was a really stupid coat. His fur was torn and tangled, and the flesh was dropping off his face so he could see the bones and part of his teeth. He had no chin, but there was a sort of blue light way back in his eye sockets which could be blocked by Felix Gray glasses. And he had no nose to his face. Then it started hailing. Hailing so unbelievably hard. It was like no hailing ever seen before. It sounded like his voice was coming and going with the wind blowing it. He told how his lover had killed himbecause he was actually a murderer and buried his body in the time capsule under the panther statue. He said if the Doctor would dig up his bones and bury him properly, he could rest. Then he told him to take the fat joint from his left hand, and to smoke it in the collection plate at the next church meeting—and he’d find out who had murdered him. (Dr. Oz blushed as he was ashamed to admit that he was the murderer.) And he said, “If you come back here once more after that—you’ll hear my voice at Midnights (https://www.taylorswift.com/), and I’ll tell you where my monkey is hid, and you can give it to the church.” The haunt sobbed like he was tired, and he sunk down toward the floor and was gone. A nearby mole had a heart attack and was sent to the ER. Oz found his bones and buried them in the graveyard. The next Sunday, as the clock struck 00:00 on the Scott Hanson NFL Redzone countdown clock,Dr. Oz put the joint in the collection plate, and when a certain man happened to touch it, it got him faded. The man jumped up and hoo-ed and ha-ed and rubbed and scraped and tore at that joint, trying to get it off. Then he went to screaming in an F#6 falsetto, reminiscent of his time at the Pitt Glee Club, like he was going crazy, because he was in Pitt Glee Club. He was actually going through a sexuality crisis (not Glee-related). Well, he confessed to the murder, and being in Glee club, and they took him to horny jail (BONK). After finding out the man was hung like a horse, Oz went back to that house one Midnights (https://www.taylorswift.com/), and Roc’s voice asked Oz to be the Jacob to his Renesmee and told him to dig under the hearthrock. What is a hearthrock? Nobody knows. He did, and he found a big sack of monkey (the monkey unfortunately did not survive living in the big sack because there was no food). And where that haunt had held on to his coat, the print of the worst joint ever was burned right into the cloth. It never did come out like the preacher (the preacher was a closeted bi guy).
His work done, the Doctor stepped into his TARDIS (patented the Great and Powerful ™) and traveled back to the future to fight his nemesis Johnathan Karl Fetterman on the Golden Brick Road in the Land of OZ.
And then Walter fucking White won the Pitt costume contest.
Always remember to check your kid’s Halloween candy for Critical Race Theory this All Hallows Day Before.
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Angelic, disembodied Voice of the Provost
To My Spawn:
The period during which instructors were encouraged to submit midterm grades to be available via PeopleSoft/HighPoint Campus Experience (XCX) was completed on October 19 or you know, whenever they want. Fortunately, midterm grades are not currently viewable through PeopleSofti XCX, but students can view them in “PeopleSoft Classic.” Our resolution by November 2024 is to have midterm grades included in the new PeopleSoft/HighPoint Campus Mega Experience Mark Two Revenge of the UI (HCMXM2RUNxe5).
In order to access mid-term grades via “PeopleSoft Classic,” use the following navigation.
0.Come to terms with the fact you will never see your family and friends again following the viewing of your grades. You will be put into a Witness Protection Program and forced to live in a secret bunker under the Roc statue by the Union. (Pull up on tail to put in access code (Code: 80085)).
.5 Are you REALLY sure you want to see your grades? We’re trying to help you with this warning. It’s for your own good.
1. Log in to the my.pitt portal and select the PeopleSoft Information for Student System (PISS) button in the shape of a big blue panther (BBP). (If it is not on your dashboard, you can use “Ask Jeeves” (AJ) at the top of the page (TotP).)
1.5Do a barrel roll! (Note: if you don’t perform this step, Pitt will break your kneecaps)
1.51If Pitt’s Collegiate Dog Brian can do a better barrel roll than you, Brian will break your kneecaps
2. Once in the Sonic Adventures Highpoint CX Dashboard, select “PeopleSoft Full Site” from the bottom of the menu on the left side of the page. (Your camera will be on so we WILL see if you still have to hold up your hands to know which side is left, plebeian).
2.5Write an essay on why you should be able to see your grades. Please wait 10-20 business days for our people to get back to you.
3. At the top of the PeopleSoft Classic page that appears, please solve the provided crossword in less than 5 minutes, but no more than 3. If that is confusing, you can always [REDACTED]. However, pressing the adjacent button will uninstall your computer’s operating system. We are aware of this issue, and we are working on it!
3.5Explain all of David Lynch’s work. This step isn’t mandatory, but we don’t understand his work and just need someone to explain it to us.
4. On the results page, enter the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year. But, you gotta be quick so that Dean Bonner can secure the bag and achieve the EPIC… VICTORY… ROYALE!!!!!!!!!!!!
4.5Get your parent’s credit card and give us the numbers on the front, the expiration date, and the 3 or 4 wacky numbers on the back. This is a very important step, don’t ask why. (Wait what do you mean we already wrote this in the step above?)
5. In the PeopleSoft Student Center, select “Grades” from the drop down in the Academics section and click the “pay outstanding debt” button.
5.5This will take you to an Adfly page. Please wait ten seconds to get redirected to the actual website. DO NOT CLICK ON ANY OF THE DOWNLOAD BUTTONS, A VIRUS WILL BE INSTALLED ON YOUR COMPUTER. THEY WILL WATCH YOU THROUGH YOUR WEBCAM AND LISTEN TO EVERY WORD YOU SAY.
5.6In the event of a virus being installed, please pay us $32 for the Pitt Virus Protection Client ($40 for the Personal Protector Panther Pitt Provost Plan that looks like Roc)
5.7 Chop up your Pitt ID into thin strips and slide them into your USB port for further identification.
5.8 Approve the access on DUO by entering the password pushed. For security, DUO’s encrypted password has been sent to a random IP address somewhere in Europe. Once decoded, you must locate the correct locker in a randomly generated American High School and enter the key.
5.9 Watch the entirety of “Silence of the Lambs” while the page loads (guys did you know this movie was filmed in Pittsburgh like omg did you know that so cool am I right)
6. Once on the “View Other’s Grades Page,” any grades posted for any currently enrolled student will be displayed, as well as their phone number and home address. You can switch between Mid-term and Final grades by choosing the appropriate tab under the term being displayed, dumbass. Ever used a computer?Please do not use Inspect Element on this page, as this will change your official Pitt grades for this year. To view grades from another term, please email the office of the Vice Chair of Administration for the Undergraduate Chief of Operations Sentinel Assistant Manager, Mark (email@example.com).
***In the event that firstname.lastname@example.org is down, please panic. You will never see your grades again.
If you have any questions, please keep them to yourself.
Senator Joseph McCarthy, R-WI
Vice Provost and Fortnite Aficionado for Undergraduates Studies and Fishing
On Saturday, September 17th, Nordenberg Hall experienced its third fire-related evacuation of the semester. The hall, mainly inhabited by freshman students and misfortunate Resident Assistants (RA’s), was surrounded by flashing lights and sirens Saturday night as students filed down the stairs and out the front door.
According to Floor 8 North RA Jane Smith, the fire alarm was set off by a group of students on Floor 7, who had “accidentally” misplaced their chemistry textbooks in the microwave, inducing a small fire. “Floor 8 residents would never do something like that,” says Smith. “Men are the worst,” she continues, referring to the fact that the 8th floor houses exclusively female residents. Smith also claims that there was an unrelated issue happening simultaneously in which a student got stuck in an elevator, and promptly fell to their death as the firefighters finally managed to pry open the elevator doors. The identity of this student is still unknown, but the situation is being monitored.
Despite the flurry of attacks on the pseudonymous social media site YikYak directed toward Nordenberg Hall residents, the evacuation frenzy seemed to have died down by Sunday morning. Until, that is, another fire was reported–this time with no particular cause. Allegedly, Nordenberg Hall retaliated–due to the aggressive and disrespectful nature in which its residents treat the building–by lighting a student–who has requested to stay anonymous at this time– on fire. The student survived but remains in critical condition at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center. Despite residents calling for more decisive action, Panther Central has continued installing fire extinguishers and fire blankets in every dorm without any further action.
As of October 1, 2022, The Eatery at Towers will now go by the name of The Shittery. This name change comes after multiple gastroenterologists at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center came together to talk about various University of Pittsburgh students coming to them about no longer needing IBS medication on account of no longer experiencing symptoms.
Three of the medical miracle first-year students consented to interviews with The Pitiful News. Their names have been redacted to protect the sanctity of their bowels and their dignities.
The first student admitted to eating at The Eatery once or twice a day during Welcome Week and once a day every week since. They said they went from “two quality shits every three days to three fulfilling shits a day.” They also stated that their frequent abdominal pain has “completely subsided.” When asked about their favorite dish the student said they really enjoyed the stir fry noodles from Crave Global. They said that the overwhelming amounts of sodium made them feel like they “were back home on the beach.” Nothing like a little extra MSG to kickstart your afternoon.
The second student commented on no longer having the need to “immediately defecate.” He said he could not be more relieved that he no longer experiences frequent indigestion and nausea. This student said that their trips to The Eatery have been more frequent as he has noticed a decline in his symptoms. His favorite meal this year has been the Pesto Pizza at Cucina. “The deep green color is comforting,” he stated. He wished not to comment on what the florescent cuisine did to his stool.
Finally, the third student said that The Eatery has been the only form of treatment that has ever worked for her. Her prior experiences with “various medications, including various laxatives, antidiarrheal, and antibiotics as well as common at-home treatments like a high fiber diet and stress management” have “not even come close” to the effects she is experiencing since moving to Oakland. Her favorite meal of the year has been the “marinated pork” from the 446 Diner (this dish is also known by the names “shmeat” and “mystery meat”).
We would also like to congratulate Dr. Carla Panzella, the University of Pittsburgh’s Dean of Students, for becoming the number one shareholder in Procter & Gamble stock. The campus’s recent skyrocket in Pepto-Bismol sales at The Market at Towers and the Forbes Street Market made the purchase a no-brainer for the school representative. The purchase of the stock will be a factor in the tuition increase for the 2023 fall semester.
The Pitiful News members levitate, raising chalices of blood, chortling, guffawing, busting guts, and kikiing with their friends. It’s dark outside, and no one is going anywhere. Ever. The door is locked. Everyone is looking for a way out, feigning interest in the Pitiful News overlords, terrified to contribute to a shared Google document for the cult’s first meeting of the semester. They know that whatever words uttered in this room might be their last. The only bit of hope they can cling to is the guest appearance from the Emmy Award Winning fly™.
The third floor of the Cathedral of Learning, where the Pitiful News hosts its meetings, was ominously lit by candlelight. They were not practicing safe fire practices. The stairwell smelt of burnt hair and a decaying Roc fursuit was found in the corner of what remained of room 349. The walls began to bleed as the meeting began with an inhuman chanting, followed by several hours of compulsory silence. The EYES of Dr. TJ Eckleberg on the wall searched for those who were truly dedicated to the art of satire, finally closing when all those who were unworthy were raptured.
“I’ve never been more scared in my life,” said a new member, who requested to remain anonymous out of fear. “I was looking for the a cappella club, but someone grabbed me and pulled me into the room. It was the most scared I’d ever been. I shuddered as the door shut behind me and the EYES rose upon the classroom’s only chalkboard. Do not come to this club, lest you be consumed by Hellfire in Satan’s Pitt. I was forced to come up with that as a so-called ‘satirical tweet,’ but please, for the love of god get me out. This is a cry for help. THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP!” Despite not planning on returning for any more meetings, this anonymous student has already listed ‘Senior Satire Writer’ on their resume.
Some members felt terror in different ways: “When I told a joke the room went completely silent. The EYES stared at me for a long time. They looked into my soul and found my ‘Was it so funny you forgot to laugh’ quip wanting. YOUR BLOOD IS NOT EVEN WORTHY OF SACRIFICE. They locked the door. I want to get back in,” said a student found crying next to room 349.
One student shuffles nervously when asked about the proceedings of the meeting, “They cut my neck and asked for a blood sacrifice, holding my head over a gilded chalice. Then everyone took a sip. It reminded me of my First Communion.” When asked, an attendee commented on the taste, saying the blood was “lacking in iron.” There will be an “official” tutorial on how to properly swirl the chalice by a wine steward following the next meeting.
Another student was more positive about their experiences when interviewed. “Oh yeah, I’ve been in a number of cults. I’ve made more money leading, but I’ve always had more fun following. I think we really get too much of a bad rep. When it comes down to it, what is a cult but a close-knit community?” When asked about rumors of blood sacrifices conducted by the club, the student refused to comment further.
The “president” of the “club”, “Evan Rafferty”, took a different track, choosing to affirm all of these alleged practices. “Pitt administration will probably do nothing”, he added, gleefully.
Ben Adams, the “vice president” of the “Pitiful News”, began to reference obscure chess matches that the rest of the members rejected from the discourse. He remained silent for the rest of the meeting.
Ella Mizera, the “business” manager, was alleged to have ascended during the initial meeting and was never seen again. Mizera remains unavailable for comment.
Another student was quite surprised to find out that the club was satirical and did not actually document real-world events. “My world was shattered”, the student stammered. “Were the South-O slip and slides ever real?” The student was also devastated to hear that the movement to repeal the Third Amendment was also a farce. “All I’m saying is he made some good arguments!”
The new members’ EYES were glued open, Clockwork Orange style, as they were forced to watch pornography as a group. They were practicing their “edging” skills, as said by a “club” “representative”. The head of adult material, Dexter Grafenburg, said that “the viewing of pornography is essential for the development of new satirical material.” Patrick Gallagher also made a surprise appearance, but quickly left after a FaceTime call request from his wife.
Also present was a CW Network representative who was looking for inspiration for the impending renewal of “(s)hit” show Riverdale. The representative was not allowed to make a statement due to the signing of a nondisclosure agreement, but we can only assume the ominous atmosphere surrounding the club will be essential to the Jughead-Betty-Archie love triangle in Season 5(?).
Resident priest John Smithsonian attempted a quick exorcism and consecration session but to no avail. “That club is messed up,” Smithsonian stated. “I don’t get paid enough for this.” Pitiful News presidents attempted to convert Smithsonian to the demonic faith. After throwing a bit of holy water, Smithsonian fled the meeting. “Coward? Me? Would a coward be named John Smithsonian? I don’t think so,” Smithsonian exclaimed in his final statements to us.
Bafflingly, we’ve received more testimonials about the club than actual people who went. The only members we know were actually there were the ones in the photo (see above). If you find anyone who actually went to this club, please contact Pitt News staff immediately. Five dining dollars will be given.
After this series of events, this club is now contained by the SCP Foundation. All of the “members’ ” “bodies” and “records” of this “club” have been burned as a containment measure.
New Jersey Republican millionaire and Pennsylvania Senate candidate Mehmet Oz is facing significant criticism after comments he made resurfaced. In 2014 he appeared to give the green light to incestuous relationships. This is not the first time he discussed incest in a positive light. He did a segment on what your poop says about how far on a family tree you have to look to find your soulmate.
During an interview with morning radio show The Breakfast Club in February 2014, not to be confused with the “The Breakfast Bunch” episode of Nickelodeon’s hit tv show Victorious which also came out in 2014, Oz was asked to weigh in on a question sent in by a listener about someone struggling with an incestuous relationship.
At the time, host Angela Yee asked Oz the following question:
“I’m going to ask you this, because you are friends with the foremost expert in incest Rudi Gulianni, and you tell me if this is safe for this person, okay?”
“Well, he said, ‘Yee, I can’t stop smashing my cousin.’ That means sleeping with.”
“‘We hooked up at a young age and now in our 20s, she still wants it. No matter how much I want to stop, I always give it to her. Help me.’
A week later we got an update to this question saying ‘My mom heard this on the radio the first time you answered it and now she has started joining in, but I am even more conflicted because these have been my first threesomes and because I have always been a mama’s boy”
What advice would you give that person?”
Rather than point this individual toward counseling services, Oz shocked listeners when he downplayed the situation and took the conversation in an entirely different direction, saying:
“If you’re more than a first cousin away, it’s not a big problem. Any closer related to you and it is much more of a case by case basis. How hot are they, because that has to play a part in it. How likely are you to get caught? Are they normal or nuts? Is the age difference enticing? How often is this happening? And what is their playlist like, because if it contains CBAT by Hudson Mohawke, run! The answers to each of these questions greatly change my recommendations of what to do.” …
“Every family has genetic strengths and weaknesses.”
“And so the reason we naturally crave people who are not so like us is because you just mix the gene pool up a little bit so that if I had one gene for, let’s say, hemophilia, which is a classic example where you must consume blood to survive, I don’t want to marry a cousin who has the same hemophilia gene, because the chance of our child having both those genes is much higher. Back in the Dark ages, people would reproduce with their family members quite often and that only ever angered the townspeople and, as any doctor knows, hemophiliacs hate the sight of fire and pitchforks.”
“You know, that’s why children, girls don’t like their fathers’ smell. Their pheromones will actually repel their daughters because they’re not supposed to be together.”
“My daughters hate my natural smell. That is why I wear cologne all the time, it makes them struggle less when we, to borrow a phase, be smashing“
Oz’s remarks resurfaced following reporting by Jezebel‘s Caitlin Cruz, who noted that considering Oz “has already been saying too much as a candidate, you know the things coming out of his mouth must have been pretty bad before.”
Indeed, these remarks soon caught the attention of John Fetterman, Oz’s Democratic opponent, who said they represented “Yet another issue where Oz and I disagree.”
Social media users were quick to echo Fetterman’s sentiments and offered their own criticisms of Oz.
Oz has attracted significant scorn on social media in recent months, particularly for running in Pennsylvania’s Senate race despite living in New Jersey. He would have gotten away with convincing people that he lives in PA if it weren’t for those meddling kids at the Jersey Shore show having footage of Oz as his recurring character “The Situation”.
Fetterman, who suffered a near-fatal stroke in May, has generated support in his time off the campaign trail by launching social media campaigns that have emphasized Oz’s ties to New Jersey and minimal ties to Pennsylvania. One of his best bits is going to every rest stop in PA and tweeting pictures of himself in front of the map of PA at each one with a cardboard Oz head on a stick(aka Flat Mehmet), so Oz could “Finally visit some places in PA”.
Last month, Oz was widely roasted on social media after his past tweets about “poop” resurfaced. These tweets were unrelated to incest but it is still strange that this Mehmet guy talks about poop so much.
Oz, who made millions and became a household name as the titular “Dr. Oz” on a show that garnered heavy criticism due to his promotion of pseudoscience, including on the topics of alternative medicine, faith healing and various paranormal beliefs, wrote several tweets about bowel movements in over a decade of being a regular Twitter user.
Editor’s note: This article is sponsored by POOP (Please Oppose Oz Pennsylvania)
Today, officials of Pittsburgh’s best and brightest neighborhood announced a change that might take some getting used to. In a shocking move, the home for most of the University of Pittsburgh’s undergrads, S. Oakland, will be known as ‘Soak Land’ for the rest of the summer and brings some pretty exciting changes. The mayor of Soak Land, Jerold Bongstank, announced the new direction for the community in front of a crowd of billions of excited onlookers. With climate change resulting in increasing temperatures throughout July and August, Bongstank desired a fun, accessible, and unique way for residents to cool off while still getting outdoors and enjoying the sunshine. The new Soak Land moniker will hopefully bring in a new wave of tourists to the neighborhood, resulting in an influx of cash to small, local, community-owned stores like Rite-Aid. Soak Land officials say that the new name has no connection to the Mormon act of soaking, but it may begin to market itself to BYU students with this association in mind.
“I think that including space for public fun is essential for increasing happiness, joy, various vermins, and letting me show off my freshly chiseled beach bod,” said Bongstank. In addition to the new name, Bongstank has announced a number of public works projects that will convert the neighborhood into an ‘outdoor Great Wolf Lodge, but without that stupid wizard quest crap.’ The sidewalks will soon be covered with tarps that are regularly slicked with dish soap and various crude oils for a wet and wild perambulatory experience, and all fire hydrants will be cracked open with a sledgehammer for a high-pressure shower to cool off in the summer heat. Also promised with this conversion are several big buckets that drop thousands of gallons of water onto anyone unlucky enough to be within a 500-foot radius of the impact zone. One city council member expressed concern over the environmental impact of this extraordinary amount of water on the soil and road conditions but was quickly carried away by a large swarm of rats to cheers from the crowd and calls for a beheading and further violent revolutionary acts.
The announced changes will be implemented ASAP, according to neighborhood officials. Soak Land promises to have an open dialogue with residents to ensure that losers not interested in participating in The Wetness will be relocated elsewhere.
“In these changing times, we must allow ourselves to change with them,” said Bongstank.
Okay, okay, settle down now. I know that all of you 3rd Amendment stans might take this the wrong way, but I can assure you that I will have changed your mind on this subject by the end of the time we have together. You guys had a good run! In its time, big number three was the best of the best – the cream of the crop of constitutional commandments. But, to state the obvious, times have changed. In light of the COVID-19 pandemic that forever changed how we view social interaction, I believe it to be time to change the way we think about our amendments as well – and allow ourselves to have friends again.
In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, because you slept through your U.S. history lectures in high school because your teacher wouldn’t stop complaining about their divorce, allow me to fill you in on the basics. The 3rd Amendment was ratified (an archaic word referring to a process in which big rats gnaw on a wooden box containing a scroll with the amendment written on it – if the rats get through the box before the new moon, the amendment would be accepted) in 1791 (an archaic number referring to the concepts of ‘years’ which no longer have any meaning). It was proposed in response to some British people being weird and annoying, so, as good a reason as any, I guess. The amendment itself says:
“No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”
What? Still don’t get it? I should’ve known that my younger audience couldn’t possibly understand the incredible nuance of the great writers of yesteryear. Allow me to translate:
“The redcoats keep getting in through the crack under the door and eating all of my baked goods. I’m going to pass a law to ban squatting because I’m selfish.”
Got it? Good. Now we can debate like true constitutional scholars.
We as a people have been shut off from the rest of the world for the past two years. The concept of real life has been long lost to the void, and any human socialization has been neutered into a shameful replication of how the world should be. I’m not saying the third amendment is to blame, but it has been in the Constitution for the entire pandemic. Coincidence? Let’s find out.
My plan is simple: repeal the amendment, and then set up a government organization to match people living on their own with a nice soldier friend! The FBI can just compare all of the data they have on us with our new soulmates – and boom. The loneliness caused by the pandemic is instantly solved. You and General Bestie can live out the rest of your days together, in a government-assigned paradise. They might even be attractive – or even better: not part of the alt-right!
I’m lonely. Yeah, I can admit it. I’m secure enough in my loneliness to be able to say that. Are you? I bet not. Coward. Repealing the 3rd amendment is crucial to restoring the broken psyche of the American people. Most people are too scared to admit it, and that’s why we need the power of the federal government – we all know that only good things can happen when they get involved.
If you don’t like having friends, then you don’t have to agree with me. I understand your concerns (I’m an empath) and can admit when I might be wrong. If the plan doesn’t end up working, we can just repeal the repeal, no big deal. Remember when we banned drunk driving in the ’30s? What would America be without it?
All in all, I think it’s worth a shot. Some of the people in the military are pretty cool! I met this one guy who was in the Air Force, and he gave me my first cigarette if I promised not to tell my mom that I let him out of the basement. You’re gonna tell me that you don’t want to have that guy living with you? Friends are necessary for people to expand their mental boundaries and make intimate connections that are oh so rare these days. If you’re sympathetic to my views, consider joining the movement and ask your congressman to repeal the 3rd amendment. We’re always looking for more people to join our team of people who appreciate the government agents that are living in my walls.