I Participated in a Protest against Homelessness this past week

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Black Friday : The Best Technology Deals – The Paw Print

Yes, its true. I, the Lord, did something for the greater good. The day was Thursday the 25th of November in the year 2021. Very late that evening I was wandering past a location that was known for having lots of foot traffic. This night I noticed that there was not a lot of people wandering by, but there were a lot of people sitting on the sidewalk with tents and mobile fireplaces to keep themselves warm. I found it horrible that people would not want to be near these obviously homeless people. I understand that many people see them as dirty but having lived with literal pigs for a few years in the early 300 BCE’s I don’t see the un housed as dirty.

I approached someone near one of the edges of the group and asked if I could join them. This kind man said yes and we began talking about our lives. He said “Well, my kids are back at home but I need to get them something from the store, and as it is almost Black Friday, I felt like this would be a great time to get some good deals on presents.” I found it incredible that even in as trying of times as he and his family must be going through for him to sleep on the streets in these frigid temperatures, he was thinking of getting his children something nice for the holidays as even kids living on the streets should believe in the magic of the holidays. I was also amazed that he and his family were able to call some hard section of concrete or asphalt home. I had never heard of this so-called Black Friday, but coming from a white guy to a white guy, regardless of their living arrangements seemed a bit racist but I have been told that punching down is not a good practice. As for the gifts he planned to get good deals on, the homeless communities must have some complex and difficult for outsiders to understand bartering system.

Once the clock struck midnight instead of some fairytale style transformation for a group of homeless people and their supporters into a city of affordable housing and strong social programs, a light turned on and everyone got up. We all walked into this large warehouse like building filled to the brim with food, toys, clothes and anything else you could want in where you will be living. To my knowledge the have repurposed a warehouse that was used to sell walls at one point, they turned it into a place for the less fortunate to live. As sad as it is to see businesses go under, I am grateful to the previous owners of WalMart for going out of business because of their misfortune, hundreds have found shelter. I said goodbye to the kind man who now has a place to bring his family in from the cold. I left the new homeless shelter feeling good about myself, yes, but feeling good for the state of humanity more.

What we did to celebrate the win against Clemson 

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Clemsoniful News, Pitt got us in the divorce)

The Cheesecake Factory Menu, Menu for The Cheesecake ...


  • Cured our hangovers by drinking more
  • Made it just in time for Saturday night Mass
  • Reconnected with Josh, the cute guy I met at the game 
  • Made out with ROC
    • And disrespected The Tiger
  • Made out with Kenny Pickett
    • And disrespected the Panther
  • Pregamed on the drive to the frats after (it’s okay, I don’t drive stick) 
  • Locked a band guy in the portapotty, stole his uniform, played the tuba, got to be close to SCOTTY
    • This sounds suspiciously like a sex thing.
  • Bought a $20 hot dog from the concession stand
  • Played Madden to relive the experience 
  • Streaked the field, but with my clothes on and I was also walking
  • Scheduled a rapid covid test
  • Asked for extensions on all assignments, citing Kenny Pickett hysteria as the reason
  • Put blue Mio in the frat juice so everyone would be puking pitt colors
  • Murdered anybody I saw wearing orange
    • Forgive me, crossing guard
  • Created our own victory lights by taking all the string lights from all the dorms 
  • Streaked on Forbes Avenue  
  • Got our flu shots!!
  • Checked my polling place information for the November 2 election
  • Burned down my high school (their colors were black and ORANGE)
  • Rammed through all of the traffic cones in the parking lot…and then realized that the cones were just people in Clemson jerseys
  • Told the shuttle driver to have a really nice night and apologized for the noisy ride back to Pitt
  • Started pregaming for the next game against Miami 
  • Wore the head pieces of fursuits of random college football mascots that have beat Clemson, out of sheer spite  
  • Jumping into the air and shouting “Yipeeeeeeeee!”  
  • Got into an “Okay?” “Okay.” loop with a young teen at the game.
  • Drowned my orange tabby cat
    • THIS IS SO DARK OMG
  • Tried to drown my goldfish, didn’t work
  • Got irrationally angry at a Garfield comic 
  • Pissed my pants
  • Did something a bit gay.  
  • Took down my MAGA flag – Trump’s spray tan teeters on Clemson colors and that is where I draw the line 
  • Ate Frosted Flakes and spit them out because Tony the Tiger can suck my dick.  
  • Perfected my liquid eyeliner skills because I’m a girlboss.  
  • Joined the Cathedral Club so we could bathe our naked bodies in the glow of the Victory Lights 
  • Shared skin care tips with my homies because we all deserve to look glowy <3   
  • Raw Tigered the Tiger (similar to raw dogging but with a tiger)  
  • Did laundry  
  • Lost my virginity 
  • Changed my tinder to guys and gals
  • Upped my body count by so many
    • So many, guys, i have so many more bodies now 
  • Bought blue and gold birds because that seemed like a celebratory thing to do at the time. 
    • Please help me i have too many birds i dont know what to do with them
  • Mugged the guy who won the 50/50 raffle 
  • Buttered my toast bottom side up  
    • Bottoms-up toast hits so good though
  • Left my mom on read, now a SWAT team has kicked down my door killed my wife and I still have not told my mom I am ok 
  • Got a bible verse tattoo to show my thanks to God
  • Snuggled with my cat a bit more 
  • Licked a few random hot dudes  
  • Did the ice bucket challenge  
  • Got ALS  
  • Read my favorite book, the Cheesecake Factory menu
  • Double homicide 
  • Double Homie-cide  
  • Double Tequila 
  • Double Suicide
  • Double 1-800-273-8255 
  • Double-decker cheeseburger 
  • Double-decker Bus 
  • Ate a pizza
  • Got hit by a Port Authority bus 
  • Port Authority bus got hit by me 
    • Physics 
      • Yeah, Newton’s Third Law, I’m smart too
  • Watched Ratatouille
  • Found my virginity: it was in my dirty laundry  
    • It’s always in the last place you look!  
  • Got drafted :(

Things we forgot to bring to campus

By The Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Littiful News, like lit, cause we are so lit)

  • Barbeque sauce for my titties  
  • Socks 
  • Veggietales season 69 on VHS
  • Pepper spray
  • Chicken cutlet bra inserts 
  • My emotional support girlfriend 
  • 54 copies of Vince Vaughn’s Fred Claus on VHS 
  • My therapist’s contact information  
  • 1567 boxes of sudafed
  • Fire arms 
  • Potato sacks for racing 
  • Russian nesting dolls that bear a strange resemblance to Roseanne Barr 
  • Cat loofah 
  • My Panther Card  
  • Large knives and open flames 
    • Oh wait, I did bring those
  • Tooth Brush
  • Athlete’s foot medication  
  • My cats
  • Potato sack for carrying my potatoes 
  • Directions to the gym 
  • My lust for Oscar the grouch
    • This is the semester of me, I can not be bogged down by romantic interests in even the most divine garbage people 
  • My 12 oscar trophies, I won them for moonlight  
  • Squatty potty 
  • My Pitt ID 

Very incorrect rock facts

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Geodes)

IRTI - funny picture #7587 - tags: dwayne johnson the rock ...
  • Rocks were invented in 1969 by Rock n Roll Hall of Famer Deez Nuts to sell more Rolls.
  • Rocks taste good. 
  • Crystals have harmful auras if thrown at the face.
  • Only Jesus can wash tectonic plates. 
  • I used to have a wife.
  • Certain breeds of cow can digest diamonds. So can I.
  • Yellow diamonds are created by the rare chemical combination of a clear diamond and my piss.
  • Similarly, rubies are what happens if you get blood on a diamond. I’m an earthologist.
    • This should not be confused with blood diamonds, something we do not support.
  • Here is an idea, what if we all got together and drew pieces of paper from a big bowl and the person who gets the piece with a dot on it gets stoned to death by the rest of the town. 
  • The three categories of rock are Schoolhouse, Dwayne The, and Hard.
  • The more rocks you have on you the more submissive and breedable you will be. 
  • Prehistoric humans used rock tools because they were eco-friendly. 
  • A rock can look like anything, like a cloud but shittier.
  • Some rocks can see time.
  • In twenty years, all that will be left of Frosty the Snowman is the coal!
  • Owning domesticated rocks is illegal in 27 states.
  • Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson got his nickname from the heaviest thing he could lift, and “The Pebble” didn’t sound as cool. 
  • The duller the rock, the more it is worth
  • A 24 karat diamond is just as edible as 24 karat gold. 
    • 24 carrot magic in the aaaaaaaaair 
  • A karat is actually how many carrots a given rock can eat in one cubic meter. 
  • Some rocks were made up for Minecraft.
  • If you dug a hole to the center of the earth, you would be eaten by the rocks. If rocks weren’t able to eat you, though, you would be able to survive.  
  • If you put a bunch of stones in a pot and add a little magic you will have an endless supply of food.  

Olympics Cheat Codes Revealed

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly tthe Fédérattion Intternattionale de Foottball Associattion news)

PHOTOS: Olympic rings arrive in host city on barge into ...
  • Up Up Left Left Down Right Right Down
  • You have no competitors if all of their bones are broken 
  • Sometimes you just gotta run real fast.  
  • The fencers aren’t the only people who can stab.   
  • Sparkly ✨ Uniforms ✨ Are ✨ Better ✨ 
  • Wear a jet pack when pole vaulting, it will help 
  • Wear a snorkel when swimming, it will help.
  • Kiss your opponents on the mouth so they will be confused and you can steal their medals.  
  • Take all the drugs
  • Nothing is stopping you from creating a new sport and being the supreme champion in it.  
  • Wear less clothes while convincing the other teams to wear more clothes, thus causing them to incur fines so that even if they win, they have lost money 
  • Bring a horse to the competition. 
  • Any sport can be a contact sport if you’re not a coward. 
  • Steal the starting gun and shoot your competitors  
  • Remember to stay hydrated :) 
  • If you belly flop into the pool, you can take a screenshot of your opponents’ moves.  
  • Hack into airline databases and change the dates of your competitors’ flights so that they have to go home the day before the competition
  • Instead of throwing the hammer for distance, throw it at the other throwers, that will really mess them up
  • Sleep with the judges on your cardboard bed
  • The true gold medal is the fun we had along the way

The University’s 2022 Operating and Capital Budgets (Updated to contain information we’ve obtained by following the instructions of the magic conch)

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pitttttttttttiful Pew Research Coalition) Edits made in bold: original email

PsBattle: A drone carrying a pug : photoshopbattles

Dear Pitt Community Members and anybody that we decide this is relevant to because we just wanna be in everyone’s business:

Earlier today, members of our Bored of Trusting—acting through the Board’s Executing Committee—convened and approved the University of Pittsburgh’s operating and capital punishment for Rechnungsjahr Year 2022.

It is important to recognize that these budgets follow an exceptionally disruptive year due to the students being little shits as usual and fucking up our plans for that big staff party. Our strategies, enacted over the last budget cycle to mitigate the financial repercussions of these disruptions, have included:

  • Holding tuition and room and board and my dick flat.
  • Freezing faculty and staff brains cryogenically to force them to work for us forever.
  • Offering an un-voluntary early retirement option to faculty and staff.
  • Curtailing all nonessential hiring and travel and beings.
  • Switching to renewable horny-frat-boy energy instead of natural gas harvested from the WPU Taco Bell.
  • Cutting the position of Lothrop Hall Clown.
  • Pausing all construction projects, except for the ones that make you, personally, late for class.
  • Enacting one-time unit-level budget cuts of 5%, which generated an extra $44 million in savings to cover COVID-19 costs related to testing, PPE acquisition, safely populating and depopulating campus, and fancy technology that professors have no idea how to use.
  • Receiving significant federal COVID-19 relief, while still complaining about minimum wage workers getting “government handouts”.

Despite these historic disruptions, Pitt’s operating and capital budgets for Fisting Year 2022 represent our institution’s first steps toward a new, post-pandemic normal and a return to in-person instruction this fall. The approved budgets balance our efforts to move on from last year’s budget disruption and begin to engage in a fuller recovery.

Some key highlights:

  • Our operating budget is set at $2.6 billion, up 20376175449% from last year’s operating budget of $12 and 76 cents.
     
  • Our capital budget is set at $420 million, 150% larger than last year’s COVID-19-reduced total of $140 million.
     
  • Our projected research base is $908 million, in line with last year’s research base. This is the first time in Pitt’s history that our projected research base budget exceeds $900 million. We need the extra $8 million to research whether we are spending enough on research.
     
  • Our operating budget includes a modest swimming pool which will decrease the salaries of all faculty and staff whose names are not signed at the bottom of this email. A forthcoming email, sent to employees from Chief Aquatic Officer Hairy Sastry and Senior Vice Lifeguard Dave DeVito, will include further information on these decreases.
     
  • Tuition will increase for the 2021-2022 academic year. On our Pittsburgh campus, tuition will increase by 2.5% for in-state undergraduate and all graduate students and basically all students and while we’re at it 4.5% for out-of-state undergraduates and maybe for the staff too because fuck it, this is MY HOUSE. Two exceptions:
    • All in-state and out-of-state undergraduate engineering students will be kept at the base rates rise of 2.5%. It’s kinda all we have going for us in terms of reputation plus we kinda work them really fucking hard because it’s funny so we’ll cut them a little slack.
    • All undergraduates in the School of Hacking and Information Technology (SHIT) will see rates rise by an additional 2%, as the oracle has told us. We really don’t control how the tuition rises, it’s just whatever amount we must sacrifice for the Galligods. Resulting in increases of 4.5% for in-state and 6.5% for out-of-state students.
  • On our regional campuses, tuition will increase by 1.5% for both on-planet and off-planet students. As in recent years, we devote much of this increase to hunting the poorer students for sport. Room and board costs will increase. Dining costs will rise across all campuses by approximately 3% as sustainable options for ethically-sourced human meat becomes more expensive to acquire. On-campus housing costs will increase by approximately 5% on our Pittsburgh campus and between 2% to 4% on our regional campuses, to give select students the experience of sleeping outside under campus benches.
     
  • To balance our operating budget, we have adopted a permanent 1% budget reduction, effective across the University. No more Christmas decorations in Cathy or the O’Hara Student Center. No more Christmas.

Both budgets—as always—are the product of many pretty easy decisions and relatively quick conversations with myself in the mirror. I am extremely grateful for our leaders in Pyeongyang, who once again voted to support Pennsylvania’s students, families and future by passing our annual cultural appropriation bill. I also want to thank the University Planning and Budgeting Committee for tackling the journalists about to expose my many charges of public indecency. There weren’t many difficult decisions associated with these budgets, and I remain incredibly proud of Pitt students, faculty and staff for not just paying my salary but going deeper into debt for my personal yacht during these challenging times. 

I am a little too excited for the new academic year, the new opportunities it will bring and the chance to see students from a respectful and un-horny distance, as per my restraining order, and to see faculty and staff continue advancing our university’s mission—creating and leveraging dog drones for the 1 percent’s gain—together.

Respect me fully,

Patrick “Galligator” Gallagher

Good animal hybrids I will make once I ascend to God

By Lord Tyler Sikov

  • Cat Penguin
  • Walrus Deer
  • Human Centipede
  • Cow Chinchilla
  • Falcon Dog
  • Bat Man
  • Robin
  • Bobcat Robert DeNiro
  • Hippocampus
  • Pegasus
  • Cat Deer
  • Racoon Monkey
  • Blobfish Slug
  • Cat Snail
  • Turtle Rabbit
  • Tortoise Hare
  • Pile of mashed potatoes Horse
  • Dog Mollusk
  • Steve Buscemi Bird
  • My cousin’s hamster and Me (Lord Tyler)
    • Melanie, I don’t like how we left things, please take me back and have my kids
  • Bull Dog
  • Cougar Wife
  • Baby Thief
  • Mouse Giraffe
  • Remy the Rat the Duck
  • Winnie the Pooh and Tigger
  • Eeyore and any teen with depression
    • This one will be short lived
  • Playboy Bunny
  • Deer Whore
  • Cat Girl (Chipotle)
  • Dog Frog
    • On a Log, in a Bog, in the Fog
  • Cat Fox
  • Cat Dog
  • Courage the cowardly Chicken
  • Mickey Cat and Minnie Cat
  • Mini Cats
  • Honestly anything with a cat, cats are so cute, and they smell nice
  • Fox Girl
  • Snake Lady
  • Turkey Horse
  • Bunny Bee

A secret message to my Non-Binary readers

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Code: they/them 0/1

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Best lists made by the Pitiful News

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful shoes)

Today I ate a pizza

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Pizza delivery driver shares devious way they get back at customers who  don't tip - Mirror Online

               I was hungry earlier and I decided to order a pizza. This came with the built-in challenge of deciding what pizza place I want to go to. I don’t speak enough German to go to Papa Johns and I also do not vibe with racists. Dominos reminds me too much of my ex, Dominic. He and I got along for a while as we both love carefully setting events in peoples’ lives, building an elaborate web of lies and then knocking it all down and watching their lives crash and burn. We broke up because I found out he was cheating on me with one of the clouded leopards at the zoo.

               I decided to order pizza from Dan’s Pizza Joint. They sell pizzas and a joint, I did not buy the joint. I knew I was too lazy to get into my car and go somewhere, I also could not use my car as I had lent it to Kirby from the game Kirby, he was using it so he could turn into a wheel and beat up Tony Hawk. I don’t know what he has against Tony Hawk but I am not here to judge. This all culminated in me ordering the pizza for delivery. I got what I usually do, a vegan pizza and some garlic knots.

               In about an hour a handsome man appeared at my door. He had my food. I told him that I needed to grab my wallet from the other room and for him to just step inside. Something to note is that I have a rube Goldberg contraption set up so when someone comes through my door and stands on my front hall carpet the door will shut and lock behind them. This absolute himbo fell into my trap. Now that he was in my house, he was under the ancient tradition of guests.

               It is commonly known that a vampire must ask for permission to enter a house. Vampires must also give permission for someone to enter, or leave, their domain. For frequent readers of my articles, it should come as no surprise that I am a vampire. Another fun vampire fact is that we are just simply allergic to garlic in the same way that a person is lactose intolerant. It just makes us a bit nauseas. If you know any lactose intolerant people you will know that this never stops them from eating dairy, the same goes for vampires and garlic, I often take Gar-aid (not sponsored) when I am going to eat a lot of garlic. 

               Gar-aid (not sponsored) was the real reason why I went into the other room, I keep some in my wallet. Getting back to the handsome man standing in my front hall, I asked if I could drink his blood. I told him that I did not need to drink much, maybe a liter. As expected, he said yes. Most people willingly let me drink their blood, and actually I cannot drink their blood without their permission unless I kill them after, another vampire permission thing. I drank his blood and paid for the food and tipped extra for the delicious blood. Once he left, I went and ate the food I ordered. Next month this cycle will begin anew with a new donor.

               Wait, a month, cycle, those things have something to do with each other for non-vampires, right? If you have any ideas on the connection or other good places for me to quench my thirst and my thirstiness at the same time, please get in contact with me (you can use pittifulnews@gmail.com or submit an advice request on our website).