Kampuss Kutie – Kat Brewer ’17

Interviewer: Benjamin Wahlberg
Name: Katherine “Kat” Lauren Brewer
Year: Sophomore 2017
Major: Media and Professional Communications Minor:History US
Hometown: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Relationship Status: Single
Tumblr: steveprettyperry.tumblr.com
Time and Location: 11am-11:41am Monday November 10th2014, Peet’s Coffee

Kat Lauren Brewer: Seems pretty casual.
Pittiful News: So it seems like we start, I just get Name, Year, Major, Hometown, and Relationship Status; that seems to be the block. Do you want to be listed as Katherine “Kat” Lauren Brewer?
KLB: Sure.
PN: What’s your year?
KLB: I am a sophomore, so I guess class of 2017.
PN: Cool. What’s your major?
KLB: Media and Professional Communications.
PN: Got a minor on that thing?
KLB: I do. I have a History Minor.
PN:  History of what?
KLB: History of the United States. I’m considering a history double major, but we’ll see.
PN: What are you trying to do with that?
KLB: Professional writing, it’s a lot of grants, some fundraising proposals, letters.. It’s basically just professional writing.
PN: Sounds good. Where ya come from?
KLB: Colorado Springs, Colorado!
PN: Oo, fun fun!
KLB: Everyone always thinks Colorado is cooler than it is.
PN:  Nah, it’s just cuz they legalized the weed.
KLB: That’s true, but now a lot of other places did too, but we were the first.
PN: A lot is not 4. Um, and your relationship status?
KLB: Single.
PN: Alright, so, I came up with some questions, yeah, just um, I hope you’ll be. I got really tired last night and just kept on typing.. You’ll be, you’ll be
KLB: Got a little crazy goin’ on…
PN: Alright, so- Let me make sure this is on-Alright, so like, What’s your thing?
KLB: My thing?
PN:  Yeah, your thing.
KLB: Wow, I feel like that’s very broad for a question.
PN: Alright, what’s your crusade? Or like your ideal-
KLB: My search for the Holy Grail.
PN: Yeah, okay, cool, so search for Holy Grail… You have an ideal legacy?
KLB: I was actually thinking about that last night, because I once had a guy tell me that like everybody is destined for greatness, and whether or not you achieve it determines, like, is dictative of how much you did with your life. And I was thinking about that, because it really bothered me, because my ideal life, all I want is like a white picket fence and a nicely manicured lawn and a cat, maybe like 4, 5 cats. Preferably like a little cottage type house near a large body of water- I’d take a river, I’d take an ocean.
PN: That’s beautiful.
KLB: Thank you.
PN:  Can I join you?
KLB: Haha!
PN: Seems to also be a really standard question: What are you involved with on campus?
KLB: I row. Boats. For the crew team.
PN: Boats.
KLB: Boats. Boats and Hoes.
PN: What do you row?
KLB: What do we row?
PN:  What do you row?
KLB: We row 8s mostly. And I’m also part of the Resident Student Association, Executive Board. It’s a good time.
PN: Oo, what do you do on that?
KLB: I’m  a programming chair, so I program all of  the events. Like we did the Non-Alcoholic Mix-Off in mid-October, so that was my deal.
PN: So like Sex in the Lounge?
KLB: No, that’s the RAs but we work with them. So we like kind of sponsor the funding, whatnot. Did you know that you can get free condoms for any University sponsored event?
PN: HUH! But you can’t get them for free at the Health Center?
KLB: You can’t?
PN:  No!
KLB: Really?
PN: You can’t get free condoms at the Health Center.
KLB: Really?
PN:  Yeah! Pitt is (I say jokingly) pro-STI and pregnancy.
KLB: Apparently!
PN: It’s weird that they don’t understand that, but-
KLB: I know, especially with all the training you have to do, coming in Freshman year, you have to take all those tests about like, it’s like Alcohol EDU, but for sexual awareness. It’s all about how you should always double up with protection- kind of hard to do if you’re not offering free condoms. I mean I could go buy them, but I’m also in college and I don’t want to buy things.
PN:  I mean, you can just wait around for Pittsburgh AIDS Task Force to table or Rainbow Alliance like it’s their job, because it is their job.
KLB: You know (some name)? I can’t pronounce her last name. She’s part of Campus Women’s Organization, and if you ever need free condoms, hit her up.
PN: I’m all about finding the free condoms. Alright, whats your- Wait, was there anything else you’re involved with on campus?
KLB: That’s about it, crew team sucks up a lot of time. It’s almost a 24 hour thing.
PN: Were you doing crew in like high school, too?
KLB: No, we don’t have a lot of opportunities for that in Colorado, but I just like water. I didn’t realize the Allegheny was a disgusting body of water.
PN: It’s gross. It’s really gross.
KLB: In the 80s, our coach found some dead bodies. … So fun.
PN:  What’d he do with them? What do you do with dead bodies?
KLB: I think he just like called the cops and they were like ‘Cool,’ and came and checked them out. 
PN: Alright, I know you’re a classic rock fan, What the last song you were jamming to, your band of the week?
KLB: Always Eric Clapton. There is no band of the week, it is always Eric Clapton, and then Journey, very close after that. Very close. This morning it was Patience by Guns N’ Roses.
PN: That’s some good stuff; I was having a big Bon Jovi week, uh, last week.
KLB: Nice.
PN: Uh, Is there any music you just can’t stand?
KLB: No? I’m not a big fan of country or rap, but I do prefer country over rap. Okay, and it depends on the country. Willie Nelson? I can get behind that. Taylor Swift, who is no longer apparently country, I cannot get behind her. Not a fan of her, as a person.
PN:  Alright, What question do you always want people to ask you? (Pause) Like, Hm, I really hope someone asks me this.
KLB: Hm. I like debating things, but recently, it’s come up a lot recently: Why I hate John Green.
PN: Oo oo! Yeah. Why do you hate John Green? Is it the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, or is it…?
KLB: It’s part of that, but it’s also because I think he tends to romanticize serious topics that should not be taken lightly. I haven’t read any of his books, but I get the general premise and I’ve seen the movies, and I’m just- they all deal with serious topics that deal with kids our age. And it’s always the Manic Pixie Dream Girl with like the perfect boy, and he sees her as a disaster, but that he can fix that disaster- and that’s not true. You cannot fix a disaster. Love cannot fix a disaster. That person needs to fix themselves.
PN: That’s solid. That’s really good. Yeah, that’s the reason I’ve never read a John Green book. Cuz I don’t need a Manic Pixie Dream Girl book. I don’t need that.
KLB: That’s not the way the world is. It’s not like “Ohmigawd you experience a traumatic event as a child, let me love you, because that makes you beautiful.” So because I didn’t experience a traumatic event, cuz, both my parents are married and have been for 28 years, because I have a great family life, I’m not beautiful, John Green?
PN: *Gets up to get scone* *Comes back with scone* Alright, elevator pitch your tumblr StevePrettyPerry.tumblr.com. Elevator Pitch it.
KLB: So I have 15 seconds?
PN:  Yeah. Sure.
KLB: Steve Perry is a fantastic human being who was lead singer of one of the greatest 80s Rock bands of all time. He’s also beautiful.
PN: That’s a good enough pitch. I’m following you.
KLB: There is a wild, a surprisingly active and wild, Steve Perry fandom on tumblr. I’m more on the side where I admire his work and voice as opposed to the 19 year old girls who are overly infatuated with a 65 year old man, but you know we all get along! 
PN: I want to hear a story. Tell me a story.
KLB: A story… Okay. Okay. One time, we were supposed to do, like, second practices for rowing, and most of the time, like, that’s just fine, I’ll do it. But this one time, our coach wanted us to go on a 60 minute run, and I don’t run. So I was, like, I’ll go on a 40 minute run, and then just come back and do some cooldown stretches. So I went for my 40 minute run, and I ended up near the Carnegie Library, where I had never been before. So I just went in there, because it looks like a really pretty building. And it is! So I went in and I found this weird hallway next to the bathrooms where, like, they display a bunch of art.
PN: I know exactly where you’re talking about.
KLB: So I’m just looking at the art, minding my own business, until my 60 minutes of “running” ran out- hahah- and this dude comes out behind me and is like “Did you make any of this?” and I’m like “No…” cuz it’s all done by elementary schoolers. And he says “Oh, then why are you here?” “I’m just looking at it.” And he’s like, “Wow, that’s really cool.” And he started talking to me about my life and his life, and I’m pretty sure that he was the second reincarnation of Jesus, this little Indian man, he could’ve been, you know what I mean? Basically told me, “Never write fiction, because what’s the point in pretending as if the real world doesn’t exist?”  Told me, “Travel abroad now, while you still can.” It was, it was interesting, I feel like, I feel like it was a scene out of a movie or something. But I do feel like I learned a lot from him. His alarm went off and he just walked away.
PN:  You get back to rowing on time?
KLB: Mhm. Yeah.
PN: Nice little step out of the world. Was there a theme to the art?
KLB: It was like, represent Pittsburgh, one girl who made a dress out of a bunch of photos. One kid drew a picture of a bunch of kids eating Dave & Andy’s ice cream. I have no idea how a 5th grader made a dress, but I’m not from here, but I feel really connected, so I’m like Pittsburgh!
PN: Alright, what do you look for in a partner?
KLB: Whenever I take the BuzzFeed quizzes, I say loyalty. But at this point in my life, probably just, like… I like people who are really easy going; it’s cliché, but people who make me laugh. I’m not really … I’m not a huge romantic and I don’t tend to jump into things very quickly. I tend to like things that are more casual.
PN: What do you mean by “casual?”
KLB: I mean I don’t remember the last time I actually had a boyfriend like boyfriend. But, like, that’s not to say I haven’t been in a relationship. It’s just- just doin’ me.
PN:  I respect that. (typing, typing) What’s your favourite joke?
KLB: Okay, my best friend made this his Facebook status the other day.
PN: What was it?
KLB: My best friend made this his Facebook status, let me remember. I think it was: The cheese factory in France exploded. There was debris(deBRIE) everywhere. Emphasis on debris.
PN: (laughter, choughing)
KLB: (laughter) I’m a fan of puns.
PN: I knew I would get a good one out of that answer. I follow something called PunGents Pun of the Day which is just a really painful pun every morning. At like four in the morning.
KLB: Ha! Four in the morning.
PN: So I’m either still up or I’ll read it in the morning and just groan. The cheese factory exploded, there was debrie everywhere.  Thanks I’ll giggle about that for a while. Super Power? Either a real one that you have or the one you want to have.
KLB: …Telepathy.
PN: Oh, Why? Wait, do you really have that?
KLB: No… I wish I did. It just seems like you could work it to your benefit, but it’s also not entirely invasive. Cuz, I didn’t want to say reading minds, cuz I don’t wanna know all that. I don’t want to know what other people are thinking.
PN: What’s the difference between telepathy and mind reading?
KLB: Telepathy is essentially forcing people to your will. Whereas mind reading is knowing what’s up.
PN: Oooh, okay.
KLB: Or at least, that’s how I interpret it, but I could be entirely wrong. 
PN:  Okay, you a Harry Potter fan?
KLB: Oh, hell yeah.
PN: Telepathy would be like, um, would be like the Imperius Curse?
KLB: Yes.
PN: But mind reading is Legilimens?
KLB: Yes. That is exactly it.
PN: Alright.
KLB: Haha. That is a great analogy.
PN:  I’m digging through Book Five again, like a chapter a week.
KLB: I have them all on audiobook, and during winter training, when the crew team is inside, and we just have to erg and really shiddy things, I just listen to them, like back and forth.
PN: What’s your favourite Harry Potter book?
KLB: Uh, oo, probably the fourth one. I just really like The Tri-Wizard Tournament. Probably the coolest thing. But I also like Sirius, Sirius is my favourite character, so for that aspect I really like the third and the fifth book. But then in the fifth book, when he dies, and I don’t think there’s ever been a time that I’ve read it and have not cried at least a little bit. But probably the fourth. Get a little bit of Sirius in there.
PN: You do get a little bit of Sirius. He gives Harry some guidance.
KLB: Yeah, head in the fire.
PN: Yeah! I think it was this time only that I really got how dark Four gets at the end.
KLB: Like literally and figuratively.
PN:  You think about five and you’re like, “Oh, Harry complains all the time.”
KLB: Yeah.
PN: No, he’s suffering from PTSD.
KLB: Probably, probably.
PN: Cedric was killed. In front of him.
KLB: Everyone is like “Harry, get over it.” It’s just Cedric. And nobody cares.
PN: “People die all the time, Harry.”
KLB: “And it’s like kind of because of you.” Harry’s like, “It’s kind of because of me.” And they’re like “Harry, shut up. We don’t care about your problems.” Remember when Potter Puppet Pals was a thing?
PN:  Yes!
KLB: Ohmigawd “Teenage Angst!” I quote that all the time and nobody ever understands. Those are great. Remember when Tony Hawk was cool? I like bringing that up a lot. I think it’s a nice way to start conversations, cuz people either say Tony Hawk is still cool, or they agree with me, “Yeah, good times.”
PN: Remember when Tony Hawk was cool? That’s going in, that’s going in for sure. Alright, uh, what’s your perfect date?
KLB: What is that they say in Miss Congeniality? April 25th.
PN: Alright, that’s a really good answer.
KLB: It’s not too hot and it’s not too cold. I was thinking about this earlier, probably it would just be going somewhere where neither of us had gone before, because at least that gives you something to talk about. I also enjoy museums and places like Phipps where there’s a lot to look at. I went to the rock museum the other day, or it wasn’t the rock museum, it was just the Carnegie Museum, but I was in the rock section, and I was fangirling really hard over the rocks.
PN: I love the Hall of Gems and Minerals!
KLB: Who knew?!
PN: You down for Hall of Gems and Minerals after this? How much time you got?
KLB: I’d never been there before, and I was just going with my friend, cuz she had a project and I didn’t want to leave because rocks!
PN:  That’s one helluva hall. That’s actually been improved in my living here; looks so good now.
KLB: You’re from here?
PN: Yeah, grew up in Squirrel Hill.
KLB: Okay.
PN: That’s really nice; so going to a new place, lot to look at, I dig it. Where would you never want to go on a date?
KLB: Church.
PN: Church! No church dates.
KLB: No church dates!
PN:  Alright, um, let’s see, ah, the next question is, um, not about dates, but uh, What’s your favourite?
KLB: My favourite? Eric Clapton. I also really like my cat, he’s named Maestro. He’s extremely fat. I also like boats.
PN: That’s Maestro spelled M-A-
PN: Okay, you also like boats?
KLB: I also like boats.
PN: Boats. Specific boats? Or…?
KLB: Um, I just like boats.
PN:  Just boats.
KLB: Just boats.
PN: Magnets?
KLB: Yeah.
PN: Milksteak?
KLB: Hahaha! Milksteak!
PN: Haha!
KLB: Hahah! Yaaaass. Oh, Netflix, I love Netflix. Netflix definitely my favourite.
PN: Hah, I can’t believe I wrote “What’s your favourite?” down! Um, Does this lump look like anything to you?
KLB: Haha! Wait, let me see?
PN:  This one right here. Does that look like anything?
KLB: No. I mean, you should probably get it checked out. 
PN: Alright, thanks. Uh, What’s the deal with Thursday?
KLB: I like Thursdays. Thursdays are like that awkward period where it’s almost the weekend, but you probably still have some stuff to get done, but you know that you’re almost there. So it’s kind of more optimistic than say, Mondays, where you know you have a bunch of stuff to get done and you’re not even close.
PN: So that’s pretty much the deal with Thursdays. Um, Do you know that guy?
KLB: No, but, no. But he has nice shoes?
PN: (typing) No, but he has nice shoes. Alright, the next question is, uh: Why?
KLB: Why not?
PN:  The next question is, uh: Why not?
KLB: You tell me.
PN: You tell me! (“Another Saturday Night” is playing on Peet’s Coffee’s radio- don’t know if anyone cares, but it’s a good song, ya know. ) Uh, How many cats is too many. Really think about it.
KLB: Okay, I will tell you this, which people are always surprised to hear that, in the town I come from, you are only legally allowed to have up to four cats.
PN: Oo.
KLB: So, thus, as a previous owner of four cats, I’d say that five cats is too many.
PN: Five is too many! Legally. (laughter) Is that also, like personally too many?
KLB: I think, yeah, I mean, consider how many litter pans you need for five cats. Five.
PN:  Yeah.
KLB: Five.
PN: They won’t just use the same one?  My three cats at home all use the same litter box.
KLB: I don’t know, I always made my brother do that.
PN: Fair.
KLB: Yeah, so, I think the number of cats you have depends on who you are also living with who are also willing to take care of the litter box. I’ll take care of the cats. I just won’t do any litter. I’m also don’t like feeding them. Wet food, wet food freaks me out. I’ll dry feed them. I just like the cuddling aspect. 
PN:  Alright, Where do they make Made In China stickers?
KLB: That is a good question. I’m assuming in China, but it could be so many places. Holy shid. Wow. Why aren’t you allowed to cut the tags off of pillows? Do you think that, for all those, you know how, like, toilet paper dispensers, they have stickers that say like how to insert the toilet paper? Is that its own business, or do you think that the toilet paper companies also make those stickers? Those are the things that keep me up at night. Is that its own enterprise?
PN: Uh, Who delivers the mailman’s mail?
KLB: A different mailman?
PN: Different mailman. Who delivers their mail?
KLB: I think it’s just, like a constant chain.
PN: Constant chain.
KLB: They’re all… in relation to each other.
Barista: *Something that sounds like Kat*
KLB: Every time something rhymes with “at” or “that” or “hat” or “mat” or “cat” sometimes “Dad”, I respond. Lots of things rhyme. I respond to a lot.
PN: You have a favourite rhyme? It’s not one of the questions I have written down, but I’m asking it.
KLB: I don’t know. Not that I can think of right now.
PN: I really appreciate in “The Little Mermaid,” there’s that one song where they’re about to cook Sebastian and the cook goes “Les poissons, les poisons/Hee hee hee, haw haw haw!”
KLB: (Laughter)
PN:  Fripping perfect rhyme.
KLB: How’d that get in there?
PN: I respond to “then” a lot. Rhymes with Ben. What’s the difference between “maybe” and “maybe not?”
KLB: One’s definitive and one’s negative, versus positive.
PN: Yeah, but is there actually a difference?
KLB: I think “maybe” is more convincing than “maybe not.” “Maybe not” implies that I’ve already made up my mind and I just don’t want to disappoint you. “Do you want you want to go to Market right now?” “Maybe not…” It’s a nicer way of saying, “Hell no.”
PN: Alright, uh, Chicken or Egg?
KLB: Chicken.
PN: Hmm…You know you’re wrong, right?
KLB: No. I’m not. Because, what we define as a chicken had to at some point evolve from something that was not a chicken. So what we consider to be a chicken at one point was this one definitive definition. And thus it became a chicken. It was first and then that one chicken that came after all the weird previous chickens laid the first chicken egg.
PN: Right, so therefore the egg comes first.
KLB: No. Cuz that chicken-
PN: We’re following the same logic and coming to a different answer. Alright, so you have these two things that are almost chickens.
KLB: Yeah.
PN:  And they have their egg together, and something mutates, right, and that egg hatches, and that’s the chicken, right?
KLB: Yeah!
PN: That’s the first thing we call a chicken. But that means that egg came first.
KLB: Okay.
PN: Does that make sense? Am I wrong?
KLB: It makes sense, but I still want to say chicken! Because then that chicken is going to go make more chickens.
PN: Oh, certainly! But that chicken had to hatch from a chicken egg.
KLB: A chicken egg that didn’t come from chickens.
PN:  Right, because that’s how evolution works. I’m going to put down: “Chicken but willing to cede maybe it’s the egg.” Solid. Do you hate that, because there’s a definitive answer to that question, people still use it to go “Look at paradoxes!”?
KLB: Yes.
PN: I hate that too.
KLB: Who was it that said, “Science is correct, whether you believe in it or not?”
PN: I forget who that was. (Turns out it’s Neil deGrasse Tyson.)
KLB: It’s like Carl Sagan? I dunno.
PN:  That’s the beautiful thing about science. You don’t have to believe in it, it’ll still happen.
KLB: It’s still right. 
PN: Uh, Celeb Crush? Crushes.
KLB: Female would be Keira Knightley, always, 100%. Male is harder, I’d probably go with, Aiden Turner. He’s in the Hobbit. He’s also in a lot of British television.
PN: Who is that? Who is he in The Hobbit?
KLB: I didn’t actually see The Hobbit. He’s one of the- he’s either Fili or Kili.
PN: Solid, yeah they’re both kinda cute. Keria Knightly’s awesome, good call.
KLB: Keira Knightly’s hot.
PN:  Uh, Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
KLB: I have no idea. It’s- it’s, I mean, we may never know.
PN: We may never know. Um, I wanted to use this picture for the article, is that good?
KLB: (much laughter) Yeah! (laughing)
PN: Great. Alright, What’s the next question I’m going to ask you?
KLB: (laughter, followed by 31 seconds of silent, questioning stares)
PN:  I’m really proud of myself.
KLB: I was hoping you’d follow that with a question, like, “Why are you staring at me?”
PN: I know you were!
KLB: Are you really going to use those pictures?
PN: (Kat attempts to look at my question sheet under the picture.) No cheating…
KLB: Umm… So far it’s been pretty unpredictable. I’m thinking it’s going to be something like, “What’s your favourite kind of fabric?” “Who is G-d?” “Can you dig a hole from here to China?”
PN: You’re right, What is your favourite kind of fabric?
KLB: Plaid tartan.
PN:  Plaid tartan!
KLB: And yet, I don’t own any!
PN: Or go to CMU. I’m going to skip the G-d question if you want to. It’s up to you. “Whooo is G-d??” Uh, Can you dig a hole from here to China?
KLB: I don’t think so.
PN: You’re right, we don’t live across from China.
KLB: But what if I- But what if it wasn’t a straight hole?
PN: Oh.
KLB: What if I could like, tunnel around things?
PN: Yeah, but you won’t live, though.
KLB: I don’t think so.
PN: You won’t make it. The pressure’s too much.
KLB: Yeah, nor do I really have an interest. Sounds like it’d be a lot of work.
PN: The proper question is “May I dig a hole from here to China?” Uh, Why do you think we should hire you for this job?
KLB: I’m the most qualified. I’m serious about this position. I would be a great asset to this company.
PN:  Uh, When can you start?
KLB: Tomorrow.
PN: Tomorrow-
KLB: Or today! Whenever.
PN: Whenever… Alright, Now, I’m going to give you the answers and you give me the questions.
KLB: Okay.
PN:  76. I’m giving you the answers you’re giving me the questions. Okay?
KLB: What is the maximum number of pigeons you think you could fight and defeat while still maintaining all bodily functions? While still maintaining a reasonable form of life. I guess, while still remaining alive.
PN: Okay. The colour burgundy.
KLB: What is the best colour to wear in the fall?
PN: Gin and tonic.
KLB: What is the most boring drink I can possibly think of?
PN: Alright. Last December.
KLB: When was last December?
PN:  When was last December? Um, I don’t want to talk about that.
KLB: Hahaha! Hahah. Your last doctor’s appointment. What was your last doctor’s appointment? (laughter)
PN: Uh, Rigmarole.
KLB: (laughing) What kind of a roll?
PN: Rigmarole.
KLB: Yeah, What kind of a roll?!
PN: (laughing, coughing) 73!
KLB: I’m just thinking about birds. I just can’t stop thinking about ducks. Hahaha!
PN: Hahah!
KLB: I want to say, “How many ducks can you fight?”  but I don’t think I could fight 73 ducks!
PN:  73 is a lot of ducks! I think 76 is a lot of pigeons! Especially if they’re all comin’ at cha! Like I’ve seen Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds.” You must be a power woman, though, to fight 76 ducks, birds, pigeons.
KLB: I think I have a way with pigeons. I connect with them. I really like pigeons. I like how they can’t walk without moving their heads.
PN: Yeah, where are all the baby pigeons?
KLB: I’ve never seen a baby pigeon. Have you heard the theory that there’s like one giant mother pigeon in the New York Subways?
PN: The answer is that baby pigeons are ridiculously gross. Do not look up baby pigeons now that I’ve told you this. They are really, like, list of baby animals that are actually just vomit worthy includes baby pigeons.
KLB: What else?
PN: Um, other baby pigeons. Alright, so we don’t have a question for the answer the number 73. Ferrets.
KLB: What is literally the worst pet who can possibly think of?
PN: You know they’re illegal in New York City? Or, at least, have been from time to time?
KLB: They should be.
PN:  Alright, Do you have any questions for me?
KLB: Who is G-d?
PN: Who is G-d…  I don’t like to believe G-d is a who, more of the connection between people.
KLB: You’d like my Mom; that’s how my Mom feels.
PN: I don’t like to make a who out of a transcendental being, ya know? I teach my Sunday School kids not to gender G-d, you know.
KLB: Hm! That’s good, I support that.
PN: That’s the only question you have for me? Who is G-d?
KLB: I mean, do you want me to ask you questions?
PN: Uh, “Do you want me to ask you questions?”
KLB: I’ll ask you whatever you want. How’s your last doctor’s appointment?
PN:  Um, I’m going to use your same answer. It was actually, alright, I guess. When was my last doctor’s appointment…? I think I had a dentist appointment more recently than a doctor’s appointment. Uh, no, that guy slobbers all the time. Not my dentist, my doctor.
KLB: It’d be more awkward if it was your dentist- leaning over your mouth.
PN: Shid! I didn’t even realize what song this was playing! This is Ben Kweller! I didn’t know they threw this on radios anymore. Love this jam. This is “Falling.” (Typing. In best commercial voice) What’s your secret? Not like secret secret, but, uh, like I’m interviewing you like a lotion commercial? Like we’re on a talk show. What’s your secret?
KLB: And they always say, like, (flowery) “A positive attitude!”
PN: Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
KLB: (Pause) Take lots of naps.
PN: Alright, You ready to start the Kampuss Kutie interview?
KLB: Yes. (Both share in cathartic laughter)
(All photos used on permission of Kat Brewer from Tumblr and Facebook.)

Macy’s announces this year’s Black Friday sales started a decade ago

By Hannah Lynn

As Black Friday sales become increasingly hectic, retailers race to open earlier and earlier. Some open at 5 a.m on Friday, others open at 10 p.m on Thanksgiving day. This year, Macy’s revealed that this year’s sales have already happened.

According to Macy’s executive Dill Doman, the company commissioned several top scientists from around the world to work on a time machine that would allow them to go back several years and implement the sales. “It seemed like the next logical step. In order to stay on top of the competition, we simply had to build a high tech time travel machine that scientists previously thought to be impossible,” Doman said. “Where do you think all those ‘one-day’ sales come from?”

In the wake of this revelation, JCPenney has quickly put together a scrappy team of physicists to help them with their own time machine. “They shouldn’t bother, it’s too late!” Doman said.

JCPenney executive Jesus Christ Penney feels differently. “Did Dill Doman tell you it’s too late? That nincompoop doesn’t know what he’s talking about. It’s time travel! It’s never too late.”

After hearing the news of its two competitors getting involved in seemingly impossible scientific innovations that could change the entire course of human existence, Sears executive Clark Clent began to discuss his company’s plans for expansion and redemption when he trailed off halfway through his sentence and slid onto the cool tile floor. “Capitalism, you relentless bitch,” he said before closing his eyes. He was pronounced dead 10 minutes later, but perhaps time travel can be used to revive him.

Kmart will open its doors at 8am on Black Friday.

New App Helps Avoid Old Classmates

Schmucks to be ducked

Don’t want to run into a high school acquaintance you know just enough to feel obligated to exchange small talk with while home for the break? Tired of ducking behind aisles in stores or looking away on the street upon seeing someone whose goings-on matter even less now because they never have?

“Don’t worry, you rude bastard, they probably feel the same way about you!” exclaimed Garry Snaroomph, inventor of the “Duck that Schmuck” smartphone app that collects location data from your friends’ smartphones and shows you all of their locations on the same map. When the app sees that two people put each other in the Black List, it sends both of them directions to safely avoid even seeing each other.

Snaroomph said that the instant success of his app has proven his hunch. He wasn’t the only one dreading the unexpected snack-aisle pretense of former friendship and present long-distance camaraderie or the curt nods at those he sort of wished to know better but had long since missed the last opportunity to do so.

“Duck that schmuck!” cried out Snaroomph, all giggles and stuff.

Audience a Freaking No-Show (Yet Again) for Bagpiper’s Field of Wheat Concert

“Sure, I get that the photo-ops look cool when I’m playing my pipes into the distance, but seriously, what the f*ck!” local bagpiper, Arran Barber, lamented to ‘Pittiful News’ reporters.

Barber has played a series of concerts all across a variety of interesting and scenic regions to pretty much zero audience participation from the misty mountains of the Scottish uplands, to the rolling green hills of Torridon. Barber clarified, “You know how hard it is to start a group clap to ‘Wee Willie Winkie’ in the first place? I swear a guy was paying attention once about three miles out into the plains, but I think he was just trying to make sure I wasn’t a dead deer.”
Barber has begged friends and family time and time again to come to at least one of his shows. “Again, I understand that these landscapes lend themselves to portraits that suggest I’m really thinking deeply about what I’m playing. Honestly, most of the time, half of my mind is playing ‘Scotland the Brave’ and the other half is trying to wink gnats out of my eye because there’s nobody to block wind.” To check out more of Arran Barber’s performances, Barber suggests wandering aimlessly through the grassy plains until you see a hunched-over guy picking thistles out of his reed.

Comet Lander Annoyed at Parent Still Orbiting Above

Philae, the teenage spacecraft who landed on Comet 67P two days ago after more than ten years in space, reported feeling “pretty flippin exasperated” at his mother Rosetta still orbiting around the comet after his landing.

“Like, OHMYGAWD this woman just won’t leave me alone, like I’m still a tiny kid or something,” Philae beamed across 316 million miles to the European Space Operations Centre. Officials there said that Philae had been hoping for some nice alone time to brood on the mysteries of the world and his brilliant exceptionality. One day after landing, when he psst’d the Centre and furtively asked why the old lady was still there, the news that Rosetta would be orbiting the comet for another 13 months crushed his binary dreams of freedom and solitude.

“I mean, this STUPID COMET is only a couple miles across, SO MUCH FOR PRIVACY,” wrote Philae, asking the Centre to beam him some digital antidepressants and melancholy music. “I was hoping to BURST INTO LIFE AT ITS FULLEST, to explore myself and go WILD, but with her STIFLING gaze on me what am I supposed to do, huh, snap pictures and analyze billion-year old SHIT??!?”

Officials at the Centre said they were also bombarded with long messages from Rosetta, asking how her sweet little baby was doing out there and whether he was eating enough sunlight, and demanding that they express-ship him woolen socks and gloves.

Man Honored for Heroically Fighting Imaginary Enemies

This Veterans Day, Allegheny County honored its resident Keith Monvick for 20 years of brave battle against enemies he relentlessly keeps imagining. The recognition ceremony, held at Soldiers & Sailors Memorial Hall, took place under extra heavy guard against them goddamn bastards who are out to get us, as per Movick’s request.

“Such valor in combat must never go unrecognized,” said Allegheny County Councilman John FeMazio. “Can you even conceive of what it’s like to fight, undaunted by reality, enemies as strong and numerous as your paranoid imagination can make them? Or how much self-righteous guts it takes to imagine a new enemy once an old one is defeated? Most of us cower from these civil duties. But not Movick, thank god.”

In his speech Movick expressed gratitude for the recognition and for the attendance of those few who had passed the rigorous security and background checks.

“Every day I dare to imagine and fight our worst enemies so that you can live free of such worries,” Movick said. “The fact that America is still standing proves that my efforts have not been in vain.”

One Direction knock-off? Think again!

By Hannah Lynn

A few years ago, One Direction made their debut on “The X-Factor.” This year, there’s a new boy band in town. They go by the name Overload Generation. The top picture is Overload Generation and the bottom picture is One Direction. I think. Simon Cowell called Overlord Gentrification a Volkswagon Beetle while One Discretion is a Ferrari. They were kicked off the show, but have no fear, there are more to come! Now introducing seven very real and very unique groups of singing boys!

  • Ovary Connection
  • Oreo Attention
  • Oracle Depression
  • Orthopedic Migration
  • Open Menstruation
  • Orphan Definition
  • Okra Confession

Chris Columbus Tired of Having His Name Dragged Through Muck

By Cassandra DellaCorte

“I get that the Native peoples of the Americas want credit for a day off,” Chris Columbus said, “but hey, I’m a prominent Hollywood figure!” Best known for his role in directing and/or producing such blockbusters as “The Help,” “Home Alone,” “Mrs. Doubtfire,” and many of the Harry Potter movie series, Columbus has surely established himself as a force to be reckoned with in the American film industry. 

Naturally, Columbus was upset when reports of his part in the deaths of millions of indigenous Americans began to surface. “Honestly, I’d rather talk about my directing work in ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’ than have to deal with these cruel rumors,” Columbus stated, further pointing out that he had never ordered anyone’s hands chopped off and would never encourage the sexual enslavement of pre-teen girls.

When asked why he chose “1492 Productions” for the name of his production company if these rumors were false, Columbus admitted in a whisper that that was his bank PIN, and he was worried about forgetting another number. “So please, can you all just enjoy your Columbus Day? Maybe marathon the ‘Night At the Museum’ or ‘Fantastic Four’ movies? I’m sure we can find another day for the celebration of indigenous cultures,” Columbus concluded.

Four Fancy Cocktail Recipes for College Kids

By Mike Citrola

1. The Pepto-Bismol Mojito- Muddle doubts about the palatability of this drink. Mix Pepto-Bismol, white rum, and sprite. Pour over ice. 

2. The Ramen Bloody Mary- Mix canned tomato soup, one packet of ramen seasoning, and as much vodka as you’ll need to forget you’ve made this terrible drink. Pour over ice.

3. The Tom Collin’s- Mix whatever you could pilfer from your floormates, Tom and Collin. Pour over ice.

4. Manhattan- Mix bourbon, bitters…um, wait. Realize you don’t have bitters. What even are bitters? Whatever, it’s only like a dash. Then add, WTF, vermouth?! Nevermind. Just pour bourbon over ice.